Name: The Death Eater Meeting
Author: Moi, Ajay, The PM
Email: thepotionsmistress@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Genre: Humour
Pairings: None
Summary: Snape decides to go to a meeting held by Voldemort. What a big mistake! Hehehe, this is just a random crazy fic where nobody acts like they should. It's all very out of character! This is part one! More to come!
Spoilers: Yes
Disclaimer: All belong to the goddess herself JKR. I wish Snape belonged to me hr /
Severus Snape walked into the room. The room held a simple round table with 10 chairs around it. One of these chairs, Snape noticed was significantly larger and more impressive than the others. To the left of the room there was a large nude statue of the celebrated wizard Albus Dumbledore, to the right a large and mysterious floating ball of evil fire, or so the label underneath it read. Somehow it didn't give off that evil feel. Snape figured the fire shouldn't have been pink and yellow. Snape adjusted his mask to cover his pale face and sat down opposite the large impressive chair. Snape found that somebody was already present at the table.
"Hello Lucius" Snape said to the figure wearing an identical mask.
"Damn. How did you know it was me?" Lucius replied.
"Ummm... you're the only person I know who carries a pimp stick around with them"
"Excuse me? This is not a pimp stick! This is a fourteenth century goblin wrought silver snake cane handed down the Malfoy family for generations. This is a family heirloom." He said rather matter of factly.
"Oh... of course" Snape said, his voice rich with sarcasm. Lucius gave Snape one of those 'evil' looks so typical of semi-villain characters. As they exchanged 'evil' looks, (Lucius coming a close second, for nothing could beat the oh-my-god-I'm-shitting-my-pants-stare that Snape gave him) a newcomer walked in the door, tripped over the hem of their long cloak and proceeded to walk to the table where the other two were.
"Wormtail?!!! What? Why, who else is coming?" Snape said rolling his eyes as this Wormtail took his seat opposite Snape in the big impressive chair.
"I don't know. Maybe some of the old crew" Lucius said, gently stroking his precious 'fourteenth century goblin wrought silver snake cane that had been handed down the Malfoy family for generations.
"Oooh!" exclaimed Wormtail. "So James, Remus and Sirius are coming!? I hope they'll be here soon"
"Wormtail" started Snape. This is a meeting with the Ultimate Evil. He who must not be named."
"Who?" Wormtail asked his voice sounding ultra confused.
"He Who Must Not Be Named"
"Yea, and who is he?"
"He Who Must Not Be Named!"
"Why can't he be named?" Wormtail whined. Lucius and Snape gave each other exasperated looks. Then Snape realised that it was a valid question.
"Because He Who Must Not Be Named hasn't told us his name yet."
"Oh." Said Wormtail. "So what is this meeting about?"
"This is a meeting of a few people who will aid He Who Must Not Be Named in the task of taking over the entire Wizarding world with brute strength, sneakiness, lies, deception, panic and general calamity. Oh also involved will be (Snape pulls a leaflet entitled So you want to join He Who Must Not Be Named?) and reads the list. "Muggle hunting, Muggle torture, Muggle Mundaneness, Muggle Madness, Muggle Mean-ness, Muggle m.... Oh look now this is just being ridiculous, Muggle Manicures? You'd think that He Who Must Not Be Named just picked up a dictionary and put all the M words in the dictionary after the word Muggle?" Snape scanned down the page. "Oh yes, Muggle Menagerie, Muggle Moonwalk." Snape screwed the pamphlet into a small ball and threw it into the ball of 'evil' pink and yellow fire. "What a waste of time" he spat.
"Hey why did I not get one of those?" Wormtail asked a look of hurt on his mousey face.
"Somehow Wormtail, I don't even think you should even be here" Lucius replied.
"Why not?" Wormtail demanded on the verge of tears. "I can torture muggles!" Wormtail declared, pulling his wand out of his pocket and pointing it at Snape and Lucius.
"Uh, Wormtail" Lucius said. "Put your wand down. We aren't muggles"
"Oh..." Wormtail put his wand back in his pocket. "Yea, I forgot."
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Just then a dozen or so wizards swept into the room followed by a very impressive looking wizard dressed in black robes. They all took their places at the round table.
"Crucio" the impressive wizard who we can be assured is He Who Must Not Be Named shouted, pointing at the unfortunate being sitting in the impressive chair. Wormtail, the unfortunate soul screamed in pain like a little girl.
