There are voices in my head . . . they are familiar, I recognize them. But
I don't know what they are saying. So many different voices. So many
different people, like all the people I ever knew or ever even met, people
who walked passed me on the street or people behind me in line at the store
. . . speaking to me all at once, and trying to tell me something that
seems so very important. And the roar of it all is almost deafening and I
sob in frustration . . . I can't hear anyone and I /need/ to know what they
are trying to tell me. And then some of the voices ebb as others recede in
volume, and then back again. And from the myriad sounds and tones . . . I
hear Aeris speak my name. "Cloud . . ." I speak her name reaching out
though I cannot see and have no hopes of ever reaching anyone. And then I
feel she is very far away, at the center of the planet maybe, or maybe
farther even than that. But some other presence replaces hers and I can
sense that Zack is near; I can almost smell him or taste him in the air or
something. He sounds angry, indignant. "That's not was I trying to say!"
And I turn and my motions are sluggish, and by the time I have moved to his
voice, he is gone, spiraling out towards some unknown plane.
Whatever tangent I am on spirals too, and the colors that are not there at all turn darker. And Sephiroth speaks to me. "You were in SOLDIER 1st class and you didn't even know that?" And it doesn't make sense these voices . . . Sephiroth never said that to me, He spoke to Zack. And Zack and Aeris . . . both speak to me but convey nothing to me. I sob again and try to leave, try to get away from the near tangible swell of emotions and voices and terror. And then some unknown voice descends upon me, it does not sneak from behind me or recede or run away. It presses down upon me like a demi spell and I am nearly crushed. "I love you." And it lifts immediately and the waves leave me and I am lying on the floor of a cave and it is still dark. "W-what did you just say?" I open my eyes and the pain is confined only to the bridge of my nose. I hardly notice it. And Vincent's palms are pressed near my eyes, healing me, and I can see the blisters already forming on his human hand and fingers from casting too many spells. And he looks down at me, guilt in his eyes but does not withdraw his hands.
He bows his head. "You heard me."
Never lacking eloquence except for now. "I-I don't think I did."
He withdraws his hands then and refuses to look me in the eye. "Sephiroth may not have loved you but--"
"But how do you /know/ that!!" I sit up too quickly and my head swims and my vision waivers, but my anger is steadfast.
"I found at least this much before my own quest consumed me. Here, I will read it to you, and I know it hurts, Cloud, but please . . . listen." I watch silently as he selects one of the several journals he brought back with him. He holds the book close to the candle and I watch the inky words illuminate with yellow light, and listen silently and patiently as Vincent begins to read. "'Specimen C continues to be influenced by Jenova infusions. His metabolism has increased by fifteen percent and his strength, endurance, and overall physical performance has also increased incrementally. Side effects are similar to those of previous specimens, including: delirium, sweating, nightmares, and tremors. Specimen Z, however, has had no response, neither positive nor negative, towards the infusions. All aspects of the specimen's being have remained the same. Rather than terminate the specimen, I believe I will teach it a lesson for meddling in things that ought not to have been meddled with. I once vowed that the First Specimen belonged only to me, and that should anyone else claim him they would face consequences. Being a man of my word, specimen Z will most certainly suffer for undoing much of what years of training had accomplished. The fate of my original specimen came as a hard loss for me; however, due to specimen Z's continued interference, the original became stubborn, insubordinate, malicious, and even dangerous. Termination was imminent, but it could have been avoided if not for that maddeningly obnoxious SOLDIER. I will take special measures to make sure it feels nothing but pain . . .'" He stops reading and I let everything sink in. Of course I could contest it; there is nothing there that actually confirms anything. But I can't delude myself again, not like this. Sephiroth told Zack everything, about the lab and the experiments, and Zack fought for Him . . . Zack made Him believe that He was more than just a rat or a specimen, and Hojo tortured him for it. I truly was just another pawn . . .
"Oh . . . fuck." I lie back down and feel sick to my stomach. Vincent seizes my hand with his claw and places his human hand on my forehead; healing me one last time . . . I don't feel any pain in my head anymore, at least not physically. "Gods . . . why?"
"Cloud . . . please. At least now you know that you haven't betrayed Sephiroth. You were his enemy and not his friend. You didn't do anything to hurt him, Cloud. You merely did what you had to."
I can't breathe and I can't panic. I feel poisonous, like my blood is full of mercury. I feel so heavy and toxic and terrible. Why am I alive . . . gods why? "It was me that time. It's been all I've thought about since I remembered. I know it was me. We were at Nibelheim. I've never been more certain of anything in my life."
His voice is sympathetic. "Cloud, that doesn't mean anything. You said so yourself that it was often Sephiroth would have a cadet share his bed. If it really did happen, you can't expect it to have meant anything to him . . . you did nothing to betray him."
"Didn't I?" I am conscious of a large part of my mind shutting down. And I think of all those times I had to restrain myself and berate myself for doing things that would betray Him further. But He used me, He never loved me, never wanted me, never thought of me as anything but a body and pawn. I never experienced what it was like to be loved by Him. I guess . . . I guess I haven't experienced much . . . Zack had everything and I had nothing. I should have known that I wouldn't be so lucky. That my life was pointless and wishful and stupid. I should have known that I'm not worthy of His love. And He never came to see me, I'm just crazy. People can't come back from the dead, no matter how much we want them to. "So what was it all for?"
