Authors: Kimmie/TheRealMcCoy and Holly4 (Smiles4303aol.com and hangingavaricehotmail.com)
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Timeline: None
Spoilers: For anyone reading A Toast To Pandora, any of Holly's stuff, and to those who might ever read the Now It's A Disco chronicles.
Disclaimer: We own nothing. Don't sue us, please.
Authors' Note: We were bored. So sue us. (Only please don't. Refer to disclaimer) We obviously don't mean for this to be taken seriously and it definitely is not a sign of egotism—hell, we have to reassure each other all the time that we're not complete fuck-ups. It's merely a tool that we employed to hopefully jar Kimmie's writer's block. We know that this likely contains many private jokes and will only be amusing to ourselves. But, on the off chance that someone else finds it funny, we've decided to commit suicide and post it…though we'll later deny this and declare temporary insanity at a date yet to be determined. Thank you!
Love,
Holly and Kimmie
PS. What you're about to read is the reason we have never posted any of our collaborations. Though this is the first in script-form, they all pretty much go like this.
Josh walks down a dark hallway until reaching the third door on the left. The sign reads: CAST MEETING: ATTP. He looks down at his sheet to verify the address, nods, and enters. He sees Donna sitting at the table.
Josh: How long have you been here?
Donna: (shrugs) An hour.
Josh: (smirks) Over-achiever. (Glances down at the meeting itinerary before looking up with sudden outrage) How can I be so stupid?!
Donna: Must you really ask after all these years?
Josh: (smirks again) Cute. But seriously!
Donna: (hands go up) Don't ask me! Blame the writers.
Josh: There's more than one?
Donna: Currently.
Josh: (very confused) When did this happen?
Donna: They were talking about writer's block and things just went wonky from there.
Josh: …wonky?
Donna: Has anything sounded like me lately?
Josh: (stops to ponder that for a minute, glances back down to the itinerary, then begins jumping up and down in manner of impatient two-year old) Why am I such an idiot?!
Donna: We try not to blame your mother, but sometimes, things just go back to the womb.
Josh: DON-NA!
(Enter Dawn)
Dawn: I wouldn't be talking about idiocy and blaming things on mothers and wombs, Donna.
Donna: (points at Josh) His genes, not mine.
Josh: Hello! Back to me!
Donna: (sighs and rolls her eyes and turns to Dawn) When are the others going to get here?
Dawn: (checks watch) They should've been here by now.
Josh: (continuing) Did you not hear the list of credentials? Everything I have going for me? You'd think I'd be able to figure out what I'd do in a drunken situation.
Donna: Oh, so you're telling me you sleep with anyone when you're drunk?
Dawn: Sam did mention…
(Josh goes pale)
Donna: (horrified) I don't wanna know!
Josh: (looks down) Neither do I.
Dawn: (cracks up) Kidding, kidding.
Both: Whew…
(Enter Sam)
Sam: So what have I missed?
Donna: The general lateness of the authors and jokes that threaten your heterosexuality.
Sam: …Can I come back later?
Dawn: No. We have to get this over with. And these two have a penchant for drawing things out.
Sam: Can someone at least elaborate why I'm here? I'm due at Disco Review in thirty.
Josh: Well, we have to figure out why I'm so stupid!
Sam: We could blame your mother—
Donna: Been there, done that.
Dawn: Got the t-shirt.
(All look at Dawn)
Dawn: Sorry. Catch phrase from…you know…home.
Sam: There's no flaws with my character in this. I get to be the good guy; I get to have all the sex. And I even know White House history as a result. And can someone mention keeping a secret? I believe there should be a special award for keeping secrets.
Donna: Ummm…have you looked at the full script?
Sam: What? I don't remember reading…hold on. (Sam flips out his script: everyone follows suit)
Dawn: (reads) Ohhh…more sex. I like that.
Josh: (mumbling) At least you get to remember it.
Donna: Hey, look there, buddy. Toward the end?
Josh: Yeah, well, we all know she's not gonna give us a full kahuna.
Donna: Hey, she's nervous!
Dawn: If I know her editor, she'll make her go for the full kahuna.
