I'm sorry, I just realized that I missed a GAINT chuck of my story when I
was updating! I skipped a lot of the text, and I hope that now the story
makes little bit more sense, you know, less skipping around?
They walked for awhile, to nowhere in particular, just around. Nessa seemed so distant to him now; pale as a ghost, and her eyes, her eyes were dark. But he just kept his arm around her, rubbing her back gently in an absent- minded attempt to calm her. It was funny really, he was trying to calm a ghost.
"Legolas," she finally croaked out, "thank-you."
He nodded, "there is so much you haven't told me, Nessa, I've gathered that at least. I guess I'm just starting to understand it all, why you are the way that you are. Why you doubt so much, why you never visited home. I don't even think I have seen you even write so much as a letter back home, I don't know why that didn't strike me as odd before." He talked for the sake of talking, still trying to sort out his thoughts on what had just happened.
She shook her head, "I just don't know anymore," she looked off into the distance, a tear running down her cheek, "I grow up thinking one thing, and then in an instant everything changes! I thought that everything would be okay now. Everything had been going so well, Legolas! I just don't know what to think anymore! What to do! How to act! Nothing makes any sense!"
He stopped her, pulling her into another hug, "shh, Nessa, you don't have to, not right now. What ever happened back there, I'm sure that we will be able to work it out." He pulled her back, smiling, "don't worry so much," he wiped the tears from her eyes, "worrying won't do anything for you."
She pressed her head into his chest again, sobbing. Legolas just stood there, holding her again, trying to calm her. All he knew was that he wanted to get that elf, that elf that caused her so much pain. He was going to make sure he never bothered Nessa again. Never.
"I hate him so much," she managed between sobs, "I hate everything he is, everything that he stands for! Everything he does!"
"Who is he, anyway? Is that the man that gave you that scar" He looked down at her head, picturing that scar on her cheek. The one she never told anyone of. She would just smile when someone spoke of it, and shake her head. Keeping its secret.
She broke away from him, looking down at the ground, "that elf," she paused, biting her lip, and rubbing more tears away form her eyes, "that elf is my Atar!" She yelled, "and his blood flows through my veins. His legacy will live on through my bothers! Legolas! I will never be rid of him! No matter how much I try and forget, I will always remember! Just my looking at my face!" She put her hand over her cheek, feeling the scar. Her fingers touched the blood, the blood that had stained her hands. This was to be her punishment, this constant fear and guilt. Guilt for leaving her family behind. Guilt for forsaking her Atar's rules, and guilt for loving him. Her Atar was right, she left because she chose not to love, but now, now her entire life had been put on hold for one.
One of life's many ironies.
Legolas shook his head, "no, no, you are nothing like that elf. You have compassion, Ness, he, he is cold. The kind of coldness that radiates off an elf so that even when you are near him you feel so afraid," he paused for a moment, "or at least that is what I felt when I was near him."
She nodded, "I just wish I could change him, that I didn't have to live with this." She rubbed her fingers together, her eyes never leaving the blood, "this is far worse then anything else he could possibly do to me."
Legolas shook his head, "Nessa," he whispered, grabbing her in his arms, "Nessa, I want to protect you, I want to protect you so much. But, how can I protect you, if you won't let me."
Nessa put her arms around his neck, "I don't mean to run away from you, Legolas, but there are somethings that I must face on my own."
Legolas pulled back out of the embrace, taking her hand in his, rubbing the blood off her fingers and on to the bottom of his palm, "there, now your problem, is mine as well. Your guilt is now shared between us."
"You don't have to do this," she looked down at his palm, "you don't have to live with this you know. You can walk away right now."
He shook his head, "but I want to, Nessa." He smiled lightly, wiping more tears from her eyes, "I promised you that I would protect you, because I wanted to. Because I'm in love with you."
Nessa nodded her head, then leaned it against his shoulder, "I just wish things could be simpler, Legolas."
It rained hard that night, harder then she ever remembered it raining in Rivendell before. Nessa sat out on a small balcony outside of her room, her legs pulled tightly to her chest and her arms encircling them. Her eyes yearned for the wetness again, but then again she also knew that crying wouldn't make her feel any better. But somehow she wanted to believe that if she could just cry everything would be perfect again. That everything would work out.
Her cheek was bandaged again, Legolas had done that a few hours ago. Then she asked to be alone, for the first time in her time of being she had wanted to be alone. Before, the presence of others would make her feel happier, more secure, but now, now she just wanted to disappear. Fade out of existence, if only just for a brief moment.
Without even knowing it, she had changed so much inside. It took another bleeding cheek, and other thorn into her heart to see it.
She hadn't left this spot since he had left, there was just so many things weighing her down right now. Her once carefully pulled back hair lay in tangles around her face, now plastered down because of the rain. She looked like she had fallen apart, but then again, that is how she felt.
Legolas said that he wanted to protect her, wanted to share the burden with her, but she wasn't sure if she wanted him to feel this way. If he could handle this pain. He acted so strong, that he could handle anything. And although he was older then her in years, he was still an elfling at heart. Her demons would break him, his spirit would be gone in a matter of time.
And all she heard over and over again in her head was all the elves warnings about getting mixed up with him romantically. They kept saying, just be friends, just be friends, but somehow she had fallen in love with him. She never wanted to go against their advice, but she couldn't deny the fact that she had feelings for the elf. Maybe they came out of loneliness, maybe they came out of rebellion, or maybe she just liked the idea of being in love with him. She didn't care then.
