Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Inuyasha. (sigh) It's so unfair!

A/N: Wow! I can't believe people actually like this story! I'm so happy. A great, giant, big, fluffy huggle to everyone who has reviewed so far!

Hojo- A huggle? What the hell is a huggle?

Well actually it's the combination of a hug and a...hey wait a minute! I killed you! Err...I mean...Inu-kun did...why are you here?

Hojo- Um...(sweat drops)

There's like...limeish things in this chapter. And angst...and drama...lots of Inuyasha freaky-deaky angsty crazy-ish ramblings. Fun!

Betrayal

Chapter Four: Denial

She didn't come back for three days. Three days without her, three days living with the guilt, three days of holding back wave after wave of self revulsion long enough to pretend to be pissed off at everyone who so much as mentioned her name. Kami it was Hell. But I knew that I deserved it.

And so much more for what I had done. I had killed, I had taken another life. Worst, I'd gotten pleasure from it. I guess it was somewhat ironic that I was feeling so guilty for killing; how many times had I destroyed life before, without so much as batting an eye lash? But it was never like that. He didn't even have a chance. There was no way he was going to be able to beat me. I almost felt...sorry for how pitiful was.

But was it really my fault? Did his death fall completely on my shoulders? No...no it didn't. There was blood on her hands too.

Wasn't there? If she had just stayed with me, Hojo would be alive. Maybe...even if she had just told me! It might not have been the easiest conversation in the world, but she could have done it. She could have done something. But no, she didn't do a damn thing at all! She snuck around and tried to hide it all from me. She was selfish and blind. It was her fault he was dead.

How could I have thought such horrible things about her? Kagome...my Kagome. She was everything to me. How could I think that she was the one who was at fault for cold blooded murder?

Because...because if I could convince myself, fool my mind into thinking that I did not bare this burden alone, it would be easier. To think that she too had destroyed another life, it made me feel better. Like, we had been responsible for his death together. We were morbidly connected; we shared that one disturbing flaw; we shared that one awful sin. In a sad, twisted way, we belonged together. We deserved to suffer through all of this guilt together, because we had both killed him.

For a while, I managed to convince myself of that. For three days I lived in my shadowed world of denial. For three days I was at peace with myself, because I could fool myself into believing that I wasn't a monster.

Then...she came back.

We were all sitting in Kaede's hut. Shippo was drawing something, while Miroku was being his usual perverted, hentai self and pestering the village girls to bare his children, and Sango beating him senseless whenever he did. I was simply lounging around, mentally running over the night I had killed Hojo for the millionth time since it had happened.

"Kagome!" I heard Shippo yelled happily. I whipped my head around to see the young kit stand up and run to her and jump up into her arms, quickly wrapping his small arms around her in a hug. I stared at her blankly, quietly taking in her appearance.

Her hair was pulled back into a low pony tail. It was full of tangles and it was greasy, with wisps of it falling over her eyes. Her skin was paler than usual. There were dark circles underneath her usually life-filled eyes; they were completely and utterly dead as she stared down at the kitsune who had attached itself to her. She was wearing a baggy dark blue sweater and loose black pants. Even grieving, I thought she was still beautiful.

I wasn't the only one to notice her appearance. Kaede, who had been fixing her stew and idly chatting about Kami only knows what –it's not like I was paying attention- stood up and approached her.

Gently, she removed Shippo from Kagome's arms and placed him on the ground. He looked up at them with large, innocent eyes and a worried expression on his young face.

"Shippo, ye leave us for a while. Kagome and I must speak," Kaede commanded softly.

He looked over at me. He searched me for answers, but I did nothing but stare at Kagome and Kaede. Mumbling something he scampered out of the hut. Kaede ushered her inside, over towards the mat I was lying on.

"Kagome...ye appear exhausted. Do ye wish to speak about it?"

Unconsciously I twitched. I didn't really have anything against Kaede, but, the woman just wouldn't...stop...saying...ye. If I really had been crazy, she would have been my next victim. But, like I said, I was still living in denial. I merely watched as Kagome looked up at the older woman. Her bottom lip trembled and she opened her mouth as if to speak. All that came out were small, muffled cries. Even with my acute hearing I couldn't pick up what she was saying to Kaede. She looked over at me, and I could see tears running down her cheeks.

