Chapter Thirteen: Yokobue - Flute
"Your ability to read games like that borders on precognition, Sai- sensei." Touya Kouyo laughed, sipping at his tea. Touya Kouyo almost always played a game against his son every morning, but today, Akira had been running a bit late and the game was left unfinished. Sai, however, had quickly been able to point out the one stone that would eventually cost the younger Touya his position in the entire upper left quadrant.
"Ah, there's no need to be so formal with me, Touya-sensei!" Sai bowed quickly, following Touya Kouyo into the living room. Since he had brought no possessions of his own, Sai had simply borrowed some of the other man's old clothing. It suited him well, or so he thought. The plain, flowing hakama made soft noises on the floor as he walked.
"In that case, Kouyo will do." Afternoon light flooded through the paper-covered windows of the Touya home.
"Hmm?"
"Kouyo. You should call me 'Kouyo.'"
"Oh." Sai mentally repeated that to himself: Kouyo, Kouyo. Like so many other things, it had that maddeningly familiar feeling - a part of himself held just out of reach. Why did Kami-sama toy with him in such a way? Quickly he banished such thoughts from his mind. There was a reason for everything, and sometimes truth was only apparent in hindsight. So, part of his mind quietly accepted the emptiness within, content to hope for some glimmer of memory. The other half was simply impatient and selfish, or so he attempted to convince himself.
"Sai... You know a Hikaru Shindou, right?"
"Hmm? Hikaru... well, you know how things always strike me as familiar..." Touya Kouyo frowned in thought. He often appeared stiff and stern - an impression only strengthened by the ramrod-straight way in which he sat on the couch. Sai, in contrast, allowed his willowy body to rest comfortably beside the older man. Eventually, Kouyo's face softened from whatever exercise of thought he had been conducting.
"In any case, I'm grateful for your company. I didn't realize how lonely this house could become. My wife always wanted to redecorate - she said this place began to feel like a museum after a while." Sai had already met Touya Kouyo's wife when she came to pick up Akira for the weekend - although Akira probably spent more time with his father due to school and tournaments. "Akira also appreciates your help... he means well, but he's a distant boy."
Distant was a mild way of putting it - Sai had not seen Touya Akira smile once in the weeks he had spent in their home. He often seemed distracted, and made mistakes that a player like Sai easily recognized as the errors of a troubled mind. And yet what help could Sai possibly be - a man who could barely remember his own name? The last thing he wanted was to appear discontent.
But in truth, he was happy. Almost from the first instant he had met Touya Kouyo, he had sensed a certain power in the older man. Although he played with ruthless strategy in Go, he was a surprisingly warm father to his ever-cool son. Even though Touya Kouyo presented him with yet another set of conflicting emotions and half-remembered echoes of the past, Sai felt himself drawn closer.
"Is something wrong?" Sai shook his head, trying awkwardly to clear his thoughts.
"No, nothing... just thinking." A few more moments were spent in silence until Sai dared to venture a question. It was not a fear of Kouyo's stony expression - that he knew to be a false cover for a kind person. Instead, he feared himself - in not being able to contain the warring feelings within himself. "Kouyo... isn't it a little bit strange..." He trailed off.
"What's strange?"
"I am. I don't remember anything, though I'm trying so hard to. You've told me that we've met before - it was over a computer, yes, but I feel like I should remember! Kouyo, I want to remember!" Sai's usually soft voice rose in intensity until it was almost frantic. He instantly pulled back, suddenly realizing how close he had become to Kouyo, and how acutely he felt that distance.
"Does it really matter who you were?" asked Kouyo, quietly. "There are people who would welcome the chance to start over with no memory of the things they've done wrong, or the people they've hurt."
"But... even painful memories..."
"Sai, sometimes I think that I've devoted my life to the pursuit of nothing more than a game. All around me, people live normal lives. There were times when my wife and son passed before my eyes as if nothing more than a dream, or ghosts. I've never been much of a father, or a lover. Now that I'm retired... I have time to sit alone with my memories."
"Would you give them all up, though? Wouldn't you want to remember Akira, and..." Sai earnestly met Kouyo's eyes. "Aren't there people that make you complete? Living like this is no better than living like a ghost. It's a half-life."
"Sai..." Touya Kouyo's body lost its usual stiffness as he leaned back into the couch. "I'd want to remember you."
