A/N: Emily: Please forgive me. I just re-read the last chapter and the amount of mistakes in it are unforgivable! However, I shall blame George.
George: Why me?!
Emily: Because you scared off our beta reader!
George: Yeah well I am still after lil' Smartass. She will pay!
Disclaimer: And again may you please refrain from suing us because I have lent Emily my money so she can see Troy AGAIN!
Emily: P.S I apologize for the amount of times we used the word Uber in this chapter. It happens to be our word of the month.
Chapter Twenty-Six – "Thank the lord I didn't sleep with him!"
"Take that you bum tickling fag muffin!" Cried George as he and Yoshie ploughed through the swarm of Orcs. "I think we're winning!"
"Drive them back to the river!" Shouted Eomer.
The Orcs began to run for their lives towards the river.
"Make safe the city!" Ordered Theoden.
The Rohirrim followed the orders given by their commands but were driven to silence as the ground began to shake and the horses shifted nervously beneath each rider.
"Oh. My. ..!" Mouthed George as he watched the gigantic Mumakil approach. Yoshie shook excitedly, "I don't think you'll be able to swallow one of them Yosh."
"Reform the line! Reform the line!" Yelled Theoden. "Sound the charge!"
"If I was an uber elephant what would I be scared of?" Mused George. "Uber mice! Where's Emily when you need that magic bag of hers?! Right think George."
(A/N: Emily: This could take a while.)
"That's it!" Yelped George. Yoshie looked skeptically at his owner. "Em and me are uber related that means we can communicate telepathically!"
A little plot bunny bounced onto George's lap.
"You cannot just suddenly have telepathic powers. That is ridiculous!" Argued the bunny.
"Oh yeah because falling into Middle-earth through Strawberry trifle is realistic!"
"I give up with this story. I'm going to find myself a proper author to play with like Shadowz!" With that the little bunny was gone.
"That was one annoying bunny! Now back to my newly acquired telepathy. Come on Em I know you can hear me."
....
"We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we oh my smegging god!!!!!!!" Emily fell to the deck of the ship clutching her head.
"Emily!" Cried Legolas rushing to her side.
"Ouchbollocksbuttockssmegcityarsewipeshiteaterfuckwitknobcheeselemontossingcrapsmugglingtitswanktwatofasmeggingbrother…"
Legolas colored at Emily's extensive vocabulary.
"…donkeyrapingshiteatingknobjocky!"
"Are you alright my love?" Asked Legolas.
"George. Mice. Uber. Elephants!"
"In English?" Inquired Aragorn.
"Uber Mice." Said Emily simply.
"In English?" Asked Aragorn again.
Gimli, Aragorn, Elladan and Elrohir all jumped back as five huge mice scuttered off at warp speed off the boat and began an Olympic swim towards Gondor.
"Explain?" Questioned Legolas.
"George told me he was in need of some uber mice."
"Uber?" Shuddered Elladan still recovering from the recent spectacle.
"Giant." Clarified Emily with a smile. "You really should visit Canterbury England there are lots of interesting words there."
The group tried to relax into what they were doing before Emily spazzed out until 'ever the quick' Aragorn picked up on something;
"What do you mean George told you he wanted Uber Mice?!"
"We're telepathic apparently."
"You are?" Asked Legolas.
"Apparently we can conjure up special powers. Hey! That's kind of useful! Maybe I could become invisible."
Legolas frowned.
"Or maybe I could become an immense fighter!"
Aragorn scoffed.
"Or maybe I could read people's minds! I like that one."
Everyone gulped.
"Legolas! You naughty elf!" Screeched Emily after delving into the unsuspecting elf's mind. "And as for you Aragorn I am sure Lord Elrond would love to know what you have been up to!"
The elf and the man went wide eyed and hurried off hoping some distance would prevent Emily from finding out their deepest desires.
Emily laughed as Gimli, Elladan and Elrohir began to back away slowly. "Don't worry I can't really read your minds."
"Then how..?" Asked Elrohir.
