Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, this is for entertainment purposes only.

I'm not on one of the teams, it's agreed that I can do more damage as a roving OSS[1] type operative. Or rather, I suggest it and nobody argues. Not that I can exactly go undercover – everybody knows what side I'm on, and that the likelihood of me turning traitor[2] rests right up there with the likelihood of a natural snow Winter Olympics on Mercury. It could happen, but would be a major sign that something is horribly wrong with the universe.

Thus, I am off on a scouting trip when the following happens. Since I heard about it third hand, what follows counts only as hearsay, and I cannot be called upon to testify upon these matters should any proceedings happen to arise.

He's managed to wrangle the two of them into Archer's dining room for lunch, when the call comes in. It's Rostov, claiming there's a problem with the electrical system, and could the commander please come and take a look. Naturally, our highly responsible leader cannot ignore a plea like that, and promises to be back quickly. When the door closes, there is a problem with the electrical system, amazingly somehow the door to Captain Archer's dining room locks itself, then disconnects from the system, at precisely the same time the connecting door to his quarters does. This is an amazing coincidence, when you consider that they are on separate circuits. Since they are having lunch and are not expecting the commander back instantly, there should be some lag time before they discover their predicament.

Meantime, I'm bopping my way through a maintenance tunnel towards one of the main hubs of the communications system. I'm going to rig up a little something so that Simpson can more easily sort out the armoury calls from anything else, and try to keep Ensign Sato from getting suspicious. My thought is, that if she thinks something's wrong, it's always good to have a little something to point at and say, "Oh, my. You're right. Let me fix that for you." Unlike Commander Tucker who thinks fastest on his feet, I prefer to have a few contingency plans in place, because in my experience, there are always contingencies.

Halfway there I have to drop down into the hallway, because a conduit runs perpendicularly through the shaft, and I can't fit around it. I look before emerging, knowing that armoury personnel could be hiding anywhere. Seeing no one, I start down the hall. And straight into an ambush.

They're waiting for me at the next tunnel access, three of them. Well, the commander did say it wouldn't take long for them to figure it out. Stupid thing is, they grin when they see me, which not only gives them away, but slows them down. Never gloat before you kill the other guy, and honestly, I wouldn't waste my time doing afterwards, either.

I run for the nearest corner and dive into a roll, which brings me to my feet much farther down. I shoot the first guy around, then dodge out of the way as his buddy fires on me. They're using red dye, all the better to show up. Plus, I suppose they think it looks more like blood, and is thus more macho or something. What it is, is easier to see, kind of like a tracer. The eye focuses more on bright colours, not dark ones, which is one of the reasons I went with the blue in the first place.

I fire back on him, catching him square in the chest. I notice neither one of them is being too good at playing dead.

"The bastards are cheating, guys. All bets are off." If they won't lay down and die[3], then we don't have to either. And since it's already been mentioned that we outnumber them…

"It's only 'cause it's you, Hess. You and that boss of yours. We've got special orders."

"Yeah, well do me a favour and pass him a message." I duck into a nearby turbolift, barely avoiding three streams of dye as they smack into the doors. Hitting the intercom I make sure they can hear me. "Tell Malcolm he can fuck himself. We're winning." Truth is, this makes me mad. Sure, Commander Tucker told everybody they could take shots at Malcolm, but he never told them that they could make like zombies and resurrect. That's just plain dirty.

Well, one thing about us engineers, we've never been afraid of a little dirt. If he wants to play like that, well then, we can play like that.

There's a muttering in my ear, it takes me a second to realise it's Commander Tucker.

"Sir? I didn't quite catch that. Is this a secure line?"

"No. I've decided to broadcast our plans throughout the entire ship. Of course it's a secure line, moron." I could be offended, but he refers to himself by that moniker enough to make it flattering. "We are not going to descend to Malcolm's level on this. We are engineers, we hew to a much lower standard. We are going to make that snotty little bastard wish he'd never ever thought of messing with us." I have to admit, that is the general engineering standard. I just hope this isn't the end of a beautiful friendship. I mean, what will the captain think when his armoury officer is confined to sickbay with a nervous breakdown, caused by his two top engineers. I like having a boss who knows how to wangle almost anything from the man ultimately in charge. I used to like Malcolm, too, but there's no time for sentimentality at a time like this.

Simpson breaks in. "Lieutenant, I have a message for you, it's from Lieutenant Reed."

"Go ahead." I doubt he's calling to surrender, I wouldn't accept it if he was.

"He says he'd rather it was you."

Bastard. He acts so right and proper, you never think he could be the one with the comeback lines. I guess we've just gotten too used to him being Commander Tucker's straight man that we forget that famously dry sense of humour the British are said to possess. And he's set it up in such a way as to be almost flattering.

Almost. "Tell him I'm not that desperate yet, that I doubt I ever will be." Meanwhile I can hear Commander Tucker snorting on his line. I'm glad I can amuse him.

"So. You were saying something about making him wish?"

"Meet me back in Main Engineering. We'll talk."

Oh, this is going to be nice. Mr. Reed, say your prayers.

[1] If we had an office. Or a definitive strategy for that matter

[2] Yes, I started by attacking Commander Tucker, and am now on his side, but that was a free-for-all, and this is war.

[3] Or is that dye?