It was a gnawing, terrible emptiness. Not only the place where memories of Kouyo should be, but memories of someone else as well... the silence of vacuum was deafening. Sai couldn't hold on much longer. Lowering his head, he reached out one slim hand for Kouyo's. That hand seemed so warm on a brisk late summer morning, probably from holding a teacup. Out of their own will, his fingers seemed to entwine with Kouyo's. Or maybe it was Kouyo who was moving; Sai had veiled the outside world away from himself with a curtain of black hair.
And then, another set of warm fingertips settled on his face. It was then that Sai realised he was crying, when a cool wet feeling was smeared across his cheek. He wanted to hide his face, but Kouyo's hand gently forced him to look up.
"Sai... please." It was so hard to breath - a warm feeling had overtaken the emptiness, but even that was painful. He felt as if he might burst. Kouyo's hand on his face... unconsciously he leaned into that touch even as the hand slipped lower, eventually caressing his neck before finally breaking contact. Sai, though, still craved more.
It didn't take much, really, to let his body simply fall lightly against Kouyo's. Unintelligible words slipped from his mouth in another language - some part of his mind identified it as Chinese, but even Sai couldn't fathom the meaning of his own words. Perhaps they didn't even matter. He was crying as if his body was merely filled with salt water.
Kouyo's first kiss reminded Sai of the way moths flocked to a paper lantern on summer nights. It was so soft that it could have been missed. Disjointed images entered Sai's mind - a maple leaf following a stream current, and chrysanthemums eerily touched by an early frost. A soft song played on a flute that seemed to conjure the wind to whip through tall grass. As his mind clawed for these fragments of memory, his lips met Kouyo's again with the same feverent desperation.
Finally, though, there were only two people wrapped so tightly in each other's arms that they might have been inseparable.
"I want to remember you."
Useful Japanese Section!:
Yokobue - Chapter 37 of "Genji", meaning "flute." Sai seems to have been a flute player... Hakama - the pants/skirt things that Touya Kouyo always wears. That style of hakama is traditional men's clothing, also worn by a lot of martial artists. Chinese language - Sai would have spoken Chinese in addition to Japanese... during the Heian period, the official court language used by men was Chinese, and Japanese was considered women's language. So, most of the beautiful early Japanese literature and poetry were written by women.
"Your ability to read games like that borders on precognition, Sai- sensei." Touya Kouyo laughed, sipping at his tea. Touya Kouyo almost always played a game against his son every morning, but today, Akira had been running a bit late and the game was left unfinished. Sai, however, had quickly been able to point out the one stone that would eventually cost the younger Touya his position in the entire upper left quadrant.
"Ah, there's no need to be so formal with me, Touya-sensei!" Sai bowed quickly, following Touya Kouyo into the living room. Since he had brought no possessions of his own, Sai had simply borrowed some of the other man's old clothing. It suited him well, or so he thought. The plain, flowing hakama made soft noises on the floor as he walked.
"In that case, Kouyo will do." Afternoon light flooded through the paper-covered windows of the Touya home.
"Hmm?"
"Kouyo. You should call me 'Kouyo.'"
"Oh." Sai mentally repeated that to himself: Kouyo, Kouyo. Like so many other things, it had that maddeningly familiar feeling - a part of himself held just out of reach. Why did Kami-sama toy with him in such a way? Quickly he banished such thoughts from his mind. There was a reason for everything, and sometimes truth was only apparent in hindsight. So, part of his mind quietly accepted the emptiness within, content to hope for some glimmer of memory. The other half was simply impatient and selfish, or so he attempted to convince himself.
"Sai... You know a Hikaru Shindou, right?"
"Hmm? Hikaru... well, you know how things always strike me as familiar..." Touya Kouyo frowned in thought. He often appeared stiff and stern - an impression only strengthened by the ramrod-straight way in which he sat on the couch. Sai, in contrast, allowed his willowy body to rest comfortably beside the older man. Eventually, Kouyo's face softened from whatever exercise of thought he had been conducting.
"In any case, I'm grateful for your company. I didn't realize how lonely this house could become. My wife always wanted to redecorate - she said this place began to feel like a museum after a while." Sai had already met Touya Kouyo's wife when she came to pick up Akira for the weekend - although Akira probably spent more time with his father due to school and tournaments. "Akira also appreciates your help... he means well, but he's a distant boy."
