Chapter Three

(Less Confusing, But Still Longer, Guaranteed, Or Your Money Back!)

Readers: But we didn't pay anything! Me: Exactly! (readers walk away because they're confused already) Hey! Wait a minute! I'll pay YOU! (readers huddle and decide to read fic after all)

YAY! Ok, now for our favorite part! (audience, web site, and possibly whole world groans)

I do not own any Artemis Fowl characters, logos, titles, characters, or any likenesses whatsoever, copyright Eoin Colfer, 200- er, something.

Lawyers: Is she sick or something? Other Lawyers: Why isn't she trying to take over AF anymore? Lawyers: SSSHHH! Do NOT jinx it! Other Lawyers: OK! (all go get more donuts)



I clamp my hand over Christina's mouth and pull my clique into California Burrito. And not a moment too soon. Artemis and the wrestler/mountain walk in and saunter up to the checkout, pushing a half dozen of taco lovers out of the way.

"Excuse me, have you seen a girl here, quite short, you see, brown hair? Pointy ears, tendency to fall off chairs?" asks Artemis while the shoppers protest loudly.

"Erm, uh, no. Why?" asks the clerk, somewhat suspiciously.

"No reason. I could have sworn – " declares Artemis, but Butler interrupts. "Ahem, Artemis, that Armani suit isn't going to buy itself, you know," he says and pulls his employer out toward the shops, leaving the dumbfounded employee with a hundred dollars.

When the coast is clear, I try to inconspicuously clamber out from behind the garbage can. Too late. The whole restaurant (or fast food place, or whatever you call it) looks at us curiously, but then, thankfully, each returns to his or her meal.

We casually walk over to a hidden table in the corner and finally give our shopping bags a rest. I order our favorite dish with my remaining money, but, sadly, it is not enough and Judy has to pitch in with her baby- sitting cash.

In the middle of chowing down our favorite appetizer sampler, Natalie tells me, "Okay, spit it out!"
I look at her strangely and have no intention of spitting out my yummy burritos. Christina sighs, "I mean, tell us, what is it with you and the new kid?"

"Do you like him or something?" asks Judy accusingly. I shake my head until my brains feel like they are falling out. "Eeeou, no!" I say defensively, and the waiter mistakenly comes over and asks what is wrong with the food.

"Good, 'cause he's mine!" declares Judy. "Oh, those dreamy blue-black eyes," she muses and stares off into space. Either that, or Baskin Robbins across the hall. We all quietly inch away from her.

"What, then?" says Christina, and then narrows her eyes in a detective's way. "You're not telling us something, are you?"

I look right and left and back and front to see if anyone is listening. Then, very silently, I announce, "I have something very important to tell you. Do you solemnly swear to not scream, cry, laugh, or d, all of the above?" Everyone nods vigorously and smiles eagerly in anticipation of a deep dark secret.

"Are you addicted to Listerine Pocket Packs, because if you are, it's no big deal, there is this great support group — " begins Judy, but I shake my head and inch away again.

"Do you still like My Life As A Teenage Robot? Is that what it is?" asks Natalie, who still believes she can read my mind. I shake my head again and shakily tell what I have kept hidden from everyone in the world, except for my pet stink worm.

Fifteen minutes later, Holly, who is hovering fifty feet above the shopping complex, feels her sonic filter sponges close as a shrill scream shatters the roof window.

Inside, the whole restaurant is startled and listens in, for this is not your average dinner conversation. And not your average teenager, I might add.

"Stop looking, move it along, nothing to see here!" I say, and each turns reluctantly back to their burrito.

"For real?" says Christina, eyes wide as a shuttle landing dock. I nod, and Natalie starts sobbing involuntarily, which is quite embarrassing.

"Oh, Ginger, we'll never be b-best f-friends forever," she says sadly. "Now, wait a minute," I say before the whole mall starts to look at us.

"I don't know how long I'll live," I sigh. "I'm part human." Judy looks at me strangely. "Don't ask." I sigh. "Come on, don't cry. I-I'll take you all to see Haven soon!" I promise.

I see Artemis coming back for another look, having paid a bundle for his suit. I pull my friends out the back door into the parking lot and we hop on the bus, me thinking Foaly is going to kill me for this.

A/N Well??

(reviewers deliberate)

(sweat drop)

Eoin Colfer: Hey, that was pretty good!

Me: Thanks — Wait, do NOT get your donut crumbs over my chapter!

(lawyers come and read)

story is topped by blanket of crumbs

(Oh, carrot sticks. Hope you can still read this!!)

:) coolcube, who is STILL spending life waiting for reviews