Identity's Past
by AlterEthereal
Syaoran returned to find his princess, but discovered she has been missing in action for years. Now, a mysterious, distant girl has arrived in the city... could his princess be right under his nose?
The only thing I'd really like to do here is give a HUGE thank you to all the reviewers. It's absolutely wonderful to hear that you guys like it, and it makes me that much more motivated and happy. So THANK YOU! ^_^
Alter-chan: *just woke up* what'd i miss?
Zuri: well, So accidentally...
Alter-chan: she what?
Zuri: well she... um...
Alter-chan: WHAT?!?!
Zuri: she hacked your computer to bits with Anaru's sword.
Alter-chan: O_O *begins running around like a basketcase* NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Zuri: *begins laughing hysterically* i was just kidding!!
Alter-chan: oh. i knew that.
Zuri: you did not.
Alter-chan: just for that, you get to do disclaimer.
Zuri: *whines* ooooh... not fair!
Alter-chan: too bad. serves you right.
Zuri: fine... DISCLAIMER: Alter-chan doesn't own CCS. but i own a sledgehammer, which i'm about to bash her over the head with.
Alter-chan: O_O
~~~~
Chapter 8: Guilt
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Syaoran's feet followed a few steps before he could stop himself. He wanted to go after her, but so what if he did? He couldn't change what had transpired. He had shown his affection for her--she had run away crying. His emotions alternated between guilt and sadness as he stared in her new direction. Most prominently, he felt guilt for causing her pain, especially as he had been hoping to rid her of it. She had seemed happy, for a few brief moments, but then it was like she had frozen over, as if realizing she were late to an important appointment. He felt sadness for the fleeting quality of the emotion that had overtaken them both as their lips met. He longed to feel her close to him always, but the pain of rejection still echoed in his mind. Had he been rejected? Another feeling was raised in him: uncertainty. If she had really been Sakura, why would she keep her identity from him? And if she were truly the Mistress of the Cards, why couldn't he sense her Star Cards? What of her staff? Perhaps it was all a coincidence. What if he loved a stranger?
He would sleep outside tonight.
~*~
Tears streamed down her still-red face as she collapsed next to the dead oak, which had lately become her best friend.
"Why?" she half-choked on a sob. "Why did he have to do that? Why?!" She pounded a shaking fist against the ground. Why did he have to kiss me? That only makes it harder!
She thrust her fist toward the cold earth again, but harder. She did it again and again, hoping that if she focused on the physical pain she caused herself, perhaps she could forget about the pain she was fighting in her mind. Her anger wasn't directed toward Syaoran, or toward herself. Not really. Her anger was, in fact, minute compared to the amount of sadness and hurt she concealed to herself with her voice. Deep inside, the problem was pinpointed and simple, yet inescapable.
She loved Syaoran--that fact hadn't been disputed once. She had loved him years ago, as their card-capturing quest came to an end, and even before that. When he was forced to go, her feelings didn't dwindle. If anything, they were amplified by his promise to wait for her.
Syaoran?
Yeah?
Will you promise me something?
What?
Wait for me. Wait for me in Hong Kong. I'll be waiting for you, too.
Sakura... that much goes without saying.
You promise?
I promise.*
He had waited. He must've felt so horrible and betrayed when he came back to find she wasn't there. But then, he kissed her. No, he kissed Artemis. Perhaps he hadn't waited. After all, she had broken her promise; she wasn't there waiting for him when he returned. She couldn't blame him if he fell in love with the girl Sakura pretended to be. He remembered her--that much was certain. He even seemed to know, for a brief few seconds, her true identity. How could she have slipped up so badly? She practically told him who she was!
"Oh! This is too confusing! Which does he think I am?" she cried out loud. "He said I--Sakura--was special to him. Then how can he love a girl when he isn't sure she's his princess?!"
Her hand was now officially covered with bruises and flecks of blood where her skin was cut by small pebbles. It didn't bother her in the least. All she wanted was for the entire ordeal to be over, for her to be able to live a normal life, one without a Sword of Damocles** hanging over her head. Perhaps she could take her own life as well...
No. She would torture herself in the afterlife as well. She just couldn't do it. She could barely even think about killing the person she loved most, let alone go through with it. She would rather go back to the caves and disappear forever than fulfill her "duty." At the moment, that option seemed quite forgiving.
"Is that how my tragic fairy tale will end?" she cried to herself.
~*~
Syaoran opened his eyes wearily, his head pounding. He had barely slept; every time he tried to let his mind drift to unconsciousness, it drifted back to the events of the day, instead. Those thoughts were about as satisfying as the cold, dewy grass he lay on.
There was a light fog on the meadow, and the still-rising sun was only vaguely visible through the cloud. He wondered how she was; whether she had gone back to the city during the night; if she had remained by the lake, where he was sure she had spent at least a part of the evening; if she had just left and run away, never to return.
He willed himself to his feet, all the while arguing with his aching neck, which had been placed awkwardly the night before while trying vainly to find a "comfortable" position. After stretching his back a bit and being greeted by several audible pops and cracks, he trudged toward the city, where he resolved to look for her first. While he was at it, he would stop by the Avalon residence and get some aspirin.
~*~
She gazed at the lake, engulfed in mist and fog. Her head hurt from crying herself to sleep the night before, as well as the rest of her body from sleeping on the cold, rocky earth.
The water. She thought absently. A bath. Who cares if it's a little cold?
And with that, she undressed and headed for the shoreline drowsily. Even if someone were around, they wouldn't be able to see her through all the fog. She'd make it quick, anyway. She did this frequently while she lived in the caves.
She uttered a gasp as she slid her foot into the cold water, but it soon turned to a sigh as the feeling of the cool liquid began to take it's soothing effect on her sore limbs. She ducked her full form beneath the surface, and for a few moments, the pain in her head seemed to vanish as it was enveloped by cold waves of water. She opened her eyes, but the water didn't sting them. It felt surprisingly refreshing.
She managed to escape her troubles for a time as she bathed and swam in the lake, turning her attention more toward physical sensations than to the dark cloud she was sure would resume it's place above her head as soon as she ascended the cool depths. Occasionally, however, her thoughts did drift to Syaoran, and how he must've felt after she left. After she had calmed her anger and sadness a bit, a horrible guilt washed over her, thinking of how rejected he had probably felt, when in reality, he didn't know just how much he meant to her, and how her world would crumble without him. Naturally, the next thought would concern her life after she breaks the news to her "supervisor" that she can't fulfill her mission. Whenever this thought reared it's disdainful head, she re-submerged herself in the placid water, in hopes of forgetting once again.
~~~~
* yes, sad to say, i made that up.
** Roman - a sense of impending doom or anxiety.
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Anaru: ok... listen up. Kaya's hiding from Zuri, who is running around with some kind of sledgehammer, So is still playing with my sword... grr... and Leif is off doing who knows what (or cares). so i'm stuck with end-of-chapter duties. so here goes. *ahem* thanx for reading and i hope you enjoyed the chapter. Be sure to review. thank you.
~AlterEthereal