**well, turns out that myself and a friend (legos) came up with this GREAT
idea to make fun of her sister and haze her (frosh) in a non-violent way
(do those words go together?). Anyway, I'm yet again to push back the
leaving of a major character...brainstorming came up and I wanna get this
stuff done before I have to push over to tears. Enjoy ^_^**
**************************************************************************** **
Lord Elrond of Rivendell, along with Gandalf and Aragorn, had finished talking about how completely idiotic Meriadoc, Peregrin, and Legolas were. When they walked inside, they stopped in their tracks when they found two elves and three hobbits sitting cross-legged in front of a big screen television, entranced.
What made Aragorn's and Gandalf's jaws drop was seeing what was on the television.
There the fellowship was, watching Gandalf struggle with the Balrong. Gandalf fell. Frodo screamed. Pippin was in Merry's arms, crying. Legolas was looking pretty much the same as always.
All were entranced. All except Elrond, who was mixing sugar and water for the 'potion'.
"How...how did they get this?" stuttered Pippin.
"It's exactly the way I remember it. Except different people. That's not us," said Merry.
"Of course it's not us...but who ARE they?" said Sam.
Frodo was pouting. "The eyes...the EYES! My..his...EYES! They're so...so...BIG!"
"But I bet they don't work...nobody can have eyes that blue without contacts!" said Pippin.
"Pip..." said Merry as he nudged Pippin, not taking his eyes off the screen. "What are contacts?"
"Oh come on! You know what they are!"
"I don't think I do."
"Yeah ya do!"
"Nope."
"Dude, are you telling me you don't know what contacts are?"
"Yes."
"See, you said yes. You know what contacts are. Good."
"Wait...what? I don't know what contacts are!"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Sam, Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf. Merry shrunk back a little in recoil and went back to watching the movie. The fellowship was now in Lothlorien (*sp?*).
"Gandalf...by what means of evil magic does this movie picture come about?" whispered Aragorn.
"Oh stop trying to act like that bloke in the movie who is trying to portray you. Obviously someone followed us while we were on our quest. But look at my character! Look at his nose! Do you think my nose is that big? Hmm?" said Gandalf. "And he isn't nearly high enough. I was smoking my pipe at least half the time that this movie takes place!"
"I think my character is rather handsome, thank you very much! And yes, your nose is as big as your character's, if not bigger!" snapped Aragorn.
Gandalf turned slowly to face the king. His scowl rivaled that of Elrond's...moderate scowls. But that's a pretty good scowl.
"Would you run that by me again? I do believe I heard you wrong. Maybe there is some wax in my ears I need to clean out." Gandalf stuck his fingers in his ears and twisted them and pulled them out. His two index fingers were a nasty shade of orange. Aragorn backed away, sensing what the wizard was going to do. Gandalf chuckled. He pointed his orange fingers over in Legolas's direction. Aragorn nodded.
Gandalf silently tip-toed over to Legolas. The wizard noticed that his hair was now straight at the roots. He was indeed changing back. As the wizard drew near, he could hear hobbit whispering under his breath. He was entranced as he watched his character run, jump, and shoot orcs onscreen.
"Nance...nance...shoot! Yes! Okay...nance...jump...stab...shoot! I love this guy, he's perfect! Just like me!"
Merry heard Legolas's comments.
"That git's about as pretty as my mother's feet."
"Well then I suppose your mother had lovely feet then, for this lad is beautiful! Just like me!"
"My mother had corns, warts, and blisters on her feet. The hair on her feet was a foot long when uncurled."
"I see you inherited those nasty traits."
"Have you looked at your feet lately?"
"What?"
"Look at your feet."
"No!"
"Scared?"
"Yes!"
"Fine."
Gandalf was almost doubled over with the effort of not laughing. He couldn't stand it anymore. He reached around Legolas's head from behind the hobbit and smeared the earwax on Legolas's cheeks.
"What the..." said Legolas as he reached towards his face to see what Gandalf had done. He pulled his hands away to see a thick orange substance on them. In a moment he knew.
"GRRROOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!"
"Dude, it's just earwax," said Merry.
"Just earwax? JUST EARWAX?"
"SHUT UP!" everybody yelled. Legolas shrunk, much like Merry, and wiped his face off with his shirt. He didn't want to miss a moment of the movie.
Finally, the movie ended. The only topic of discussion was the character interpretations of themselves.
"Am I really that fat?"
"Am I really that dirty?"
"Am I really that stupid?"
"Am I really with stupid?"
"Am I really that big-nosed?"
"Am I really that bug-eyed?"
