**Well hello! All of a sudden I start getting these e-mails with all of these great ideas! Thanks guys! I'm mixing some of the ideas sent to me with some of my own...hopefully this will be another mega-chapter like chapters 12 and 13 were...anyway, to all you Americans, happy 4th of July...to the rest of the sane world, happy...um...HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Yea, that's all I could think of. Sorry if that serves as a small consolation.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FF.net has messed with the formatting...so I think I'm going to have to break this into two chapters because it's so long….
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Lord Elrond of Rivendell surveyed the room briefly. His glance flicked to the outdoors as he spotted the trapped hobbit. With a wave of his wrist, the hobbit went souring into the air from out of the hardened mud and came in through an open window. The hobbit sat and began to pout.
As his eyes wandered from the pouting hobbit to the distraught elf that was curled in a ball to the wizard that was making faces at nobody, he began to scowl. The tavern flinched, and the curled elf shrieked and started rocking with his knees tucked into his chest. Lord Elrond, not knowing who the two elves or the pouting hobbit were, strode over to the curled elf and forced him to his feet, growing more angry with every passing second.
"HAVE YOU NO DIGNETY? FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU'RE AN ELF!" he roared. The elf turned his head, looking fearfully at the other elf for support. "LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!"
Pippin was still avoiding Elrond's gaze. Merry stood, petrified, not knowing what to do. Elrond, who was holding Pippin up merely by his shoulders, let go of the elf. Pippin fell in a slump on the floor.
"You're a pathetic waste of elf-flesh. What's you're name?" Elrond demanded. Pippin simply found a knot in the wood on the floor and stared at it. Throwing his arms in the air, the Elfin Lord gave up on the pathetic waste of elf-flesh'. He rounded on Legolas.
"And who are you? I've never seen you hanging around with this lot before," said Elrond, gentler, as if speaking to a child. After a flood of tears drained from Legolas's eyes, he responded.
"I-I-I...I'm L-L-L..."
"T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!" yelled Elrond. Ever the more frustrated, Elrond turned to Merry, apparently the only sane elf. Merry was frozen to where he stood after seeing what had been done to Pippin and Legolas. Elrond sighed and turned to Aragorn, who had two very frightened hobbits hugging his legs.
"Are you frightened?" asked Elrond to Frodo.
"Yes," he said.
"Not nearly frightened enough, I know what hunts you," said Elrond. Aragorn snorted on his ale and stood to his feet, knocking the hobbits off him.
"Yeah, you're hunting him, and that's MY LINE! Get your own! Your list of allies grows thin!" yelled Aragorn.
"Hey now!" snapped Elrond. Somewhere in the background, someone starting singing, "you're an All-star, get your game on, go play..." Elrond whipped around and Merry and Pippin stopping singing promptly. Pippin, who had forgotten his place for a moment, had a look of shock on his face, stood still for a second, and went back to rocking on the floor. "Pathetic..." muttered Elrond.
"So Aragorn, who are the two elves and the fat hobbit over there?" said Elrond. Legolas flinched as he was referred to as fat'. He couldn't take the ridicule anymore.
"I'm not a hobbit! Gandalf put a spell on us! The elves are really the hobbits Meriadoc and Peregrin! I'm Legolas of the Mirkwood Realm!" he cried. All motion stopped. Well, Gandalf was now sneaking out a window, but nobody cared enough to notice.
"You, this fat hobbit, you are Legolas? Surely you are joking!" said Elrond with a laugh.
"No! I am Legolas!" the 'fat' hobbit cried again.
"Really! He is!" piped up Merry, finally summoning his courage. "I'm Merry, and he's Pip-PIN!"
THUD
The last syllable in Pippin's name was said at a noticeably higher pitch due to the fact that Pippin had swung his friend's feet out from under him. Pippin was shaking. Elrond was smiling.
"Mr. Anderson..." Elrond said in his very-annoying-slow-as-crap-Smith voice.
"Mr. Anderson? Where?" Pippin said, looking around the room.
