****ok wow, when I said last time that this was a story that I could relate
to, I DID NOT mean that I run around the house wetting every bed there is!
I have been potty trained for...a long time! Anyway, this is the prank
wars: nothing but pranks.****
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Prank Wars
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Meriadoc Brandybuck had a hard time waking up that the morning. He was far too comfortable to get out of his own bed, even though it smelled like raw fish from Peregrin's episode from the night before. His bed was warm, and his left hand was exceptionally warm.
Then Merry realized. He opened his eyes, slowly to see the horror of a glass of water. It wasn't the fact that he was looking at the water, but rather, that his hand had been placed inside.
As Pippin had, he felt the warmth. Merry sighed as he pulled his hand out of the water and flipped over his once-white sheets. They were now stained yellow, as were his trousers.
"Pippin.."
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Sam was experiencing the same horror as he awoke on the rainy day. Merry and Sam both knew that Pippin would no longer be washing their sheets. Secretly, they were plotting each in their own way to get back at Pippin. They were plotting well..
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Meanwhile, Legolas was doing the same as he was hand washing his sheets in his bathroom, for he didn't trust anyone else to wash them as they were made from the finest cotton from Rivendell.
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Frodo stirred to the sound of the soft pitter patter of the falling rain outside on the roof. Or was it the smell of his own crap mixed with raw fish? He couldn't tell. As he tried to stand up, he found his head tightly fixed to the column that he was roped to, along with his hands. His feet were also bonded. Trying to squirm out of the ropes, he felt someone leaning their head on his shoulder.
It was Pippin, sleeping soundly. Frodo couldn't figure out why he wasn't married yet, seeing his friend sleeping there, so peaceful.
Frodo didn't want to wake Pippin, but he had to if he wanted to be free. His stomach was roaring loudly and was in desperate need of feeding.
"Pippin!" he said as he nudged his shoulder that Pippin was sleeping on. The hobbit slept on. "Pip! Get up!" he said, again causing Pippin's head to bounce up and down as he nudged him.
"Wha.wha.where are we going?" Pippin mumbled as he awoke.
"Pippin! Help me untie these bonds!" Frodo said, not being able to look at Pippin in the eye, for he could not move it due to the ropes.
Then the memories of the evening before came back to him.
"Are you still drunk?" Pippin asked, standing up before Frodo, looking him straight in the eye.
"No, man. I've got a massive hangover, and my head is killing me enough from these ropes," Frodo said.
"Fine..." Pippin untied the bonds that were holding Frodo's head in place first, then his hands. He let Frodo untie his own feet so he could know if the hobbit was truly sober. Frodo passed the test.
"By Mordor, this smells like ass," Frodo said as he got up to his feet.
"Yes it does," said Pippin as he walked behind the counter of the bar and bringing out a mop and pail, "and you're going to clean it up."
"Aw Pip..."
"Do it." Pippin forced the mop into Frodo's arms and dropped the pail on the floor.
"Alright..." Frodo filled the pail with water from the pump outside and began to mop the poop-covered floor.
Pippin remembered all to well the events of the previous night, and knew that he badly need a bath and a new pair of trousers. As he made his way to the stairs, he heard a creek come from one of the doors in the corridor upstairs. The memory of the doll came back to him, but he shook it off.
As he was about to open his door, one of the doors slammed. Pippin turned, back pressed to the door, panting. He scanned the corridor before entering his room and locking the door.
Taking his sweaty hands off of the door and breathing a sigh of relief, Pippin turned and made his way to his closet and opened it, only to find that all of his trousers were dripping wet, along with all of his shirts and underpants.
"Merry..." Pippin whispered. He slammed his closet door in frustration Merry's deed. Pippin had been pranked back. Knowing that he couldn't last the day in the pissy clothes he was wearing, Pippin stripped down to his underpants, revealing his extremely tone body that he had adopted from his quest from the War of the Ring, and slung his clothes over his bare shoulder. He didn't trust carrying them in a bag that was probably tainted by Merry, and he smelled like pee anyway.