But now, now, she was so lost. He told her that he loved her, and she didn't know what to say back. Her brain screamed at her to say I love you back, but her heart, oh her heart was torn in so many pieces she wasn't even sure if she could ever put it back together the way it was.
With all of her heart, she wanted to get siblings, Enyd, Adan, Anca, Malwa, and Ireth out of that place, so that they could be raised to a better standard. Not her Atar's impossible one. But when she sat there, and he stood over her like that, all she could think about was not looking at him. Not giving him the satisfaction of knowing he had won. That she would give up.
Then after words, when she and Legolas were walking, she realized that not one moment had she thought about Legolas. She thought she was going to die or be taken back home, and not once did she think of him. That is what made her doubt so much now, because if she was truly in love, wouldn't she be thinking of him then? Wouldn't she want to see his face again? Tell him that she loved him?
She just didn't know anymore.
She had to get out of here. She had to talk to someone who would understand what was happening to her. Who would try and help her. She lifted her head up and looked to the overgrown tree besides her balcony. With a heavy push, she lifted herself up and moved towards the tree. Aerandir. Aerandir would help her. He was always there for her, no matter what.
She leaned over the side of the railing, looking down at the ground several feet below her. Then she turned to look into her room, there was still no movement in there. She had Legolas had adjoining rooms, as long as he stayed in his, he would never know.
With that in mind, she shimmied as quietly as possible down off the balcony and on to the tree, trying will all her might not to look down at the ground below her. Branch by branch she climbed down, keeping as firm as a grip as possible on each and every branch.
Within a few painstaking minutes she had reached the bottom, planting her feet on the firm ground below her. Then she took off on a run, running as fast as she could through the rain towards Aerandir's home. Never looking back.
She beat heavily on Aerandir's door, her body shaking from the cold. She hit it so hard, her knuckles began to bleed, but she kept knocking. Tears were streaming down her cheeks again, and her eyes were lost again. They were darker now, lifeless even.
She hit her palm against the doorway, crying out in frustration. "AERANDIR!" She yelled, her voice tired and cracking, "AERANDIR!" She yelled again, slumping against the doorway in defeat, "Aerandir," she whispered again, somehow hoping he would answer.
The doorway swung open, light cascading onto her from inside the house. Her limp body fell into the small, yet homely house, and she felt her brother's warm hands on her shoulder.
"Nessa," he whispered to her, "I can't help you anymore, Nessa."
She looked over to him, "Aerandir," she whispered, tired and defeated.
He shook his head, "I have a family to think about, Nessa. If Atar finds out that I have been helping you, then," he paused not wanting to finish his sentence, "I gave you all the help I could, and specifically told you to stay as far away from Rivendell." He looked at his sister, wiping the wet hair off her face, "Nessa, you were the one who decided to come here, you're not an elfling anymore, I can't protect you."
"No, no, I need your help, Aerandir, you can't leave me now!" She cried, lifting up her tired body, "you're the only one who can help me!"
He shook his head, "I've done all that I can," he put a hand on her cheek, "I don't agree with Atar's rash actions, but there is nothing I can do. I'm sorry, Ness. It's time you start taking responsibility for your own actions."
Nessa shook her head, crying. Aerandir pulled her to her feet, and lead her back outside. She just stood there outside of his door, looking at him in disbelief, "no, no, you can't. Please, Aerandir, just hear me out. I need to talk to you."
He shook his head, although it pained him to turn his sister away, "you must figure this one out one your own, Ness."
She shook her head, "but I can't! I need to talk to you!"
"If Atar finds out that I have helped you, gone against him, then I fear what Atar would do not only to myself, but Narie, then he'd find out where you are! Don't you understand? Atar will stop at nothing to get you back, and it does not matter who is in his way!" He shouted at his sister his hand pointing out the door, "I wish it were different," he said a bit softer and warmer, "but it just isn't Nessa."
"Aerandir," she shook her head, "please, don't do this. I need you."
"Go Nessa, you haven't much time. Atar is staying here, don't you understand? Even if he wasn't, I am not sure this outcome would be any different." He looked down at his feet, shifting uncomfortably, loud footsteps were heard walking down the small set of stairs leading to the small loft of his home. He looked at his sister wildly, "run," he whispered.
Her eyes shot wide in fear, looking over Aerandir's shoulder. She turned and ran out into the harsh storm, running with every last breath she had in her. Tears cascaded down her cheeks, afraid of what would become of her brother.
.
She could see her Atar's anger now, reflected in the raging storm going on around her. She ran through Rivendell, looking behind her every so often just waiting to see a figure running after her in the night. The heavy rain beat down hard, making her clothes heavy and hard to run in. Her hair flew around her, some sticking to her face.
Her brain worked in overload, thinking of anyone, anyone at all that would help her. Part of her wanted to run back to Legolas, back to that happy illusion, but another part of her still questioned. She needed answers, and running to Legolas wouldn't answer a single one.
Then a thought stuck her, a memory really. Lady Arwen and their sort of friendship, it had been many months, but she hoped, that somehow she would remember as well. The more she thought about it, as her time progressed with Legolas, she began to forget about all the things she used to do. All her mind focused on was herself. Herself and Legolas.
She ran up to where Arwen usually met her all those times, hoping that maybe she would be there this evening. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair stuck to her face, and her clothes clinging to her slender body, she looked exactly how she felt.