"Am I really dressed in dresses?" Elrond commented last. Everyone turned to look at him.
"Never mind that! I have the potion ready!" he said.
"Hear, hear!" said Merry, Pippin, and Legolas.
"I'm ready for some revenge!"
"I'm ready for my bed!"
"I'm ready for...my bed too!"
Without a though about their food, the three downed their 'potions' like a shot of whiskey.
BANG BANG BANG
They slammed their mugs on the floor, as they were sitting, one after the other.
"Now," Elrond said, "the twenty-four hours begins!"
"WHAT?"
"What? It's not my fault you forgot to eat!"
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
"Sorry."
"But...those...those steaks!" pined Pippin.
"But...the whiskey!" pined Merry.
"But...wait what am I complaining about? I'm not hungry!" said Legolas.
"Pip...how are we gonna get through this?" Merry asked his friend.
"I dunno...wait it out I guess...watch the movie again?"
"Hell no! I can't bear seeing that person who was playing you on the screen! He looks to much like you and it's creepy!"
"Excuse me, but it's the same as you! Only his nose is bigger!"
"Bigger? Bigger? What about that Billy Boyd, eh? That accent?"
"It sounds just like mine idiot!"
"You're right. But he's so stupid in the movie!"
"Just like me!"
"HA!"
"I mean...shit, you got me. But look at you in that thing. Dominic Monaghan? What kind of a name is that? And how dare they cast someone taller than Billy! I'm a good two inches taller than you!"
"You're taller!"
"I've always been taller than you!"
"No, I mean, you did something!"
"No I didn't!"
"Yes you did!"
"Whoa...your hair!"
"What?" said Merry as he felt through it.
"It's curly again!"
"Yours is too!"
"Dude! We're changing back!"
"Dude! Legos is growing!"
"Shit!"
"Mua hahahahaha!"
"Shut up, we're still taller!"
"Damn."
"Dammit. The sugar in the water must have sped up the reaction time it takes for them to change back," said Elrond.
"Why....why.." said Gandalf and Aragorn. They had enjoyed the pint-sized Legolas, who was now at the hobbit's shoulders and still growing.
"STOP GROWING!" yelled Merry and Pippin as they tried to stop the hobbit/elf from growing by pushing down on his skull with their shrinking hands. Sam and Frodo watched in horror as Legolas was once again taller than the rest of the hobbits. Merry and Pippin's hands slid off from his head. Then everything stopped.
There stood three hobbit/elves. Merry and Pippin with their curly hair, and hairy feet, and overly large pants. Legolas with his straight hair and hairless feet and overly stretched trousers and shirt. However, something had not gone right.
Limbs were all out of proportion, along with facial features. Pippin's ears were twice as big as normal, and his left arm almost touched the floor. His right foot was at least four inches longer than his left.
Merry was in a similar state. His nose rivaled that of Gandalf's, and his hands were swollen like balloons. One of his legs was shorter than the other.
Legolas was by far in the worse condition. His ears were almost nonexistent. His hands were incredibly small, along with his nose. It was a mere button on his face. His feet were so small that he couldn't stand up anymore. The only exception to smallness of his feet were his second and fourth toes. They were normal sized and jutted out further than all the others. It was very awkward. However, he was taller than Merry and Pippin.
"What happened?" said Pippin as he inspected himself.
"Oh no...you don't think...Elrond made us drink to early?"
"I think I'll hang myself if I don't change back to myself...of course that will be AFTER I STRANGLE ELROND!"
"Now, now, no need to be hasty! It might only be a few seconds before the process continues!" begged Elrond as Merry and Pippin's mutated bodies advanced on him.
"Hell yeah we better change back!" said Pippin.
"I can't walk! Drag me over there so I can pound him!" said Legolas. Merry was helping Legolas when he realized that his hands had begun to shrink.
"Look! Pippin, look!"
"My foot! My arm!"
"What about ME!" said Legolas. Instead of growing, his limbs began to shrink again, and then stretch and swell. It was as if there was putty inside of him and it could not guess where to go next. His arms drained, and his feet swelled. Other things swelled...to the disgust of the tavern.
Merry and Pippin tried to control the swelling by grabbing onto the parts that swelled, only to push the mass into another location. Even while standing, Merry and Pippin were no more than three inches taller than Legolas when he was sitting down. They were completely back to normal.
"Stop it!"
"What?"
"Stop it!"
"Okay" they said, backing off from their squeezing.
"NO! I mean stop this! Stop the swelling! It's gone to my haw maws three times and they are about to kill me!"