Pippin knew that going into the bathroom was taking a huge risk, but he had to. Using Legolas's bathroom wasn't an option. He opened the door slowly and stuck his head in to make sure the cost was clear.
As soon as he stepped foot in the room, his feet came out from under him and he skid across the bathroom floor into one of the cubbies that housed his soaps and foot-hair grooming tools
CRASH
Soap and combs flew as Pippin came to a sudden halt when he hit the cubbies. Luckily for him, the potion that Elrond have given actually did have some healing properties and his spleen was no longer bruised. (A/N: I'm healed!!)
As Pippin slowly crawled over to one of the wash bins and steadied himself on it, he could see the trail he had left on the freshly polished and soaped floor.
"Merry couldn't do this alone..." Pippin thought to himself. "Sam..."
Pippin turned himself around slowly while holding on to the wash bin, put his clothes into the bin, and lifted the lever that began pumping water into the bin. As the water hit the fine powder on the bottom of the bin, the potent smell of rotten eggs filled the room. Pippin was quickly driven out of the room on his hands and knees. He had a hard time finding the door, seeing that his eyes were blinded by tears. He gasped for breath as he closed the door and was rid of the smell. Then he remembered the water. Taking a deep breath, Pippin opened the door again and crawled as fast as he could to the bin. Of course he had to choose the bin that was furthest away from the door. Pip was two feet away from the bin by the time he could no longer see because of tearing. He fingered the bin and found the pump and pushed down, shutting off the water.
Quickly running out of air, Pippin scrambled for the door blindly. He couldn't hold it must longer...Through the tears he could see the faint image of the door. He risked getting to his feet and ran for the door, falling on his ass and sliding out of the room and into a wall.
BOOM
He quickly got to his feet and closed the door. As Pippin stood to his feet, he saw an eerie green vapor beginning to sneak out from the crack at the bottom of the door. He bolted for his room, but it was locked. A pair of very wet trousers was hanging on the handle. Pippin shrugged and put them on over his soapy underpants. The trousers fit snuggly, but not too tight. As he walked around, they stretched out again. As he did so, he realized that they were a little short on him, coming to about an inch or two below his knee.
Unfortunately, as they stretched, the waist became too loose to fit him. They slid down and hung around his hips. (A/N: much like most guys wear them today...it's a new hobbit fashion!)
Pippin franticly searched for suspenders in vain. He was still shirtless, but at least he had nothing to be embarrassed of.
He slowly made his way down the stairs, back pressed against the wall. As he peered around the corner, four eggs came flying at him from nowhere. He moved before he was plastered with them, letting the wall take the blow.
"This means war..." Pippin said to himself. He searched his pockets to see if there was anything in them that might be of use. All he found was a soaked tin of Elvin snuff. Pippin realized that the pants were Merry's seeing that Pippin didn't use snuff. Neither did Merry really, he just liked to impress the ladies occasionally when they came to the tavern. Let me stress the occasionally. It also explained why the pants fit so loosely on him and why they were so short. Pippin's girth was smaller than Merry's, and he was taller by an inch or two.
The water had turned the snuff into a thick black goop. Elvin snuff had originally been used as a substance to hold wood together, but when a man from Rohan accidentally let it dry, he found that it could be used as snuff.
Pippin dipped two fingers in the goo and rubbed it across both of his cheeks, leaving two black lines under his eyes. He also traced two lines on his upper arms. He closed the lid to the snuff box and pocketed it. Wiping the remainder of the goo on his pants, Pip pressed his back against the wall again and peered slowly around the corner.
Two more eggs came flying at him, but Pippin was more than ready. Knowing that his attackers would be busying themselves with reloading their ammo, Pippin seized his chance. He leaped down the last three stairs and bolted for the tables, ducking and weaving as more eggs splattered at his feet. As soon as he was safe behind one of the benches, he heard a voice come from his left.