"Lady Arwen," she spoke softly, walking around the small chamber, glad to be out of the rain, "Lady Arwen?"
"Are you alright, milady?" A mortal man walked over to her, "why do you wish to see Arwen at such an hour?"
Nessa shook her head, "I need not waste my time explaining, I must see Lady Arwen."
"You know, it is dangerous running around at such an hour, especially on a night like this." The man continued to speak with her, his eyes looked at her in suspicion.
She looked at him annoyed, "I'm sorry that I did not have the convince as to pick which night I would spend running from him. Forgive me for my rudeness." She said sarcastically, "my night has been severe, right now I am on the brink of insanity, I would not think it wise to talk to me like this."
"I'm sorry, milady, I mean not to offend."
"Then if you wouldn't mind," she began to walk away from the mortal man, but again he stepped in her pathway.
"Ah, but you see, milady, it is complicated right now. I cannot just send you to wake a sleeping elf, especially when I do not know who you are or what your intentions might be."
"It is alright, Aragorn, Nessa is an old friend," Arwen walked out into the light, "and how many times must I ask you, just call me Arwen."
Nessa smiled, and ran to her friend, putting her arms around her, "thank the valor," she whispered in between her sobs.
Arwen smiled, rubbing her back slowly, trying to calm the hysteric she-elf down, "shh, Nessa, calm down. Tell me, what would have you running through the night to come and see me?" She pulled her away from herself, putting her hands on Nessa's cheeks, "I have not seen you in such a long time, my friend, I feared the worst when I saw your family again."
Nessa nodded and began to tell her tale to her friend, what had happened the last time she had left Rivendell. About Mirkwood, and then about Legolas.
Arwen listened intently, nodding every so often, but held back her comments. Then Nessa came to what was going through her head right now, her confusion towards her feelings after seeing her Atar again, how her brother turned her away.
Everything was just so confusing, even when she explained it, she wasn't sure if Arwen would understand. But the elder she-elf would just nod with an all knowing sense to her, and Nessa would continue on.
Sometime during the night, Aragorn had left the two she-elves alone. The storm lasted though, but in the early morning it began to break into a soft drizzle.
"Arwen, I don't know what to think anymore. Everything has just," she paused searching for the right word, "changed."
Arwen smiled, "everything must changed with time Nessa, surely you have noticed this. Though, we may not understand it now, everything happens for a reason, do not doubt just yet."
"But don't you see, every time I try and ignore my doubts, they come back with a vengeance!"
"Then maybe the best thing right now for you is space. You cannot have a clear mind unless you are away from all the things that caused your doubt." She sighed looking over at the younger she-elf, "Nessa, you must understand, these problems just don't simply solve themselves in a matter of seconds. They won't just go away. I cannot tell you how you feel about Legolas, all I can tell you is that you need space to sit down and figure this out."
Nessa ran her fingers through her partially dry hair, "what should I tell Legolas?"
"The truth, Nessa. Tell him how you feel, your doubts, everything."
She leaned her head down in her hands, trying to think of the right words to say to him that would make him understand. In her heart she knew that he would probably never understand completely, but she knew she had to try and explain it to him in a way that he could understand.
Arwen put a hand on her friend's back, "go to him, Nessa, do not delay it any further."
"Tell me what, Nessa?" Legolas put his hand on her shoulder, "what is it that troubles you?"
Nessa looked over at Arwen who gave a reassuring nod, "I'll give you some privacy," she smiled walking over to the man. He smiled and took her hand in his, walking out of the small courtyard room. They both seemed so happy, so sure of everything. She had heard rumors that the Evenstar had fallen in love with a mortal ranger, but she had never believed them. And she knew, as she watched them leave, that that was what being in love was like. Never having to doubt.
"How did you get here?" She asked, unsure of how to start things off.
"Aragorn came for me last night, he told me that you were here."
She nodded, "oh," she looked down at the ground, unsure of her words.
"Now," he sat down besides her, resting his hands on hers, "what is it that you wanted to tell me?
Nessa sat in silence for a moment, still unsure of how to start things off. How to make him understand. She finally looked up at him, her blue eyes becoming teary again, "it was just a dream, Legolas, a foolish dream."
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?" He smiled warmly, "you're not making any sense, Ness."
She bit her lip, trying to find the words again, "we rushed things, Legolas, we rushing into things head first. We were so sure that this is what love is like, that we lost all common sense." She paused for a moment, looking at him, "do you understand what I am saying?"
He just stared back at her, "but, I know I am in love with you Nessa, what is there to doubt?"
"Legolas, if we were truly in love, would I have to doubt? Would everyone around us doubt?" She wiped a tear from her eye, trying to keep her composer, "right now, I am not even sure how I feel about you. Maybe they were right. Maybe we were best as friends."
He shook his head, "what is this madness, Nessa? Elves can only love once, how could we get this wrong?"
"How do you know what love is, Legolas? If you have never been in love?" She spoke softly, staring down at her feet again, "it is true, yes, that elves only love once, but it's a pure love. The kind that cannot be broken like that of a mortal's love. The kind where there never was, for one single moment, doubt," she paused for a moment, "or at least that is what I always thought love should be like."
"Nothing is ever perfect, Ness. We have to work things out, even elves doubt."
