Chapter 23: August. 31, 2000, 5PM, Hospital Room (John Carter's Point of
View):
** Well, I have bad news everyone. This will be the last chapter I put up for a while. I am starting school and work this week so I won't have much time to write new stuff. I will aim for next Sunday, but no promises. You are all going to hate me at how I leave this chapter, but, ha ha, sucks to be you. So here is it. Have fun. It's a long chapter. **
My head is throbbing. My body aches. At first I think that I have been in a fight. When I open my eyes, I see that I am in a hospital room, laying flat on a gurney. I try to sit up but restraints on my wrists and ankles detain me from this. It all comes back to me: the drugs, the fight with Gamma, and then in the locked room when I.
I hear a woman's voice and I am startled. She says, "Hello again, John." I must have flinched because she continues, "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to startle you."
"You didn't," I lie. I try to raise my head to see whom I am speaking to, but I am unsuccessful. "Where am I?" I ask.
The woman steps forward and I see that it is Dr. Montgomery, the same doctor that I was sent to before. Well, that answers my question and I say, "I'm in the psych ward again," in an annoyed, dull voice. "Why am I here?"
"Do you remember what happened to you today, John?"
"Yes, unfortunately, I remember all of it. Can you take these restraints off?"
"No, I can't do that."
"I don't belong here."
"John. I'm not going to play games with you. How long have you been using drugs?"
I sigh. Why can't these people leave me alone? "They have been prescribed to me since I was attacked."
"Ok," she seems frustrated about something, "Let me rephrase the question; how long have you been misusing your medication?"
"I wasn't misusing them. I only took what I needed."
"John, you said you remembered what happened today." I can barely see that she has my chart in her hands.
"Yes."
"You overdosed today. And I was informed that you overdosed before as well. This wasn't the first time, was it?"
"It wasn't supposed to happen like that before," I reply, "I just needed my back to stop hurting." I feel like a little kid whining to a teacher.
"What about today?" she asks, "Was the morphine from today meant to help your back? And what happened to your wrists?"
I close my eyes. I can't look Dr. Montgomery in her eyes as I say, "Accidents, they were both accidents." I am lying of course, and I know that she knows this. I just can't bear to speak the truth. But I do hear her sigh.
She continues, "Trust is very important to me, John. Hell, I think it's important for every relationship. But right now I don't feel like I can trust you."
Her statement shocks me slightly. I slowly open my eyes and look at her as I say, "You can always trust me."
She shakes her head and responds, "I can only trust you if you stop lying to me." I must have had a puzzled look on my face because she continues, "When I first met you, you told me that you weren't suicidal."
"Because I wasn't," I quickly retort.
"But you are now?" I don't answer but she continues, "Also when we first met you told me that if you needed to talk, you would come to me. Because of the state you came in today, I felt that you hadn't gotten help from anyone. John, people are meant to help each other. Why didn't you talk to anyone?"
I don't know how to answer her question so I don't say a word. I just lie on my gurney with my wrists and ankles bound like a prisoner.
"John?" she asks, but I still keep my silence. She continues, "Dr. Carter, you know that you don't have to answer my questions, but your silence won't get you out of here any faster."
I close my eyes and hear the doctor sigh. As she starts to walk away, I decide that I have to tell her - someone - the truth. "I was scared," I say. "I was scared and I still am scared." My voice is weak and shaking. I don't want to cry in front of Dr. Montgomery, but I feel the hot tears on my face. I don't know if I am more upset about breaking down in front of this woman or that my hands are tied, preventing my from wiping the tears away.
Dr. Montgomery sits down next to the bed and asks, "Why are you scared? What are you scared of? Dying?"
"No, I want to die," damn I didn't want to say that. Now I have to fix it. "I never have been afraid of death since my brother died. Everyone I have gotten close to has died."
"Then what are you afraid of, John?"