"Pippin! Over here!"
It was Frodo. He was crouching behind one of the tables as well, only he didn't have the extra cover of the benches to shield him. Egg yolk was matted in his hair along with eggshell. Pippin stood up and ducked again as the next wave of eggs came. Again seizing his reloading delay chance, Pippin sprinted over to where Frodo was crouching. He promptly kicked the table over, just in time to shield a dozen eggs that were coming at them.
"Frodo! What happened?" Pippin said as he sat down to catch his breath.
"I was ambushed! Merry and Sam came charging downstairs, but not yelling or anything, and tipped one of the tables. I had no idea what they were doing, and when I asked, I was hit!" Frodo explained as he picked out bits of eggshell that were lodged in his hair.
Pippin scanned Frodo and saw what bad shape he was in. His shirt was actually torn from eggshell and one of his suspenders was hanging off his shoulder.
"Take off your shirt...if we are going to go to war with these two, we are going to do it right," Pippin said. (A/N: gutter guard)
"WHAT?!" Frodo yelled.
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
A barrage of eggs hit the table.
"Trust me Frodo. It's a prank war, and it's shirts against skins. Here," Pippin said as he handed the snuff box to Frodo, "put some of this on like I did. We're a team now."
"Okay..." Frodo unbuttoned his torn shirt and put it on the floor. Then he dipped his fingers into the snuff box and imitated Pippin's design. As Frodo checked to make sure that he looked like Pippin, he noticed that he was considerable scrawnier than his friend was.
"Right. Now we are hobbit warriors," Pippin said with such corniness that it was actually good.
"What must I do?" Frodo asked. Pippin gave him a drop-the-drama look.
"I mean, whadda we do now?"
"Well, eggshells and yolk won't do us much good. We need some sort of ammo..."
Pippin scanned the room, looking for something of use. His eyes fell of Legolas's bow. However, it was hanging a good three feet above where Pippin's head would be. He couldn't risk such a vulnerable position. As he looked around again, his eyes fell on the column that was behind them. It was the one that he and Frodo had slept against the night before. The crap that had seeped through Frodo's pants had solidified into solid clumps. There were about two small handfuls in all.
As Pippin's mind was twisting, Frodo was bobbing is head up and down as he peered over the edge of the table to see where Merry and Sam were. He finally spotted them, behind another over turned table, but not before a well-aimed throw from Merry hit home on his forehead.
SPLAT
Yolk dripped down onto his face and down onto his chest. He was rather glad that he wasn't wearing his shirt, for the yolk was easily cleaned off his chest with the discarded clothing. He wiped his face with it, finding that the snuff didn't come off with it.
"Pippin! I know where they are! Pippin? What are you doing?!" Frodo said in fright when he saw his friend collecting his feces.
"Making a plan," Pippin said with a smirk.
"And that would be..." Frodo asked.
"You'll see," Pippin said, smiling all the more. "Okay, what we need to do is flip all the tables on this side of the tavern. Then, we need to bring them all together to form a line. It will make a wall, and they will never know where we are."
"Good idea," said Frodo.
"Yea, so get to it," said Pippin.
"WHAT?!"
"You heard me."
"Fine..."
Pippin smiled again. What Frodo was doing wasn't only to build a mini- fort, but also to create a diversion. As Frodo bolted from table to table, flipping tables and dragging them together, Merry and Sam were pelting eggs at him.
"They have to run out soon..." Pippin thought. While Merry and Sam were preoccupied, Pippin commando-crawled over to the bar. Merry and Sam didn't even see him. Frodo's dried turds were in his pocket.