"I mean...Mr. Peregrin..." Elrond corrected in his very-annoying-slow-as-crap-Smith voice.
"I know what you're trying to do," said Pippin.
"I'm trying to free your mind," said Elrond.
"Wrong line, Elrond. In fact, wrong movie," said Pippin, forgetting his terror.
"Only hobbit...Aren't you supposed to be scared to death by me?" said Elrond as he whipped out his script.
"Nope," said Pippin defiantly.
"And why not?" said Elrond, now running his fingers across the pages of the script.
"Because I'm 'the One'," said Pippin. Everyone in the tavern stared. "No, I'm just shitting you. And I'm shitting myself, but I'm getting over Elrond. He's not so big and bad from up here."
Pippin was right. He was a good four inches taller than Elrond, who had just realized his error in trying to manipulate the hobbit'.
Pippin walked up to Elrond, a potent smell following him as he went. He looked down on the Elfin Lord. Merry too realized this, and stood by Pippin's side, an inch shorter than his friend. The two elves grinned. Evilly.
"Now, now, let's be reasonable!" said Elrond, backing up.
" 'Reasonable' ?" said Merry. "Pip, what does 'reasonable' mean?"
"Well, I don't know!" said Pippin. "Do you Merry?"
"Nope."
"Please! I'll never pick on you two again!" said Elrond, bending to his knees. Merry and Pippin, as well as Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, and Legolas, were stunned. Legolas screamed in protest.
"NOOOO! They're just hobbits in elf bodies! Don't do it!"
"Legolas, have you seen their biceps? Their pecs? Their abs? They can beat the shit outta me! Now you two," said Elrond, turning to the two menacing elves, Awhat do you want of me?"
Merry and Pippin had this planned for a very, very long time.
"We want you to...spspspspspsspspspspspsssspppsspspsps" said Pippin as he whispered in Elrond's ear. The Elfin Lord smiled and nodded. "Very well!" he said with a smile.
"Right, well, Pippin and I have matters to attend to---" started Merry.
"That have to do with a cart of fireworks! Good day!" said Pippin, and the two elves hurried out the door.
"What is it? What are you going to do for them?" asked Sam.
"He's going to sleep with your hoe in bed with Rosie!" said Frodo
DONK
Sam hit Frodo upside the head with his mug.
THUD
Frodo hit the floor. (duh...what was he gonna do, fly?)
"Thank you!" said Aragorn. "Now, tell us, what do you have to do!"
"My task is to give Legolas as much grief as he inflicted on the two hobbits Merry and Pippin, who are now big and strong elves...for the time being anyway," said Elrond. Legolas squeaked.
"NO! Please! I was kind to the hobbits! Honest!" he said, crawling on his hands and knees.
"I'm sure you were," said Elrond in a motherly voice.
"Really?" said Legolas out of disbelief.
"NO!" said Elrond, throwing up the floorboard he was standing on and drawing out a set of bow and arrows.
"My bow! THAT'S where it was!" said Legolas.
"Aragorn! Sam! Tie him up! It's time for a little TARGET PRACTICE!" yelled Elrond.
Aragorn and Sam stood up quickly, smiling. They had been waiting for this day since the Council of Elrond. Legolas let out a little "MEEP!" and ran. Elrond waved his arms once and all the doors and exits sealed themselves.
"Why didn't you use---oomph!--- magic on Merry and Pippin?" said Legolas as he dodged Sam, who dove for his legs.
"Because elfish magic doesn't work on elves!" said Elrond, sending a bolt of lightning after Legolas's heals. He meeped' again. As Legolas was watching to see where Elrond was going to cast his next spell, he wasn't watching where he was going. Aragorn was ready for him.
A damp cloth went over Legolas's face, and the world spun until it went dark...
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(can this really be page 5? I feel like I've written 10 pages.....maybe it's just me.....)
Meanwhile, we travel outside to where Merry and Pippin are conjuring up their mischief.
"Is anyone around?"
"I don't think so."
"Check again, we don't need anyone to ruin the surprise'."
"Checking.....Okay, all clear, let's do it."