Distant was a mild way of putting it - Sai had not seen Touya Akira smile once in the weeks he had spent in their home. He often seemed distracted, and made mistakes that a player like Sai easily recognized as the errors of a troubled mind. And yet what help could Sai possibly be - a man who could barely remember his own name? The last thing he wanted was to appear discontent.
But in truth, he was happy. Almost from the first instant he had met Touya Kouyo, he had sensed a certain power in the older man. Although he played with ruthless strategy in Go, he was a surprisingly warm father to his ever-cool son. Even though Touya Kouyo presented him with yet another set of conflicting emotions and half-remembered echoes of the past, Sai felt himself drawn closer.
"Is something wrong?" Sai shook his head, trying awkwardly to clear his thoughts.
"No, nothing... just thinking." A few more moments were spent in silence until Sai dared to venture a question. It was not a fear of Kouyo's stony expression - that he knew to be a false cover for a kind person. Instead, he feared himself - in not being able to contain the warring feelings within himself. "Kouyo... isn't it a little bit strange..." He trailed off.
"What's strange?"
"I am. I don't remember anything, though I'm trying so hard to. You've told me that we've met before - it was over a computer, yes, but I feel like I should remember! Kouyo, I want to remember!" Sai's usually soft voice rose in intensity until it was almost frantic. He instantly pulled back, suddenly realizing how close he had become to Kouyo, and how acutely he felt that distance.
"Does it really matter who you were?" asked Kouyo, quietly. "There are people who would welcome the chance to start over with no memory of the things they've done wrong, or the people they've hurt."
"But... even painful memories..."
"Sai, sometimes I think that I've devoted my life to the pursuit of nothing more than a game. All around me, people live normal lives. There were times when my wife and son passed before my eyes as if nothing more than a dream, or ghosts. I've never been much of a father, or a lover. Now that I'm retired... I have time to sit alone with my memories."
"Would you give them all up, though? Wouldn't you want to remember Akira, and..." Sai earnestly met Kouyo's eyes. "Aren't there people that make you complete? Living like this is no better than living like a ghost. It's a half-life."
"Sai..." Touya Kouyo's body lost its usual stiffness as he leaned back into the couch. "I'd want to remember you."
It was a gnawing, terrible emptiness. Not only the place where memories of Kouyo should be, but memories of someone else as well... the silence of vacuum was deafening. Sai couldn't hold on much longer. Lowering his head, he reached out one slim hand for Kouyo's. That hand seemed so warm on a brisk late summer morning, probably from holding a teacup. Out of their own will, his fingers seemed to entwine with Kouyo's. Or maybe it was Kouyo who was moving; Sai had veiled the outside world away from himself with a curtain of black hair.
And then, another set of warm fingertips settled on his face. It was then that Sai realised he was crying, when a cool wet feeling was smeared across his cheek. He wanted to hide his face, but Kouyo's hand gently forced him to look up.
"Sai... please." It was so hard to breath - a warm feeling had overtaken the emptiness, but even that was painful. He felt as if he might burst. Kouyo's hand on his face... unconsciously he leaned into that touch even as the hand slipped lower, eventually caressing his neck before finally breaking contact. Sai, though, still craved more.
It didn't take much, really, to let his body simply fall lightly against Kouyo's. Unintelligible words slipped from his mouth in another language - some part of his mind identified it as Chinese, but even Sai couldn't fathom the meaning of his own words. Perhaps they didn't even matter. He was crying as if his body was merely filled with salt water.
Kouyo's first kiss reminded Sai of the way moths flocked to a paper lantern on summer nights. It was so soft that it could have been missed. Disjointed images entered Sai's mind - a maple leaf following a stream current, and chrysanthemums eerily touched by an early frost. A soft song played on a flute that seemed to conjure the wind to whip through tall grass. As his mind clawed for these fragments of memory, his lips met Kouyo's again with the same feverent desperation.
Finally, though, there were only two people wrapped so tightly in each other's arms that they might have been inseparable.
"I want to remember you."
Useful Japanese Section!:
Yokobue - Chapter 37 of "Genji", meaning "flute." Sai seems to have been a flute player... Hakama - the pants/skirt things that Touya Kouyo always wears. That style of hakama is traditional men's clothing, also worn by a lot of martial artists. Chinese language - Sai would have spoken Chinese in addition to Japanese... during the Heian period, the official court language used by men was Chinese, and Japanese was considered women's language. So, most of the beautiful early Japanese literature and poetry were written by women.