Chapter 40: You Live A Lie.
Angel sat quietly outside the back of the Cat Scratch Club, waiting for Mimi to come out. The two of them had just found out about this great new gay club, Metropolis, in the heart of the East Village. Angel had been looking for an excuse to go out and get more hot dates, since the last time he had gone out dancing was Halloween, and it was now mid-January. Since Christmas, Mimi had been apologizing to him on a daily basis for what she said about how he was lucky he had no parents. It had been a difficult apology to accept, but Angel was never the type to stay mad at anyone for a long period of time. It wasn't in his nature. Tonight, Mimi had promised that she'd "make it up to him-hardcore," by taking him to Metropolis. She had to work the evening shift at the club, which meant that she'd be getting off around eight. As usual, she would meet Angel in the back of the Cat Scratch Club where all the dumpsters and used cigarettes were.
He sat on a giant white tub, noting that there was another one just in front of him. Pulling the tub between his knees, he started to bang softly on it. It reminded him of the days in High School when he would skip his math classes to sit in the music studio and drum for hours. Lenny used to come and join him, making up some lame song to go along with his killer rhythms. He didn't think about Lenny very much, but when he did, he felt youthful again. He couldn't believe that it had been almost six years since he had stopped dating Lenny. It felt like only yesterday.
Just like old times, his hands took on a life of their own, pounding onto the white tub, creating some new, original rhythms unlike anything he'd ever played before. Playing on the tub really made him miss his old drums. Shutting his eyes, he began to play harder and faster, letting his mind wander as his hands did the communicating with the outside world. Sometimes, Angel felt the only way to truly express himself was through music.
He didn't know how long he'd been playing, or how long his butt had been numbing on the other tub, but Mimi stood in front of him and applauded, breaking his trance. "Bravo, Ang. I didn't know you could play the drums like that!"
"Yeah, I used to play in High School. I've always wanted to start playing again, but I've never had the time or the materials. And this tub right here," he said, picking up the tub and reading the side label "Shickle's Pickles? It seemed like the perfect instrument."
"You know, there's this guy I know who plays the drums on the street right outside Washington Square Park. You should try that sometime!" Mimi exclaimed, her eyes lighting up with excitement.
"Street drumming? I don't know, isn't that something that homeless people do? And who, in their right mind, would pay for a drag queen street drummer banging this Shickle's Pickle tub?"
Giggling, Mimi responded, "It would certainly be interesting, I can tell you that much. You should try it sometime."
"If I'm ever really desperate," Angel said, picking up the tub and holding it under his arm. "You ready to go? I've got this slammin' new outfit for tonight and I can't wait to meet some new guys!"
"You and your men," Mimi sighed, shaking her head, "All right, let's head out."
Angel squealed with excitement as he skipped down the alley holding Mimi's hand.
"Oh my god. I didn't know there were gonna be so many people," Angel whispered, awe-struck. Masses of men dressed to impress curled around the side of building. Angel had never seen so many good-looking guys concentrated in one area before. The Life Support parties were one thing: there was a reasonable number of attractive men, but none that were so incredibly eye-catching they made him drool. This crowd, however, was entirely opposite. Every man seemed to be even more attractive than the next. Joining the long line of people at the very end, Angel stood in front of Mimi, completely and totally entranced. "They're all hot."
"Come on, Ang, not all of them are that good-looking," Mimi reasoned, staring at the man in front of her.
"No, I'm really not exaggerating, they are ALL attractive. I haven't seen this many hot guys since.ever!" Angel was giddy with excitement as the line began to move, letting each guy in one by one.
Finally, Angel and Mimi were admitted. The club wasn't even checking ID's, so Angel considered himself lucky. Mimi was only seventeen and he didn't have his ID on him. Wandering into the club, the two tried to take in their surroundings as best they could, but it was overwhelming. A lit- up dance floor illuminated the go-go-dancers on it and above them a large sign blinked the name "METROPOLIS."
