Disclaimer that I kept forgetting about: All my favorite people belong to
Squaresoft (i.e. Sephy, Cloud, Vincent, Zack, etc.).
//"Do you love me?"
" . . .Yes."
"Hmmm, then why do you hesitate?"
"I don't know."
"You're not really sure are you, about loving me."
" . . .I'm not sure what love is really."
"It's whatever you want it to be."
"Is it? In that case I love you."
"Yeah? I love you too, so so much . . . What would you do if I died?"
"I would die too."
"What would you do if I became a monster?"
"I would become a monster hunter and trap you. Keep you all to myself."
"Oh yeah? Well what would you do if I became a cloud?"
"I would become the sky, so I would always be close to you."
"And if I became a leaf?"
"I would be the wind, and we could go all over the world together."
"See, that's love."
"It's strange."
"How so?"
"It's horrible and wonderful at the same time."//
Something about the idea of running away has always appealed to me, not because of the fact that I'd be escaping some terror or starting life anew, but because of the /thrill/ of it all. I've always been an adventure seeker, I know that was me. I love to run, to feel the wind caress my hair and coursing through my outstretched fingers. Every so often, I have a dream that if I run fast enough, I can fly. Not as though I've sprouted wings and can soar high through the air and touch clouds, but I simply rise up off the ground a few feet and glide until I touch ground again, still running. It makes the prospect of flight more realistic, and as I feel the chocobo beneath me running now, swift as any wind, I want to stretch out my arms, just to see if I might hover above the ground for a little while.
We snuck away in the middle of the night without anyone noticing. It's fantastic. Vincent had crept around gathering provisions and the idea that he might be caught was so exciting. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. It's the same exact feeling I get while standing in the wake of a mighty gale, but then I don't consider it to necessarily be standing against anything. In Nibelheim on the mountain path, if you stood in the right place at the right time, the wind would consume you completely. Cool and clean and invigorating. I would never have to try to conquer it, I would simply merge with it until I was the wind too and I would fly with it. I love the wind. Sephiroth always reminded me of the wind. Elusive and mysterious, governed by none. He looked like the wind, with his flowing silver hair and sometimes the greens in his eyes would smudge; the wind streaked those colors for Him to make Him more beautiful. He was a violent typhoon and a gentle breeze; I was a leaf given flight by that wind. I loved it. I miss it.
Now I am running, and it makes everything a little better. I know my mind has been slipping. I cannot think of Him anymore and when I do, it's as if He still exists. I told myself that I could not afford to be deluded ever again, but its not like I'm /willing/ myself to be this way, I just am. Vincent's presence makes things worse because if I close my eyes then it isn't Vincent standing before me, it's Sephiroth. I fear I'll do something to add to my list of regrets if I'm not careful. Stroke those high cheek bones or watch as my breathy whispers of love and lust make the hair near his ear flutter away as if caught in a breeze. I fear one day that my mind just might shut down completely and I wont even have to close my eyes to see Sephiroth in front of me, kissing me, making love to me. I don't want to go crazy.
Still tired though, and still weak. And everything hurts again as I'm jostled and thrown around in the narrow saddle of my chocobo. Noble birds, they are, but bumpy as hell. I have to cling to his neck to keep from falling off and my arms are starting to give out. "Vincent?" No response, I open my eyes against the blast of air running over me and squint into the darkness. Vincent is far ahead of me and no doubt unable to hear my calls. Everything can be drowned by wind.
A buck and a jump and I slip and have to scramble using what little strength left I have to get back into a normal position. For some reason it takes a lot of concentration to breathe when the wind is rushing so fast against me. I can never get enough air and I pant in exertion. "Vincent?"
"Cloud?"
"C-can we s-stop for tonight?" My words are accented by a sharp bark as my chocobo skids to a halt and I am nearly thrown into the wind . . . I nearly fly away. He says nothing, only brings his bird back around and dismounts in one graceful movement. He hoists me from my mount and carries me to rest against a large tree nearby. He takes my sword from where I had attached it to the bird's saddle and tosses it to me. He starts gathering wood and I hear the faint snapping of twigs beneath his boots.
"We shouldn't stay here for too long, the others may follow us."
"Gods, why can't they just leave me /alone/."
" . . .They are concerned for you, Cloud. They do not want to see you so miserable."
"They have no idea. They don't even /know/. How could I have told them? They would have hated me." On second thought, it would have been better if I had told them. They wouldn't follow me then, would they.
"You never told anyone else."
"No. How could I tell them that I am . . . that I /was/ in love with the man that killed so many. But I wasn't in love with that killer, just Sephiroth, the way He was before." I let my head sink against the trunk of the tree. The knots in the wood are uncomfortable but who cares. Discomfort is only an illusion, like so many other things. The breeze stirs the leaves high above me. I wish I were a leaf.
"Then remember him only the way he was, and not what he became."
I smile a little. I'm beginning to like Vincent more and more, now that he's actually speaking to me. I know I will benefit from his wisdom, I just don't know if I want to. So for now I'll just let the weary exhaustion take over, and I might even sleep a little. My dreams, so far, they haven't been too bad. I see Him, and I get to see how beautiful He is and I might get to fly with Him at this rate.
"When was the last time you've eaten?"