(All pause in consideration then nod their agreement)
Dawn: (continuing with a shudder) And I really wish she wouldn't. Because my sister can be really…ummm…noisy. And Spike? Well—
Sam: Back to the itinerary. Says here that meeting topics are logistics and believability.
Donna: (frowns) Logistics? What's not logical about it?
Josh: THE PART WHERE I'M AN IDIOT!
(All pause)
Donna: And again, what's not logical about it?
Dawn: (rolls her eyes) Seriously, Josh. You get drunk, you go to Donna's. How many times have you done that?
Josh: …twenty-three.
Donna: That he remembers.
Josh: That I…wait a minute. Did we ever…?
Donna: No.
Josh: How do you know?
Donna: Because my system isn't as sensitive as yours. I can remember things.
Sam: Because she's not the idiot of this scenario.
Josh: Sam!
Sam: Okay. Since logistics is covered. Believability?
Dawn: (shrugs) I don't see why that's a problem.
Sam: Says here that she's worried the characters have gone insane and stepped outside the bubble.
Dawn: (waves dismissively) She says that about everything.
(All pause again)
All: Yeah.
Donna: I'm hormonal. He's hormonal. It's believable.
(Enter Spike and Buffy)
Donna: …forget I said that.
Spike: 'Lo all. What've we missed?
Dawn: SPIKE? BUFFY? What are you doing here?!
(Sam hides behind Josh)
Spike: (pulls out a huge, Bible-sized script and plops it on the table, causing the legs to waver) We've got our scripts here. When's the meetin' start?
Sam: Wrong meeting!
Buffy: (thwaps Spike's arm) Hey, that's him. (Points at Sam) Remember him from the first one?
Spike: (incredulous) That's the git that's shaggin' your baby sister?
Dawn: Hello! Not a baby, here!
Donna: Hey! Hey! Wrong meeting! We'll see you there in a little bit.
Spike: No, 've been invited to this one, too. (Shows them the invitation. All slump in discord)
Buffy: He had one line. He was excited.
Sam: Dawn tells me he gets excited easily.
(Spike glares at Sam. Sam continues hiding behind Josh)
Josh: Ummm…can we get back to the itinerary?
Donna: And the third item of business is…
(Enter Zack, wearing a tuxedo)
Spike: (lighting a cigarette) 'Lo, Zangy.
Zack: Sorry I'm late. We were rehearsing the time travel bit and I got stuck in 1892.
Josh: …What the fuck?
Buffy: (nods) Yeah, that's book four.
Donna: (To Buffy) Why are you even here? I can understand Spike and Zack…well…pardon Spike and Zack because of their little appearance toward the beginning, but…you're not supposed to be here.
(Enter Kelly)
Buffy: (shrugs) Spike insisted I tag along since we're going to the other meeting right after this one.
Kelly: Same here. (To Donna) And you saw me in my picture, so I was sort've on screen.
Josh: (covers face and mumbles) This has all gone to hell.
Kelly: I passed President Bartlet along the way. He started talking to me about the perks of soil enrichment. He mentioned he might stop by.
Josh: (panics) Can we wrap this up, please?
Dawn: Well, we were on believability and we got that done. We were about to go right onto—
Spike: (kicking his feet onto the table as he flips through ATTP) Yeh. I've been goin' through the script, an' I have a complaint.
Josh: Oh, alert the media. The minor, non-standing character has a complaint.
Donna: Hey, be nice to Spike.
Josh: (To Donna) What the hell?
Donna: (shrugs) In this, he helps me move furniture. (Looks down at his incredulous stare) I don't know. He's British.
Zack: (To Spike) What's your complaint?
Spike: (gestures to Josh) What that bloke said. We're minor, non-standing characters. We need more screen-time, mate!
Zack: (rolls eyes) Oh, for Chrissake. With everything we're already booked for, do you really think we have the time to be running over to ATTP whenever the author decides that she needs to start cracking? (He pauses) Hey. This means more publicity.
Spike and Zack: Let's do it.
Donna: Ummm…I really don't think this is your decision…
Zack: I'm in. I know I'm in. The author loves me.
Josh: Hey! She loves me more!
Spike: (shrugs) Her best mate loves me. I'm in, too.