"Oh, Inuyasha!" she cried and ran to me. My eyes widened to the size of saucers as she dropped to her knees and threw her arms around my neck. She buried her face into my chest, sobbing.

I was tense. No, not tense. Just terribly, terribly alert as she pulled back to look at me. She was still crying and sniffling, but I had no urge to comfort her. She blinked in confusion, as if she had just been expecting me to hold and soothe her until her tears ceased and she was able to tell me what was wrong. It was hard to pretend to be concerned with why she was hurting. I already knew; it was my doing after all, though I was still placing blame in her hands. I didn't have a chance to say anything to her –not that I know if I would have anyway- before Sango and Miroku rushed into the hut.

"Kami...Kagome what happened?" Sango questioned as she crouched down beside her.

Not bothering to transfer her crying form over to Sango, she answered. "A...a...friend of mine died three nights ago," she answered softly.

A friend? I kept back a growl. Why didn't she just say it? Why did she just come out and say that her lover had been murdered in cold blood only block away from her house?

"Kagome-san, I'm so sorry," Sango whispered.

"He was...murdered," she added softly.

I saw both Miroku and Sango trade apprehensive glances, then looked at me. I knew what they were thinking. Just three nights ago, hadn't I been going out for a walk? Had Kagome just said he? Now, they weren't the smartest people I'd ever met –not saying that I'm some type of genius or something- but they could have put two and two together. Kagome had a friend, a male friend, who had been killed three nights ago, when I had gone for my walk. They didn't say anything though, and for that I was thankful. Sango merely wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"Do they...know who did it?" she questioned.

She shook her head. "Iie..." she answered.

I could see it in Sango's eyes, that slight flash of accusation. For a moment my entire body tensed. She knew. I was so sure that she knew. She had smelled the blood on my hands; saw wave after wave of guilt that consumed me. In an instant it was gone and I relaxed. She didn't know. Of course she didn't know. How could she? She was so busy wrapped up in that perverted houshi that she didn't see. For once, I was glad that Sango –as well as Miroku- was blind to everything else that was going on.

After that...it was a blur. A blur of tears and blood and memories. I didn't know what to say to her. I felt like comforting her. They were fleeting moments –those minutes when I wanted to hold her in my arms and kiss her tears away- only lasting a few mere minutes before I remember that it was just as much her fault as mine that he was dead.

I remember what happened next, though. I was sitting up in a tree, staring out into the inky blackness of the night sky. I heard her softly calling my name. I looked down and there she was. My breath caught, like it did sometimes when I saw her after awhile. Her raven hair spilled over her shoulders and there was a soft smile on her face as my name escaped her lips. I jumped down from the tree and kneeled next to her.

"Inuyasha," she said smiling sadly like she had been for the past few days. I stood up.

I was nervous. Oh Gods I think my entire body was trembling as she laced her hand through mine and pulled me towards a tree. I could tell –by the look in her eyes, the softness of her voice, the way her hand held mine so firmly- that she wanted to talk. About what, I had no idea. Had she figured it out? Did she know that it was me who had killed Hojo? Or...had she finally decided to confess?

We hadn't spoken –much anyway- since she had arrived back. Most of her time had been spent with Sango or Shippo or Kaede. They would all try to cheer her up, but nothing was working. I wondered about it for those few days- obsessed over it you could say. She was so sad, so completely drained every time I looked at her. How much had Hojo meant to her? Did she...love him?

I couldn't bear that thought. Couldn't stand it at all. I loved Kagome, and she loved me; she had to love me. Didn't she? That's the way the fairy tale went, wasn't it? The hero fought the villain and sacrificed everything to save the princess, and in return, she gave him her heart, and they lived together happily ever after.

"Inuyasha, we need to talk."

And I realized that I wasn't living a fairy tale.

"About what?" I asked, not daring to look up into her eyes. They would be my undoing. I couldn't look her straight in those dark, beautiful brown eyes without crumbling into a hundred shattered pieces.

