A/N: Emily here George is absent again. I may have to drill his brain to get his stuff for this story!

I'm going to The Empire Leicester Square tonight to see The Calcium Kid!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!! Yummy yummy Orli!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: And again I blame George.

Chapter Twenty-Three – The consequences of a lovers tiff.

"I still do not see why you agreed to letting her come, Legolas!" Sighed Aragorn.

"I have a name!" Cried Emily.

"Wherever I go, Emily goes." Stated Legolas beginning to like the idea of Emily coming with them. At least now he could keep an eye on her.

The company consisting of Aragorn, Legolas, Emily, Gimli, Elladan and Elrohir made their way, on horseback, towards the Dark Door, the entrance to the Paths of the Dead.

"What kind of army would linger in such a place?" Asked Gimli with a note of hesitation in his voice.

"One that is cursed." Answered Legolas.

"Legolas? Are elves afraid of ghosts?" Asked Emily.

"Elves are scared of very little." Smiled Legolas brimming with pride.

"Are they scared of spiders?"

"No."

"Bats?"

"No."

"Death?"

"No. It is rare that an elf would have to face death."

"Furbies?"

"What?"

"You never had a Furby! You deprived child! I hated my Furby it would talk in the middle of the night and scare the be-jesus out of me! It was red and furry. In fact it looked a bit like Gimli to be honest." Explained Emily.

"Then I am sure Elves would be positively petrified of it!" Laughed Legolas.

"What about that economy toilet paper that leaves major burning issues?"

"I do not think Elves have been subjected to such tortures as Furbies and economy toilet roll." Legolas smiled another award winning smile.

"You're very cute when you do that." Beamed Emily leaning back against Legolas atop Arod.

"Are you tired melamin?"

"Could you tell me a story?" Asked Emily amongst yawns.

"Would you like to hear of how the ghosts came to be in the mountains?"

"That could come in handy for when I try and exorcize them!"

"I do not think Aragorn would be so happy if you did that!"

"When has Aragorn ever been happy with anything I've done?" Laughed Emily.

"Good point. Anyway, where was I?.. Long ago the Men of the Mountain swore an oath to the last King of Gondor to come to his aid, to fight. But when the time came, when Gondor's need was dire, they fled. Vanishing into the darkness of the mountain and so Isildur cursed them…never to rest, until they had fulfilled their pledge."

"This curse then, you wouldn't happen to know where I could my hands on that curse do ya?"

"And why would you want to know that curse?" Asked Legolas warily.

"You are very nosy Legolas Greenleaf!"

"I am just concerned." The elf defended.

"Don't worry your pretty little head I promise I won't curse anyone of importance."

"Yes well, it is your definition of importance that worries me."

"Trust is a virtue." Grinned Emily.

"We are here! Called Aragorn back to the group.

The six of them gathered around the entrance that would lead them to the dead.

"The very warmth of my blood seems drawn away." Mumbled Gimli in fear.

"The way is shut…it was made by those who are dead…and the dead keep it. The way is shut." Read Legolas.

"Well, they don't keep it very clean, do they?!" Moaned Emily.

As soon as she spoke a sudden blast of wind, mingled with the cries of the dead came crashing around them scaring the horses away.

"Brego!" Called Aragorn.

"Well if I had the chance to run, I would." Sighed Emily staring up at the ominous doorway.

Legolas knelt before her, "You do not have to do this. You can turn back to camp if you wish."

"This place is a hell of a lot more scary than it was in the film. However, I am as brave as any elf, I am certainly cleaner than most men around here and I'll be damned before I am to step into that place after a certain pant wetting dwarf shaking over their."

"I am proud of you melamin." Legolas rose and as Aragorn said;

"I do not fear death."

Legolas was following him into the Paths of the Dead with Emily tightly clinging to his hand.

Elladan and Elrohir were close behind.

"Well this is something unheard of! Elves and a girl will go underground where a dwarf dare not! Ahh… I'll never hear the end of it!" Finally relenting Gimli hurried in after the others.

****

"We pillage we plunder we rifle we loot! Drink up me hearties. Yo ho!" Sang George deeply under the influence of Russian Holy Water.