"Get out of my chair" He Who Must Not Be Named commanded, as Wormtail slumped to the ground. "Idiot," He Who Must Not Be Named muttered and sat down on the chair, the Big Daddy chair as it liked to be called. The being looked around at his followers and spoke to them in a high pitched evil voice.
"Welcome to my evil lair" it said, unveiling its hood to reveal its ugly pale face and red snake-like eyes.
"Ewwww.... It's hideous!" one of the wizards cried in alarm.
"Avada Kedavra" Shouted a woman's voice, from the person sitting on the right of He Who Must Not Be Named. The offending wizard fell over dead. The witch smiled. Or we can assume she smiled, but I can't back that up for sure. After all she is wearing a mask :p
"Bellatrix" He Who Must Not Be Named said with a sigh. "Do you think that was necessary? Ok yea, Nagini, just drag Regulus into the corner, yes ah..... isn't that tasty.... ooh starting with the leg? Aha... yes....ew.... ok don't look now people... ok that's nasty... ouch that IS tender.... ok lets just all turn away now" The attention turned away from the large snake devouring Regulus Black and found its way back onto He Who Must Not Be Named.
"Right. Continuing" He Who Must Not Be Named looked down at his leather planner book in front of him.
"Ok, we have (he squinted so he could read the scrawled red writing) General Housekeeping. He looked up at the nine other people staring back at him. He heard a noise whimpering at his feet. He Who Must Not Be Named rolled his eyes.
"Wormtail, what are you doing down there?"
"There are no chairs left, Sir" Wormtail sobbed.
"Crucio!" Bellatrix cried, her wand pointing at Wormtail. With a wave of He Who Must Not Be Named's wand, the curse stopped and Wormtail stopped gigging around in pain, his howls sounding very much like a new born baby's.
"Bellatrix! What did I tell you about Wand overuse?"
shook his head. "Next time I'm confiscating it" Bellatrix sulked in her chair and looked at Wormtail with utmost loathing.
"Ok so, General Housekeeping... oh yes NOW WHAT?" He Who Must Not Be Named moaned as Snape raised his hand.
"So what do we call you? He Who Must Not Be Named is a bit long winded Master. (And Ajay just can't be bothered typing it over and over again :p). Snape said that last part looking directly at Bellatrix.
"Aha! That's the third thing on the list! But I suppose we can do that now." He Who Must Not Be Named said, brandishing his red quill and crossing off Unveil Name from his list of things to do.
"My name will be feared. Everyone will be too afraid to say it. It will strike fear in the hearts of EVERYBODY!" He Who Must Not Be Named rose to his feet. "From this day on you shall all refer to me as... LORD VOLDEMORT!!!!!" Silence. More Silence. Even More Silence.
"Well?" said Lord Voldemort. Snape looked at Lord Voldemort. Being the skilled occulmens he was, Lord Voldemort did not know that Snape was laughing hysterically at that rather pathetic excuse for a name.
"Uh" began Snape "That name is still a bit long. Do you have a shorter one?"
"FEAR ME! I am the Dark Lord" the Dark Lord shouted. Snape gave the Dark Lord another characteristic Snapey look. Snape wondered to himself 'Oh god why am I here?'
"Ok fine. Just call me Voldie then if 3 syllables are just too hard for you to say Mr-I-need-an-abbreviated-short-name. Throw me a freaking bone here." He looked at the group before him. "Ok, does anybody else have any name problems? Oh good, moving along then" he said, turning to the next page in the handsome leather planner book.
"Right, now I, me being the head of this evil cabinet, I have official NAMING RIGHTS to name our group. After going through many possibilities (he scanned the small list of could-be names like Evil-Doers, The Group Of Wizards That Are Really Really Evil, Evil United and Microsoft) I have come up with the perfect name!" Voldie said with a laugh in his cold voice.
"Oh really?" a wizard named Rosier asked.
"Crucio!" shouted Bellatrix, standing up and making Rosier jerk like a puppet on a string.
"BELLATRIX! What did I tell you?" Voldie sighed, reaching his hand out to her. "Give the wand to me!"
"But...M-master... he was being disrespectable!" Bellatrix protested, handing Voldie her precious wand.
"Ok, getting back on task. I have the perfect evil name."
"Really Master? And what will we be called?" Lucius asked Voldie.