The music was loud, but not as insanely loud as it was at Club Tran. An old favorite of Angel's, "Let's Hear It For The Boy," was playing and crowds upon crowds of men were bumping and grinding together. Looking over at Mimi, he smiled at her and said, "It's time for me to get my night started."
"Enjoy, Ang. I'll be at the bar, so let me know when you're ready to leave," Mimi said, casually, walking off to the classy bar at the back of club.
Now alone, Angel wandered about the perimeter of the dance floor. He really wanted to dance, but he didn't know anyone at this club and dancing by oneself was too lonely. Scanning the dance floor for a new, hot guy, Angel finally spotted one. A gorgeous, youthful blonde boy danced provocatively up against a much older man. The blonde couldn't have been more than 19 and his partner looked to be at least in his mid twenties. It was uncharacteristic of Angel to approach a guy like this, especially a guy who dancing with another guy, but the blonde boy was too cute to pass up. Taking a dive onto the dance floor, he swam through the masses of sweaty, dancing men to the center of the floor where the blonde boy and his partner were dancing. He came up quietly next to the boy and smiled at him. The boy smiled back with a dazzling, sparkling smile that illuminated the dance floor. He turned away from his partner and began to dance with Angel. Minutes later they were grinding up against each other, eyes closed, completely engrossed in the music. The boy's partner put his arms around both of them. Angel didn't realize how insanely beautiful he was until he saw him up close: the man was absolutely stunning. Intense deep brown eyes stared at Angel and his new dance partner and brown hair flopped in his eyes. A black button up shirt with rolled-up sleeves covered his body and fitted, faded blue jeans covered his legs. Smiling slightly at both of the boys, he began to walk off the dance floor. Grabbing Angel's hand, the blonde boy guided him off, trailing behind his partner.
Walking through clumps of dancing people and a dimly lit doorway, the threesome found themselves in the back room of the club. Many couples occupied the corners of the hallways; all having a gratifying one night stand. The blonde boy's partner pushed Angel up against the wall and ripped his shirt off. Angel wasn't wearing drag tonight: he thought that a club like Metropolis would not be suitable for a girly-boy in a dress. The blonde boy began to unzip Angel's pants. His partner began to kiss Angel, hard and passionate, on the mouth as Angel shut his eyes, his mind swimming with pleasurable thoughts.
The two men pleasured him and Angel leaned against the wall, occasionally moaning in euphoric happiness. Almost as quickly as it began, he climaxed and the men stood up. Angel zipped his pants back up and looked both men in the eye in sheer wonder at how they could have been so quick, yet so amazing.
"Can I have your number?" he asked softly, searching through the pocket of jeans for paper and pen.
"I'm sorry, but our services are one-time only," the older man said, keeping his arm firmly around the shoulder of his younger partner.
Disappointed, Angel removed his hand from his pocket and looked back at them. "Then can I ever see you again?"
"We'll see you in your dreams." The partners walked off together without looking back.
Angel walked slowly back into the club and turned straight to the bar. He had just had the best pleasure of his life, but was now disappointed because he would never see those two men again. He had a feeling they were a couple, but had one of those open relationships. Sighing, he spotted Mimi in the corner, sipping on a drink with a bunch of empty glasses in front of her.
"Hey baby. How was the bar?" he asked, smiling at Mimi who gulped down another drink.
"Fabulous," she replied, slurring her words and smiling. "How was your fuck of the night? Was he any good?"
"THEY were amazing," Angel told her, satisfied, "And, yes, there were two of them."
"Two? Fuck you, you dirty slut!" Mimi exclaimed, laughing a drunken giggle.
"I know I'm a slut, but it was so worth it tonight. The two of them were amazing. I swear to god, it was the best head of my life."
"Glad to hear it." She patted Angel on the back. Catching the attention of the bar tender, she waved him over, "Can I get another one of these?"
