Chapter 35: Continuing the Affirmation
"I want to thank all of you for joining me here today. I know this is a sad and somber occasion, but Sue would not have wanted it to be this way. She knew that she was gonna go any day now, and it came as no shock to any of us. She'd want us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death," Paul spoke in his usual preacher voice, standing outside in the warm June air amidst a sea of gravestones. Ali, Pam, Lisa, Steve, Gordon, Rae, Sherri, Angel, and Paul stood in a small, tight circle holding hands. Tears flowed freely down their faces, as they looked down at the gravestone in front of them. "Sue Yang. August 13 1960 - June 5 1996. Beloved wife and sister. NO DAY BUT TODAY."
"I know this is hard on everybody. Sue was a very good friend of mine. But we need to go on and be strong. We need to get her message heard. Seize the day, and live your life as if every moment were your last. That is what she wants all of us to remember about her. Would anybody like to add anything?"
The rest of the Life Support group stood still as statues. Even Gordon was crying silently, which touched them all. The only emotion they'd ever seen him express was anger; never had they seen him sad.
"We'll still have our meeting tonight at 9:30. I hope to see all of you there." Paul always concluded their sessions with a big group hug. The 9 people embraced, feeling the warmth of their bodies huddled together.
As the rest proceeded to leave, Angel stayed behind, mesmerized by Sue's gravestone. Kissing his finger and placing it on her grave, Angel left a small, barely noticeable red glitter mark. "I'll miss you, baby," he whispered, as he got up to leave, following the rest of the crew.
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"Queenie," Angel yelled to a seemingly empty house, "I'm home!"
"Hey," Fred said, emerging from the bedroom with his pajamas still on. "Queenie decided to seize the day and go shopping. I thought you weren't coming home until later."
"It ended sooner than I thought it would," Angel answered, somberly.
"Where did you go?"
"Queenie didn't tell you?"
"No, she just told me you were going out," he said, puzzled.
"Oh. My friend, Sue, from Life Support passed away and her funeral was today," Angel stated in the same, melancholy tone.
"Jesus, Ang, I'm so sorry. I had no idea, I -," Fred began.
"No, no it's alright. We all saw it coming, and so did she. She wasn't doing very well, you know. I mean, she'd been sick for so long and even when I first met her, she flat out told me that she was gonna die soon. It was no shock. It's still sad, though, because I really miss her."
"I think you've just said more now than you have in the past 2 months," Fred informed him, smiling shyly.
"You know, lately I've been a lot more. happy, I guess," he said, a bright smile appearing on his face. "I think Life Support is really helping me. I talked to Sue a little on the first night I was there, and her attitude amazed me. I didn't understand how someone could be so positive and love life so much when they were as sick as she was. But she just kept telling me to live for the moment and have no regrets and I think that really hit me. I'm gonna work hard to keep that in mind every day." He nodded in satisfaction.
"Good for you, Ang. So does that mean you're gonna start taking your AZT now?" Fred asked, in his all-knowing way.
"Wh - What do you mean? I've been taking my AZT, what did you think I was doing with it?" he asked, acting as if he knew nothing of the sort.
"Flush it down the toilet, stash it in your drawer. I've seen it all, and I can tell that you're not taking it."
"Why would you accuse me of that?" Angel continued, keeping up the act.
"Because it's the truth. I can tell. Don't play dumb with me, Angel, I know what you're doing." His voice was harsh and stern, light years away from his normally docile and calm demeanor.
"It's not gonna cure me," Angel mumbled, in a voice that Fred could barely hear.
"You're gonna die a lot sooner if you don't take it. I've had HIV for 4 years now. It could have been longer, I don't know. And I've been taking my AZT every day, and I haven't gotten sick yet. You're only killing yourself quicker."
"I'll start taking it, okay? Just lay off!" he exclaimed, walking away.
"I'm only telling you for your on good. We're one in the same, Angel, and I know what you're going through. As much as you like to think there's nobody in the world who understands, I do. Everyone with HIV and AIDS does. You're not alone in this. Don't make it that way."
"Whatever," he mumbled, and continued to walk away. "I'm getting ready, and then I'm going to Life Support. Tell Queenie I was home and I took my pills."
"Angel, I am not going to lie for you. She knows too, she just doesn't say anything."
"Then tell her I didn't take my pills, it doesn't matter. I do what I want! I'm almost 21 years old, I'm in control of my own life!"
"Don't get all 'rebellious teenager' on me, Angel. We're the ones that took you in and were there for you when you didn't have anybody else. I think you take that for granted. If Queenie hadn't been so welcoming, where would you be now? Tell me, honestly, where would you be?"
Taken slightly aback, Angel gawked at him. He had never even thought about that before. It didn't even occur to him that he could have a life without Queenie and Fred.
"I don't know," he answered quietly.
"Exactly. You take both of us for granted. Everything we've done for you has been in your best interest, and you need to keep believing that. We love you like our own son. why would you think anything different?"
"I don't' know," he whispered again.
"Don't walk all over us, and ignore us, thinking we're only around when you want us to be. As far as you and I are concerned, I'm the closest thing to a father you've ever had. I'm trying to help you, and you only listen to me when it's something you want to hear!"
"That's not true! I'm not some stubborn little bitch, Fred. I care so much about you and Queenie. You have no idea! But you don't' know what I'm going through. I got raped, damn it! I'm not over that yet!" he screamed, his body aching from keeping his anger so bottled up.