"Legolas, don't you understand any of what I am saying!" She pulled her hands back, whirling them into the air, "I need time, Legolas! Time to figure things out! I have so many things running through my head right now, and I don't know which thought to listen to anymore!
"In one ear all I hear is everyone saying not to rush into things, not to get involved romantically with a prince! In the other I hear my Atar yelling at me! And my head is saying that I'm in love with you, but my heart is saying no!
"I don't know whether I just liked the thought of being in love, or if I wanted someone out of loneliness, Legolas, I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!" She shouted at him, tears flowing dramatically from her eyes.
She stood up, walking away from him, "all I know is that I need time to sort things out," she whispered, "time," she sighed, "away," she closed her eyes, tears falling, "away from you."
Legolas sat in silence behind her, unsure of how to take the news. The rational part of him wanted to nod and agree with this, it was the right thing to do after all. But the irrational part of him, the part that usually took control of his brain, wanted to take her in his arms and never let her go. He knew he was in love with her, and she had to be in love with him. Things were just never supposed to turn out this way.
"This is because of your Atar, isn't it?" He said coldly, trying to somehow go in between the two extremes.
Nessa shrugged, "I think that's when I really started to realize it," she wiped the tears from her eyes, "that's when I really started to doubt more and more, but this was happening before, Legolas. That was just a breaking point."
He sighed, standing up and walking towards her, but just keeping out of reach of her. He stood there for a moment, in silence, his eyes watery with pain. He swallowed hard, "I wish I could make you change your mind, Ness, I wish you would stay by me."
She shook her head, "I'm sorry this couldn't have ended better."
"What do you mean by 'ended', this is merely a break in which we both go on different journeys, this is not the end."
She stayed silent, not wanting to break his spirit, "I wish you the best, Legolas Greenleaf," she whispered, not even looking at him. She couldn't bring herself to do it, she knew if she looked, she would stay. And staying would make her miserable.
Legolas watched her as she left, praying to the valor that she would just turn around any second and run back to him. But, she kept walking. Walking, her head down, trying to cover up tears, but he knew she was crying. She tired to act so strong, but sometimes she let herself come through.
He lifted his hand up, wiping away the tears from under his eyes. And something inside of him couldn't bear the thought of being alone again. She had brought such happiness to him, and now, now it seemed like he could never be happy like he was. Everything he would compare to the time he spent with her. And he knew things just wouldn't be the same anymore.
Nindo rode in the next day, apparently his Atar wanted Nindo to come and visit Legolas and Nessa, then come back to Mirkwood with a full report. He didn't know when Nessa left, but he just saw her horse gone, her room cleaned, and he just sat there on her bed. Just waiting for the end of the world.
"Legolas!" Nindo rammed his fist on the door, trying to get his friend to answer, "Legolas!" He yelled a bit harsher.
"Go away," he muttered, not wanting to have to tell Nindo all that had happened.
"Legolas, I know what happened, she told me when I saw her on the road. Look, I hate to say it, but this was bound to fail!"
Legolas just sat there in silence, not wanting to listen to his friend.
"Frankly, I am glad it is over! Legolas! You dropped everything for that she-elf! I may have made a few jests when you first met her, but Legolas, I never though you would fly through things so fast! Legolas! Love takes time!"
"Says who? You've never been in love! How would you know!" He shouted back at his friend through the door.
"You've changed Legolas, you used to spend so much time with your younger siblings, now, you haven't seen or talked to any one of them in days! And what about your friends! Linnende and I haven't seen or heard much of you since the party, and even then we only talked to you for a little while!" He sighed heavily, tried of yelling through the door, "what I'm trying to say is that even if you and Nessa were in love, you weren't ready for it yet. You couldn't handle the responsibility that comes with love."
Legolas just sat there, breathing heavily. Then he started doing some thinking, thinking back on the time he had spent with Nessa. Nindo was right, he hadn't even seen his younger siblings since he began courting Nessa. In fact, he had dropped everything to be with her, and she had done the same in return. They rushed in, and just as fast, she rushed out.
Legolas walked over to the door, unlocking it and letting Nindo inside. Both friends just started at each other for a moment, unsure of what words to say.
"Do you think that she'll ever come back?" He finally asked, his voice timid and unsure.
Nindo smiled, "maybe, someday."
Legolas nodded, "then tell my siblings and Atar I send my best wishes, right now, I have some matters that need attending to."
"What do you mean?"
"I joined a Fellowship, my friend," he smiled, "another rash and impulsive decision, but I think this one might be for the better."
"How so?"
"Well I'm really that immature, then this should help me grow," he smiled somberly, "then maybe she'll come back."
Nindo patted his friend on the back, "then I shall tell your family just that."
And with the beginning of new things and the ending of the old, Legolas realized that he couldn't be an elfling at heart anymore. No matter how many times he tried to believe that he never really was, he always had that light spirited part of him. But now, now he had to grow. And even though she may have strayed now, he knew she would always find him again.
Even if they did rush in.
I'm alone, yeah, I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears, and the cryin' that I do is for you
I want your love, let's break the walls between us
Don't make it tough, I'll put away my pride
Enough's enough, I've suffered and I've seen the light
Baby,
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
Don't know what I'm gonna do about this feelin' inside
Yes, it's true, loneliness took me for a ride
Without your love, I'm nothing but a beggar
Without your love, a dog without a bone
What can I do, I'm sleepin' in this bed alone
Baby,
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're the reason I live
You're the reason I die You're the reason I give
When I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why
Baby, baby,
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
"Angel" by Aerosmith
They walked for awhile, to nowhere in particular, just around. Nessa seemed so distant to him now; pale as a ghost, and her eyes, her eyes were dark. But he just kept his arm around her, rubbing her back gently in an absent- minded attempt to calm her. It was funny really, he was trying to calm a ghost.