"We, bound by Evil and lots of other Bad Stuff will be collectively known as....The DEATH EATERS!!!" At this revelation, the pink and yellow floating 'evil' fire started emitting purple sparks and Snape swore that he saw the statue of Albus Dumbledore wink.
"The What?" Many of them cried back.
"Geez guys have you got hearing problems or something? We will be called the Death Eaters!" Voldie explained.
"Oh no, that means we're ALL gonna DIE!!! Death is going to come and EAT US ALL!" The unidentified wizard stood up and ran away in a frenzy. "Oh no, don't run there.... lookout!" Voldie cried as the wizard ran straight into the pink and yellow 'evil' fire.
"We're gonna be eaten! Arrrrrh!" the wizard cried as the pink and yellow flames devoured his body. Many of the spectators decided to look the other way.
"Oh well, one less person who gets a special gift. By the way Wormtail, there go and take that seat that that wizard has nicely vacated. Oh and while you're at it, please hand one of these to each person" Voldie handed Wormtail a stack of plastic sticker thingys emblazed with a skull and snake motif.
"What are these Master?" a voice came from under the mask of an unnamed wizard.
"These are tattoos. Put them on your left arms."
None of the wizards moved, not even Mrs I-obey-everything-that-the-Dark- Lord-says Lestrange.
"What is your problem now people? Can you not follow orders?" Voldie sighed at them, who were still looking at him in wonder.
"These things aren't tattoos. They're stickers" Snape said VERY apprehensively.
"The ARE tattoos! But...aha...well...they're temporary. Um.... I kinda ran low on the funding. I mean I had to find a way to pay for this lovely chair." Voldemort stroked Big Daddy, the impressive chair. "When we raise the required funds we can get fancy permanent tattoos, does that make you happy Sevvie?" Snape narrowed his eyes at Voldemort while the Death Eaters chuckled at Snape's misfortune – he hated being called Sevvie. Reminded him of his old childhood nanny. Wretched woman.
"As you wish... Master" Snape said through gritted teeth as he and the rest of the Death Eaters stuck their temporary Dark Marks to their left arms. Voldemort smiled at them. Then he consulted his leather planning book, reading through his notes.
"Yes... general housekeeping that's done, ok, told them the name, aha now what's next?" he muttered, searching the page with a pale bony finger. "Aha, now we move onto Task Assigning" He looked around at his group of loyal followers. "Who wants a job?" he asked them.
"Oh me!!! Choose ME!!! Master, please choooooose mmmeeee!!!" Wormtail cried, waving his arm around about in the air.
"Anybody?" Voldemort asked again.
"Oh come on!!! Master, me! Me I want a job!!!" Wormtail shouted, jumping off his chair. Many would say that he looked as if he was trying to soil his pants.
"Anybody else?" Voldemort repeated, ignoring Wormtail. Everybody else sat quietly trying to mix in with the walls, the ceiling, anywhere the Dark Lord wasn't.
"Fine Wormtail, you can uh... feed Nagini" he said, pointing at the pile of bones in the corner where Nagini was licking up a puddle of red liquid formerly belonging to Regulus Black.
"Oh well... anything for you Master" Wormtail said lamely. "Where's the food?" Voldemort smiled evilly. "Uh you're the food!" He cackled long and loud which signalled everybody else to laugh along with him. Voldemort cackled and laughed until he could physically not laugh any longer. Finally after Voldie had finished his evil cackling they sat in silence, waiting for Voldemort to say something.
"Ok, it is evident that I must take over delegation since none of you seem very eager. So for the post of Secretary – hmmm eeny meeny miney Mo! Ok, Avery, you're secretary." Voldemort said, pointing to a tall wizard that was falling asleep, his head lolling off his shoulders.
"Wha??? Whaddidi miss?" he said sleepily, stretching out in a yawn.
"You're Secretary" Snape said with a smirk on his face.
"Right Severus, I saw that smirk, so you get to be-"
"Wait a minute!" Snape interrupted. "I'm wearing a mask. How could you see my face?"
"That doesn't matter" Voldie said smugly. "Ok? So you get to be Treasurer."
"Aww Master! Can't I be the Treasurer?" Lucius begged – well demanded more like. Lucius Malfoy didn't beg.
"Sheesh fine ok, Lucius you can be Treasurer"
"Excellent" Lucius whispered with a wicked grin on his face.