Startled out of my thoughts yet again. The thought of food seems strange to me. I don't remember the last time I ate anything. Food just seemed so trivial after . . . after Sephiroth, and by now I suppose I'd just forgotten. "I don't remember."
A soft sigh of exasperation and I immediately feel the weight of my own burden. Sleepless nights cannot be nearly even half of what I'm putting him through. Oh what perfect agony this is. As if I need the guilt to take flight beneath my heart; as if I really need Vincent to put himself through the hell that is me. I feel my eyes burn with a newfound mourning. Bereavement. Vincent as I knew him is gone forever. All that's left is a . . . guardian. Vincent my guardian angel. Who ever said that he needs this? Why does Destiny make people do things like this? A smile a little as I imagine Chaos. Not an angel, but then again I don't deserve one. Hell, I don't even deserve a demon.
"Cloud?"
I flinch and push myself back against the tree. "What."
"I am going to go hunting now. Will you be all right here by yourself?"
My guardian demon who is afraid to leave my side, probably because I can't stand up on my own or because I still have enough strength to kill myself. But he trusts me. He doesn't have a choice. He's mine now. "I'll be fine Vincent."
He might be smiling but his face is, as always, concealed. I am grateful for the fact. If he were smiling, I know I would see Sephiroth there. It's bad enough as it is. I feel stinging tears well up in my wind-blown eyes, only because I miss my Sephiroth. I miss Him so much. What I wouldn't give for just one touch, one whisper. I don't bother to wipe my eyes and watch as my tears make wet circles on the fabric of my pants. Just a single touch . . . just one last kiss. I close my eyes because the wind and the tears hurt them. My eyes close because the anguish inside is to great to bear. They stay closed.
// "You're so beautiful."
He smiles. I want to kiss Him but I'm too lazy to get up.
"Won't you kiss me Sephiroth?"
Another blessed smile and He walks towards my outstretched arms and we embrace. He gives me a light kiss and I want more. His hair is soft and yielding in my greedy fingers. He simply lies next to me and lets Himself be touched. His eyes close when I kiss them and He smiles, just like a sleeping child. His lips parted slightly and begging to be kissed over and over, His cheeks flushed just barely with desire, He is so beautiful. Pressing tightly against Him as I kiss the skin on His neck, I hear His shallow breathing and revel in His touch as He begins to brush His lithesome fingers across my back. I feel the heat from Him, He feels the heat from me, and He looks me in the eye while tugging lazily at the top button of my shirt, as if He really needs my permission. As if He doesn't know that I need Him.//
My body jerks and I fumble for my sword when I hear the gunfire. Panic again in its sweetest form and my dilated eyes frantically search around me. A clearing, a tree, some chocobos, the wind. My dream fades and reality sets in. I smell gunpowder in the air and I can here Vincent trudging back through the forest not too far away. How long had I been asleep? Was I asleep at all? My breath quiets and I feel my pulse return to a state of normalcy. I collapse back against the tree and remember my dream. How do I live like this? How is it that I can possibly stay alive when at one point in time I had /that/, I used to have /Him/! I think. Either way those memories make life so difficult and I have to concentrate so hard on just breathing so that I forget some things. Breathing. Steady motion in my chest, in, out, in, out. Not a good way to forget anything. Breathing . . . I always breathe. Why don't I stop?
Vincent is dragging a fairly large bird behind him and it once had brilliant plumage. I can see the glowing of his eyes and he looks intense and Turk-like. He eyes me reproachfully, blood red perusing over my white knuckles and my shaking, sweaty grip on my sword.
"Nothing happened did it? Cloud?"
I shake my head and draw my knees up to my chest, letting my sword fall to the ground. He begins to deplume the bird and I watch Him for all I'm worth. He is Vincent, not anyone else, only Vincent. Sephiroth would never brace the bird by its feet using a gleaming, metal claw, only Vincent. And Sephiroth would never watch me so openly and with such obvious concern; in fact, no one has ever looked at me the way he is watching me now. I feel blood rise to my cheeks in a sudden hot rush and I stare at the ground. There is something wrong and I can't quite tell what, but something is just wrong. Vincent would never act like this. He would never ever /care/ about anyone that wasn't Lucrecia. Why is he looking at me this way, why does he care about me and why do I want this so badly. Why do I need to be cared about?
"Give it time Cloud. Just rest and give it time."
I have all the time in the world. I have an eternity to think about this. I have forever to remember Him and to need Him. Time is something I would gladly give in abundance. I would give every minute of my life away right now if I could. I barely hear the sound of ripping tendons as my guardian demon wrenches the bird onto a long, sharpened stick. I think of how slowly time goes as he carefully checks his materia. A faint glow takes a fraction of eternity to appear before the pile of sticks Vincent collected bursts into flame. After five hundred years has gone by, the bird is roasting slowly . . . very slowly, over the fire. I realize that after such a long time without eating, I really am hungry.
"Tell me about Zack. I don't know that much about him."