"Legolas," she finally croaked out, "thank-you."
He nodded, "there is so much you haven't told me, Nessa, I've gathered that at least. I guess I'm just starting to understand it all, why you are the way that you are. Why you doubt so much, why you never visited home. I don't even think I have seen you even write so much as a letter back home, I don't know why that didn't strike me as odd before." He talked for the sake of talking, still trying to sort out his thoughts on what had just happened.
She shook her head, "I just don't know anymore," she looked off into the distance, a tear running down her cheek, "I grow up thinking one thing, and then in an instant everything changes! I thought that everything would be okay now. Everything had been going so well, Legolas! I just don't know what to think anymore! What to do! How to act! Nothing makes any sense!"
He stopped her, pulling her into another hug, "shh, Nessa, you don't have to, not right now. What ever happened back there, I'm sure that we will be able to work it out." He pulled her back, smiling, "don't worry so much," he wiped the tears from her eyes, "worrying won't do anything for you."
She pressed her head into his chest again, sobbing. Legolas just stood there, holding her again, trying to calm her. All he knew was that he wanted to get that elf, that elf that caused her so much pain. He was going to make sure he never bothered Nessa again. Never.
"I hate him so much," she managed between sobs, "I hate everything he is, everything that he stands for! Everything he does!"
"Who is he, anyway? Is that the man that gave you that scar" He looked down at her head, picturing that scar on her cheek. The one she never told anyone of. She would just smile when someone spoke of it, and shake her head. Keeping its secret.
She broke away from him, looking down at the ground, "that elf," she paused, biting her lip, and rubbing more tears away form her eyes, "that elf is my Atar!" She yelled, "and his blood flows through my veins. His legacy will live on through my bothers! Legolas! I will never be rid of him! No matter how much I try and forget, I will always remember! Just my looking at my face!" She put her hand over her cheek, feeling the scar. Her fingers touched the blood, the blood that had stained her hands. This was to be her punishment, this constant fear and guilt. Guilt for leaving her family behind. Guilt for forsaking her Atar's rules, and guilt for loving him. Her Atar was right, she left because she chose not to love, but now, now her entire life had been put on hold for one.
One of life's many ironies.
Legolas shook his head, "no, no, you are nothing like that elf. You have compassion, Ness, he, he is cold. The kind of coldness that radiates off an elf so that even when you are near him you feel so afraid," he paused for a moment, "or at least that is what I felt when I was near him."
She nodded, "I just wish I could change him, that I didn't have to live with this." She rubbed her fingers together, her eyes never leaving the blood, "this is far worse then anything else he could possibly do to me."
Legolas shook his head, "Nessa," he whispered, grabbing her in his arms, "Nessa, I want to protect you, I want to protect you so much. But, how can I protect you, if you won't let me."
Nessa put her arms around his neck, "I don't mean to run away from you, Legolas, but there are somethings that I must face on my own."
Legolas pulled back out of the embrace, taking her hand in his, rubbing the blood off her fingers and on to the bottom of his palm, "there, now your problem, is mine as well. Your guilt is now shared between us."
"You don't have to do this," she looked down at his palm, "you don't have to live with this you know. You can walk away right now."
He shook his head, "but I want to, Nessa." He smiled lightly, wiping more tears from her eyes, "I promised you that I would protect you, because I wanted to. Because I'm in love with you."
Nessa nodded her head, then leaned it against his shoulder, "I just wish things could be simpler, Legolas."
It rained hard that night, harder then she ever remembered it raining in Rivendell before. Nessa sat out on a small balcony outside of her room, her legs pulled tightly to her chest and her arms encircling them. Her eyes yearned for the wetness again, but then again she also knew that crying wouldn't make her feel any better. But somehow she wanted to believe that if she could just cry everything would be perfect again. That everything would work out.
Her cheek was bandaged again, Legolas had done that a few hours ago. Then she asked to be alone, for the first time in her time of being she had wanted to be alone. Before, the presence of others would make her feel happier, more secure, but now, now she just wanted to disappear. Fade out of existence, if only just for a brief moment.
Without even knowing it, she had changed so much inside. It took another bleeding cheek, and other thorn into her heart to see it.
She hadn't left this spot since he had left, there was just so many things weighing her down right now. Her once carefully pulled back hair lay in tangles around her face, now plastered down because of the rain. She looked like she had fallen apart, but then again, that is how she felt.
Legolas said that he wanted to protect her, wanted to share the burden with her, but she wasn't sure if she wanted him to feel this way. If he could handle this pain. He acted so strong, that he could handle anything. And although he was older then her in years, he was still an elfling at heart. Her demons would break him, his spirit would be gone in a matter of time.
And all she heard over and over again in her head was all the elves warnings about getting mixed up with him romantically. They kept saying, just be friends, just be friends, but somehow she had fallen in love with him. She never wanted to go against their advice, but she couldn't deny the fact that she had feelings for the elf. Maybe they came out of loneliness, maybe they came out of rebellion, or maybe she just liked the idea of being in love with him. She didn't care then.