I must have taken too long to organize my thoughts because the doctor adds, "John, I want to help you, but I can't do anything unless you talk to me-"
"Failing," I finally croak out. "My entire life I have been a failure."
"Don't you think you are being too hard on yourself? Nobody thinks you have failed.
"I failed my family. I was supposed to be heir to the business, not a doctor. Now I can't be either because of today. And I failed my coworkers. And Lucy." No I don't want to go into that.
"You didn't fail your coworkers. You can't keep blaming yourself for Lucy's death. Eventually you will understand that there was nothing anyone could do. And as for your family, would you have been happy as the head of the business?"
I want to tell her that that's not the point. But I can't. I know I wouldn't have been happy working for the foundation.
She continues, "I want you to think about this topic of failure, and we can come back to it later." She pauses, "Do you regret trying to end your life today?"
I don't want to talk about this right now, or honestly, ever, so I respond, "I told you that was an accident." I look away from Dr. Montgomery as I say this, not able to look her in the face.
"Dr. Carter, John." she clears her throat and continues, "I think we both know that it wasn't an accident.
I was waiting for her to say that. Now maybe if I play my cards tight, I can get out of here quicker. I squeeze my eyes as tightly as possible and gently shake my head. I feel tears again, but this time they are forced. I barely make out a whisper, "I can't."
I feel Dr. Montgomery's hand gently touch my arm and her soothing voice says, "It's okay, John. You can tell me."
I take a deep breath and sigh, "Yes, I regret doing it," damn I should have been an actor. "I regret taking the pills. I regret taking the morphine. I regret slitting my wrists. But most of all I regret shouting at Gamma and shouting at-" I stop.
I see Dr. Montgomery scrunch her brow as she says, "John, what is it?"
I finish my thought and mumble to myself, "Dr. Benton." I must have been staring into space because Dr. Montgomery asks, "John, are you okay?"
I snap out of it and respond, "Yeah. I.just realized that my actions will affect a lot of people."
"Yeah they will. But you have to remember that every action, good or bad, big or small, affects everyone we love."
"Right," I say. I didn't even really hear her. I am too busy worrying about something else. Finally I ask her, "Dr. Montgomery, is it okay for me to have visitors?"
"I suppose you can have a couple, but only one at a time. Your grandmother has been waiting to talk to you. She said that your parents couldn't make it-"
"Of course not," I sarcastically mutter.
"But your grandmother said they will be home to visit you by next week-"
"Just like last time."
"What do you mean?"
"Last time.after I was stabbed, they didn't come home until after I was out of the hospital."
Silence. So I continue, "I'm going to be out of the hospital by then, right?" I can hear the desperation in my own voice.
"John, you must be exhausted. Maybe you should get some sleep-"
"No!" I shout much louder than I wanted to, "Please doctor, answer my question."
"Well, I'm not sure what's going to happen. But if you are out of County, you will be sent to a facility-"
"Whoa! Whoa! What do you mean?"
"We can't just let you out after this. This is a serious ordeal. You are a danger to yourself-"
I can feel my heartbeat speed up as I start to panic. "But I'm not! I told you it was a mistake-"
"I'm sorry, John. Don't get upset right now. We can discuss this later." She pauses and I don't know how to respond. Finally she continues, "You need to calm down or I can't let you have visitors. Would you like to see your grandmother now?"
The last thing I need is Gamma yelling at me. I have someone else in mind anyway. "Um.do you know if Dr. Benton is available?"
"Actually he's been waiting outside."
I'm confused, "For how long?"
"Since I came in before you woke up. He's been with you since he brought you in."
I feel so guilty to have taken up so much of Dr. Benton's life. I swallow and respond, "Can I talk to him alone?"
"Sure," Dr. Montgomery leaves the room and a few seconds later I hear the door open again. I can't tell if anyone is in the room because of the damn restraints. I unsuccessfully try to lift my head as I say, "Dr. Benton, are you there?"
