** I have decided to try a new approach to my work. Seeing that half the
things that happen at school are hysterically funny and Legolas, Pippin,
Merry, and Frodo (we haven't found our Sam yet) are based on me (Pippin),
two friends (Legos and Mer), and one very messed up (just kidding!) person
who is our poor Frodo: the one who has NO idea what is going on...wow I
trailed off there. Let me start over. The stories that I write from now
on are mostly going to be about things that happen in our lives and/or
inside jokes. Here we go with the most recent and 'tragic'!!!
An almost close to near-death experience...ALMOST
Meriadoc Brandybuck was happily serving Frodo, Samwise, and Legolas drinks while Peregrin was rolling up another keg from the cellar. He was feeling thoroughly refreshed while doing so, as it gave him something to do; and doing something always helped him sober up.
"Another round Merry!" Frodo cried out. He was a little redder in the cheeks than usual and was swaying to and fro. As Merry filled his mug for the third time, Frodo leaned back and nearly fell out of his stool and would have if it weren't for the quick thinking of Sam and Legolas, who were sitting on either side of him.
"Whoa there! You've had a whole pint already!" said Sam.
"I think maybe you should lie down, Master Frodo," said Legolas, sitting him up straight on his stool.
Frodo blinked. "Did you just call me 'Master Frodo'?"
"Ai"
"Don't. Dude, it's just scary."
"Well Gimli says 'Master Elf', and I call him 'Master Dwarf'. So why can't I call you Master Frodo?"
"It's just sounds wrong!"
"Aren't you supposed to be drunk and unable to string words together?"
"Oh right!" Frodo said with a huge grin as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he tipped back again. This time Legolas ignored him and let Sam do the rescuing.
Did I say rescuing? I meant falling in an attempt to save.
Sam put his full weight behind Frodo, but in doing so was pulled out of his stool as well as Frodo fell to the floor. Sam landed on his back, gasping for breath.
"WEEEEEEE!!!" Frodo said, delayed about five seconds after the fall. Sam rolled out from under his friend and picked up Frodo by the collar and led him over to the fire before he started back over to the bar. It was then that Pippin came up, rolling a rather large keg.
"We've been letting this baby sit for about ten years. Merry and I brewed it before the War, and we've been saving it for something like this. Where's Frodo?" He asked, looking around the room.
His question was answered when Sam, who was walking back over to the bar, was attacked by a savage animal that had leaped over the chair it was sitting in. Only after the Took made a mad dash to separate the hobbit and beast did he realize it was Frodo.
"Frodo! What are you doing?" Pippin said out of shock. Frodo looked almost rabid with his bloodshot eyes and foaming mouth. Frodo didn't answer, but he did leap after Pippin. Though he was almost in shock, Pippin managed to push himself backwards with his feet before Frodo pounced on them.
Merry and Legolas were enjoying the show.
"Ten to one Frodo wins," Merry said.
"Nay, twenty says Pippin," Legolas countered.
"Oh?" said Merry, raising an eyebrow.
"Indeed. Fool of a Took he may be, I personally hope that he wins seeing that if he doesn't we will probably be in danger of a rabid Baggins," Legolas said.
"But you have your tranquilizer arrows don't you?" Merry pleaded. Legolas just smiled, sipped his ale, and continued to watch the brawl.
Sam was dumbfounded, but he had managed to pull himself into a chair to watch. It was actually very funny.
Frodo had hit his head when he missed Pippin's feet, but that didn't stop him. He dove after the Took again, but this time, Pippin was more than ready. He leaped up to his feet and leap-frogged over Frodo. Frodo again hit his head on the floor, but it only made him all the madder (as in crazy).
Frodo got up quickly and charged full speed at Pippin. The intensity of the attack was so sudden and actually scary that Pippin was rooted to the spot. Frodo lifted Pippin (keeping in mind Pip is a good six inches taller than him) clean off the ground and ran until they ran into the large keg that Pippin had brought up from the cellar.
Legolas, Merry, and Sam all got to their feet seeing that Pippin actually was in danger. They ran or nanced over to Pippin's aide, but it was too late.
Frodo let go of Pippin when he hit it and jumped to the side, but Pippin was still on top of the barrel. He watched in drunken glee as both Pippin and the barrel went tumbling down the cellar stairs.
"EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Frodo didn't get to enjoy his glee. He was tackled by two hobbits and an elf, who hogtied him and threw him to the side.