A skill that often went unsung to other that Pippin possessed was an uncanny ability of accuracy with a slingshot. He always kept one under the counter for safety, and now, it was needed. Pippin stood up once he was inside the bar since his head didn't clear the counter. He found the slingshot and broke the feces in half. He placed a small piece in a thin pig bladder along with a bit of strong whisky and fine powder that was identical to the powder that drove him out of the bathroom. Before the powder began to fizz, Pippin tied the bladder with a piece of string and loaded it into the slingshot. He quickly stood up on the ledge inside the bar and took aim at Merry and Sam.
The bladder was expanding quickly, which would make for a rather large explosion of poop and foul smelling green vapor when it hit. Pippin breathed in and shot.
The bladder hit with full force on Merry's head, but it wasn't full enough to burst.
"Oh shite," Pippin whispered. Merry and Sam stopped attacking Frodo, who was just finishing, and looked down at the swelling bladder. They looked over at Pippin and laughed.
"Oh, is that the best you can do Pip?" Merry jeered.
"Gaffer could do better!" Sam yelled.
As the two hobbits were busy taunting Pippin, the bladder swelled more and more. Pippin knew this and smiled.
"Hey what are you so happy about?" yelled Merry.
Pippin smiled bigger and jumped down from the ledge and yelled to Frodo "GET DOWN!"
Merry and Sam looked at each other, then at the swelling bladder. They gave each other a look of terror before the mini-bomb went off.
BA-BANG!
The liquid feces, whisky, and green vapor splattered all over the two hobbits and all of the tavern within a ten yard radius. The powder that Pippin put in with the whiskey had a slight explosive effect. Merry and Sam's eyebrows were singed and were thrown back four or five feet. Pippin seized his chance.
"ATTACK!!!!" he yelled as he changed out from the bar and tackled Merry, who was trying to get to his feet. Frodo did likewise.
"HA! Who's punk'd now?" Pippin yelled as he placed Merry in a headlock. Merry fought, but he was no match for Pippin's deadlock grip. He squirmed to little effect. Meanwhile, Frodo was trying to do the same to Sam, but was sorely loosing. It was so pathetic that Sam just sat down on the floor while Frodo tried to pin him down.
Back at the ranch...
Merry had given up to Pippin now, who's muscles were bulging as he kept Merry in check. (Sorry, I had to say that...sexy Pippin...)
"Okay okay! I'm punk'd! You win!" Merry whined.
Pippin let go of Merry. Merry held out his hand and Pippin shook it.
"Well done Merry," said Pippin.
"You too Pip."
Frodo stopped trying to tackle Sam and said, "What's going on?"
"It's a truce now. This battle of the Prank War is over," Merry explained.
"Now, we join and attack our next victim," added Pippin.
"Who would that be?" Sam asked as he stood up.
"Legolas," Merry said, turning his head towards the stairs.
"It's never been done before. We have never been able to catch him off guard before," Pippin said, as if telling an urban legend.
"But with you two, we can punk the elf like we have never punk'd before," Merry said with a twinkle in his eye.
"What must I do?" Frodo said. Pippin gave him the drop-the-drama look again.
"I mean, whadda we do?"
"We can't just walk in there and prank him like that...this is going to take some planning," Merry said.
"What kind of planning?" Sam asked.
"That was a half-assed question Sam. We have maps of Legolas's room all planned out to aid us, but they aren't updated with the new booby traps," Pippin said.
"Booby traps?!" Frodo said, alarmed.
"Don't worry, they won't kill you if you're quick," Merry said, winking at Pippin, who smiled back.
"KILL?!" Sam barely whispered.
"Fear not Sam. We got your back!" Pippin said, patting Sam on the back. He swallowed hard.
"Come on Sam! It'll be fun!" Frodo said with nervous cheerfulness.
Merry walked behind the counter of the bar and retrieved a roll of parchment and a quill.
"Right, now what we need is a plan..."
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Hope you like! I know it's a cliff hanger, but at least it's not as bad as the one from the matrix reloaded. Man, I was sooo pissed when I saw "to be concluded". Anyway, if you have any ideas for pranking Legolas, please post them so that I might use them! I have a few in mind, but I need more!