"I know you did, and we've all been trying to help you through it. You've been shutting us out, and I don't think I've spoken more than two words to you in the past two months! I know you're hurt, and I know you're traumatized, but don't shut out the people who love you the most! If you have to, do it to me, but not to Queenie. She comes crying to me every night because she thinks you don't love her anymore. She thinks you don't care!" his voice boomed, echoing around the barren room.
"Why would she ever think that? I love you both! I never thought I'd have to prove that to you!"
"You don't have to prove it to us, just love us all the time, like we love you. We are here for you whenever you need us, no matter when it is. We're never not gonna be here for you. Remember that."
"I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize what I was doing, and I just -," he figured it was pointless to continue, since it was hard to speak while crying.
"It's okay. And I understand why you're acting the way you are. I don't know completely what you're going through, but the diagnosis is a tough thing to handle. I've been there. But let Queenie and me support you. We're trying to do everything we can for you. All you need to do is let us."
"I know. I'm so sorry," Angel kept saying, over and over again, as Fred hugged him tightly.
"It's alright. Everything's gonna be fine, Ang, calm down."
Fred held him until his crying had ceased. The two of them stood there in that position for quite some time, in golden silence.
"I'm gonna get ready for Life Support," Angel said, finally interrupting the quiet.
"Okay. I'll see you later."
"You know, you should come sometime. I bet you'd really like it," he said, extending the invite to Fred.
"Maybe sometime. We'll see."
"I'll see you later. I love you, Fred."
"I love you too, Angel."
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After about an hour of excessive primping and five different outfit changes, Angel was finally ready to leave the house. He wore one of his all-time favorite outfits that Will had bought him on his twentieth birthday. It was a white leotard with one yellow sleeve and one orange sleeve. Over it, he wore a small green zip-up tank top with a leopard fuzz collar. The skirt he had on had large, brightly colored flowers on it, and he paired it with his favorite black shiny heels and green tights. On his head he had a headband with fake flower that he had made himself a few years ago, back when he was still living with Lenny. The black bob wig he wore with it fit the outfit perfectly.
Every time he wore the outfit, it seemed like something good happened. The last time he wore it, Queenie had surprised him with a spur- of-the-moment shopping spree where he had bought lots of new dresses and loads of glittery makeup. The time before that, Will had been in a surprisingly good mood, and he had picked Angel up at the club and took him out to dinner at Spring Gardens, his favorite restaurant. He was hoping that the good luck tradition with the outfit would continue tonight, as he smoothed his wig down one last time and left the house.
It was unusually warm from the early June night, and he was very comfortable in the clothes he had on. Usually, he was freezing. Dresses and tights didn't provide very much in the way of warmth. With the Life Support building in sight, Angel breathed a peaceful sigh as he continued to talk to his destination. In the alley just before the building, he heard people arguing.
"Hey chica. You lookin' hot tonight, baby!"
"Fuck off. Leave me alone."
"What a-matter, baby, you don't like guys?"
"I like guys, just not you!" a snappy, female voice quipped at the man, who sounded older than she did.
Thinking that he should go and help, Angel hesitated slightly, remembering the last time he tried to help someone being harassed by a stranger on the street. The results from that was the reason why he was in this neighborhood in the first place. He glanced down the alley and saw a small girl with wild curly cursing at the large, overweight skinhead in Spanish.
"Come on, baby, you know you want to," he coaxed.
"Bastardo," she mumbled under her breath, attempting to walk away.
"Yo, bitch, I was talking to you!" he said much sterner now, grabbing her arm.
Angel knew it was time to intervene. Hearing the heels of his shoes click in the alley as he walked, Angel approached the two of them abruptly.
"Is there a problem here?" he questioned, his voice sounding high and feminine, but still considerably deeper than the average female.
"Oh look. A little faggot in a dress. How cute," he mumbled, pushing the Spanish girl up against the way.
"I didn't ask you what you thought o my outfit, I asked if there was a problem here," Angel snapped, standing with his arms across his chest and his hip sticking out.
"Listen, bitch, just leave. Me and her got our own business to attend to."
"From the look of things, darling, it seems as though you're running a one-man business, and she does not look too interested your product." The girl giggled as Angel was speaking.
"Oh you asked for it, faggot," the skinhead grumbled coming towards Angel. Calmly, Angel kicked him squarely in his package, four inch heels and all, watching the bald, overweight man keel over in pain.
"Honey, I am more of a man than you'll ever be, and more of a woman than you'll ever get." He giggled, watching the man writhe in pain.
"Bitch," he mumbled under his breath.
Angel looked down at him one more time, before turning to the Spanish girl, standing up against the wall with a giant smirk on her face.
"Hey, you okay?" he asked her.
"I'm fine. I'm used to it, actually, it happens a lot," she responded, brushing a curly lock of hair out of her face.
"You sure?" he prodded, coming towards her.
"You know, now that you mention it, maybe I'd better sit down for a bit."
"Alright, come here," he said, draping his arm around her shoulders.
Gripping onto his waist, the girl leaned into him.
"I'm Angel, by the way."
"You can call me Mimi," the girl said, holding Angel tightly.
"Mimi? Is that your real name?"
"No, but that's what everyone calls me."
"What's your real name, then?"