Legolas and Merry dashed down the stairs as Sam was tending to Frodo, convinced that it wasn't his fault. They made straight for Pippin and the keg.
"It's okay, I think I'm fine," Pippin said after groaning to get up to his feet. "Really, I'm okay, it was just a little fall, it was.." Pippin trailed off after he saw his friends run past him to tend to the keg.
"It's leaking. Quick! Get some tar to stuff the hole!" Merry shouted. Legolas left with a nod.
"AHEM!" Pippin said in Merry's ear.
"Oh! Pip! Are you okay?" Merry asked, still very preoccupied with the keg.
"I'm FINE," Pippin said, and he left Merry to the keg. He was almost sent flying down the stairs again as Legolas came nancing down three steps at a time to mend the leaking keg.
When he got to the top of the stairs, he saw Sam holding Frodo in his arms, apparently trying to give him some water. Like water helped with drunkenness.
"Thanks a lot Frodo!" Pippin almost screamed. Just as the words left him, he felt a pang in his left side. "I think you did something to my spleen!"
"SPLEEN!" Frodo screamed out of pure madness.
"Mr. Frodo! That's not nice!" Sam scolded.
"SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN!"
Just then, Merry and Legolas came up from the cellar, gingerly rolling the keg that was now clogged with hardened tar. Seeing that Pippin was actually in pain, they quickly set the keg on one of its flat sides and rushed over.
"Pip? What's wrong Pip?" Merry asked with sincere concern.
"I think it's my spleen," Pippin said as he stumbled over to a wall and sat down.
"Your spleen? That's not good," said Legolas.
"No shit, Sherlock!" Merry and Pippin said simultaneously.
"Who is Sherlock?" Legolas asked.
"Nevermind.." Merry said, looking back at Pippin. "Do you need medicine? Do you need me to call on Gandalf?" Pippin nodded as he leaned over on the floor, clutching his side.
"Quick! Legolas! Send word for Gandalf!" Merry said to the elf.
Legolas looked uncomfortable. He motioned for Merry to lean in so that he could whisper something in his ear.
"Gandalf is too far away. He's helping Aragorn in Gondor."
"Oh. Who else is there?" Merry asked.
"Lord Elrond is the only person I know who is close enough," Legolas said, knowing what Merry was going to say next.
"You can't do that!" Merry said in an exasperated whisper. "You know Elrond scares the piss out of him!"
"Indeed I do know. But it's that or.......well, he's the only option," Legolas said.
"Fine. Send word to Rivendell," Merry said. Legolas nodded and left. Merry turned back to Pippin. He glanced over at Sam, who was desperately trying to control the Baggins.
"SPLEEN! Is your SPLEEN okay Pip? SPLEEN!! SPLEEN!!" Frodo yelled.
"Shut up Mr. Frodo!" Sam said, now aggravated.
"SPLEEEEEEEEEEEN!"
SLAP
Sam fell back, amazed at what he had done.
"I'm sorry Mr. Frodo!" he sobbed.
"Sam," said Frodo.
"Yes Mr. Frodo?" said Sam.
"Stop that. You look like a baby."
"Oh, sorry," said Sam, who promptly stopped crying.
"There you go," said Frodo.
"Wait. Aren't you supposed to be drunk?"
"Oh right!" Frodo's eyes rolled into the back of his head again as he tipped back again. Sam didn't help Frodo this time. Frodo hit the floor with full force.
"OW!" Frodo yelled.
"Frodo..drunk remember?" Sam said, shaking a finger at Frodo, who smiled and fell to the floor again, but more gently this time.
Merry looked back at Pippin, who was clutching his side.
"Pip? Want me to help you back to your room 'til El...I mean Gandalf gets here?" he asked. Pippin nodded.
Merry slung Pippin's left arm over his shoulder and helped his friend to his feet. He nearly fell down when he turned to see Elrond and Legolas standing there, looking solemn.
"Is this the One?" Elrond said to Legolas in his usual drawl.
"Yes," Legolas answered.
Elrond lifted up Pippin's chin with a finger, who looked back at the elf lord with terror.
"Only hobbit," Elrond said, pushing the hobbit's face aside and pulled out a gun and square brown glasses. Legolas, Merry, and Sam were frozen in shock.