"Ok now. I'll get you two, yes that is you Crabbe and Goyle (points at the two largest gooniest members present) to be in charge of the Brute Strength Persuasion. Aha.... and you, yes you MacNair, you keep your ministry job killing innocent creatures. Barty Jr, you can be in charge of Sabotage. Everybody else, work on recruiting more members!"
"Now, moving on to the next thing on the agenda and... yes WHAT NOW Severus?" Voldemort said snarkily, getting a bit annoyed at all these interruptions.
"Now why do we have to wear cloaks and masks if you're gonna bloody call us by our names? Now we aren't anonymous" Snape pointed out. Voldemort gave a small smile.
"Oops! Hehe, I forgot about that aye.." Voldie admitted, smacking his hand with his hand. "Nothing I can do about that now. While we're at it, I might as well ask, does anybody else have any questions?" A few people raised their hands.
"Dammit." Voldemort cursed. "Ok yea, Nott what's up?"
"Why is there a NAKED statue of Albus Dumbledore here?"
"Oh. Hehe. Well that's there for practise." Smiled Voldemort. Snape, Lucius, Nott and everyone else ran for the door, absolutely disgusted at Voldemort.
"No no no not THAT kind of practise" he shook his head and pointed his wand at the statue.
"Crucio" he said and the statue of Dumbledore began to scream in pain. Bellatrix's eyes lit up like a blinking Christmas tree.
"I see" Nott said. "But why isn't he wearing clothes?" Voldemort looked at them all sheepishly. "Um well, after buying the Big Daddy chair and the tattoos-" "You mean stickers" Snape interrupted. "They're NOT stickers! But anyways, after that there was just not enough money to buy clothes for the statue. Cuts had to be made you see. What?" he protested, looking at the looks on the Death Eaters' faces. "it's not like I wanted him to be naked. Besides... oh look, forget it I'm not going to bother explaining. Yes you had a question Bellatrix?"
"Can I have my wand back please Master?" she asked.
"Oh. Ok then." Voldemort handed Bellatrix her wand back.
"CRUCIO!" she cried hitting Naked Dumbledore right in the nads. Many of the wizards, Voldemort included cringed. The statue cried out in pain. "STUPEFY! REDUCTO! IMPEDIMENTA!" she shouted at the statue, sending various hexes at it. Voldemort merely raised an eye.
"Ok" he whispered. "Let's just let Bellatrix do her thing. Next on the agenda... Fundraising . Anybody got any creative ideas? Ok Lucuis, yes what is your idea?"
"Why don't we just steal it?"
"Because... because Lucius, stealing is wrong. I have a better idea. How about we kill muggles and take their money?" Voldemort suggested.
"Oh yes because killing ISN'T wrong" Snape said sarcastically. Voldemort gave him a dirty look.
"Master? How about we just get some collectors to walk around Diagon Alley begging for money. Like you know, how muggles do sometimes for charity?" Avery suggested meekly.
"Ooh yes! And we can have little buckets with our logo on them! Lucius, how much do we have in the bank so we can buy these buckets." The Dark Lord asked. Lucius peered at the financial records.
"According to this... we have.... fifteen knuts" said Lucius, giving Voldemort an accusing look.
"What is that look for? I did NOT take the kitty money!" he defended himself. "Expenses merely ran out of hand"
"Um... what about Big Daddy?" Snape questioned.
"Yea, as I said expenses ran out of hand!" Voldemort said guiltily. Snape threw Voldie a dirty look.
"Look" Voldemort sighed. "That's all I have on the agenda. Next meeting –I'll cal you guys. Buy Muggle phones. Feel free to bring some friends along next time. Tell them there will be free milk and cookies, yay for bribery. Suck them in with goodies. Thanks for coming! Oh, and here are some pamphlets on Being a Death Eater you might want to read. See you guys next meeting. Oh and Bellatrix, you can stop torturing Dumbledore now" Bellatrix looked at Voldie, lowered her wand smiled at him and left with everybody who were leaving. Snape was the last one to leave.
"That was a really good turnout" Voldemort nodded, conjuring up a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.
"Hmmm" Snape grunted, turning to leave.
"Would you like some cookies Severus?" Voldie mumbled, crumbs falling out of his mouth. Snape rolled his eyes and left the room without replying.
"Don't forget about the next meeting! Bye" The Dark Lord called from the other room.
Snape realised that he had no idea what he had gotten himself into.