He does not answer immediately, even though I expect him to. "All this? All your turmoil and suffering?" He scoffs. "I have yet to understand that. What is any of it for? Why must we suffer so?"
"No . . ." I say and touch my lips, they feel numb. "Suffering is a choice. We both made it. I never had to worry about it . . . I mean us. I never had to fucking run into a wall, or be cautious. I could have kissed you that night by the river. It wouldn't have mattered. And if you had kissed me goodbye before you left, that wouldn't have mattered either."
His claw grows slack from around my palm.
I open my eyes and look at him. "I think you're beautiful . . . maybe I would have been able to love you, had the circumstances been different. Maybe you could kiss me goodbye now?" Static in my head.
"But you're not going anywhere." His grip tightens again. "And neither am I. We can stay here."
I sigh and close my eyes. "I do love you Vincent . . . I wouldn't mind staying here, but I have my answer now. I can't live any longer. I just can't."
"Cloud, please don't say such things."
"Did you say you loved me? I heard you say it . . . did you mean it?" I open my eyes again and he nods slowly.
"It is a strange love. But it is there, I love you."
Memories play in my head like a broken record. "What does it mean to you . . . what do you mean when you say this." I smile as one of the memories that isn't mine sounds over and over in my head. It's not even bittersweet. I hate it. I hate Zack, I hate Sephiroth. I hate myself.
"I need you Cloud. If you died, I'd die too. You're the only thing keeping me alive, especially now, after all the knowledge I've gained. After all of the things I did."
"Dependence." I watch stars sparkle, how'd they get inside? I remember something like this, looking up at the ceiling and being able to reach out and almost touch the heavens. "Fucking dependence." So close I could touch them. Freezing burning, whatever. "Nothing matters."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing."
"Do you think you deserve to die Cloud?"
Even the stars seem to blink at this, confused and wondering. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I. He didn't love me, never ever ever loved me. No one ever loved me."
"I do."
"Nothing matters."
The silence presses down on me hard and I gasp quietly . . . it /hurts/. I feel my body go into arrest it seems, this squeezing, crushing, breath stealing pain. A groan of anguish escapes my clenched jaw. "It never ends Vincent . . . gods don't you understand the pain never ends . . ."
Silence enshrouds me again . . . and I am dependent on him too. Just to hear him fucking speak is one of the only things I really need. When deprived of these words, his voice, my soul shrivels and convulses. If this silence lasts too long . . . I'll just die from that.
"Zack loved you."
"No, he loved Sephiroth."
A small exhalation. "I don't think he did Cloud. I don't think so at all."
Capillaries burst in my head and I see bright fireworks before my eyes . . . I reach out to touch them but they aren't there. Pictures squeeze into my mind . . . oh why . . . everything is distorted and dizzy, Zack kissing me or holding me or reassuring me again and again and again . . . Zack, sacrificing his own life to save mine. He . . . surely he must have loved me, to do such a thing, to die for me.
"Of course he loved you Cloud."
"But . . . these memories . . . all of these memories, I love . . . I mean Zack loved Sephiroth. With all he had in him."
Vincent fumbles forward a little, obviously eager to keep me talking, anything to keep me thinking, to keep me alive. I don't pay attention to it. "Perhaps. Maybe it was merely your emotions that you felt, and not Zack's."
I shake my head and the stars swirl and spiral in all different directions. "No . . ." Weak and feeble and afraid. What is this? Why I am I always like this . . . just so fucking stupid. Why can't I just accept reality? "No it's not so . . . our emotions were different . . . we both loved Him, but I was powerless and drowning in it. He wasn't."
"If Zack loved him Cloud, don't you think he would have gone to try and instill some form of sanity in him? He rescued you Cloud, was by your side for all those years. Don't squander the life he gave you Cloud."
Vincent ceases to be anything save a voice and some words. Echoing in the dark recesses of the cave. "My life is my own. My death likewise . . . but I do wonder about it." I sit up a little and do not hurt . . . "Do you really think he loved me?"
Vincent nods once, eyes sincere and deep, blood red in the glow of the candle. "I know he did Cloud." He turns and stares at some fixed point.
"How do you know?"
He lifts on shoulder nonchalantly in what might be a shrug. "I just do."
" . . . Did you know this whole time, that Sephiroth never loved me . . ."
He shakes his head, eyes distant, focused far away.
I lie back down and stare at the stalagmites lining the cave. They shimmer with condensation . . . not stars at all, just water. "I thought they were stars . . ." I reach out again to touch.
Vincent looks at me then, a small labored smile on his lips and looks up at the glistening ceiling. "Things are rarely what they seem."
"Things are rarely what they seem . . ." I echo, hands still outstretched to catch whatever water might fall from the heavens. "Things are rarely what they seem." Maybe Zack wasn't what he seemed, maybe even Sephiroth, maybe Vincent. "You seem . . . so cold Vincent. But you aren't are you."
He doesn't answer, maybe even he can't admit that he is only human, prone to fits of love and passion and grieving and death and everything all over again. "People do what they must Cloud, to save themselves."
"From what?" A bright jewel of condensation falls from the ceiling, Mako- green and shimmering. It falls to the floor and disappears.
