Have you ever been so frustrated with yourself you could bloody well scream? So sick of everything that is going on around you that you would hex the next person to walk through your door into oblivion if they ask you how you're feeling?
No? Then sod off. I'm not in the mood to explain.
Bugger.
Y'see it's like this. I didn't plan on doing any of this. I never in my wildest dreams even imagined going to work for the Ministry, let alone getting to become an Auror. I'd always wanted to be one, but I have the stealth capabilities of a suit of armor, and while my intelligence is "adequate" (thank you so much for that, Moody) I really didn't have the marks to be an Auror.
And then they found out I'm a metamorphmagus. The only one in ages. It all went to hell in a handbasket from there.
I'd known I was one for as long as I can remember. Well, I knew I could change my appearance at will. I'd never known what it was called before I got to Hogwarts. You should have seen the look on McGonagall's face when I showed up for transfiguration with ankle length blue hair, dark brown eyes, a black unibrow and rather equine features. Bit of a difference from what I usually look like, with short, spiky brown hair and ice blue eyes. And the Black family features. We all have the same nose. Even Aunt Bella. Even Sirius.
Dumbledore was just as shocked as McGonagall. They asked me to do several "tests" before they called in Mum and Dad. I thought I was in trouble there for a while, before they explained everything to me. Here I figured everyone could make their nose change. Dumbledore called the Minister that night to tell him about me, and they agreed I could take some "special" classes in order to further develop my skill.
After that, the fact I was a morph was kept secret. Dumbledore and McGonagall knew, of course, as did my parents and the Minister, but that was about it. I had to tell the other kids in my transfiguration class that I had done the change using magic. Dumbledore said it would be better for me if no one else knew, so I had to stay plain Tonks for the rest of my time in school. Course now I know he was right, but at the time it was a pain. I had this brilliant ability and I couldn't even use it. It drove me absolutely batty.
Rather like now.
Yes, I know that Dumbledore is right in this instance as well, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know now that the reason I couldn't tell anyone about being a morph in school was because someone could take advantage of that. "Someone" being You-Know-Who, of course. He already has enough reasons to be coming after me, thank you very much. Don't need to be giving him another one.
Auror training was very, very intense. Especially for me. I had Moody as a trainer. You think he's nutters in general? Try taking a class from him. Bloody psycho is what he is. Not that he isn't a brilliant psycho, but still. Out of a hundred and fourty five people who started in my class, only thirty nine made it through. Most dropped out within the first week. Try having that man yelling "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" at you for forty two weeks straight and then tell me it isn't a hard course.
I'm quite glad I was in his group when we went through. Out of the thirty nine who graduated to become Aurors, I am one of fifteen that are still alive. Fifteen. That's a mortality rate of well over half my class. I thank Moody for making sure I wasn't one of those other twenty four Aurors. Well, him and Sirius.
Sirius was an Auror, you know. Completely threw tradition and the "honor of the family" in Grandmum's face. She was furious. I remember Aunt Cissa coming over and telling us about it. I think that's when I decided I wanted to be one too. Anything Sirius did was wonderful by me, and anything that made Grandmum that mad was even better.
When Sirius would come over I would make him play Auror with me. Of course he was always the Bad Guy and I was always the Star Auror. I didn't know then that it would be training for later on, of course, but I still remember at lot about those old games.
"Always check the corners of every room. You never know where a bad guy may be."
"Make sure you keep your wand pointed down, but be ready to bring it up at a second's notice."
"C'Mon, Dora! You have to watch where you're going! You're going to broadcast to every bad guy for 3 miles that you're here if you step on a ward. This is how you can look for them. . . "
I never met any of Sirius' friends. Well, at least not until after I had been inducted into the New Order. I know that James Potter was an Auror as well, and that his wife Lily had something to do with charms for the Old Order, but I never met them. I wish I could have met them. If Harry's any indication of what they were like, they would have been wonderful people.
The Potters died when I was seven. Or was it eight? I don't remember any more. Funny how you can remember the day, but not the date. What I really remember is Mum taking me out to celebrate with Dad. There were shooting stars and owls everywhere. The Statute of Secrecy went right out the door that morning. Can't say I really blame anyone. . . there was suddenly a dawn after thirteen years of night. Who wouldn't want to celebrate?
Well, there were a few people.
I never really believed Sirius could do it. I'd heard him talk about Harry before. Heard him tell Mum about the pranks he and James would get into. Mum even had a picture from the Potter's wedding on the wall in the living room with Sirius and James and Lily. They were his family. Not by blood, of course, but by choice. Anyone who knew them knew that. I just couldn't bring myself to believe that he'd be able to kill his family. It would be like saying he could kill Mum and I. It was ludicrous.
It was really hard when I was to young to know not to defend him. Sirius was a ghost story that parents would tell their naughty children. "Better watch out, or Sirius Black will come after you!" I stood up for him for a while, telling people in no uncertain terms that my cousin would never do such a thing and they had better shut up about it.