"I know Legolas well enough to know what he is thinking about. As for Aragorn, what future son in-law hasn't got anything to hide from their future father in-law?!"
Elrohir and Elladan smirked at each other and went in search of Aragorn armed with some witty jibes for the man.
....
"Do you think it worked?" Asked George to Yoshie. "Because those Elephants are gaining ground!"
"George pass Merry your spear!" Called Eowyn as her horse pulled up by Yoshie's side.
"And what am I supposed to fight with?"
"Your sword." Answered Eowyn.
"Oh yeah." Exclaimed a surprised George as he noticed the sword hanging form his hip. "Here you go Merry!"
George watched as Eowyn cut down a Mumakil down on her own.
"Well if she can do it so can we Yoshie." Yoshie looked on doubtfully. "Come on Yoshie be a man!"
grunt
"Fine, we'll wait for the uber mice." George looked to the skies in search of some boredom relief. "Oh give us a chuffing break!"
The Witch-King of Angmar blotted the skyline circling the battlefield.
"Bring it down! Bring it down! Bring it down!" Theoden could be heard calling.
In perfect timing that could only be achieved by Emily, the Uber Mice appeared and brought down the Mumakil. Unfortunately the uber mice brought the Mumakil down on themselves and Eowyn and Merry's Horse. At the last moment Eowyn managed to roll out of the way.
"Merry!" Cried Eowyn.
"Great Em! You could have sent me intelligent Uber Mice!" Scowled George.
Emily's voice could be heard in George's head; "Well you should be more specific!"
grumblegrumble
A loud screeching noise sounded from above as the Witch-King swooped down upon he's fell beast.
Everyone looked on in horror as Theoden and his horse were taken into the fell beast's mouth and tossed about like a rag doll. Theoden was thrown and lay trapped beneath his horse as the Witch-King approached his prey.
"Feast on his flesh." Snarled the Witch-King.
"No smart comment." Said George numbly as many idiotic plans flooded through his head in a confusing ball of Lycra tights and Special powers. A voice broke through George's thoughts;
"I will kill you if you touch him!" Cried Eowyn.
"Do not become between a Nazgul and his prey."
George hopped off Yoshie and stood between Eowyn and the Nazgul.
"Perhaps we could come to some kind of agreement over some cookies and milk?!"
George dodged quickly as Eowyn swung her sword relieving the Fell Beast of its head.
"No cookies huh?" Whimpered George stepping back.
The Lord of the Nazgul approached slowly revealing the biggest and pointiest sledgehammer type thingy you have ever seen in your entire life.
....
"Come on you sea-rats! Get off your ship!" Shouted an Orc as the Pirate ships docked.
The Orcs were met with a stern looking man, three pissed off elves, a stout dwarf and a girl who was more interested in fixing her eyeliner than the impending fight.
"There are plenty for both of us." Gimli said Legolas, "May the best dwarf win!"
The group attacked followed by 'as it turns out' the very friendly ghosts.
"I think the Orcs just pissed their pants. Do Orcs even where pants?" Asked Emily.
"Not really the time hunny." Answered Legolas as he battled his way through the Orcs.
....
Eowyn dodged swing after swing of the Witch-King's weapon but was eventually knocked to the ground when the hammer connected with her shield shattering her arm.
"Fool…No man can kill me…die now…"
Eowyn pulled herself to her feet and revealed her long, flowing, golden hair.
"I AM NO MAN!" Eowyn rammed her sword into where the Nazgul's face would have been.
George waited in excitement for the Nazgul to implode but it never happened.
"It would appear that you are not all you seem." Laughed the Witch-King.
Surrounding soldiers began to ardently spit and try to floss their teeth with blades of grass with their enlightened views of the gender of their Shield maiden.
"It is time for you to die!" The Witch-King stepped forward but suddenly screamed in pain and fell to his knees revealing George behind him sword in hand.
"This is not possible! You are a man." Gasped the Witch-King.