"Yeah, Carter, I'm here." He steps forward and I can finally see him. Something everyone knows about Dr. Benton is that he only shows two emotions: frustration and anger. No, that's not true. I know differently. When I woke up after I was stabbed.when he told me that Lucy had died, he was a flood of emotions. Others may not have noticed, but I could see it in his eyes; the concern, the sympathy, the happiness that I was okay, and the rage that we had been hurt. Now I see the same flood of emotions on his face. But now his eyes are laced with disappointment. I have disappointed Dr. Benton, my mentor, and I feel myself crumbling under his stare.
I don't know how to start the conversation so I ask, "Um, Dr. Benton, can you take these restraints off, please?"
"I don't know if I can do that, Carter."
"It's not like I am going to try to escape. And even if I did try, you'd tackle me in an instant. I try my hardest to give him innocent puppy dog eyes.
He sighs and says, "Fine." He walks around the bed unbuckling the restraints. I sit up at the head of the hospital bed. Ah, how good it feels to be free again. Ok, so I'm not free, but I'm one step closer. I can tell that Dr. Benton is getting ready to lecture me so before he can speak I say, "I don't belong here."
I must have caught him off guard because he gives me a strange look and only responds, "What?"
I continue, "People like me don't belong here. Paul Sobriki belongs here, but not me. Dr. Benton, I want you to know that I'm not crazy."
Dr. Benton puts on a crooked smile and says, "Carter, man, I know you are not. Nobody said you're crazy."
"But I can tell you're all thinking it."
"Carter-" He shifts his weight uncomfortably.
"Hear me out for a minute. I'll admit that I made a mistake at my house," a lie, "and I'm sorry that you and Gamma had to go through all that," that's close enough to the truth, "I'll even admit that I went too far with my pain medication. But I understand the mistakes I made and that what I did was wrong. I don't know what my future holds from here on, but I want to get better. Help me, please."
Benton just straightens up on the bedside chair and sighs. Finally he says, "No."
I am stunned and stutter out, "Wh-What?"
"Everything you have just said was lies. Except about the drugs. And that was more than 'too far.' But all you want is to get out. You have no intention of getting better. Hell, if we let you out, you'll probably just do it all over again." He glances around the room for a few seconds then snaps at me, "What the fuck happened to you, Carter?!" I jump when he said that, but I continue staring him straight in his eyes while he continues, "I remember when you were a timid, clumsy, little med-student. And now look at you."
"Things change."
"Did they have to change like this? I don't want to be angry at you, but I don't know how else I should feel."
I have been trying to make eye contact so far, but now I have to look away. My heart aches as Dr. Benton opens up to me. I have been lectured a lot recently, and I heard all of this shit they were telling me, but this is the first time that I have bothered myself to listen.
I am sitting on the bed with my knees up to my chin and my arms around my legs. I feel like a little kid again. But this time I take in every word that is being said to me.
".You have spent so much time and energy to get to where you are and now what? I can't even think straight anymore, Carter. I have been here for you for over two days-"
Now it is my turn to snap, "Nobody ever asked you to do that!"
"If I don't do it then who will?"
"Nobody ever asked you to be my fucking hero! No one asked you to save me. You're right, as soon as I can, I will just shoot up and kill myself!" And time suddenly stands still. I can't believe those words passed through my lips. I know I had said things like that before, but now I feel the impact in my chest; the same impact that I imagine Dr. Benton felt at my house. My life is over, or at least the life that I once knew.
"John," my name sends shivers down my spine as he says it. "I don't think I can help you anymore. If you want to die, I won't be there to stop you next time." I can feel tears running down my face as he continues, "I want you to survive this. But what I want more than anything is to go back in time and be there to prevent any of this from happening."
We sit in silence as I sort things out in my head. What gave me this harsh realization all of a sudden? I have ruined my life. I am no better than some of the patients I see in the ER. I am a drug addict. I am suicidal. Inside I am already dead.
