Chapter 7
"After I left… for a month I stayed in some mountains, in South America. It was a good place for meditation. I was able to meditate for hours at a time without interruption. I started regain control of my powers. But I couldn't stay there. The village nearby… they feared me and my powers. They drove me out.
I told Beastboy that I went to Europe. I did. I travelled to different countries, searching for a place to live, where I could be accepted. There is no such place. Eventually I found an abandoned cabin. It was in Switzerland. Lots of mountains. Large deserted areas. It was perfect.
But I couldn't control my powers. No matter how much I meditated. I would have nightmares and find the bedroom in ruins. I couldn't sleep. I was scared I would hurt someone. The memory of that boy, lying dead on the floor haunted me.
There was a village nearby. Very old fashioned, no technology to speak of. I didn't bother them and they didn't bother me. But they must have heard the noises coming from the cabin. They presumed I was a witch. They gave me food and offerings, believing I could protect them. I tried not to pay attention to them. But they were curious.
One day I was meditating when there was a knock at the door. It was the village elder. He took me to the village and asked me why I was there. I told him I needed to meditate to control my powers. He said they would continue to feed me and help me.
For months we carried on like that. Food was brought every day. The villagers didn't bother me. But sometimes the children would climb the mountain and watch me meditate. It became a game. Seeing how close they could get. I didn't mind. They didn't bother me.
One day I opened my eyes to find a girl sitting in front of me, trying to meditate. The other children gasped. She had won the game. She had gotten the closest. The girl was only about six years old. She didn't speak English, none of the children did. She was called Arietta. I told her my name was Raven. After that the children came up every day while I meditated. After I had meditated we would sit and try to learn each other's languages. I made connections with them.
The adults were still nervous about approaching me. But they soon started to come up and politely make conversation, or bring food or clothing. Arietta would always be the first to arrive and the last to leave. She would pick flowers for me. She was the youngest child in the village. The other children were still slightly nervous, but not Arietta. She was… the closest thing I had to a friend there.
I can't tell you I wasn't happy there. Because I was. Not was happy as I was at the Tower. But they accepted me. They took care of me. I was happy.
But I missed you. I wanted to come back, I really did. But I couldn't I've been gone for 8 months already. How could I just show up on the doorstep and ask for forgiveness?
I couldn't. I just couldn't come back. Not after what I did. The villagers didn't know I had killed someone. They would never have allowed me to stay if I had let them know. And I wanted to stay. If I couldn't be a Teen Titan this was surely the next best thing. So I stayed…
For so long it seemed like nothing would ever change. But things do. They always do. Change is inevitable.
An old man came to the cabin. I didn't know if he lived in the village. But he said he could help me. I asked him how and he said he could make something to control my powers.
I was doubtful. Who wouldn't be? I had tried everything to control my powers and nothing worked apart from meditation. But he said he had worked on something that could help. A metal cuff. I didn't understand exactly how it worked but it did. He gave me some anaesthetic and attached the cuff. When I woke up I was like this. In control for the first time.
The old man said that in return for the cuff I must do something for him. He wanted me to steal the village treasure. It wasn't a rich village. But they possessed one item of value. A diamond. One of a kind. Absolutely unique.
I refused of course. The villagers had done so much for me. I would not betray them. The man asked me again and again but I refused every single time. Eventually he left, furious.
I asked Arietta if she knew of an old man like that and she said that he was not one of the villagers. But it seemed that I had won. I could control my powers completely. My emotions were mine again."
"But that wasn't the end of it, obviously. One night I woke up and something was wrong. The night air was not cool, as it usually was, and not dark. I left the cabin and looked down the mountain.
The village was ablaze.
The villagers were trying to escape but there were masked figures – Slade's workers – cutting them down. Women, the elderly, even children. All lying in the street, bleeding. I went down as quickly as I could. The old man was in the centre of the village.
He had Arietta.
I tried… so hard. I destroyed as many of the robots as I could, but there were always more coming. I was soon surrounded.
The man came forward, still holding Arietta by the hair. There were many cloaked figures all around him. Many versions of me. The man looked at me. He said… because I had refused to help him, I would pay.
He killed her. Arietta. A child. No, he didn't kill her. I did. One of me killed her. She was watching me the whole time. She was so afraid; she was crying and calling for her mother to come for her, for her father to save her.
They were already dead. And now so was she. I couldn't stop him. He wasn't an old man at all. It was Slade. He dropped Arietta and then they all left. Left me in the ruins of the village that had loved me and cared for me. I had destroyed them. I had destroyed Arietta.
I swore I would find Slade and kill him. But I was too afraid to go after him. So I came here. I had nowhere else to go so I came crawling back, in hope of finding something that hadn't been anywhere else. I needed friendship, comfort, security.
It was wrong of me. I know that. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come back. But I wanted to forget everything. Even now I'm afraid. I want Slade to pay, but I can't make him. I don't know what he's doing here. All I know is that he took innocent lives and he deserves to pay.
And that's not all he took.
I realise now. I understand it. I thought I was seeing things in the village, when I saw the other versions of me.
Slade didn't help me control my emotions.
He stole them. This cuff doesn't control my emotions. It provides fake ones. I can laugh and cry, and hope and love. But they're not real. Slade took my emotions and is using them for his own needs. The other day, when I was mediating I felt him in my mind. I felt a stranger there and I know now that I was Slade.
He stole my emotions. He stole me."
Raven swallowed the lump in her throat and sighed. A single tear was running down her cheek. She looked up at the Teen Titans. They stared back. Cyborg looked shocked. Starfire was crying silently. Robin was slumped against the wall.
And Beastboy was stood up perfectly straight. His eyes were fixed on her face. His face was expressionless. Raven let her head fall forward.
"Please say something." She begged in a whisper.
Robin spoke first.
"You were right."
She looked up again.
"We didn't like it."