"I have to leave tonight," she told me. "I need to go to Hojo's funeral."

I couldn't help but growl. How dare she? What the hell gave her the right to say his name; to talk to me about him.

"Go," I hissed through clenched teeth. I couldn't say anything else. I didn't trust myself to speak. If I said to much...I would end up confessing everything.

She looked nervous and bit her lip. "Inuyasha...I."

What, I wanted to ask. You love me? You hate me? You told me you wanted to be with me and then went and fucked him senseless? Yeah...I know. But I love you anyway.

I thought I did. I think I do. I'm not sure anymore; I wasn't sure then. I wouldn't have killed him if I didn't love her, right? But then...everything was so confusing. The emotions that I'd been pushing down were engulfing me and sometimes I could barely see straight; I didn't have time to re-evaluate everything I felt for her.

"Nani?" I questioned. "Kagome...if you have something to say just say it already." My voice had a slightly irritated tone, like it usually did.

She closed her eyes and let out a breath. Then, she lifted her gaze to look me in the eye. Her bangs –which had grown longer in the past few weeks- feel in front of her eyes, so I didn't have to look into them directly.

"It's nothing. I just felt like...feel like we haven't talked in a long time."

"What do we have to talk about?" I spit unconsciously. I desperately wanted to talk with her though. I wanted to ask her why she went to him. What did I do? Could I change it? Did she still love me? Did she still want me? Had she ever?

She flinched and frowned at me, her lips pouting a bit. She looked sweet like that, cute and innocent. But she wasn't. And neither was I. I had done so much and had so many sins piled upon me; she didn't have as much, but at that time, I felt she shared my flaws. We were both jaded; belonging together in our imperfections.

"Gomen Kagome-san," I apologized. "Look, I know your...hurting right now."

I don't remember exactly what I said. It was fuzzy. I looked deep into my soul and tried to find the most comforting words I could, although they were few and didn't have a great impact, mostly because I couldn't bring myself to feel sorry for her. I couldn't feel pity; I don't do sympathy for anyone. I don't know what you call it; a contradiction, irony, or what, but while I could and still can feel the kind of guilt that was all consuming, I don't think there was drop of empathy in my soul.

I felt like crying with every word that I said, but I refused to stop; I would not show her any weakness. She could have seen though any cracks in my mask. I guess I said the right things, though I don't know how I managed. But I helped; I must have.

She kissed me.

My initial reaction was to push her way. She was dirty, she was used, she wasn't mine. She'd given her body –and possibly her heart- to Hojo. She'd shared kisses and touches more intimate then I could ever imagine with another man. She had him first; wanted him first. Not me...had it ever been me?

I kissed her back, unsurely, because I loved her and I was impure; I too had blood on my hands, and I thought she did too. At first it was innocent and I could have swore that she was going to pull away and start sputtering out apologizes. I was prepared for that; I was almost depending on it. I wasn't ready when she deepened the kiss. Didn't know what to do when she climbed in my lap. Couldn't move when one of her hands wrapped around the base of my neck and the other began running through my hair.

And I responded. I didn't know what else to do. I wrapped my arms around her small waist and pulled her even closer to me. I'd kissed before. Kikyo; both when she was alive and dead. But never...like that. I'd never really had anything more than those innocent touches and feather light kisses. Very cautiously, slowly, I deepened the kiss much had she had done, pushing my tongue against her own slightly. I did it right...I guess. She moaned into my mouth and I felt like cringing.

It wasn't right. It didn't feel right; physically or emotionally. Holding her I didn't mind. Having my arms wrapped around her petite warm frame calmed me. But kissing her, having my lips against her own, my limbs tangled with hers as our tongues mingled together, it was wrong. It felt like a sin. But I did anyway, because I felt like I owed it to her. It was making her feel better, and that was the least I could do, wasn't it? To comfort her. And that...it was what she wanted.

Did she want me for me, or was I just a replacement for the lover I'd ripped away from her? I didn't know; I didn't want to know. We broke the kiss, both of us breathing heavily. I bent my head down and brushed my lips over her jaw. I trailed soft kisses down her throat and she let out a soft noise, somewhere between a moan and whimper.