"Haw maws?" said Merry.
"You don't wanna know," said Pippin.
"I'm sure I don't."
Merry and Pippin went back to squeezing as the tavern watched. Elrond quietly snuck out the back door. Little did anyone know that he was not to be seen at the tavern for many weeks to come.
Finally, the swelling stopped. The putty beneath Legolas's skin began to distribute itself. His nose grew back to normal. Slowly everything came back into proportion.
"Thank Havens!" Legolas stood up. He towered over everyone in the room, much to his delight. It was like being born again. As he rose, he saw the looks of terror on Merry and Pippin's faces as they shrunk with the ground. He stretched and waved his arms and shook his legs. Everything seemed to be in order.
"Much better. As for you two..." said Legolas as he looked down at Merry and Pippin.
"But...but...you said that you wouldn't do anything to us!" said Merry.
"Well that was then, this is now," said Legolas as he grabbed the two hobbits by their hair.
"OW OW OW OW OW OW!"
"Being a hobbit is so much fun isn't it?" said Legolas.
"But...you lied!" said Pippin.
"You lied! Being a hobbit was easy!"
"Bite my ass! Being a hobbit is and always will be harder than being an elf!"
Legolas lost his temper. He dragged the two hobbits, still by the hair, over to the coat rack and proceeded to give them both atomic wedgies by hanging them from it by the seat of their pants. Fortunately, the pants were too big for them and they were able to squirm out of them. Unfortunately they fell face first to the floor. More unfortunately, they were butt naked.
"So what happened to those useful tools in putting out the fire on Gandalf's cart?" said Legolas.
Merry and Pippin covered themselves in embarrassment as everyone in the tavern proceeded to laugh at them. It was true. They were not nearly as big as they used to be. Merry ran upstairs to get a pair of pants, but Pippin lingered for a moment. He thought for a moment, and then he balled his hands into fists. Before Legolas could react, he had a hobbit-kick in the groin.
"Still like being big?" laughed Pippin as he sprinted upstairs. He ran smack into Merry as he did so.
"Steady on!" Merry said as he was flung into the wall. When he saw Legolas curled in a ball on the floor, he laughed in spite of himself. "Anyway, I think those 'DVDs' are evil. I think we should smash them."
"No, don't do that," defended Gandalf.
"SMASH THEM!" yelled Frodo.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Sam. He pulled out a frying pan, but Frodo shied away and shut up.
"Geez Legos...so what happened?" said Merry as he walked over to the elf. Legolas held up a hand showing that he didn't need any help as he got to his feet gingerly and gasping. "Pip gotcha in the haw maws didn't he?"
Legolas nodded. "I don't think I deserved that."
"I thought you didn't know what haw maws were?" said Sam.
"It's not that hard to figure out."
"What are they then?"
"Oh come on Sam. Tell me you can put your noggin to a little use today?"
"I don't know!"
"COME ON!"
"Tell me!"
"Ok. They're something you don't have."
"A tan line?"
Merry rubbed his forehead with his hand. He remembered that his hair was much shorter than it was before.
"You're hopeless."
"I really don't think I deserved that. Cheap shot on Pippin's part," groaned Legolas.
"Well that sucks. But this is for all the doors you've slammed on me."
"OOPH!"
THUD
Merry landed on his butt as he landed from his flying kick into Legolas's...shins. The hobbit wasn't quite tall enough to reach Legolas's groin. Pippin was, as he had an extra two inches on him and an extra four inches on his vertical.
Legolas gasped. "I might have deserved that...." he said as he buckled to his knees.
"Yeah, I think you did," said Pippin for all to hear as he bounded down the stairs two by two, finally landing with a thud on the floor.
"You look like you're back to your old self Peregrin!" said Gandalf jovially.
"Yep! Being tall was a bit...unnerving," said Pippin. "It just didn't seem natural."
"It wasn't just unnerving to you. I'm so used to you being so short that I could squash you like a bug. Personally I'm glad you're short again. And don't ever let Gandalf get as high as he was again. Who knows what he'll do. Probably put something in the ales that will give you a tail or something," said Aragorn as he sipped his ale. Gandalf looked very smug indeed as he cracked a smile for all to see but Aragorn.
Slowly, two horns sprouted on top of his head. They were black, and rather dull, but horns nonetheless.
"Hey Aragorn!" said Merry, trying to hide his laughter and failing.
"What?"
"Feeling a little horny?" said Pippin.
"No, not really, no. I haven't seen Arwen or any women for that matter for three days...if you don't include those stupid fan girls that keep following me everywhere," said Aragorn.