But now, now, she was so lost. He told her that he loved her, and she didn't know what to say back. Her brain screamed at her to say I love you back, but her heart, oh her heart was torn in so many pieces she wasn't even sure if she could ever put it back together the way it was.
With all of her heart, she wanted to get siblings, Enyd, Adan, Anca, Malwa, and Ireth out of that place, so that they could be raised to a better standard. Not her Atar's impossible one. But when she sat there, and he stood over her like that, all she could think about was not looking at him. Not giving him the satisfaction of knowing he had won. That she would give up.
Then after words, when she and Legolas were walking, she realized that not one moment had she thought about Legolas. She thought she was going to die or be taken back home, and not once did she think of him. That is what made her doubt so much now, because if she was truly in love, wouldn't she be thinking of him then? Wouldn't she want to see his face again? Tell him that she loved him?
She just didn't know anymore.
She had to get out of here. She had to talk to someone who would understand what was happening to her. Who would try and help her. She lifted her head up and looked to the overgrown tree besides her balcony. With a heavy push, she lifted herself up and moved towards the tree. Aerandir. Aerandir would help her. He was always there for her, no matter what.
She leaned over the side of the railing, looking down at the ground several feet below her. Then she turned to look into her room, there was still no movement in there. She had Legolas had adjoining rooms, as long as he stayed in his, he would never know.
With that in mind, she shimmied as quietly as possible down off the balcony and on to the tree, trying will all her might not to look down at the ground below her. Branch by branch she climbed down, keeping as firm as a grip as possible on each and every branch.
Within a few painstaking minutes she had reached the bottom, planting her feet on the firm ground below her. Then she took off on a run, running as fast as she could through the rain towards Aerandir's home. Never looking back.
She beat heavily on Aerandir's door, her body shaking from the cold. She hit it so hard, her knuckles began to bleed, but she kept knocking. Tears were streaming down her cheeks again, and her eyes were lost again. They were darker now, lifeless even.
She hit her palm against the doorway, crying out in frustration. "AERANDIR!" She yelled, her voice tired and cracking, "AERANDIR!" She yelled again, slumping against the doorway in defeat, "Aerandir," she whispered again, somehow hoping he would answer.
The doorway swung open, light cascading onto her from inside the house. Her limp body fell into the small, yet homely house, and she felt her brother's warm hands on her shoulder.
"Nessa," he whispered to her, "I can't help you anymore, Nessa."
She looked over to him, "Aerandir," she whispered, tired and defeated.
He shook his head, "I have a family to think about, Nessa. If Atar finds out that I have been helping you, then," he paused not wanting to finish his sentence, "I gave you all the help I could, and specifically told you to stay as far away from Rivendell." He looked at his sister, wiping the wet hair off her face, "Nessa, you were the one who decided to come here, you're not an elfling anymore, I can't protect you."
"No, no, I need your help, Aerandir, you can't leave me now!" She cried, lifting up her tired body, "you're the only one who can help me!"
He shook his head, "I've done all that I can," he put a hand on her cheek, "I don't agree with Atar's rash actions, but there is nothing I can do. I'm sorry, Ness. It's time you start taking responsibility for your own actions."
Nessa shook her head, crying. Aerandir pulled her to her feet, and lead her back outside. She just stood there outside of his door, looking at him in disbelief, "no, no, you can't. Please, Aerandir, just hear me out. I need to talk to you."
He shook his head, although it pained him to turn his sister away, "you must figure this one out one your own, Ness."
She shook her head, "but I can't! I need to talk to you!"
"If Atar finds out that I have helped you, gone against him, then I fear what Atar would do not only to myself, but Narie, then he'd find out where you are! Don't you understand? Atar will stop at nothing to get you back, and it does not matter who is in his way!" He shouted at his sister his hand pointing out the door, "I wish it were different," he said a bit softer and warmer, "but it just isn't Nessa."
"Aerandir," she shook her head, "please, don't do this. I need you."
"Go Nessa, you haven't much time. Atar is staying here, don't you understand? Even if he wasn't, I am not sure this outcome would be any different." He looked down at his feet, shifting uncomfortably, loud footsteps were heard walking down the small set of stairs leading to the small loft of his home. He looked at his sister wildly, "run," he whispered.
Her eyes shot wide in fear, looking over Aerandir's shoulder. She turned and ran out into the harsh storm, running with every last breath she had in her. Tears cascaded down her cheeks, afraid of what would become of her brother.
.
She could see her Atar's anger now, reflected in the raging storm going on around her. She ran through Rivendell, looking behind her every so often just waiting to see a figure running after her in the night. The heavy rain beat down hard, making her clothes heavy and hard to run in. Her hair flew around her, some sticking to her face.
Her brain worked in overload, thinking of anyone, anyone at all that would help her. Part of her wanted to run back to Legolas, back to that happy illusion, but another part of her still questioned. She needed answers, and running to Legolas wouldn't answer a single one.
Then a thought stuck her, a memory really. Lady Arwen and their sort of friendship, it had been many months, but she hoped, that somehow she would remember as well. The more she thought about it, as her time progressed with Legolas, she began to forget about all the things she used to do. All her mind focused on was herself. Herself and Legolas.
She ran up to where Arwen usually met her all those times, hoping that maybe she would be there this evening. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair stuck to her face, and her clothes clinging to her slender body, she looked exactly how she felt.
"Lady Arwen," she spoke softly, walking around the small chamber, glad to be out of the rain, "Lady Arwen?"
