****Alrighty. This is it. The hobbits are going to try and punk Legolas.
How will this turn out? Will they get away with it, or will Legolas
decorate the tavern with their heads? Nobody reviewed to tell me what they
wanted to have happen to Legolas, so I went ahead to write this cos I have
some ideas that may give you a few chuckles. And we have a special
guest(s) this chapter! Anyway, enjoy!****
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The Hunted
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Peregrin Took was fully aware of the situation. He knew it was dangerous. So dangerous in fact, that he knew that there might actually be bodily harm done in the process, but if he and the other hobbits could pull off their master plan, it would be worth every broken bone, every arrow-wound.
Merry had finished his plan. The materials were simple and too the point. He paced around the room as he explained for the last time what their master plan was.
"Right. First and foremost, we need to get him downstairs to the pub. Drunken elves will do almost anything for at least the full thirty minutes of the peek of their drunken state. Legolas stays a little more sober than most elves, so I'm guessing that we are going to have twenty minutes to get this done."
Pippin (still shirtless), Sam (covered in eggs and smoke), and Frodo (who was wearing a pair of Merry's borrowed trousers after taking a shower) were sitting at the pub with their backs to the bar and their elbows resting on the counter. Pippin understood exactly what he was supposed to do, but Frodo and Sam were having a tough time.
"So when do I get to wax his boots?" said Frodo, practically jumping in his seat.
"I'll get to that in a minute!" Merry said, exasperated, for this was not the first time Frodo had asked.
"Just remember that Mr. Frodo isn't going anywhere without me!" Sam said.
"Wrong, Sam," Merry said, giving Sam the eye. "You're going to do exactly what I tell you to do, or Frodo might not be here tomorrow."
"Alright..." Sam shuffled his feet a little and cast a warning glace at Frodo.
"I'll be fine Sam," Frodo said, reassuring him with a smile. Sam felt a little better and listened as Merry finished his explanation.
"As I was saying, we are going to have about twenty minutes to do this. Pippin, I'll let you explain Operation Shampoo after I explain Operation Intoxication," Merry said.
"Yes, sir!" Pippin threw up a mock salute, and Merry returned it.
"Frodo, our job is to..."
"Wax his boots!" said Frodo, jumping too much in excitement and falling out of his chair.
BAM
"Frodo!" Merry said in a harsh whisper. "The last thing we need is for him to come downstairs and seeing what we are doing!"
The four listened for a moment, but the floorboards above their heads remained uncreeking.
Frodo picked himself up and hopped back in his chair.
"Anyway, we need to get Legolas drunk as soon as possible. That means that you have to drink as well. I'll have a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of ginger ale under the counter," Merry explained as he held up the two bottles.
"I get to have the whiskey right?" Frodo said eagerly.
"No, you get to have the ginger ale," Merry said, putting the bottles down.
"But I want whiskey!"
"Nope."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No."
"With sugar on top?"
"NO DAMNIT!"
Frodo sunk in his chair, disappointed.
"Frodo, you can't wax Legolas's shoes if you are drunk!"
"OH!" Frodo said as his eyes widened in understanding.
"You understand now?" Merry asked. Frodo nodded. "Good. While we are getting Legolas shit-faced, Sam will be hiding Legolas's bow. Now Sam, where are you going to hide it?"
"Under this floorboard," said Sam as he lifted a loose piece of wood up from the floor. There was a small chamber underneath it that was about two feet deep and large enough for the bow to rest easily. In it were arrows, satchels, and a couple of knives that Merry and Pippin had already lifted from Legolas. It was on the hobbit side of the bar, and Legolas never sat there for the lack of comfort owing to his height.
"Then, Frodo you get to---"
"WAX HIS BOOTS!" Frodo practically yelled.
"Exactly! I'll coax him into taking off his boots. But before you can wax them Frodo, I'm going to put a special lotion inside of them. Okay?"
Frodo nodded, and continued to nod until he was stopped by Sam.
"Good," said Merry. He then turned to Pippin. "After I get him tanked, it's all in your hands from there mate. You explain it to Sam and Frodo."
"Right," said Pippin, getting out of his chair and rubbing his hands together. "Sam, after you have hidden Legolas's bow, meet up with me by the stairs. When Legos gets drunk, all he cares about is more beer or whiskey. He might even flirt with Merry, so---"
"HEY!" Merry jumped to alertness as he was resting in his chair. "That is NOT something that I want to have repeated!"
"From what I hear, Legolas was hitting on you pretty good last night."
"WHO TOLD YOU THAT!"
"A little birdy."
"A little birdy my ass..." said Merry as he resumed his seat.
"Well then...anyway, when we get to Legos's room, we're going to have a quick recap of what booby traps we know of," Pippin said, picking up the map that was lying down on the counter.
"Can we go over it one more time before then?" Sam asked, squirming in his seat.
"Sure, have a look." Pippin handed the map to Sam.
"Thanks."
Sam spread the map out on one of the tables (which were all right side up now) to examine it.
It was simply drawn. Legolas's room was completely safe with the exception of his closet, but his bathroom was another matter. Before even setting foot inside, the doorknob had to be turned a quarter to the left, a quarter to the right, open, closed, then opened again. If not, then when he and Pippin walked inside they would be barraged by mini-arrows, then a portcullis would lower itself before one could even reach the sink, which was six feet away from the door.
The goal was about twenty feet away from the door: the shower. Once inside the shower, they were safe no matter what. Legolas wouldn't do anything that might endanger his shower. Located inside the shower were the targets: hair care products and soaps.
Pippin had mixed a special potion that had effects that he would not share with Sam. He felt a little distraught that Pippin couldn't trust him, but he figured that he would learn soon enough.
"Got everything?" asked Pippin as he was looking over Sam's shoulder.
"I think so," replied Sam.
"Just remember that there will probably be more traps than what is there. But the most deadly are defiantly on the map."
Sam swallowed hard. "Deadly?"
"Just messing with ya, Sam," said Pippin as he pat Sam on the back.
Sam's voice quavered. "Right..."
