Title: Mental Disturbances
Author's Name: DreamEater (Silent Tears of Agony & Night Imp)
Rating: PG
Genre: Comedy, Parody, One-shot
Disclaimer: Don't own, blah blah blah
Plot?! What plot? This fic is just an attempt to get my cousin and me into a story. Thank you, Coconut, for thinking of the title.
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Kenshin tensed as he neared the dojo gate. 'Can't these people leave me in peace? Why do they insist on hurting my family to get revenge on me?'
He was shocked when he opened the gate to see, not a revenge-crazed man, wielding a sword, but two strange-looking women, mock-fighting. 'Now they're sending gaijin women to do their dirty work? How desperate can these losers get?' Suddenly, the two women stopped fighting and ran over to him. Kenshin's eyes widened when he realized how big they were. One of them was almost as big as Sano! 'Is everybody bigger than me?!?' He silently wailed. The smaller girl giggled "I told you he was cute, Coconut!"
"I agreed with you, didn't I?"
They started circling him like sharks now. "He looks even smaller in person than he does on TV."
Kenshin glared as best he could. Why did people always tease him about his height? He wasn't that short.
"He's even shorter than you, Sobrina!"
"Oh, callate (Spanish for 'Shut Up'), Coconut!"
"Don't tell me callate, I'm bigger than you!"
"Yeah, but I can hit harder."
"Can not."
"Can too."
"Can not."
Kenshin was listening to this ridiculous display and began to get disgusted. They've been sniffing too much Nail Polish.
He noticed a shadow in the background. It looked about Sano's size. Redemption! Maybe Sano could rescue him from these crazy females! He almost let out a cry of despair when he realized it wasn't Sano, but...another gaijin?!? 'Is this bad karma catching up to me for my past deeds?'
"W-who is that?" he nervously asked the two girls. He would of asked the man himself but he couldn't because the man had something over his mouth. Kenshin looked closer, it looked like...industrial strength tape, applied in every angle possible, and was wrapped completely around his head, twice. The man's eyes seemed to be begging Kenshin to take pity on him and help him. 'Oh, those two are sick, de gozaru.'
"Him? Oh, he's my brother." Sobrina answered. "Ignore him he's just a prop."
"I hate to ask this but...why does he have, er, tape? On his mouth?"
"He talks too much. If you look closely, you'll notice he's still trying to talk as if nothing happened."
Kenshin looked closer, and, indeed, the man's mouth was opening and closing underneath the tape. He looked lake a fish out of water, gasping for breath. 'More likely the poor man's trying to breath.'
"And would you please quit calling him a man?!? He's only 17 for crying out loud, definitely not a man."
Kenshin was horrified. 'She...can...read...my...mind...de...gozaru...?'
Sobrina had an evil glint in her eyes. "Why not? It's my fic!"
'Please, PLEASE, let this fic, no nightmare, end soon' he silently prayed.
Suddenly the bigger one darted over to the man (death glare from Sobrina) sorry, BOY, and smoothed out the invisible wrinkles in his clothes. "I really wish you would stop wrinkling your clothes. They belong smooth. So don't move!" She pushed his hair back behind his ears. "And for crying out loud, can't you ever keep your hair looking nice?"
'And I thought Kaoru-dono was hard to deal with. I pity the men in these women's lives!'
The larger woman, apparently called Coconut, turned around to face Kenshin "Oh don't bother feeling sorry for him. He doesn't deserve your pity. He's a slob."
The Battousai raised a questioning eyebrow "Oro?"
"Yeah, you should see his stall. It's an absolute mess." Said Sobrina.
"ORO?!?"
"Oh don't be so surprised." Said Sobrina "You don't think we would actually let him sleep in the house, do you?"
Just then, the boy ripped the tape off of his mouth "Run!" He cried "Run, before they turn you into their slave!"
Coconut turned to Sobrina "I told you we should have taped his hands."
Sobrina held her hand up to the boy "PROP!!" She cried, which seemed to shut him up momentarily as Coconut whipped out an unusually large roll of tape, slapping it over his mouth as quickly as possible. "Now see what you have done?! You've messed up your hair by removing the tape!"
She smoothed out his hair before wrapping more tape around him. She then proceeded to whip out a pair of handcuffs, placing his hands behind his back and cuffing him.
'Oro! I can't believe she carries things like that with her!' Kenshin thought.
"I carry a lot of things with me you wouldn't believe." She turned back to the boy and took what appeared to be a dog biscuit out of her pocket "Ok, Slave, Sit!"
He complied.
"Good boy!" As she barely lifted up the tape and fed him the biscuit "That's for not making a fuss about putting the tape back on. Ok, now, lay down!"
He did.
"Good boy." Again, she lifted up the tape and fed him another biscuit. "Tomorrow I'm teaching you to roll over."