** So what do ya'll think? Reviews are very welcome. More will come, just give me a while **
** Well, I have bad news everyone. This will be the last chapter I put up for a while. I am starting school and work this week so I won't have much time to write new stuff. I will aim for next Sunday, but no promises. You are all going to hate me at how I leave this chapter, but, ha ha, sucks to be you. So here is it. Have fun. It's a long chapter. **
My head is throbbing. My body aches. At first I think that I have been in a fight. When I open my eyes, I see that I am in a hospital room, laying flat on a gurney. I try to sit up but restraints on my wrists and ankles detain me from this. It all comes back to me: the drugs, the fight with Gamma, and then in the locked room when I.
I hear a woman's voice and I am startled. She says, "Hello again, John." I must have flinched because she continues, "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to startle you."
"You didn't," I lie. I try to raise my head to see whom I am speaking to, but I am unsuccessful. "Where am I?" I ask.
The woman steps forward and I see that it is Dr. Montgomery, the same doctor that I was sent to before. Well, that answers my question and I say, "I'm in the psych ward again," in an annoyed, dull voice. "Why am I here?"
"Do you remember what happened to you today, John?"
"Yes, unfortunately, I remember all of it. Can you take these restraints off?"
"No, I can't do that."
"I don't belong here."
"John. I'm not going to play games with you. How long have you been using drugs?"
I sigh. Why can't these people leave me alone? "They have been prescribed to me since I was attacked."
"Ok," she seems frustrated about something, "Let me rephrase the question; how long have you been misusing your medication?"
"I wasn't misusing them. I only took what I needed."
"John, you said you remembered what happened today." I can barely see that she has my chart in her hands.
"Yes."
"You overdosed today. And I was informed that you overdosed before as well. This wasn't the first time, was it?"
"It wasn't supposed to happen like that before," I reply, "I just needed my back to stop hurting." I feel like a little kid whining to a teacher.
"What about today?" she asks, "Was the morphine from today meant to help your back? And what happened to your wrists?"
I close my eyes. I can't look Dr. Montgomery in her eyes as I say, "Accidents, they were both accidents." I am lying of course, and I know that she knows this. I just can't bear to speak the truth. But I do hear her sigh.
She continues, "Trust is very important to me, John. Hell, I think it's important for every relationship. But right now I don't feel like I can trust you."
Her statement shocks me slightly. I slowly open my eyes and look at her as I say, "You can always trust me."
She shakes her head and responds, "I can only trust you if you stop lying to me." I must have had a puzzled look on my face because she continues, "When I first met you, you told me that you weren't suicidal."
"Because I wasn't," I quickly retort.
"But you are now?" I don't answer but she continues, "Also when we first met you told me that if you needed to talk, you would come to me. Because of the state you came in today, I felt that you hadn't gotten help from anyone. John, people are meant to help each other. Why didn't you talk to anyone?"
I don't know how to answer her question so I don't say a word. I just lie on my gurney with my wrists and ankles bound like a prisoner.
"John?" she asks, but I still keep my silence. She continues, "Dr. Carter, you know that you don't have to answer my questions, but your silence won't get you out of here any faster."
I close my eyes and hear the doctor sigh. As she starts to walk away, I decide that I have to tell her - someone - the truth. "I was scared," I say. "I was scared and I still am scared." My voice is weak and shaking. I don't want to cry in front of Dr. Montgomery, but I feel the hot tears on my face. I don't know if I am more upset about breaking down in front of this woman or that my hands are tied, preventing my from wiping the tears away.
Dr. Montgomery sits down next to the bed and asks, "Why are you scared? What are you scared of? Dying?"
"No, I want to die," damn I didn't want to say that. Now I have to fix it. "I never have been afraid of death since my brother died. Everyone I have gotten close to has died."
"Then what are you afraid of, John?"
I must have taken too long to organize my thoughts because the doctor adds, "John, I want to help you, but I can't do anything unless you talk to me-"
"Failing," I finally croak out. "My entire life I have been a failure."