"Never send a hobbit to do a machine's job," Agent Smith..I mean Elrond said as he pointed the gun at Pippin's head. Merry came to his senses.
"Hey! Elrond! Wrong movie!" he practically shouted.
"Huh?" Elrond's face was confused looking. He pulled a script out of his robes and read it. "Oh right! This is Lord of the Rings isn't it! Put the stupid hobbit in his bed and I'll check him over."
Merry and Sam helped Pippin up to his room while Legolas kept close watch on Frodo, bow in hand. No sooner as Pippin was laid in his bed did Elrond come to the conclusion of what was wrong with the hobbit.
"Bruised spleen," he said blandly.
"Are you sure? That was a little too fast for my liking," Sam said.
"Would you rather have him be in here along with me while I make him take off his shirt while I poke around at his abdomen? I think he would indeed have to be extremely drunk already for him to even been in the same room as me and still have dry trousers," Elrond said knowingly.
"Good point," Merry said.
"It's going to hurt for a few hours, but if you want me to I can give you some codeine to numb the pain if you need to get back to work," Elrond said.
At the mention of the word 'codeine', Pippin's eyes light up.
"Gimmiegimmiegimmie!" he squealed, his arms reaching for Elrond's cloak.
"On second thought, here you go. Advil. Enjoy!" Elrond said, quickly walking out the door before Pippin could manage to snatch at his robes. He left the meds on the bar before he left.
"Looks like it's the bed for you tonight Pip!" Merry said, pulling back the sheets up and over his friend.
"Here, have some ale with that Advil, Pip," Sam said, giving him what was left in his mug and two small pills from the pouch that Elrond had left. Pippin couldn't refuse, and quickly took the pills along with the rest of the ale. He fell back into his pillow with a smile and was asleep in seconds.
Merry and Sam tiptoed out of the room and closed the door. As soon as he was sure it was shut, Sam asked Merry something that was bugging him the whole time Elrond had been there.
"How in Middle-Earth did he get here so fast?" he asked.
"After living with an elf for a month, you learn to just not ask those kinds of questions Sam," Merry said. Sam stopped, thought for a moment, and walked on downstairs to get another ale.
***Ok so just for note, I really did bruise my spleen and I thought it would be funny to have the same thing happen to Pip. Trust me, the funnier stuff will happen when Pip talks to Frodo again...spleens galore. You better enjoy this, even though this is just something I cooked up in less than an hour. I have no life, but then again neither does anyone else who is reading this.
Love and peace
Court
An almost close to near-death experience...ALMOST
Meriadoc Brandybuck was happily serving Frodo, Samwise, and Legolas drinks while Peregrin was rolling up another keg from the cellar. He was feeling thoroughly refreshed while doing so, as it gave him something to do; and doing something always helped him sober up.
"Another round Merry!" Frodo cried out. He was a little redder in the cheeks than usual and was swaying to and fro. As Merry filled his mug for the third time, Frodo leaned back and nearly fell out of his stool and would have if it weren't for the quick thinking of Sam and Legolas, who were sitting on either side of him.
"Whoa there! You've had a whole pint already!" said Sam.
"I think maybe you should lie down, Master Frodo," said Legolas, sitting him up straight on his stool.
Frodo blinked. "Did you just call me 'Master Frodo'?"
"Ai"
"Don't. Dude, it's just scary."
"Well Gimli says 'Master Elf', and I call him 'Master Dwarf'. So why can't I call you Master Frodo?"
"It's just sounds wrong!"
"Aren't you supposed to be drunk and unable to string words together?"
"Oh right!" Frodo said with a huge grin as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he tipped back again. This time Legolas ignored him and let Sam do the rescuing.
Did I say rescuing? I meant falling in an attempt to save.
Sam put his full weight behind Frodo, but in doing so was pulled out of his stool as well as Frodo fell to the floor. Sam landed on his back, gasping for breath.
"WEEEEEEE!!!" Frodo said, delayed about five seconds after the fall. Sam rolled out from under his friend and picked up Frodo by the collar and led him over to the fire before he started back over to the bar. It was then that Pippin came up, rolling a rather large keg.
"We've been letting this baby sit for about ten years. Merry and I brewed it before the War, and we've been saving it for something like this. Where's Frodo?" He asked, looking around the room.
His question was answered when Sam, who was walking back over to the bar, was attacked by a savage animal that had leaped over the chair it was sitting in. Only after the Took made a mad dash to separate the hobbit and beast did he realize it was Frodo.