Lost more than a few friends that way. They'd be mad at me for yelling at them, and their parents would be horrified that I was related to the Monster. After a while I learned to keep quiet about it. Eventually, almost everyone forgot I was even related to him.
Except Dumbledore. Of course he knew my lineage. I sometimes think the bloke knows everything. He also knew that I wasn't made of the same stuff as the rest of the Blacks, as my Aunt Bella loved to remind me. I was made of the same stuff as my Mum. Same as Sirius.
I was so relieved when I found out he was okay. I nearly bowled him over the first night I came back to Grandmum's house. Of course Grandmum's picture started screaming at me the moment I knocked over that blasted umbrella stand, but it didn't matter. Sirius was alive. I was right, he wasn't the murderer everyone else thought him to be. He was here with me again. It was just like old times. He wasn't the Bad Guy, but I still got to be the Star Auror.
But when he needed to be saved, I couldn't be there for him. No, Dora Tonks, Star Auror was too busy being unconscious and bleeding on the floor to save one of the people she cared most about in the world. I wasn't there when he needed me most. Everything he taught me, and I still wasn't good enough. Then I found out it was Aunt Bella.
So that's why I am sitting here, slowly going crazy and not being able to do anything about it. Bellatrix Lestrange, Aunt Bella, has become almost an obsession. She has caused so much pain in the world. Not just in my life, but in everything she's touched. Between Dad and Mum and Sirius, that would be more than enough, but now I keep hearing about other things. Like the Conways. Killed on the spot for being muggle born. Like the McCombs. Mowed down by the Killing Curse for standing up to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Like the Longbottoms.
Oh, Merlin. How Neville deals with it, I'll never know.
I want nothing so much as to go after her and finish what Sirius started last Spring. I would like nothing so much as to show her what being a Black really means. It has nothing to do with blood or purity. It deals with pride. It deals with the courage to stand up against any odds. It deals with love. It deals with forgiveness and frailty and humanity. None of which she has. None of which she is.
Aunt Bella gave up being a Black long ago. She's a Lestrange now, not a Black. Never a Black. She's a disgrace to the name. And I am going to make sure she realizes that before she dies.
Before I kill her.
But I have to wait. Wait for the "opportune moment" like Dumbledore keeps telling me. As Sirius reminded me. I hope it comes soon. I hope he's watching me, wherever he is now. I hope he understands why I am doing this.
For that matter, I hope she does too. I hope the opportune moment comes very, very soon. And I hope I'm the one to show her what it means to be a Tonks.
To be a Black.
No? Then sod off. I'm not in the mood to explain.
Bugger.
Y'see it's like this. I didn't plan on doing any of this. I never in my wildest dreams even imagined going to work for the Ministry, let alone getting to become an Auror. I'd always wanted to be one, but I have the stealth capabilities of a suit of armor, and while my intelligence is "adequate" (thank you so much for that, Moody) I really didn't have the marks to be an Auror.
And then they found out I'm a metamorphmagus. The only one in ages. It all went to hell in a handbasket from there.
I'd known I was one for as long as I can remember. Well, I knew I could change my appearance at will. I'd never known what it was called before I got to Hogwarts. You should have seen the look on McGonagall's face when I showed up for transfiguration with ankle length blue hair, dark brown eyes, a black unibrow and rather equine features. Bit of a difference from what I usually look like, with short, spiky brown hair and ice blue eyes. And the Black family features. We all have the same nose. Even Aunt Bella. Even Sirius.
Dumbledore was just as shocked as McGonagall. They asked me to do several "tests" before they called in Mum and Dad. I thought I was in trouble there for a while, before they explained everything to me. Here I figured everyone could make their nose change. Dumbledore called the Minister that night to tell him about me, and they agreed I could take some "special" classes in order to further develop my skill.
After that, the fact I was a morph was kept secret. Dumbledore and McGonagall knew, of course, as did my parents and the Minister, but that was about it. I had to tell the other kids in my transfiguration class that I had done the change using magic. Dumbledore said it would be better for me if no one else knew, so I had to stay plain Tonks for the rest of my time in school. Course now I know he was right, but at the time it was a pain. I had this brilliant ability and I couldn't even use it. It drove me absolutely batty.
Rather like now.
Yes, I know that Dumbledore is right in this instance as well, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know now that the reason I couldn't tell anyone about being a morph in school was because someone could take advantage of that. "Someone" being You-Know-Who, of course. He already has enough reasons to be coming after me, thank you very much. Don't need to be giving him another one.
Auror training was very, very intense. Especially for me. I had Moody as a trainer. You think he's nutters in general? Try taking a class from him. Bloody psycho is what he is. Not that he isn't a brilliant psycho, but still. Out of a hundred and fourty five people who started in my class, only thirty nine made it through. Most dropped out within the first week. Try having that man yelling "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" at you for forty two weeks straight and then tell me it isn't a hard course.
