Chapter 5: Con todo mi amor
Lourdes had just finished sealing the envelope.
"B-12," she read aloud as she arrived at the bright building. She always loved this part of the city; right near Central Park. It was so calm and peaceful. The park looked a completely different world from the rest of the city: it was like this little isle of paradise. She sighed as she looked into the building.
She had only met Lenny one or two times, and it had been very brief, but she liked what she saw. He was a handsome young man: tall, built, dark hair, dark eyes, and seemed reasonably nice, as well. It was the icing on the cake that he lived in a large apartment with wealthy parents, unlike her own son, who lived with parents who struggled to pay the rent every month.
"Mi hijo," she sighed again, wiping back tears. She knew that Walter had done the wrong thing by kicking him out, but she didn't know where to go, or what to do. All she knew was that she was going to the Bronx for a while to live with her friend, Ceci. As much as she did love Walter, she could not love a man who would abandon his own child at the expense of his ego.
The letter in her hand crumpled in her tense grip, as she greeted the doorman.
"Please make sure this gets to Angel Schunard. He is staying with Lenny Costales, in B-12," she told him, trying as much as possible to hide her thick Peruvian accent.
"Will do, ma'am. Have a nice night." The doorman dismissed her with a smile.
She left the building hearing the words she wrote to her son playing like a broken record in her mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Querido Angel,
I'm so sorry I had to do this to you. There are things you do not know about my past, and things you do not want to know. I must tell you that it was your father who forced you to leave, not me. I love you with all of my heart, and I thought I was dying when you walked out that door. I felt like you were dying too, my son.
You remember Uncle Angel, who you were named after? He was gay, hijo, just like you, and he died when you were seven. We always told you he had cancer, but that is not the truth. He had AIDS, Angel. A very, very early case of AIDS. This was before we even knew what this disease was called. Some people called it "gay cancer," but I just knew it as the monster that killed my brother.
I love my brother very much, and every time I look into your eyes, I see him. I named you after him in hopes that you would be as beautiful as he was, and you are, baby, you are. You're more than everything I've ever wanted in a son, and I love you with all of my heart.
Your father is scared. I know he loves you, and you know that, too. He's difficult to live with sometimes, we both know that well. Dios mio, niño, we both know how hard he can be sometimes. He's afraid that you will die, just like my brother did. As you were leaving tonight, he told me he will not watch you die from being gay. He thought that by kicking you out of the house, he was making it all better, so he wouldn't have to watch his only son die. I would tell you he did this to you out of love, but I know how hard that is to believe. Even I have trouble believing it.
I'll be staying with Ceci in the Bronx for a while. I have left your father. I love him, and you know I do, but I cannot live with a man who treats his son the way your Papi treats you. Believe me, though, hijo, he thinks about you all the time and he truly does care for you.
I don't know when I'll see you again. I'm afraid that it may be entirely too long, but you need to know that I love you with every fiber of my being, and every time I look in the mirror, I see you, my son, my Angel. I hope you love me too, and I know in my heart you do.
I hope that staying with this boy works out for you. You may love differently than your father and I, but I hope that you have happiness and luck with love. You deserve it, you are amazing. I love you so much, and I'm so sorry. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me.
Con todo mi amor,
Tu Mami.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She looked up at the sky that night, and prayed to Jesus that her son would be happy and healthy through all of his days. She wiped away her icicle tears and walked down to the subway station.
Lourdes had just finished sealing the envelope.
"B-12," she read aloud as she arrived at the bright building. She always loved this part of the city; right near Central Park. It was so calm and peaceful. The park looked a completely different world from the rest of the city: it was like this little isle of paradise. She sighed as she looked into the building.
She had only met Lenny one or two times, and it had been very brief, but she liked what she saw. He was a handsome young man: tall, built, dark hair, dark eyes, and seemed reasonably nice, as well. It was the icing on the cake that he lived in a large apartment with wealthy parents, unlike her own son, who lived with parents who struggled to pay the rent every month.
"Mi hijo," she sighed again, wiping back tears. She knew that Walter had done the wrong thing by kicking him out, but she didn't know where to go, or what to do. All she knew was that she was going to the Bronx for a while to live with her friend, Ceci. As much as she did love Walter, she could not love a man who would abandon his own child at the expense of his ego.
The letter in her hand crumpled in her tense grip, as she greeted the doorman.
"Please make sure this gets to Angel Schunard. He is staying with Lenny Costales, in B-12," she told him, trying as much as possible to hide her thick Peruvian accent.
"Will do, ma'am. Have a nice night." The doorman dismissed her with a smile.
She left the building hearing the words she wrote to her son playing like a broken record in her mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Querido Angel,
I'm so sorry I had to do this to you. There are things you do not know about my past, and things you do not want to know. I must tell you that it was your father who forced you to leave, not me. I love you with all of my heart, and I thought I was dying when you walked out that door. I felt like you were dying too, my son.
You remember Uncle Angel, who you were named after? He was gay, hijo, just like you, and he died when you were seven. We always told you he had cancer, but that is not the truth. He had AIDS, Angel. A very, very early case of AIDS. This was before we even knew what this disease was called. Some people called it "gay cancer," but I just knew it as the monster that killed my brother.
I love my brother very much, and every time I look into your eyes, I see him. I named you after him in hopes that you would be as beautiful as he was, and you are, baby, you are. You're more than everything I've ever wanted in a son, and I love you with all of my heart.
Your father is scared. I know he loves you, and you know that, too. He's difficult to live with sometimes, we both know that well. Dios mio, niño, we both know how hard he can be sometimes. He's afraid that you will die, just like my brother did. As you were leaving tonight, he told me he will not watch you die from being gay. He thought that by kicking you out of the house, he was making it all better, so he wouldn't have to watch his only son die. I would tell you he did this to you out of love, but I know how hard that is to believe. Even I have trouble believing it.
I'll be staying with Ceci in the Bronx for a while. I have left your father. I love him, and you know I do, but I cannot live with a man who treats his son the way your Papi treats you. Believe me, though, hijo, he thinks about you all the time and he truly does care for you.
I don't know when I'll see you again. I'm afraid that it may be entirely too long, but you need to know that I love you with every fiber of my being, and every time I look in the mirror, I see you, my son, my Angel. I hope you love me too, and I know in my heart you do.
I hope that staying with this boy works out for you. You may love differently than your father and I, but I hope that you have happiness and luck with love. You deserve it, you are amazing. I love you so much, and I'm so sorry. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me.
Con todo mi amor,
Tu Mami.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She looked up at the sky that night, and prayed to Jesus that her son would be happy and healthy through all of his days. She wiped away her icicle tears and walked down to the subway station.