"Don't you think you are being too hard on yourself? Nobody thinks you have failed.
"I failed my family. I was supposed to be heir to the business, not a doctor. Now I can't be either because of today. And I failed my coworkers. And Lucy." No I don't want to go into that.
"You didn't fail your coworkers. You can't keep blaming yourself for Lucy's death. Eventually you will understand that there was nothing anyone could do. And as for your family, would you have been happy as the head of the business?"
I want to tell her that that's not the point. But I can't. I know I wouldn't have been happy working for the foundation.
She continues, "I want you to think about this topic of failure, and we can come back to it later." She pauses, "Do you regret trying to end your life today?"
I don't want to talk about this right now, or honestly, ever, so I respond, "I told you that was an accident." I look away from Dr. Montgomery as I say this, not able to look her in the face.
"Dr. Carter, John." she clears her throat and continues, "I think we both know that it wasn't an accident.
I was waiting for her to say that. Now maybe if I play my cards tight, I can get out of here quicker. I squeeze my eyes as tightly as possible and gently shake my head. I feel tears again, but this time they are forced. I barely make out a whisper, "I can't."
I feel Dr. Montgomery's hand gently touch my arm and her soothing voice says, "It's okay, John. You can tell me."
I take a deep breath and sigh, "Yes, I regret doing it," damn I should have been an actor. "I regret taking the pills. I regret taking the morphine. I regret slitting my wrists. But most of all I regret shouting at Gamma and shouting at-" I stop.
I see Dr. Montgomery scrunch her brow as she says, "John, what is it?"
I finish my thought and mumble to myself, "Dr. Benton." I must have been staring into space because Dr. Montgomery asks, "John, are you okay?"
I snap out of it and respond, "Yeah. I.just realized that my actions will affect a lot of people."
"Yeah they will. But you have to remember that every action, good or bad, big or small, affects everyone we love."
"Right," I say. I didn't even really hear her. I am too busy worrying about something else. Finally I ask her, "Dr. Montgomery, is it okay for me to have visitors?"
"I suppose you can have a couple, but only one at a time. Your grandmother has been waiting to talk to you. She said that your parents couldn't make it-"
"Of course not," I sarcastically mutter.
"But your grandmother said they will be home to visit you by next week-"
"Just like last time."
"What do you mean?"
"Last time.after I was stabbed, they didn't come home until after I was out of the hospital."
Silence. So I continue, "I'm going to be out of the hospital by then, right?" I can hear the desperation in my own voice.
"John, you must be exhausted. Maybe you should get some sleep-"
"No!" I shout much louder than I wanted to, "Please doctor, answer my question."
"Well, I'm not sure what's going to happen. But if you are out of County, you will be sent to a facility-"
"Whoa! Whoa! What do you mean?"
"We can't just let you out after this. This is a serious ordeal. You are a danger to yourself-"
I can feel my heartbeat speed up as I start to panic. "But I'm not! I told you it was a mistake-"
"I'm sorry, John. Don't get upset right now. We can discuss this later." She pauses and I don't know how to respond. Finally she continues, "You need to calm down or I can't let you have visitors. Would you like to see your grandmother now?"
The last thing I need is Gamma yelling at me. I have someone else in mind anyway. "Um.do you know if Dr. Benton is available?"
"Actually he's been waiting outside."
I'm confused, "For how long?"
"Since I came in before you woke up. He's been with you since he brought you in."
I feel so guilty to have taken up so much of Dr. Benton's life. I swallow and respond, "Can I talk to him alone?"
"Sure," Dr. Montgomery leaves the room and a few seconds later I hear the door open again. I can't tell if anyone is in the room because of the damn restraints. I unsuccessfully try to lift my head as I say, "Dr. Benton, are you there?"