"You sure?" said Elrond.
"Positive."
"Suit yourself."
Gandalf rummaged around his bag and took out a small amount of powder and put it in Aragorn's drink, much to the dismay of the hobbits, as they were rolling on the floor in silent tears.
"Look at them! You would think they were dying!" said Aragorn. "What are they saying anyway?"
"Sounds something like...hold on...Arahorn?"
"Arahorn?"
"Yep."
"Why Arahorn?"
"I wonder..." said Elrond.
Aragorn took a swig of his drink and scratched his head.
"WHOA!"
Aragorn leapt to his feet and immediately rounded on Gandalf.
"You son of a bitch! This is going to ruin my perfectly good manly looks!" he yelled as he pointed to his head.
"Well you've always been ugly, filthy human. Maybe these will help?" suggested Legolas.
"Shut up and go get a manicure!"
Legolas was shocked. Then he pouted.
"As for you..."
"Oh look! Stars!" said Gandalf.
"What are you talking about? I haven't hit you yet!"
"No! Stars!"
BANG-POOF!
And with a shower of stars, Gandalf was gone, as well as Elrond.
"What the hell? Where'd they go?"
"Back to Rivendell I suppose," said Legolas.
"Good," said Pippin as he got back on his feet. "Elrond never got a chance to go Agent Smith on me."
"Mmmrrrr. Aaannddeerrssoonn..."
"EEEEEEIIIIIIAAAAHHHHHHH!"
"HAHAHAHA!"
Merry was curled up in stitches as Pippin turned to see Elrond's imitator. Pippin laughed and tackled his friend, and the two were locked in epic battle as a knock came to the door.
"Answer---ah!---the door---ow!---Frodo!" yelled Pippin over Merry's 'ah's' and 'ouch's'. Merry pinned Pippin in a head lock. Pippin sunk to the floor and took out Merry's feet. The wrestling started all over again as Frodo made his way to the door.
"Wait! Mr. Frodo! Let me check the door!" said Sam.
"Alright..." said Frodo as he sighed. "Let me have one of your frying pans just incase there is an assailant waiting at the door," he said monotonously and sarcastically.
"Ok! Here's one!" said Sam as he pulled one out from the waist of his trousers. Frodo stared at him blankly.
"You have no life."
"I live for you Mr. Frodo!"
"That's not right."
"Um...ok?" said Sam, clearly not understanding. "Let me check the window."
"You do that."
Sam crept to the window and pushed aside one of the curtains.
BANG
THUD
Sam's limp body fell to the floor as he was knocked unconscious by Frodo's blow with Sam's frying pan. Merry and Pippin stopped their wrestling. Legolas and Arah...I mean Aragorn
"He did something right! Did you see that Pip! He actually did something right!"
"I saw!"
"Get the door Frodo!" yelled Pippin as he got Merry, unsuspecting, in a full nelson.
"OWOWOWOW!"
"Call uncle!"
"Uncle!"
"What?"
"UNCLE!"
"Ok," said Pippin as he let go of his hold on Merry. The door creaked as Frodo opened the door. It revealed a very gravened hobbit in the door. His hair was gray and his expression even more gray. Legolas and Aragorn sat straight up and listened to every word that followed in the next conversation.
"Seredic!" said Merry as he and Pippin rushed to the door to hug their uncle. "Why the long face? You look so glumb!"
"My how you've grown! Those in Buckland said I would find you here. Alas, today is a sad say indeed Meriadoc," said Seredic.
"How could it be sad? My favorite uncle has come to visit!" said Merry.
"What's that?" said Pippin, pointing to a rolled scroll in Uncle Seredic's hand.
"That's what I'm here for," said Seredic. "A letter from your father. I'm sorry I could not get it here sooner. You were aware of your father's illness?"
"What illness?" said Merry.
"Did you not get the letters?"
"What letters?"
"Your fathers sent letters by way of messenger," said Seredic.
"Wait," said Pippin. "Who did you send?"
"Ilberic."
"You mean that dimwit who has never even been out of Buckland?"
"Yes," said Seredic. "Why does that matter?"
"Did he cross where the signs at Shire and Stock meet?"
"Yes."
"When was the last letter sent?"
"About two weeks ago. Why does this matter?" said Seredic, extremely confused.
"Merry..." said Pippin, tears coming to his eyes.
"Pip...It's ok. It's not your fault..." said Merry as he tried to comfort his friend who had begun to cry and sink to his knees in spite of himself.
