DISCLAIMER: I don't own the wickedly awesome Mr. Grinch song, or any major work of literature that Achilles may have appeared in, particularly the Iliad. Oh, and I sampled the "pointy stick" thing from Fiery Ferret of Doom's fic, That Trojan War Thing, which is immensely entertaining. (Is it okay to cite other fics if I give credit? If not, tell me!)
I got the idea from a friend who said that, in one scene of Troy, Achilles looked like the Grinch. The contents of this are based solely on my perceptions of Achilles after reading the Iliad. He's a dork in the book, and I don't like him. (Maybe 'cause I like Hector..ah well) Anyhoo, this is just randomly for my own amusement. This is the BOOK Achilles, not the sugarcoated one in the movie, so apologies and caution in advance to anyone who fell madly in love with him after seeing Troy.
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You're a mean one, dear Achilles
You really aren't genteel
You shall never be the hero
Though you may have sex appeal
Dear Achilles
You're a pseudo-villain with a faulty left heel.
You're a bastard, dear Achilles
You're a chauvinistic prick
You're a selfish womanizer
Your machismo's spread too thick
Dear Achilles
I wouldn't touch you with a 45-foot pointy stick.
You're a mad one, dear Achilles
You've got issues out the ear
You have all the mental firmness
Of a drunken buccaneer
Dear Achilles
Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the drunken buccaneer.
You're a vile one, dear Achilles
You're inarguably foul
When you're hit with disappointment
You just pout and rage and howl
Dear Achilles
Three words that come to mind when I think of you are, and I quote: "Skirt. Skank. Scowl."
You're a pansy, dear Achilles
Got your apron strings too tight
You're a pre-Hellenic diva
And a former transvestite
Dear Achilles
Your relationship with your so-called "friend" is ambiguous at best and filled with the most obvious assortment of homoerotic references imaginable—unrevealed, but concealed in plain sight.
You infuriate me, dear Achilles
With a furious, flaming force
You're a homicidal psych case
And you drive a talking horse
Dear Achilles
You're an armor-wearing jerk and the original angstboy, and are inherently dislikable as a matter of course.
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Just to clarify, the horse thing is from a part in the Iliad where the gods make Achilles' horses start talking to him . For some reason, he doesn't find this odd, and reprimands them for prophesying his death.