"Darling, that is your sixth drink tonight. Don't you think you've had enough?" he asked, concerned.
"I said I want another one!" she yelled, slamming the empty glass on the table.
"Mimi, baby, it's time to go home," Angel stated, picking her up off the stool and supporting her as he dragged her out. "I'm sorry about that," Angel said to the bartender as they left.
"Angel! I'm fine!" Mimi moaned as he dragged her out of the door. Her eyes were glazed over and she could barely stand up straight. He'd seen her drunk before, but it was never this bad.
"No, you're not fine. Why did you drink so much?"
"Because there's nothing to do when I go to gay clubs. I go to hang out with my best friend Angel, but all he does is have lots of sex with lots of guys. I'm surprised you haven't gotten any STD's yet."
Suppressing his anger, Angel decided it was best to ignore what Mimi just said, considering the fact that she was completely plastered. "Mimi, I'm gonna walk you to your door, you're gonna rest up, and I'll come by tomorrow and see how you're doing," he spoke, holding her up as they walked through the front door of her building.
"Think about what I said, Angel," Mimi said, slurring her words so he could barely understand her, "You're living a lie."
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The walk home hadn't been an easy one. Try as he did, Angel couldn't brush off what Mimi had said. "You're living a lie," slurred words echoed in his head. He kept trying to get Mimi's comment out of his head by humming the tune to the song he danced to in the club. The thoughts of the night's events before he reconnected with Mimi made him smile. At least he had a good time.
He continued to think of his hot hookup as he entered Paul's apartment, grinning from ear to ear. Throwing his coat on the couch, he turned to go into his bedroom when he saw Paul sitting at the table, sitting in a bathrobe and sipping steaming coffee. "Oh my god, you scared me! I didn't see you when I came in," Angel said.
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I was kinda worried about you, actually. How was your night?" Paul asked, still staring into his coffee.
"It was great. Oh my god, Paul, I got the best blowjob of my life. Why were you so worried?" Angel questioned, tilting his head to the side.
"Because you're living a lie," he stated bluntly, placing his spoon back in the coffee as he stared into Angel's eyes.
"You too? Mimi said the same thing to me tonight. Of course, she was falling-over drunk, but still. What would make you say something like that?" his voice was starting to get a bit harsher, his tone more defensive.
"For once, Mimi's right about something. What happened to wanting to be in love, Angel? Like that fairy tale romance you were talking about. Where did that dream go?"
Cracking his knuckles, his eyes narrowing into slits, Angel glared at him. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Frankly, I don't care if you want to talk about it or not," Paul stated firmly, standing up. He was exactly at eye-level with Angel. "Something needs to be said and I'm not gonna sit around and watch you come home every night after having even more meaningless sex with random guys that you meet at those Life Support conventions."
"Well, you're the one that brought me in the first place, so I don't know what you're complaining about," he said, brushing off Paul's comments.
"Those events are meant for people living with HIV to meet other people in the same boat so that they can discuss it. Obviously, you don't like to discuss your problems. You'd rather go off and fuck everything that moves than admit that there's something wrong."
"That's not true!" Angel yelled taking a step closer to Paul, "There's nothing wrong! Everything's fine!"
"No, you see, that's where you're wrong. Everything's not fine. If everything was fine, you would stay true to your morals and not fuck around every night."
"I don't know what morals you're talking about and I don't understand why you have such a problem with me having a good time," Angel protested, crossing his arms over his chest.
"But that's the thing. You're not having a good time. You're lying to yourself. You don't want this, and I know that you don't want it -."
"No, I -," Angel interrupted.
"Don't interrupt me and let me finish," Paul stated firmly. He was not used to Paul being this stern with him. As far as he had seen, Paul was nothing but considerate and easy-going. Never had he acted in such an upfront, aggressive manner. "I know why you're acting this way and, whether you admit it or not, I think that deep down inside you know it too. I know you've been through hell. After all the stories you've told me, it's obvious that your life hasn't been easy. But that's no reason to betray everything you want and everything you've been taught."