'Oro?!? These people are insane! Maybe I should take his advice and run while I have the chance...'
"Not so fast, buddy! You're not going anywhere!" Sobrina said to him. He had forgotten they could read his thoughts.
Suddenly Coconut turned back to the boy "And for heaven's sake, get off the ground!!! You're making yourself all dirty!"
Slave jumped off of the ground, where, not even a minute before, she had told him to lay. She ran over and brushed the debris off of his back.
"Alright, that's enough with the training." Sobrina said.
"But..."
"No!" Sobrina shook her head.
"But..."
"Ah!" Sobrina held up her hand.
"But..."
"Nope!"
Finally Coconut started pouting and stomped her feet. Sobrina walked over and hit her on the back of her head.
"What was that for?!" Coconut cried.
"I dunno, it just felt good."
"Well not for me." Coconut turned and hit Sobrina on the arm, to which Sobrina hit Coconut back. This continued on for another couple of minutes until poor Kenshin figured they were distracted enough that he could safely slip away.
He was wrong.
"Hey!" Sobrina cried as he started to move in the opposite direction. Both Sobrina and Coconut took off after him.
Kenshin could see the dojo gate in front of him. It was still hanging wide open like a magic portal. A way to escape the madness. He was so close. Just a few more feet and he would be home free. He would escape into sweet freedom and sanity.
It was not to be.
Somehow he was able to stop before he crashed into the two imposing figures that magically zipped in front of him.
'Oro?!? H-how...HOW DID THEY BEAT SESSHA?!?!?!?' The only person he knew to be faster than he was that Seta character.
"My, my however did you manage to become the Hitokiri Battousai with such a forgetful memory?" Sobrina smirked down at him. She leaned down so that her face was right in front of his. "You keep seeming to forget that I control this story and my friend and I can do anything."
Kenshin swallowed nervously. Heck, even the Battousai was scared. He could take on the most feared of the Shinsengumi (i.e Saito). Had no problem staring down the cold blades of Shinomori, Shishio, and that punk kid Seta (Sobrina: Still sore that he was actually faster than you ne, Kenshin?). He could even handle his Shishou and all his 'Baka Deshi's'. But these two women were just. PLAIN. SCARY. De gozaru.
He shuddered again when the two women draped their arms around him. 'Please. PLEASE. Don't let Kaoru-dono see this.' He prayed. (again)
The girls starting playing with his hair and "oohing" and "ahhing" over it.
"Oi. You cheatin' on Jou-chan Kenshin?"
'It's Sano thank KAMI!'
The two girls turned to look at the tall hunk...er, fighter.
Sobrina started drooling and looking between Kenshin and Sano. Two cute guys. How to choose?
Coconut walked over to Sano. He was shocked, the tallest women he knew was the kitsune. But this girl was taller than her. She could almost look him right in the eye!
She grinned impishly up at him. "Your hair..."
Sano grinned. 'And the ol' Sagara charm works it magic again.'
"...IS A MESS!! DO YOU EVER BRUSH IT ?!?!"
Sano almost let an 'oro' escape his mouth as he face faulted.
"And your clothes! They stink! You need to wash them more often. Speaking of wash. When was the last time you bathed? And you really need to shave. It's going to take me HOURS to fix you up."
Her tirade continued as she dragged a struggling (and cursing) Sano away.
Sobrina watched them leave before turning back to Kenshin. "I've got you all to myself now!"
Kenshin's eyes widened as he unwittingly started thinking of all the possible meanings of that simple statement. He began praying (yes, again) that Sano could slip away from that other woman and come back to rescue him. He tried thinking of happier times as Sobrina started stroking his long hair. The woman was practically purring she was so completely thrilled with the situation.
Kenshin looked longingly at the dojo. If he had gotten just a few feet farther....
"HEY! GET BACK OVER HERE!!" Both Sobrina and Kenshin turned around to see Coconut apparently chasing Sano. First they ran right past Sobrina and Kenshin, and faded into the distance. Sobrina went back to admiring Kenshin.
"YOU'RE ALL SLIMY AND DISGUSTING!!! I NEED TO BATHE YOU!!!" They were coming back.
Sano looked at Kenshin with a 'Help Me' look on his face as he ran past with Coconut hot on his heels. Obviously, judging by the grin on her face, Coconut was enjoying the chase. Once again they faded into the distance. Sobrina went back to admiring Kenshin (much to his chagrin).
"HEY!!" They were coming back yet again. As they passed by Sobrina and Kenshin, Sobrina put her hands on her hips.
"Do you mind?!?" She exasperatedly asked Coconut as she ran by.
"No, I don't mind." Coconut responded.
Sano twisted his head back to see how close Coconut was to him, but, seeing as how he was no longer watching where he was going, ran into a tree. Coconut stopped and sighed, looking down at Sano at the foot of the tree. "Terrific. Now I get to drag your dead weight all the way back to the bathhouse." She continued to grumble as she bent down, scooping up unconscious Sano and slinging him over her shoulder.