"Hey, Merry." Pippin tapped Merry on the shoulder as he was still explaining to Frodo exactly what was going to happen to Legolas's boots before he could wax them.
"Yeap?"
"So where is the bugger? If we are going to punk him he needs to be down here."
"Well, judging by the screams I heard last night, I would say that you wet his bed as well," Merry said as Pippin shuffled his feet. "So he'll probably be washing his sheets in his bathroom...which is perfect because most of his booby traps will probably be off since he is in there."
"True. But how are we going to get him down here?" Pippin asked.
"Well you can't go up. In fact, I would be sitting by the fire until I get him tanked. Maybe I'll send Sam up. Or Frodo...no, Frodo would ruin it..." Merry trailed on, wondering who should go to retrieve Legolas.
"Could I be of some assistance?" came a voice from the door. Everyone looked to where the voice had come from and was startled.
"Gandalf!" cried Frodo, who ran over to hug the wizard. "It's wonderful to see you!"
"Ummmm...Frodo, my dear boy, what did I tell you about the difference in the slang of the time before and after the War of the Ring?" Gandalf said, ruffling the hobbit's hair.
"Oh, right!" Frodo said with sudden cheeriness. "Wat up dawg!"
"You're hopeless..." said Gandalf as he proceeded to remove his traveling cloak. In doing so, he revealed that his old gray robes had replaced his white ones that he had worn years before.
"Gandalf? What happened to your nice white robes?" Pippin asked.
"Fool of a Took! Do you have anything better to do than reprimand me on my attire? Are you implying that these robes are not NICE enough for you?"
"No, sir..." Pippin walked behind the bar and poured himself an ale. For some reason or another, getting chided by Gandalf was one of the few things that Pippin didn't handle very well.
"And who are you to be talking, young Peregrin? You haven't even got a shirt over yourself!" Gandalf said, gesticulating to Pippin's bare chest.
"It's a long story, Gandalf. Have a seat," said Merry, pulling up one of the larger chairs.
"Thank you Meriadoc. Nice to see that at least one of you two has matured since I last saw you."
Pippin was now sulking behind the counter.
"Oh Peregrin, get that look off your face. You know I'm just messing with your head."
Pippin smiled and took another swig of his ale.
"So Mr. Gandalf sir, where have you been over the years?" asked Sam, leaning in keenly.
"Well...I've been back to the Misty Mountains. I've been to Moria to check up on Gimli."
"How is he doing by the way?" asked Merry.
"Very well. Moria is prospering once more."
"Good."
"Go on!" urged Sam.
"Right...I went to Rivendell and stopped by Bree before coming here."
"That can't be all!" whined Sam.
"Oh yes it can if I want it to be Samwise Gamgee! Now for our sake and sanity SHUT UP!" Gandalf roared. Sam cowered and sunk in his chair. "Now after you humiliate Legolas and threaten your lives, I brought some fireworks with me---"
Merry and Pippin caught each others eye, but Gandalf, too tired and weary from his journey, didn't notice.
"---and I'll set some off if the four of you live through the next two days."
"Well that's great and all, but will you go get Legolas now? It's getting late and we have been planning all day," Pippin asked. Gandalf glared at him as Pippin sunk into a chair, sipping his ale meekly.
"Fool of a Took, of course I will. I'm looking forward to this as much as you are!" And with that, Gandalf went up the stairs and out of sight.
"Do you think it's gonna work?" asked Sam.
"Of course it will, now that Gandalf's here!" Frodo said.
"Things can go wrong even when Gandalf's around Frodo," said Merry.
"True," said Pippin, shuttering as the terrible memories of Moria came back to him for a split second.
"Did you hear that about the fireworks Pip?" Merry asked with a huge grin and a twinkle in his eye. Pippin quickly scrabbled around in Gandalf's bag, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He finished what he was doing and closed the bag.
"No, I was staring at the ceiling, shitting myself and paying no attention whatsoever...of course I heard him! We're going to have to lift a few before he leaves."
"Here they come!" said Sam, looking towards the stairs.
Pippin ran and sat in one of the high-backed chairs that were facing the fire so that Legolas wouldn't be able to see him.
"---and so I wake up and I'm thinking, by Mordor, I've wet bed! And...and...and..."
Legolas was sobbing uncontrollably as Gandalf helped him down the stairs, one by one.
"There, there Legolas...it wasn't you, was it? Three guesses it was that fool of a Took, Peregrin," Gandalf said, reaching the last step.
"I-i-i-it w-w-was!"
"Well, I shall deal with him later," said Gandalf, glancing over at the fireplace, where Pippin was sinking extremely low in his chair.
"W-w-w-where is that s-s-s-stupid hobbit! I'll k-k-kill him!" shouted Legolas, stumbling around madly.
"We'll look for him later, Legolas. Come, have a drink with the other, more mature hobbits."
"O-o-o-okay."
Merry, Sam, and Frodo all smiled at Legolas, trying to comfort him.
"Aw, Legolas. S'ok, we need to get him back too. He wet all our beds too," said Merry, pouring Gandalf and Legolas whiskey and Frodo, Sam, and himself ginger ale.
"He didn't wet mine, I didn't sleep in a bed," said Frodo, crossing his arms.
"Oh shut up Frodo," said Merry, handing out the mugs out to his fellow hobbits and the big-folk. Sam just sipped at his ginger ale, which he actually thought was whiskey.
"Merry! This isn't whiskey, this is---MPHMMMPH!!"
Merry and Frodo had both quickly placed their hands over Sam's mouth.
Back in the corner, Pippin muttered to himself, "Stupid Sam...he'll ruin everything..."
Traveling back over to the bar now..
"W-w-what was that S-s-sam?" Legolas said through his sobs and swigs.
"Nothing," Merry, Sam, and Frodo sharply said simultaneously.
"Okay...*HIC*..." Legolas was now hiccupping due to the fact that he was drinking his whiskey by the gulp. His whiskey was quickly downed in a matter of seconds.
"So, Gandalf," started Merry, "what's the word from Aragorn?"
"Last I heard he was on his way here," Gandalf said casually, sipping at his whiskey.