"That is for another place and another time. So, Angel. I take it your Hispanic, then?" she asked, changing the subject.
"Yes. Finally, somebody who realizes that Angel is indeed my real name," Angel said, relieved.
"Hey, it's part of la cultura hispanica, right?" she asked, her Spanish accent perfected.
"Absolutely. God, it's been so long since I've heard someone speak Spanish," he said as they continued to walk towards the Life Support building. "I mean, the last time was -."
A beeper going off interrupted their talking. They let go of each other, and stared one another down.
"Do you -?" he asked, his eyes showing both confusion and hope.
"HIV," she replied quietly, as she uncapped a bottle of white pills. "Time for an AZT break."
"I have it too," Angel replied, bewildered. "I was just heading to Life Support now, have you heard of it?"
"Yeah, but I've never been. I usually work late nights at the club, and I've never had time. I've never known anybody who goes there, either."
"Would you like to come with me?" Angel asked, his arm going back to its position around her shoulder.
"I'd really like that," she replied quietly, placing her arm around Angel's waist once again. "I have a feeling we're gonna end up being really good friends, Angel."
"Me too," he replied.
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"Welcome Angel!" Paul greeted as Angel and Mimi walked into the room. "I see you've brought someone with you. What's your name?"
"You can call me Mimi," she said, holding onto Angel's hand and gripping it so tightly his fingers were beginning to turn purple.
"It's nice to meet you, Mimi. Come in and join us. We're just beginning."
Angel and Mimi sat next to each other, still holding hands, as the meeting began.
"First of all, before we continue our affirmation, I just wanted to thank you all again for coming to Sue's memorial. I know it meant a lot to me, and she would feel very honored to know that all of you were there. She'll be in our hearts and memories forever, and her message will live on within all of us." The group nodded somberly as they sat in silence.
"I'd like to start," Angel said, quietly. The group stared at him in shock. He'd never spoken at the group meetings.
"Way to go, Ang," Rae said, smiling at him.
Angel grinned, shyly, back at the group as he began to talk. "I didn't even want to come to these meetings in the first place. I really felt like I was the only one in the world who had HIV, and that nobody understood what I was going through. I didn't get it like a lot of people, though. Everyone assumes that because I'm some gay girly-boy, I got it through having a lot of sex with lots of different men. Now, granted I've been around the block -." This elicited some giggles from the group "but that's not how I got it. I got raped back in March, by my ex-boyfriend's drug dealer. It's a long, painful story, and I'm not gonna tell you all about it now, but I will tell you that it's made me appreciate everything so much more. My life has so much more meaning now. I can't say that I'm happy that I have HIV, but it's definitely turned me around."
The group smiled at him, slightly surprised at his openness. "Ang, that was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing with us," Sherri said quietly, while leaning up against Rae.
Blushing slightly, Angel accepted the compliment. For the rest of the meeting, he sat back quietly and listened to others intently, as he usually did. Mimi sat next to him, not saying a word, picking at her nails and doing everything in her power to avoid eye contact with all the people at the meeting. The time flew by, as Paul looked as watch, his eyes bulging as he realized what time it was.
"You guys, we've been here for about three hours, so I'd like to wrap this up. Sorry to cut you off, Pam, but I think everyone's gotta get going."
"That's okay, Paul, don't worry about it," Pam said quietly, slumping back down in her seat.
"Thanks to all of you for coming tonight, and a special thanks to Mimi for joining our group. We hope to be seeing you quite a bit at these little meetings of ours. All right everyone, group hug!" Paul announced as everyone rose from their chairs and gathered in the center of the circle, hugging each and every person tightly. When the embraces ceased, Paul unlocked the door the apartment, letting everyone out. "Remember," he called after then, "No Day But Today."
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Angel walked outside, holding Mimi's hand. "I'm sorry that took so long," he apologized, "They're usually only about an hour."
"Hey, it's okay, don't worry about it. I just had to get out of there and have a smoke. I was dying!" She exclaimed, as she reached into the waistband of her pants and pulled out a cigarette. "Got a light?"
"No, sorry, I don't things like that," Angel mumbled, as she approached a woman walking by who had a lighter in her hand.
"It's very relaxing," she explained, as she took a puff of her cigarette.
"How old are you, honey?" he asked, looking skeptically at her. He could see that she wasn't over 20; her skin was wrinkle-free and her deep, brown eyes were wide with an innocence he hadn't seen in anyone since he was with Lenny.
"I'm seventeen, but I'm old for my age," she said, tossing her brown curls behind her shoulder, as an attempt to look more sophisticated. "What about you, chica?"
"I'm almost 21. You know, Mimi, you really shouldn't be smoking at such a young age: it isn't good for you," Angel explained, acting like a concerned parent.
"You think smoking's bad? You don't even wanna know what else I do. But I don't need a lecture from some underage drag queen, alright?" Mimi snapped at him, taking another puff of her cigarette.
"Hey hey," Angel said, his eyes narrowing slightly, "No need to get an attitude."
Looking towards the ground and putting her cigarette out, Mimi cracked her knuckles. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that I get lectures like that from everyone. I mean, even my boyfriend tries to lecture me about what I'm doing. It's completely my choice, and I don't need people telling me what to do. My parents tried that, and I ran away as fast as I could. I don't like rules, and I don't like people who try to make them."
