Chapter 12: The Absence of God
While walking out of the hospital, angry tears stinging his eyes, Angel looked down on the street, and found a crumpled bill next to a reeking garbage can. Curious, he went over to the can, ignoring the rancid scent, and picked up the bill. Twenty dollars.
"Thank you," he spoke relief, "At least something is in my favor. I knew Mami was watching over me," he smiled, shoving the bill into his pocket and walking briskly down the street.
The afternoon spring air swirled around him, making him shiver and button up his coat. While putting down his bags, his coat got caught on something. Looking down, he saw a small golden cross on his bag. Mami was very religious, and she wore a gold cross all the time. She would put the dull, gold crosses on her luggage as well, so she could distinguish which bags were hers. The crosses reminded him of when he and Mami would go to church every Sunday, and how she had told him to pray to Jesus every night. If he prayed to Jesus, she used to say, he would live a long, happy, healthy life. "Jesus fucked me over," he mumbled, as he continued walking.
Right next to Lola's chicken was an empty, run down lot. Normally, Angel wouldn't have even noticed the burned out lot, but today, something caught his eye. In an effort to escape the chilling winds, he ducked into the vacancy between the two tall apartment buildings to go investigate the shiny, eye-catching glimmer. As he got closer, he realized it was a mini- shrine to someone. Fake flowers surrounded the shimmering cross, with a rosary in front of it. Someone must have died in the fire that made this empty lot. Suddenly, Angel got an eerie feeling, as he pulled his coat closer to his thin body.
After entrancingly staring at the cross for a few minutes, Angel knelt down, and began to pray.
"We need to have a little chat," he said, as he looked straight into the cross, seeing his own reflection in the shiny metal.
"Jesus," he began, feeling awkward about talking to God without Mami being there to encourage him. He sighed, and continued.
"I know I've committed a 'sin' by being gay, or whatever, but I can't, nor will I ever, apologize for it. At least I'm honest with myself. Since when is that a sin?
"You took Lenny from me. How the hell could you do that? You're probably looking down at me now from your heavenly throne, thinking about how you can make me even more miserable. I love Lenny! I'm in love with him, and it is NOT fair that we had to be separated. Is this your idea of a cruel joke? Let me tell you something, oh heavenly father, I'm not laughing.
"So you took Lenny from me. That sucks, and it makes me want to scream, and cry, and break up every other happy couple that ever lived so they could feel my pain for just one second. But I can deal with that. I can go on without Lenny, as hard as it may seem, but not without Mami," he paused, then smacked the charred earth beneath him.
"FUCK YOU! You stole my fucking mother and boyfriend, and you took everything that ever meant anything to me away. First Lenny, now Mami. What's next?" he paused, laughing bitterly, "Who's left?"
"What did I do to deserve this? Seriously, what did I do that was incredibly horrible that I deserved to be alone? I'm not a bad person!" he yelled, then quieted down. Mami's voice echoed in his head. "Today for you, tomorrow for me."
"What the hell did she mean? Her fucking dying words to me, and I don't even know what she means. Once again, are you fucking with me? See? I'm not laughing. IT'S NOT FUNNY," he stopped abruptly, listening to his voice bounce off the brick walls that surrounded him.
Angrily wiping the tears away from his eyes, he continued softly, "I love them both. Lenny and Mami. I know Mami's watching over me, and if she's not, don't tell me that. I need to keep thinking this way to survive.alone. Please, let Lenny know I love him. I know we won't be together again, but tell him I love him with all my heart. God, I can't apologize for who I am. If I've disappointed you, then it's just the way I am. I can't help it. Mami always told me you did things for a reason, and I guess I'll have to believe that even though taking everything from me is really unfair. Please, watch over me. I'm alone now, and I could use some protection."
Angel stood up from the dirty ground, as he crossed himself. Brushing off his worn jeans that used to belong to Lenny, he looked down one more time at the shrine. "Pray for me," he whispered to the cross, walking away from the barren lot, with his anger swept up by the howling winds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After he left the vacant lot, he walked one more block to the subway station to purchase a ticket. He was relieved that he had found the twenty- dollar bill so that he wouldn't have to walk the miles from the Bronx to the East Village.
He approached the desk at the subway station where a man sat behind a wall of thick glass. "One please," Angel told him through the microphone.
"Yeah," the guy replied, barely looking up from his science fiction novel to acknowledge Angel's presence. "Here," he mumbled, passing the ticket through the small slit in the glass.
"Thank you. Have a nice night," Angel told him, giving him the twenty.
"Yup," he muttered back, giving Angel his eighteen dollars in change.
Angel marveled at the amount of money he had, then left the desk and proceeded down the stairs to wait for the train to take him to the East Village.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The chilling air at the bottom of the stairs hit him in the face like a pile of bricks. He hadn't expected it to be so cold. As he proceeded to wait for the train, he noticed a man sleeping on a bench. It was obvious the man was homeless, he smelled almost as bad as the rancid garbage can where he had found the twenty-dollar bill. Looking at the wad of cash in his hand, then back at the man, Angel got an idea, and a smile spread over his face. He pulled the ten out of the ball of money, and handed it to the man.
"Today for you, tomorrow for me," he told him.
The man, with a shocked, yet grateful, expression on his face smiled a toothless smile. "Thank you," he replied with a thick Polish accent. Angel shuddered for a minute, because the man's accent reminded him of Papi, but he smiled back at the man, nonetheless, and watched as the train whizzed by, stopping so that he could board.