Buffy: I don't think it's up to…you know. Besides, Zack's original point was very good. We're already over-booked! I have an Ascension to stop, a Slayer to catch, evil mythological gods to destroy, Hellmouths to close, Wolfram and Hart to contend with, you and Zack deciding to take on the world with your ever-growing list of lame ideas and conquests, and a sequel in the works.
Spike: Sweetie, wrong meetin'.
Josh: I knew I should've stayed home. (Pauses) How many damn things are they doing?
Buffy: Let's not even mention that fabulous little idea she sprouted in the car. No more bookings. I need a fucking nap!
(Enter Bartlet. The whole room stands)
Bartlet: Evening everybody. Have you made much progress?
Sam: (shakes head in shame) No sir.
Bartlet: (spots Kelly) Oh, I thought of something else. Did you know that composted poultry manure can be used as fertilizer because it reputedly provides both soluble and insoluble nitrogen and is low in organic matter?
Josh: Sir, if you could postpone your geekiness for one moment; we're in the middle of an ATTP Meeting.
Bartlet: (steps inward, gesturing broadly) Yes. I've been meaning to discuss a few issues with the author, come to think of it.
Spike: (snorts) Join the bloody club.
Sam: Please be mindful that you are addressing the office of the President of the United States.
Spike: (gives him two-finger salute) Please be mindful that I am both dead an' a bloody foreigner an' couldn't give two licks 'bout your sodding President.
Bartlet: (frowns and looks at Spike) Don't I know you from somewhere? Some…minor role that I lent my services to?
Zack: (snickering) Maybe this'll jar your memory… (Starts flailing his arms and hopping around, making a general nuisance of himself) 'The aliens are invading Zimbabwe!'
(Spike and Zack glance at each other and burst out laughing)
Josh: (winces) Sorry. You can only deport one of them.
Spike: (waves) Hello! Dead, here!
Zack: (rolls his eyes) Geez, you like to go around bragging on that one, don't you?
Spike: What was that? Sorry. Couldn't hear you over the pot callin' the kettle black.
Zack: Hey! I haven't announced that I'm a vampire once since I got here. Which reminds me… (Leaps onto the table and beats his chest) I am Vampire! Here me roar!
Kelly: Oh dear. (Smiles apologetically before her voice drops with cynicism) No, no, ladies. He's mine.
Bartlet: Yes. I can see why things were not very productive. And if you'll excuse me, Mr…Spike, right? I believe that my casting should come before yours in any regard, seeing as the show in question is rightly mine and not yours.
Donna: Yeah, Spike. You, Zack, Buffy, Kelly…you can all leave now. We'll be to Disco in a few minutes. You've taken over half the meeting, already.
Zack: (defensively) We can be on The West Wing.
Josh: As what?
Dream sequence
(Spike enters Oval Office, dressed in a very nice suit)
Spike: Mornin', Mister President.
Zack: (whirls around in the Big Important Chair and smiles) Hey there, Spike. Whatcha got for me?
Spike: We had to add a meetin' with the Russian Ambassador to your schedule, an' they're speculatin' that 187 will sit for the week.
Zack: (groans) The Russian Ambassador? Where's the Cold War when you need it?
Spike: Well, they attribute Reagan for gettin' us outta that one. Better go talk to the bloke.
Zack: (freezes) Uhhh, Spike?
Spike: Too soon?
Zack: Very. But what else do I have on my schedule?
Spike: Staff's in five. Xander's goin' off the wall again.
Zack: (rolls his eyes) What'd he do now?
Spike: Not a secret plan to fight inflation, I promise.
Zack: Well, as long as it doesn't interfere with the confirmation of Seaborn for the chair. I think Rupert would have a heart attack if anything went wrong this week in that regard.
Spike: When does Ripper not have a heart attack?
(They chuckle)
Zack: All right. Call them in.
(Spike opens the door. Xander, Willow, Giles, and Buffy enter)
Xander: Have I mentioned how fit you both look today? You know, we admire you two above all others. We would die for you in a second.
Spike: (stares at him) What could've possibly gone wrong in five minutes?
Willow: Yes, you guys know that you're the most important men in the world. If not for you, then—
Giles: Someone shoot me. Someone shoot me now.