"Wow, honey, you are fierce," Angel stated, smiling as he put his arm around her shoulder. "I like it. So tell me about this boy of yours. Is he cute?"
Mimi giggled as she and Angel began to walk away from the Life Support building. "Yeah, he is. He's really cute. His name's Chase, and I've been living with him for almost a year. He's a really great guy, and he's so supportive of me. After I had the miscarriage, we started dating and he's been there for me ever since."
"You had a miscarriage?" Angel asked, shocked.
"Yeah, when I was 16. I got HIV from that guy who got me pregnant. He was a real jackass. He told me after we'd slept together that he might be infected. I hate him so much for giving this to me. I'm glad I didn't have that kid, though, because then he'd have to pay child support and everything, and I just don't like the guy, so it's good that I don't have to deal with him. Chase is positive too, though. He's bisexual and his boyfriend gave it to him, or so he thinks. I made him get tested before we got involved, so we knew there was no risk. You should meet him sometime, he's really sweet."
"Wow, you've been through a lot for someone so young. My life hasn't been cake either, but when I was 17, it was smooth sailing compared to the last year," Angel said, more to himself than to her.
"Do you wanna tell me about it?" she questioned, guiding Angel towards a large building on the corner of 11th street and avenue B.
"I think we'll save that for another time and another place," Angel laughed, reaching up and touching his false hair, realizing that his flower headband was missing. "Shit!"
"What's wrong?" Mimi asked, as they stopped in front of the building.
"I think I left my headband at the Life support meeting. I love that thing. I should probably go back and get it. Is this your apartment?"
"Yeah, I'm on the first floor. I'll be fine. Thanks for taking me out, Angel, I really appreciate it. Ooh!" she squealed, as she remembered something, "I want to give you my phone number. Call me whenever you're free, and we'll go out somewhere. Just come in with me for a minute and I'll write it down for you."
"I actually have a pen right here," Angel mumbled, as he shuffled through the tiny, glittery purse and pulled out a small, checkbook pen. "Write it on my hand. It'll be the first girl's number I've ever gotten. It's a special occasion, honey."
Giggling again, Mimi wrote her phone number neatly on the top of Angel's hand. She gave him back the pen, and hugged him tightly. "I'm really glad I met you."
"Glad I met you too, Mimi. I'll call you, I promise."
"Bye," she called, as she walked briskly into her building.
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Ever since the rape, Angel hated walking alone in the city at night. He was paranoid that, somewhere, he'd see Chad and live the whole nightmare over again. Crossing his arms over his chest, he continued walking the few blocks back to Paul's apartment where the Life Support meetings were held. He felt guilty bothering Paul this late at night, but that headband had special sentimental value to him, and he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight unless he knew it was safe in his bedroom.
Knocking lightly on Paul's door, Angel stood with his hands gripping his arms, trying to stay warm. Even though it was early June, the nights were still quite chilly, and, as usual, Angel wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather.
Answering the door in a pair of faded flannel pants and big grey sweatshirt, Paul smiled brilliantly as he saw Angel at the door. "What are you doing here so late?" Paul questioned.
"I left something here. I'm so sorry to bother you, but it really means a lot to me and I -,"
Paul handed him the headband, laden with fake pink flowers. "I figured it was yours. Nobody else in our group wears accessories quite like this."
Angel giggled as he took the headband back and put it around his wrist. "Thank you so much, and I'm so sorry to be bothering you this late."
"No no, it's okay, don't worry about it!" Paul exclaimed, opening the door further. "Come in, sit down, have some coffee or something."
"I really should get back home. Queenie and Fred are probably worried sick," he mumbled to himself.
"Who's Queenie and Fred?" Paul questioned, as he motioned for Angel to come in and sit down.
Accepting the invitation, he walked inside and sat in a rickety wooden chair. "They're my, well, hmm." Angel pondered, not knowing quite how to explain his relationship with the two of them. "They're like the parents I never had."
"So, technically, you still live with your parents?"
Blushing at the thought of a 21 year old still living with his parents, Angel smiled shyly, and answered, "Yes, I guess so."
"That simply won't do," Paul stated, shaking his head.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I can't have you living with your parents anymore. Not at your age. I've got plenty of space here. Why don't you crash at my place until you can find one of your own?"
Shocked at the offer, Angel raised his eyebrows and looked straight at Paul. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah, I've done it for plenty of the other Life Support members. I'll help you find a job and your own apartment, and I'll get you back on your feet. I've known so many people who have had a lot of trouble getting their life back on track after diagnosis, and I've helped them as much as I can. Keep in mind, though, this is not a permanent residence. I want you to live your own life in your own place. It's very liberating."
"Oh my god, I don't even know what to say to that. I'm so flattered. I'll have to talk to Queenie and Fred about it, but that's such a nice thing of you to do. I'll pay you rent and everything, I promise. I've never been on my own paying rent before. I feel so." Angel paused, breathing in a deep sigh, "free."
"That's the way it should be," Paul explained, his dazzling smile lighting up the room. "You let me know tomorrow at Life Support what the deal is, and we'll work something out."
"Paul, thank you so much," Angel said, hugging him tightly as he got up to go home. "You're such a big help to me in every way."
"It's no problem, Ang, I'm glad to be of service. See you tomorrow." Paul said, closing the door behind Angel.
