Death with Potatoes on the Side
An Exceptionally Lame Humor Fanfic
Brought to you by the Potato Princess, the person who brought you "It's a
Fanfic, Period" and "A Band-Aid Fixes Everything."
The Gates of Hell swung wide open when it entered.
I HAVE RETURNED.
The hunched figure approached the dais. It had the figure of a pumpkin and the complexion of the teenage Severus Snape. One crooked hand clutched a sheath of paper to its chest and the other dragged a sack of potatoes. It muttered in a strange language to itself, lisping even on the words without any "s" sounds as it hobbled over. A tumor grew on one side of its head, the wrinkles forming a face, and it often gave people a nasty shock to realize that the tumor was actually an alien parasite far more intelligent than its host.
Satan smiled.
"DO YOU HAVE IT, MY DEAR FRIEND?"
The creature pulled a box out from under its shirt and laid it at his feet.
"YOU HAVE DONE WELL."
It grinned, displaying two large front teeth.
THANKSSS. I HAD SSSOME FUN.
"AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR PAYMENT?"
HIM.
It raised its hand and pointed to the figure that was lying at the foot of the throne. Satan blinked in surprise.
"YOU CAN HAVE HIM BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE EATS ALL MY TRIPLE FUDGE BROWNIE ICE CREAM."
The creature laughed. THAT'SSS WHY YOU NEVER LET THEM SSSEE FOOD. SSTUPID VAMPIRESS...ASSSSSOON AS THEY REGAIN THEIR HUMANITY AND CAN TASSTE THINGS AGAIN THEY EAT EVERYTHING THEY CAN FIND. PIGSSS, REALLY.
The figure who had been lying on the ground suddenly opened his eyes and shrieked. The creature grinned at him.
SHHHH, QUIET, MY SWEET. YOU BELONG TO ME NOW.
He kept screaming and so the creature was forced to hit him over the head with the bag of potatoes.
"TAKE HIM AWAY," Satan commanded. "AND YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO USE SLASH."
It giggled and carried him off.
The Potato Princess, most dreaded of fanfiction authors, dragged Dracula down to her lair and began to write her first piece of Van Helsing fanfiction.
...CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC...
Will anyone read the rest of the fanfic after such a lame opening scene?
Does THE AUTHOR realize that in her last fanfic, nobody likes (or reads) her stupid questions?
Does she really think they will in this one?
Will she become a dreaded Mary Sue? (Please God, no!)
Will the fanfic be funny or just lame like her last three?
Are llamas actually descendants of Golgafrinchians?
Will anyone review or will they all just send flames?
Is the piece even good enough to receive a flame?
Will THE AUTHOR ever be able to pull out the super-wedgy her Hellos Kitty boy shorts are giving her?
Will these questions ever end?
Tune in next time to fry your brain!
(The Van Helsing characters are in the next chapter, I promise.)