"But it is my fault!" he yelled over his chokes and tears. "You didn't think it was a good idea, but I did it anyway! It got us business, but now Saradoc is dying! And you didn't know, all because I was too stupid to not listen to you!"
"It's just as much as my fault as yours," piped Frodo.
Merry and Pippin turned to stare at him.
"Several letters came to Bag End looking for you. I told them I would bring the letters when I came to visit you. They're right here..." said Frodo as he produced four letters from his trousers. He handed them to Merry. "I should have gotten them to you sooner."
Merry opened the letter with the most current date. Exactly two weeks ago.
~Dear Meriadoc,
Your presence is greatly requested by your father Saradoc, Master of Buckland, in his time of great need. His time is very limited and greatly wishes to speak to you before he passes away. Please do not disregard this letter. Your father's health diminishes as we speak. Make haste. Listen to what your heart truly tells you, not what the ales that are pickling your brain tell you as you grow fat with greed in your tavern. May the grace and speed of the Elves be with you.
~Your mother,
Esmeralda Took-Brandybuck
**************************************************************************** ** Well that wasn't as bad as I thought. I finally got some free time to get this chapter done. Actually I have a history test tomorrow that I have done absolutely nothing for, but I just had to get this done an out of the way so that I can bring in the good stuff that I have planned. Anyway, I best get to studying before my mom chews me out.
Love and peace,
Court
**************************************************************************** **
Lord Elrond of Rivendell, along with Gandalf and Aragorn, had finished talking about how completely idiotic Meriadoc, Peregrin, and Legolas were. When they walked inside, they stopped in their tracks when they found two elves and three hobbits sitting cross-legged in front of a big screen television, entranced.
What made Aragorn's and Gandalf's jaws drop was seeing what was on the television.
There the fellowship was, watching Gandalf struggle with the Balrong. Gandalf fell. Frodo screamed. Pippin was in Merry's arms, crying. Legolas was looking pretty much the same as always.
All were entranced. All except Elrond, who was mixing sugar and water for the 'potion'.
"How...how did they get this?" stuttered Pippin.
"It's exactly the way I remember it. Except different people. That's not us," said Merry.
"Of course it's not us...but who ARE they?" said Sam.
Frodo was pouting. "The eyes...the EYES! My..his...EYES! They're so...so...BIG!"
"But I bet they don't work...nobody can have eyes that blue without contacts!" said Pippin.
"Pip..." said Merry as he nudged Pippin, not taking his eyes off the screen. "What are contacts?"
"Oh come on! You know what they are!"
"I don't think I do."
"Yeah ya do!"
"Nope."
"Dude, are you telling me you don't know what contacts are?"
"Yes."
"See, you said yes. You know what contacts are. Good."
"Wait...what? I don't know what contacts are!"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Sam, Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf. Merry shrunk back a little in recoil and went back to watching the movie. The fellowship was now in Lothlorien (*sp?*).
"Gandalf...by what means of evil magic does this movie picture come about?" whispered Aragorn.
"Oh stop trying to act like that bloke in the movie who is trying to portray you. Obviously someone followed us while we were on our quest. But look at my character! Look at his nose! Do you think my nose is that big? Hmm?" said Gandalf. "And he isn't nearly high enough. I was smoking my pipe at least half the time that this movie takes place!"
"I think my character is rather handsome, thank you very much! And yes, your nose is as big as your character's, if not bigger!" snapped Aragorn.
Gandalf turned slowly to face the king. His scowl rivaled that of Elrond's...moderate scowls. But that's a pretty good scowl.
"Would you run that by me again? I do believe I heard you wrong. Maybe there is some wax in my ears I need to clean out." Gandalf stuck his fingers in his ears and twisted them and pulled them out. His two index fingers were a nasty shade of orange. Aragorn backed away, sensing what the wizard was going to do. Gandalf chuckled. He pointed his orange fingers over in Legolas's direction. Aragorn nodded.
Gandalf silently tip-toed over to Legolas. The wizard noticed that his hair was now straight at the roots. He was indeed changing back. As the wizard drew near, he could hear hobbit whispering under his breath. He was entranced as he watched his character run, jump, and shoot orcs onscreen.
"Nance...nance...shoot! Yes! Okay...nance...jump...stab...shoot! I love this guy, he's perfect! Just like me!"
Merry heard Legolas's comments.
"That git's about as pretty as my mother's feet."
"Well then I suppose your mother had lovely feet then, for this lad is beautiful! Just like me!"
"My mother had corns, warts, and blisters on her feet. The hair on her feet was a foot long when uncurled."
"I see you inherited those nasty traits."
"Have you looked at your feet lately?"