"Frodo! What are you doing?" Pippin said out of shock. Frodo looked almost rabid with his bloodshot eyes and foaming mouth. Frodo didn't answer, but he did leap after Pippin. Though he was almost in shock, Pippin managed to push himself backwards with his feet before Frodo pounced on them.
Merry and Legolas were enjoying the show.
"Ten to one Frodo wins," Merry said.
"Nay, twenty says Pippin," Legolas countered.
"Oh?" said Merry, raising an eyebrow.
"Indeed. Fool of a Took he may be, I personally hope that he wins seeing that if he doesn't we will probably be in danger of a rabid Baggins," Legolas said.
"But you have your tranquilizer arrows don't you?" Merry pleaded. Legolas just smiled, sipped his ale, and continued to watch the brawl.
Sam was dumbfounded, but he had managed to pull himself into a chair to watch. It was actually very funny.
Frodo had hit his head when he missed Pippin's feet, but that didn't stop him. He dove after the Took again, but this time, Pippin was more than ready. He leaped up to his feet and leap-frogged over Frodo. Frodo again hit his head on the floor, but it only made him all the madder (as in crazy).
Frodo got up quickly and charged full speed at Pippin. The intensity of the attack was so sudden and actually scary that Pippin was rooted to the spot. Frodo lifted Pippin (keeping in mind Pip is a good six inches taller than him) clean off the ground and ran until they ran into the large keg that Pippin had brought up from the cellar.
Legolas, Merry, and Sam all got to their feet seeing that Pippin actually was in danger. They ran or nanced over to Pippin's aide, but it was too late.
Frodo let go of Pippin when he hit it and jumped to the side, but Pippin was still on top of the barrel. He watched in drunken glee as both Pippin and the barrel went tumbling down the cellar stairs.
"EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Frodo didn't get to enjoy his glee. He was tackled by two hobbits and an elf, who hogtied him and threw him to the side.
Legolas and Merry dashed down the stairs as Sam was tending to Frodo, convinced that it wasn't his fault. They made straight for Pippin and the keg.
"It's okay, I think I'm fine," Pippin said after groaning to get up to his feet. "Really, I'm okay, it was just a little fall, it was.." Pippin trailed off after he saw his friends run past him to tend to the keg.
"It's leaking. Quick! Get some tar to stuff the hole!" Merry shouted. Legolas left with a nod.
"AHEM!" Pippin said in Merry's ear.
"Oh! Pip! Are you okay?" Merry asked, still very preoccupied with the keg.
"I'm FINE," Pippin said, and he left Merry to the keg. He was almost sent flying down the stairs again as Legolas came nancing down three steps at a time to mend the leaking keg.
When he got to the top of the stairs, he saw Sam holding Frodo in his arms, apparently trying to give him some water. Like water helped with drunkenness.
"Thanks a lot Frodo!" Pippin almost screamed. Just as the words left him, he felt a pang in his left side. "I think you did something to my spleen!"
"SPLEEN!" Frodo screamed out of pure madness.
"Mr. Frodo! That's not nice!" Sam scolded.
"SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN SPLEEN!"
Just then, Merry and Legolas came up from the cellar, gingerly rolling the keg that was now clogged with hardened tar. Seeing that Pippin was actually in pain, they quickly set the keg on one of its flat sides and rushed over.
"Pip? What's wrong Pip?" Merry asked with sincere concern.
"I think it's my spleen," Pippin said as he stumbled over to a wall and sat down.
"Your spleen? That's not good," said Legolas.
"No shit, Sherlock!" Merry and Pippin said simultaneously.
"Who is Sherlock?" Legolas asked.
"Nevermind.." Merry said, looking back at Pippin. "Do you need medicine? Do you need me to call on Gandalf?" Pippin nodded as he leaned over on the floor, clutching his side.
"Quick! Legolas! Send word for Gandalf!" Merry said to the elf.
Legolas looked uncomfortable. He motioned for Merry to lean in so that he could whisper something in his ear.
"Gandalf is too far away. He's helping Aragorn in Gondor."
"Oh. Who else is there?" Merry asked.
"Lord Elrond is the only person I know who is close enough," Legolas said, knowing what Merry was going to say next.
"You can't do that!" Merry said in an exasperated whisper. "You know Elrond scares the piss out of him!"