"From many things. Pain, injustice, rejection . . . truth, would it be the case."
"Do you hide from truth?" I wonder what different minerals make up the rocks in this cave . . . how many years it took to form the layers. How many conversations has this cave witnessed?
"We all do . . . in some way we all do, even me, even you."
I laugh and the sound echoes awkwardly in eddies. "Especially me . . . always something I can't let myself see . . . always something to numb the pain . . ."
Vincent turns to me again very slowly, his eyes blank, but somehow not. "If you hide truth from yourself to numb the pain . . . you've been doing a poor job at that." He gestures to my forehead. "What made you do that Cloud?"
I sigh. "I thought I told you . . . I'm crazy we both know it, but He was here, and He . . . He told me things."
There is a long pause. "What did he tell you?"
I struggle to remember . . . "That . . ." What had I been doing? I'd fallen I remember that much, He caged me in His arms . . . told me . . . what did he tell me? "I don't remember. I feel like it's important."
"He's dead Cloud."
"So was Lucrecia."
He shuts his mouth quickly, and stares at the floor. " . . . try then, to remember. The last words the visage of Lucrecia spoke to me comfort me more than you'll ever know. Perhaps it will be the same for you."
"Or I could slam into a stone wall." I try to remember anyways. Zack and Sephiroth swirling around in a room and yelling and being angry . . . when was that? Some vision . . . when . . . "I saw Zack and Sephiroth . . . from way up high. They were in a room, and Zack was livid, but I couldn't hear what he was saying."
"Sephiroth told you this?"
"No . . . this was . . . later I guess." Vapor forms in my mind, and I see again myself spinning for eternity around that room, watching them . . . still silent. "Sephiroth told me . . . well first I fell." I point to the top of the alcove I was on for some reason, and notice how bloody my knuckles are. "And everything was swirling and crazy . . . I thought maybe it was just another dream . . . dreaming." I must have been dreaming . . . "and he said 'Is there a day that goes by that you don't say that . . .'" The rug looks expensive, antique even. The floor is nothing but painted concrete . . . but the rug is nice. The desk is cherry wood. The bookshelves the same. Both dusty and scratched . . . older probably than even the rug.
" . . . and . . ." I hear Vincent's voice but do not see him.
"Wait . . ." and something clicks in my mind. Something merges . . . finally, it feels like finally I have one mind again. I close my eyes tight and nearly weep . . . there's no way to explain, just what it's like. I have my own memories. Tears escape my eyes and drip onto the rug, it brightens. I run my hand through the tassels at the end, still smooth, but dusty, and I stifle the urge to sneeze. I sit up slowly, to get away from all the dust . . . and Sephiroth is standing there . . . right in front of me . . . but not seeing me at all, no, not at all . . . but I'm not really here am I. He is looking in a different direction. I look behind me, and there stands Zack, hands fists and eyes fire. He breathes hard and the rage in him is electric. I move away, /afraid/ of the raw power there.
"I must be dreaming," Zack says, his voice dangerously soft and full of venom and hatred.
The General gracefully crosses his arms in front of His chest, and stares unflinching in the face of Zack's anger. "Is there a day that goes by when you don't say that?"
Zack's shoulders sag and he glares hard at The General. "Oh come on, give me a break." His voice is louder now, not pleading but exasperated and cruel. "How am I supposed to contend with you, and your aloof fucking attitude. How am I supposed to deal with you taking what I wanted and crushing him? It's just not fucking fair."
I look around . . . "Vincent do you see? Do you see what's happening?" I receive no response, save for Sephiroth, but He is not talking to me, just Zack.
"Perhaps you should try and understand exactly, what the real world is like." He brushes a strand of silver hair away from His face . . . cool and collected, no indication that wrong doing has occurred.
It's not the real world though . . . is it? My thoughts are stifled as Zack bristles visibly, and his hands clench to fists again. "You're a prick Seph. The real world blows, and I thought I might have been able to change it. At least for one person I thought I might have been able to make a difference."
I know what Sephiroth's retort will be . . . He's said it to me before . . . I say the words in unison with Him. "And of course the foolish attitude, as to be expected." He's not dead at all.
"Damn it Seph, why wont you just /listen/ to me! Why do you have to hurt him? Why do you have to hurt /me/? All I ever wanted was to be your friend, Seph, be someone who could love you. And you turn around and stab me in the back. You're nothing but a goddamn self righteous asshole." Zack is rigid and tense, trying to restrain himself from attacking The General.
"Am I?" Sephiroth chuckles a little, mostly to Himself. "It may be my tragic flaw." But it's not funny . . . none of us think so. I can see now, what he's doing. Laughing something off to make it more bearable for Himself . . . what He needs to bear though is beyond me.
"I can't fucking believe you!!" Zack grabs a random paperweight from the desk and throws it hard at Sephiroth, he misses, but The General flinches just barely. "This isn't funny!!! Just try, just for a minute to see that you've completely destroyed him, and by doing so hurt me. You have to at least realize how much time and energy I put into helping you, and regardless of whether or not my efforts were in vain, you should at least have the decency to leave us alone! You don't even realize how much you've hurt him!"
The General's demeanor shifts and He eyes the indentation in the wall where the paperweight struck. This isn't something He can brush aside as He's done in the past . . . this isn't something small that deserves to be forgiven. "I- I didn't intend to."