"It's nice not to have to give each other a leg up into the cart this time huh?"
"Sure is.....jumping in gave me a bruise for a week."
"Alright, grab a dozen and we'll set them off near the windows."
"As if I need to be told."
"Let's do it."
The two elves, holding as many fireworks as their large and burly arms could handle. What they didn't know was that Gandalf was following them, using one of his spells to camouflage himself in the brush.
"Hehehehehehe....."
The wizard giggled in spite of himself.
"What was that?" said Merry in a hushed whisper.
"Nothing, it was the trees.....keep moving!" said Pippin, nudging his friend in the back. They reached the windows with no further problems.
"Pip?"
"Yeah Merry?"
"Do you smell that?"
"It wasn't me."
"No, not that. THAT."
"What?"
"Don't you smell it? It's sweet."
"Yeah.....now I do. What is it?"
"I dunno."
"Wait.....it's my pipe weed! They're smoking my pipe weed in there!"
"No one's smoking in there Pip. Elrond is just chasing Legolas around."
"Then is someone smoking it outside then?"
"Duh."
"Who isn't inside?"
"Well, there's Elrond and Legolas of course. There's Aragorn, and Sam and Frodo too. Gandalf is still on the---"
"No he's not! It's Gand----"
Pippin's sentence was cut short by a squeaky and stoned voice from behind them.
"KaDabRA AbrA!"
BA BA BOOM BOOM BOOM BA BOOM CRACK BA BOOM!
Gandalf's spell hit one of the fireworks, and the sparks of that one sent the others alight.
"EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" yelled Pippin as his pants caught fire. The fire was immediately doused by some invisible force that leaked out from his groin.
The two elves were thrown in opposite directions as the rest of the explosives exploded in their arms. Their faces were ashen and hair burned. It was now only a couple inches long. Merry and Pippin felt over themselves to make sure they weren't hurt. When their hands reached their heads, they were bewildered to not find any hair until they reached their ears. Their eyes met.
"Hey, not a bad hair job Pip!" yelled Merry over the roar of the fireworks, which had now set lose the fireworks in Gandalf's cart. Everyone in the tavern (with the exception of Legolas) had their faces pressed to the windows.
"Looks good on you Mer!" Pippin yelled back.
CRASH
On of the fireworks crashed into the tavern, setting loose several firework-butterflies. They fluttered about as those in the tavern stared on in wonder.
BOOM
Another firework went off in the tavern, but this one was not so kind. It covered everyone in there with green slime.
"Elrond! You must do something!" yelled Aragorn.
"I can't!"
"Why not?!"
"My magic can't stop a wizard's!"
"WHAT?"
"But our magic can!" yelled Pippin. He winked at Merry as he stood up from the ground. Merry got up as well and the two elves made their way to the exploding cart, ducking and weaving as fireworks went off.
"What are they going to do?" asked Frodo.
"I didn't know they could do magic!" said Sam.
"Neither did I....." said Elrond and Aragorn.
To answer their questions, Merry and Pippin prepared to release their magic.
"Ready Pip?"
"You bet."
Merry and Pippin let down their pants to their ankles. What they were doing, no body could be sure, but they were holding their hands in front of them as if they were holding something in front of their groins.
"Are they???"
"Do you think they really are??"
"What the hell??"
"Are they.....PISSING?"
Sure enough, Merry and Pippin moved to avoid a firework and revealed themselves for a brief moment. (Billy and Dom lovers, stop it! I know what you're thinking! No! Big no-no!) As soon as the coast was clear, they moved themselves back into position so that all the tavern could see was their lovely elfish asses.
"Merry! I think it's working!" said Pippin.
"Of course it's working! Keep moving!" said Merry as he swung his hands around in a small circle, sending spray over still-exploding fireworks. Pippin followed suit and sure enough, the exploding stopped, and a silence fell over Fool's Paradise.
"DamN YoU....." came Gandalf's squeaking voice. He fell in a slump to the floor as he fainted yet again.
