A/N: Emily: It's the last chapter. 'holds in a sob'
George: Hey don't worry we get paid after this one!
Emily: Urm…no we don't.
George: What do you mean no we don't?! You said and I quote; "George wouldn't it be a great idea to write a comedy fan fiction?' To which I said 'Not really.' To which you added 'We'll get paid for it.'
Emily: Tiny lil' lie to get you to help. George? George?! Where are you going?
Disclaimer: Everything will be sterilized after this chapter and put back in its box. No money is being made out of this despite what George thinks.
Chapter Twenty-Eight – The End of all Things.
"How long before Frodo wakes up do ya think?" Asked Pippin.
"Gandalf said that it wouldn't be long." Answered Merry. The Hobbit looked over at his friend who was staring out over the fields of Pelenor. "Everything will be all right Pip."
"I don't know Merry. I just can't help thinking everything was a lot brighter when those two were around. Gandalf lets out all his grumbling on me, Aragorn seems to be getting worse…"
"Maybe he is missing them...?" Interjected Merry with a grin.
"Maybe? Worse of all, Legolas hasn't been seen for days. Maybe I should have let him go after Emily. He would have got the chance to say goodbye." A small tear fell down the hobbit's face.
"Come here Pip. It's not your fault, I'm sure Legolas will be fine." Merry comforted, hoping to sound more confident than he felt.
….
"I think it's ready!" Called George back to Emily who was perched precariously on a rock.
"Are you sure?!" Cried Emily seemingly unconvinced.
"Look if we wait for you to think it is ready we will be stuck on this mountain for centuries!"
"How do you know it's ready?"
"Because I'm standing on it!" Yelled George impatiently.
"You could be on a hard patch. Take one step and get sucked into it!"
"We have waited for this lava to solidify for a week now! I don't care if it is not ready! I will not wait here any longer with your incredulous ideas of warding off boredom!"
"I thought the 'name that rock' game was rather amusing!"
"There is only so many times you can name a rock Rocky before it becomes seriously obtuse!"
"Yeah well, it worked for Sylvester Stalone!" Cried Emily in defense.
"If you don't get off that rock this instance I will go to Gondor on my own and have to inform Legolas that I killed you with my bare hands!"
"Fine! I'm moving but if I get sticky, messy lava on my shoes I will sit exactly where I am until you get my Prince on a white horse to come and rescue me!"
"Never would have got this trouble with Arwen!" Mumbled George.
"I heard that!" Yelled Emily gaining on her brother.
….
"What's that?" Asked Merry pointing to two black specs on the horizon.
"I'm not sure. Maybe we should tell someone?" Offered Pippin.
"Tell someone what?" Came a tired voice.
"Legolas!" Cried the two Hobbits. "Where have you been?"
"Oh nowhere." Sighed the elf. "What is it that you should be telling someone?" Legolas hoped to detract attention away from his absence.
"Oh! We saw something approaching. We did not know what it was." Answered Merry.
Legolas walked forward and peered out over the fields.
"It cannot be…" He whispered before running off in the opposite direction.
Merry looked at Pippin and Pippin looked at Merry.
"What now..?" Inquired Pippin.
"Maybe we should get Aragorn." Suggested Merry. Pippin nodded his agreement and followed his friend to Aragorn's chambers.
….
"Come in." Groaned Aragorn.
"Um Aragorn, we just thought we should let you know that something is approaching Minas Tirith and Legolas has gone running off." Whispered Merry.
"What is it that is approaching?" Moaned Aragorn in pain.
"We don't know. However, I think Legolas does." Answered Pippin.
"Please tell me it isn't..!" Gasped Aragorn.
"Are you all right Aragorn? You look deathly pale." Sniffed Pippin nervously.
Aragorn began to writhe about in pain, twisting and thrashing as if fighting the bed linen.
"I don't think frosted eyes and green skin is a sign of recovery!" Whimpered Merry pulling Pippin out of the room and turning the key in the lock.
