Chapter 16: August. 13, 2000, 3AM, Exam 2 (John Carter's Point of View):
I have to act normal. Just examine my patients and go on with the day. Doug is going to do something; I can feel it. The question now is, what is he going to do? I need to figure this out and think ahead of him. He could call the cops, but I doubt that he would do that. He is probably going to tell someone here at the hospital, but whom is he going to tell first? Would it be better to stop using the extra medicine and not risk another mistake or should I keep using it since it helps me feel better? Either way a drug test would come up positive, and they would expect that because I should be taking medicine. I'll keep taking it. If I look like I am in pain it would be worse.
I finish up examining Mr. Kline and order the tests and meds needed. As I am about to leave the room, Mark comes in and says, "Dr. Carter may I speak with you for a few minutes?"
So he told Mark. I reply, "I'm sorry Dr. Greene, but I am currently evaluating a patient."
The patient had to open his big mouth and said, "But I thought you were done?"
Mark sighed and said, "Come on John. It's important."
So I follow him. He takes me outside, which is fine with me because now I can smoke. I light a cigarette and ask, "What's up?"
"We're friends, right John?"
"Yeah, sure." I wish I could tell what he is thinking so I can plan my answers.
"So if you need help with something, you'd come to me, right?"
"Yeah, if I need help with something."
Mark sighs and sits down on a bench. I follow. He continues by saying, "Maybe you don't realize this John or maybe you are just too stubborn, but you need help."
Now is when I should turn the conversation around, so to avoid all this drug talk I say, "I know you guys all think that I am going through depression, but I am getting better, I swear. I am seeing someone," which was true. I started seeing a shrink today just so the staff wouldn't worry. "And I am on anti-depressants. That's why my moods have been all over the place. Yeah, I noticed just like you that I have been really moody. But it is just me getting used to taking the medicine and the medicine getting used to me. Now, I have patients to see and so do you. But thanks for your concern." I stand up and start to walk away. Mark grabs my shoulder, but I just shrug it off as if I didn't feel it. He runs in front of me and blocks me from the door.
"You know, Carter, you are pretty good at avoiding problems. But you know damn well that depression wasn't what I was talking about. Doug told me about the morphine and the pills and everything that you fill your body with to get high and come to work. You have a drug problem. Don't try and deny it anymore. I know that spiders haven't been biting your wrist. I was stupid to believe it. Kerry knows all about this too. We are willing to help you get cleaned up if you let us. We aren't going to force you, but I really hope that you take this option. It is your only choice if you want to stay here at County."
"Are you firing me?!" I am angry now. I can feel my temperature rising. How dare they accuse me all of this and then threaten to fire me.
"If you don't go to rehab, yes, you will be fired."
"I do not have to put up with this abuse! Any number of hospitals would hire me! I am a good doctor!" I am screaming at the top of my lungs now and people are starting to look at us.
"I never said you aren't. But we can't let you practice at any hospital while you are on drugs." Mark is still whispering. I think he is afraid to cause a scene.
"You know, you embarrassed me pretty badly when you threw me onto the gurney. Not to mention that being tossed on there really hurt my back. But this really takes the cake. Do you think I would get addicted to drugs after what happened to Chase? I helped detox him, and now you think I would put myself through all of that?" I grit my teeth and continue, "I can't believe you." I turn and start walking away.
As I light another cigarette, I hear Mark behind me shouting, "That was your only chance Carter!"
"Good! I quit!" I shout back, over my shoulder. I walk across the street and go into Dr. Magoo's Diner. Sitting in a booth I order a cup of coffee and continue to smoke my cigarettes. I have a feeling I will be up to two packs a day again pretty soon. I must have been staring off into space because I suddenly hear someone talking to me. It is Kerry. Just great.
I ask, "What was that?"
"I asked if you mind if I sit here."
"No, not at all," I reply.
She slides herself onto the bench across from me and remarks, "How are you feeling today, John?"
"I've had better days but I've had worse." I take a drag of my cigarette. Kerry was who found me after I was stabbed on Valentine's Day. She knows about my bad days.
Kerry asks me, "When did you start smoking?"
"Please tell me you aren't going to lecture me. Mark has given me enough lectures to last a lifetime."
"No, no. I won't lecture you. I just don't remember you smoking while you lived with me and I never pictured you as a smoker."
"I smoked in college and a little in med school. But I guess I started up again four months ago maybe. Maybe it's been a little longer."
No one speaks for a few minutes. Kerry hesitates but finally says, "We both know that you have been having a rough few months, but you should really reconsider the offer we are making for you. You will be in rehab for a while, but once you are done there, we will be glad to have you back County."
"I don't work at County anymore. I quit." I extinguish my cigarette and light a fresh one. When I am nervous I smoke a lot more than normal. Not even acknowledging what she is saying, I ask, "How many people has Doug been talking to about this?"
"He just told Mark and me. And we told him not to tell anyone else without all of us present. I really hope you change your mind about leaving County. But if you don't we will still help you-."
"I don't need any fucking help!" I shout this much louder than I wanted to. I can feel tears start to well up in my eyes and one slides down my cheek. I can't talk to her anymore without bursting into tears. Why are they all ambushing me like this? God, my back is throbbing again. I take out a bottle, careful to make sure that it is one of mine, and take the last pill. I put the bottle down on the table with the label facing Kerry and say, "You see, I am taking prescribed medication. Nothing to worry about." I put out the cigarette and stand up. "Now I am sorry to tell you this, but I am leaving County unless this whole issue is dropped. So I hope you have a nice life."
"At least tell me how long you have been injecting drugs." Her eyes are desperate and I can't lie to her anymore.
I hesitate before I respond, "Since April."
"April?" she asks, but I am already rushing out of the restaurant and can barely hear Kerry shouting at me to come back. I can't believe I told her. There's no turning back now.