"Yeah, Carter, I'm here." He steps forward and I can finally see him. Something everyone knows about Dr. Benton is that he only shows two emotions: frustration and anger. No, that's not true. I know differently. When I woke up after I was stabbed.when he told me that Lucy had died, he was a flood of emotions. Others may not have noticed, but I could see it in his eyes; the concern, the sympathy, the happiness that I was okay, and the rage that we had been hurt. Now I see the same flood of emotions on his face. But now his eyes are laced with disappointment. I have disappointed Dr. Benton, my mentor, and I feel myself crumbling under his stare.
I don't know how to start the conversation so I ask, "Um, Dr. Benton, can you take these restraints off, please?"
"I don't know if I can do that, Carter."
"It's not like I am going to try to escape. And even if I did try, you'd tackle me in an instant. I try my hardest to give him innocent puppy dog eyes.
He sighs and says, "Fine." He walks around the bed unbuckling the restraints. I sit up at the head of the hospital bed. Ah, how good it feels to be free again. Ok, so I'm not free, but I'm one step closer. I can tell that Dr. Benton is getting ready to lecture me so before he can speak I say, "I don't belong here."
I must have caught him off guard because he gives me a strange look and only responds, "What?"
I continue, "People like me don't belong here. Paul Sobriki belongs here, but not me. Dr. Benton, I want you to know that I'm not crazy."
Dr. Benton puts on a crooked smile and says, "Carter, man, I know you are not. Nobody said you're crazy."
"But I can tell you're all thinking it."
"Carter-" He shifts his weight uncomfortably.
"Hear me out for a minute. I'll admit that I made a mistake at my house," a lie, "and I'm sorry that you and Gamma had to go through all that," that's close enough to the truth, "I'll even admit that I went too far with my pain medication. But I understand the mistakes I made and that what I did was wrong. I don't know what my future holds from here on, but I want to get better. Help me, please."
Benton just straightens up on the bedside chair and sighs. Finally he says, "No."
I am stunned and stutter out, "Wh-What?"
"Everything you have just said was lies. Except about the drugs. And that was more than 'too far.' But all you want is to get out. You have no intention of getting better. Hell, if we let you out, you'll probably just do it all over again." He glances around the room for a few seconds then snaps at me, "What the fuck happened to you, Carter?!" I jump when he said that, but I continue staring him straight in his eyes while he continues, "I remember when you were a timid, clumsy, little med-student. And now look at you."
"Things change."
"Did they have to change like this? I don't want to be angry at you, but I don't know how else I should feel."
I have been trying to make eye contact so far, but now I have to look away. My heart aches as Dr. Benton opens up to me. I have been lectured a lot recently, and I heard all of this shit they were telling me, but this is the first time that I have bothered myself to listen.
I am sitting on the bed with my knees up to my chin and my arms around my legs. I feel like a little kid again. But this time I take in every word that is being said to me.
".You have spent so much time and energy to get to where you are and now what? I can't even think straight anymore, Carter. I have been here for you for over two days-"
Now it is my turn to snap, "Nobody ever asked you to do that!"
"If I don't do it then who will?"
"Nobody ever asked you to be my fucking hero! No one asked you to save me. You're right, as soon as I can, I will just shoot up and kill myself!" And time suddenly stands still. I can't believe those words passed through my lips. I know I had said things like that before, but now I feel the impact in my chest; the same impact that I imagine Dr. Benton felt at my house. My life is over, or at least the life that I once knew.
"John," my name sends shivers down my spine as he says it. "I don't think I can help you anymore. If you want to die, I won't be there to stop you next time." I can feel tears running down my face as he continues, "I want you to survive this. But what I want more than anything is to go back in time and be there to prevent any of this from happening."
We sit in silence as I sort things out in my head. What gave me this harsh realization all of a sudden? I have ruined my life. I am no better than some of the patients I see in the ER. I am a drug addict. I am suicidal. Inside I am already dead.
** So what do ya'll think? Reviews are very welcome. More will come, just give me a while **