….
"Gandalf we have a problem!" Cried Merry.
Gimli, Sam and Gandalf all sat around a small table in one of the welcoming halls when Merry and Pippin approached them.
"Well what is it?" Ordered Gandalf.
"Legolas has gone running off after a black speck and Aragorn is kind of dead!" Said Pippin in one breath.
"What do you mean kind of dead?!"
"Well it seems that he has decided to turn into a Zombie." Whimpered Merry.
"…" Exclaimed Gandalf.
"…" Cried Gimli.
"…" Yelped Sam.
"That's what we said!" Informed Pippin.
"How many black specs were there?" Babbled Gandalf regaining his voice.
"Two." Answered the Hobbits.
"It would seem that they have returned!" Concluded Gandalf shaking his head in dismay.
….
"Is that a horse or a really low cloud?" Asked George watching the white blur approach. "You know I really should invest in some glasses."
"Legolas!" Cried Emily.
"I know Legolas could lose a few pounds but that things way to wide to be him!" Laughed George.
Thump
"You didn't have to hit me!" Groaned George as he watched Emily run towards the white object, which now had split into two.
"Emily!" Called Legolas as he dismounted Arod and ran the rest of the distance.
(A/N: George: Should we do this in slow motion? Emily: Why not add some cheesy music like urm… George: Ghostbusters! Emily: No you idiot! George: Well you did say cheesy. Emily: What about Hero by Enrique?)
I can be your Hero baby…Legolas pulled Emily into his arms.
I can kiss away the pain…Their lips met in a passionate kiss
(A/N: George; this is wrong!)
I will stand by you forever…"I thought you left." Cried Legolas.
You can take my breath away.
(George takes out a shotgun and caps Enrique's arse.)
"I would never leave you!" Sobbed Emily into Legolas' hair.
"I saw the portal, what happened?!"
"Long story really…" Began Emily.
Time Warp
"This place is going to come down any minute!" Shouted George.
"Shouldn't we wait for Frodo and Sam?!" Cried Emily back.
"If we were brave and fearless then yes."
"I take it we are fleeing for our lives then."
"Yep!"
George and Emily run swiftly out of the mountain and began to descend it at great speed.
"I'm going to fall if you don't slow down!" Yelped Emily as George pulled her along.
"No you…" Before George could finish the sentence Emily tripped on a rock sending her flying into George.
The pair cascaded down the mountain in a pile of swear words and cries of pain.
"If God does not smite you down for that I will do it myself!" Groaned George as he pulled himself up on all fours and looked around for Emily. "Em? Em?! Where are you?!"
George heard a string of curses emanating from the protruding rock below the ledge he was on.
"I told you I would fall if you didn't slow down!" Barked Emily as George's face appeared from over the ledge.
"No time for me to pass the blame onto you, the heat behind me tells me that there is lava approaching!"
George leaped down to Emily and dragged her to her feet.
"Where are we going?" Demanded Emily.
"We are seeking refuge in that crevasse there!" George pointed to a small ravine that sunk into the mountain.
"Did I ever tell you how I got out of the caves of Helm's Deep? You have got to be kidding if you think I am going back into somewhere as dank as that!"
"If you stay here and melt, Legolas will die of a broken heart, then so will Gimli and by a bizarre series of events each of the Fellowship will die and that includes Haldir! If you want to be responsible for all their deaths then fine but I am not letting you kill me off!" George picked up Emily and threw her over his shoulder.
"This is most unbecoming!" Whined Emily.
….
"How long do we have to stay in here?!" Whined Emily.
"We've only been in here for one minute!" Snapped George.
"grumble"
"This would have never of happened if those bloody cheesestrings were put back in the right place." Moaned George.
"I suppose you're going to blame me for that!"
"Damn it! I wish I was a celebrity!"
"Why?"
"Coz then I could scream; Get me out of here!" With that a blue light shone down from the heavens and settled at the opening of the ravine.