"WHAT?!" yelled Merry and Pippin: Pippin, forgetting about hiding and standing up in alarm. He promptly sat down when Legolas turned. Gandalf and Frodo, who were sitting on either side of him, quickly turned him back around. The whiskey was already having effect on him, so he shrugged and started on his second pint.
"Gandalf," Legolas whispered in the wizard's ear, "'Tis the fair elf maiden that I met last night!"
"Where?" said Gandalf, finishing his whiskey and lighting his pipe.
"Right there! The bartendress...she's beautiful..." said Legolas as he got lost in his own thoughts. Sam and Frodo, as well as Merry, could easily hear what the elf was saying. Sam looked away and suppressed his giggles, and Merry started watering down Legolas's whiskeys. In fact, Legolas was so loud that Pippin's laughter was audible, but the elf was oblivious. Frodo heard it as well, got down from his seat, went behind the bar, and began to melt the wax.
However, Pippin wasn't laughing at the fact that Legolas was hitting on Merry. It was the fact that Gandalf wasn't smoking his usual Old Tobey. He was smoking a very strong weed that was a combination of king's foil leaves and roots. King's foil was a favorite in Gondor, and it had grown on Pippin while he was there. When he ran out of leaves, he used the roots. He remained high the rest of the day. A few days later, he used a combination of the leaves and roots. He got in one puff before he was seeing dancing...
"Oh! Look at the dancing leprechauns!" yelled Gandalf, jumping in his seat.
"What?" said Merry, almost dropping the bottle of watered-down whiskey.
"There! Oh ho! And there!" Gandalf was pointing to invisible objects that were moving about the floor.
"Gandalf, whatever is in your pipe, please give me some before you leave," said Merry.
"Me too," said Sam.
"It's only Old Tobey! Ho ho!" said Gandalf, hooting in delight as the leprechauns started doing a jig.
"Only Old To---" Sam didn't finish his sentence, for he was interrupted by Legolas.
"Fair elf maiden, will you sail across the sea and live with me forever?" Legolas asked as he seized Merry's hand.
Upon hearing what Legolas was saying, Pippin decided that now was the right time to begin the plan. He got out of his seat and motioned to Sam to get the bow and hide it.
"I LOVE YOU!" yelled Legolas. Pippin doubled over in silent laughter as Sam easily hid Legolas's bow. Pippin picked up a satchel and slung it over his shoulder. Merry was frantic. He was being proposed to by an elf, and the only sane person in the room was an extremely high wizard.
Merry looked at the stairs and saw Sam and Pippin creeping up them. Just before they rounded the corner, Pippin gave him a mock solute and a look that said, "You're on your own!"
"Say, Legolas, would you like to take off your boots? I'm sure that you would be much more comfortable," said Merry, playing along with Legolas and lying down on the table.
"Of course, m'lady!" said Legolas, letting go of Merry's hand and shoving his boots into the hobbit's hands.
"I'll keep them behind the counter for you...hold on, I'll put them in a special place just for you!" said Merry, tapping Legolas on the nose with a wink. Merry jumped down from the bar and pulled out an unmarked bottle.
"That was priceless!" whispered Frodo.
"Yeah, well, just remember that it's all fake," said Merry, looking Frodo square in the eye. He poured all of the contents inside the boots and handed them to Frodo.
"What did you put in them?"
"You'll see," said Merry.
"Okay," said Frodo as he proceeded to put wax on the bottom of Legolas's boots. "Hey Merry?"
"Yep?" said Merry as he was climbing back onto the bar.
"Why am I waxing his boots?"
"You'll see."
"Okay."
Legolas was grinning like a fool, his eyes fixated on Merry.
"Elf maiden has a nice rack," said Legolas, practically drooling.
"Um...thanks..." said Merry, lying down again propping his head up with a hand. "Now, I heard that you were in the War of the Ring?"
"Of course I was! I saved the world!" said Legolas.
THUD
Gandalf had passed out on the floor.
"I thought he was getting too quiet..." Merry said to himself. Behind the bar, Frodo just shrugged and continued waxing.
"Handsome, do you think that you could put him on one of the couches over there?" asked Merry, batting his eyelashes at the elf.
"Of course, m'lady!" said Legolas. With astounding ease, he lifted the wizard and carried him in a crooked path to one of the couches and staggered back to the bar.
"If he can walk, then he isn't drunk enough..." thought Merry. He poured Legolas straight whiskey, and added a few extra drops of pure alcohol for good measure.
"So you were saying?" Merry said, lying down again as he handed Legolas his drink.
"So there we were in Moria..."
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Sam and Pippin quickly ran to Legolas's room. In his fits, he hadn't locked his door when Gandalf came to get him.
"Well that was easy," said Sam as they entered the room.
"Too easy, Sam," said Pippin. "Something isn't right..."
Pippin was all too wrong. Legolas was simply careless. This was their lucky day.
"Alright, I'll do the door," said Pippin as he turned the handle a quarter to the left, a quarter to the right, opened the door, closed it, and then opened it again. Sam and Pippin took a deep breath as they set foot into the bathroom. They closed their eyes as they took another step.
When none of the booby traps went off, they opened their eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. They walked casually towards the shower.
BOOM
The portcullis had closed behind them. Then they saw it: a single piece of string was tangled around Sam's foot. He had triggered the portcullis to come crashing down behind them.
"Damn it, stupid Sam!" Pippin yelled. Sam flinched. "If Legolas finds us trapped in here, we're in deep shit!"
"Sorry!" said Sam apologetically.
"Sorry isn't enough! All well, we need to get the job done." Pippin reached into his satchel and pulled out three bottles. Then, he opened the shower curtains.
"Tell me Pip, what do you need me for?" asked Sam.
"For this," said Pippin. "Get down on your hands and knees."
"What are you gonna do?" asked Sam.
"The bottles are too high for me to reach," said Pippin.
"But why do I have to bend down?" asked Sam.
"Because I'm taller! Now get down!"
"Oh," said Sam, as he got down on all fours. Pippin stood up on his back and fingered the two bottles that contained Legolas's shampoo and conditioners. He knocked them over one after the other onto the floor.