Love and peace
court
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Prank Wars
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Meriadoc Brandybuck had a hard time waking up that the morning. He was far too comfortable to get out of his own bed, even though it smelled like raw fish from Peregrin's episode from the night before. His bed was warm, and his left hand was exceptionally warm.
Then Merry realized. He opened his eyes, slowly to see the horror of a glass of water. It wasn't the fact that he was looking at the water, but rather, that his hand had been placed inside.
As Pippin had, he felt the warmth. Merry sighed as he pulled his hand out of the water and flipped over his once-white sheets. They were now stained yellow, as were his trousers.
"Pippin.."
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Sam was experiencing the same horror as he awoke on the rainy day. Merry and Sam both knew that Pippin would no longer be washing their sheets. Secretly, they were plotting each in their own way to get back at Pippin. They were plotting well..
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Meanwhile, Legolas was doing the same as he was hand washing his sheets in his bathroom, for he didn't trust anyone else to wash them as they were made from the finest cotton from Rivendell.
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Frodo stirred to the sound of the soft pitter patter of the falling rain outside on the roof. Or was it the smell of his own crap mixed with raw fish? He couldn't tell. As he tried to stand up, he found his head tightly fixed to the column that he was roped to, along with his hands. His feet were also bonded. Trying to squirm out of the ropes, he felt someone leaning their head on his shoulder.
It was Pippin, sleeping soundly. Frodo couldn't figure out why he wasn't married yet, seeing his friend sleeping there, so peaceful.
Frodo didn't want to wake Pippin, but he had to if he wanted to be free. His stomach was roaring loudly and was in desperate need of feeding.
"Pippin!" he said as he nudged his shoulder that Pippin was sleeping on. The hobbit slept on. "Pip! Get up!" he said, again causing Pippin's head to bounce up and down as he nudged him.
"Wha.wha.where are we going?" Pippin mumbled as he awoke.
"Pippin! Help me untie these bonds!" Frodo said, not being able to look at Pippin in the eye, for he could not move it due to the ropes.
Then the memories of the evening before came back to him.
"Are you still drunk?" Pippin asked, standing up before Frodo, looking him straight in the eye.
"No, man. I've got a massive hangover, and my head is killing me enough from these ropes," Frodo said.
"Fine..." Pippin untied the bonds that were holding Frodo's head in place first, then his hands. He let Frodo untie his own feet so he could know if the hobbit was truly sober. Frodo passed the test.
"By Mordor, this smells like ass," Frodo said as he got up to his feet.
"Yes it does," said Pippin as he walked behind the counter of the bar and bringing out a mop and pail, "and you're going to clean it up."
"Aw Pip..."
"Do it." Pippin forced the mop into Frodo's arms and dropped the pail on the floor.
"Alright..." Frodo filled the pail with water from the pump outside and began to mop the poop-covered floor.
Pippin remembered all to well the events of the previous night, and knew that he badly need a bath and a new pair of trousers. As he made his way to the stairs, he heard a creek come from one of the doors in the corridor upstairs. The memory of the doll came back to him, but he shook it off.
As he was about to open his door, one of the doors slammed. Pippin turned, back pressed to the door, panting. He scanned the corridor before entering his room and locking the door.
Taking his sweaty hands off of the door and breathing a sigh of relief, Pippin turned and made his way to his closet and opened it, only to find that all of his trousers were dripping wet, along with all of his shirts and underpants.
"Merry..." Pippin whispered. He slammed his closet door in frustration Merry's deed. Pippin had been pranked back. Knowing that he couldn't last the day in the pissy clothes he was wearing, Pippin stripped down to his underpants, revealing his extremely tone body that he had adopted from his quest from the War of the Ring, and slung his clothes over his bare shoulder. He didn't trust carrying them in a bag that was probably tainted by Merry, and he smelled like pee anyway.