Zack: Hurry up. The First Lady and I have to play a game of pinochle.
Buffy: Is that code?
Xander: You gotta learn the signs, Buf.
Willow: Really. Really gotta learn the signs. Oh, and we still on for lunch? I know you need me to explain the census, but I need to work a bit on 148.
Spike: (claps hands) Come on, everybody. Remember. Oval Office? President? You work for that bloke. (Points to Zack) An' me. (Grins unashamedly) So, 'f you'll be so kind as to skip to the point so we can go back to runnin' the country, we'd be rightly obliged.
Zack: (nods and gestures to Spike) Meet my bouncer. He's stationed in that room over there. (Points to That Room)
Xander: You know we love you both very dearly and you're the two most important men in the world. So it's not important that we've had a few public relations…
Giles: Catastrophes?
Xander: (amends hastily) Incidents since—
Spike: Five bloody minutes ago?
Big Booming Voice: Uhhh…guys?
Xander: Well, there was some stuff that we thought better if you didn't know up front until…
Willow: They found out about Laurie. (Hangs head in shame)
Spike: (astonished) How?
Xander: (raises hand) It was my fault.
Zack: (jumps to his feet) I'm the Commander In Chief, goddammit!
End Dream Sequence
(Zack is standing on the table with his fist over his heart)
All: Uhhh…Zack?
Spike: (leaping onto the table and mimicking his stance) An' I'm his Chief of Staff!
(Everyone stares blankly)
Josh: (finally cracks up) Spike McGarry?
Zack: (blushes) It was a dream sequence.
Spike: (coughs and jumps down) Yeh. Ummm…what was that all about, Zangy?
Zack: (jumps down and shoves Spike) Don't even! Spike McGarry!
(Josh and Sam keel over in laughter)
(Enter Leo)
Leo: What the hell is going on here?
Donna: Please oh please don't ask for a recap.
Leo: (examines his invitation) I think I'm running late.
Dawn: (shakes her head) No. Yours was just the last invitation sent.
Leo: Mine?
Donna: (meekly) Well, you haven't been a big part of ATTP. Neither has the President, but we naturally would invite the President first.
Leo: Why do I always get left out?
Buffy: (to Kelly) He was the only one left out of Disco.
Leo: (looks down) I know.
Josh: (shudders) Be thankful for that. Take it from someone who wasn't.
Sam: Thankful?
Josh: Left out.
Donna: I think it's just because the writers are uncomfortable with you.
Leo: Uncomfortable? What? I'm a perfectly comfortable guy.
Donna: No…you're a complicated character.
Dawn: (helpfully) You add complications.
Josh: Things get complicated when you're around.
Zack: They're just chicken.
Spike: (snickers) Yeh. They obviously fear Leo more than the Prez. 'F not, they could've had him runnin' around like a great big git screamin' 'bout the aliens from Zimbabwe.
Leo: Hey. I always wanted to see that. Is there any footage?
(All sigh and pull out the Disco script)
Zack: Here! Page 147. Just one of many. Begins with 'What now?'
Spike: (grins) Next one's mine. 'Aliens invadin' Zimbabwe—'
Buffy: 'Oh shut up, Spike.'
Bartlet: Oh dear. I'm beginning to remember this. (Starts reading) 'Oh, don't hush the boy, it's true. We still haven't found out where they're going to house, though.'
Sam: I'll be CJ! 'Mr. President, it really isn't that funny a joke. And honestly, do you think that it is very proper to go about saying absurd comments about other countries?'
Bartlet: 'CJ, in all due respect. I don't give a damn.'
Leo: You said that to CJ?
Bartlet: I'm neglecting to find reason why you would be surprised.
Zack: (continuing with the reading) 'Besides, I kinda think it's funny coming from the President and all.'
(All pause)
Sam: (groans) Fine. I'll be Screech. (voice goes obnoxiously high-pitched) 'You know, I always did think that there was something just a little too strange about those people in Zimbabwe.'
Josh: (picks up and starts reading) 'You mean that you actually believe there are aliens in Zimbabwe? Mr. President, maybe you should stop. I think we forgot how stupid the American people can be sometimes.'