BANG
BANG
They didn't have time to see if Legolas had heard them or not. Pippin opened Legolas's bottles and emptied them down the drain. He then replaced them with the liquids that were in the three bottles that were in his satchel.
"What's in those bottles that you have?" asked Sam.
"Well, one is curling shampoo. The other is a pure oil/petroleum mix that will leave his hair greasy for days. I'm putting that in the conditioner bottle," explained Pippin.
"Won't he notice the different smell?"
"That's what the third bottle is for. It's a strawberry scented potion that will make anything it's mixed with smell like strawberries. Legolas only uses strawberry-smelling products."
"Oooooooohhhhhh!" said Sam.
"Done," said Pippin as he finished mixing the concoctions. "Now, get back down so I can put the bottles back."
Sam got back down on all fours as Pippin tipped the bottles back onto their self in the shower.
"Right. Now we need to figure out how to get out of here," said Pippin as he put the empty bottles back in his satchel and scanning the room.
"There is no way that we are going to be able to lift the portcullis," said Sam.
"No shit Sherlock," said Pippin.
"Sherlock again...who is Sherlock?" asked Sam.
"He's...never mind, just shut up for a minute," said Pippin. His eyes fell upon a small window. Pippin, being lean, would easily fit through, but he was worried about Sam. The hobbit's girth had increased since the last time he saw him.
"Sam, we're going to have to jump out the window," said Pippin.
"Isn't it a long way down?" asked Sam, worried.
"Kinda. Sorta. Not really. There are a lot of old table clothes outside right underneath this window. They got stained with a potion that exploded while Merry and I were messing with it and the blue and yellow never came out. It'll be a soft landing, don't worry," said Pippin.
"I guess it'll be okay..." said Sam.
"Of course it will. Now, hop in Legolas's shower and get yourself a little wet before going through the window," said Pippin as he began to unlatch the locks on the window. They opened to the outside to their luck.
"Why?" asked Sam.
"Because I'm worried that you won't fit Sam. You aren't skinny you know."
"Am I fat?"
"No."
"I'm fat!"
"No you're not Sam! I'm just skinny!"
"I'm fat!"
"Sam! You're like a hobbit should be!"
"Then why are you skinny?"
"Cos I spend all day shimmying up trees!"
"Oh."
"Now see? You just aren't meant to be skinny, okay?"
"Okay," said Sam, climbing into Legolas's shower and getting himself wet. Then he climbed into the window. As Pippin suspected, he got stuck around the middle. Pippin pushed Sam's feet, and luckily, fell out with ease. So much ease that Pippin fell out of the window with him, for he had been pushing rather hard. They both landed in a heap on the sheets.
Inside, only Merry and Frodo saw the two shapes fall from the sky.
BAMF
WHUMPH
Outside, Pippin and Sam groaned as they go to their feet.
"QUICK!" said Pippin as he realized that if Legolas turned, they would easily be seen. He grabbed Sam by the collar and dragged him around to the front of the house.
Back inside, Merry was still toying with Legolas.
"Oh, that was a wonderful story handsome! You must have killed THOUSANDS of orcs!"
"Naturally," said Legolas.
"Say, do you want your boots back now handsome?" asked Merry, looking over the counter and motioning Frodo.
"Sure, m'lady," said Legolas, rolling his head a bit. Frodo came around from the bar and put Legolas's waxed boots back on. As he was doing so, Legolas's eyes rolled back and he head fell to the counter.
BANG
The elf was sleeping like a baby.
Meanwhile, outside Pippin and Sam were sneaking back to the front of the tavern. As they rounded the corner, they heard a man's voice. They hid behind a bush and listened.
"The road goes ever on and on, out from the door where it began..."
The man began whistling as he tied his horse to one of the trees. His hair was shaggy, and his face unshaven. He wore the clothes of a Ranger, not those of the king that he was.
"Aragorn!" whispered Pippin. Sam nodded in excitement. They came out from hiding and greeted their friend.
"Aragorn!" yelled Pippin and Sam. They walked up to him and shook hands with the King of Gondor.
"Pippin! Sam! How have you been?" Aragorn asked.
"Great!" said Pippin, nudging Sam's bruised ribs. He winced in pain.
"How is the tavern? I've heard many good things about it!"
"Even better! Legolas and Gandalf are inside, though I'm afraid that you won't have much success in talking to them. Legolas is drunk and hitting on Merry again and I believe that Gandalf is passed out from weed on a couch," said Pippin, grinning.
"Oh really? Well, let me inside to have a drink. The road has been long," said Aragorn, heading for the door.
Inside, Legolas had awoken, sober as can be. Merry and Frodo were behind the bar, whispering. He heard something about "wax" and "shower". He rubbed his head and eyes. Then he snapped awake. Whenever he had gotten drunk, Merry and/or Pippin had always done something to him.
"Meriadoc, what have you done this time?" Legolas asked as he tried to stand up. He fell down. He heard a squeal behind the bar and the pitter patter of running feet.
"RUN!" yelled Merry.
Enraged, Legolas tried to stand up again. He fell, again.
BANG!
Outside, Pippin had just reached for the door handle when the door flung open, and Merry and Frodo came charging out at them, yelling.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" Frodo yelled. Merry grabbed Pippin by the arm and dragged him behind the tavern. Sam and Frodo followed. Aragorn, curious of what was going on, peered inside the tavern to see Legolas getting up, taking two steps, slipping, getting up, taking two steps, and slipping over and over again. The king fell in laughter as the elf finally reached the door.
"WHICH WAY DID THEY GO!" roared Legolas.
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Okay, I'm VERY sorry that I had to cut it off so short, but come on, I was at 15 pages and I have to get this posted
I hope you kept your mind out of the gutter with all the 'action' between Merry and Legolas. Merry was just trying to keep Legolas busy. DO NOT get anything in your mind HINTING to the fact that I'm making this a slash because it is NOT.
Ok, that's done.
I'll be getting in the aftermath of the pranking in the next chapter...or it might be the one after that, cos there will be some punishing of hobbits. I have to do that to make a certain person feel better (aisling...)