"Are you alright, milady?" A mortal man walked over to her, "why do you wish to see Arwen at such an hour?"
Nessa shook her head, "I need not waste my time explaining, I must see Lady Arwen."
"You know, it is dangerous running around at such an hour, especially on a night like this." The man continued to speak with her, his eyes looked at her in suspicion.
She looked at him annoyed, "I'm sorry that I did not have the convince as to pick which night I would spend running from him. Forgive me for my rudeness." She said sarcastically, "my night has been severe, right now I am on the brink of insanity, I would not think it wise to talk to me like this."
"I'm sorry, milady, I mean not to offend."
"Then if you wouldn't mind," she began to walk away from the mortal man, but again he stepped in her pathway.
"Ah, but you see, milady, it is complicated right now. I cannot just send you to wake a sleeping elf, especially when I do not know who you are or what your intentions might be."
"It is alright, Aragorn, Nessa is an old friend," Arwen walked out into the light, "and how many times must I ask you, just call me Arwen."
Nessa smiled, and ran to her friend, putting her arms around her, "thank the valor," she whispered in between her sobs.
Arwen smiled, rubbing her back slowly, trying to calm the hysteric she-elf down, "shh, Nessa, calm down. Tell me, what would have you running through the night to come and see me?" She pulled her away from herself, putting her hands on Nessa's cheeks, "I have not seen you in such a long time, my friend, I feared the worst when I saw your family again."
Nessa nodded and began to tell her tale to her friend, what had happened the last time she had left Rivendell. About Mirkwood, and then about Legolas.
Arwen listened intently, nodding every so often, but held back her comments. Then Nessa came to what was going through her head right now, her confusion towards her feelings after seeing her Atar again, how her brother turned her away.
Everything was just so confusing, even when she explained it, she wasn't sure if Arwen would understand. But the elder she-elf would just nod with an all knowing sense to her, and Nessa would continue on.
Sometime during the night, Aragorn had left the two she-elves alone. The storm lasted though, but in the early morning it began to break into a soft drizzle.
"Arwen, I don't know what to think anymore. Everything has just," she paused searching for the right word, "changed."
Arwen smiled, "everything must changed with time Nessa, surely you have noticed this. Though, we may not understand it now, everything happens for a reason, do not doubt just yet."
"But don't you see, every time I try and ignore my doubts, they come back with a vengeance!"
"Then maybe the best thing right now for you is space. You cannot have a clear mind unless you are away from all the things that caused your doubt." She sighed looking over at the younger she-elf, "Nessa, you must understand, these problems just don't simply solve themselves in a matter of seconds. They won't just go away. I cannot tell you how you feel about Legolas, all I can tell you is that you need space to sit down and figure this out."
Nessa ran her fingers through her partially dry hair, "what should I tell Legolas?"
"The truth, Nessa. Tell him how you feel, your doubts, everything."
She leaned her head down in her hands, trying to think of the right words to say to him that would make him understand. In her heart she knew that he would probably never understand completely, but she knew she had to try and explain it to him in a way that he could understand.
Arwen put a hand on her friend's back, "go to him, Nessa, do not delay it any further."
"Tell me what, Nessa?" Legolas put his hand on her shoulder, "what is it that troubles you?"
Nessa looked over at Arwen who gave a reassuring nod, "I'll give you some privacy," she smiled walking over to the man. He smiled and took her hand in his, walking out of the small courtyard room. They both seemed so happy, so sure of everything. She had heard rumors that the Evenstar had fallen in love with a mortal ranger, but she had never believed them. And she knew, as she watched them leave, that that was what being in love was like. Never having to doubt.
"How did you get here?" She asked, unsure of how to start things off.
"Aragorn came for me last night, he told me that you were here."
She nodded, "oh," she looked down at the ground, unsure of her words.
"Now," he sat down besides her, resting his hands on hers, "what is it that you wanted to tell me?
Nessa sat in silence for a moment, still unsure of how to start things off. How to make him understand. She finally looked up at him, her blue eyes becoming teary again, "it was just a dream, Legolas, a foolish dream."
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?" He smiled warmly, "you're not making any sense, Ness."
She bit her lip, trying to find the words again, "we rushed things, Legolas, we rushing into things head first. We were so sure that this is what love is like, that we lost all common sense." She paused for a moment, looking at him, "do you understand what I am saying?"
He just stared back at her, "but, I know I am in love with you Nessa, what is there to doubt?"
"Legolas, if we were truly in love, would I have to doubt? Would everyone around us doubt?" She wiped a tear from her eye, trying to keep her composer, "right now, I am not even sure how I feel about you. Maybe they were right. Maybe we were best as friends."
He shook his head, "what is this madness, Nessa? Elves can only love once, how could we get this wrong?"
"How do you know what love is, Legolas? If you have never been in love?" She spoke softly, staring down at her feet again, "it is true, yes, that elves only love once, but it's a pure love. The kind that cannot be broken like that of a mortal's love. The kind where there never was, for one single moment, doubt," she paused for a moment, "or at least that is what I always thought love should be like."
"Nothing is ever perfect, Ness. We have to work things out, even elves doubt."
"Legolas, don't you understand any of what I am saying!" She pulled her hands back, whirling them into the air, "I need time, Legolas! Time to figure things out! I have so many things running through my head right now, and I don't know which thought to listen to anymore!