As Sobrina turned back to Kenshin, however, she tripped over a small rock. Furious that anything else should keep her from her adorable Battousai, she pick up a stick and began hitting the rock, chanting "BAKA ROCK!! BAKA ROCK!! BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKAAA!!!!!" each time she hit it.
Kenshin watched this and began to feel sick. Sobrina shook her head and sighed as she turned back to Kenshin. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes!" She continued to stroke his hair and otherwise admire the terrified Battousai.
Slave was standing there this entire time, impassively watching this whole spectacle. To him, this was a normal day.
But they had forgotten that the dojo gate was open. So everybody was very surprised to hear a voice behind them.
Everyone turned around to see a swarm of female fans crowded outside of the dojo. Sobrina knew exactly what they were and so, in a moment of rare kindness, pulled Slave back an instant before the girls rushed forward.
"There he is girls! Get him!"
"Orororo!"
For a few seconds all that could be heard was the thunder of footsteps, then as soon as it started it was over.
Sobrina stepped forward to look at the pathetic Rurouni. He laid listless on the ground his body covered with footprints and lipprints. There were only enough clothes left on his body to make him decent. The rest had been taken away as souvenirs. Both of his sandals and one of his tabi had suffered the same fate. His hair was down and there were bald spots on his head where patches of his beautiful hair were missing.
Kenshin slowly tried to sit up and held a hand to his head.
"Ororororo..."
"Oh my poor baby!" Sobrina flung herself at him and covered him with kisses.
'Oro?! What is she saying?! I am not hers! Help me Battousai!!' But the Battousai simply cowered in the back recesses of his mind whimpering to himself. It was obvious he didn't want to meet Sobrina.
"KENSHIN!" Kaoru yelled. She had come out to see what all of the commotion was about. She was not very pleased to see him practically naked with some hussy draped all over him.
"Eep. K-Kaoru-dono!" Kenshin ducked behind Sobrina trying to shield himself from Kaoru's wrath.
"Kenshin! What happened to you?! And who is this woman?!?" She pointed to Sobrina.
"Oro! Sessha thinks there is laundry to do de gozaru."
Kaoru shook him by the front of his gi and added a few whacks with her bokken for good measure.
"Don't you 'oro' me buddy! And I know there isn't any laundry to do! I saw you doing it this morning. You're just trying to evade the question. Now tell me!! WHO IS THIS WOMAN?!?!?!?"
She shook him again.
"Ororo." He whimpered. "You see Kao...Ah sessha...That is... " He struggled realizing he couldn't come up with an answer. Especially not with the death gleam Kaoru-dono had in her eyes. He shuddered. A mad Kaoru-dono was far scarier than any hitokiri he had come up against.
Kaoru tapped her foot impatiently. "Well Kenshin? I'm waiting!"
"Ah..well..."
He looked helplessly at Sobrina. He figured Kaoru-dono would not accept 'I don't know, her and this other gaijin woman were here when I came home.', but he tried it anyway.
"WHAT?!?" Kaoru screamed as she hit him again with her bokken. "If that's true, where is the other one?"
It was even less likely that she would believe this one, ridiculous as it sounded: "She dragged Sano off to the bath house."
Kaoru glared at Kenshin. 'Sessha was right. She didn't go for it.' Kenshin looked into Kaoru-dono's eyes and began praying that it would be a quick and painless death.
"Well, I better be going. Nice meeting you, Kaoru. Keep up the good work!" Sobrina said as she slowly backed out of the dojo compound, dragging slave with her. Kenshin and Kaoru watched her, sparing Kenshin's life for a few more precious seconds.
That's when they heared the groan just outside the dojo gate.
A very dazed and somewhat confused looking, but yet very clean, well-groomed, and manicured Sano stumbled in through the gate. His hair was slicked back, he was wearing clean clothes, it looked like a good three layers of skin had been scrubbed off of his body, his nails were trimmed, his face and underarms shaved, his teeth brushed. Everyone stared at him.
As he stumbled in farther, they noticed the figure that was still standing at the gate.
Coconut had her fists on her hips and her chest puffed out, looking like she had just conquered the known universe.
"I'm sorry, Kenshin. I believe you now." Kaoru said as she let go of his gi, allowing him to fall to the ground. Seeing this, Sano decided that that was the best place for himself, as well, seeing as how he still felt dizzy.
Before Coconut could scream about nice clean Sano being on the dirty ground, Sobrina grabbed her and dragged her out the gate.
Again, Sobrina bowed. "Thanks for your hospitality. We've got to be going now." She looked Kenshin up and down. "And Yoda? (When my brother and I first watched RK we agreed that Kenshin talked like Yoda ) It's been wonderful, but really, I'm sorry, I must go."
