I never meant to be the "bad guy". When I was younger, it never occurred to me that I might not be on the same side as all my friends. Even now I am still surprised by it sometimes. Strange, the effects time and circumstances have on people.
When I was younger, we were always together. Always, no matter what happened, I knew someone would stand behind me. Usually it was even three someones, but there was always at least one. I sometimes wonder where that went wrong. Was it really my fault? Was it something else, some other outside dynamic that killed the group?
For the longest time I tried to blame Lily for it. She was the outsider, the intruder in our midst who was slowly hacking away at one of the pillars of our foundation. I hated her for a long, long time for trying to take away James. Now I see it wasn't her any more than it was one of the long string of conquests Sirius brought in, or the few girls Remus would allow himself to date. The problem was much more internalized than any of us wanted to admit.
We met at various times during the first month of school. I think James and Sirius met on the platform and then they stumbled into a car with Remus on the ride on the Hogwarts Express. I sat alone at the back of the train trying not to think about the new surroundings. I didn't find the rest of them until two weeks into the school year when Remus sat next to me.
I still remember the sorting. I was so terrified of the task we were going to have to do that I almost bolted for the door. Maybe I should have, I don't know. Anyway, there I was, praying to every god I could think of not to let me make a fool of myself or get myself killed on the first day. And then they called my name.
I didn't like the hat. I still despise the blasted thing, and it's been more than twenty years since I had to wear it. It saw into places in my mind that no one has a right to see. It immediately knew things about me that I wouldn't tell anyone, and I hated it. I know it's completely stupid to have such hatred for an object, but I do. Given the chance right now I would gleefully rip it to shreds and then burn the remainders.
It said that I was a bit of a coward, but that was probably due to my upbringing. It said I wouldn't really fit in with the Ravenclaws as I wasn't quick thinking, but I did have a brain when I wanted to use it. Couldn't see putting me in with the Slytherin's as I wasn't that cunning. Well, that and I loath snakes, which put a damper on things. I wasn't really suited to Hufflepuff as I am impatient and don't like waiting for the fruits of my labor, so it stuck me into Gryffindor, against it's better judgement, and said it thought that maybe my associates would be able to help me see the way of things and lead me down the right path.
It was very hard for me to accept, this knowledge that I didn't really belong anywhere. How could they expect an eleven year old boy to take that news and shrug it off? I was an afterthought. The boy no one else wants to sit with during meals, and it killed me.
And then I found the others. Well, in fairness, I guess I should say they found me. Remus has always had an overly kind heart and he couldn't stand to see this boy no one else wanted to talk to, so he dragged the others over to me. From then on, we were inseparable.
Or so we thought.
The Dark Lord came upon me one night when I was on my way home from work. I was working at one of the shops in Diagon Alley, still living with my parents and trying to save enough money to move into a flat like Sirius and Remus had. I was scared witless, but that was nothing new. He offered me riches and power and influence beyond my wildest dreams. More wealth than Gringotts could hold, greater power than Dumbledor could imagine, friends, fame, anything I wanted. It sounded too good to be true.
You see, I have never been much of anything. I'm not much of a wizard. Sirius and Remus and James had to help me through every single one of my classes if I wanted to even think about passing. I'm not much of a man. I couldn't stand up to my father even once in my life. I'm not much of a friend, either. I took the trust of four people and turned it against them.
I know they shouldn't ever forgive me for it. I doubt I'll ever be able to forgive myself. Not that it matters any more. Three are dead. Remus is practically crippled with the loss from what I hear. Not that I am surprised by that. He's all that's left, really.
I don't know what I was thinking when I told the Dark Lord I would give James and Lily to him. I can't really remember thinking anything. I had long since given up the pipe dream He had woven for me to bring me into His service. I think it was more self preservation than any thoughts of rewards. I had been a groomsman when James and Lily got married. I was at Hospital when Harry was born. They were some of the best mates a man could ever wish for. I still can't believe I betrayed them sometimes.
He was almost giddy with excitement when I told Him Sirius had convinced the Potters to make me their secret keeper. Of course we all knew about the Prophecy, saying that some boy born at the end of July would be able to defeat the Dark Lord, but I don't think it really dawned on me until then what that meant to James and Lily. No, that's a lie. I try to convince myself that I didn't know I had signed their death warrant, along with that of their infant son, but I know it's a lie. It doesn't help.
Instead, I am stuck here with a fist full of tainted memories. There is so much in my life I wish I could change, so many things I would take back in a heartbeat if given half the chance. I loath what I have become. I despise myself and every breath that's in my body. Sometimes I think about throwing myself into a battle simply to end it all, but I know I won't do it. I don't have the strength. Where is that Gryffindor courage now? Bloody hat.
The worst part is, I know that James and Lily would forgive me if they could. That's just the way they were. I can hear James now "It's okay, Wormtail. These things happen. Who could say what I would have done in your shoes? It's not like you had much of a choice there, face to face with Voldemort." He always was understanding. Even if you didn't understand what was going on yourself.
I know Harry hates me. He really has every right to, but I can't help feeling a teeny bit of indignation about it. I keep telling myself that it isn't my fault he's an orphan. It's not my fault he never knew his family. It's not my fault one of the last links he had to his parents is gone forever through that veil in the Ministry. It's not my fault. . . But it is my fault. The whole thing. Dad always told me I was never good enough. I was never smart enough. I was never strong enough. I should have listened to him. I should have listened.