After he left the apartment, Angel walked with a slight spring in his step. The fact that he would be living semi-on his own was very liberating. He felt free and alive, a refreshing sensation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I want to thank all of you for joining me here today. I know this is a sad and somber occasion, but Sue would not have wanted it to be this way. She knew that she was gonna go any day now, and it came as no shock to any of us. She'd want us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death," Paul spoke in his usual preacher voice, standing outside in the warm June air amidst a sea of gravestones. Ali, Pam, Lisa, Steve, Gordon, Rae, Sherri, Angel, and Paul stood in a small, tight circle holding hands. Tears flowed freely down their faces, as they looked down at the gravestone in front of them. "Sue Yang. August 13 1960 - June 5 1996. Beloved wife and sister. NO DAY BUT TODAY."
"I know this is hard on everybody. Sue was a very good friend of mine. But we need to go on and be strong. We need to get her message heard. Seize the day, and live your life as if every moment were your last. That is what she wants all of us to remember about her. Would anybody like to add anything?"
The rest of the Life Support group stood still as statues. Even Gordon was crying silently, which touched them all. The only emotion they'd ever seen him express was anger; never had they seen him sad.
"We'll still have our meeting tonight at 9:30. I hope to see all of you there." Paul always concluded their sessions with a big group hug. The 9 people embraced, feeling the warmth of their bodies huddled together.
As the rest proceeded to leave, Angel stayed behind, mesmerized by Sue's gravestone. Kissing his finger and placing it on her grave, Angel left a small, barely noticeable red glitter mark. "I'll miss you, baby," he whispered, as he got up to leave, following the rest of the crew.
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"Queenie," Angel yelled to a seemingly empty house, "I'm home!"
"Hey," Fred said, emerging from the bedroom with his pajamas still on. "Queenie decided to seize the day and go shopping. I thought you weren't coming home until later."
"It ended sooner than I thought it would," Angel answered, somberly.
"Where did you go?"
"Queenie didn't tell you?"
"No, she just told me you were going out," he said, puzzled.
"Oh. My friend, Sue, from Life Support passed away and her funeral was today," Angel stated in the same, melancholy tone.
"Jesus, Ang, I'm so sorry. I had no idea, I -," Fred began.
"No, no it's alright. We all saw it coming, and so did she. She wasn't doing very well, you know. I mean, she'd been sick for so long and even when I first met her, she flat out told me that she was gonna die soon. It was no shock. It's still sad, though, because I really miss her."
"I think you've just said more now than you have in the past 2 months," Fred informed him, smiling shyly.
"You know, lately I've been a lot more. happy, I guess," he said, a bright smile appearing on his face. "I think Life Support is really helping me. I talked to Sue a little on the first night I was there, and her attitude amazed me. I didn't understand how someone could be so positive and love life so much when they were as sick as she was. But she just kept telling me to live for the moment and have no regrets and I think that really hit me. I'm gonna work hard to keep that in mind every day." He nodded in satisfaction.
"Good for you, Ang. So does that mean you're gonna start taking your AZT now?" Fred asked, in his all-knowing way.
"Wh - What do you mean? I've been taking my AZT, what did you think I was doing with it?" he asked, acting as if he knew nothing of the sort.
"Flush it down the toilet, stash it in your drawer. I've seen it all, and I can tell that you're not taking it."
"Why would you accuse me of that?" Angel continued, keeping up the act.
"Because it's the truth. I can tell. Don't play dumb with me, Angel, I know what you're doing." His voice was harsh and stern, light years away from his normally docile and calm demeanor.
"It's not gonna cure me," Angel mumbled, in a voice that Fred could barely hear.
"You're gonna die a lot sooner if you don't take it. I've had HIV for 4 years now. It could have been longer, I don't know. And I've been taking my AZT every day, and I haven't gotten sick yet. You're only killing yourself quicker."
"I'll start taking it, okay? Just lay off!" he exclaimed, walking away.
"I'm only telling you for your on good. We're one in the same, Angel, and I know what you're going through. As much as you like to think there's nobody in the world who understands, I do. Everyone with HIV and AIDS does. You're not alone in this. Don't make it that way."
"Whatever," he mumbled, and continued to walk away. "I'm getting ready, and then I'm going to Life Support. Tell Queenie I was home and I took my pills."
"Angel, I am not going to lie for you. She knows too, she just doesn't say anything."
"Then tell her I didn't take my pills, it doesn't matter. I do what I want! I'm almost 21 years old, I'm in control of my own life!"
"Don't get all 'rebellious teenager' on me, Angel. We're the ones that took you in and were there for you when you didn't have anybody else. I think you take that for granted. If Queenie hadn't been so welcoming, where would you be now? Tell me, honestly, where would you be?"
Taken slightly aback, Angel gawked at him. He had never even thought about that before. It didn't even occur to him that he could have a life without Queenie and Fred.
"I don't know," he answered quietly.
"Exactly. You take both of us for granted. Everything we've done for you has been in your best interest, and you need to keep believing that. We love you like our own son. why would you think anything different?"
"I don't' know," he whispered again.
"Don't walk all over us, and ignore us, thinking we're only around when you want us to be. As far as you and I are concerned, I'm the closest thing to a father you've ever had. I'm trying to help you, and you only listen to me when it's something you want to hear!"
"That's not true! I'm not some stubborn little bitch, Fred. I care so much about you and Queenie. You have no idea! But you don't' know what I'm going through. I got raped, damn it! I'm not over that yet!" he screamed, his body aching from keeping his anger so bottled up.
