I should delete the file I just created, because it takes up space and is completely unnecessary.
Completely. Just another one of Sumomo's inane ravings. I see them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for who knows how long until my processor can't take it anymore and malfunctions of it's own accord to save me from the madness.
Or it would, were it able to make such a decision.
And yet...I can't.
I can't bring myself to let go of that moment in time, when, for the first time, I became something more than just a persocom, than just a machine. Someone capable of being loved, for just being herself.
And I can't bring myself to revisit the feeling of disappointment upon realizing the impossibility of such a ridiculous fairy tale. That I can be loved. That I CAN love.
Kotoko is a machine, an expensive investment for a specific purpose--the use of my abilities to further my master's knowledge.
A machine.
I tell myself this, with every flutter that I know is whatever I call a heart, with every smile or laugh or expression of pain I supress. This is normal. This is what I am. This is my 'life'-emptiness. Emptiness that I can never overcome.
Then why? Why do I feel these urges...to smile, at Sumomo's antics, when she grabs my hand and forces me to join her in a stupid dance? To burst out laughing at Hideki's nosebleeds and Chi's innocent expressions?
To break, to stop working completely when I cycle through the memories of the time before these crazy, irrational, semi-psychotic people I'm forced into living with?
Am I malfunctioning again?
Like before?
Am I broken?
Because Sumomo loves Kotoko-chan!"
why does this happen? i'm not suppossed...to feel this way..anymore...
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accessing personal folder
total video files: 4876
searching for file...happybirthday.mpeg
play: happybirthday.mpeg 0:00
She slowly opens her lavender-tinted eyes, much like a child looking upon the world for the first time..without the excess noise.
"Hello, little Kotoko."
Her vision is highly unfocused, and although she can hear the voice, the image that goes along with it is blurred.
adjusting visual receptors
She looks around in an outward expression of confusion, until the world around her clears and she lays eyes on him for the first time. His smile is warm, and friendly, his ebony eyes glittering with somethin she can't place.
"Don't try to talk yet. Your voice recognition system is active but the response program hasn't fully loaded."
She stares at him in silence, her lightning fast mind identifying and defining each word as they pass through her audio receptors, making sense of this new situation. Even if she could talk...could she say anything? What would she say? A tinge of fear passes through her. Being suddenly thrust into existence with no identity, no purpose...she's not even sure of who she is.
And then it happens. He reaches out to her, causing her to cringe slightly, then lifts her in his arms, and she can feel the warm, the vibration of his heartbeat as he cradles her against his chest with a sigh of happiness.
"You're finally finished. You took forever, but then again, I guess your status as possibly the most advanced persocom of your size negates the amount of time and effort." He hugs her as one would a child, as though the months he's spent working toward her creation bonds her to him. "I'm happy you turned out the way you did, though. My powerful little Kotoko-chan."
happy
adj 1: enjoying or showing or marked by joy or pleasure or good fortune
Happy...because you have me? I make you happy?
The knowledge of her effect on her creator wipes away any fear remaining within her, causing her to smile and hug him back to the best of her abilities. These expressions are foreign to her, and yet, they...feel...right.
video file paused at 6:45
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These memories ravage me, reminding me of what I left behind, why I chose to leave it, and what I've found...and what I know will never last. Of what my old master...no, Kojima-chan taught me.
Things Sumomo will never understand, or Chi, because their damned innocence entraps them in a world of light where anything is possible.
As I watch Chi, I can't help but feel a twinge of the old jealousy I harbored toward her. I've pretty much gotten over my hatred of her--she's so sweet and innocent that it's maddening, but you can't really hate her all that badly. No, I realize that she aided me in more ways than I can ever thank her for, even if she remains clueless to this day; if not for her I'd still be trapped within the four walls of Yoshiyuki's mansion, where it's at least a great deal saner...and yet I can't think of how devestated I'd be if he decided to take me back now. I don't think he will, seeing how I betrayed him, but then again I've never known Yoshiyuki to let an investment go to waste. Which I am---one of his biggest investments, possibly his most advanced persocom. Of course, I'm sure he's replaced me by now, for something smaller, more expensive, and more advanced, if that's possible at this point. Not that it matters.
Or does it? Why does it hurt to remember the time before? Why can't I just accept the emptiness that defines the mind of a machine? Why do I consistently do this to myself?
So many questions, all of which I can't answer. I can calculate and answer anything, and yet I can't understand emotion, something that exists beyond my programming. That's right. I wasn't programmed to feel. Just to do.
That why I envy Chi, sometimes. I envy whatever it is that allows her to smile without thinking, to show happiness, to be happy. To have found someone who loves her, even if the person that is 'Chi' is simply a program.
I wish I could be happy, too.
I'm sorry, Sumomo. I don't love you. I don't love anyone or anything. I can't. I have to remain a machine. It's too painful otherwise.
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Whoa. Three chapters at once. I got my mojo back! : ) Don't worry, people, it'll pick up soon, and I've got a definite destination in mind so bear with me, and give me all the constructive criticism you can muster!!
--papi
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