And Zack stops, he too caught off guard by the blatant honesty and vulnerability displayed before him. Still angry though, always and forever angry. "Then why the fuck did you /do/ that?"
Sephiroth's eyes grow unfocussed and He is contemplating . . . and confused somehow. After a long silence, interrupted only by Zack's heavy breathing He says, "Because I wanted to."
Zack throws his hands up and runs them violently through his hair. His fingers quiver and I can tell he wants nothing more than the security of his sword in his hands, or Sephiroth's neck trapped in his grip. "Yeah well . . . sometimes it's not about what you want, Seph." He still has the presence of mind to argue, to deliberate . . . it's what made him a SOLDIER.
The Zack takes a step away, a terrified step back, and I look up and Sephiroth has tears shining bright in His eyes. I too move away, scramble farther into the corner I've put myself in. "I'm so sorry," He says, gently lowering His face to His hands. "I really didn't mean to."
I look back at Zack, his left foot placed behind him as if to run away. Tears well up in Zack's eyes as well but he brushes them aside hastily, irritated. "You know he won't even look at me now, he /loves/ you Seph, so much more than I ever did, and that's saying a lot.
"I know . . ." Sephiroth mutters quietly, face still hidden.
Zack's jaw hardens and he takes a deliberate step forward, reestablishing his presence, his position. "Hey . . . .Seph?"
"What."
Zack swallows hard and stares at a corner of the rug. "I don't think I can forgive you this time." The silence and the stillness are thick and heavy, suffocating. Zack offers The General a half glance, and Sephiroth is staring at him, lips slightly parted. "Don't act so shocked . . . you had to have known this would come sooner or later."
Sephiroth does not move. "I didn't know."
"Then you are blind and hopeless." Zack turns away from Him, Sephiroth's expression clearly too much for him to handle. And I know Zack would cave . . . were Sephiroth to break down and beg and plead for forgiveness, Zack would forgive Him in a heartbeat . . . but The General is too prideful for His own good and He stands quietly, shock etched on every line of his countenance.
"You are the only person who ever meant anything to me." He still stares at Zack, hardly breathing, hardly moving.
Zack clenches his jaw harder and squares his shoulders. "I can't forgive you . . . not after what you did to Cloud when you /knew/ I was in love with the poor kid. It's your problem Seph, you are too dependent on me and too prideful to realize that some of your little underlings are important too, maybe even worthy of your company, friendship, or even love. You think you're too good to love anyone else."
I whisper the words with Him again, now knowing what they mean, who they were intended for. "You're wrong . . ."
Zack turns to face Him again, realization dawning in his mind. "Oh fuck . . . you- you still want him don't you?" They both look so confused and distressed and pained.
" . . . I do." Sephiroth puts his face in His hands again, does not move.
"Shit Seph, I . . ." Zack trails off, and I see the conflict in his eyes. He half wants to be the martyr, half wants to surrender both Sephiroth and me, so we might find happiness in each other. But then he realizes if he did that, he would be alone, never have anyone, at least not the way we had Sephiroth or the way he had me. And his expression hardens and turns malicious towards Sephiroth. And I know what Zack thinks . . . //If this is just some passing fancy or fling he wants to have it would just /kill/ Cloud the second Seph decided he's tired of it.// "I-I can't let you have him. He is /mine/ and I worked hard to give him strength and confidence. I'm not just gonna give him to you so you can fuck with his mind and body. I /absolutely/ refuse. I refuse to be alone and I refuse to let you hurt us anymore." Zack turns away before he can gauge Sephiroth's reaction, and stands there with his arms crossed. And I can see Sephiroth in my mind's eye, even as I stare at Zack. I see The General's hate or deceit, shock, dismay, some emotion that he probably has never experienced in a long time. And Zack finally turns around to see, to see what the man he loved is doing. And I turn too to look at my angel . . . but He is gone. Never made a sound, just left Zack there, and the three of us might as well have died right then . . .
" . . . I see now . . . so that's how it happened."
I shake my head hard and look around. The room fades quickly, some room at Nibelheim . . . one of the bedrooms. But it is gone now, and here is my cave again, and Sephiroth and Zack are gone, just Vincent here now. "He . . . He loved both of us, didn't He."
Vincent nods, a sad smile on his lips. "Sephiroth fell in love with you Cloud, and was so confused by it that he didn't know how to react while he was with you. When he learned that he could have neither you nor Zack . . . well it may have been too much. That may have been what pushed him over the edge."
I lay back. Try to take everything all in. Everything pieces itself together . . . "Sephiroth did come to me . . . He tried to tell me what happened, but I didn't understand . . . I thought He was telling me that I was wicked, for loving you Vincent." Vincent smiles again . . . he's been smiling more and more. "He showed me all these different things . . . but I never was able to work them out together. He loved me . . . He really really did, not for long but He did."
"Come here Cloud."
I scramble to my feet, feeling fifteen again and crawl to Vincent's side. I cry slow tears as Vincent embraces me, both of us heedless of his claw. "He came to me Vincent . . . to tell me He loved me. He came here . . ."
Vincent does not say anything, simply clutches me tight, his metal fingers boring uncomfortably into my skin, but I barely notice . . . I mourn again . . . and plague my mind with questions . . . wonder what would have happened if Sephiroth had begged, or if Zack had gone after Him, or if I had known somehow, and could have stopped both of them. I fall asleep after the candle dies . . . and I am afraid of what I might dream.