"Cool!" Remarked Emily.
"I'm guessing that this is the way home." Said George as he dipped his finger in the cream of the strawberry trifle that came with the blue light.
"Are we meant to leave now?" Asked Emily sadly.
"Technically yes as it is the end of the story." Sighed George.
"What would happen if we didn't leave?"
"No idea." George got up and motioned Emily to follow. They walked out onto a path of raised rock that held them high above the oozing lava.
"Urm George?"
"Yes Emily."
"I think I just found out what would happen if we didn't go back."
George looked round and found himself staring face to face with the strawberry trifle that had followed them across the path. George and Emily backed away but still the trifle followed.
"What do we do?" Whispered George.
"I'll just check in my 'How to escape a floating trifle' handbook." Emily shot George a look.
"Just asking!"
"Well if I was a evil trifle what would I be scared of?" Mused Emily.
"What any food product would be scared of!" Declared George.
"What's that?"
"Being eaten of course!" Cried George pulling a spoon out from Emily's bag.
The trifle began to edge away.
"Oh no you don't! You are mine you yummy dessert!" George pounced on the trifle. "This really is rather good. Come and try some Emily."
"Yum!!!!! I would love to smear this on Leg…"
"Stop that line of thought NOW!" Cried George in alarm.
Emily sniggered. "Gandalf will never let us bring this trifle on the eagles."
"Your right. Maybe we should hide when he comes."
Emily smirked; "How long does it take for lava to solidify?"
George shrugged. The two sat back down and began to make their way through the layers of cream, jelly, sponge and fruit.
….
"A floating trifle?!" Asked an dubious Legolas.
"Well it was that or our Mother demanding we come home. Either way it was a lot more interesting than 'Nope really rather prefer it here.'"
….
"I see you have returned then." Laughed Boromir pulling Emily and George into a tight hold.
"Quick Biology lesson Boz. Humans need to breathe." Gasped George.
"Sorry." Chuckled Boromir.
"Laddie! Lass! It is good to see you!" Cried Gimli.
Everyone except Aragorn had come to welcome Emily and George back. Even Gandalf couldn't help back grin at the return of the two.
"I really must be getting back to Frodo. I feel that he is about to awake!" Gandalf turned to leave and soon after everyone else had started to follow.
….
"Gandalf?!" Asked a disbelieving Frodo.
Gandalf smiled kindly down and soon both erupted into laughter.
"They're high." Announced George to everyone gathered outside the door. "So where's Legolas then?" He asked as Merry and Pippin ran in to greet Frodo.
"He just went to change."
Next in was Gimli as Legolas arrived outside the room dressed beautifully in a silvery blue tunic. Emily turned around to look at the elf.
"……………………………." Gasped Emily and then proceeded to faint.
"Again without the warning!" Sighed George as he, Legolas and Emily in the elf's arms entered the room. Frodo chuckled at the sight and smiled warmly at Legolas.
Legolas and co were followed by a euphoric Boromir and Haldir and then finally Sam with a knowing smile on his lips.
Frodo looked around and frowned; "Where is Aragorn?"
Emily gulped in her sleep.
"Boromir, if you would do the honors." Gandalf motioned to the doorway.
Boromir left the room for a minute. When he returned it was not alone.
"Frodo meet Aragorn the Zombie, Aragorn the Zombie meet Frodo." Introduced Gandalf.
"Fllmphhmmm!" Grunted Aragorn the Zombie.
"…" Whimpered Frodo.
"Do not worry he is quite harmless as long as you keep hold of his chain." Smiled Gandalf.
"Mmmm…trifle…yum…Legol…" Legolas shook Emily awake quickly before she could continue her mumblings.
"Oh! Hello Frodo! You look well. In fact too well. Maybe you should get out of bed! That's a good idea, everyone should go outside." Emily ushered everyone out of the room. "I have a new plan, everyone goes out and Legolas and I will guard the bed!" Before anyone could say anything Emily had barricaded herself and Legolas into the bedroom.