Author: Moi, Ajay, The PM
Email: thepotionsmistress@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Genre: Humour
Pairings: None
Summary: Snape decides to go to a meeting held by Voldemort. What a big mistake! Hehehe, this is just a random crazy fic where nobody acts like they should. It's all very out of character! This is part one! More to come!
Spoilers: Yes
Disclaimer: All belong to the goddess herself JKR. I wish Snape belonged to me hr /
Severus Snape walked into the room. The room held a simple round table with 10 chairs around it. One of these chairs, Snape noticed was significantly larger and more impressive than the others. To the left of the room there was a large nude statue of the celebrated wizard Albus Dumbledore, to the right a large and mysterious floating ball of evil fire, or so the label underneath it read. Somehow it didn't give off that evil feel. Snape figured the fire shouldn't have been pink and yellow. Snape adjusted his mask to cover his pale face and sat down opposite the large impressive chair. Snape found that somebody was already present at the table.
"Hello Lucius" Snape said to the figure wearing an identical mask.
"Damn. How did you know it was me?" Lucius replied.
"Ummm... you're the only person I know who carries a pimp stick around with them"
"Excuse me? This is not a pimp stick! This is a fourteenth century goblin wrought silver snake cane handed down the Malfoy family for generations. This is a family heirloom." He said rather matter of factly.
"Oh... of course" Snape said, his voice rich with sarcasm. Lucius gave Snape one of those 'evil' looks so typical of semi-villain characters. As they exchanged 'evil' looks, (Lucius coming a close second, for nothing could beat the oh-my-god-I'm-shitting-my-pants-stare that Snape gave him) a newcomer walked in the door, tripped over the hem of their long cloak and proceeded to walk to the table where the other two were.
"Wormtail?!!! What? Why, who else is coming?" Snape said rolling his eyes as this Wormtail took his seat opposite Snape in the big impressive chair.
"I don't know. Maybe some of the old crew" Lucius said, gently stroking his precious 'fourteenth century goblin wrought silver snake cane that had been handed down the Malfoy family for generations.
"Oooh!" exclaimed Wormtail. "So James, Remus and Sirius are coming!? I hope they'll be here soon"
"Wormtail" started Snape. This is a meeting with the Ultimate Evil. He who must not be named."
"Who?" Wormtail asked his voice sounding ultra confused.
"He Who Must Not Be Named"
"Yea, and who is he?"
"He Who Must Not Be Named!"
"Why can't he be named?" Wormtail whined. Lucius and Snape gave each other exasperated looks. Then Snape realised that it was a valid question.
"Because He Who Must Not Be Named hasn't told us his name yet."
"Oh." Said Wormtail. "So what is this meeting about?"
"This is a meeting of a few people who will aid He Who Must Not Be Named in the task of taking over the entire Wizarding world with brute strength, sneakiness, lies, deception, panic and general calamity. Oh also involved will be (Snape pulls a leaflet entitled So you want to join He Who Must Not Be Named?) and reads the list. "Muggle hunting, Muggle torture, Muggle Mundaneness, Muggle Madness, Muggle Mean-ness, Muggle m.... Oh look now this is just being ridiculous, Muggle Manicures? You'd think that He Who Must Not Be Named just picked up a dictionary and put all the M words in the dictionary after the word Muggle?" Snape scanned down the page. "Oh yes, Muggle Menagerie, Muggle Moonwalk." Snape screwed the pamphlet into a small ball and threw it into the ball of 'evil' pink and yellow fire. "What a waste of time" he spat.
"Hey why did I not get one of those?" Wormtail asked a look of hurt on his mousey face.
"Somehow Wormtail, I don't even think you should even be here" Lucius replied.
"Why not?" Wormtail demanded on the verge of tears. "I can torture muggles!" Wormtail declared, pulling his wand out of his pocket and pointing it at Snape and Lucius.
"Uh, Wormtail" Lucius said. "Put your wand down. We aren't muggles"
"Oh..." Wormtail put his wand back in his pocket. "Yea, I forgot."
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Just then a dozen or so wizards swept into the room followed by a very impressive looking wizard dressed in black robes. They all took their places at the round table.
"Crucio" the impressive wizard who we can be assured is He Who Must Not Be Named shouted, pointing at the unfortunate being sitting in the impressive chair. Wormtail, the unfortunate soul screamed in pain like a little girl.
