I'm sorry, Hikaru... ^^;;;;;; One of these days I will be sued for
putting these poor characters (used without permission, hehe) through
mental anguish...
Chapter Fifteen - Yuugao - A Face in the Darkness
It had come to the point where he could not run anymore. Hikaru slumped against the bars of the children's climbing frame, breathing heavily. It had to be some kind of playground, perhaps part of a school or public park. He didn't know where he was at all - a combination of darkness and tears clouded his vision so he could only make out the hazy glimmer of the moon opposite the last rays of the sunset. It didn't really matter where he was, though... it wasn't far enough. Stumbling, he tried to coerce his tired legs into running, but he only made it as far as the swing set before practically crumpling into a child's swing.
He had been so stupid. Of course Sai had merely disappeared - that was what happened when a ghost fulfilled his mission, right? Although that idea didn't quite seem to fit, Hikaru had accepted it in the past few months, almost allowing himself to be happy that Sai had found peace. But then... there could be no mistaking someone else for Sai. Seeing him at Akira's house, looking as if he barely recognized Hikaru...
Did Hikaru mean so little that he could simply be forgotten? Of course Sai must have resented him all along... Torajiro had been a much better host. At least Torajiro had allowed Sai to play Go whenever he wished, instead of being selfish and petty. And yet... in two years, Hikaru had thought them to be friends. It wasn't as if he had chosen to have a ghost fused into his mind, but in that short time he had become unable to imagine any other sort of life.
Before, he had been nothing more than a rude elementary school kid who had but one real friend, Akari... and since she was a girl, he wanted nothing to do with her. Sports were okay, but once he left the field, there was nothing between him and his teammates. Hikaru hadn't even realised his own loneliness until he had lost it - when a very possibly psychotic dead guy had set up house in his brain, begging to play an old fart's game until Hikaru wanted to...
Until Hikaru wanted to play. Then it became Hikaru's game, the first thing he had really cared about in twelve years of being a mediocre student and apathetic friend. At some point, Sai's 1000-year-old passion had taken root in him, and grown.
But... how...? Hikaru gripped the chain of the swing set, almost able to breathe normally although he was becoming aware of the sharp pain in his side. Hikaru knew he had been a terrible host for Sai... and yet the rational part of his mind was unable to convince his heart that it was anything less than a betrayal. And what was more... Akira was the one Sai had chosen. His greatest rival... and the person that he felt so strongly for. Furious, Hikaru wiped at the tears that rolled down his cheeks. Abandoned by the people he cared most for in the world... his feelings had already gone past anger and sadness to a sort of empty, hopeless emotion.
"HIKARU!" came a ragged shout. Hikaru looked up, his eyes much clearer. Akira's slim figure resolved against the darkness, his face looking even paler in the early moonlight.
The things Hikaru wanted to say to Akira twisted and jumbled in his mind until he could only manage a choked "Why?"
"Hikaru, I..." Akira's steps were uneven as he drew closer to Hikaru, his feet catching awkwardly on the playground sand. Of course Akira had probably never run so far before. Hikaru could see him gasping as he finally leaned against the swing set frame. "I'm sorry. I..."
"I thought we were friends, or maybe..." Hikaru cursed his own quavering voice. Why couldn't he hate Akira?
"You're not... my rival... Hikaru..." managed Akira, his face half- veiled by clumps of disheveled black hair.
"What?! I'm not good enough to be your rival?!"
"That's... not it..."
"Then what?!" Hikaru stood up, letting the swing shake behind him. He had grown over the summer to the point where he could almost look Akira directly in the eye. "Why are you chasing me, if it's not to fight?" And why, thought Hikaru, did I ever chase you?
"I don't want to fight you!" cried Akira. "I don't want to be your rival anymore!" A few harsh breaths later, he was able to continue. "I only thought of you, Hikaru... always right behind me, and growing closer. No one... has ever been so close to me." Hikaru tasted salt water on his lips, and yet he was not aware of his own tears. At least Akira, with his head lowered and his gaze fixed on the ground, could not see the conflict between the tears and Hikaru's burning eyes, harder than emerald.