A muffled sob escapes my throat and I turn my face into my hands to try to calm down. Zack. Zack. Zack. God I miss him, I wish he was here too, I wish that Zack and me and Sephiroth were all here . . . together, happy. For eternity. Tears fall from my eyes and Vincent doesn't speak, he makes no apology for upsetting me and does not attempt to mitigate my sorrow. Breathing, in, out, in, out. It's okay. Only Zack. Just Zack. He died for me. He gave up everything he ever had to save me. But I'm not guilty . . . no. I can't be. I'd go insane if I ever even thought of being guilty. Sephiroth is the only one that matters. I have enough guilt to fill the universe, just from killing my angel. Zack . . . even though I loved him too, doesn't matter that much. And I hate myself for it. "What do you want to know?" The wind makes my tears streak across my face in jagged, wet lines.
"You met in Midgar?"
I nod.
"At the academy?"
Another nod.
"He was very close to Sephiroth, was he not?"
I don't know. Yeah, he must have been, I guess. "Well. I guess I should start trying to figure this out. I . . . uhhh. Maybe?"
"When was the first time you met Sephiroth?"
I remember watching Him. He stood by a river carrying a map and looking serious. His eyes darted back and forth between the terrain and the map. Mission? Wutai? I plunge deeper into my memories. Ambush. He saved me. The jungle . . . and I had a bullet wound in my shoulder. He put pressure on it and didn't take the bullet out until we got to one of ShinRa's fortresses. Fortress. I don't think ShinRa needs fortresses unless they're at war. Must have been Zack. Had to have been. I wasn't . . . in the war. I don't think I was. And if I wasn't in the war, then the first time I met Him was . . . was . . . I'll be damned if I can remember anything. "I don't know dammit." I clench my jaw and wish I forget /everything/. And to think some people get amnesia when they undergo head trauma.
"Don't get frustrated, Cloud. I'm only here to help you. We'll figure everything out. Now do you remember the first time you met Zack?"
"I was in his squad. I stayed after every day for extra help."
"You became friends that way."
I nod. The memories are there, but fuzzy. I watch as Vincent flips the bird over. His eyes scour the darkness around us and he taps the handle of his gun idly. I realize that I'm checking my materia, even though I haven't the strength to use it. There's fat dripping of the bird and it hisses as it drips into the fire. The wind stirs some of the discarded feathers and the lighter downy ones fly around and then disappear with the gust that made them fly. A long fingered hand waves in front of my eyes and I shake my head. "Huh?"
He is smiling. There is no way /anyone/ can deny this. I nearly gape at him. His eyes sparkle with hidden mirth.
"You're doing it again."
"Doing what?"
"Getting lost in your own little world. Your eyes glaze over and you aren't even aware when I speak."
"Oh, sorry. Did you say something?"
"Yes but do not worry. It can wait." He looks at me with . . . affection? Sweet Shiva, he's not . . . he couldn't possibly be . . . in . . . love. With me. Please no. No no no no no. Please. I can't . . . I don't want to hurt him. I can't hurt anybody anymore. I'll die if I know that he's in pain. I never want to hurt /anybody/ ever again. Not again. "Cloud?" I shiver at the compassion, however slight, in his voice. "Cloud, relax." I look up at him again as he flips the bird over. He watches me; there is concern there but not love. I'm just crazy, that's it. Seeing things that aren't there, /again/. I must remember that I'm the sick puppy, the bird with the broken wing. Something to be pitied. Something you take care of only because no one else will. I'm simply delirious. Yes, delirious, that must be it.
"Drink this." He hands me a flask and I take it without looking. It's water and I drink it, not realizing how dehydrated I am. "Another thing you must learn to do Cloud, is to never think of anyone's well being but your own. I know what you've been thinking, that you're a burden. Please understand that were I not here with you now, I'd be back molding in a coffin, weltering in my own self-pity. You are not a burden Cloud; never think that. You do not need compassion because you have grief, so don't worry about me."
I pour the remaining contents of the flask down my throat and feel sick. I flop forward a little so I can lie down and I end up in an awkward stuck position. Quite suddenly and without any warning, I feel his hands on me; his palms are pressed against my sides and supporting me as I simply collapse. The sensation of his naked, human hand against me makes me shiver. It's not unlike the initial touch of life stream; that is before it starts to burn. An incredible tingling feeling that I can't explain, and the fact that Vincent is making me feel this is strange to me. I always forget what its like to be touched. Before Sephiroth, I never knew, and after Sephiroth, I forgot. But now . . . it is so wrong of me to crave this, to want /more/ of this. The heels of my hand dig into my temples as I try to force ideas out of my mind, thoughts of the different ways Vincent and I could touch each other. It's wrong . . . sick even. I don't deserve to be touched by anything; I'm surprised Vincent's hand hasn't burned off. And even if I did deserve it . . . the thought that I can even /think/ about being with someone other than Sephiroth is disgusting. But then . . . If it's so wrong then why aren't I trying to get away?
"Cloud? Are you all right?" The voice of my guardian demon, laced with concern. I can't move, paralyzed in that very position and stuck to the ground. He shakes me gently and speaks my name again. Sounds like Sephiroth, that same voice. Calling to me. I open my eyes just in time to see my hand reaching out to touch the owner of that voice, but it's not what I expected. Garnet not emerald, ebony, and not silver. I jerk my hand away quickly and scramble away.
"Sorry Vincent, I didn't mean to . . . I'm just tired."
He smiled in understanding. "Eat a little. You'll need the strength."
"For what?"