"Get out of my chair" He Who Must Not Be Named commanded, as Wormtail slumped to the ground. "Idiot," He Who Must Not Be Named muttered and sat down on the chair, the Big Daddy chair as it liked to be called. The being looked around at his followers and spoke to them in a high pitched evil voice.
"Welcome to my evil lair" it said, unveiling its hood to reveal its ugly pale face and red snake-like eyes.
"Ewwww.... It's hideous!" one of the wizards cried in alarm.
"Avada Kedavra" Shouted a woman's voice, from the person sitting on the right of He Who Must Not Be Named. The offending wizard fell over dead. The witch smiled. Or we can assume she smiled, but I can't back that up for sure. After all she is wearing a mask :p
"Bellatrix" He Who Must Not Be Named said with a sigh. "Do you think that was necessary? Ok yea, Nagini, just drag Regulus into the corner, yes ah..... isn't that tasty.... ooh starting with the leg? Aha... yes....ew.... ok don't look now people... ok that's nasty... ouch that IS tender.... ok lets just all turn away now" The attention turned away from the large snake devouring Regulus Black and found its way back onto He Who Must Not Be Named.
"Right. Continuing" He Who Must Not Be Named looked down at his leather planner book in front of him.
"Ok, we have (he squinted so he could read the scrawled red writing) General Housekeeping. He looked up at the nine other people staring back at him. He heard a noise whimpering at his feet. He Who Must Not Be Named rolled his eyes.
"Wormtail, what are you doing down there?"
"There are no chairs left, Sir" Wormtail sobbed.
"Crucio!" Bellatrix cried, her wand pointing at Wormtail. With a wave of He Who Must Not Be Named's wand, the curse stopped and Wormtail stopped gigging around in pain, his howls sounding very much like a new born baby's.
"Bellatrix! What did I tell you about Wand overuse?"
shook his head. "Next time I'm confiscating it" Bellatrix sulked in her chair and looked at Wormtail with utmost loathing.
"Ok so, General Housekeeping... oh yes NOW WHAT?" He Who Must Not Be Named moaned as Snape raised his hand.
"So what do we call you? He Who Must Not Be Named is a bit long winded Master. (And Ajay just can't be bothered typing it over and over again :p). Snape said that last part looking directly at Bellatrix.
"Aha! That's the third thing on the list! But I suppose we can do that now." He Who Must Not Be Named said, brandishing his red quill and crossing off Unveil Name from his list of things to do.
"My name will be feared. Everyone will be too afraid to say it. It will strike fear in the hearts of EVERYBODY!" He Who Must Not Be Named rose to his feet. "From this day on you shall all refer to me as... LORD VOLDEMORT!!!!!" Silence. More Silence. Even More Silence.
"Well?" said Lord Voldemort. Snape looked at Lord Voldemort. Being the skilled occulmens he was, Lord Voldemort did not know that Snape was laughing hysterically at that rather pathetic excuse for a name.
"Uh" began Snape "That name is still a bit long. Do you have a shorter one?"
"FEAR ME! I am the Dark Lord" the Dark Lord shouted. Snape gave the Dark Lord another characteristic Snapey look. Snape wondered to himself 'Oh god why am I here?'
"Ok fine. Just call me Voldie then if 3 syllables are just too hard for you to say Mr-I-need-an-abbreviated-short-name. Throw me a freaking bone here." He looked at the group before him. "Ok, does anybody else have any name problems? Oh good, moving along then" he said, turning to the next page in the handsome leather planner book.
"Right, now I, me being the head of this evil cabinet, I have official NAMING RIGHTS to name our group. After going through many possibilities (he scanned the small list of could-be names like Evil-Doers, The Group Of Wizards That Are Really Really Evil, Evil United and Microsoft) I have come up with the perfect name!" Voldie said with a laugh in his cold voice.
"Oh really?" a wizard named Rosier asked.
"Crucio!" shouted Bellatrix, standing up and making Rosier jerk like a puppet on a string.
"BELLATRIX! What did I tell you?" Voldie sighed, reaching his hand out to her. "Give the wand to me!"
"But...M-master... he was being disrespectable!" Bellatrix protested, handing Voldie her precious wand.
"Ok, getting back on task. I have the perfect evil name."
"Really Master? And what will we be called?" Lucius asked Voldie.