"Master George, we ride for war in the morning. I think it might be best if you let me take that." Eowyn tried to grab the bottle but despite his drunken reflexes George managed to stumble out of her reach.

"You…two…two maidens!" Slurred George.

"I think the signs of seeing double are suggesting you stop drinking!"

"It's alright…f…f…for you two! You don't have pornstar…el…f…dude, as you're...wotsit?!"

"You mean as your father?" Filled in Eowyn.

"That's the button!" Cheered George. "I…am trau…trau…traumatizzzz…stupid long word!"

"I know it is hard, but it will be find in the end. You are half elven, one of the fair folk!"

"Fair! I am the unfairest half…elf…br…breed thingy in the world!"

"I'm sure that's not true."

"I once told…a m…mate that his…thingy…woman…thing…was having an affair so…so…I…could watch Dragnet on the other…station while he went…l…look…for her." George managed to finish his sentence.

****

"Legolas! I hope that is your hand and not that randy dwarf!" Screamed Emily in the dark.

Legolas' laughter as quiet as it was could be heard.

"Payback!" Emily reached out and pinched the elf's behind.

"Ouch!" Yelped Aragorn.

"Urgh! Germs, Legolas this place is getting worse by the minute."

"I think I made have trod in something." Groaned Elrohir. The elf could be heard scraping his foot against the rocky wall.

"Ascend to the poop deck." Called Emily in a fit of hysteria to no one in particular.

****

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Incest! Incest!" Cried George lashing out the imaginary pixies that were flying around his head.

"Incest? Whatever do you mean?" Asked Eowyn.

"Arwen! I fancied Liv Tyler and Arwen! I fancied my sister!" George howled and collapsed onto the floor.

"I have heard of the Evenstar's beauty." Said Eowyn somewhat bitterly. "I am sure no one would accuse you of anything improper by admitting that you found her attractive."

"Humph!" Sounded George as he buried his head in a cushion. "Please leave. I need time to sort through this hangover. I don't suppose you would have any Nurofen. No, some Prozac then to numb the pain!"

Eowyn shook her head and left George who was now sleeping with an attractive bit of drool emanating from his mouth.

****

"You know this path is a lot longer than I thought it was going to be!" Sighed Emily.

The six carried on through the darkness but were brought to a halt when a terrifying scream sounded all around them.

"I take it turning back is a closed option now?!" Whimpered Emily.

"I want you to take this." Legolas handed Emily one of his white knives. "It will keep you safe if I am not there to do so."

"What do you mean if your not there?! Where are you going?!"

"I am going nowhere. I assure you, but I cannot watch you constantly."

*grumble grumble*

****

The morning approached the camp of Dunharrow. Horses were being readied as George dragged his hung-over butt out of his tent.

"We must ride light and swift. It is a long road ahead. Man and beast must reach the end with strength enough to fight!" Theoden was adding to the strange buzzing noise George could hear.

"Someone's stamping on my head!" George shouted.

"No, that is just the horses riding off. You had better hurry if you want to join them." Nodded Merry insistently.

"You're too cheerful, you do realize that, don't you?" Groaned George in response.

"It comes with the name!"

Theoden and his guards rode up beside the hobbit and boy.

"Little hobbits do not belong in war, master Meriadoc." Stated the King.

"Oh don't you worry King dude. He isn't going to war he is just helping me get ready." Smiled George.

Theoden seemed satisfied with this and rode off.

"Why did you say that?" Asked Merry tears threatening to form.

"Whoa! Merry remember your name! He would never let you go, may as well get rid of him and that loud horse of his before someone, for example Eowyn, takes you into battle."

"Huh?"

Before George could answer a 'mystery' rider pulled Merry onto their horse.

"George, may I speak with you?" Asked someone from behind.

"Only if you do it really quietly." Groaned George, as he turned round to face Lord Elrond.

****

"Mmmmm mmmm mmmmm!" Hummed Emily nervously.

"That is something you and your brother have in common!" Sighed Aragorn.

"What would that be?" Asked Emily.

"Unnecessarily making noises when you are nervous."

Emily made a silent 'oh' shape with her mouth. Five minutes later she resumed her humming much to Aragorn's annoyance.

"I think we should play a game." Announced Emily.

"What kind of game?" Asked Elrohir enthusiastically.