I have to act normal. Just examine my patients and go on with the day. Doug is going to do something; I can feel it. The question now is, what is he going to do? I need to figure this out and think ahead of him. He could call the cops, but I doubt that he would do that. He is probably going to tell someone here at the hospital, but whom is he going to tell first? Would it be better to stop using the extra medicine and not risk another mistake or should I keep using it since it helps me feel better? Either way a drug test would come up positive, and they would expect that because I should be taking medicine. I'll keep taking it. If I look like I am in pain it would be worse.
I finish up examining Mr. Kline and order the tests and meds needed. As I am about to leave the room, Mark comes in and says, "Dr. Carter may I speak with you for a few minutes?"
So he told Mark. I reply, "I'm sorry Dr. Greene, but I am currently evaluating a patient."
The patient had to open his big mouth and said, "But I thought you were done?"
Mark sighed and said, "Come on John. It's important."
So I follow him. He takes me outside, which is fine with me because now I can smoke. I light a cigarette and ask, "What's up?"
"We're friends, right John?"
"Yeah, sure." I wish I could tell what he is thinking so I can plan my answers.
"So if you need help with something, you'd come to me, right?"
"Yeah, if I need help with something."
Mark sighs and sits down on a bench. I follow. He continues by saying, "Maybe you don't realize this John or maybe you are just too stubborn, but you need help."
Now is when I should turn the conversation around, so to avoid all this drug talk I say, "I know you guys all think that I am going through depression, but I am getting better, I swear. I am seeing someone," which was true. I started seeing a shrink today just so the staff wouldn't worry. "And I am on anti-depressants. That's why my moods have been all over the place. Yeah, I noticed just like you that I have been really moody. But it is just me getting used to taking the medicine and the medicine getting used to me. Now, I have patients to see and so do you. But thanks for your concern." I stand up and start to walk away. Mark grabs my shoulder, but I just shrug it off as if I didn't feel it. He runs in front of me and blocks me from the door.
"You know, Carter, you are pretty good at avoiding problems. But you know damn well that depression wasn't what I was talking about. Doug told me about the morphine and the pills and everything that you fill your body with to get high and come to work. You have a drug problem. Don't try and deny it anymore. I know that spiders haven't been biting your wrist. I was stupid to believe it. Kerry knows all about this too. We are willing to help you get cleaned up if you let us. We aren't going to force you, but I really hope that you take this option. It is your only choice if you want to stay here at County."
"Are you firing me?!" I am angry now. I can feel my temperature rising. How dare they accuse me all of this and then threaten to fire me.
"If you don't go to rehab, yes, you will be fired."
"I do not have to put up with this abuse! Any number of hospitals would hire me! I am a good doctor!" I am screaming at the top of my lungs now and people are starting to look at us.
"I never said you aren't. But we can't let you practice at any hospital while you are on drugs." Mark is still whispering. I think he is afraid to cause a scene.
"You know, you embarrassed me pretty badly when you threw me onto the gurney. Not to mention that being tossed on there really hurt my back. But this really takes the cake. Do you think I would get addicted to drugs after what happened to Chase? I helped detox him, and now you think I would put myself through all of that?" I grit my teeth and continue, "I can't believe you." I turn and start walking away.
As I light another cigarette, I hear Mark behind me shouting, "That was your only chance Carter!"
"Good! I quit!" I shout back, over my shoulder. I walk across the street and go into Dr. Magoo's Diner. Sitting in a booth I order a cup of coffee and continue to smoke my cigarettes. I have a feeling I will be up to two packs a day again pretty soon. I must have been staring off into space because I suddenly hear someone talking to me. It is Kerry. Just great.
I ask, "What was that?"
"I asked if you mind if I sit here."
"No, not at all," I reply.
She slides herself onto the bench across from me and remarks, "How are you feeling today, John?"
"I've had better days but I've had worse." I take a drag of my cigarette. Kerry was who found me after I was stabbed on Valentine's Day. She knows about my bad days.
Kerry asks me, "When did you start smoking?"
"Please tell me you aren't going to lecture me. Mark has given me enough lectures to last a lifetime."
"No, no. I won't lecture you. I just don't remember you smoking while you lived with me and I never pictured you as a smoker."
"I smoked in college and a little in med school. But I guess I started up again four months ago maybe. Maybe it's been a little longer."
No one speaks for a few minutes. Kerry hesitates but finally says, "We both know that you have been having a rough few months, but you should really reconsider the offer we are making for you. You will be in rehab for a while, but once you are done there, we will be glad to have you back County."
"I don't work at County anymore. I quit." I extinguish my cigarette and light a fresh one. When I am nervous I smoke a lot more than normal. Not even acknowledging what she is saying, I ask, "How many people has Doug been talking to about this?"
"He just told Mark and me. And we told him not to tell anyone else without all of us present. I really hope you change your mind about leaving County. But if you don't we will still help you-."
"I don't need any fucking help!" I shout this much louder than I wanted to. I can feel tears start to well up in my eyes and one slides down my cheek. I can't talk to her anymore without bursting into tears. Why are they all ambushing me like this? God, my back is throbbing again. I take out a bottle, careful to make sure that it is one of mine, and take the last pill. I put the bottle down on the table with the label facing Kerry and say, "You see, I am taking prescribed medication. Nothing to worry about." I put out the cigarette and stand up. "Now I am sorry to tell you this, but I am leaving County unless this whole issue is dropped. So I hope you have a nice life."
"At least tell me how long you have been injecting drugs." Her eyes are desperate and I can't lie to her anymore.
I hesitate before I respond, "Since April."
"April?" she asks, but I am already rushing out of the restaurant and can barely hear Kerry shouting at me to come back. I can't believe I told her. There's no turning back now.