(Everyone pauses)
Bartlet: I'll go get Toby.
(Bartlet exits. Returns in two minutes with a very disgruntled Toby)
Toby: (miffed) What?
Zack: (shoves spare Disco I copy in his direction) Read.
Toby: Why?
Josh: Because it's what we're doing now.
Toby: …why?
Leo: To show me what Disco was like because I missed it.
Toby: Really shouldn't be upset over that one, Leo.
Leo: Just read, dammit.
Toby: (rolls eyes but obliges) 'How could you forget? Was it the idiot boy or the vampires? Maybe the drunken newlyweds, kids on broomsticks, FBI agents sleeping with cannibals or just cannibals in Disney costumes that gave you a clue?'
Josh: (shaking his head with laughter) 'Honestly, it hit me about the time Sam invited the law firm Cage and Fish to go bowling at Stuckeybowl.'
Zack: I'll be Charlie.
Toby: You go get me but not Charlie?
Bartlet: (dismissively) You were closer.
Zack: (reading) 'For me, it was when I agreed to come along.'
Donna: 'For me, it was when she turned down Billy Idol.'
Bartlet: (reads and remembers) Oh dear. 'I believe that Donna has made an excellent point.'
All: 'What?'
Donna: I don't like how they made a joke about me having a point.
Spike: 'S called artistic license, luv. They're gettin' its full use tonight.
Josh: (rolls on his heels with enthusiasm) The rare and valid point
Bartlet: I'm continuing with the reading. 'There was no reason for her to diss Billy Idol. He's a nice looking guy and he was basically trying to be kind. I mean, you really don't see men lining up to try and score a date, do you?'
Toby: 'Mr. President, if I my ask, why in the hell are you talking about Billy Idol and why the hell are we here?' (Toby pauses) Odd how that sentence applies to how I feel right now.
Bartlet: (deadpans) 'Well, because my wife thought bowling would be good for publicity, Sam wanted to go to Stuckeybowl, and aliens are taking over Zimbabwe.'
Spike: (eyes widen) Oh, bollocks. This is when Hannibal Lecter's mushroom buzz kicked in an' he started ice skatin' in that Little Mermaid costume.
Kelly: Guys, guys. I know it's not even my meeting, but can we get back to the point?
Josh: Point! Hah!
Donna: (rolls eyes) Sure.
(All discard their Disco I copies as Toby makes fast exit. Then things grow silent)
Josh: (whispering to Donna) What's the point again?
Donna: (whispering back) I think we covered them all, and you were still whining about being an idiot.
Josh: (whining) Why am I written as such an idiot?
Spike: (rolls eyes) Oh gee, lemme think.
Donna: Okay, so we covered logistics and we covered believability. (Looks skyward) Though I'm doubting it now.
Leo: (To Bartlet) Josh is upset because he hasn't yet figured out that he's the father of Donna's child.
Bartlet: Donna's pregnant? (All look at him) What? I've barely been in the story. Everyone remembers that it's about The West Wing, right?
Josh: It's my story, Mr. President. All due respect.
(Donna stares at Josh)
Josh: (considers and amends) Donna's in it, too.
Donna: Ahem.
Sam: Hello! I'm the one that gets all the sex!
Bartlet: While I'm sure that's very nice for you, I really don't see how it's important. And Donna's pregnant?
Donna: Don't forget that Josh is the father. And there's gonna be a whole huge debacle once everyone finds out.
Bartlet: Josh is the father? How does he not know this?
Josh: And we're back to the WHY AM I AN IDIOT thing.
Sam: From the brilliant deduction of alcohol equals baby, sure.
Leo: (shrugs) We're democrats. Anything's possible.
(All nod)
Josh: I know, I know. I know of the thousand and one times that I've pissed myself drunk and gone to Donna's, only one of them ended in sex, thus only one of them could've led to baby making. I know that. (Pauses and stomps) But why don't I know that?
Donna: Because you were too drunk to remember the sex part. (Quietly to herself) Or to make the sex good.
Spike: Let's not forget that you woke up in your own place, mate. That doesn' exactly shout 'not-so-steamy one-nighter.'
Josh: There was plenty of steam!