"Okay, Paul, if you're so smart, then why am I acting this way?" Angel questioned, a sarcastic snap in his voice.
"Because you got raped and you don't know how to deal with it."
"How dare you bring that into this!" Angel yelled, feeling tears well up in eyes. Getting rape was something that he never wanted to discuss with anyone. Anytime the subject of rape came up in the conversation, Angel would close himself off immediately.
"Because that's the truth. People deal with these things in two ways: they don't touch anyone, or they touch everyone. When you first moved in with me, you kept talking about how you wanted this fairy-tale romance and how you wanted to find your prince charming. All you've done is fuck around, insisting that this is what you want: meaningless sex, and nothing more. I don't believe it for a second."
"What makes you think that I want to have sex because I got raped? I have sex because I like it. It feels good, and it makes me happy. I'm good at it too-my partners have no objections. So why do you have such a problem?"
"Just be honest with yourself, Angel. Is this really what you want? Do you really need to run around and fuck every guy in town just to prove to yourself that you don't need love or attachment?" he paused, raising an eyebrow at Angel. Angel said nothing. "I've met plenty of rape victims- you're not the only one. Especially after what happened with Will-how he betrayed you and hurt you-it's understandable where your fear of relationships and attachment is. But what you're doing right now is not healthy. It's not helping anyone, and you might think that it's making you happy, but all it does is further suppress something that needs to be talked about and taken care of."
"I told you, everything's fine," Angel said softly as he began to cry. There weren't any hysterics, no shaking, no screaming: just tears dripping down his face.
"Talk to me, Angel," Paul said gently, staring at Angel until he was ready to speak.
"I can't," he whispered, turning away from Paul.
"You know you -."
"I can't because I don't know," Angel stated, his voice sounding small and weak, "I don't know what I want, and I don't know how to get it. I like having sex. It feels good. But no matter how good it feels, I can't help myself from thinking about Will and Lenny-about love. I'm scared to death of everything. Every time I walk up to a guy I'm so afraid he's gonna be just like Chad: he'll come up behind me, unzip his pants, and do it. They never do, though. Every guy I've slept with has used protection and treated me like a queen. I don't know why I keep doing it if I'm so scared," he said, smiling a bit.
"You keep doing it because you're looking for your soul mate. You're looking for the person who will make you complete. Yes, sex is the most intimate act a human can commit, but no matter how close you think you're getting, nothing compares with sharing a soul with someone. You keep searching, and I can tell every time you come home that there's a certain emptiness inside of you that you can't shake off, even if you have slept with half the gay population in New York City."
Angel sighed and looked at him, trying to comprehend all that had just been said. "I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Just think, Angel. Think about what you really want and how you're gonna get it. Think about your life and how you can change it to make your days the best that they can be."
Angel nodded as he disappeared into the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind him.
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It was almost 5 AM by the time Angel had shut his lights off. Paul had gone to bed a long time ago, shortly after Angel had retired to his room for the night. He couldn't sleep: the conversation played over in his head. For some reason, Paul's words were echoing over and over. "Just think, Angel. Think about what you want and how you're gonna get it."
All he could think about was Paul's speech. Angel enjoyed having sex: he loved knowing that men found him attractive and that they wanted to sleep with him. He was being a bit extreme with his sexuality, but it was something that felt right. In a final effort to get Paul's words out of his head, he thought about the other part of the night: the part where two beautiful men gave him pleasure at once. This brought a smile to his face as he leaned back and shut his eyes, recreating the feeling of the blonde's hands running down his body. Shifting his hand under the covers, he kept his eyes closed and laid back on his pillow, quickly trying to forget what Paul said, surrendering himself to another round of extreme yet self destructive pleasure.
Never in his life had he ever felt so alone.
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A/N: Snaps to anybody who got the Queer as Folk references ( REVIEW PLEASE!!! Suggestions are always welcome!
