Whew, finals are over but my brain is fried... While writing this, my CD
player somehow looped the same song for two hours... and I didn't even
notice. (Oh well, Plastic Tree's "Nukegara" sort of fits this story.) But
now it's winter break, and I have time to write a little! So, here's a
fluffy/angsty chapter with an actual female character in it. ^^;;
Chapter Eighteen - Yomogiu - Wasteland
Akira gently placed the telephone back in its handset, its dull plasticky rattle seeming too loud in the quiet kitchen. Was every word that spilled from his lips a betrayal? It didn't even feel like his voice - somehow, over the past two years, he had changed. Go was the only thing he could trust - and yet with Go came Hikaru, and the wash of contradictory feelings that undermined everything he knew.
Shoulders hunched, he began to clear the remains of his cousins' breakfast. Since it was a Saturday, they still had school - Akira was so accustomed to skipping the half day of weekend class to go to a tournament that it hadn't even occurred to him to go to school. Sighing, he poured a bowl of cereal pieces grotesquely distorted by milk into the trash can. His aunt and uncle left early for work, as did his mother, so he was alone. After the unofficial separation, Akira's mother had moved back in with her family. It wasn't really that far from his father's house, and his cousins weren't much younger, but Akira couldn't feel at home there. The refrigerator was decorated with childish drawings and A+ kanji tests bearing only his cousins' names. Akira was only that strange, silent boy who passed through on weekends and holidays, or whenever his mother had custody.
There was nothing to prove that he existed, except for a Go tournament schedule and a few magazine clippings pinned to the bulletin board. Remove those, and Touya Akira could easily have faded into the chill morning air.
He had wanted to disappear into the rough playground sand as he watched Hikaru walk away that night. Instead, only his tears had been able to melt into the earth. Ignoring the pain in his side from having run too far, and the greater pain in his heart, he had made his way home. That night... perhaps he hadn't slept at all. Everything had been like a waking dream: dulled vision, emotion hypersensitive. Even so, he had noticed the subtle way in which Sai seemed to linger near his father, who normally refused any fuss over his health. Even more apparent was the peculiar, questioning look in his father's eyes when they rested on Sai's delicate profile for longer than was truly necessary. Sai had been unusually quiet that night, rubbing his temples as if in pain; but Akira's father simply gazed at him as if something both terrible and wonderful was concealed in that face.
He hadn't been able to go back. It was his mother's week, anyway, something that came as a relief for once. He hadn't even spoken to his father since then... always picking up the phone to listen for that familiar voice, then laying it on the countertop until the soft yet insistent beep of an empty dial tone was all he could hear.
The dishes were done, and Akira's feeling of uselessness returned even stronger than before. Loneliness had never gone. For the past two years, before he had even realised his true feelings for Hikaru, the other boy's shadow had been ever at his back. Since that first crushing defeat, he had imagined Hikaru to be so close that he might touch Akira, so close that Akira could almost feel the warmth of his breath. It had been frightening... frightening because no one had ever been so close to him. And yet he longed for closeness in a world that suddenly seemed cold.
He had become so engrossed in staring out the kitchen window that he didn't hear the soft footsteps approaching. When he heard his name spoken, it was a voice coming from far away.
"Akira?" Finally, his own name registered in his mind and he whirled around to face the speaker.
"M...Mother." She was wearing a simple day dress, and her hair was very plain.
"It's Saturday... don't you have a game? If you forgot your commuter pass, I can drive you there - I'm off work today. Just because your silly mother doesn't know the game very well doesn't mean that she doesn't like to watch you play..."
"It's okay." She looked momentarily hurt. The expression crossed her face for only a second, but it reminded Akira of something else. Hikaru's face had looked the same way, when he finally realised Akira's betrayal. That night in the moonlight... under Hikaru's fierce hatred had been only pain.
"Oh... well, I certainly wouldn't want to distract you!" His mother laughed - Akira wondered if there was something else under her smiles, too. Something that he had caused... "Oh, and I spoke to your father last night..." She frowned slightly. "Did you have an argument? I shouldn't ask now, though. You have a game to get to."
"No... I..." Akira tried to will the tears from his eyes, but they refused his pleas. "I... I did something terrible." He leaned back against the refrigerator, knocking a few school papers from their magnets so they scattered over the floor like falling leaves. Neither of them moved to collect them. A palpable silence filled the air, stifling Akira's voice. It took him a moment to speak. "I... I'm not going to play Go today, and maybe not ever, but that's not... that's not even important."
"Akira..." His mother's eyes were full of concern. "Akira, what happened? No matter what a person does, as long as they have a good heart, it can be made right..."
"I'm too selfish; I don't even know what to say to him!" exclaimed Akira.