I had to, I had to, I had to. I kept repeating it over and over again my mind. This was for her; for Kagome. I loved her, I'd do anything for her. It never occurred to me to ask myself why I didn't want it. At that time I didn't think about it. I didn't think about the fact that I should have wanted this; that I should have wanted her. But...I didn't. I couldn't make myself. I wanted her heart, her love, her warm embraces, her spirit; but I didn't want her body.

I guess it was because someone had already taken it. It didn't seem fair for me to use something that wasn't mine. I knew that Hojo had taken at least that. But I wondered if maybe he hadn't taken everything else. Hadn't I had that first? Didn't her love still belong to me?

I felt her hands running down my neck and dipping underneath the cloth of my kimono, pale fingertips running over my skin. Her hands were cold and I had to fight not to flinch. I had to do this for her; it was the least I could do...for taking him away.

Then I stopped suddenly, jerking my head upwards. What in the hell was I thinking? Doing this for her because I what; I owed it to her. If I was doing this for her because I had killed Hojo, then I would be accepting the fact that his death was on my hands. I couldn't take that; I couldn't handle the thought that I had taken another life –while I was somewhat sane. I didn't want that responsibility on my shoulders and mine alone.

I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her off of me. She stared at me with wide shocked eyes, unable to fathom why I didn't want this.

"Inu...Inuyasha?" she whispered shakily.

I shook my head. "No, Kagome. We...we just can't."

She sat up then. Her eyes were still swimming with that slight confusion, but a sharp anger that I had never seen were also there. "I thought you cared about me," she said. "Was I wrong?"

Her tone was different then usual. It was filled with something I could only identify as anger, and hurt, and...something else I couldn't really identify. Fear? Disappointment?

"You know I..." I trailed off, unable to say anything.

"What?" she demanded. Her voice was harsh. She was angry.

I looked up and met her eyes, and I couldn't hold it back any longer. "Because you don't want me Kagome," I said and stood up. I stared down at her figure. She pulled her knees up to her chest and stared up at me, innocent in that fury that burned in her eyes. It was hard to be angry because she was so beautiful, but I finished it anyway. "You want him, don't you? He's dead so your just going to use me. I can't...I won't do that Kagome."

"Inuyasha..."

"No!" I told her. "I won't be his damn replacement Kagome. You want a fuck toy, go find Koga!"

I could smell tears and immediately regretted my words, but I didn't take them back. They were true...but still...I didn't really mean them. I didn't want her with Koga, I wanted her with me. I wanted her so badly...just...not like that.

"How dare you say anything to me about replacements Inuyasha!" she yelled bitterly as she pushed herself off the ground. "After her! After using me just because you couldn't have her, how dare you say anything to me about doing the same!"

"What?!" I screamed. "I didn't...I never..." I shook my head. "It's not the same thing!"

She narrowed her eyes at me. They spoke volumes of anger; I could almost smell her rage. "Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!"

I feel into the dirt –of course, what else would happen?- face first. My temple hit a rock and I groaned in pain. I could feel her eyes burning holes into my neck. I opened my eyes just in time to see her figure as she stomped away. She turned back to me, our eyes meeting for a moment. She opened her mouth like she was going to say something but quickly shut it again.

"Kagome!" I yelled. She didn't say anything. The last thing I saw was her raven her billowing out as she turned and began running away from me.

Inuyasha- 00

He he...there was lime...

Inuyasha- You're sick! Twisted! Demented!
Miroku- Will you bear my children?

Inuyasha- You made me so...

...bipolar?...

Inuyasha-...in this chapter. You portrayed me like I was some time of teenage girl and Kagome was forcing herself on me!

Hey, I thought it was rather interesting. You loving Kagome with all your black little heart but not wanting her body. Your making a statement!

Inuyasha- Whatever (rolls eyes) Review, please. It'd make her happy. And who knows, maybe something good will happen!
Yeah right. You just keep your hopes up on that one, my little doggy-eared captive!