Is it indeed so? If I lay here dead, wouldst thou miss any life in losing mine?
And would the sun for thee
more coldly shine? Because of grave damps falling round my head?
I marveled by beloved, when I read thy thought so in the letter.
I am thine- But….so much to thee? Can I pour thy wine while my hands tremble?
Then my soul, instead. Of dreams of death, resumes life's lower range.
Then love me. Love! Look on me-breathe on me!
As brighter ladies do not count it strange. For love, to give up acres and degree,
I yield the grave for thy sake, and exchange
My near sweet view of Heaven for Earth with thee!
Beloved-Elizabeth Barret Browning
There is a hole in the world they say, leads all the way to the other side. But there is an even bigger hole in my heart. Where you were. It's so lonely here with out you. To lead this life, it hurts. I need you here to make it better, to make me better, to make me feel whole again. To make me feel alive like you used to do. When I was with you, the things I felt. I knew I loved you from that very first time. And I knew you loved me back, I could see it in your eyes. I knew you didn't mean to hurt me, in the bathroom. You just needed me and I wanted you to. Cos you were right. I do like it when people hurt me. I crave your touch. My friends, they hear me at night, crying. They never ask, because they know. They know it's lonely here with out you. At night it gets so cold, and that's when I miss you most. I lay there, wrapped in it. The jacket. It smells like you you know. And I love it. Smoke, and musk, everything that is uniquely you. And a little bit of me. I can smell me on the jacket. I'm part of it, just like I'm a part of you and always will be.
Why did you leave? Did you stop loving me? Cos I never stopped loving you. I should have said it, I know. Would it have made a difference? Or would you still have left? Like all the others. Angel, Parker, and Riley. I thought you were different. Because you were mine and I was yours. Yours. It's so dark now, here in this life. I was in heaven once, and when I was with you I went back. But this, this is hell. The real thing. Everything hurts and they never stop coming for me. You understood though. Knew how it felt to be me. A slayer. Alone, and different. The weight of the world on my shoulders. But you helped. You would carry it for me. And I loved you for it. So did she. Dawnie. She blames me. I can see it. I didn't love you and you left. But I did, and she doesn't know. Doesn't know what it's like here. Feels like my heart was torn out, you took it with you when you left. I trusted you to take care of it. And you did. You cared, and loved and there was more passion there then with anyone, and now its gone, like you. Are you coming back? I think I see you sometimes, but no. Just another Billy Idol wannabe.
They told me it was wrong. To love you. To want you the way I did. I had heard it all before though. I never meant to hurt you……...
You said you saved me. Every night after I died. And now I wonder, what was it like for you? Is this how it felt when I was gone and you loved me? You said you saved me, and you did. Made it better. When I felt like nothing mattered, and hell was better than this life you made it better. Pushed me to be stronger, faster. So I would survive. Preparing me. For what? For this? Did you know? Have it all planned out all along? You knew one day you would leave. And I had to survive it. And I am. Oh gods how it hurts. To be here with out you. My beloved, my soul mate, my Spike.