"Who is he?" Akira's head was low; he didn't want to meet her eyes. He could tell by her silence that she already knew. "His name is Hikaru, right?" she asked carefully.
"You wouldn't know him."
"Do you think that I don't know anything?" Her face was stern as Akira looked back up at her. "I don't know anything about Go... but I do know my son. Your father says that you are changing, Akira - I don't believe it. That makes it sound as if you're not my child anymore. You've always been serious and shy, but kind as well! I don't believe that you would have hurt this boy if you had realised any of this would happen. And don't let me see you cry, I'll be embarrassed." She handed him a kitchen towel to dry his tears, smiling.
"It's useless, anyway. He hates me, now."
"Shindou Hikaru... yes, that boy." At Akira's startled expression, she laughed softly. "One of your teachers - the one who runs the Go club - mentioned that you joined only to fight one boy from Haze Junior High. I didn't make much of it until I saw the boy's name in one of your Go magazines. He's been chasing you, Akira."
"We are... were... rivals."
"Akira..." she began, still with the hint of a smile at her mouth, "I know that you've chosen a difficult path in life, but Hikaru has done the same so that he might be closer to you. That's not something one does out of hatred. And I'm certain that your feelings are something quite different."
"What... I don't..." Akira didn't know what to say. It wasn't as if he could say to his mother: "I love him." He hadn't been able to speak those words to anyone. Just the thought of them echoing in his head was exciting and frightening. And yet... it seemed like his mother already knew.
"Let me tell you a story," she said, plucking her car keys from the hook on the wall. "When I was fifteen, just a little older than you are, I met a boy; a senpai. He was always so intense and serious - just like you - that I couldn't help but wonder what he might look like if he smiled. I used to tease him all the time." Following her out the door, Akira knew exactly where she planned to take him... and yet, the idea of seeing Hikaru was overpowering.
"Some people know right away that they've fallen in love, and it's all beautiful and perfect like a movie. But it took me a long time to realize that when I teased him, I was actually trying to confess that I was in love." By now, they had reached his mother's small car. However, the story didn't feel finished yet.
"What happened?"
"Well... we got married."
"Father." She nodded.
"Things don't always work out the way you might have liked, but... I can honestly say that I am happy, now. It's not the life I thought I would have, but I have a wonderful son who always makes me proud. No matter what happens with Hikaru... if there are people who are important to you, you'll be happy."
"I want to play," mumbled Akira. "I want to see Hikaru again."
Useful Japanese Section!
Yomogiu - chapter 15 of "Genji", translated in my edition as "A Waste of Weeds." senpai (or sempai) - an older, more experienced friend.
Chapter Eighteen - Yomogiu - Wasteland
Akira gently placed the telephone back in its handset, its dull plasticky rattle seeming too loud in the quiet kitchen. Was every word that spilled from his lips a betrayal? It didn't even feel like his voice - somehow, over the past two years, he had changed. Go was the only thing he could trust - and yet with Go came Hikaru, and the wash of contradictory feelings that undermined everything he knew.
Shoulders hunched, he began to clear the remains of his cousins' breakfast. Since it was a Saturday, they still had school - Akira was so accustomed to skipping the half day of weekend class to go to a tournament that it hadn't even occurred to him to go to school. Sighing, he poured a bowl of cereal pieces grotesquely distorted by milk into the trash can. His aunt and uncle left early for work, as did his mother, so he was alone. After the unofficial separation, Akira's mother had moved back in with her family. It wasn't really that far from his father's house, and his cousins weren't much younger, but Akira couldn't feel at home there. The refrigerator was decorated with childish drawings and A+ kanji tests bearing only his cousins' names. Akira was only that strange, silent boy who passed through on weekends and holidays, or whenever his mother had custody.
There was nothing to prove that he existed, except for a Go tournament schedule and a few magazine clippings pinned to the bulletin board. Remove those, and Touya Akira could easily have faded into the chill morning air.
He had wanted to disappear into the rough playground sand as he watched Hikaru walk away that night. Instead, only his tears had been able to melt into the earth. Ignoring the pain in his side from having run too far, and the greater pain in his heart, he had made his way home. That night... perhaps he hadn't slept at all. Everything had been like a waking dream: dulled vision, emotion hypersensitive. Even so, he had noticed the subtle way in which Sai seemed to linger near his father, who normally refused any fuss over his health. Even more apparent was the peculiar, questioning look in his father's eyes when they rested on Sai's delicate profile for longer than was truly necessary. Sai had been unusually quiet that night, rubbing his temples as if in pain; but Akira's father simply gazed at him as if something both terrible and wonderful was concealed in that face.
He hadn't been able to go back. It was his mother's week, anyway, something that came as a relief for once. He hadn't even spoken to his father since then... always picking up the phone to listen for that familiar voice, then laying it on the countertop until the soft yet insistent beep of an empty dial tone was all he could hear.