Pippin knew that going into the bathroom was taking a huge risk, but he had to. Using Legolas's bathroom wasn't an option. He opened the door slowly and stuck his head in to make sure the cost was clear.
As soon as he stepped foot in the room, his feet came out from under him and he skid across the bathroom floor into one of the cubbies that housed his soaps and foot-hair grooming tools
CRASH
Soap and combs flew as Pippin came to a sudden halt when he hit the cubbies. Luckily for him, the potion that Elrond have given actually did have some healing properties and his spleen was no longer bruised. (A/N: I'm healed!!)
As Pippin slowly crawled over to one of the wash bins and steadied himself on it, he could see the trail he had left on the freshly polished and soaped floor.
"Merry couldn't do this alone..." Pippin thought to himself. "Sam..."
Pippin turned himself around slowly while holding on to the wash bin, put his clothes into the bin, and lifted the lever that began pumping water into the bin. As the water hit the fine powder on the bottom of the bin, the potent smell of rotten eggs filled the room. Pippin was quickly driven out of the room on his hands and knees. He had a hard time finding the door, seeing that his eyes were blinded by tears. He gasped for breath as he closed the door and was rid of the smell. Then he remembered the water. Taking a deep breath, Pippin opened the door again and crawled as fast as he could to the bin. Of course he had to choose the bin that was furthest away from the door. Pip was two feet away from the bin by the time he could no longer see because of tearing. He fingered the bin and found the pump and pushed down, shutting off the water.
Quickly running out of air, Pippin scrambled for the door blindly. He couldn't hold it must longer...Through the tears he could see the faint image of the door. He risked getting to his feet and ran for the door, falling on his ass and sliding out of the room and into a wall.
BOOM
He quickly got to his feet and closed the door. As Pippin stood to his feet, he saw an eerie green vapor beginning to sneak out from the crack at the bottom of the door. He bolted for his room, but it was locked. A pair of very wet trousers was hanging on the handle. Pippin shrugged and put them on over his soapy underpants. The trousers fit snuggly, but not too tight. As he walked around, they stretched out again. As he did so, he realized that they were a little short on him, coming to about an inch or two below his knee.
Unfortunately, as they stretched, the waist became too loose to fit him. They slid down and hung around his hips. (A/N: much like most guys wear them today...it's a new hobbit fashion!)
Pippin franticly searched for suspenders in vain. He was still shirtless, but at least he had nothing to be embarrassed of.
He slowly made his way down the stairs, back pressed against the wall. As he peered around the corner, four eggs came flying at him from nowhere. He moved before he was plastered with them, letting the wall take the blow.
"This means war..." Pippin said to himself. He searched his pockets to see if there was anything in them that might be of use. All he found was a soaked tin of Elvin snuff. Pippin realized that the pants were Merry's seeing that Pippin didn't use snuff. Neither did Merry really, he just liked to impress the ladies occasionally when they came to the tavern. Let me stress the occasionally. It also explained why the pants fit so loosely on him and why they were so short. Pippin's girth was smaller than Merry's, and he was taller by an inch or two.
The water had turned the snuff into a thick black goop. Elvin snuff had originally been used as a substance to hold wood together, but when a man from Rohan accidentally let it dry, he found that it could be used as snuff.
Pippin dipped two fingers in the goo and rubbed it across both of his cheeks, leaving two black lines under his eyes. He also traced two lines on his upper arms. He closed the lid to the snuff box and pocketed it. Wiping the remainder of the goo on his pants, Pip pressed his back against the wall again and peered slowly around the corner.
Two more eggs came flying at him, but Pippin was more than ready. Knowing that his attackers would be busying themselves with reloading their ammo, Pippin seized his chance. He leaped down the last three stairs and bolted for the tables, ducking and weaving as more eggs splattered at his feet. As soon as he was safe behind one of the benches, he heard a voice come from his left.