"In one ear all I hear is everyone saying not to rush into things, not to get involved romantically with a prince! In the other I hear my Atar yelling at me! And my head is saying that I'm in love with you, but my heart is saying no!
"I don't know whether I just liked the thought of being in love, or if I wanted someone out of loneliness, Legolas, I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!" She shouted at him, tears flowing dramatically from her eyes.
She stood up, walking away from him, "all I know is that I need time to sort things out," she whispered, "time," she sighed, "away," she closed her eyes, tears falling, "away from you."
Legolas sat in silence behind her, unsure of how to take the news. The rational part of him wanted to nod and agree with this, it was the right thing to do after all. But the irrational part of him, the part that usually took control of his brain, wanted to take her in his arms and never let her go. He knew he was in love with her, and she had to be in love with him. Things were just never supposed to turn out this way.
"This is because of your Atar, isn't it?" He said coldly, trying to somehow go in between the two extremes.
Nessa shrugged, "I think that's when I really started to realize it," she wiped the tears from her eyes, "that's when I really started to doubt more and more, but this was happening before, Legolas. That was just a breaking point."
He sighed, standing up and walking towards her, but just keeping out of reach of her. He stood there for a moment, in silence, his eyes watery with pain. He swallowed hard, "I wish I could make you change your mind, Ness, I wish you would stay by me."
She shook her head, "I'm sorry this couldn't have ended better."
"What do you mean by 'ended', this is merely a break in which we both go on different journeys, this is not the end."
She stayed silent, not wanting to break his spirit, "I wish you the best, Legolas Greenleaf," she whispered, not even looking at him. She couldn't bring herself to do it, she knew if she looked, she would stay. And staying would make her miserable.
Legolas watched her as she left, praying to the valor that she would just turn around any second and run back to him. But, she kept walking. Walking, her head down, trying to cover up tears, but he knew she was crying. She tired to act so strong, but sometimes she let herself come through.
He lifted his hand up, wiping away the tears from under his eyes. And something inside of him couldn't bear the thought of being alone again. She had brought such happiness to him, and now, now it seemed like he could never be happy like he was. Everything he would compare to the time he spent with her. And he knew things just wouldn't be the same anymore.
Nindo rode in the next day, apparently his Atar wanted Nindo to come and visit Legolas and Nessa, then come back to Mirkwood with a full report. He didn't know when Nessa left, but he just saw her horse gone, her room cleaned, and he just sat there on her bed. Just waiting for the end of the world.
"Legolas!" Nindo rammed his fist on the door, trying to get his friend to answer, "Legolas!" He yelled a bit harsher.
"Go away," he muttered, not wanting to have to tell Nindo all that had happened.
"Legolas, I know what happened, she told me when I saw her on the road. Look, I hate to say it, but this was bound to fail!"
Legolas just sat there in silence, not wanting to listen to his friend.
"Frankly, I am glad it is over! Legolas! You dropped everything for that she-elf! I may have made a few jests when you first met her, but Legolas, I never though you would fly through things so fast! Legolas! Love takes time!"
"Says who? You've never been in love! How would you know!" He shouted back at his friend through the door.
"You've changed Legolas, you used to spend so much time with your younger siblings, now, you haven't seen or talked to any one of them in days! And what about your friends! Linnende and I haven't seen or heard much of you since the party, and even then we only talked to you for a little while!" He sighed heavily, tried of yelling through the door, "what I'm trying to say is that even if you and Nessa were in love, you weren't ready for it yet. You couldn't handle the responsibility that comes with love."
Legolas just sat there, breathing heavily. Then he started doing some thinking, thinking back on the time he had spent with Nessa. Nindo was right, he hadn't even seen his younger siblings since he began courting Nessa. In fact, he had dropped everything to be with her, and she had done the same in return. They rushed in, and just as fast, she rushed out.
Legolas walked over to the door, unlocking it and letting Nindo inside. Both friends just started at each other for a moment, unsure of what words to say.
"Do you think that she'll ever come back?" He finally asked, his voice timid and unsure.
Nindo smiled, "maybe, someday."
Legolas nodded, "then tell my siblings and Atar I send my best wishes, right now, I have some matters that need attending to."
"What do you mean?"
"I joined a Fellowship, my friend," he smiled, "another rash and impulsive decision, but I think this one might be for the better."
"How so?"
"Well I'm really that immature, then this should help me grow," he smiled somberly, "then maybe she'll come back."
Nindo patted his friend on the back, "then I shall tell your family just that."
And with the beginning of new things and the ending of the old, Legolas realized that he couldn't be an elfling at heart anymore. No matter how many times he tried to believe that he never really was, he always had that light spirited part of him. But now, now he had to grow. And even though she may have strayed now, he knew she would always find him again.
Even if they did rush in.
I'm alone, yeah, I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears, and the cryin' that I do is for you
I want your love, let's break the walls between us
Don't make it tough, I'll put away my pride
Enough's enough, I've suffered and I've seen the light
Baby,
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
Don't know what I'm gonna do about this feelin' inside
Yes, it's true, loneliness took me for a ride
Without your love, I'm nothing but a beggar
Without your love, a dog without a bone
What can I do, I'm sleepin' in this bed alone
Baby,
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're the reason I live
You're the reason I die You're the reason I give
When I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why
Baby, baby,
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
You're my Angel, come and make it alright
You're my Angel, come and save me tonight
"Angel" by Aerosmith