"What?"
"Look at your feet."
"No!"
"Scared?"
"Yes!"
"Fine."
Gandalf was almost doubled over with the effort of not laughing. He couldn't stand it anymore. He reached around Legolas's head from behind the hobbit and smeared the earwax on Legolas's cheeks.
"What the..." said Legolas as he reached towards his face to see what Gandalf had done. He pulled his hands away to see a thick orange substance on them. In a moment he knew.
"GRRROOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!"
"Dude, it's just earwax," said Merry.
"Just earwax? JUST EARWAX?"
"SHUT UP!" everybody yelled. Legolas shrunk, much like Merry, and wiped his face off with his shirt. He didn't want to miss a moment of the movie.
Finally, the movie ended. The only topic of discussion was the character interpretations of themselves.
"Am I really that fat?"
"Am I really that dirty?"
"Am I really that stupid?"
"Am I really with stupid?"
"Am I really that big-nosed?"
"Am I really that bug-eyed?"
"Am I really dressed in dresses?" Elrond commented last. Everyone turned to look at him.
"Never mind that! I have the potion ready!" he said.
"Hear, hear!" said Merry, Pippin, and Legolas.
"I'm ready for some revenge!"
"I'm ready for my bed!"
"I'm ready for...my bed too!"
Without a though about their food, the three downed their 'potions' like a shot of whiskey.
BANG BANG BANG
They slammed their mugs on the floor, as they were sitting, one after the other.
"Now," Elrond said, "the twenty-four hours begins!"
"WHAT?"
"What? It's not my fault you forgot to eat!"
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
"Sorry."
"But...those...those steaks!" pined Pippin.
"But...the whiskey!" pined Merry.
"But...wait what am I complaining about? I'm not hungry!" said Legolas.
"Pip...how are we gonna get through this?" Merry asked his friend.
"I dunno...wait it out I guess...watch the movie again?"
"Hell no! I can't bear seeing that person who was playing you on the screen! He looks to much like you and it's creepy!"
"Excuse me, but it's the same as you! Only his nose is bigger!"
"Bigger? Bigger? What about that Billy Boyd, eh? That accent?"
"It sounds just like mine idiot!"
"You're right. But he's so stupid in the movie!"
"Just like me!"
"HA!"
"I mean...shit, you got me. But look at you in that thing. Dominic Monaghan? What kind of a name is that? And how dare they cast someone taller than Billy! I'm a good two inches taller than you!"
"You're taller!"
"I've always been taller than you!"
"No, I mean, you did something!"
"No I didn't!"
"Yes you did!"
"Whoa...your hair!"
"What?" said Merry as he felt through it.
"It's curly again!"
"Yours is too!"
"Dude! We're changing back!"
"Dude! Legos is growing!"
"Shit!"
"Mua hahahahaha!"
"Shut up, we're still taller!"
"Damn."
"Dammit. The sugar in the water must have sped up the reaction time it takes for them to change back," said Elrond.
"Why....why.." said Gandalf and Aragorn. They had enjoyed the pint-sized Legolas, who was now at the hobbit's shoulders and still growing.
"STOP GROWING!" yelled Merry and Pippin as they tried to stop the hobbit/elf from growing by pushing down on his skull with their shrinking hands. Sam and Frodo watched in horror as Legolas was once again taller than the rest of the hobbits. Merry and Pippin's hands slid off from his head. Then everything stopped.
There stood three hobbit/elves. Merry and Pippin with their curly hair, and hairy feet, and overly large pants. Legolas with his straight hair and hairless feet and overly stretched trousers and shirt. However, something had not gone right.
Limbs were all out of proportion, along with facial features. Pippin's ears were twice as big as normal, and his left arm almost touched the floor. His right foot was at least four inches longer than his left.
Merry was in a similar state. His nose rivaled that of Gandalf's, and his hands were swollen like balloons. One of his legs was shorter than the other.
Legolas was by far in the worse condition. His ears were almost nonexistent. His hands were incredibly small, along with his nose. It was a mere button on his face. His feet were so small that he couldn't stand up anymore. The only exception to smallness of his feet were his second and fourth toes. They were normal sized and jutted out further than all the others. It was very awkward. However, he was taller than Merry and Pippin.
"What happened?" said Pippin as he inspected himself.
"Oh no...you don't think...Elrond made us drink to early?"
"I think I'll hang myself if I don't change back to myself...of course that will be AFTER I STRANGLE ELROND!"
"Now, now, no need to be hasty! It might only be a few seconds before the process continues!" begged Elrond as Merry and Pippin's mutated bodies advanced on him.