Angel sat quietly outside the back of the Cat Scratch Club, waiting for Mimi to come out. The two of them had just found out about this great new gay club, Metropolis, in the heart of the East Village. Angel had been looking for an excuse to go out and get more hot dates, since the last time he had gone out dancing was Halloween, and it was now mid-January. Since Christmas, Mimi had been apologizing to him on a daily basis for what she said about how he was lucky he had no parents. It had been a difficult apology to accept, but Angel was never the type to stay mad at anyone for a long period of time. It wasn't in his nature. Tonight, Mimi had promised that she'd "make it up to him-hardcore," by taking him to Metropolis. She had to work the evening shift at the club, which meant that she'd be getting off around eight. As usual, she would meet Angel in the back of the Cat Scratch Club where all the dumpsters and used cigarettes were.
He sat on a giant white tub, noting that there was another one just in front of him. Pulling the tub between his knees, he started to bang softly on it. It reminded him of the days in High School when he would skip his math classes to sit in the music studio and drum for hours. Lenny used to come and join him, making up some lame song to go along with his killer rhythms. He didn't think about Lenny very much, but when he did, he felt youthful again. He couldn't believe that it had been almost six years since he had stopped dating Lenny. It felt like only yesterday.
Just like old times, his hands took on a life of their own, pounding onto the white tub, creating some new, original rhythms unlike anything he'd ever played before. Playing on the tub really made him miss his old drums. Shutting his eyes, he began to play harder and faster, letting his mind wander as his hands did the communicating with the outside world. Sometimes, Angel felt the only way to truly express himself was through music.
He didn't know how long he'd been playing, or how long his butt had been numbing on the other tub, but Mimi stood in front of him and applauded, breaking his trance. "Bravo, Ang. I didn't know you could play the drums like that!"
"Yeah, I used to play in High School. I've always wanted to start playing again, but I've never had the time or the materials. And this tub right here," he said, picking up the tub and reading the side label "Shickle's Pickles? It seemed like the perfect instrument."
"You know, there's this guy I know who plays the drums on the street right outside Washington Square Park. You should try that sometime!" Mimi exclaimed, her eyes lighting up with excitement.
"Street drumming? I don't know, isn't that something that homeless people do? And who, in their right mind, would pay for a drag queen street drummer banging this Shickle's Pickle tub?"
Giggling, Mimi responded, "It would certainly be interesting, I can tell you that much. You should try it sometime."
"If I'm ever really desperate," Angel said, picking up the tub and holding it under his arm. "You ready to go? I've got this slammin' new outfit for tonight and I can't wait to meet some new guys!"
"You and your men," Mimi sighed, shaking her head, "All right, let's head out."
Angel squealed with excitement as he skipped down the alley holding Mimi's hand.
"Oh my god. I didn't know there were gonna be so many people," Angel whispered, awe-struck. Masses of men dressed to impress curled around the side of building. Angel had never seen so many good-looking guys concentrated in one area before. The Life Support parties were one thing: there was a reasonable number of attractive men, but none that were so incredibly eye-catching they made him drool. This crowd, however, was entirely opposite. Every man seemed to be even more attractive than the next. Joining the long line of people at the very end, Angel stood in front of Mimi, completely and totally entranced. "They're all hot."
"Come on, Ang, not all of them are that good-looking," Mimi reasoned, staring at the man in front of her.
"No, I'm really not exaggerating, they are ALL attractive. I haven't seen this many hot guys since.ever!" Angel was giddy with excitement as the line began to move, letting each guy in one by one.
Finally, Angel and Mimi were admitted. The club wasn't even checking ID's, so Angel considered himself lucky. Mimi was only seventeen and he didn't have his ID on him. Wandering into the club, the two tried to take in their surroundings as best they could, but it was overwhelming. A lit- up dance floor illuminated the go-go-dancers on it and above them a large sign blinked the name "METROPOLIS."