A/N: Hello everyone again.sorry for the delay with this chapter. This still isn't the end. If you are confused, or even if you aren't I suggest you read chapter the chapter labeled chapter 9 or at least the scene when Sephiroth allegedly visits Cloud. Also please review . . . it'd be badass if I got one hundred. Thanks again. Please feel free to email me and yell or ask questions.
Whatever tangent I am on spirals too, and the colors that are not there at all turn darker. And Sephiroth speaks to me. "You were in SOLDIER 1st class and you didn't even know that?" And it doesn't make sense these voices . . . Sephiroth never said that to me, He spoke to Zack. And Zack and Aeris . . . both speak to me but convey nothing to me. I sob again and try to leave, try to get away from the near tangible swell of emotions and voices and terror. And then some unknown voice descends upon me, it does not sneak from behind me or recede or run away. It presses down upon me like a demi spell and I am nearly crushed. "I love you." And it lifts immediately and the waves leave me and I am lying on the floor of a cave and it is still dark. "W-what did you just say?" I open my eyes and the pain is confined only to the bridge of my nose. I hardly notice it. And Vincent's palms are pressed near my eyes, healing me, and I can see the blisters already forming on his human hand and fingers from casting too many spells. And he looks down at me, guilt in his eyes but does not withdraw his hands.
He bows his head. "You heard me."
Never lacking eloquence except for now. "I-I don't think I did."
He withdraws his hands then and refuses to look me in the eye. "Sephiroth may not have loved you but--"
"But how do you /know/ that!!" I sit up too quickly and my head swims and my vision waivers, but my anger is steadfast.
"I found at least this much before my own quest consumed me. Here, I will read it to you, and I know it hurts, Cloud, but please . . . listen." I watch silently as he selects one of the several journals he brought back with him. He holds the book close to the candle and I watch the inky words illuminate with yellow light, and listen silently and patiently as Vincent begins to read. "'Specimen C continues to be influenced by Jenova infusions. His metabolism has increased by fifteen percent and his strength, endurance, and overall physical performance has also increased incrementally. Side effects are similar to those of previous specimens, including: delirium, sweating, nightmares, and tremors. Specimen Z, however, has had no response, neither positive nor negative, towards the infusions. All aspects of the specimen's being have remained the same. Rather than terminate the specimen, I believe I will teach it a lesson for meddling in things that ought not to have been meddled with. I once vowed that the First Specimen belonged only to me, and that should anyone else claim him they would face consequences. Being a man of my word, specimen Z will most certainly suffer for undoing much of what years of training had accomplished. The fate of my original specimen came as a hard loss for me; however, due to specimen Z's continued interference, the original became stubborn, insubordinate, malicious, and even dangerous. Termination was imminent, but it could have been avoided if not for that maddeningly obnoxious SOLDIER. I will take special measures to make sure it feels nothing but pain . . .'" He stops reading and I let everything sink in. Of course I could contest it; there is nothing there that actually confirms anything. But I can't delude myself again, not like this. Sephiroth told Zack everything, about the lab and the experiments, and Zack fought for Him . . . Zack made Him believe that He was more than just a rat or a specimen, and Hojo tortured him for it. I truly was just another pawn . . .
"Oh . . . fuck." I lie back down and feel sick to my stomach. Vincent seizes my hand with his claw and places his human hand on my forehead; healing me one last time . . . I don't feel any pain in my head anymore, at least not physically. "Gods . . . why?"
"Cloud . . . please. At least now you know that you haven't betrayed Sephiroth. You were his enemy and not his friend. You didn't do anything to hurt him, Cloud. You merely did what you had to."
I can't breathe and I can't panic. I feel poisonous, like my blood is full of mercury. I feel so heavy and toxic and terrible. Why am I alive . . . gods why? "It was me that time. It's been all I've thought about since I remembered. I know it was me. We were at Nibelheim. I've never been more certain of anything in my life."
His voice is sympathetic. "Cloud, that doesn't mean anything. You said so yourself that it was often Sephiroth would have a cadet share his bed. If it really did happen, you can't expect it to have meant anything to him . . . you did nothing to betray him."
"Didn't I?" I am conscious of a large part of my mind shutting down. And I think of all those times I had to restrain myself and berate myself for doing things that would betray Him further. But He used me, He never loved me, never wanted me, never thought of me as anything but a body and pawn. I never experienced what it was like to be loved by Him. I guess . . . I guess I haven't experienced much . . . Zack had everything and I had nothing. I should have known that I wouldn't be so lucky. That my life was pointless and wishful and stupid. I should have known that I'm not worthy of His love. And He never came to see me, I'm just crazy. People can't come back from the dead, no matter how much we want them to. "So what was it all for?"
He does not answer immediately, even though I expect him to. "All this? All your turmoil and suffering?" He scoffs. "I have yet to understand that. What is any of it for? Why must we suffer so?"
"No . . ." I say and touch my lips, they feel numb. "Suffering is a choice. We both made it. I never had to worry about it . . . I mean us. I never had to fucking run into a wall, or be cautious. I could have kissed you that night by the river. It wouldn't have mattered. And if you had kissed me goodbye before you left, that wouldn't have mattered either."