"I know you did, and we've all been trying to help you through it. You've been shutting us out, and I don't think I've spoken more than two words to you in the past two months! I know you're hurt, and I know you're traumatized, but don't shut out the people who love you the most! If you have to, do it to me, but not to Queenie. She comes crying to me every night because she thinks you don't love her anymore. She thinks you don't care!" his voice boomed, echoing around the barren room.
"Why would she ever think that? I love you both! I never thought I'd have to prove that to you!"
"You don't have to prove it to us, just love us all the time, like we love you. We are here for you whenever you need us, no matter when it is. We're never not gonna be here for you. Remember that."
"I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize what I was doing, and I just -," he figured it was pointless to continue, since it was hard to speak while crying.
"It's okay. And I understand why you're acting the way you are. I don't know completely what you're going through, but the diagnosis is a tough thing to handle. I've been there. But let Queenie and me support you. We're trying to do everything we can for you. All you need to do is let us."
"I know. I'm so sorry," Angel kept saying, over and over again, as Fred hugged him tightly.
"It's alright. Everything's gonna be fine, Ang, calm down."
Fred held him until his crying had ceased. The two of them stood there in that position for quite some time, in golden silence.
"I'm gonna get ready for Life Support," Angel said, finally interrupting the quiet.
"Okay. I'll see you later."
"You know, you should come sometime. I bet you'd really like it," he said, extending the invite to Fred.
"Maybe sometime. We'll see."
"I'll see you later. I love you, Fred."
"I love you too, Angel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After about an hour of excessive primping and five different outfit changes, Angel was finally ready to leave the house. He wore one of his all-time favorite outfits that Will had bought him on his twentieth birthday. It was a white leotard with one yellow sleeve and one orange sleeve. Over it, he wore a small green zip-up tank top with a leopard fuzz collar. The skirt he had on had large, brightly colored flowers on it, and he paired it with his favorite black shiny heels and green tights. On his head he had a headband with fake flower that he had made himself a few years ago, back when he was still living with Lenny. The black bob wig he wore with it fit the outfit perfectly.
Every time he wore the outfit, it seemed like something good happened. The last time he wore it, Queenie had surprised him with a spur- of-the-moment shopping spree where he had bought lots of new dresses and loads of glittery makeup. The time before that, Will had been in a surprisingly good mood, and he had picked Angel up at the club and took him out to dinner at Spring Gardens, his favorite restaurant. He was hoping that the good luck tradition with the outfit would continue tonight, as he smoothed his wig down one last time and left the house.
It was unusually warm from the early June night, and he was very comfortable in the clothes he had on. Usually, he was freezing. Dresses and tights didn't provide very much in the way of warmth. With the Life Support building in sight, Angel breathed a peaceful sigh as he continued to talk to his destination. In the alley just before the building, he heard people arguing.
"Hey chica. You lookin' hot tonight, baby!"
"Fuck off. Leave me alone."
"What a-matter, baby, you don't like guys?"
"I like guys, just not you!" a snappy, female voice quipped at the man, who sounded older than she did.
Thinking that he should go and help, Angel hesitated slightly, remembering the last time he tried to help someone being harassed by a stranger on the street. The results from that was the reason why he was in this neighborhood in the first place. He glanced down the alley and saw a small girl with wild curly cursing at the large, overweight skinhead in Spanish.
"Come on, baby, you know you want to," he coaxed.
"Bastardo," she mumbled under her breath, attempting to walk away.
"Yo, bitch, I was talking to you!" he said much sterner now, grabbing her arm.
Angel knew it was time to intervene. Hearing the heels of his shoes click in the alley as he walked, Angel approached the two of them abruptly.
"Is there a problem here?" he questioned, his voice sounding high and feminine, but still considerably deeper than the average female.
"Oh look. A little faggot in a dress. How cute," he mumbled, pushing the Spanish girl up against the way.
"I didn't ask you what you thought o my outfit, I asked if there was a problem here," Angel snapped, standing with his arms across his chest and his hip sticking out.
"Listen, bitch, just leave. Me and her got our own business to attend to."
"From the look of things, darling, it seems as though you're running a one-man business, and she does not look too interested your product." The girl giggled as Angel was speaking.
"Oh you asked for it, faggot," the skinhead grumbled coming towards Angel. Calmly, Angel kicked him squarely in his package, four inch heels and all, watching the bald, overweight man keel over in pain.
"Honey, I am more of a man than you'll ever be, and more of a woman than you'll ever get." He giggled, watching the man writhe in pain.
"Bitch," he mumbled under his breath.
Angel looked down at him one more time, before turning to the Spanish girl, standing up against the wall with a giant smirk on her face.
"Hey, you okay?" he asked her.
"I'm fine. I'm used to it, actually, it happens a lot," she responded, brushing a curly lock of hair out of her face.
"You sure?" he prodded, coming towards her.
"You know, now that you mention it, maybe I'd better sit down for a bit."
"Alright, come here," he said, draping his arm around her shoulders.
Gripping onto his waist, the girl leaned into him.
"I'm Angel, by the way."
"You can call me Mimi," the girl said, holding Angel tightly.
"Mimi? Is that your real name?"
"No, but that's what everyone calls me."
"What's your real name, then?"