The music was loud, but not as insanely loud as it was at Club Tran. An old favorite of Angel's, "Let's Hear It For The Boy," was playing and crowds upon crowds of men were bumping and grinding together. Looking over at Mimi, he smiled at her and said, "It's time for me to get my night started."
"Enjoy, Ang. I'll be at the bar, so let me know when you're ready to leave," Mimi said, casually, walking off to the classy bar at the back of club.
Now alone, Angel wandered about the perimeter of the dance floor. He really wanted to dance, but he didn't know anyone at this club and dancing by oneself was too lonely. Scanning the dance floor for a new, hot guy, Angel finally spotted one. A gorgeous, youthful blonde boy danced provocatively up against a much older man. The blonde couldn't have been more than 19 and his partner looked to be at least in his mid twenties. It was uncharacteristic of Angel to approach a guy like this, especially a guy who dancing with another guy, but the blonde boy was too cute to pass up. Taking a dive onto the dance floor, he swam through the masses of sweaty, dancing men to the center of the floor where the blonde boy and his partner were dancing. He came up quietly next to the boy and smiled at him. The boy smiled back with a dazzling, sparkling smile that illuminated the dance floor. He turned away from his partner and began to dance with Angel. Minutes later they were grinding up against each other, eyes closed, completely engrossed in the music. The boy's partner put his arms around both of them. Angel didn't realize how insanely beautiful he was until he saw him up close: the man was absolutely stunning. Intense deep brown eyes stared at Angel and his new dance partner and brown hair flopped in his eyes. A black button up shirt with rolled-up sleeves covered his body and fitted, faded blue jeans covered his legs. Smiling slightly at both of the boys, he began to walk off the dance floor. Grabbing Angel's hand, the blonde boy guided him off, trailing behind his partner.
Walking through clumps of dancing people and a dimly lit doorway, the threesome found themselves in the back room of the club. Many couples occupied the corners of the hallways; all having a gratifying one night stand. The blonde boy's partner pushed Angel up against the wall and ripped his shirt off. Angel wasn't wearing drag tonight: he thought that a club like Metropolis would not be suitable for a girly-boy in a dress. The blonde boy began to unzip Angel's pants. His partner began to kiss Angel, hard and passionate, on the mouth as Angel shut his eyes, his mind swimming with pleasurable thoughts.
The two men pleasured him and Angel leaned against the wall, occasionally moaning in euphoric happiness. Almost as quickly as it began, he climaxed and the men stood up. Angel zipped his pants back up and looked both men in the eye in sheer wonder at how they could have been so quick, yet so amazing.
"Can I have your number?" he asked softly, searching through the pocket of jeans for paper and pen.
"I'm sorry, but our services are one-time only," the older man said, keeping his arm firmly around the shoulder of his younger partner.
Disappointed, Angel removed his hand from his pocket and looked back at them. "Then can I ever see you again?"
"We'll see you in your dreams." The partners walked off together without looking back.
Angel walked slowly back into the club and turned straight to the bar. He had just had the best pleasure of his life, but was now disappointed because he would never see those two men again. He had a feeling they were a couple, but had one of those open relationships. Sighing, he spotted Mimi in the corner, sipping on a drink with a bunch of empty glasses in front of her.
"Hey baby. How was the bar?" he asked, smiling at Mimi who gulped down another drink.
"Fabulous," she replied, slurring her words and smiling. "How was your fuck of the night? Was he any good?"
"THEY were amazing," Angel told her, satisfied, "And, yes, there were two of them."
"Two? Fuck you, you dirty slut!" Mimi exclaimed, laughing a drunken giggle.
"I know I'm a slut, but it was so worth it tonight. The two of them were amazing. I swear to god, it was the best head of my life."
"Glad to hear it." She patted Angel on the back. Catching the attention of the bar tender, she waved him over, "Can I get another one of these?"
"Darling, that is your sixth drink tonight. Don't you think you've had enough?" he asked, concerned.