At that Kaoru raised an eyebrow and the three gaijins turned around at a run.
Kenshin rubbed his throbbing head. "Thank Kami this is over."
"You said it." The still dazed Sano muttered.
Kaoru turned away and sighed; a hurt look in her eyes.
"Kaoru-dono? What's the matter?"
"Nothing. It's just... ", she trailed off.
"Go on, what is it?"
"Well, I can see they beat you up, but I...I...", she burst into hysterical tears, "I thought I was the only one you let beat you up. (sniff) But I see I was wrong."
"O-oro?! They didn't beat sessha up."
(sniff) "Th-they didn't?" Kenshin shook his head. "Then who?"
Kenshin scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "Err…a whole bunch of ...uhh...warriors. Yeah, that's it."
"Warriors?"
Kenshin nodded his head emphatically. "Oh yeah! Real big scary looking ones. They were just too much for sessha." He looked at her pitifully hoping she would believe him.
"Sano? Is this true?"
"Uhh...well..." he wasn't too sure. The only people he had seen were those three gaijins. The two women may have been big and scary, but they weren't exactly warriors. Then he noticed the Battousai look Kenshin sent him. He decided if he valued his life he should go along with Kenshin. "Well, you know Kenshin never lies; so it must be true."
By some miracle of a chance Kaoru seemed to be satisfied with his answer. Or maybe it was just because she wanted to be satisfied with the answer.
"Kaoru-dono. You are the only person I would willingly let beat me up." He had a slight amber glow to his eyes. (Sickening isn't it?)
"Honto ni?"
Kenshin nodded.
"Well in that case I could go get my bokken and we could...um...go inside?" Kaoru said with a sly grin and a wink.
Kenshin smiled and nodded eagerly at that. The two linked arms, smiling seductively at each other, and headed for the dojo.
Sano grimaced, 'Those two need help.' (That is perhaps the first intelligent thought Sano has ever had.) "Well Kenshin, Jou-chan. I guess I'll be leaving now." He turned around and ran out of the dojo as fast as he could. It put Kenshin to shame.
The couple hardly noticed Sano leaving, they were too busy fantasizing about the night ahead.
O.o
The three gaijins walked away from the bushes they had been hiding behind. Coconut and Sobrina had big smiles on their faces.
"Well Coconut, where do you want to go next?"
"Well, I'd like to visit Sano and Meg, but it's too soon. Sano would recognize us."
Sobrina nodded her head. "We could go visit Aoshi and Misao. Those two are even worse then Kenshin and Kaoru."
"Or we could go visit Sou-chan." Coconut said with a dreamy look on her face.
"Oi! Sou-chan is mine!" She hit Coconut over the head.
"Says who?! You've never even met him! He might like me better." By know it had turned into a full-fledged catfight. Fists and spiteful words flying everywhere.
'Sano was wrong. Kenshin and Kaoru are fine. These are the two that need help.'
Coconut and Sobrina turned on Slave savagely. "Oi! Watch your thoughts!" Then they started tickling him everywhere.
"NO! Stop! Please! AIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"
In a place not too far away…
Inyigo (Can't remember how you spell his name) put his hand on Fizzik's arm.
"Fizzik? Do you hear that sound?"
"What is it?"
"That is the sound of ultimate suffering. The day the six-fingered man killed my father my heart made that sound. And tonight the man (stern glare from Sobrina ) erm, boy with industrial-strength tape on his mouth is making that sound."
"Why would the m -- boy with industrial strength tape on his mouth be making that sound?"
Inyigo shrugged. "He is doomed to spend eternity with his baka sister and cousin. Who else has the ultimate cause for suffering?"
The End?
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STA:
Many thanks go out to Coconut. Without her this story wouldn't have been half as funny (or fun)!
My brother didn't particularly care for his role in this story. So he is writing a revenge fic. I don't know what it will be called (I'm calling it 'Slave's Revenge'). But I will post it on my site when it is finished. He goes under the screen name Bushido. So go visit my site! You can read the other fine stories I have on there while you are waiting for his. You can even submit some of your own. (hint, hint) The address is http:devoted.to/escapefromreality
Jumps up and down excitedly Please review! Please review! Please review! This is the first time I have ever written a comedy and I would really like to know what you think of it. So go! Review! (Don't make me hurt you!)
Imp:
For some strange reason, Sobrina has gotten it into her head to write a sequel, so keep your eye out for Mental Disturbances 2: The Return of the Evil Tofu Wrapper. Don't look at me like that! It wasn't my idea (for a change)!
In the meantime,
Review.
Review.
Review.
Check out my websites:
http:get-me.to/anywherebuthere (my Okita Souji/Seta Soujiro fansite) and
http:devoted.to/peacemakerkurogane (my Peacemaker Kurogane fansite)
Many thanks for reading this travesty to the art of writing.