"So tell me Pip," said Merry as he pulled up his pants, "how did you stop your knickers from totally catching on fire?"
Pippin blushed as he too pulled up his pants. Then all was revealed.
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go to the next chapter to read the rest...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FF.net has messed with the formatting...so I think I'm going to have to break this into two chapters because it's so long….
*********************************************************
Lord Elrond of Rivendell surveyed the room briefly. His glance flicked to the outdoors as he spotted the trapped hobbit. With a wave of his wrist, the hobbit went souring into the air from out of the hardened mud and came in through an open window. The hobbit sat and began to pout.
As his eyes wandered from the pouting hobbit to the distraught elf that was curled in a ball to the wizard that was making faces at nobody, he began to scowl. The tavern flinched, and the curled elf shrieked and started rocking with his knees tucked into his chest. Lord Elrond, not knowing who the two elves or the pouting hobbit were, strode over to the curled elf and forced him to his feet, growing more angry with every passing second.
"HAVE YOU NO DIGNETY? FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU'RE AN ELF!" he roared. The elf turned his head, looking fearfully at the other elf for support. "LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!"
Pippin was still avoiding Elrond's gaze. Merry stood, petrified, not knowing what to do. Elrond, who was holding Pippin up merely by his shoulders, let go of the elf. Pippin fell in a slump on the floor.
"You're a pathetic waste of elf-flesh. What's you're name?" Elrond demanded. Pippin simply found a knot in the wood on the floor and stared at it. Throwing his arms in the air, the Elfin Lord gave up on the pathetic waste of elf-flesh'. He rounded on Legolas.
"And who are you? I've never seen you hanging around with this lot before," said Elrond, gentler, as if speaking to a child. After a flood of tears drained from Legolas's eyes, he responded.
"I-I-I...I'm L-L-L..."
"T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!" yelled Elrond. Ever the more frustrated, Elrond turned to Merry, apparently the only sane elf. Merry was frozen to where he stood after seeing what had been done to Pippin and Legolas. Elrond sighed and turned to Aragorn, who had two very frightened hobbits hugging his legs.
"Are you frightened?" asked Elrond to Frodo.
"Yes," he said.
"Not nearly frightened enough, I know what hunts you," said Elrond. Aragorn snorted on his ale and stood to his feet, knocking the hobbits off him.
"Yeah, you're hunting him, and that's MY LINE! Get your own! Your list of allies grows thin!" yelled Aragorn.
"Hey now!" snapped Elrond. Somewhere in the background, someone starting singing, "you're an All-star, get your game on, go play..." Elrond whipped around and Merry and Pippin stopping singing promptly. Pippin, who had forgotten his place for a moment, had a look of shock on his face, stood still for a second, and went back to rocking on the floor. "Pathetic..." muttered Elrond.
"So Aragorn, who are the two elves and the fat hobbit over there?" said Elrond. Legolas flinched as he was referred to as fat'. He couldn't take the ridicule anymore.
"I'm not a hobbit! Gandalf put a spell on us! The elves are really the hobbits Meriadoc and Peregrin! I'm Legolas of the Mirkwood Realm!" he cried. All motion stopped. Well, Gandalf was now sneaking out a window, but nobody cared enough to notice.
"You, this fat hobbit, you are Legolas? Surely you are joking!" said Elrond with a laugh.
"No! I am Legolas!" the 'fat' hobbit cried again.
"Really! He is!" piped up Merry, finally summoning his courage. "I'm Merry, and he's Pip-PIN!"
THUD
The last syllable in Pippin's name was said at a noticeably higher pitch due to the fact that Pippin had swung his friend's feet out from under him. Pippin was shaking. Elrond was smiling.
"Mr. Anderson..." Elrond said in his very-annoying-slow-as-crap-Smith voice.
"Mr. Anderson? Where?" Pippin said, looking around the room.
"I mean...Mr. Peregrin..." Elrond corrected in his very-annoying-slow-as-crap-Smith voice.
"I know what you're trying to do," said Pippin.
"I'm trying to free your mind," said Elrond.