"I really don't think this is the time or place for games!" Said Aragorn trying not to loose his rag.

"All I hope is that this game stops her inane humming!" Sighed Elladan.

Legolas could be heard hitting Elladan around the head.

"Hey you have to be nice to me. I am your half step-sister."

"I am sorry young one I did not mean to offend. Elves only have basic morals underground." Said Elladan.

"Apology accepted. Right, Elrohir, in this game you have to pretend to be a fish then act out…Ahhhhh!!!!!! There is something on my foot!!!!" Squealed Emily hopping around.

Legolas stopped her bouncing, while Elrohir knelt down and removes the felonious object from her foot.

"Sssh melamin, it is alright. You just had your foot stuck in a skull." Legolas reassured.

"A skull! How is that reassuring! My foot was is a dead man's skull!"

"It was a woman's skull." Reaffirmed Elrohir.

"Oh well that's alright then!" Glared Emily. "I want to go home."

"Do you mean that?" Asked Legolas sadly.

"No." Pouted Emily. "It's just this place. It is dark and scary, Aragorn hates me, Elladan is making snide comments, and Gimli may have wet himself because it smells dire down here, I really really miss George and you are in a mood with me."

"I know things seem bad but it will get better, I promise." Said Legolas, "And why would I be in with you?"

"Urm…well you see…I kinda lost your knife." Emily waited for the reaction.

"WHAT!"

"I put it down so I could tie my shoelace and well when I went to pick it up I couldn't find it again."

If Emily could see Legolas in the imposing darkness she would have been able to see Legolas straining to keep his nostrils from flaring, but there was no way she could miss the tension radiating from the elf.

"You're mad aren't you?" Asked Emily.

"No." Said Legolas curtly.

"That means yes. Well maybe I should go home." Emily said quietly.

Legolas turned around in frustration and told Aragorn that they should continue on, no one noticed that Emily did not follow them.

****

"I know this is a difficult situation. Not just for you but also for everyone involved. Elladan, Elrohir, Arwen and myself will all find this adjustment complex but it…"

"And Emily, this affects her too!" George interrupted Elrond.

"Oh yes how could I forget her! Well what I really wanted to say was that, I wish for you to be extremely careful. We do not want to lose you so soon after finding you."

"I'll come back alive if you promise not to hug me." Stated George.

"Deal." Smiled Elrond.

With that George joined the Rohirrim in their ride to Minas Tirith.

****

"It's just you and me now Em." Sighed Emily as she tried to find her way out of the maze of dark passages.

*Hello!*

"Hey." Emily greeted her brain with all the enthusiasm she could muster which wasn't a lot.

*You actually said hey to me! Are you ill?*

"No just sad and lonely."

*No Emily's not supposed to be sad. She is the funny kid that listens to everyone else moan and does crazy things to cheer everyone else up.*

"Yeah well, it's my turn to be sad now."

*As your brain I feel a sudden overwhelming duty to do something about this.*

"You mean you want to help me!"

*Yes.*

"What do you want in return?"

*Nothing.*

"Ha Ha Ha."

*No really I have the perfect idea to cheer you up!*

"…"

*Aren't you going to say 'really?!' ?*

"I don't feel like it."

*What you need is someone brave to look after you and escort you out of this mess.*

"Is George coming?!"

*Not quite. Maybe you should check your bag.* With this Emily's brain retreated into the back of her sub-conscience to play ping pong with the surfer dude that it found lurking back there.

"Fine!" Emily tipped up her bag and with a thump a man landed at her feet.

"What the..?" The guy said.

"Oh. My. God!" Emily fainted.

Five minutes later…

"Wake up, come on, please wake up!" The guy was getting seriously anxious.

"Mmmm…mmmm…Legolas?" Emily mumbled as she began to come around.

"No not Legolas. Orlando Bloom." Said Orlando Bloom pointing to his brown, curly head.

"Huh?" Emily leapt up. "Oh god! Orlando Bloom! Ah! Yipes! How? Wow! Gorgeous! Oh! Man! Help! Orlando!" Emily paused for breath.

"Are you done?" Asked Orlando.

"Nearly! Whoa! Huh? Yum! Yay! Yippee! OK done now."