Anyway, I have a 3 day weekend, so I'll try to get the next chapter up sometime soon.
Love and peace,
court
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The Hunted
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Peregrin Took was fully aware of the situation. He knew it was dangerous. So dangerous in fact, that he knew that there might actually be bodily harm done in the process, but if he and the other hobbits could pull off their master plan, it would be worth every broken bone, every arrow-wound.
Merry had finished his plan. The materials were simple and too the point. He paced around the room as he explained for the last time what their master plan was.
"Right. First and foremost, we need to get him downstairs to the pub. Drunken elves will do almost anything for at least the full thirty minutes of the peek of their drunken state. Legolas stays a little more sober than most elves, so I'm guessing that we are going to have twenty minutes to get this done."
Pippin (still shirtless), Sam (covered in eggs and smoke), and Frodo (who was wearing a pair of Merry's borrowed trousers after taking a shower) were sitting at the pub with their backs to the bar and their elbows resting on the counter. Pippin understood exactly what he was supposed to do, but Frodo and Sam were having a tough time.
"So when do I get to wax his boots?" said Frodo, practically jumping in his seat.
"I'll get to that in a minute!" Merry said, exasperated, for this was not the first time Frodo had asked.
"Just remember that Mr. Frodo isn't going anywhere without me!" Sam said.
"Wrong, Sam," Merry said, giving Sam the eye. "You're going to do exactly what I tell you to do, or Frodo might not be here tomorrow."
"Alright..." Sam shuffled his feet a little and cast a warning glace at Frodo.
"I'll be fine Sam," Frodo said, reassuring him with a smile. Sam felt a little better and listened as Merry finished his explanation.
"As I was saying, we are going to have about twenty minutes to do this. Pippin, I'll let you explain Operation Shampoo after I explain Operation Intoxication," Merry said.
"Yes, sir!" Pippin threw up a mock salute, and Merry returned it.
"Frodo, our job is to..."
"Wax his boots!" said Frodo, jumping too much in excitement and falling out of his chair.
BAM
"Frodo!" Merry said in a harsh whisper. "The last thing we need is for him to come downstairs and seeing what we are doing!"
The four listened for a moment, but the floorboards above their heads remained uncreeking.
Frodo picked himself up and hopped back in his chair.
"Anyway, we need to get Legolas drunk as soon as possible. That means that you have to drink as well. I'll have a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of ginger ale under the counter," Merry explained as he held up the two bottles.
"I get to have the whiskey right?" Frodo said eagerly.
"No, you get to have the ginger ale," Merry said, putting the bottles down.
"But I want whiskey!"
"Nope."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No."
"With sugar on top?"
"NO DAMNIT!"
Frodo sunk in his chair, disappointed.
"Frodo, you can't wax Legolas's shoes if you are drunk!"
"OH!" Frodo said as his eyes widened in understanding.
"You understand now?" Merry asked. Frodo nodded. "Good. While we are getting Legolas shit-faced, Sam will be hiding Legolas's bow. Now Sam, where are you going to hide it?"
"Under this floorboard," said Sam as he lifted a loose piece of wood up from the floor. There was a small chamber underneath it that was about two feet deep and large enough for the bow to rest easily. In it were arrows, satchels, and a couple of knives that Merry and Pippin had already lifted from Legolas. It was on the hobbit side of the bar, and Legolas never sat there for the lack of comfort owing to his height.
"Then, Frodo you get to---"
"WAX HIS BOOTS!" Frodo practically yelled.
"Exactly! I'll coax him into taking off his boots. But before you can wax them Frodo, I'm going to put a special lotion inside of them. Okay?"
Frodo nodded, and continued to nod until he was stopped by Sam.
"Good," said Merry. He then turned to Pippin. "After I get him tanked, it's all in your hands from there mate. You explain it to Sam and Frodo."
"Right," said Pippin, getting out of his chair and rubbing his hands together. "Sam, after you have hidden Legolas's bow, meet up with me by the stairs. When Legos gets drunk, all he cares about is more beer or whiskey. He might even flirt with Merry, so---"
"HEY!" Merry jumped to alertness as he was resting in his chair. "That is NOT something that I want to have repeated!"
"From what I hear, Legolas was hitting on you pretty good last night."
"WHO TOLD YOU THAT!"
"A little birdy."
"A little birdy my ass..." said Merry as he resumed his seat.
"Well then...anyway, when we get to Legos's room, we're going to have a quick recap of what booby traps we know of," Pippin said, picking up the map that was lying down on the counter.
"Can we go over it one more time before then?" Sam asked, squirming in his seat.
"Sure, have a look." Pippin handed the map to Sam.
"Thanks."
Sam spread the map out on one of the tables (which were all right side up now) to examine it.
It was simply drawn. Legolas's room was completely safe with the exception of his closet, but his bathroom was another matter. Before even setting foot inside, the doorknob had to be turned a quarter to the left, a quarter to the right, open, closed, then opened again. If not, then when he and Pippin walked inside they would be barraged by mini-arrows, then a portcullis would lower itself before one could even reach the sink, which was six feet away from the door.
The goal was about twenty feet away from the door: the shower. Once inside the shower, they were safe no matter what. Legolas wouldn't do anything that might endanger his shower. Located inside the shower were the targets: hair care products and soaps.
Pippin had mixed a special potion that had effects that he would not share with Sam. He felt a little distraught that Pippin couldn't trust him, but he figured that he would learn soon enough.
"Got everything?" asked Pippin as he was looking over Sam's shoulder.
"I think so," replied Sam.
"Just remember that there will probably be more traps than what is there. But the most deadly are defiantly on the map."
Sam swallowed hard. "Deadly?"
"Just messing with ya, Sam," said Pippin as he pat Sam on the back.
Sam's voice quavered. "Right..."
"Hey, Merry." Pippin tapped Merry on the shoulder as he was still explaining to Frodo exactly what was going to happen to Legolas's boots before he could wax them.
"Yeap?"
"So where is the bugger? If we are going to punk him he needs to be down here."