"That is for another place and another time. So, Angel. I take it your Hispanic, then?" she asked, changing the subject.
"Yes. Finally, somebody who realizes that Angel is indeed my real name," Angel said, relieved.
"Hey, it's part of la cultura hispanica, right?" she asked, her Spanish accent perfected.
"Absolutely. God, it's been so long since I've heard someone speak Spanish," he said as they continued to walk towards the Life Support building. "I mean, the last time was -."
A beeper going off interrupted their talking. They let go of each other, and stared one another down.
"Do you -?" he asked, his eyes showing both confusion and hope.
"HIV," she replied quietly, as she uncapped a bottle of white pills. "Time for an AZT break."
"I have it too," Angel replied, bewildered. "I was just heading to Life Support now, have you heard of it?"
"Yeah, but I've never been. I usually work late nights at the club, and I've never had time. I've never known anybody who goes there, either."
"Would you like to come with me?" Angel asked, his arm going back to its position around her shoulder.
"I'd really like that," she replied quietly, placing her arm around Angel's waist once again. "I have a feeling we're gonna end up being really good friends, Angel."
"Me too," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Welcome Angel!" Paul greeted as Angel and Mimi walked into the room. "I see you've brought someone with you. What's your name?"
"You can call me Mimi," she said, holding onto Angel's hand and gripping it so tightly his fingers were beginning to turn purple.
"It's nice to meet you, Mimi. Come in and join us. We're just beginning."
Angel and Mimi sat next to each other, still holding hands, as the meeting began.
"First of all, before we continue our affirmation, I just wanted to thank you all again for coming to Sue's memorial. I know it meant a lot to me, and she would feel very honored to know that all of you were there. She'll be in our hearts and memories forever, and her message will live on within all of us." The group nodded somberly as they sat in silence.
"I'd like to start," Angel said, quietly. The group stared at him in shock. He'd never spoken at the group meetings.
"Way to go, Ang," Rae said, smiling at him.
Angel grinned, shyly, back at the group as he began to talk. "I didn't even want to come to these meetings in the first place. I really felt like I was the only one in the world who had HIV, and that nobody understood what I was going through. I didn't get it like a lot of people, though. Everyone assumes that because I'm some gay girly-boy, I got it through having a lot of sex with lots of different men. Now, granted I've been around the block -." This elicited some giggles from the group "but that's not how I got it. I got raped back in March, by my ex-boyfriend's drug dealer. It's a long, painful story, and I'm not gonna tell you all about it now, but I will tell you that it's made me appreciate everything so much more. My life has so much more meaning now. I can't say that I'm happy that I have HIV, but it's definitely turned me around."
The group smiled at him, slightly surprised at his openness. "Ang, that was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing with us," Sherri said quietly, while leaning up against Rae.
Blushing slightly, Angel accepted the compliment. For the rest of the meeting, he sat back quietly and listened to others intently, as he usually did. Mimi sat next to him, not saying a word, picking at her nails and doing everything in her power to avoid eye contact with all the people at the meeting. The time flew by, as Paul looked as watch, his eyes bulging as he realized what time it was.
"You guys, we've been here for about three hours, so I'd like to wrap this up. Sorry to cut you off, Pam, but I think everyone's gotta get going."
"That's okay, Paul, don't worry about it," Pam said quietly, slumping back down in her seat.
"Thanks to all of you for coming tonight, and a special thanks to Mimi for joining our group. We hope to be seeing you quite a bit at these little meetings of ours. All right everyone, group hug!" Paul announced as everyone rose from their chairs and gathered in the center of the circle, hugging each and every person tightly. When the embraces ceased, Paul unlocked the door the apartment, letting everyone out. "Remember," he called after then, "No Day But Today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel walked outside, holding Mimi's hand. "I'm sorry that took so long," he apologized, "They're usually only about an hour."
"Hey, it's okay, don't worry about it. I just had to get out of there and have a smoke. I was dying!" She exclaimed, as she reached into the waistband of her pants and pulled out a cigarette. "Got a light?"
"No, sorry, I don't things like that," Angel mumbled, as she approached a woman walking by who had a lighter in her hand.
"It's very relaxing," she explained, as she took a puff of her cigarette.
"How old are you, honey?" he asked, looking skeptically at her. He could see that she wasn't over 20; her skin was wrinkle-free and her deep, brown eyes were wide with an innocence he hadn't seen in anyone since he was with Lenny.
"I'm seventeen, but I'm old for my age," she said, tossing her brown curls behind her shoulder, as an attempt to look more sophisticated. "What about you, chica?"
"I'm almost 21. You know, Mimi, you really shouldn't be smoking at such a young age: it isn't good for you," Angel explained, acting like a concerned parent.
"You think smoking's bad? You don't even wanna know what else I do. But I don't need a lecture from some underage drag queen, alright?" Mimi snapped at him, taking another puff of her cigarette.
"Hey hey," Angel said, his eyes narrowing slightly, "No need to get an attitude."
Looking towards the ground and putting her cigarette out, Mimi cracked her knuckles. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that I get lectures like that from everyone. I mean, even my boyfriend tries to lecture me about what I'm doing. It's completely my choice, and I don't need people telling me what to do. My parents tried that, and I ran away as fast as I could. I don't like rules, and I don't like people who try to make them."
"Wow, honey, you are fierce," Angel stated, smiling as he put his arm around her shoulder. "I like it. So tell me about this boy of yours. Is he cute?"