(Donna clears her throat)
Dawn: Says the guy who doesn't even remember the sex.
Donna: He got off. He was happy.
Leo: Okay! More than I need to know about Josh… (Turns to Donna) Or you, for that matter.
Donna: (shrugs) If it makes you feel better, you have a bigger part once you find out everything.
Josh: Who? Me?
Leo: No, you idiot. You already have a big part.
Josh: (whining) Why does Leo get to know before me?
Donna: Have you read the script?
Josh: Well, I've been spending all my time pacing in my office, fuming about my idiocy. So…no.
Sam: You've been playing it by ear?
Josh: I read what I need to.
(All stare at him, then simultaneously strike him with their respective scripts)
All: Idiot!
Kelly: (grabs Spike and Zack by the arm) We need to go. We're gonna be late.
Buffy: I'll thank you not to manhandle my husband. (Takes Spike by the arm. Spike sticks his tongue out at Kelly)
Kelly: (rolls her eyes and grabs Buffy by the arm) Come on, we're going to be late.
(Enter Zack Wright)
Wright: What've I missed?
Kelly: Wrong meeting.
Wright: (frowns and glances to his card) This isn't Disco? Or the Room For Speculative Sequels?
All: No!
Donna: (helpfully) Down the hall and to the left.
Wright: (nods) Thanks, babe. (To Spike) Yah comin'?
Spike: On the way. Zangy number two an' I have some unfinished business.
Kelly: But—
Buffy: They have actual invitations, Kel. Let's go get the meeting room set up.
(Wright, Kelly, and Buffy exit)
Bartlet: (after a minute) I think I'll mosey on down and see how that goes.
Leo, Sam, Josh, and Donna: Yes, Mr. President.
(Bartlet exits)
Spike: So, when are we gettin' invited back? Zangy an' I need to check up on the Bit.
Dawn: No, you really don't. You're just looking for an excuse to harass Sam.
Spike and Zack: (glance to each other) Well…yeah.
Donna: Am I the only one who's read the script? If the readers seem to like you, you get to come back toward the end.
Zack: (to Spike) We need to start a campaign.
Leo: A what?
Spike: Yeh. 'Save Spike an' Zangy' campaign. The readers shouldn't be cheated our wacky antics. We have real on-screen charisma.
Donna: Are we back to logistics?
Dawn: And—hello—no one out there has ever read any of the Disco Chronicles.
Spike: Well, why not?
Josh: Because it's embarrassing, you moron.
Sam: I don't think the authors have even published it.
Leo: I think I'm gonna head down to the Disco Room. See if I can sweet-talk the writers into giving me some airtime. Or page space. Or…whatever you call it.
(Leo exits)
Spike: (To Zack) We better get goin', too. Wouldn't want our ladies in one of their moods.
Zack: Yeah. I'd like to get laid tonight. And I'm sure we can find a broom-closet for you and Buffy.
Spike: (smirks) Thanks ever so.
Zack: And I think there's Chinese food.
(Spike and Zack take off for The Disco Room)
Sam: (tries to follow. Dawn holds him by the arm. He pouts) Chinese food!
Dawn: That's our next stop.
Sam: They'll eat it all.
Dawn: Well, tough cookies. We're not done here.
Donna: We are the four major characters. We need to discuss things.
Josh: Things have been discussed. I say we go for Chinese.
Dawn: And we all know how well that went the last time.
Donna: (deadpan) No tequila.
Sam: Let's go. Everything's been discussed. It's unanimous. And I want Chinese!
Dawn: (looks at Josh and Donna and sighs) Okay. Let's go.
(Sam and Dawn exit)
Donna: (reaches into back-pocket and pulls out The List) All right. We're crossing off William, Zachary, Samuel, Elizabeth, Kelly, Dawn, and Leopold.
Josh: Why Leopold?
Donna: Because that's a gross name.
Josh: It's the name of the second most powerful person in the country! And my father figure.
Donna: Josh, I hardly think that the baby will mind that we don't name him or her after someone who used to be Chief of Staff when he or she is old enough to recognize which one's Leo.
Josh: Point taken. (Considers) Tobias?
(They look at each other)
Together: Nah.
To be continued in…THE DISCO MEETING ROOM!