"Do you know where we are?"

"Paths of the Dead."

Orlando laughed but soon stopped when Emily carried on looking deadly serious.

"How?!" Yelped Orlando.

"Long story." Emily sighed. "Me and my brother fell into the fridge landed in Middle-earth, went with the Fellowship on a quest to destroy the One Ring. Ended up here, made Legolas mad, got lost, decided I needed someone brave to help me and voila here you are!"

Orlando stared on in confused silence.

"So are you brave?" Asked Emily.

"What do you mean you made Legolas mad?" Asked Orlando in turn.

"I lost his knife by accident, he tried to pretend he wasn't mad but it was obvious that he was so he walked off and I kinda forgot to follow everyone."

"Forgot?"

"You haven't seen him when he is being stubborn!" Cried Emily in defense.

"Ok man. Here's what we do. We see if we can catch up with everyone, if not we will make our way out of here, somehow. Then I dunno maybe you could conjure up another fridge we can get back to earth in."

"You're going to help me?!"

"Well I can't leave you here. I've never been one to say no to a challenge, and if this truly is middle-earth and you are in fact not crazy as I currently believe then I will not leave you here to be eaten by some Orc!" Stated Orlando with conviction.

"Wow that was an immense speech!" Gushed Emily.

"So what way did Legolas go then?"

"Well last I saw, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and the Twins were heading that way." Emily pointed down a chilling passage.

"Here we go then." Orlando took Emily's hand and led her into the darkness.

****

"Maybe I should apologize to Emily. What do you think?" Whispered Legolas.

"It is up to you. However, that girl has been a nuisance this whole quest!" Sighed Aragorn.

"I do not think she can help it." Laughed Elrohir.

"I'm going to apologize." Legolas turned round and looked into the darkness hoping to spot Emily.

"Emily?" He called.

Silence.

"Emily?!"

More silence.

"EMILY?!"

Still more silence, you would have thought he would have got the picture by now.

"Where is she?! Asked a panicked Legolas. "Who saw her last?"

"I haven't seen her since she told you about the knife." Grunted Gimli.

"What?! This is my fault! We have to find her!" Cried the elf.

"We cannot go back we have wasted too much time already!" Argued Aragorn.

"We are not leaving her!" Roared Legolas.

"Yeah!" Cried the twins. "We're not leaving our step half-sister behind!"

"Grunt." Said Gimli.

"Fine!" Relented Aragorn. "You have thirty minutes to find her, then I want you all back here! That's final!"

Legolas shpt Aragorn his nastiest glare then went in search of his melamin.

****

"So where is your brother then?" Asked Orlando as he took the flashlight Emily offered him.

"He is riding with the Rohirrim." Emily answered the sadness obvious in her voice.

"Why would he leave you on your own?"

"He didn't, he made sure that Legolas would look after me. Well he thought Legolas would look after me." Emily sighed.

"If I meet this elf I may have to hit him." Said Orlando with a smile.

"Be my guest." Said Emily pointing at the approaching figure of Legolas.

"Emily?!" Called Legolas.

"Finally noticed I was gone did you?!" Called Emily back.

Legolas stepped into the light and was about to apologize, throw his arms around Emily and beg forgiveness but was distracted by the man standing by her side.

Orlando and Legolas stood staring at each other in a stunned silence you can only manage when something really weird is happening.

"Good likeness, huh?" Grinned Emily.

****

A/N: Emily: Another long chapter yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you to all reviewers:

Shadowz- Rasmus!!!!!!! Have you seen Lil' Smartass' review?!

Tidus'luvr99 – Helloooo ever-loyal one. Here is your update.

Lil' Smartass – He He He Blackmail is goooooooooooood!

Ayiicalime- Hey you! Yes Guru is Christian you smart little frog.

Snow crystals- We updated! Yay Orli is here!

Rainbow dreamer – Blackmail blackmail lovely lovely blackmail!

Legolas' huni – I'm Legolas' humi!

Pretendingtobesane – How did the kung-fu work out for you – have you updated yet? Good to know the MIB are gone.

Voyd – I'm going through a sane period! V. Boring!!!!!!!!

Sorry is we forgot you! Send me an angry email if we did!!!!!!