He looks at me curiously but does not respond. My confusion has thoroughly soaked my mind. I barely know where I am. Actually, I don't even know that. I don't know why I'm here or why Vincent is with me. I don't know the date or how long I've been in that room sobbing or how long I've been jostled around on that chocobo. I don't know a thing; hell, I don't even suspect anything.
"Eat." He hands me a fat leg and I take it. Grease runs down my arm and drips onto my clothes. I pick at the outside and eat very small bites, afraid that anything more might not agree with me. It's amazing how good food can taste when you haven't eaten since god knows when. We eat in silence, Vincent stares out into the darkness, his gun resting on his shoulder. He stokes the fire, making it bright to scare away some of the night creatures. I eat and I know I must look monstrous. I am ravenous and even though I know I should pace myself I can't help it. Before long I'm sucking leftover tissue from the bones. Vincent is staring at me with an expression I cannot gauge. "'You must have been starving," he says and turns his gaze back out into the darkness.
I wipe the grease from my lips and say nothing. He's right though. "How . . . how long was I in there?"
Slowly his face turns back towards me. "A week. We all thought that you simply needed some time alone. We tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't speak. Tifa thought you were dead."
"Does she still think I'm dead?"
A pause. "I gave her no reason to believe otherwise."
"Did you tell them you were leaving?"
"Yes, though I did not say that you would be accompanying me." I swear his eyes twinkle a little as He turns to gaze at the forest. "You might be surprised to know that Barret was probably the most concerned for you."
"Barret?"
His eyes shift towards me at the mournful tone in my voice. "Yes."
I bite my lip hard. Perfect. Barret, as if he needs to hurt. Why do people have to care about me? I never did anything for Barret. Not one thing. Yet he . . . he was worried about me. I taste the tang of blood on my lips as I realize that I've been biting down too hard.
"Don't bite your lip Cloud."
His voice is chastising. Something else there in those words, something familiar and far away. I open my mouth and all at once the memory floods back to me. I remember now. Sephiroth, when I met Him.
//"So the archives are fucked up, half of them have been completely fucking obliterated and the rest of them aren't recognized by the program." Zack said this. We were in training when suddenly the lights flickered and went out. They came back on shortly, but some kind of important programs for the SOLDIER training had been deleted. Sephiroth paced in front of His lieutenant with an austere yet controlled look. Everyone in the ranks was a cadet and it was the first time any of us had seen The General up close. We were so tense as we stood at attention that it had begun to hurt. I was nearly in tears, but not because it hurt to stand so straight. I was so very close to an angel, and I would have given anything to touch Him, but I knew I couldn't move. It hurt so badly to not be able to touch Him.
"How am I supposed to correct the situation?"
The room went completely still aside from Zack's fidgeting and Sephiroth's pacing. We'd never heard His voice and it was euphony.
"Hell if I know. All I heard is that ShinRa wants the programs back up by Monday."
Sephiroth stopped pacing and the room reverberated with energy; an energy I knew must have been anger though The General looked completely composed. Sephiroth rested His hands behind His back. "There are seventeen training programs that have been destroyed. It took me years to write them all, and ShinRa wants them back up by Monday?"
"Yeah, sucks huh."
Sephiroth rested one hand on His hip. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that everyone's eyes were completely trained on that one movement. The General mumbled something and Zack looked sympathetic. In a soft rustle of black leather The General began walking towards the door . . . more importantly He began walking towards /me/. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would explode. I took every ounce of energy I had not to squeeze my eyes shut just so that I wouldn't have to see Him. If I didn't see Him then I wouldn't run to Him and cling to that powerful body for all I was worth. I kept my eyes open and I watched as Sephiroth drew nearer and nearer. I felt dizzy. I watched as Sephiroth was less then a yard away. I watched He passes me, then stopped and turned back around. I watched as He stopped. Right. In. Front. Of. Me. One black gloved hand reached out and held my chin. A strong thumb pulled at my lower lip. "Don't bite your lip," He said.//
I laugh, a harsh sound in the forest and Vincent glances at me looking confused. "I remember when I met Him. I remember." I laugh again and cover my face. "Sweet Shiva. I fainted! I fucking fainted." I continue to laugh and my sides begin to ache. "Gods, no wonder I blocked out that memory. Can you imagine how embarrassed I was? I fucking fainted on The fucking General's feet!" I can't help but be hysterical but it is funny . . . I fainted, how lame.
I hear a soft sound from Vincent, a chuckle. "You fainted?"
I nod and tears stream down my face I'm laughing so hard. "I'm such a loser!"
He laughs then and shakes his head. "I don't mean to be offensive, but that is somewhat . . . embarrassing."
I breathe in slowly, trying to steady myself and I wipe my eyes on my sleeve.
"Why did you faint?"
I stifle a laugh. "He told me not to bite my lip and touched my face. Then I passed out cold."
Another chuckle and Vincent looks genuinely amused. "Then what?"
I stop laughing. "I don't know. Maybe I'll remember later."
"Let's hope so," Vincent says softly and stands in a quick, easy motion. "Let's go. We can still get in a few more miles before sun up."
A/N: I used to have a lemon . . . but then the NC-17 ban was instigated. That won't stop me though!!! If you want the lemon I can e-mail it to you, just leave me a review stating that you are mature enough to handle the contents of the Seph/Cloud lemon and leave me an e-mail address. Please leave comments as well.