"I was afraid of you!" Akira suddenly looked up and met Hikaru's glare. There was fear there... and something else. "From the very first time we played... it was you..."
"THAT WASN'T ME!"
"It was you! When I saw you play for Haze Junior High, I didn't believe it... but once I saw the games you played as a pro... I knew that you, the one who crushed me two years ago in our first game, were close enough to touch me!" Even now, in a dark playground somewhere in Tokyo, they were close enough that a touch was only centimeters away. Akira, holding onto the A-frame of the swings as if everything else threatened to melt away into the darkness; Hikaru, motionless even as everything inside him crumbled to dust.
"I... when I found Sai, I thought only of you, and how weak I must be. I wanted him to excise that weakness from me... but it's still there, Hikaru! I can't fight you! Please... forgive me!" Akira's cool, clammy hand touched Hikaru's cheek hesitantly.
That was more that Hikaru could stand - the touch he had dreamed of, but twisted and horrible coming from the person he loved. His body and mind were no longer connected - were those his hands that shoved Akira into the sand? Akira made no attempt to fight back, or even to stand up.
"You can't fight me?" asked Hikaru, his voice cracking into a soft, pained scream. "You are weak! I'm a pro now, too - if you can't fight me in Go, then you can lose!" To think that Hikaru had been so happy last week when he received the mail notice stating that Touya Akira was his opponent in the first match of an upcoming professional series. Now... even that soured in his mind. Abandoned by those he loved, Hikaru had no choice but to fight his way to the top. a person like Akira could never understand what it was like to be an outsider. Akira could never understand anything.
"Look forward to it," he whispered coldly, stalking away. Soon his steps quickened until he was running, running far away until the tears could run freely down his cheeks, and Akira's shaking body was nothing more than a memory.
Useful Japanese Section!:
Yuugao - Chapter 4 in "Genji", translated in my edition as "The Twilight Beauty." It's made up of the characters for "evening" and "face", so I translated it differently. The same characters are also used to write the plant "moonflower." Moonflower is known for huge, pale blossoms that open at night, but it is also known as datura, a potent poison and hallucinogen. ^^;;; Datura is my favorite flower... and if you know why, then you get a cookie for reading modern Japanese literature. ^^;;;
Chapter Fifteen - Yuugao - A Face in the Darkness
It had come to the point where he could not run anymore. Hikaru slumped against the bars of the children's climbing frame, breathing heavily. It had to be some kind of playground, perhaps part of a school or public park. He didn't know where he was at all - a combination of darkness and tears clouded his vision so he could only make out the hazy glimmer of the moon opposite the last rays of the sunset. It didn't really matter where he was, though... it wasn't far enough. Stumbling, he tried to coerce his tired legs into running, but he only made it as far as the swing set before practically crumpling into a child's swing.
He had been so stupid. Of course Sai had merely disappeared - that was what happened when a ghost fulfilled his mission, right? Although that idea didn't quite seem to fit, Hikaru had accepted it in the past few months, almost allowing himself to be happy that Sai had found peace. But then... there could be no mistaking someone else for Sai. Seeing him at Akira's house, looking as if he barely recognized Hikaru...
Did Hikaru mean so little that he could simply be forgotten? Of course Sai must have resented him all along... Torajiro had been a much better host. At least Torajiro had allowed Sai to play Go whenever he wished, instead of being selfish and petty. And yet... in two years, Hikaru had thought them to be friends. It wasn't as if he had chosen to have a ghost fused into his mind, but in that short time he had become unable to imagine any other sort of life.
Before, he had been nothing more than a rude elementary school kid who had but one real friend, Akari... and since she was a girl, he wanted nothing to do with her. Sports were okay, but once he left the field, there was nothing between him and his teammates. Hikaru hadn't even realised his own loneliness until he had lost it - when a very possibly psychotic dead guy had set up house in his brain, begging to play an old fart's game until Hikaru wanted to...
Until Hikaru wanted to play. Then it became Hikaru's game, the first thing he had really cared about in twelve years of being a mediocre student and apathetic friend. At some point, Sai's 1000-year-old passion had taken root in him, and grown.