"Hell yeah we better change back!" said Pippin.
"I can't walk! Drag me over there so I can pound him!" said Legolas. Merry was helping Legolas when he realized that his hands had begun to shrink.
"Look! Pippin, look!"
"My foot! My arm!"
"What about ME!" said Legolas. Instead of growing, his limbs began to shrink again, and then stretch and swell. It was as if there was putty inside of him and it could not guess where to go next. His arms drained, and his feet swelled. Other things swelled...to the disgust of the tavern.
Merry and Pippin tried to control the swelling by grabbing onto the parts that swelled, only to push the mass into another location. Even while standing, Merry and Pippin were no more than three inches taller than Legolas when he was sitting down. They were completely back to normal.
"Stop it!"
"What?"
"Stop it!"
"Okay" they said, backing off from their squeezing.
"NO! I mean stop this! Stop the swelling! It's gone to my haw maws three times and they are about to kill me!"
"Haw maws?" said Merry.
"You don't wanna know," said Pippin.
"I'm sure I don't."
Merry and Pippin went back to squeezing as the tavern watched. Elrond quietly snuck out the back door. Little did anyone know that he was not to be seen at the tavern for many weeks to come.
Finally, the swelling stopped. The putty beneath Legolas's skin began to distribute itself. His nose grew back to normal. Slowly everything came back into proportion.
"Thank Havens!" Legolas stood up. He towered over everyone in the room, much to his delight. It was like being born again. As he rose, he saw the looks of terror on Merry and Pippin's faces as they shrunk with the ground. He stretched and waved his arms and shook his legs. Everything seemed to be in order.
"Much better. As for you two..." said Legolas as he looked down at Merry and Pippin.
"But...but...you said that you wouldn't do anything to us!" said Merry.
"Well that was then, this is now," said Legolas as he grabbed the two hobbits by their hair.
"OW OW OW OW OW OW!"
"Being a hobbit is so much fun isn't it?" said Legolas.
"But...you lied!" said Pippin.
"You lied! Being a hobbit was easy!"
"Bite my ass! Being a hobbit is and always will be harder than being an elf!"
Legolas lost his temper. He dragged the two hobbits, still by the hair, over to the coat rack and proceeded to give them both atomic wedgies by hanging them from it by the seat of their pants. Fortunately, the pants were too big for them and they were able to squirm out of them. Unfortunately they fell face first to the floor. More unfortunately, they were butt naked.
"So what happened to those useful tools in putting out the fire on Gandalf's cart?" said Legolas.
Merry and Pippin covered themselves in embarrassment as everyone in the tavern proceeded to laugh at them. It was true. They were not nearly as big as they used to be. Merry ran upstairs to get a pair of pants, but Pippin lingered for a moment. He thought for a moment, and then he balled his hands into fists. Before Legolas could react, he had a hobbit-kick in the groin.
"Still like being big?" laughed Pippin as he sprinted upstairs. He ran smack into Merry as he did so.
"Steady on!" Merry said as he was flung into the wall. When he saw Legolas curled in a ball on the floor, he laughed in spite of himself. "Anyway, I think those 'DVDs' are evil. I think we should smash them."
"No, don't do that," defended Gandalf.
"SMASH THEM!" yelled Frodo.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Sam. He pulled out a frying pan, but Frodo shied away and shut up.
"Geez Legos...so what happened?" said Merry as he walked over to the elf. Legolas held up a hand showing that he didn't need any help as he got to his feet gingerly and gasping. "Pip gotcha in the haw maws didn't he?"
Legolas nodded. "I don't think I deserved that."
"I thought you didn't know what haw maws were?" said Sam.
"It's not that hard to figure out."
"What are they then?"
"Oh come on Sam. Tell me you can put your noggin to a little use today?"
"I don't know!"
"COME ON!"
"Tell me!"
"Ok. They're something you don't have."
"A tan line?"
Merry rubbed his forehead with his hand. He remembered that his hair was much shorter than it was before.
"You're hopeless."
"I really don't think I deserved that. Cheap shot on Pippin's part," groaned Legolas.
"Well that sucks. But this is for all the doors you've slammed on me."
"OOPH!"
THUD
Merry landed on his butt as he landed from his flying kick into Legolas's...shins. The hobbit wasn't quite tall enough to reach Legolas's groin. Pippin was, as he had an extra two inches on him and an extra four inches on his vertical.
Legolas gasped. "I might have deserved that...." he said as he buckled to his knees.