His claw grows slack from around my palm.
I open my eyes and look at him. "I think you're beautiful . . . maybe I would have been able to love you, had the circumstances been different. Maybe you could kiss me goodbye now?" Static in my head.
"But you're not going anywhere." His grip tightens again. "And neither am I. We can stay here."
I sigh and close my eyes. "I do love you Vincent . . . I wouldn't mind staying here, but I have my answer now. I can't live any longer. I just can't."
"Cloud, please don't say such things."
"Did you say you loved me? I heard you say it . . . did you mean it?" I open my eyes again and he nods slowly.
"It is a strange love. But it is there, I love you."
Memories play in my head like a broken record. "What does it mean to you . . . what do you mean when you say this." I smile as one of the memories that isn't mine sounds over and over in my head. It's not even bittersweet. I hate it. I hate Zack, I hate Sephiroth. I hate myself.
"I need you Cloud. If you died, I'd die too. You're the only thing keeping me alive, especially now, after all the knowledge I've gained. After all of the things I did."
"Dependence." I watch stars sparkle, how'd they get inside? I remember something like this, looking up at the ceiling and being able to reach out and almost touch the heavens. "Fucking dependence." So close I could touch them. Freezing burning, whatever. "Nothing matters."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing."
"Do you think you deserve to die Cloud?"
Even the stars seem to blink at this, confused and wondering. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I. He didn't love me, never ever ever loved me. No one ever loved me."
"I do."
"Nothing matters."
The silence presses down on me hard and I gasp quietly . . . it /hurts/. I feel my body go into arrest it seems, this squeezing, crushing, breath stealing pain. A groan of anguish escapes my clenched jaw. "It never ends Vincent . . . gods don't you understand the pain never ends . . ."
Silence enshrouds me again . . . and I am dependent on him too. Just to hear him fucking speak is one of the only things I really need. When deprived of these words, his voice, my soul shrivels and convulses. If this silence lasts too long . . . I'll just die from that.
"Zack loved you."
"No, he loved Sephiroth."
A small exhalation. "I don't think he did Cloud. I don't think so at all."
Capillaries burst in my head and I see bright fireworks before my eyes . . . I reach out to touch them but they aren't there. Pictures squeeze into my mind . . . oh why . . . everything is distorted and dizzy, Zack kissing me or holding me or reassuring me again and again and again . . . Zack, sacrificing his own life to save mine. He . . . surely he must have loved me, to do such a thing, to die for me.
"Of course he loved you Cloud."
"But . . . these memories . . . all of these memories, I love . . . I mean Zack loved Sephiroth. With all he had in him."
Vincent fumbles forward a little, obviously eager to keep me talking, anything to keep me thinking, to keep me alive. I don't pay attention to it. "Perhaps. Maybe it was merely your emotions that you felt, and not Zack's."
I shake my head and the stars swirl and spiral in all different directions. "No . . ." Weak and feeble and afraid. What is this? Why I am I always like this . . . just so fucking stupid. Why can't I just accept reality? "No it's not so . . . our emotions were different . . . we both loved Him, but I was powerless and drowning in it. He wasn't."
"If Zack loved him Cloud, don't you think he would have gone to try and instill some form of sanity in him? He rescued you Cloud, was by your side for all those years. Don't squander the life he gave you Cloud."
Vincent ceases to be anything save a voice and some words. Echoing in the dark recesses of the cave. "My life is my own. My death likewise . . . but I do wonder about it." I sit up a little and do not hurt . . . "Do you really think he loved me?"
Vincent nods once, eyes sincere and deep, blood red in the glow of the candle. "I know he did Cloud." He turns and stares at some fixed point.
"How do you know?"
He lifts on shoulder nonchalantly in what might be a shrug. "I just do."
" . . . Did you know this whole time, that Sephiroth never loved me . . ."
He shakes his head, eyes distant, focused far away.
I lie back down and stare at the stalagmites lining the cave. They shimmer with condensation . . . not stars at all, just water. "I thought they were stars . . ." I reach out again to touch.
Vincent looks at me then, a small labored smile on his lips and looks up at the glistening ceiling. "Things are rarely what they seem."
"Things are rarely what they seem . . ." I echo, hands still outstretched to catch whatever water might fall from the heavens. "Things are rarely what they seem." Maybe Zack wasn't what he seemed, maybe even Sephiroth, maybe Vincent. "You seem . . . so cold Vincent. But you aren't are you."
He doesn't answer, maybe even he can't admit that he is only human, prone to fits of love and passion and grieving and death and everything all over again. "People do what they must Cloud, to save themselves."
"From what?" A bright jewel of condensation falls from the ceiling, Mako- green and shimmering. It falls to the floor and disappears.
"From many things. Pain, injustice, rejection . . . truth, would it be the case."
"Do you hide from truth?" I wonder what different minerals make up the rocks in this cave . . . how many years it took to form the layers. How many conversations has this cave witnessed?
"We all do . . . in some way we all do, even me, even you."
I laugh and the sound echoes awkwardly in eddies. "Especially me . . . always something I can't let myself see . . . always something to numb the pain . . ."
Vincent turns to me again very slowly, his eyes blank, but somehow not. "If you hide truth from yourself to numb the pain . . . you've been doing a poor job at that." He gestures to my forehead. "What made you do that Cloud?"