"Wrong line, Elrond. In fact, wrong movie," said Pippin, forgetting his terror.
"Only hobbit...Aren't you supposed to be scared to death by me?" said Elrond as he whipped out his script.
"Nope," said Pippin defiantly.
"And why not?" said Elrond, now running his fingers across the pages of the script.
"Because I'm 'the One'," said Pippin. Everyone in the tavern stared. "No, I'm just shitting you. And I'm shitting myself, but I'm getting over Elrond. He's not so big and bad from up here."
Pippin was right. He was a good four inches taller than Elrond, who had just realized his error in trying to manipulate the hobbit'.
Pippin walked up to Elrond, a potent smell following him as he went. He looked down on the Elfin Lord. Merry too realized this, and stood by Pippin's side, an inch shorter than his friend. The two elves grinned. Evilly.
"Now, now, let's be reasonable!" said Elrond, backing up.
" 'Reasonable' ?" said Merry. "Pip, what does 'reasonable' mean?"
"Well, I don't know!" said Pippin. "Do you Merry?"
"Nope."
"Please! I'll never pick on you two again!" said Elrond, bending to his knees. Merry and Pippin, as well as Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, and Legolas, were stunned. Legolas screamed in protest.
"NOOOO! They're just hobbits in elf bodies! Don't do it!"
"Legolas, have you seen their biceps? Their pecs? Their abs? They can beat the shit outta me! Now you two," said Elrond, turning to the two menacing elves, Awhat do you want of me?"
Merry and Pippin had this planned for a very, very long time.
"We want you to...spspspspspsspspspspspsssspppsspspsps" said Pippin as he whispered in Elrond's ear. The Elfin Lord smiled and nodded. "Very well!" he said with a smile.
"Right, well, Pippin and I have matters to attend to---" started Merry.
"That have to do with a cart of fireworks! Good day!" said Pippin, and the two elves hurried out the door.
"What is it? What are you going to do for them?" asked Sam.
"He's going to sleep with your hoe in bed with Rosie!" said Frodo
DONK
Sam hit Frodo upside the head with his mug.
THUD
Frodo hit the floor. (duh...what was he gonna do, fly?)
"Thank you!" said Aragorn. "Now, tell us, what do you have to do!"
"My task is to give Legolas as much grief as he inflicted on the two hobbits Merry and Pippin, who are now big and strong elves...for the time being anyway," said Elrond. Legolas squeaked.
"NO! Please! I was kind to the hobbits! Honest!" he said, crawling on his hands and knees.
"I'm sure you were," said Elrond in a motherly voice.
"Really?" said Legolas out of disbelief.
"NO!" said Elrond, throwing up the floorboard he was standing on and drawing out a set of bow and arrows.
"My bow! THAT'S where it was!" said Legolas.
"Aragorn! Sam! Tie him up! It's time for a little TARGET PRACTICE!" yelled Elrond.
Aragorn and Sam stood up quickly, smiling. They had been waiting for this day since the Council of Elrond. Legolas let out a little "MEEP!" and ran. Elrond waved his arms once and all the doors and exits sealed themselves.
"Why didn't you use---oomph!--- magic on Merry and Pippin?" said Legolas as he dodged Sam, who dove for his legs.
"Because elfish magic doesn't work on elves!" said Elrond, sending a bolt of lightning after Legolas's heals. He meeped' again. As Legolas was watching to see where Elrond was going to cast his next spell, he wasn't watching where he was going. Aragorn was ready for him.
A damp cloth went over Legolas's face, and the world spun until it went dark...
********************************************************************
(can this really be page 5? I feel like I've written 10 pages.....maybe it's just me.....)
Meanwhile, we travel outside to where Merry and Pippin are conjuring up their mischief.
"Is anyone around?"
"I don't think so."
"Check again, we don't need anyone to ruin the surprise'."
"Checking.....Okay, all clear, let's do it."
"It's nice not to have to give each other a leg up into the cart this time huh?"
"Sure is.....jumping in gave me a bruise for a week."
"Alright, grab a dozen and we'll set them off near the windows."