//"Do you love me?"
" . . .Yes."
"Hmmm, then why do you hesitate?"
"I don't know."
"You're not really sure are you, about loving me."
" . . .I'm not sure what love is really."
"It's whatever you want it to be."
"Is it? In that case I love you."
"Yeah? I love you too, so so much . . . What would you do if I died?"
"I would die too."
"What would you do if I became a monster?"
"I would become a monster hunter and trap you. Keep you all to myself."
"Oh yeah? Well what would you do if I became a cloud?"
"I would become the sky, so I would always be close to you."
"And if I became a leaf?"
"I would be the wind, and we could go all over the world together."
"See, that's love."
"It's strange."
"How so?"
"It's horrible and wonderful at the same time."//
Something about the idea of running away has always appealed to me, not because of the fact that I'd be escaping some terror or starting life anew, but because of the /thrill/ of it all. I've always been an adventure seeker, I know that was me. I love to run, to feel the wind caress my hair and coursing through my outstretched fingers. Every so often, I have a dream that if I run fast enough, I can fly. Not as though I've sprouted wings and can soar high through the air and touch clouds, but I simply rise up off the ground a few feet and glide until I touch ground again, still running. It makes the prospect of flight more realistic, and as I feel the chocobo beneath me running now, swift as any wind, I want to stretch out my arms, just to see if I might hover above the ground for a little while.
We snuck away in the middle of the night without anyone noticing. It's fantastic. Vincent had crept around gathering provisions and the idea that he might be caught was so exciting. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. It's the same exact feeling I get while standing in the wake of a mighty gale, but then I don't consider it to necessarily be standing against anything. In Nibelheim on the mountain path, if you stood in the right place at the right time, the wind would consume you completely. Cool and clean and invigorating. I would never have to try to conquer it, I would simply merge with it until I was the wind too and I would fly with it. I love the wind. Sephiroth always reminded me of the wind. Elusive and mysterious, governed by none. He looked like the wind, with his flowing silver hair and sometimes the greens in his eyes would smudge; the wind streaked those colors for Him to make Him more beautiful. He was a violent typhoon and a gentle breeze; I was a leaf given flight by that wind. I loved it. I miss it.
Now I am running, and it makes everything a little better. I know my mind has been slipping. I cannot think of Him anymore and when I do, it's as if He still exists. I told myself that I could not afford to be deluded ever again, but its not like I'm /willing/ myself to be this way, I just am. Vincent's presence makes things worse because if I close my eyes then it isn't Vincent standing before me, it's Sephiroth. I fear I'll do something to add to my list of regrets if I'm not careful. Stroke those high cheek bones or watch as my breathy whispers of love and lust make the hair near his ear flutter away as if caught in a breeze. I fear one day that my mind just might shut down completely and I wont even have to close my eyes to see Sephiroth in front of me, kissing me, making love to me. I don't want to go crazy.
Still tired though, and still weak. And everything hurts again as I'm jostled and thrown around in the narrow saddle of my chocobo. Noble birds, they are, but bumpy as hell. I have to cling to his neck to keep from falling off and my arms are starting to give out. "Vincent?" No response, I open my eyes against the blast of air running over me and squint into the darkness. Vincent is far ahead of me and no doubt unable to hear my calls. Everything can be drowned by wind.
A buck and a jump and I slip and have to scramble using what little strength left I have to get back into a normal position. For some reason it takes a lot of concentration to breathe when the wind is rushing so fast against me. I can never get enough air and I pant in exertion. "Vincent?"
"Cloud?"
"C-can we s-stop for tonight?" My words are accented by a sharp bark as my chocobo skids to a halt and I am nearly thrown into the wind . . . I nearly fly away. He says nothing, only brings his bird back around and dismounts in one graceful movement. He hoists me from my mount and carries me to rest against a large tree nearby. He takes my sword from where I had attached it to the bird's saddle and tosses it to me. He starts gathering wood and I hear the faint snapping of twigs beneath his boots.
"We shouldn't stay here for too long, the others may follow us."
"Gods, why can't they just leave me /alone/."
" . . .They are concerned for you, Cloud. They do not want to see you so miserable."
"They have no idea. They don't even /know/. How could I have told them? They would have hated me." On second thought, it would have been better if I had told them. They wouldn't follow me then, would they.
"You never told anyone else."
"No. How could I tell them that I am . . . that I /was/ in love with the man that killed so many. But I wasn't in love with that killer, just Sephiroth, the way He was before." I let my head sink against the trunk of the tree. The knots in the wood are uncomfortable but who cares. Discomfort is only an illusion, like so many other things. The breeze stirs the leaves high above me. I wish I were a leaf.
"Then remember him only the way he was, and not what he became."
I smile a little. I'm beginning to like Vincent more and more, now that he's actually speaking to me. I know I will benefit from his wisdom, I just don't know if I want to. So for now I'll just let the weary exhaustion take over, and I might even sleep a little. My dreams, so far, they haven't been too bad. I see Him, and I get to see how beautiful He is and I might get to fly with Him at this rate.
"When was the last time you've eaten?"