I'm quite glad I was in his group when we went through. Out of the thirty nine who graduated to become Aurors, I am one of fifteen that are still alive. Fifteen. That's a mortality rate of well over half my class. I thank Moody for making sure I wasn't one of those other twenty four Aurors. Well, him and Sirius.
Sirius was an Auror, you know. Completely threw tradition and the "honor of the family" in Grandmum's face. She was furious. I remember Aunt Cissa coming over and telling us about it. I think that's when I decided I wanted to be one too. Anything Sirius did was wonderful by me, and anything that made Grandmum that mad was even better.
When Sirius would come over I would make him play Auror with me. Of course he was always the Bad Guy and I was always the Star Auror. I didn't know then that it would be training for later on, of course, but I still remember at lot about those old games.
"Always check the corners of every room. You never know where a bad guy may be."
"Make sure you keep your wand pointed down, but be ready to bring it up at a second's notice."
"C'Mon, Dora! You have to watch where you're going! You're going to broadcast to every bad guy for 3 miles that you're here if you step on a ward. This is how you can look for them. . . "
I never met any of Sirius' friends. Well, at least not until after I had been inducted into the New Order. I know that James Potter was an Auror as well, and that his wife Lily had something to do with charms for the Old Order, but I never met them. I wish I could have met them. If Harry's any indication of what they were like, they would have been wonderful people.
The Potters died when I was seven. Or was it eight? I don't remember any more. Funny how you can remember the day, but not the date. What I really remember is Mum taking me out to celebrate with Dad. There were shooting stars and owls everywhere. The Statute of Secrecy went right out the door that morning. Can't say I really blame anyone. . . there was suddenly a dawn after thirteen years of night. Who wouldn't want to celebrate?
Well, there were a few people.
I never really believed Sirius could do it. I'd heard him talk about Harry before. Heard him tell Mum about the pranks he and James would get into. Mum even had a picture from the Potter's wedding on the wall in the living room with Sirius and James and Lily. They were his family. Not by blood, of course, but by choice. Anyone who knew them knew that. I just couldn't bring myself to believe that he'd be able to kill his family. It would be like saying he could kill Mum and I. It was ludicrous.
It was really hard when I was to young to know not to defend him. Sirius was a ghost story that parents would tell their naughty children. "Better watch out, or Sirius Black will come after you!" I stood up for him for a while, telling people in no uncertain terms that my cousin would never do such a thing and they had better shut up about it.
Lost more than a few friends that way. They'd be mad at me for yelling at them, and their parents would be horrified that I was related to the Monster. After a while I learned to keep quiet about it. Eventually, almost everyone forgot I was even related to him.
Except Dumbledore. Of course he knew my lineage. I sometimes think the bloke knows everything. He also knew that I wasn't made of the same stuff as the rest of the Blacks, as my Aunt Bella loved to remind me. I was made of the same stuff as my Mum. Same as Sirius.
I was so relieved when I found out he was okay. I nearly bowled him over the first night I came back to Grandmum's house. Of course Grandmum's picture started screaming at me the moment I knocked over that blasted umbrella stand, but it didn't matter. Sirius was alive. I was right, he wasn't the murderer everyone else thought him to be. He was here with me again. It was just like old times. He wasn't the Bad Guy, but I still got to be the Star Auror.
But when he needed to be saved, I couldn't be there for him. No, Dora Tonks, Star Auror was too busy being unconscious and bleeding on the floor to save one of the people she cared most about in the world. I wasn't there when he needed me most. Everything he taught me, and I still wasn't good enough. Then I found out it was Aunt Bella.
So that's why I am sitting here, slowly going crazy and not being able to do anything about it. Bellatrix Lestrange, Aunt Bella, has become almost an obsession. She has caused so much pain in the world. Not just in my life, but in everything she's touched. Between Dad and Mum and Sirius, that would be more than enough, but now I keep hearing about other things. Like the Conways. Killed on the spot for being muggle born. Like the McCombs. Mowed down by the Killing Curse for standing up to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Like the Longbottoms.
Oh, Merlin. How Neville deals with it, I'll never know.
I want nothing so much as to go after her and finish what Sirius started last Spring. I would like nothing so much as to show her what being a Black really means. It has nothing to do with blood or purity. It deals with pride. It deals with the courage to stand up against any odds. It deals with love. It deals with forgiveness and frailty and humanity. None of which she has. None of which she is.
Aunt Bella gave up being a Black long ago. She's a Lestrange now, not a Black. Never a Black. She's a disgrace to the name. And I am going to make sure she realizes that before she dies.
Before I kill her.
But I have to wait. Wait for the "opportune moment" like Dumbledore keeps telling me. As Sirius reminded me. I hope it comes soon. I hope he's watching me, wherever he is now. I hope he understands why I am doing this.
For that matter, I hope she does too. I hope the opportune moment comes very, very soon. And I hope I'm the one to show her what it means to be a Tonks.
To be a Black.