"That is where you are wrong sonny! I am a quarter man, quarter elf, quarter heavy metal Mosher, an eighth Lord of England and an eighth absolute pissed off teenager!"
With that the Witch-King imploded.
"You saved my life!" Cried Eowyn.
"Please don't hug me!" Yelped George. "You had better see to Theoden. Oh and if you could yank Merry out from under that Elephant it would be very much appreciated." George went in search of Emily muttering; "Thank the lord I didn't sleep with him!"
....
"Legolas!" Called Aragorn as a Mumakil began its charge towards them.
Legolas ran towards the beast and swiftly climbed up the beast's tusk.
"Legolas Greenleaf! You get down from that elephant this instant!" Demanded Emily.
Legolas continued his ascent on the Mumakil all the while counting the number of Haradrim he dispatched from the beast's back.
"I mean it! No pocket money for you, I am docking your allowance." Screamed Emily.
Legolas took down the Mumakil with three arrows and gracefully slid off the Mumakil's trunk landing in front of Emily and Gimli.
"That still counts of one!" Squabbled Gimli.
"Swoon!" Emily collapsed into Legolas' arms.
....
"Release us." Said the King of the Dead.
The battle of Pelenor field was over and the Dead had fulfilled their oath.
"Bad idea! Very handy in a tight spot, these lads, despite the fact they're dead." Suggested Gimli.
"You gave us your word!" Said The King of the Dead becoming angry.
"Hey Barbossa the friendly ghost, the friendliest ghost you'll know..!" Sang George.
"You must be George, Emily's brother. You have your sister's quirkiness."
"One way of putting it!" Sniggered George.
"I hold your oath fulfilled. Go, be at peace." Said Aragorn.
The Dead, finally free, disappeared with the wind.
"Emily!" Cried George noticing Legolas approaching with Emily in his arms. "Noooooooo!!!!! What happened?! You were supposed to take care of her!" George hit Legolas round the head with the hilt of his sword knocking the elf to the ground.
"She is fine." Groaned Legolas quietly, grabbing the sword from George as the boy manhandled Emily out of his arms.
"How do you reckon unconscious is fine?!"
"Mmm yum mmhmmm naked elves mmm…" Emily woke up.
Legolas raised a delicate eyebrow and George looked disappointedly down at his sister.
"Oh leave me alone. It's not like you have never swooned and fainted!" Snapped Emily.
"That was a long time ago! Come here you little ratbag." Laughed George as he hugged Emily with immense gusto.
"Legolas! You have a bruise! Who did it? I'll kill them!" Shrieked Emily.
George hummed nervously.
"It is just from the battle. I will be fine." Answered Legolas.
"If you are sure. Lets explore the CGI City!" Decided Emily as she dragged George up and ran towards Minas Tirith.
....
A/N: George: Well we are nearing the end. Thank you to Becca for the 'bum tickling fag muffin.'
Emily: Noooooooo! sobs uncontrollably
George: It's OK Em there's one or two more chapters and Epilogue still to write.
Who wants a sneaky peak at what we've got planned? Well be warned there are Zombies, the disappearance of a certain dragon, Emily's interest in a curse, a change in royalty, the return of two favorites and not to forget a certain duo and a pesky ring that need the Emily and George treatment still all to come!
Emily: Maybe we should put a health warning at the beginning of this fic. Anyhow here are the thank yous:
Ayiicaalimé – That damn bed!
Pretendingtobesane – I am 16 (ha! Ayiicaalimé!) so I get to see Troy whenever I want! I have seen it three times now! Woo Hoo! Go for the blackmail you must see this film! Naked Orli! Damn that bed in the way!
Rainbow Dreamer - 'Emily tries to hold in laughter' You have succumb to the Legolisousness of the very talented Mr. Bloom!
Jade: Yummy Pirates! A definite idea for a new fic me thinks!
Tidus'luvr99 – Down with studying! I have a GCSE on Tuesday and still haven't picked up a book yet! I foresee a big fat F!
Shadowz – Oooh you were mentioned in this chappie! My ever loyal Trogdorian!