Startled out of my thoughts yet again. The thought of food seems strange to me. I don't remember the last time I ate anything. Food just seemed so trivial after . . . after Sephiroth, and by now I suppose I'd just forgotten. "I don't remember."
A soft sigh of exasperation and I immediately feel the weight of my own burden. Sleepless nights cannot be nearly even half of what I'm putting him through. Oh what perfect agony this is. As if I need the guilt to take flight beneath my heart; as if I really need Vincent to put himself through the hell that is me. I feel my eyes burn with a newfound mourning. Bereavement. Vincent as I knew him is gone forever. All that's left is a . . . guardian. Vincent my guardian angel. Who ever said that he needs this? Why does Destiny make people do things like this? A smile a little as I imagine Chaos. Not an angel, but then again I don't deserve one. Hell, I don't even deserve a demon.
"Cloud?"
I flinch and push myself back against the tree. "What."
"I am going to go hunting now. Will you be all right here by yourself?"
My guardian demon who is afraid to leave my side, probably because I can't stand up on my own or because I still have enough strength to kill myself. But he trusts me. He doesn't have a choice. He's mine now. "I'll be fine Vincent."
He might be smiling but his face is, as always, concealed. I am grateful for the fact. If he were smiling, I know I would see Sephiroth there. It's bad enough as it is. I feel stinging tears well up in my wind-blown eyes, only because I miss my Sephiroth. I miss Him so much. What I wouldn't give for just one touch, one whisper. I don't bother to wipe my eyes and watch as my tears make wet circles on the fabric of my pants. Just a single touch . . . just one last kiss. I close my eyes because the wind and the tears hurt them. My eyes close because the anguish inside is to great to bear. They stay closed.
// "You're so beautiful."
He smiles. I want to kiss Him but I'm too lazy to get up.
"Won't you kiss me Sephiroth?"
Another blessed smile and He walks towards my outstretched arms and we embrace. He gives me a light kiss and I want more. His hair is soft and yielding in my greedy fingers. He simply lies next to me and lets Himself be touched. His eyes close when I kiss them and He smiles, just like a sleeping child. His lips parted slightly and begging to be kissed over and over, His cheeks flushed just barely with desire, He is so beautiful. Pressing tightly against Him as I kiss the skin on His neck, I hear His shallow breathing and revel in His touch as He begins to brush His lithesome fingers across my back. I feel the heat from Him, He feels the heat from me, and He looks me in the eye while tugging lazily at the top button of my shirt, as if He really needs my permission. As if He doesn't know that I need Him.//
My body jerks and I fumble for my sword when I hear the gunfire. Panic again in its sweetest form and my dilated eyes frantically search around me. A clearing, a tree, some chocobos, the wind. My dream fades and reality sets in. I smell gunpowder in the air and I can here Vincent trudging back through the forest not too far away. How long had I been asleep? Was I asleep at all? My breath quiets and I feel my pulse return to a state of normalcy. I collapse back against the tree and remember my dream. How do I live like this? How is it that I can possibly stay alive when at one point in time I had /that/, I used to have /Him/! I think. Either way those memories make life so difficult and I have to concentrate so hard on just breathing so that I forget some things. Breathing. Steady motion in my chest, in, out, in, out. Not a good way to forget anything. Breathing . . . I always breathe. Why don't I stop?
Vincent is dragging a fairly large bird behind him and it once had brilliant plumage. I can see the glowing of his eyes and he looks intense and Turk-like. He eyes me reproachfully, blood red perusing over my white knuckles and my shaking, sweaty grip on my sword.
"Nothing happened did it? Cloud?"
I shake my head and draw my knees up to my chest, letting my sword fall to the ground. He begins to deplume the bird and I watch Him for all I'm worth. He is Vincent, not anyone else, only Vincent. Sephiroth would never brace the bird by its feet using a gleaming, metal claw, only Vincent. And Sephiroth would never watch me so openly and with such obvious concern; in fact, no one has ever looked at me the way he is watching me now. I feel blood rise to my cheeks in a sudden hot rush and I stare at the ground. There is something wrong and I can't quite tell what, but something is just wrong. Vincent would never act like this. He would never ever /care/ about anyone that wasn't Lucrecia. Why is he looking at me this way, why does he care about me and why do I want this so badly. Why do I need to be cared about?
"Give it time Cloud. Just rest and give it time."
I have all the time in the world. I have an eternity to think about this. I have forever to remember Him and to need Him. Time is something I would gladly give in abundance. I would give every minute of my life away right now if I could. I barely hear the sound of ripping tendons as my guardian demon wrenches the bird onto a long, sharpened stick. I think of how slowly time goes as he carefully checks his materia. A faint glow takes a fraction of eternity to appear before the pile of sticks Vincent collected bursts into flame. After five hundred years has gone by, the bird is roasting slowly . . . very slowly, over the fire. I realize that after such a long time without eating, I really am hungry.
"Tell me about Zack. I don't know that much about him."