But... how...? Hikaru gripped the chain of the swing set, almost able to breathe normally although he was becoming aware of the sharp pain in his side. Hikaru knew he had been a terrible host for Sai... and yet the rational part of his mind was unable to convince his heart that it was anything less than a betrayal. And what was more... Akira was the one Sai had chosen. His greatest rival... and the person that he felt so strongly for. Furious, Hikaru wiped at the tears that rolled down his cheeks. Abandoned by the people he cared most for in the world... his feelings had already gone past anger and sadness to a sort of empty, hopeless emotion.
"HIKARU!" came a ragged shout. Hikaru looked up, his eyes much clearer. Akira's slim figure resolved against the darkness, his face looking even paler in the early moonlight.
The things Hikaru wanted to say to Akira twisted and jumbled in his mind until he could only manage a choked "Why?"
"Hikaru, I..." Akira's steps were uneven as he drew closer to Hikaru, his feet catching awkwardly on the playground sand. Of course Akira had probably never run so far before. Hikaru could see him gasping as he finally leaned against the swing set frame. "I'm sorry. I..."
"I thought we were friends, or maybe..." Hikaru cursed his own quavering voice. Why couldn't he hate Akira?
"You're not... my rival... Hikaru..." managed Akira, his face half- veiled by clumps of disheveled black hair.
"What?! I'm not good enough to be your rival?!"
"That's... not it..."
"Then what?!" Hikaru stood up, letting the swing shake behind him. He had grown over the summer to the point where he could almost look Akira directly in the eye. "Why are you chasing me, if it's not to fight?" And why, thought Hikaru, did I ever chase you?
"I don't want to fight you!" cried Akira. "I don't want to be your rival anymore!" A few harsh breaths later, he was able to continue. "I only thought of you, Hikaru... always right behind me, and growing closer. No one... has ever been so close to me." Hikaru tasted salt water on his lips, and yet he was not aware of his own tears. At least Akira, with his head lowered and his gaze fixed on the ground, could not see the conflict between the tears and Hikaru's burning eyes, harder than emerald.
"I was afraid of you!" Akira suddenly looked up and met Hikaru's glare. There was fear there... and something else. "From the very first time we played... it was you..."
"THAT WASN'T ME!"
"It was you! When I saw you play for Haze Junior High, I didn't believe it... but once I saw the games you played as a pro... I knew that you, the one who crushed me two years ago in our first game, were close enough to touch me!" Even now, in a dark playground somewhere in Tokyo, they were close enough that a touch was only centimeters away. Akira, holding onto the A-frame of the swings as if everything else threatened to melt away into the darkness; Hikaru, motionless even as everything inside him crumbled to dust.
"I... when I found Sai, I thought only of you, and how weak I must be. I wanted him to excise that weakness from me... but it's still there, Hikaru! I can't fight you! Please... forgive me!" Akira's cool, clammy hand touched Hikaru's cheek hesitantly.
That was more that Hikaru could stand - the touch he had dreamed of, but twisted and horrible coming from the person he loved. His body and mind were no longer connected - were those his hands that shoved Akira into the sand? Akira made no attempt to fight back, or even to stand up.
"You can't fight me?" asked Hikaru, his voice cracking into a soft, pained scream. "You are weak! I'm a pro now, too - if you can't fight me in Go, then you can lose!" To think that Hikaru had been so happy last week when he received the mail notice stating that Touya Akira was his opponent in the first match of an upcoming professional series. Now... even that soured in his mind. Abandoned by those he loved, Hikaru had no choice but to fight his way to the top. a person like Akira could never understand what it was like to be an outsider. Akira could never understand anything.
"Look forward to it," he whispered coldly, stalking away. Soon his steps quickened until he was running, running far away until the tears could run freely down his cheeks, and Akira's shaking body was nothing more than a memory.
Useful Japanese Section!:
Yuugao - Chapter 4 in "Genji", translated in my edition as "The Twilight Beauty." It's made up of the characters for "evening" and "face", so I translated it differently. The same characters are also used to write the plant "moonflower." Moonflower is known for huge, pale blossoms that open at night, but it is also known as datura, a potent poison and hallucinogen. ^^;;; Datura is my favorite flower... and if you know why, then you get a cookie for reading modern Japanese literature. ^^;;;