A/N: Well, I'll keep posting as long as I have story. lol! ::Sigh:: I like having attention though… *twiddles thumbs*
Disclaimer: More Serious Sirius stuff! Thanks for letting us borrow him J.K.R!
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January, 1986
I am drowning. I can see a fuzzy light far above me but I cannot reach it. I am
in the belly; no oxygen, no life, only darkness and fear... Each day I sink
deeper into her grasp, each day I become weaker... It has been two months since
last I transformed. I have no energy for it... it makes me ill. I try to save
my food so that I may eat one real meal a day, hoping that it will give me the
energy I need to sustain another hellish night but it is so hard... for I am so
cold, thin, weak, shaking… I see in sleep the boy, he is also thin, shaking and
he is alone. He reaches for me but WHO IS HE?! Is he meant to haunt me for
eternity in my nightmares? He needs a comfort that I long to give him but
cannot! What is the meaning of this, of him, of hell, of life, of anything?
Where is the meaning? I am trapped here like a wild animal, chained and
guarded, denied all happiness, denied my LIFE? I ask myself again why I am trapped
in the god-forsaken pit… for I am an innocent man… an innocent man…
~Sirius~
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Written by: LinzyBrook
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April, 1986
I had a visitor today, not a real visitor, but an intruder in my cell. A small,
grotesque animal with beady, hideous eyes, and a tail, thick and pink like a
worm... I wanted nothing more than to tear it limb from limb, make it suffer,
make it pay, take its happiness as it took mine… but why I wanted this, I could
not remember. As I thought about its destruction my mind began to clear,
thoughts began to form with cohesiveness and clarity. That rodent, that tail,
that MAN! The reason I am here, the reason I have not seen the sun is six
years, not smelt fresh air… Peter… Wormtail… I charged the beast but it ran
from me, slipping easily through the bars. I know it was not he but it was one
of his breed. I screamed for it! I screamed for my friends! I screamed for his
ultimate destruction… and then they were upon me, approaching in a mass, hooded
and terrifying, and I fell back as they came closer. Suddenly, I became my
canine counterpart and they became confused. This tool is my only weapon and it
had been such a long time, such a very long time since I had been able to do
it. But, in my moment of resolution, I did what I had to… to survive…
I will make the rat pay… no matter the cost!
~Sirius~
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Written by: LinzyBrook
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May, 1986
Since
my encounter with the vermin my mind has been clearer though I can feel it
slipping slowly again when they come near. They are almost constantly around my
cell now. I think it frustrates them that I have not gone mad yet, not been
drained and left as an insane shell. At times they come in great numbers, but I
have learned since my encounter that fear can give me the strength I need to
transform and that keeps them at bay. They become disorientated, they cannot
sense me clearly...
I find that my writing also helps me keep my sanity for I can pour out my
thoughts onto what scraps I have available and can read them when I feel so
utterly lost and without direction. I fear the day this muggle
quill looses all ink. It has been my only comfort for so long…
~Sirius~
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Written by: Burning Artist
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August 1986
A new clarity has unfolded itself to me and revealed
its purpose in the dark. The boy… the boy looked upon me in sleep once more,
crying, terrified, lonely and mournful. But, this time he allowed me to glimpse
his face. I saw the tear streaming down from his clear eyes… eyes that looked
out at me from behind round, black glasses. The shock of black hair, wild atop
his head; this was the face of my best friend, but younger, much, much younger.
This was the face of my Harry, my Godson. It was like looking at James again. I
couldn't breathe, I couldn't move for fear that the image would dissolve in
front of me but it remained and he reached for me, sobbing. I reached out to
him but could not grasp his small, thin hands. My Harry is afraid and
abandoned... I will find him one day, I will find him and show him the home he
should have had – should have had, had it not been for me…
~Sirius~
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Written by: Burning Artist
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September 1986
Oh Spite, oh Tyranny oh Hell! These words can easily describe the irrefutable suffering I feel enclosed within these walls. My senses regained, I have become tiered of this never-ending existence! Perhaps insanity has its strong points: Time passes much quicker. Oh what a body can feel when the mind is diluted to pure emotion. I live now only to find my way out to see my godson, to clear my name, to tell the world of the terrible injustice that as befallen upon me… to catch this RAT and to gut him slowly… yes. Slowly so he can feel the suffering I've had to endure. But I must weigh my time carefully. The traces of insanity still linger in my thoughts… I must not be rash… But thinking of a way to escape now might do me good. Harry should be in school by now. I never saw my boy out to wish him good luck on his first day or to tell him to be brave. Sadly, after being able to transform into my canine self at will again, the visions have stopped. But I know why he was crying that day. He felt alone; such as I have during these innumerable months. I wonder if he was ever reaching out for me. How could he, he knows not of me and if he does, he'd b reaching out for my neck. No Sirius, you cannot pervert the purity of children. Hate is something gained through the road to adulthood. Even though I can no longer see you Harry, I know that you are well and that is comfort enough for me to stand being here until the moment is right.
~Sirius~
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Written by: Burning Artist
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December 1986
The pain is becoming unbearable. I feel as though cold, sharp needles are being
pressed against my skin. My mind is numb to all but the pain, and a thick,
white haze continually clouds my thoughts.
There is little clarity in me in these bitter, dismal winter days...I have but
one clear and distant thought, and that is of my innocence. I, an innocent man,
caught in this pestilential prison… This life I looked forward to living,
turning into a hell I do not want to endure.
But, I must continue on... I must stay alive! I must stay sane… I vow to live
to the day that Harry knows the truth. That it was Peter, and not I, who killed
his parents! And I live to see the day that Peter will suffer, suffer for all
the things he has caused, and all my years lost.
~Sirius~
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Written by: LinzyBrook
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