Maybe then I wouldn't be alone.
When I was younger, we were always together. Always, no matter what happened, I knew someone would stand behind me. Usually it was even three someones, but there was always at least one. I sometimes wonder where that went wrong. Was it really my fault? Was it something else, some other outside dynamic that killed the group?
For the longest time I tried to blame Lily for it. She was the outsider, the intruder in our midst who was slowly hacking away at one of the pillars of our foundation. I hated her for a long, long time for trying to take away James. Now I see it wasn't her any more than it was one of the long string of conquests Sirius brought in, or the few girls Remus would allow himself to date. The problem was much more internalized than any of us wanted to admit.
We met at various times during the first month of school. I think James and Sirius met on the platform and then they stumbled into a car with Remus on the ride on the Hogwarts Express. I sat alone at the back of the train trying not to think about the new surroundings. I didn't find the rest of them until two weeks into the school year when Remus sat next to me.
I still remember the sorting. I was so terrified of the task we were going to have to do that I almost bolted for the door. Maybe I should have, I don't know. Anyway, there I was, praying to every god I could think of not to let me make a fool of myself or get myself killed on the first day. And then they called my name.
I didn't like the hat. I still despise the blasted thing, and it's been more than twenty years since I had to wear it. It saw into places in my mind that no one has a right to see. It immediately knew things about me that I wouldn't tell anyone, and I hated it. I know it's completely stupid to have such hatred for an object, but I do. Given the chance right now I would gleefully rip it to shreds and then burn the remainders.
It said that I was a bit of a coward, but that was probably due to my upbringing. It said I wouldn't really fit in with the Ravenclaws as I wasn't quick thinking, but I did have a brain when I wanted to use it. Couldn't see putting me in with the Slytherin's as I wasn't that cunning. Well, that and I loath snakes, which put a damper on things. I wasn't really suited to Hufflepuff as I am impatient and don't like waiting for the fruits of my labor, so it stuck me into Gryffindor, against it's better judgement, and said it thought that maybe my associates would be able to help me see the way of things and lead me down the right path.
It was very hard for me to accept, this knowledge that I didn't really belong anywhere. How could they expect an eleven year old boy to take that news and shrug it off? I was an afterthought. The boy no one else wants to sit with during meals, and it killed me.
And then I found the others. Well, in fairness, I guess I should say they found me. Remus has always had an overly kind heart and he couldn't stand to see this boy no one else wanted to talk to, so he dragged the others over to me. From then on, we were inseparable.
Or so we thought.
The Dark Lord came upon me one night when I was on my way home from work. I was working at one of the shops in Diagon Alley, still living with my parents and trying to save enough money to move into a flat like Sirius and Remus had. I was scared witless, but that was nothing new. He offered me riches and power and influence beyond my wildest dreams. More wealth than Gringotts could hold, greater power than Dumbledor could imagine, friends, fame, anything I wanted. It sounded too good to be true.
You see, I have never been much of anything. I'm not much of a wizard. Sirius and Remus and James had to help me through every single one of my classes if I wanted to even think about passing. I'm not much of a man. I couldn't stand up to my father even once in my life. I'm not much of a friend, either. I took the trust of four people and turned it against them.
I know they shouldn't ever forgive me for it. I doubt I'll ever be able to forgive myself. Not that it matters any more. Three are dead. Remus is practically crippled with the loss from what I hear. Not that I am surprised by that. He's all that's left, really.
I don't know what I was thinking when I told the Dark Lord I would give James and Lily to him. I can't really remember thinking anything. I had long since given up the pipe dream He had woven for me to bring me into His service. I think it was more self preservation than any thoughts of rewards. I had been a groomsman when James and Lily got married. I was at Hospital when Harry was born. They were some of the best mates a man could ever wish for. I still can't believe I betrayed them sometimes.
He was almost giddy with excitement when I told Him Sirius had convinced the Potters to make me their secret keeper. Of course we all knew about the Prophecy, saying that some boy born at the end of July would be able to defeat the Dark Lord, but I don't think it really dawned on me until then what that meant to James and Lily. No, that's a lie. I try to convince myself that I didn't know I had signed their death warrant, along with that of their infant son, but I know it's a lie. It doesn't help.
Instead, I am stuck here with a fist full of tainted memories. There is so much in my life I wish I could change, so many things I would take back in a heartbeat if given half the chance. I loath what I have become. I despise myself and every breath that's in my body. Sometimes I think about throwing myself into a battle simply to end it all, but I know I won't do it. I don't have the strength. Where is that Gryffindor courage now? Bloody hat.
The worst part is, I know that James and Lily would forgive me if they could. That's just the way they were. I can hear James now "It's okay, Wormtail. These things happen. Who could say what I would have done in your shoes? It's not like you had much of a choice there, face to face with Voldemort." He always was understanding. Even if you didn't understand what was going on yourself.
I know Harry hates me. He really has every right to, but I can't help feeling a teeny bit of indignation about it. I keep telling myself that it isn't my fault he's an orphan. It's not my fault he never knew his family. It's not my fault one of the last links he had to his parents is gone forever through that veil in the Ministry. It's not my fault. . . But it is my fault. The whole thing. Dad always told me I was never good enough. I was never smart enough. I was never strong enough. I should have listened to him. I should have listened.
Maybe then I wouldn't be alone.