"I said I want another one!" she yelled, slamming the empty glass on the table.
"Mimi, baby, it's time to go home," Angel stated, picking her up off the stool and supporting her as he dragged her out. "I'm sorry about that," Angel said to the bartender as they left.
"Angel! I'm fine!" Mimi moaned as he dragged her out of the door. Her eyes were glazed over and she could barely stand up straight. He'd seen her drunk before, but it was never this bad.
"No, you're not fine. Why did you drink so much?"
"Because there's nothing to do when I go to gay clubs. I go to hang out with my best friend Angel, but all he does is have lots of sex with lots of guys. I'm surprised you haven't gotten any STD's yet."
Suppressing his anger, Angel decided it was best to ignore what Mimi just said, considering the fact that she was completely plastered. "Mimi, I'm gonna walk you to your door, you're gonna rest up, and I'll come by tomorrow and see how you're doing," he spoke, holding her up as they walked through the front door of her building.
"Think about what I said, Angel," Mimi said, slurring her words so he could barely understand her, "You're living a lie."
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The walk home hadn't been an easy one. Try as he did, Angel couldn't brush off what Mimi had said. "You're living a lie," slurred words echoed in his head. He kept trying to get Mimi's comment out of his head by humming the tune to the song he danced to in the club. The thoughts of the night's events before he reconnected with Mimi made him smile. At least he had a good time.
He continued to think of his hot hookup as he entered Paul's apartment, grinning from ear to ear. Throwing his coat on the couch, he turned to go into his bedroom when he saw Paul sitting at the table, sitting in a bathrobe and sipping steaming coffee. "Oh my god, you scared me! I didn't see you when I came in," Angel said.
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I was kinda worried about you, actually. How was your night?" Paul asked, still staring into his coffee.
"It was great. Oh my god, Paul, I got the best blowjob of my life. Why were you so worried?" Angel questioned, tilting his head to the side.
"Because you're living a lie," he stated bluntly, placing his spoon back in the coffee as he stared into Angel's eyes.
"You too? Mimi said the same thing to me tonight. Of course, she was falling-over drunk, but still. What would make you say something like that?" his voice was starting to get a bit harsher, his tone more defensive.
"For once, Mimi's right about something. What happened to wanting to be in love, Angel? Like that fairy tale romance you were talking about. Where did that dream go?"
Cracking his knuckles, his eyes narrowing into slits, Angel glared at him. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Frankly, I don't care if you want to talk about it or not," Paul stated firmly, standing up. He was exactly at eye-level with Angel. "Something needs to be said and I'm not gonna sit around and watch you come home every night after having even more meaningless sex with random guys that you meet at those Life Support conventions."
"Well, you're the one that brought me in the first place, so I don't know what you're complaining about," he said, brushing off Paul's comments.
"Those events are meant for people living with HIV to meet other people in the same boat so that they can discuss it. Obviously, you don't like to discuss your problems. You'd rather go off and fuck everything that moves than admit that there's something wrong."
"That's not true!" Angel yelled taking a step closer to Paul, "There's nothing wrong! Everything's fine!"
"No, you see, that's where you're wrong. Everything's not fine. If everything was fine, you would stay true to your morals and not fuck around every night."
"I don't know what morals you're talking about and I don't understand why you have such a problem with me having a good time," Angel protested, crossing his arms over his chest.
"But that's the thing. You're not having a good time. You're lying to yourself. You don't want this, and I know that you don't want it -."
"No, I -," Angel interrupted.
"Don't interrupt me and let me finish," Paul stated firmly. He was not used to Paul being this stern with him. As far as he had seen, Paul was nothing but considerate and easy-going. Never had he acted in such an upfront, aggressive manner. "I know why you're acting this way and, whether you admit it or not, I think that deep down inside you know it too. I know you've been through hell. After all the stories you've told me, it's obvious that your life hasn't been easy. But that's no reason to betray everything you want and everything you've been taught."