While walking out of the hospital, angry tears stinging his eyes, Angel looked down on the street, and found a crumpled bill next to a reeking garbage can. Curious, he went over to the can, ignoring the rancid scent, and picked up the bill. Twenty dollars.
"Thank you," he spoke relief, "At least something is in my favor. I knew Mami was watching over me," he smiled, shoving the bill into his pocket and walking briskly down the street.
The afternoon spring air swirled around him, making him shiver and button up his coat. While putting down his bags, his coat got caught on something. Looking down, he saw a small golden cross on his bag. Mami was very religious, and she wore a gold cross all the time. She would put the dull, gold crosses on her luggage as well, so she could distinguish which bags were hers. The crosses reminded him of when he and Mami would go to church every Sunday, and how she had told him to pray to Jesus every night. If he prayed to Jesus, she used to say, he would live a long, happy, healthy life. "Jesus fucked me over," he mumbled, as he continued walking.
Right next to Lola's chicken was an empty, run down lot. Normally, Angel wouldn't have even noticed the burned out lot, but today, something caught his eye. In an effort to escape the chilling winds, he ducked into the vacancy between the two tall apartment buildings to go investigate the shiny, eye-catching glimmer. As he got closer, he realized it was a mini- shrine to someone. Fake flowers surrounded the shimmering cross, with a rosary in front of it. Someone must have died in the fire that made this empty lot. Suddenly, Angel got an eerie feeling, as he pulled his coat closer to his thin body.
After entrancingly staring at the cross for a few minutes, Angel knelt down, and began to pray.
"We need to have a little chat," he said, as he looked straight into the cross, seeing his own reflection in the shiny metal.
"Jesus," he began, feeling awkward about talking to God without Mami being there to encourage him. He sighed, and continued.
"I know I've committed a 'sin' by being gay, or whatever, but I can't, nor will I ever, apologize for it. At least I'm honest with myself. Since when is that a sin?
"You took Lenny from me. How the hell could you do that? You're probably looking down at me now from your heavenly throne, thinking about how you can make me even more miserable. I love Lenny! I'm in love with him, and it is NOT fair that we had to be separated. Is this your idea of a cruel joke? Let me tell you something, oh heavenly father, I'm not laughing.
"So you took Lenny from me. That sucks, and it makes me want to scream, and cry, and break up every other happy couple that ever lived so they could feel my pain for just one second. But I can deal with that. I can go on without Lenny, as hard as it may seem, but not without Mami," he paused, then smacked the charred earth beneath him.
"FUCK YOU! You stole my fucking mother and boyfriend, and you took everything that ever meant anything to me away. First Lenny, now Mami. What's next?" he paused, laughing bitterly, "Who's left?"
"What did I do to deserve this? Seriously, what did I do that was incredibly horrible that I deserved to be alone? I'm not a bad person!" he yelled, then quieted down. Mami's voice echoed in his head. "Today for you, tomorrow for me."
"What the hell did she mean? Her fucking dying words to me, and I don't even know what she means. Once again, are you fucking with me? See? I'm not laughing. IT'S NOT FUNNY," he stopped abruptly, listening to his voice bounce off the brick walls that surrounded him.
Angrily wiping the tears away from his eyes, he continued softly, "I love them both. Lenny and Mami. I know Mami's watching over me, and if she's not, don't tell me that. I need to keep thinking this way to survive.alone. Please, let Lenny know I love him. I know we won't be together again, but tell him I love him with all my heart. God, I can't apologize for who I am. If I've disappointed you, then it's just the way I am. I can't help it. Mami always told me you did things for a reason, and I guess I'll have to believe that even though taking everything from me is really unfair. Please, watch over me. I'm alone now, and I could use some protection."
Angel stood up from the dirty ground, as he crossed himself. Brushing off his worn jeans that used to belong to Lenny, he looked down one more time at the shrine. "Pray for me," he whispered to the cross, walking away from the barren lot, with his anger swept up by the howling winds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After he left the vacant lot, he walked one more block to the subway station to purchase a ticket. He was relieved that he had found the twenty- dollar bill so that he wouldn't have to walk the miles from the Bronx to the East Village.
He approached the desk at the subway station where a man sat behind a wall of thick glass. "One please," Angel told him through the microphone.
"Yeah," the guy replied, barely looking up from his science fiction novel to acknowledge Angel's presence. "Here," he mumbled, passing the ticket through the small slit in the glass.
"Thank you. Have a nice night," Angel told him, giving him the twenty.
"Yup," he muttered back, giving Angel his eighteen dollars in change.
Angel marveled at the amount of money he had, then left the desk and proceeded down the stairs to wait for the train to take him to the East Village.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The chilling air at the bottom of the stairs hit him in the face like a pile of bricks. He hadn't expected it to be so cold. As he proceeded to wait for the train, he noticed a man sleeping on a bench. It was obvious the man was homeless, he smelled almost as bad as the rancid garbage can where he had found the twenty-dollar bill. Looking at the wad of cash in his hand, then back at the man, Angel got an idea, and a smile spread over his face. He pulled the ten out of the ball of money, and handed it to the man.
"Today for you, tomorrow for me," he told him.
The man, with a shocked, yet grateful, expression on his face smiled a toothless smile. "Thank you," he replied with a thick Polish accent. Angel shuddered for a minute, because the man's accent reminded him of Papi, but he smiled back at the man, nonetheless, and watched as the train whizzed by, stopping so that he could board.