"We, bound by Evil and lots of other Bad Stuff will be collectively known as....The DEATH EATERS!!!" At this revelation, the pink and yellow floating 'evil' fire started emitting purple sparks and Snape swore that he saw the statue of Albus Dumbledore wink.
"The What?" Many of them cried back.
"Geez guys have you got hearing problems or something? We will be called the Death Eaters!" Voldie explained.
"Oh no, that means we're ALL gonna DIE!!! Death is going to come and EAT US ALL!" The unidentified wizard stood up and ran away in a frenzy. "Oh no, don't run there.... lookout!" Voldie cried as the wizard ran straight into the pink and yellow 'evil' fire.
"We're gonna be eaten! Arrrrrh!" the wizard cried as the pink and yellow flames devoured his body. Many of the spectators decided to look the other way.
"Oh well, one less person who gets a special gift. By the way Wormtail, there go and take that seat that that wizard has nicely vacated. Oh and while you're at it, please hand one of these to each person" Voldie handed Wormtail a stack of plastic sticker thingys emblazed with a skull and snake motif.
"What are these Master?" a voice came from under the mask of an unnamed wizard.
"These are tattoos. Put them on your left arms."
None of the wizards moved, not even Mrs I-obey-everything-that-the-Dark- Lord-says Lestrange.
"What is your problem now people? Can you not follow orders?" Voldie sighed at them, who were still looking at him in wonder.
"These things aren't tattoos. They're stickers" Snape said VERY apprehensively.
"The ARE tattoos! But...aha...well...they're temporary. Um.... I kinda ran low on the funding. I mean I had to find a way to pay for this lovely chair." Voldemort stroked Big Daddy, the impressive chair. "When we raise the required funds we can get fancy permanent tattoos, does that make you happy Sevvie?" Snape narrowed his eyes at Voldemort while the Death Eaters chuckled at Snape's misfortune – he hated being called Sevvie. Reminded him of his old childhood nanny. Wretched woman.
"As you wish... Master" Snape said through gritted teeth as he and the rest of the Death Eaters stuck their temporary Dark Marks to their left arms. Voldemort smiled at them. Then he consulted his leather planning book, reading through his notes.
"Yes... general housekeeping that's done, ok, told them the name, aha now what's next?" he muttered, searching the page with a pale bony finger. "Aha, now we move onto Task Assigning" He looked around at his group of loyal followers. "Who wants a job?" he asked them.
"Oh me!!! Choose ME!!! Master, please choooooose mmmeeee!!!" Wormtail cried, waving his arm around about in the air.
"Anybody?" Voldemort asked again.
"Oh come on!!! Master, me! Me I want a job!!!" Wormtail shouted, jumping off his chair. Many would say that he looked as if he was trying to soil his pants.
"Anybody else?" Voldemort repeated, ignoring Wormtail. Everybody else sat quietly trying to mix in with the walls, the ceiling, anywhere the Dark Lord wasn't.
"Fine Wormtail, you can uh... feed Nagini" he said, pointing at the pile of bones in the corner where Nagini was licking up a puddle of red liquid formerly belonging to Regulus Black.
"Oh well... anything for you Master" Wormtail said lamely. "Where's the food?" Voldemort smiled evilly. "Uh you're the food!" He cackled long and loud which signalled everybody else to laugh along with him. Voldemort cackled and laughed until he could physically not laugh any longer. Finally after Voldie had finished his evil cackling they sat in silence, waiting for Voldemort to say something.
"Ok, it is evident that I must take over delegation since none of you seem very eager. So for the post of Secretary – hmmm eeny meeny miney Mo! Ok, Avery, you're secretary." Voldemort said, pointing to a tall wizard that was falling asleep, his head lolling off his shoulders.
"Wha??? Whaddidi miss?" he said sleepily, stretching out in a yawn.
"You're Secretary" Snape said with a smirk on his face.
"Right Severus, I saw that smirk, so you get to be-"
"Wait a minute!" Snape interrupted. "I'm wearing a mask. How could you see my face?"
"That doesn't matter" Voldie said smugly. "Ok? So you get to be Treasurer."
"Aww Master! Can't I be the Treasurer?" Lucius begged – well demanded more like. Lucius Malfoy didn't beg.
"Sheesh fine ok, Lucius you can be Treasurer"
"Excellent" Lucius whispered with a wicked grin on his face.