"As if I need to be told."
"Let's do it."
The two elves, holding as many fireworks as their large and burly arms could handle. What they didn't know was that Gandalf was following them, using one of his spells to camouflage himself in the brush.
"Hehehehehehe....."
The wizard giggled in spite of himself.
"What was that?" said Merry in a hushed whisper.
"Nothing, it was the trees.....keep moving!" said Pippin, nudging his friend in the back. They reached the windows with no further problems.
"Pip?"
"Yeah Merry?"
"Do you smell that?"
"It wasn't me."
"No, not that. THAT."
"What?"
"Don't you smell it? It's sweet."
"Yeah.....now I do. What is it?"
"I dunno."
"Wait.....it's my pipe weed! They're smoking my pipe weed in there!"
"No one's smoking in there Pip. Elrond is just chasing Legolas around."
"Then is someone smoking it outside then?"
"Duh."
"Who isn't inside?"
"Well, there's Elrond and Legolas of course. There's Aragorn, and Sam and Frodo too. Gandalf is still on the---"
"No he's not! It's Gand----"
Pippin's sentence was cut short by a squeaky and stoned voice from behind them.
"KaDabRA AbrA!"
BA BA BOOM BOOM BOOM BA BOOM CRACK BA BOOM!
Gandalf's spell hit one of the fireworks, and the sparks of that one sent the others alight.
"EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" yelled Pippin as his pants caught fire. The fire was immediately doused by some invisible force that leaked out from his groin.
The two elves were thrown in opposite directions as the rest of the explosives exploded in their arms. Their faces were ashen and hair burned. It was now only a couple inches long. Merry and Pippin felt over themselves to make sure they weren't hurt. When their hands reached their heads, they were bewildered to not find any hair until they reached their ears. Their eyes met.
"Hey, not a bad hair job Pip!" yelled Merry over the roar of the fireworks, which had now set lose the fireworks in Gandalf's cart. Everyone in the tavern (with the exception of Legolas) had their faces pressed to the windows.
"Looks good on you Mer!" Pippin yelled back.
CRASH
On of the fireworks crashed into the tavern, setting loose several firework-butterflies. They fluttered about as those in the tavern stared on in wonder.
BOOM
Another firework went off in the tavern, but this one was not so kind. It covered everyone in there with green slime.
"Elrond! You must do something!" yelled Aragorn.
"I can't!"
"Why not?!"
"My magic can't stop a wizard's!"
"WHAT?"
"But our magic can!" yelled Pippin. He winked at Merry as he stood up from the ground. Merry got up as well and the two elves made their way to the exploding cart, ducking and weaving as fireworks went off.
"What are they going to do?" asked Frodo.
"I didn't know they could do magic!" said Sam.
"Neither did I....." said Elrond and Aragorn.
To answer their questions, Merry and Pippin prepared to release their magic.
"Ready Pip?"
"You bet."
Merry and Pippin let down their pants to their ankles. What they were doing, no body could be sure, but they were holding their hands in front of them as if they were holding something in front of their groins.
"Are they???"
"Do you think they really are??"
"What the hell??"
"Are they.....PISSING?"
Sure enough, Merry and Pippin moved to avoid a firework and revealed themselves for a brief moment. (Billy and Dom lovers, stop it! I know what you're thinking! No! Big no-no!) As soon as the coast was clear, they moved themselves back into position so that all the tavern could see was their lovely elfish asses.
"Merry! I think it's working!" said Pippin.
"Of course it's working! Keep moving!" said Merry as he swung his hands around in a small circle, sending spray over still-exploding fireworks. Pippin followed suit and sure enough, the exploding stopped, and a silence fell over Fool's Paradise.
"DamN YoU....." came Gandalf's squeaking voice. He fell in a slump to the floor as he fainted yet again.
"So tell me Pip," said Merry as he pulled up his pants, "how did you stop your knickers from totally catching on fire?"
Pippin blushed as he too pulled up his pants. Then all was revealed.
*********************************************************
go to the next chapter to read the rest...