In Every Darkness
Chapter Fifty Five: Consequences
19.7.1996
The battle went on, no one noticed the Death Eater standing behind Harry, keeping the boy at wand point.
For a moment, Harry considered fighting just for the sake of it, then he recognised the voice that had spoken to him: it was Snape. He smiled grimly.
"You know I won't do that, Professor, don't you?" Harry murmured, keeping his voice down, so that no one would realise that Harry knew who it was that he was talking to.
"You will if you know what's good for you," Snape hissed in his ear.
"Well, you can't take me to Voldemort," Harry's voice was cool and unafraid. "So you obviously mean for me to escape in some manner soon. It's best I do so while all of your men here know what's going on, don't they?"
"Oh, and how do you propose we do that?" Snape sneered at him. "I did this to get you out of the fight – it's too dangerous for someone as low on intelligence as you are."
"Always so complementary, Snape," Harry snarled. "Just don't let anyone see you over my head."
This wasn't a difficult order to follow, Harry being the same height as Snape since he'd been growing after beginning Hogwarts.
Snape was about to question what Harry was doing when a Death Eater yelled something. Severus recognised the voice, though at the moment he failed to put a name to it.
Suddenly Harry was twisting downwards, before he knew what was happening, a red light had struck Snape full in the face, and he dropped with a boneless grace to the ground.
Harry took out the Death Eater who'd sent the curse with a quick stunning spell, while the man was still looking amazed that he'd attacked one of his own.
The rest of the Death Eaters had noticed what had happened. They knew that there were now more people from the Order of the Phoenix than there were Death Eaters – they weren't willing to take the chance any more.
Someone grabbed Snape before they all disaparated. They left everyone else. Either it had been a new Death Eater that had taken Snape away, or Voldemort had wanted Snape to get back to wherever it was that the Dark Lord had fortified himself.
Harry was standing easily, his breathing slightly rough, his eyes flickering over the Death Eaters who remained down, making sure none of them tried to rise again.
"Harry, are you alright?" was the first question out of Dumbledore's mouth as the Hogwarts headmaster stepped towards to boy.
"I'm fine," Harry replied, willing the Headmaster to believe it.
Dumbledore hesitated, giving him a stern look for a moment, then he seemed to shrug it off. "As you like," he murmured, walked away, checking on the others.
"The Ministry will be here shortly," Dumbledore said. "To wipe the minds of the Muggles present … We will have to stay to make sure no one gets away."
Harry wandered over towards the Judge and jury. "You guys alright?" he asked lazily.
"Y-yes," whispered one of the women in the jury. "No one came this way, they were too busy with you lot."
"Good," Harry murmured. A ball of fur suddenly shot at him, and lifted Grypis easily onto his shoulder. "You alright?" he asked silently.
"Yes. But you aren't," the griffin replied with devastating calm.
"No, I'm not … I'm not injured though, so it can be dealt with later," Harry replied, not willing to discuss the burden that weighed on his mind and heart… At least not yet.
"You people are going to have to have your memories modified – non magic people aren't allowed to know about the magical world," Harry told them.
"Why not?"
"It's been the law since the Witch Burning days – we aren't allowed to let Muggles know about wizards. It causes too many problems. The Ministry thinks we are all best left alone," Harry replied shrugging.
"Oh …"
"Come on Harry, we'll get you back to Hogwarts. The court will decide later on, what the verdict is," Tatsu appeared by Harry's side.
"We are decided – Mr. Potter has won this case, fairly," the Judge said, looking up suddenly.
Harry smiled with relief, allowing himself to droop, oh so slightly. "Well, that's a relief," Tatsu remarked, smiling. "Come on Harry, you need to rest … This must have been very emotionally wearing on you."
He placed a hand on Harry's shoulder and forcefully steered the boy from the room. Harry considered trying to fight him off and stay here, but he saw the form of the Death Eater who's back he'd broken – without the mask.
The man –boy, really- had died, Harry was not sure what had killed him, a stray curse or the injury, but the weight on his mind and heart had just gotten heavier.
Tatsu steered Harry out of the door, telling one of the Order where he was going. "Go ahead mate," the Order wizard said, giving Tatsu a slight salute.
Tatsu nodded and got Harry into the car. Harry's mind, no longer in the Centre, was falling rapidly into a state of shock. "Do you want to talk about it?" Tatsu asked.
"He's dead," Harry said, voice blank.
"Ah," Tatsu murmured. "The first person you've killed? It's always hard …"
"What happened when you first killed someone?" Harry asked, coming out of his stupor slightly.
"I'm a Malfoy, Harry, or at least, I was once. We are bred to be cruel, to revel in death … We are given pets and things, and are expected to make their lives miserable before we kill them. We do not love, we find the situation that will gain the most power."
"That doesn't sound like fun," Harry remarked.
"I'm just glad I got away when I was young. The boy, my brother's brat, might have had a chance at redemption, I don't know. He might still, but I doubt it. My brother always liked pain, even more than my father did," Tatsu remarked. "But that's not what we want to talk about. It's the first time you've killed something. Tell me about it. Believe me, talking helps."
Harry still hesitated. "Talk," Grypis advised. "Tatsu is right, Gryfas, you need to talk about this, it will help lessen the pain, I think."
"I feel terrible. I know he was a Death Eater, he would have killed heaps more people if he wasn't stopped … But what if he was under the Imperious Curse or something?" Harry started.
"He wasn't," Tatsu said. "I can see it on them, sometimes, if I'm looking. That man had no curse upon him."
"But still … He could have easily had a chance at redemption. He didn't necessarily want to kill, and he was young. He wasn't that much older than I am."
"I'd put him at twenty five," Tatsu remarked. "That's old enough to make your own decisions. But as for redemption, certainly, it might have been possible. I don't know, I'd not met the man."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Harry demanded, tears suddenly overspilling from his eyes.