"Ok now. I'll get you two, yes that is you Crabbe and Goyle (points at the two largest gooniest members present) to be in charge of the Brute Strength Persuasion. Aha.... and you, yes you MacNair, you keep your ministry job killing innocent creatures. Barty Jr, you can be in charge of Sabotage. Everybody else, work on recruiting more members!"
"Now, moving on to the next thing on the agenda and... yes WHAT NOW Severus?" Voldemort said snarkily, getting a bit annoyed at all these interruptions.
"Now why do we have to wear cloaks and masks if you're gonna bloody call us by our names? Now we aren't anonymous" Snape pointed out. Voldemort gave a small smile.
"Oops! Hehe, I forgot about that aye.." Voldie admitted, smacking his hand with his hand. "Nothing I can do about that now. While we're at it, I might as well ask, does anybody else have any questions?" A few people raised their hands.
"Dammit." Voldemort cursed. "Ok yea, Nott what's up?"
"Why is there a NAKED statue of Albus Dumbledore here?"
"Oh. Hehe. Well that's there for practise." Smiled Voldemort. Snape, Lucius, Nott and everyone else ran for the door, absolutely disgusted at Voldemort.
"No no no not THAT kind of practise" he shook his head and pointed his wand at the statue.
"Crucio" he said and the statue of Dumbledore began to scream in pain. Bellatrix's eyes lit up like a blinking Christmas tree.
"I see" Nott said. "But why isn't he wearing clothes?" Voldemort looked at them all sheepishly. "Um well, after buying the Big Daddy chair and the tattoos-" "You mean stickers" Snape interrupted. "They're NOT stickers! But anyways, after that there was just not enough money to buy clothes for the statue. Cuts had to be made you see. What?" he protested, looking at the looks on the Death Eaters' faces. "it's not like I wanted him to be naked. Besides... oh look, forget it I'm not going to bother explaining. Yes you had a question Bellatrix?"
"Can I have my wand back please Master?" she asked.
"Oh. Ok then." Voldemort handed Bellatrix her wand back.
"CRUCIO!" she cried hitting Naked Dumbledore right in the nads. Many of the wizards, Voldemort included cringed. The statue cried out in pain. "STUPEFY! REDUCTO! IMPEDIMENTA!" she shouted at the statue, sending various hexes at it. Voldemort merely raised an eye.
"Ok" he whispered. "Let's just let Bellatrix do her thing. Next on the agenda... Fundraising . Anybody got any creative ideas? Ok Lucuis, yes what is your idea?"
"Why don't we just steal it?"
"Because... because Lucius, stealing is wrong. I have a better idea. How about we kill muggles and take their money?" Voldemort suggested.
"Oh yes because killing ISN'T wrong" Snape said sarcastically. Voldemort gave him a dirty look.
"Master? How about we just get some collectors to walk around Diagon Alley begging for money. Like you know, how muggles do sometimes for charity?" Avery suggested meekly.
"Ooh yes! And we can have little buckets with our logo on them! Lucius, how much do we have in the bank so we can buy these buckets." The Dark Lord asked. Lucius peered at the financial records.
"According to this... we have.... fifteen knuts" said Lucius, giving Voldemort an accusing look.
"What is that look for? I did NOT take the kitty money!" he defended himself. "Expenses merely ran out of hand"
"Um... what about Big Daddy?" Snape questioned.
"Yea, as I said expenses ran out of hand!" Voldemort said guiltily. Snape threw Voldie a dirty look.
"Look" Voldemort sighed. "That's all I have on the agenda. Next meeting –I'll cal you guys. Buy Muggle phones. Feel free to bring some friends along next time. Tell them there will be free milk and cookies, yay for bribery. Suck them in with goodies. Thanks for coming! Oh, and here are some pamphlets on Being a Death Eater you might want to read. See you guys next meeting. Oh and Bellatrix, you can stop torturing Dumbledore now" Bellatrix looked at Voldie, lowered her wand smiled at him and left with everybody who were leaving. Snape was the last one to leave.
"That was a really good turnout" Voldemort nodded, conjuring up a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.
"Hmmm" Snape grunted, turning to leave.
"Would you like some cookies Severus?" Voldie mumbled, crumbs falling out of his mouth. Snape rolled his eyes and left the room without replying.
"Don't forget about the next meeting! Bye" The Dark Lord called from the other room.
Snape realised that he had no idea what he had gotten himself into.