"Well, judging by the screams I heard last night, I would say that you wet his bed as well," Merry said as Pippin shuffled his feet. "So he'll probably be washing his sheets in his bathroom...which is perfect because most of his booby traps will probably be off since he is in there."
"True. But how are we going to get him down here?" Pippin asked.
"Well you can't go up. In fact, I would be sitting by the fire until I get him tanked. Maybe I'll send Sam up. Or Frodo...no, Frodo would ruin it..." Merry trailed on, wondering who should go to retrieve Legolas.
"Could I be of some assistance?" came a voice from the door. Everyone looked to where the voice had come from and was startled.
"Gandalf!" cried Frodo, who ran over to hug the wizard. "It's wonderful to see you!"
"Ummmm...Frodo, my dear boy, what did I tell you about the difference in the slang of the time before and after the War of the Ring?" Gandalf said, ruffling the hobbit's hair.
"Oh, right!" Frodo said with sudden cheeriness. "Wat up dawg!"
"You're hopeless..." said Gandalf as he proceeded to remove his traveling cloak. In doing so, he revealed that his old gray robes had replaced his white ones that he had worn years before.
"Gandalf? What happened to your nice white robes?" Pippin asked.
"Fool of a Took! Do you have anything better to do than reprimand me on my attire? Are you implying that these robes are not NICE enough for you?"
"No, sir..." Pippin walked behind the bar and poured himself an ale. For some reason or another, getting chided by Gandalf was one of the few things that Pippin didn't handle very well.
"And who are you to be talking, young Peregrin? You haven't even got a shirt over yourself!" Gandalf said, gesticulating to Pippin's bare chest.
"It's a long story, Gandalf. Have a seat," said Merry, pulling up one of the larger chairs.
"Thank you Meriadoc. Nice to see that at least one of you two has matured since I last saw you."
Pippin was now sulking behind the counter.
"Oh Peregrin, get that look off your face. You know I'm just messing with your head."
Pippin smiled and took another swig of his ale.
"So Mr. Gandalf sir, where have you been over the years?" asked Sam, leaning in keenly.
"Well...I've been back to the Misty Mountains. I've been to Moria to check up on Gimli."
"How is he doing by the way?" asked Merry.
"Very well. Moria is prospering once more."
"Good."
"Go on!" urged Sam.
"Right...I went to Rivendell and stopped by Bree before coming here."
"That can't be all!" whined Sam.
"Oh yes it can if I want it to be Samwise Gamgee! Now for our sake and sanity SHUT UP!" Gandalf roared. Sam cowered and sunk in his chair. "Now after you humiliate Legolas and threaten your lives, I brought some fireworks with me---"
Merry and Pippin caught each others eye, but Gandalf, too tired and weary from his journey, didn't notice.
"---and I'll set some off if the four of you live through the next two days."
"Well that's great and all, but will you go get Legolas now? It's getting late and we have been planning all day," Pippin asked. Gandalf glared at him as Pippin sunk into a chair, sipping his ale meekly.
"Fool of a Took, of course I will. I'm looking forward to this as much as you are!" And with that, Gandalf went up the stairs and out of sight.
"Do you think it's gonna work?" asked Sam.
"Of course it will, now that Gandalf's here!" Frodo said.
"Things can go wrong even when Gandalf's around Frodo," said Merry.
"True," said Pippin, shuttering as the terrible memories of Moria came back to him for a split second.
"Did you hear that about the fireworks Pip?" Merry asked with a huge grin and a twinkle in his eye. Pippin quickly scrabbled around in Gandalf's bag, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He finished what he was doing and closed the bag.
"No, I was staring at the ceiling, shitting myself and paying no attention whatsoever...of course I heard him! We're going to have to lift a few before he leaves."
"Here they come!" said Sam, looking towards the stairs.
Pippin ran and sat in one of the high-backed chairs that were facing the fire so that Legolas wouldn't be able to see him.
"---and so I wake up and I'm thinking, by Mordor, I've wet bed! And...and...and..."
Legolas was sobbing uncontrollably as Gandalf helped him down the stairs, one by one.
"There, there Legolas...it wasn't you, was it? Three guesses it was that fool of a Took, Peregrin," Gandalf said, reaching the last step.
"I-i-i-it w-w-was!"
"Well, I shall deal with him later," said Gandalf, glancing over at the fireplace, where Pippin was sinking extremely low in his chair.
"W-w-w-where is that s-s-s-stupid hobbit! I'll k-k-kill him!" shouted Legolas, stumbling around madly.
"We'll look for him later, Legolas. Come, have a drink with the other, more mature hobbits."
"O-o-o-okay."
Merry, Sam, and Frodo all smiled at Legolas, trying to comfort him.
"Aw, Legolas. S'ok, we need to get him back too. He wet all our beds too," said Merry, pouring Gandalf and Legolas whiskey and Frodo, Sam, and himself ginger ale.
"He didn't wet mine, I didn't sleep in a bed," said Frodo, crossing his arms.
"Oh shut up Frodo," said Merry, handing out the mugs out to his fellow hobbits and the big-folk. Sam just sipped at his ginger ale, which he actually thought was whiskey.
"Merry! This isn't whiskey, this is---MPHMMMPH!!"
Merry and Frodo had both quickly placed their hands over Sam's mouth.
Back in the corner, Pippin muttered to himself, "Stupid Sam...he'll ruin everything..."
Traveling back over to the bar now..
"W-w-what was that S-s-sam?" Legolas said through his sobs and swigs.
"Nothing," Merry, Sam, and Frodo sharply said simultaneously.
"Okay...*HIC*..." Legolas was now hiccupping due to the fact that he was drinking his whiskey by the gulp. His whiskey was quickly downed in a matter of seconds.
"So, Gandalf," started Merry, "what's the word from Aragorn?"
"Last I heard he was on his way here," Gandalf said casually, sipping at his whiskey.
"WHAT?!" yelled Merry and Pippin: Pippin, forgetting about hiding and standing up in alarm. He promptly sat down when Legolas turned. Gandalf and Frodo, who were sitting on either side of him, quickly turned him back around. The whiskey was already having effect on him, so he shrugged and started on his second pint.