Mimi giggled as she and Angel began to walk away from the Life Support building. "Yeah, he is. He's really cute. His name's Chase, and I've been living with him for almost a year. He's a really great guy, and he's so supportive of me. After I had the miscarriage, we started dating and he's been there for me ever since."
"You had a miscarriage?" Angel asked, shocked.
"Yeah, when I was 16. I got HIV from that guy who got me pregnant. He was a real jackass. He told me after we'd slept together that he might be infected. I hate him so much for giving this to me. I'm glad I didn't have that kid, though, because then he'd have to pay child support and everything, and I just don't like the guy, so it's good that I don't have to deal with him. Chase is positive too, though. He's bisexual and his boyfriend gave it to him, or so he thinks. I made him get tested before we got involved, so we knew there was no risk. You should meet him sometime, he's really sweet."
"Wow, you've been through a lot for someone so young. My life hasn't been cake either, but when I was 17, it was smooth sailing compared to the last year," Angel said, more to himself than to her.
"Do you wanna tell me about it?" she questioned, guiding Angel towards a large building on the corner of 11th street and avenue B.
"I think we'll save that for another time and another place," Angel laughed, reaching up and touching his false hair, realizing that his flower headband was missing. "Shit!"
"What's wrong?" Mimi asked, as they stopped in front of the building.
"I think I left my headband at the Life support meeting. I love that thing. I should probably go back and get it. Is this your apartment?"
"Yeah, I'm on the first floor. I'll be fine. Thanks for taking me out, Angel, I really appreciate it. Ooh!" she squealed, as she remembered something, "I want to give you my phone number. Call me whenever you're free, and we'll go out somewhere. Just come in with me for a minute and I'll write it down for you."
"I actually have a pen right here," Angel mumbled, as he shuffled through the tiny, glittery purse and pulled out a small, checkbook pen. "Write it on my hand. It'll be the first girl's number I've ever gotten. It's a special occasion, honey."
Giggling again, Mimi wrote her phone number neatly on the top of Angel's hand. She gave him back the pen, and hugged him tightly. "I'm really glad I met you."
"Glad I met you too, Mimi. I'll call you, I promise."
"Bye," she called, as she walked briskly into her building.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ever since the rape, Angel hated walking alone in the city at night. He was paranoid that, somewhere, he'd see Chad and live the whole nightmare over again. Crossing his arms over his chest, he continued walking the few blocks back to Paul's apartment where the Life Support meetings were held. He felt guilty bothering Paul this late at night, but that headband had special sentimental value to him, and he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight unless he knew it was safe in his bedroom.
Knocking lightly on Paul's door, Angel stood with his hands gripping his arms, trying to stay warm. Even though it was early June, the nights were still quite chilly, and, as usual, Angel wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather.
Answering the door in a pair of faded flannel pants and big grey sweatshirt, Paul smiled brilliantly as he saw Angel at the door. "What are you doing here so late?" Paul questioned.
"I left something here. I'm so sorry to bother you, but it really means a lot to me and I -,"
Paul handed him the headband, laden with fake pink flowers. "I figured it was yours. Nobody else in our group wears accessories quite like this."
Angel giggled as he took the headband back and put it around his wrist. "Thank you so much, and I'm so sorry to be bothering you this late."
"No no, it's okay, don't worry about it!" Paul exclaimed, opening the door further. "Come in, sit down, have some coffee or something."
"I really should get back home. Queenie and Fred are probably worried sick," he mumbled to himself.
"Who's Queenie and Fred?" Paul questioned, as he motioned for Angel to come in and sit down.
Accepting the invitation, he walked inside and sat in a rickety wooden chair. "They're my, well, hmm." Angel pondered, not knowing quite how to explain his relationship with the two of them. "They're like the parents I never had."
"So, technically, you still live with your parents?"
Blushing at the thought of a 21 year old still living with his parents, Angel smiled shyly, and answered, "Yes, I guess so."
"That simply won't do," Paul stated, shaking his head.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I can't have you living with your parents anymore. Not at your age. I've got plenty of space here. Why don't you crash at my place until you can find one of your own?"
Shocked at the offer, Angel raised his eyebrows and looked straight at Paul. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah, I've done it for plenty of the other Life Support members. I'll help you find a job and your own apartment, and I'll get you back on your feet. I've known so many people who have had a lot of trouble getting their life back on track after diagnosis, and I've helped them as much as I can. Keep in mind, though, this is not a permanent residence. I want you to live your own life in your own place. It's very liberating."
"Oh my god, I don't even know what to say to that. I'm so flattered. I'll have to talk to Queenie and Fred about it, but that's such a nice thing of you to do. I'll pay you rent and everything, I promise. I've never been on my own paying rent before. I feel so." Angel paused, breathing in a deep sigh, "free."
"That's the way it should be," Paul explained, his dazzling smile lighting up the room. "You let me know tomorrow at Life Support what the deal is, and we'll work something out."
"Paul, thank you so much," Angel said, hugging him tightly as he got up to go home. "You're such a big help to me in every way."
"It's no problem, Ang, I'm glad to be of service. See you tomorrow." Paul said, closing the door behind Angel.
After he left the apartment, Angel walked with a slight spring in his step. The fact that he would be living semi-on his own was very liberating. He felt free and alive, a refreshing sensation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~