"Emily! You get out of there this instant! Legolas if you go near her I will… Aaahgh! Did you know it is possible for the male penis to snap during sex! Think about that Legolas!" Cried George in desperation before running off after Boromir, Haldir and Gandalf.
"Shoot me now." Cringed George.
"I have some news for you George." Began Gandalf. "Aragorn the Zombie is not a highly suitable choice for King of Gondor. Seeing as Boromir is first Steward of Gondor it seemed appropriate that he choose the King."
"Hey! At least you won't sing at your coronation!" Laughed George. "You won't will you?" Asked George becoming suddenly worried.
"I am not having a coronation. I am returning to Lothlorien with Haldir. I have chosen you George. It shall be your coronation my friend." Stated Boromir with conviction.
"I swore I would never do this but…" George fainted.
….
"Now come the days of the King. May they be blessed." Announced Gandalf.
The wizard stepped out of the way revealing George fiddling with the crown on his head.
"Yo my minions!" Began George.
Emily stood in the crowd gushing proudly, every so often she would nudge Faramir in the ribs and say; "That's my brother!" Occasionally followed by; "You're very cute!"
"I have decided after much protesting that I should sing you a song. I have thought very hard about what I should sing but drew a blank. Then it came to me late last night."
George took in a deep breath. (To the tune of 'All the small things' by Blink 182)
"All the George things,
Rock hair, booze binge,
I'll take you down,
With my mean frown.
Always, I know,
Buffy let's go!
Tanked up, with Gin, regurgitating.
Say it ain't so, the last Red Dwarf show!
I've come to an end, need Nurofen.
Na, na, na, na, na, na…"
With that George descended from the platform towards his sister.
"Right I am giving you full warning. Are you listening to me?!" Yelled George.
Emily quit staring at Faramir and turned to her brother, "I'm all ears."
"Now do you remember what happens next?"
"We bow to the Hobbits." Stated Emily.
"Good try but no. A certain elf comes along in a change of clothes."
Emily began to drool.
"Now I want you to promise that you won't swoon and collapse." Finished George.
Emily nodded.
"Good. Right now where is that elf."
On cue Legolas flanked by lots of yummy elves appeared complete with crown. A small smile graced his face causing Emily to hold onto Faramir for support.
"The crown is very befitting on you friend." Smiled Legolas.
"Likewise." Replied George.
"Wow." Gulped Emily. "Film does you no justice."
Legolas kneeled down before Emily and held out his hand to an elf behind him. The elf placed a small box into Legolas' hand.
"Emily, remember when we were on our way to Isengard after the battle of Helm's Deep?"
Emily could only nod.
"I promised you something."
Emily nodded again.
"Will do me the honor of becoming Princess of Mirkwood and my beloved wife?" Legolas looked hopefully at Emily.
Emily opened her mouth to speak…
….
A/N: Emily: The end!!!!!! Only kidding there will be an Epilogue!
It's been a while since we have asked for reviews because you guys have been wicked but now we really want to push our number of reviews up before we depart from fandom.
George is off sulking I might have to bribe him to come back for the Epilogue. I could just blackmail him…there was this one time when he was three…
Thank you to all our superlative reviewers:
Rainbow Dreamer – Glad you are back. I have an idea! STOP REVISING!
LeaRobins Leana Scarlette – Legolas got his hug!
Pretendingtobesane – I would never have you live a lie!
Shadowz – You and your Crows! Or should I say Lauri's Crows?! I'm sorry I didn't get the "It's all Sticky…" line in!
Limpet666 – Two reviews! Woo Hoo! Yes Orli does get he's kit off in Troy! Yum Yum I'm seeing it for the fifth time tomorrow! Oh and Faramir makes his appearance in this chapter. If I had known for your love sooner I would have squeezed him in a bit more! Though Legolas and Faramir might not be too much to handle at once..?!