"A hero who cries for his enemies as well as his friends," murmured Tatsu. "That is a good thing to be able to do, Harry. At least you can know that someone cries for the loss of life."
"But it's my fault that life was lost in the first place," Harry protested.
"You still cry for his death," Tatsu said firmly.
"Tatsu, I feel horrible, I feel unclean, stained …"
"Harry, a Death Eater is someone who kills so often that what you are feeling now becomes ingrained upon their souls. They believe that killing just one more person will change things, take the feeling away … As long as you never let yourself do that, you'll be alright, in time."
"That doesn't make me stop feeling awful now," Harry grouched.
"Feeling awful is good," Tatsu insisted. "It means that you aren't going to start killing everyone and everything that goes against you. I'd be worried if you felt anything less than what you do now."
Harry just sighed.
"In some ways Tatsu is right. I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but … The man was a Death Eater Harry. While you protest that he might have mended his ways, there is equal possibility that the man loved what he did, revelled in the destruction he caused. Let yourself feel bad, and the feeling will recede, with time. You just have to get through the next few days."
"Grypis, I killed someone!"
"And you'll have to kill more. You are to destroy Voldemort, Gryfas! To do that, you will have to kill him, and you will likely have to kill his Death Eaters also," Grypis said.
"Here we are. Out you get Harry, come inside, eat something and sleep. You'll feel better for some sleep."
Harry privately thought that he wouldn't feel better ever, but he bowed to his guardian's wisdom and allowed himself to be led inside, with Grypis tailing them both. This man had actually killed his own father, without meaning to, but he'd killed him, as surely as Harry had killed the man back there, whose name he didn't know.
With Grypis perched now on his shoulder, Harry walked inside, his green eyes listless. Tatsu moved around the kitchen, feet making no sound on the reed mats that covered the floors.
A moment later Harry found himself seated at the kitchen table with a steaming mug of Japanese tea in front of him. "Drink up lad," Tatsu said, a gentle look in his eyes. "Now, listen to me while you drink. I know I may have sounded heartless in the car before, but it would be worse for you if I'd been sympathetic. You wouldn't be able to walk past this; you'd feel absolutely terrible for a longer time."
He fell silent, and Harry didn't bother trying to break it. He'd wanted Tatsu to be sympathetic, but he wasn't sure, after hearing this, if that would have been the best course.
He stood silently when he finished his tea, and headed away from the kitchen. He did not need Tatsu to point him the direction of the second bedroom, having helped decorated the house over the summer.
"Sleep," Grypis advised. "It might make you feel better, as Tatsu said."
Harry didn't think he'd be able to go to sleep, and said as much. "Lie down, I'll take care of the rest," Grypis replied
Surprised, Harry did as the griffin bade him, and settled down on the bed. Grypis, in cat form, settled crouching on Harry's chest, golden eyes staring into Harry's green ones.
Suddenly Harry felt sleepy, he yawned, feeling the inky blackness of oblivion creeping up on him. He had time for only one sleepy thought before sleep claimed him. "Grypis?"
"You needed sleep, Gryfas," the griffin replied, though he knew that human boy was fast asleep already.
"Sirius?" Harry looked around the chamber he was in. He wanted to talk to his godfather. Around him was a chamber of black stone, it felt like Harry's heart at the moment.
"Whatcha doing here mate?" his godfathers voice came from behind him. "This place don't look so pretty."
"It's what I feel like at the moment," Harry replied.
"Do tell?" Sirius invited Harry to share his troubles.
Harry hesitated, then, before he knew what was happening, he was pouring out the entire tale. Sirius listened quietly and didn't interrupt, letting Harry wind himself down to a standstill.
"It's not easy, killing people," Sirius remarked softly. "But it's harder to stand by and watch people die. What Tatsu is said is true, you just have to live through it, it'll dim in time. Don't let the feeling you experience rule you, because it'll reduce you to the Death Eaters level. You lived through my death, with difficulty, and I'll be here to help you live through this also. You can't give up, too much rests on you."
Harry sighed, sitting down and resting his chin on his knees, staring at what was now a scene of the rising sun, he figured that Sirius had changed it. "I feel so awful, Sirius. I know I hate the Death Eaters, and, till today, I wanted them all dead, even if I had to kill them by my own hand … But now? Death seems so harsh a fate, even for people as evil as the Death Eaters. Did you ever kill, Sirius?"
"Yes," Sirius replied, his voice turning melancholy. "More times than I'm proud of, though I never killed when I could help it, nor did I kill any save Death Eaters."
"Did you feel as I do now?"
"Yes. I never threw off the feeling it left me with, that first time. I can see why Death Eaters kill again and again, convincing themselves that if they kill just one person more, the feeling will leave them… But I'm sure Tatsu told you all this. Look, Harry, you'll have to kill Voldemort someday, rid the world of his evil for ever."
"But will I be able to?" Harry asked, anguished. "I never saw the Death Eaters as real people – they were horrible figures, half imagined. I see Voldemort the same, but when the times come to kill him, will I see Voldemort as the monster he has become, or the man he could have been?"
"It matters not how you see him, Harry. Voldemort must die, and by your hand. When he is dead, you need never kill again. But if you see him as the monster, you will kill him in hate, and if you see him as the man he could have been, you will kill him from pity, that that goodness could never be recognised," Sirius said, after thinking it over for a little while.
"Thank you Sirius … I think that helped," Harry said, smiling at his godfather.
"I hope it did. But you need to do some more work on Ancient Runes now, so, which one is this?"
***
Hey lookie! *points excitedly at end of chapter* no cliffie! I managed to write a chapter without a cliffie at the end! Aren't I good?? *grins* review please!!