"Gandalf," Legolas whispered in the wizard's ear, "'Tis the fair elf maiden that I met last night!"
"Where?" said Gandalf, finishing his whiskey and lighting his pipe.
"Right there! The bartendress...she's beautiful..." said Legolas as he got lost in his own thoughts. Sam and Frodo, as well as Merry, could easily hear what the elf was saying. Sam looked away and suppressed his giggles, and Merry started watering down Legolas's whiskeys. In fact, Legolas was so loud that Pippin's laughter was audible, but the elf was oblivious. Frodo heard it as well, got down from his seat, went behind the bar, and began to melt the wax.
However, Pippin wasn't laughing at the fact that Legolas was hitting on Merry. It was the fact that Gandalf wasn't smoking his usual Old Tobey. He was smoking a very strong weed that was a combination of king's foil leaves and roots. King's foil was a favorite in Gondor, and it had grown on Pippin while he was there. When he ran out of leaves, he used the roots. He remained high the rest of the day. A few days later, he used a combination of the leaves and roots. He got in one puff before he was seeing dancing...
"Oh! Look at the dancing leprechauns!" yelled Gandalf, jumping in his seat.
"What?" said Merry, almost dropping the bottle of watered-down whiskey.
"There! Oh ho! And there!" Gandalf was pointing to invisible objects that were moving about the floor.
"Gandalf, whatever is in your pipe, please give me some before you leave," said Merry.
"Me too," said Sam.
"It's only Old Tobey! Ho ho!" said Gandalf, hooting in delight as the leprechauns started doing a jig.
"Only Old To---" Sam didn't finish his sentence, for he was interrupted by Legolas.
"Fair elf maiden, will you sail across the sea and live with me forever?" Legolas asked as he seized Merry's hand.
Upon hearing what Legolas was saying, Pippin decided that now was the right time to begin the plan. He got out of his seat and motioned to Sam to get the bow and hide it.
"I LOVE YOU!" yelled Legolas. Pippin doubled over in silent laughter as Sam easily hid Legolas's bow. Pippin picked up a satchel and slung it over his shoulder. Merry was frantic. He was being proposed to by an elf, and the only sane person in the room was an extremely high wizard.
Merry looked at the stairs and saw Sam and Pippin creeping up them. Just before they rounded the corner, Pippin gave him a mock solute and a look that said, "You're on your own!"
"Say, Legolas, would you like to take off your boots? I'm sure that you would be much more comfortable," said Merry, playing along with Legolas and lying down on the table.
"Of course, m'lady!" said Legolas, letting go of Merry's hand and shoving his boots into the hobbit's hands.
"I'll keep them behind the counter for you...hold on, I'll put them in a special place just for you!" said Merry, tapping Legolas on the nose with a wink. Merry jumped down from the bar and pulled out an unmarked bottle.
"That was priceless!" whispered Frodo.
"Yeah, well, just remember that it's all fake," said Merry, looking Frodo square in the eye. He poured all of the contents inside the boots and handed them to Frodo.
"What did you put in them?"
"You'll see," said Merry.
"Okay," said Frodo as he proceeded to put wax on the bottom of Legolas's boots. "Hey Merry?"
"Yep?" said Merry as he was climbing back onto the bar.
"Why am I waxing his boots?"
"You'll see."
"Okay."
Legolas was grinning like a fool, his eyes fixated on Merry.
"Elf maiden has a nice rack," said Legolas, practically drooling.
"Um...thanks..." said Merry, lying down again propping his head up with a hand. "Now, I heard that you were in the War of the Ring?"
"Of course I was! I saved the world!" said Legolas.
THUD
Gandalf had passed out on the floor.
"I thought he was getting too quiet..." Merry said to himself. Behind the bar, Frodo just shrugged and continued waxing.
"Handsome, do you think that you could put him on one of the couches over there?" asked Merry, batting his eyelashes at the elf.
"Of course, m'lady!" said Legolas. With astounding ease, he lifted the wizard and carried him in a crooked path to one of the couches and staggered back to the bar.
"If he can walk, then he isn't drunk enough..." thought Merry. He poured Legolas straight whiskey, and added a few extra drops of pure alcohol for good measure.
"So you were saying?" Merry said, lying down again as he handed Legolas his drink.
"So there we were in Moria..."
************************************************************************
Sam and Pippin quickly ran to Legolas's room. In his fits, he hadn't locked his door when Gandalf came to get him.
"Well that was easy," said Sam as they entered the room.
"Too easy, Sam," said Pippin. "Something isn't right..."
Pippin was all too wrong. Legolas was simply careless. This was their lucky day.
"Alright, I'll do the door," said Pippin as he turned the handle a quarter to the left, a quarter to the right, opened the door, closed it, and then opened it again. Sam and Pippin took a deep breath as they set foot into the bathroom. They closed their eyes as they took another step.
When none of the booby traps went off, they opened their eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. They walked casually towards the shower.
BOOM
The portcullis had closed behind them. Then they saw it: a single piece of string was tangled around Sam's foot. He had triggered the portcullis to come crashing down behind them.
"Damn it, stupid Sam!" Pippin yelled. Sam flinched. "If Legolas finds us trapped in here, we're in deep shit!"
"Sorry!" said Sam apologetically.
"Sorry isn't enough! All well, we need to get the job done." Pippin reached into his satchel and pulled out three bottles. Then, he opened the shower curtains.
"Tell me Pip, what do you need me for?" asked Sam.
"For this," said Pippin. "Get down on your hands and knees."
"What are you gonna do?" asked Sam.
"The bottles are too high for me to reach," said Pippin.
"But why do I have to bend down?" asked Sam.
"Because I'm taller! Now get down!"
"Oh," said Sam, as he got down on all fours. Pippin stood up on his back and fingered the two bottles that contained Legolas's shampoo and conditioners. He knocked them over one after the other onto the floor.
BANG
BANG
They didn't have time to see if Legolas had heard them or not. Pippin opened Legolas's bottles and emptied them down the drain. He then replaced them with the liquids that were in the three bottles that were in his satchel.