A muffled sob escapes my throat and I turn my face into my hands to try to calm down. Zack. Zack. Zack. God I miss him, I wish he was here too, I wish that Zack and me and Sephiroth were all here . . . together, happy. For eternity. Tears fall from my eyes and Vincent doesn't speak, he makes no apology for upsetting me and does not attempt to mitigate my sorrow. Breathing, in, out, in, out. It's okay. Only Zack. Just Zack. He died for me. He gave up everything he ever had to save me. But I'm not guilty . . . no. I can't be. I'd go insane if I ever even thought of being guilty. Sephiroth is the only one that matters. I have enough guilt to fill the universe, just from killing my angel. Zack . . . even though I loved him too, doesn't matter that much. And I hate myself for it. "What do you want to know?" The wind makes my tears streak across my face in jagged, wet lines.
"You met in Midgar?"
I nod.
"At the academy?"
Another nod.
"He was very close to Sephiroth, was he not?"
I don't know. Yeah, he must have been, I guess. "Well. I guess I should start trying to figure this out. I . . . uhhh. Maybe?"
"When was the first time you met Sephiroth?"
I remember watching Him. He stood by a river carrying a map and looking serious. His eyes darted back and forth between the terrain and the map. Mission? Wutai? I plunge deeper into my memories. Ambush. He saved me. The jungle . . . and I had a bullet wound in my shoulder. He put pressure on it and didn't take the bullet out until we got to one of ShinRa's fortresses. Fortress. I don't think ShinRa needs fortresses unless they're at war. Must have been Zack. Had to have been. I wasn't . . . in the war. I don't think I was. And if I wasn't in the war, then the first time I met Him was . . . was . . . I'll be damned if I can remember anything. "I don't know dammit." I clench my jaw and wish I forget /everything/. And to think some people get amnesia when they undergo head trauma.
"Don't get frustrated, Cloud. I'm only here to help you. We'll figure everything out. Now do you remember the first time you met Zack?"
"I was in his squad. I stayed after every day for extra help."
"You became friends that way."
I nod. The memories are there, but fuzzy. I watch as Vincent flips the bird over. His eyes scour the darkness around us and he taps the handle of his gun idly. I realize that I'm checking my materia, even though I haven't the strength to use it. There's fat dripping of the bird and it hisses as it drips into the fire. The wind stirs some of the discarded feathers and the lighter downy ones fly around and then disappear with the gust that made them fly. A long fingered hand waves in front of my eyes and I shake my head. "Huh?"
He is smiling. There is no way /anyone/ can deny this. I nearly gape at him. His eyes sparkle with hidden mirth.
"You're doing it again."
"Doing what?"
"Getting lost in your own little world. Your eyes glaze over and you aren't even aware when I speak."
"Oh, sorry. Did you say something?"
"Yes but do not worry. It can wait." He looks at me with . . . affection? Sweet Shiva, he's not . . . he couldn't possibly be . . . in . . . love. With me. Please no. No no no no no. Please. I can't . . . I don't want to hurt him. I can't hurt anybody anymore. I'll die if I know that he's in pain. I never want to hurt /anybody/ ever again. Not again. "Cloud?" I shiver at the compassion, however slight, in his voice. "Cloud, relax." I look up at him again as he flips the bird over. He watches me; there is concern there but not love. I'm just crazy, that's it. Seeing things that aren't there, /again/. I must remember that I'm the sick puppy, the bird with the broken wing. Something to be pitied. Something you take care of only because no one else will. I'm simply delirious. Yes, delirious, that must be it.
"Drink this." He hands me a flask and I take it without looking. It's water and I drink it, not realizing how dehydrated I am. "Another thing you must learn to do Cloud, is to never think of anyone's well being but your own. I know what you've been thinking, that you're a burden. Please understand that were I not here with you now, I'd be back molding in a coffin, weltering in my own self-pity. You are not a burden Cloud; never think that. You do not need compassion because you have grief, so don't worry about me."
I pour the remaining contents of the flask down my throat and feel sick. I flop forward a little so I can lie down and I end up in an awkward stuck position. Quite suddenly and without any warning, I feel his hands on me; his palms are pressed against my sides and supporting me as I simply collapse. The sensation of his naked, human hand against me makes me shiver. It's not unlike the initial touch of life stream; that is before it starts to burn. An incredible tingling feeling that I can't explain, and the fact that Vincent is making me feel this is strange to me. I always forget what its like to be touched. Before Sephiroth, I never knew, and after Sephiroth, I forgot. But now . . . it is so wrong of me to crave this, to want /more/ of this. The heels of my hand dig into my temples as I try to force ideas out of my mind, thoughts of the different ways Vincent and I could touch each other. It's wrong . . . sick even. I don't deserve to be touched by anything; I'm surprised Vincent's hand hasn't burned off. And even if I did deserve it . . . the thought that I can even /think/ about being with someone other than Sephiroth is disgusting. But then . . . If it's so wrong then why aren't I trying to get away?
"Cloud? Are you all right?" The voice of my guardian demon, laced with concern. I can't move, paralyzed in that very position and stuck to the ground. He shakes me gently and speaks my name again. Sounds like Sephiroth, that same voice. Calling to me. I open my eyes just in time to see my hand reaching out to touch the owner of that voice, but it's not what I expected. Garnet not emerald, ebony, and not silver. I jerk my hand away quickly and scramble away.
"Sorry Vincent, I didn't mean to . . . I'm just tired."
He smiled in understanding. "Eat a little. You'll need the strength."
"For what?"