"Indeed I do know. But it's that or.......well, he's the only option," Legolas said.
"Fine. Send word to Rivendell," Merry said. Legolas nodded and left. Merry turned back to Pippin. He glanced over at Sam, who was desperately trying to control the Baggins.
"SPLEEN! Is your SPLEEN okay Pip? SPLEEN!! SPLEEN!!" Frodo yelled.
"Shut up Mr. Frodo!" Sam said, now aggravated.
"SPLEEEEEEEEEEEN!"
SLAP
Sam fell back, amazed at what he had done.
"I'm sorry Mr. Frodo!" he sobbed.
"Sam," said Frodo.
"Yes Mr. Frodo?" said Sam.
"Stop that. You look like a baby."
"Oh, sorry," said Sam, who promptly stopped crying.
"There you go," said Frodo.
"Wait. Aren't you supposed to be drunk?"
"Oh right!" Frodo's eyes rolled into the back of his head again as he tipped back again. Sam didn't help Frodo this time. Frodo hit the floor with full force.
"OW!" Frodo yelled.
"Frodo..drunk remember?" Sam said, shaking a finger at Frodo, who smiled and fell to the floor again, but more gently this time.
Merry looked back at Pippin, who was clutching his side.
"Pip? Want me to help you back to your room 'til El...I mean Gandalf gets here?" he asked. Pippin nodded.
Merry slung Pippin's left arm over his shoulder and helped his friend to his feet. He nearly fell down when he turned to see Elrond and Legolas standing there, looking solemn.
"Is this the One?" Elrond said to Legolas in his usual drawl.
"Yes," Legolas answered.
Elrond lifted up Pippin's chin with a finger, who looked back at the elf lord with terror.
"Only hobbit," Elrond said, pushing the hobbit's face aside and pulled out a gun and square brown glasses. Legolas, Merry, and Sam were frozen in shock.
"Never send a hobbit to do a machine's job," Agent Smith..I mean Elrond said as he pointed the gun at Pippin's head. Merry came to his senses.
"Hey! Elrond! Wrong movie!" he practically shouted.
"Huh?" Elrond's face was confused looking. He pulled a script out of his robes and read it. "Oh right! This is Lord of the Rings isn't it! Put the stupid hobbit in his bed and I'll check him over."
Merry and Sam helped Pippin up to his room while Legolas kept close watch on Frodo, bow in hand. No sooner as Pippin was laid in his bed did Elrond come to the conclusion of what was wrong with the hobbit.
"Bruised spleen," he said blandly.
"Are you sure? That was a little too fast for my liking," Sam said.
"Would you rather have him be in here along with me while I make him take off his shirt while I poke around at his abdomen? I think he would indeed have to be extremely drunk already for him to even been in the same room as me and still have dry trousers," Elrond said knowingly.
"Good point," Merry said.
"It's going to hurt for a few hours, but if you want me to I can give you some codeine to numb the pain if you need to get back to work," Elrond said.
At the mention of the word 'codeine', Pippin's eyes light up.
"Gimmiegimmiegimmie!" he squealed, his arms reaching for Elrond's cloak.
"On second thought, here you go. Advil. Enjoy!" Elrond said, quickly walking out the door before Pippin could manage to snatch at his robes. He left the meds on the bar before he left.
"Looks like it's the bed for you tonight Pip!" Merry said, pulling back the sheets up and over his friend.
"Here, have some ale with that Advil, Pip," Sam said, giving him what was left in his mug and two small pills from the pouch that Elrond had left. Pippin couldn't refuse, and quickly took the pills along with the rest of the ale. He fell back into his pillow with a smile and was asleep in seconds.
Merry and Sam tiptoed out of the room and closed the door. As soon as he was sure it was shut, Sam asked Merry something that was bugging him the whole time Elrond had been there.
"How in Middle-Earth did he get here so fast?" he asked.
"After living with an elf for a month, you learn to just not ask those kinds of questions Sam," Merry said. Sam stopped, thought for a moment, and walked on downstairs to get another ale.
***Ok so just for note, I really did bruise my spleen and I thought it would be funny to have the same thing happen to Pip. Trust me, the funnier stuff will happen when Pip talks to Frodo again...spleens galore. You better enjoy this, even though this is just something I cooked up in less than an hour. I have no life, but then again neither does anyone else who is reading this.
Love and peace
Court