"What's in those bottles that you have?" asked Sam.
"Well, one is curling shampoo. The other is a pure oil/petroleum mix that will leave his hair greasy for days. I'm putting that in the conditioner bottle," explained Pippin.
"Won't he notice the different smell?"
"That's what the third bottle is for. It's a strawberry scented potion that will make anything it's mixed with smell like strawberries. Legolas only uses strawberry-smelling products."
"Oooooooohhhhhh!" said Sam.
"Done," said Pippin as he finished mixing the concoctions. "Now, get back down so I can put the bottles back."
Sam got back down on all fours as Pippin tipped the bottles back onto their self in the shower.
"Right. Now we need to figure out how to get out of here," said Pippin as he put the empty bottles back in his satchel and scanning the room.
"There is no way that we are going to be able to lift the portcullis," said Sam.
"No shit Sherlock," said Pippin.
"Sherlock again...who is Sherlock?" asked Sam.
"He's...never mind, just shut up for a minute," said Pippin. His eyes fell upon a small window. Pippin, being lean, would easily fit through, but he was worried about Sam. The hobbit's girth had increased since the last time he saw him.
"Sam, we're going to have to jump out the window," said Pippin.
"Isn't it a long way down?" asked Sam, worried.
"Kinda. Sorta. Not really. There are a lot of old table clothes outside right underneath this window. They got stained with a potion that exploded while Merry and I were messing with it and the blue and yellow never came out. It'll be a soft landing, don't worry," said Pippin.
"I guess it'll be okay..." said Sam.
"Of course it will. Now, hop in Legolas's shower and get yourself a little wet before going through the window," said Pippin as he began to unlatch the locks on the window. They opened to the outside to their luck.
"Why?" asked Sam.
"Because I'm worried that you won't fit Sam. You aren't skinny you know."
"Am I fat?"
"No."
"I'm fat!"
"No you're not Sam! I'm just skinny!"
"I'm fat!"
"Sam! You're like a hobbit should be!"
"Then why are you skinny?"
"Cos I spend all day shimmying up trees!"
"Oh."
"Now see? You just aren't meant to be skinny, okay?"
"Okay," said Sam, climbing into Legolas's shower and getting himself wet. Then he climbed into the window. As Pippin suspected, he got stuck around the middle. Pippin pushed Sam's feet, and luckily, fell out with ease. So much ease that Pippin fell out of the window with him, for he had been pushing rather hard. They both landed in a heap on the sheets.
Inside, only Merry and Frodo saw the two shapes fall from the sky.
BAMF
WHUMPH
Outside, Pippin and Sam groaned as they go to their feet.
"QUICK!" said Pippin as he realized that if Legolas turned, they would easily be seen. He grabbed Sam by the collar and dragged him around to the front of the house.
Back inside, Merry was still toying with Legolas.
"Oh, that was a wonderful story handsome! You must have killed THOUSANDS of orcs!"
"Naturally," said Legolas.
"Say, do you want your boots back now handsome?" asked Merry, looking over the counter and motioning Frodo.
"Sure, m'lady," said Legolas, rolling his head a bit. Frodo came around from the bar and put Legolas's waxed boots back on. As he was doing so, Legolas's eyes rolled back and he head fell to the counter.
BANG
The elf was sleeping like a baby.
Meanwhile, outside Pippin and Sam were sneaking back to the front of the tavern. As they rounded the corner, they heard a man's voice. They hid behind a bush and listened.
"The road goes ever on and on, out from the door where it began..."
The man began whistling as he tied his horse to one of the trees. His hair was shaggy, and his face unshaven. He wore the clothes of a Ranger, not those of the king that he was.
"Aragorn!" whispered Pippin. Sam nodded in excitement. They came out from hiding and greeted their friend.
"Aragorn!" yelled Pippin and Sam. They walked up to him and shook hands with the King of Gondor.
"Pippin! Sam! How have you been?" Aragorn asked.
"Great!" said Pippin, nudging Sam's bruised ribs. He winced in pain.
"How is the tavern? I've heard many good things about it!"
"Even better! Legolas and Gandalf are inside, though I'm afraid that you won't have much success in talking to them. Legolas is drunk and hitting on Merry again and I believe that Gandalf is passed out from weed on a couch," said Pippin, grinning.
"Oh really? Well, let me inside to have a drink. The road has been long," said Aragorn, heading for the door.
Inside, Legolas had awoken, sober as can be. Merry and Frodo were behind the bar, whispering. He heard something about "wax" and "shower". He rubbed his head and eyes. Then he snapped awake. Whenever he had gotten drunk, Merry and/or Pippin had always done something to him.
"Meriadoc, what have you done this time?" Legolas asked as he tried to stand up. He fell down. He heard a squeal behind the bar and the pitter patter of running feet.
"RUN!" yelled Merry.
Enraged, Legolas tried to stand up again. He fell, again.
BANG!
Outside, Pippin had just reached for the door handle when the door flung open, and Merry and Frodo came charging out at them, yelling.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" Frodo yelled. Merry grabbed Pippin by the arm and dragged him behind the tavern. Sam and Frodo followed. Aragorn, curious of what was going on, peered inside the tavern to see Legolas getting up, taking two steps, slipping, getting up, taking two steps, and slipping over and over again. The king fell in laughter as the elf finally reached the door.
"WHICH WAY DID THEY GO!" roared Legolas.
************************************************************************
Okay, I'm VERY sorry that I had to cut it off so short, but come on, I was at 15 pages and I have to get this posted
I hope you kept your mind out of the gutter with all the 'action' between Merry and Legolas. Merry was just trying to keep Legolas busy. DO NOT get anything in your mind HINTING to the fact that I'm making this a slash because it is NOT.
Ok, that's done.
I'll be getting in the aftermath of the pranking in the next chapter...or it might be the one after that, cos there will be some punishing of hobbits. I have to do that to make a certain person feel better (aisling...)
Anyway, I have a 3 day weekend, so I'll try to get the next chapter up sometime soon.
Love and peace,
court