"Okay, Paul, if you're so smart, then why am I acting this way?" Angel questioned, a sarcastic snap in his voice.
"Because you got raped and you don't know how to deal with it."
"How dare you bring that into this!" Angel yelled, feeling tears well up in eyes. Getting rape was something that he never wanted to discuss with anyone. Anytime the subject of rape came up in the conversation, Angel would close himself off immediately.
"Because that's the truth. People deal with these things in two ways: they don't touch anyone, or they touch everyone. When you first moved in with me, you kept talking about how you wanted this fairy-tale romance and how you wanted to find your prince charming. All you've done is fuck around, insisting that this is what you want: meaningless sex, and nothing more. I don't believe it for a second."
"What makes you think that I want to have sex because I got raped? I have sex because I like it. It feels good, and it makes me happy. I'm good at it too-my partners have no objections. So why do you have such a problem?"
"Just be honest with yourself, Angel. Is this really what you want? Do you really need to run around and fuck every guy in town just to prove to yourself that you don't need love or attachment?" he paused, raising an eyebrow at Angel. Angel said nothing. "I've met plenty of rape victims- you're not the only one. Especially after what happened with Will-how he betrayed you and hurt you-it's understandable where your fear of relationships and attachment is. But what you're doing right now is not healthy. It's not helping anyone, and you might think that it's making you happy, but all it does is further suppress something that needs to be talked about and taken care of."
"I told you, everything's fine," Angel said softly as he began to cry. There weren't any hysterics, no shaking, no screaming: just tears dripping down his face.
"Talk to me, Angel," Paul said gently, staring at Angel until he was ready to speak.
"I can't," he whispered, turning away from Paul.
"You know you -."
"I can't because I don't know," Angel stated, his voice sounding small and weak, "I don't know what I want, and I don't know how to get it. I like having sex. It feels good. But no matter how good it feels, I can't help myself from thinking about Will and Lenny-about love. I'm scared to death of everything. Every time I walk up to a guy I'm so afraid he's gonna be just like Chad: he'll come up behind me, unzip his pants, and do it. They never do, though. Every guy I've slept with has used protection and treated me like a queen. I don't know why I keep doing it if I'm so scared," he said, smiling a bit.
"You keep doing it because you're looking for your soul mate. You're looking for the person who will make you complete. Yes, sex is the most intimate act a human can commit, but no matter how close you think you're getting, nothing compares with sharing a soul with someone. You keep searching, and I can tell every time you come home that there's a certain emptiness inside of you that you can't shake off, even if you have slept with half the gay population in New York City."
Angel sighed and looked at him, trying to comprehend all that had just been said. "I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Just think, Angel. Think about what you really want and how you're gonna get it. Think about your life and how you can change it to make your days the best that they can be."
Angel nodded as he disappeared into the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind him.
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It was almost 5 AM by the time Angel had shut his lights off. Paul had gone to bed a long time ago, shortly after Angel had retired to his room for the night. He couldn't sleep: the conversation played over in his head. For some reason, Paul's words were echoing over and over. "Just think, Angel. Think about what you want and how you're gonna get it."
All he could think about was Paul's speech. Angel enjoyed having sex: he loved knowing that men found him attractive and that they wanted to sleep with him. He was being a bit extreme with his sexuality, but it was something that felt right. In a final effort to get Paul's words out of his head, he thought about the other part of the night: the part where two beautiful men gave him pleasure at once. This brought a smile to his face as he leaned back and shut his eyes, recreating the feeling of the blonde's hands running down his body. Shifting his hand under the covers, he kept his eyes closed and laid back on his pillow, quickly trying to forget what Paul said, surrendering himself to another round of extreme yet self destructive pleasure.
Never in his life had he ever felt so alone.
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A/N: Snaps to anybody who got the Queer as Folk references ( REVIEW PLEASE!!! Suggestions are always welcome!