I sigh. "I thought I told you . . . I'm crazy we both know it, but He was here, and He . . . He told me things."
There is a long pause. "What did he tell you?"
I struggle to remember . . . "That . . ." What had I been doing? I'd fallen I remember that much, He caged me in His arms . . . told me . . . what did he tell me? "I don't remember. I feel like it's important."
"He's dead Cloud."
"So was Lucrecia."
He shuts his mouth quickly, and stares at the floor. " . . . try then, to remember. The last words the visage of Lucrecia spoke to me comfort me more than you'll ever know. Perhaps it will be the same for you."
"Or I could slam into a stone wall." I try to remember anyways. Zack and Sephiroth swirling around in a room and yelling and being angry . . . when was that? Some vision . . . when . . . "I saw Zack and Sephiroth . . . from way up high. They were in a room, and Zack was livid, but I couldn't hear what he was saying."
"Sephiroth told you this?"
"No . . . this was . . . later I guess." Vapor forms in my mind, and I see again myself spinning for eternity around that room, watching them . . . still silent. "Sephiroth told me . . . well first I fell." I point to the top of the alcove I was on for some reason, and notice how bloody my knuckles are. "And everything was swirling and crazy . . . I thought maybe it was just another dream . . . dreaming." I must have been dreaming . . . "and he said 'Is there a day that goes by that you don't say that . . .'" The rug looks expensive, antique even. The floor is nothing but painted concrete . . . but the rug is nice. The desk is cherry wood. The bookshelves the same. Both dusty and scratched . . . older probably than even the rug.
" . . . and . . ." I hear Vincent's voice but do not see him.
"Wait . . ." and something clicks in my mind. Something merges . . . finally, it feels like finally I have one mind again. I close my eyes tight and nearly weep . . . there's no way to explain, just what it's like. I have my own memories. Tears escape my eyes and drip onto the rug, it brightens. I run my hand through the tassels at the end, still smooth, but dusty, and I stifle the urge to sneeze. I sit up slowly, to get away from all the dust . . . and Sephiroth is standing there . . . right in front of me . . . but not seeing me at all, no, not at all . . . but I'm not really here am I. He is looking in a different direction. I look behind me, and there stands Zack, hands fists and eyes fire. He breathes hard and the rage in him is electric. I move away, /afraid/ of the raw power there.
"I must be dreaming," Zack says, his voice dangerously soft and full of venom and hatred.
The General gracefully crosses his arms in front of His chest, and stares unflinching in the face of Zack's anger. "Is there a day that goes by when you don't say that?"
Zack's shoulders sag and he glares hard at The General. "Oh come on, give me a break." His voice is louder now, not pleading but exasperated and cruel. "How am I supposed to contend with you, and your aloof fucking attitude. How am I supposed to deal with you taking what I wanted and crushing him? It's just not fucking fair."
I look around . . . "Vincent do you see? Do you see what's happening?" I receive no response, save for Sephiroth, but He is not talking to me, just Zack.
"Perhaps you should try and understand exactly, what the real world is like." He brushes a strand of silver hair away from His face . . . cool and collected, no indication that wrong doing has occurred.
It's not the real world though . . . is it? My thoughts are stifled as Zack bristles visibly, and his hands clench to fists again. "You're a prick Seph. The real world blows, and I thought I might have been able to change it. At least for one person I thought I might have been able to make a difference."
I know what Sephiroth's retort will be . . . He's said it to me before . . . I say the words in unison with Him. "And of course the foolish attitude, as to be expected." He's not dead at all.
"Damn it Seph, why wont you just /listen/ to me! Why do you have to hurt him? Why do you have to hurt /me/? All I ever wanted was to be your friend, Seph, be someone who could love you. And you turn around and stab me in the back. You're nothing but a goddamn self righteous asshole." Zack is rigid and tense, trying to restrain himself from attacking The General.
"Am I?" Sephiroth chuckles a little, mostly to Himself. "It may be my tragic flaw." But it's not funny . . . none of us think so. I can see now, what he's doing. Laughing something off to make it more bearable for Himself . . . what He needs to bear though is beyond me.
"I can't fucking believe you!!" Zack grabs a random paperweight from the desk and throws it hard at Sephiroth, he misses, but The General flinches just barely. "This isn't funny!!! Just try, just for a minute to see that you've completely destroyed him, and by doing so hurt me. You have to at least realize how much time and energy I put into helping you, and regardless of whether or not my efforts were in vain, you should at least have the decency to leave us alone! You don't even realize how much you've hurt him!"
The General's demeanor shifts and He eyes the indentation in the wall where the paperweight struck. This isn't something He can brush aside as He's done in the past . . . this isn't something small that deserves to be forgiven. "I- I didn't intend to."
And Zack stops, he too caught off guard by the blatant honesty and vulnerability displayed before him. Still angry though, always and forever angry. "Then why the fuck did you /do/ that?"
Sephiroth's eyes grow unfocussed and He is contemplating . . . and confused somehow. After a long silence, interrupted only by Zack's heavy breathing He says, "Because I wanted to."