He looks at me curiously but does not respond. My confusion has thoroughly soaked my mind. I barely know where I am. Actually, I don't even know that. I don't know why I'm here or why Vincent is with me. I don't know the date or how long I've been in that room sobbing or how long I've been jostled around on that chocobo. I don't know a thing; hell, I don't even suspect anything.
"Eat." He hands me a fat leg and I take it. Grease runs down my arm and drips onto my clothes. I pick at the outside and eat very small bites, afraid that anything more might not agree with me. It's amazing how good food can taste when you haven't eaten since god knows when. We eat in silence, Vincent stares out into the darkness, his gun resting on his shoulder. He stokes the fire, making it bright to scare away some of the night creatures. I eat and I know I must look monstrous. I am ravenous and even though I know I should pace myself I can't help it. Before long I'm sucking leftover tissue from the bones. Vincent is staring at me with an expression I cannot gauge. "'You must have been starving," he says and turns his gaze back out into the darkness.
I wipe the grease from my lips and say nothing. He's right though. "How . . . how long was I in there?"
Slowly his face turns back towards me. "A week. We all thought that you simply needed some time alone. We tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't speak. Tifa thought you were dead."
"Does she still think I'm dead?"
A pause. "I gave her no reason to believe otherwise."
"Did you tell them you were leaving?"
"Yes, though I did not say that you would be accompanying me." I swear his eyes twinkle a little as He turns to gaze at the forest. "You might be surprised to know that Barret was probably the most concerned for you."
"Barret?"
His eyes shift towards me at the mournful tone in my voice. "Yes."
I bite my lip hard. Perfect. Barret, as if he needs to hurt. Why do people have to care about me? I never did anything for Barret. Not one thing. Yet he . . . he was worried about me. I taste the tang of blood on my lips as I realize that I've been biting down too hard.
"Don't bite your lip Cloud."
His voice is chastising. Something else there in those words, something familiar and far away. I open my mouth and all at once the memory floods back to me. I remember now. Sephiroth, when I met Him.
//"So the archives are fucked up, half of them have been completely fucking obliterated and the rest of them aren't recognized by the program." Zack said this. We were in training when suddenly the lights flickered and went out. They came back on shortly, but some kind of important programs for the SOLDIER training had been deleted. Sephiroth paced in front of His lieutenant with an austere yet controlled look. Everyone in the ranks was a cadet and it was the first time any of us had seen The General up close. We were so tense as we stood at attention that it had begun to hurt. I was nearly in tears, but not because it hurt to stand so straight. I was so very close to an angel, and I would have given anything to touch Him, but I knew I couldn't move. It hurt so badly to not be able to touch Him.
"How am I supposed to correct the situation?"
The room went completely still aside from Zack's fidgeting and Sephiroth's pacing. We'd never heard His voice and it was euphony.
"Hell if I know. All I heard is that ShinRa wants the programs back up by Monday."
Sephiroth stopped pacing and the room reverberated with energy; an energy I knew must have been anger though The General looked completely composed. Sephiroth rested His hands behind His back. "There are seventeen training programs that have been destroyed. It took me years to write them all, and ShinRa wants them back up by Monday?"
"Yeah, sucks huh."
Sephiroth rested one hand on His hip. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that everyone's eyes were completely trained on that one movement. The General mumbled something and Zack looked sympathetic. In a soft rustle of black leather The General began walking towards the door . . . more importantly He began walking towards /me/. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would explode. I took every ounce of energy I had not to squeeze my eyes shut just so that I wouldn't have to see Him. If I didn't see Him then I wouldn't run to Him and cling to that powerful body for all I was worth. I kept my eyes open and I watched as Sephiroth drew nearer and nearer. I felt dizzy. I watched as Sephiroth was less then a yard away. I watched He passes me, then stopped and turned back around. I watched as He stopped. Right. In. Front. Of. Me. One black gloved hand reached out and held my chin. A strong thumb pulled at my lower lip. "Don't bite your lip," He said.//
I laugh, a harsh sound in the forest and Vincent glances at me looking confused. "I remember when I met Him. I remember." I laugh again and cover my face. "Sweet Shiva. I fainted! I fucking fainted." I continue to laugh and my sides begin to ache. "Gods, no wonder I blocked out that memory. Can you imagine how embarrassed I was? I fucking fainted on The fucking General's feet!" I can't help but be hysterical but it is funny . . . I fainted, how lame.
I hear a soft sound from Vincent, a chuckle. "You fainted?"
I nod and tears stream down my face I'm laughing so hard. "I'm such a loser!"
He laughs then and shakes his head. "I don't mean to be offensive, but that is somewhat . . . embarrassing."
I breathe in slowly, trying to steady myself and I wipe my eyes on my sleeve.
"Why did you faint?"
I stifle a laugh. "He told me not to bite my lip and touched my face. Then I passed out cold."
Another chuckle and Vincent looks genuinely amused. "Then what?"
I stop laughing. "I don't know. Maybe I'll remember later."
"Let's hope so," Vincent says softly and stands in a quick, easy motion. "Let's go. We can still get in a few more miles before sun up."
A/N: I used to have a lemon . . . but then the NC-17 ban was instigated. That won't stop me though!!! If you want the lemon I can e-mail it to you, just leave me a review stating that you are mature enough to handle the contents of the Seph/Cloud lemon and leave me an e-mail address. Please leave comments as well.