November 29, 1977

...

I woke before opening my eyes. The sun had filtered through enough that the blank darkness had fled to give way to the dark crimson of my eyelids. The ceiling I saw was familiar to me - perhaps too much. I tasted a bitter potion on my lips, and felt clean sheets beneath me.

It was another one of those days. Company only made me feel more alone inside myself. I got few visitors, as word wasn't supposed to get out that I'd been in the hospital wing this whole time. James or Sirius would come once or twice - dragging Peter along, of course.

I could still remember the day I told them what I was. They more likely had to pry it from my throat, but it came out either way. Things changed after that. There were fewer questions, but far less answers. I still find myself a little anxious... you never know what they're thinking when they have to attack me every now and then to keep me in line.

I was too violent last night. I could tell because the doors hadn't opened since I'd woken up. It was rare that the Marauders missed a visit, but it was always a sign that I was missing something. I must have missed that slip - I can't remember killing anyone. Who says I hadn't? It might explain the silence.

I shut my eyes tightly in hopes of drowning this fresh wave of pain as I gingerly let my muscles relax. Taunting questions of self worth and doubt continued their endless circles - chasing tails, exploiting faults, picking apart any rational trains of thought to reveal emptiness inside them.

Deeper in me, I let the potion's sting dull, allowing the subtle taste of blood emerge. I knew now I'd done something wrong.

"Remus," a soft voice beckoned, parting my bitter thoughts into scattered nonsense.

"No," I muttered thoughtlessly.

The voiced laughed - high and rich. I choked on my breath in shock of the familiarity. All notions of dread and hatred left in one swift motion, and my eyes fluttered open.

Eyes of summer grass were singing silently to mine. Lily smiled.

"Hullo," I croaked - one syllable.

"How are you?" I couldn't help but marvel at how eloquently beautiful her voice could sound when looking at my scarred face - without a flinch or slight waver. I wondered momentarily what she'd said to me, but I ventured a guess.

"Fine."

She sighed, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "You look - "

"I look like hell, I know." I hadn't meant to sound so dry.

"I only meant to say you look tired - " she began defensively, in a sharp voice reminiscent of the one she used constantly with James. Softening, she frowned. "Well, I didn't see James or Sirius leave the common room once this morning, so I wondered if they'd visited you at all."

"They haven't."

"Oh," was all she managed to say. I watched her until she dropped her gaze.

I hated lying to her. She knew enough about me, didn't she? I was merely omitting details. She didn't need to know about what the others did while I was gone... But Godric, how I hated lying to her.

"I also..." She faltered, sighing.

"What?" I prompted.

"I couldn't stand staying there. I needed someone to talk to - away from James."

I smiled sadly, biting back the irony. "Him again, eh?"

She grimaced gently. "You must know what I'm talking about." Bitter laugh. "I mean, you probably know him better than I do."

I pulled my body forward, struggling to keep my face blank in order to hide the excruciating pain it took to sit up. Then again, it seemed to hurt more meeting her eyes. What to say about James... He was my friend - a true friend, without a doubt. But how could I speak so lightly of him when it took so much effort to keep from hating the idiot?

How truly arrogant he must be to push her away - so perfect in every way. Could he not see how lucky he was? Could he not see how stupid he was? Could he not see how much I tired of hearing the same story over and over?

Damn those green eyes - she wants an answer from me.

What to say? What to do? Is she really worth betrayal... do I even have the nerve?

"James," I finally said. "He's like a child."

"My condolences," she muttered with a grin.

"No, no, no..." I bit my tongue and forced a smile. "He's like a child in every way. Not just in that he's destructive, annoying -"

"Irrational, whining -"

I smiled. "Stupid, arrogant -"

She paused to think. "Adorably evil?"

"Sure," I said. "But beyond that - if you just let him tear everything apart, let him cause enough trouble that he wears himself out, he shuts up, and you - " I stopped, unable to finish what was sure to be my destruction.

"What?" I was dismayed to see her so attentive.

I no longer had the will to smile. "You see an inner innocence, like a child while it sleeps. You can't help but... but -"

"Love him?" Lily interposed, smiling. She was no longer smiling at me, but more to herself and her thoughts.

"Yeah..." I said, distracted by the way the sunlight played with her hair. "You can't help it."

"Thank you," she said softly. It made me sick. Her words - her gentle, golden words were churning in my stomach, threatening to kill me if I ventured to dwell on them any longer. With all the strength I could muster, I fought back the miserable pain in my eyes to see her so beautiful - looking past me. I smiled the last time.

"No problem."

She left promptly. She even ran slightly, elated by her joy. Whatever joy it was, I knew I hadn't given that to her. It came from somewhere else... some wretched self-indulgent place I found myself too loyal to corrupt.

Despite my calm complexion and impervious will to keep silent, I couldn't help but admit to myself that James Potter didn't deserve her.

...

AN: One more chapter...