Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Rated R for adult themes and references to rape.
Author's Note – This is simply my interpretation of Buffy's reaction to Spike attempting to rape her in the episode "Seeing Red". Takes place just after the attempt. I have no idea what prompted me to write this. No idea at all.
Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.
In Times To Come
by Ghost Helwig
If she hadn't been the slayer, things would've gone so differently.
He would've raped her. Buffy knew that, without a doubt. He would've raped her, stuck himself inside her, made her bleed, made her cry. She would've been unclean, because of him. And now...
Spike had run, after she'd kicked him off. He'd run and left her there, huddling on her bathroom floor, wondering where all the warmth in the world had gone. Was this what her friends had resurrected her for? To be violated by him, by someone she trusted? Was this her reward for being a hero, for saving the world, for sacrificing everything, even her own life?
If this was her prize, she'd rather lose the game.
In time, Xander would find her, would discover her dirty little secret. In time, she would trust Spike again - never completely, oh no, he'd done too much for that, but she would still grow to trust him once more, for in time, he would earn it.
But all Buffy knew, in that moment of betrayal, was that she was alone.
It was a lesson taught by the isolation of being the slayer, a lesson driven home by the experience of having died but not being dead anymore (the only person in the world who could make such a claim), a hard lesson that she knew very, very well. In the end, though others depended on her, Buffy Summers had only herself to depend on.
Which was hardly fair, hardly right – but what in the entire world was fair, or right?
Was it right for her to be here, on her knees? Was it fair that Spike had almost overpowered her, almost raped her? If she had been born a normal girl, if he had not been a vampire, would it have been fair or right that he would've won? Because she knew he would have. If they'd been normal, she would've lost, another girl at the mercy of another boy.
Would that have been right? Would that have been fair?
Her eyes were wet, but she did not quite cry. Another girl, a normal girl, might have, Buffy thought, but she was no more normal than Spike was human. She looked it, acted it, but she wasn't really.
And she kept coming back to that, kept gnawing at it. If things had been different, he would've raped her. Because even as the slayer, the chosen one, the hero, he nearly had.
She'd been betrayed many times in her young life – by Faith, by Riley who left her, by Giles who tricked her, by Xander who had undermined her relationship with Angel every chance he had. But this... Buffy could not accept this, or grasp it. Because every other time the betrayals had been – well, not always unprovoked, but undeserved. But this...
Had she earned this, by playing with Spike's emotions, by sleeping with him when she knew he was in love with her and she didn't return his affection? Had she done something so wrong that destiny balanced the scales by scaring her out of her wits and reminding her that even she was not all-powerful, even she was not safe?
Did she deserve this?
Then, suddenly, for no reason at all, she thought of Dawn.
Beloved brat. What would she tell Dawn about this? For she knew when Dawn was older she would have to tell her. Would she tell her that a rape could be earned, that if you hurt a boy he had every right to take your body?
No. Pure foolishness. She had done nothing, and Spike...
Spike had nearly done everything.
In time, she would forgive him, though time would not be enough to make her forget. But at that moment...
She cursed Spike's name.
And it comforted her, just a little.