"Pippin! Over here!"
It was Frodo. He was crouching behind one of the tables as well, only he didn't have the extra cover of the benches to shield him. Egg yolk was matted in his hair along with eggshell. Pippin stood up and ducked again as the next wave of eggs came. Again seizing his reloading delay chance, Pippin sprinted over to where Frodo was crouching. He promptly kicked the table over, just in time to shield a dozen eggs that were coming at them.
"Frodo! What happened?" Pippin said as he sat down to catch his breath.
"I was ambushed! Merry and Sam came charging downstairs, but not yelling or anything, and tipped one of the tables. I had no idea what they were doing, and when I asked, I was hit!" Frodo explained as he picked out bits of eggshell that were lodged in his hair.
Pippin scanned Frodo and saw what bad shape he was in. His shirt was actually torn from eggshell and one of his suspenders was hanging off his shoulder.
"Take off your shirt...if we are going to go to war with these two, we are going to do it right," Pippin said. (A/N: gutter guard)
"WHAT?!" Frodo yelled.
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
A barrage of eggs hit the table.
"Trust me Frodo. It's a prank war, and it's shirts against skins. Here," Pippin said as he handed the snuff box to Frodo, "put some of this on like I did. We're a team now."
"Okay..." Frodo unbuttoned his torn shirt and put it on the floor. Then he dipped his fingers into the snuff box and imitated Pippin's design. As Frodo checked to make sure that he looked like Pippin, he noticed that he was considerable scrawnier than his friend was.
"Right. Now we are hobbit warriors," Pippin said with such corniness that it was actually good.
"What must I do?" Frodo asked. Pippin gave him a drop-the-drama look.
"I mean, whadda we do now?"
"Well, eggshells and yolk won't do us much good. We need some sort of ammo..."
Pippin scanned the room, looking for something of use. His eyes fell of Legolas's bow. However, it was hanging a good three feet above where Pippin's head would be. He couldn't risk such a vulnerable position. As he looked around again, his eyes fell on the column that was behind them. It was the one that he and Frodo had slept against the night before. The crap that had seeped through Frodo's pants had solidified into solid clumps. There were about two small handfuls in all.
As Pippin's mind was twisting, Frodo was bobbing is head up and down as he peered over the edge of the table to see where Merry and Sam were. He finally spotted them, behind another over turned table, but not before a well-aimed throw from Merry hit home on his forehead.
SPLAT
Yolk dripped down onto his face and down onto his chest. He was rather glad that he wasn't wearing his shirt, for the yolk was easily cleaned off his chest with the discarded clothing. He wiped his face with it, finding that the snuff didn't come off with it.
"Pippin! I know where they are! Pippin? What are you doing?!" Frodo said in fright when he saw his friend collecting his feces.
"Making a plan," Pippin said with a smirk.
"And that would be..." Frodo asked.
"You'll see," Pippin said, smiling all the more. "Okay, what we need to do is flip all the tables on this side of the tavern. Then, we need to bring them all together to form a line. It will make a wall, and they will never know where we are."
"Good idea," said Frodo.
"Yea, so get to it," said Pippin.
"WHAT?!"
"You heard me."
"Fine..."
Pippin smiled again. What Frodo was doing wasn't only to build a mini- fort, but also to create a diversion. As Frodo bolted from table to table, flipping tables and dragging them together, Merry and Sam were pelting eggs at him.
"They have to run out soon..." Pippin thought. While Merry and Sam were preoccupied, Pippin commando-crawled over to the bar. Merry and Sam didn't even see him. Frodo's dried turds were in his pocket.
A skill that often went unsung to other that Pippin possessed was an uncanny ability of accuracy with a slingshot. He always kept one under the counter for safety, and now, it was needed. Pippin stood up once he was inside the bar since his head didn't clear the counter. He found the slingshot and broke the feces in half. He placed a small piece in a thin pig bladder along with a bit of strong whisky and fine powder that was identical to the powder that drove him out of the bathroom. Before the powder began to fizz, Pippin tied the bladder with a piece of string and loaded it into the slingshot. He quickly stood up on the ledge inside the bar and took aim at Merry and Sam.