Zack throws his hands up and runs them violently through his hair. His fingers quiver and I can tell he wants nothing more than the security of his sword in his hands, or Sephiroth's neck trapped in his grip. "Yeah well . . . sometimes it's not about what you want, Seph." He still has the presence of mind to argue, to deliberate . . . it's what made him a SOLDIER.
The Zack takes a step away, a terrified step back, and I look up and Sephiroth has tears shining bright in His eyes. I too move away, scramble farther into the corner I've put myself in. "I'm so sorry," He says, gently lowering His face to His hands. "I really didn't mean to."
I look back at Zack, his left foot placed behind him as if to run away. Tears well up in Zack's eyes as well but he brushes them aside hastily, irritated. "You know he won't even look at me now, he /loves/ you Seph, so much more than I ever did, and that's saying a lot.
"I know . . ." Sephiroth mutters quietly, face still hidden.
Zack's jaw hardens and he takes a deliberate step forward, reestablishing his presence, his position. "Hey . . . .Seph?"
"What."
Zack swallows hard and stares at a corner of the rug. "I don't think I can forgive you this time." The silence and the stillness are thick and heavy, suffocating. Zack offers The General a half glance, and Sephiroth is staring at him, lips slightly parted. "Don't act so shocked . . . you had to have known this would come sooner or later."
Sephiroth does not move. "I didn't know."
"Then you are blind and hopeless." Zack turns away from Him, Sephiroth's expression clearly too much for him to handle. And I know Zack would cave . . . were Sephiroth to break down and beg and plead for forgiveness, Zack would forgive Him in a heartbeat . . . but The General is too prideful for His own good and He stands quietly, shock etched on every line of his countenance.
"You are the only person who ever meant anything to me." He still stares at Zack, hardly breathing, hardly moving.
Zack clenches his jaw harder and squares his shoulders. "I can't forgive you . . . not after what you did to Cloud when you /knew/ I was in love with the poor kid. It's your problem Seph, you are too dependent on me and too prideful to realize that some of your little underlings are important too, maybe even worthy of your company, friendship, or even love. You think you're too good to love anyone else."
I whisper the words with Him again, now knowing what they mean, who they were intended for. "You're wrong . . ."
Zack turns to face Him again, realization dawning in his mind. "Oh fuck . . . you- you still want him don't you?" They both look so confused and distressed and pained.
" . . . I do." Sephiroth puts his face in His hands again, does not move.
"Shit Seph, I . . ." Zack trails off, and I see the conflict in his eyes. He half wants to be the martyr, half wants to surrender both Sephiroth and me, so we might find happiness in each other. But then he realizes if he did that, he would be alone, never have anyone, at least not the way we had Sephiroth or the way he had me. And his expression hardens and turns malicious towards Sephiroth. And I know what Zack thinks . . . //If this is just some passing fancy or fling he wants to have it would just /kill/ Cloud the second Seph decided he's tired of it.// "I-I can't let you have him. He is /mine/ and I worked hard to give him strength and confidence. I'm not just gonna give him to you so you can fuck with his mind and body. I /absolutely/ refuse. I refuse to be alone and I refuse to let you hurt us anymore." Zack turns away before he can gauge Sephiroth's reaction, and stands there with his arms crossed. And I can see Sephiroth in my mind's eye, even as I stare at Zack. I see The General's hate or deceit, shock, dismay, some emotion that he probably has never experienced in a long time. And Zack finally turns around to see, to see what the man he loved is doing. And I turn too to look at my angel . . . but He is gone. Never made a sound, just left Zack there, and the three of us might as well have died right then . . .
" . . . I see now . . . so that's how it happened."
I shake my head hard and look around. The room fades quickly, some room at Nibelheim . . . one of the bedrooms. But it is gone now, and here is my cave again, and Sephiroth and Zack are gone, just Vincent here now. "He . . . He loved both of us, didn't He."
Vincent nods, a sad smile on his lips. "Sephiroth fell in love with you Cloud, and was so confused by it that he didn't know how to react while he was with you. When he learned that he could have neither you nor Zack . . . well it may have been too much. That may have been what pushed him over the edge."
I lay back. Try to take everything all in. Everything pieces itself together . . . "Sephiroth did come to me . . . He tried to tell me what happened, but I didn't understand . . . I thought He was telling me that I was wicked, for loving you Vincent." Vincent smiles again . . . he's been smiling more and more. "He showed me all these different things . . . but I never was able to work them out together. He loved me . . . He really really did, not for long but He did."
"Come here Cloud."
I scramble to my feet, feeling fifteen again and crawl to Vincent's side. I cry slow tears as Vincent embraces me, both of us heedless of his claw. "He came to me Vincent . . . to tell me He loved me. He came here . . ."
Vincent does not say anything, simply clutches me tight, his metal fingers boring uncomfortably into my skin, but I barely notice . . . I mourn again . . . and plague my mind with questions . . . wonder what would have happened if Sephiroth had begged, or if Zack had gone after Him, or if I had known somehow, and could have stopped both of them. I fall asleep after the candle dies . . . and I am afraid of what I might dream.
A/N: Hello everyone again.sorry for the delay with this chapter. This still isn't the end. If you are confused, or even if you aren't I suggest you read chapter the chapter labeled chapter 9 or at least the scene when Sephiroth allegedly visits Cloud. Also please review . . . it'd be badass if I got one hundred. Thanks again. Please feel free to email me and yell or ask questions.