The dishes were done, and Akira's feeling of uselessness returned even stronger than before. Loneliness had never gone. For the past two years, before he had even realised his true feelings for Hikaru, the other boy's shadow had been ever at his back. Since that first crushing defeat, he had imagined Hikaru to be so close that he might touch Akira, so close that Akira could almost feel the warmth of his breath. It had been frightening... frightening because no one had ever been so close to him. And yet he longed for closeness in a world that suddenly seemed cold.
He had become so engrossed in staring out the kitchen window that he didn't hear the soft footsteps approaching. When he heard his name spoken, it was a voice coming from far away.
"Akira?" Finally, his own name registered in his mind and he whirled around to face the speaker.
"M...Mother." She was wearing a simple day dress, and her hair was very plain.
"It's Saturday... don't you have a game? If you forgot your commuter pass, I can drive you there - I'm off work today. Just because your silly mother doesn't know the game very well doesn't mean that she doesn't like to watch you play..."
"It's okay." She looked momentarily hurt. The expression crossed her face for only a second, but it reminded Akira of something else. Hikaru's face had looked the same way, when he finally realised Akira's betrayal. That night in the moonlight... under Hikaru's fierce hatred had been only pain.
"Oh... well, I certainly wouldn't want to distract you!" His mother laughed - Akira wondered if there was something else under her smiles, too. Something that he had caused... "Oh, and I spoke to your father last night..." She frowned slightly. "Did you have an argument? I shouldn't ask now, though. You have a game to get to."
"No... I..." Akira tried to will the tears from his eyes, but they refused his pleas. "I... I did something terrible." He leaned back against the refrigerator, knocking a few school papers from their magnets so they scattered over the floor like falling leaves. Neither of them moved to collect them. A palpable silence filled the air, stifling Akira's voice. It took him a moment to speak. "I... I'm not going to play Go today, and maybe not ever, but that's not... that's not even important."
"Akira..." His mother's eyes were full of concern. "Akira, what happened? No matter what a person does, as long as they have a good heart, it can be made right..."
"I'm too selfish; I don't even know what to say to him!" exclaimed Akira.
"Who is he?" Akira's head was low; he didn't want to meet her eyes. He could tell by her silence that she already knew. "His name is Hikaru, right?" she asked carefully.
"You wouldn't know him."
"Do you think that I don't know anything?" Her face was stern as Akira looked back up at her. "I don't know anything about Go... but I do know my son. Your father says that you are changing, Akira - I don't believe it. That makes it sound as if you're not my child anymore. You've always been serious and shy, but kind as well! I don't believe that you would have hurt this boy if you had realised any of this would happen. And don't let me see you cry, I'll be embarrassed." She handed him a kitchen towel to dry his tears, smiling.
"It's useless, anyway. He hates me, now."
"Shindou Hikaru... yes, that boy." At Akira's startled expression, she laughed softly. "One of your teachers - the one who runs the Go club - mentioned that you joined only to fight one boy from Haze Junior High. I didn't make much of it until I saw the boy's name in one of your Go magazines. He's been chasing you, Akira."
"We are... were... rivals."
"Akira..." she began, still with the hint of a smile at her mouth, "I know that you've chosen a difficult path in life, but Hikaru has done the same so that he might be closer to you. That's not something one does out of hatred. And I'm certain that your feelings are something quite different."
"What... I don't..." Akira didn't know what to say. It wasn't as if he could say to his mother: "I love him." He hadn't been able to speak those words to anyone. Just the thought of them echoing in his head was exciting and frightening. And yet... it seemed like his mother already knew.
"Let me tell you a story," she said, plucking her car keys from the hook on the wall. "When I was fifteen, just a little older than you are, I met a boy; a senpai. He was always so intense and serious - just like you - that I couldn't help but wonder what he might look like if he smiled. I used to tease him all the time." Following her out the door, Akira knew exactly where she planned to take him... and yet, the idea of seeing Hikaru was overpowering.
"Some people know right away that they've fallen in love, and it's all beautiful and perfect like a movie. But it took me a long time to realize that when I teased him, I was actually trying to confess that I was in love." By now, they had reached his mother's small car. However, the story didn't feel finished yet.
"What happened?"
"Well... we got married."
"Father." She nodded.
"Things don't always work out the way you might have liked, but... I can honestly say that I am happy, now. It's not the life I thought I would have, but I have a wonderful son who always makes me proud. No matter what happens with Hikaru... if there are people who are important to you, you'll be happy."
"I want to play," mumbled Akira. "I want to see Hikaru again."
Useful Japanese Section!
Yomogiu - chapter 15 of "Genji", translated in my edition as "A Waste of Weeds." senpai (or sempai) - an older, more experienced friend.