The bladder was expanding quickly, which would make for a rather large explosion of poop and foul smelling green vapor when it hit. Pippin breathed in and shot.
The bladder hit with full force on Merry's head, but it wasn't full enough to burst.
"Oh shite," Pippin whispered. Merry and Sam stopped attacking Frodo, who was just finishing, and looked down at the swelling bladder. They looked over at Pippin and laughed.
"Oh, is that the best you can do Pip?" Merry jeered.
"Gaffer could do better!" Sam yelled.
As the two hobbits were busy taunting Pippin, the bladder swelled more and more. Pippin knew this and smiled.
"Hey what are you so happy about?" yelled Merry.
Pippin smiled bigger and jumped down from the ledge and yelled to Frodo "GET DOWN!"
Merry and Sam looked at each other, then at the swelling bladder. They gave each other a look of terror before the mini-bomb went off.
BA-BANG!
The liquid feces, whisky, and green vapor splattered all over the two hobbits and all of the tavern within a ten yard radius. The powder that Pippin put in with the whiskey had a slight explosive effect. Merry and Sam's eyebrows were singed and were thrown back four or five feet. Pippin seized his chance.
"ATTACK!!!!" he yelled as he changed out from the bar and tackled Merry, who was trying to get to his feet. Frodo did likewise.
"HA! Who's punk'd now?" Pippin yelled as he placed Merry in a headlock. Merry fought, but he was no match for Pippin's deadlock grip. He squirmed to little effect. Meanwhile, Frodo was trying to do the same to Sam, but was sorely loosing. It was so pathetic that Sam just sat down on the floor while Frodo tried to pin him down.
Back at the ranch...
Merry had given up to Pippin now, who's muscles were bulging as he kept Merry in check. (Sorry, I had to say that...sexy Pippin...)
"Okay okay! I'm punk'd! You win!" Merry whined.
Pippin let go of Merry. Merry held out his hand and Pippin shook it.
"Well done Merry," said Pippin.
"You too Pip."
Frodo stopped trying to tackle Sam and said, "What's going on?"
"It's a truce now. This battle of the Prank War is over," Merry explained.
"Now, we join and attack our next victim," added Pippin.
"Who would that be?" Sam asked as he stood up.
"Legolas," Merry said, turning his head towards the stairs.
"It's never been done before. We have never been able to catch him off guard before," Pippin said, as if telling an urban legend.
"But with you two, we can punk the elf like we have never punk'd before," Merry said with a twinkle in his eye.
"What must I do?" Frodo said. Pippin gave him the drop-the-drama look again.
"I mean, whadda we do?"
"We can't just walk in there and prank him like that...this is going to take some planning," Merry said.
"What kind of planning?" Sam asked.
"That was a half-assed question Sam. We have maps of Legolas's room all planned out to aid us, but they aren't updated with the new booby traps," Pippin said.
"Booby traps?!" Frodo said, alarmed.
"Don't worry, they won't kill you if you're quick," Merry said, winking at Pippin, who smiled back.
"KILL?!" Sam barely whispered.
"Fear not Sam. We got your back!" Pippin said, patting Sam on the back. He swallowed hard.
"Come on Sam! It'll be fun!" Frodo said with nervous cheerfulness.
Merry walked behind the counter of the bar and retrieved a roll of parchment and a quill.
"Right, now what we need is a plan..."
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Hope you like! I know it's a cliff hanger, but at least it's not as bad as the one from the matrix reloaded. Man, I was sooo pissed when I saw "to be concluded". Anyway, if you have any ideas for pranking Legolas, please post them so that I might use them! I have a few in mind, but I need more!
Love and peace
court