"Yeah, I think you did," said Pippin for all to hear as he bounded down the stairs two by two, finally landing with a thud on the floor.
"You look like you're back to your old self Peregrin!" said Gandalf jovially.
"Yep! Being tall was a bit...unnerving," said Pippin. "It just didn't seem natural."
"It wasn't just unnerving to you. I'm so used to you being so short that I could squash you like a bug. Personally I'm glad you're short again. And don't ever let Gandalf get as high as he was again. Who knows what he'll do. Probably put something in the ales that will give you a tail or something," said Aragorn as he sipped his ale. Gandalf looked very smug indeed as he cracked a smile for all to see but Aragorn.
Slowly, two horns sprouted on top of his head. They were black, and rather dull, but horns nonetheless.
"Hey Aragorn!" said Merry, trying to hide his laughter and failing.
"What?"
"Feeling a little horny?" said Pippin.
"No, not really, no. I haven't seen Arwen or any women for that matter for three days...if you don't include those stupid fan girls that keep following me everywhere," said Aragorn.
"You sure?" said Elrond.
"Positive."
"Suit yourself."
Gandalf rummaged around his bag and took out a small amount of powder and put it in Aragorn's drink, much to the dismay of the hobbits, as they were rolling on the floor in silent tears.
"Look at them! You would think they were dying!" said Aragorn. "What are they saying anyway?"
"Sounds something like...hold on...Arahorn?"
"Arahorn?"
"Yep."
"Why Arahorn?"
"I wonder..." said Elrond.
Aragorn took a swig of his drink and scratched his head.
"WHOA!"
Aragorn leapt to his feet and immediately rounded on Gandalf.
"You son of a bitch! This is going to ruin my perfectly good manly looks!" he yelled as he pointed to his head.
"Well you've always been ugly, filthy human. Maybe these will help?" suggested Legolas.
"Shut up and go get a manicure!"
Legolas was shocked. Then he pouted.
"As for you..."
"Oh look! Stars!" said Gandalf.
"What are you talking about? I haven't hit you yet!"
"No! Stars!"
BANG-POOF!
And with a shower of stars, Gandalf was gone, as well as Elrond.
"What the hell? Where'd they go?"
"Back to Rivendell I suppose," said Legolas.
"Good," said Pippin as he got back on his feet. "Elrond never got a chance to go Agent Smith on me."
"Mmmrrrr. Aaannddeerrssoonn..."
"EEEEEEIIIIIIAAAAHHHHHHH!"
"HAHAHAHA!"
Merry was curled up in stitches as Pippin turned to see Elrond's imitator. Pippin laughed and tackled his friend, and the two were locked in epic battle as a knock came to the door.
"Answer---ah!---the door---ow!---Frodo!" yelled Pippin over Merry's 'ah's' and 'ouch's'. Merry pinned Pippin in a head lock. Pippin sunk to the floor and took out Merry's feet. The wrestling started all over again as Frodo made his way to the door.
"Wait! Mr. Frodo! Let me check the door!" said Sam.
"Alright..." said Frodo as he sighed. "Let me have one of your frying pans just incase there is an assailant waiting at the door," he said monotonously and sarcastically.
"Ok! Here's one!" said Sam as he pulled one out from the waist of his trousers. Frodo stared at him blankly.
"You have no life."
"I live for you Mr. Frodo!"
"That's not right."
"Um...ok?" said Sam, clearly not understanding. "Let me check the window."
"You do that."
Sam crept to the window and pushed aside one of the curtains.
BANG
THUD
Sam's limp body fell to the floor as he was knocked unconscious by Frodo's blow with Sam's frying pan. Merry and Pippin stopped their wrestling. Legolas and Arah...I mean Aragorn
"He did something right! Did you see that Pip! He actually did something right!"
"I saw!"
"Get the door Frodo!" yelled Pippin as he got Merry, unsuspecting, in a full nelson.
"OWOWOWOW!"
"Call uncle!"
"Uncle!"
"What?"
"UNCLE!"
"Ok," said Pippin as he let go of his hold on Merry. The door creaked as Frodo opened the door. It revealed a very gravened hobbit in the door. His hair was gray and his expression even more gray. Legolas and Aragorn sat straight up and listened to every word that followed in the next conversation.
"Seredic!" said Merry as he and Pippin rushed to the door to hug their uncle. "Why the long face? You look so glumb!"
"My how you've grown! Those in Buckland said I would find you here. Alas, today is a sad say indeed Meriadoc," said Seredic.
"How could it be sad? My favorite uncle has come to visit!" said Merry.
"What's that?" said Pippin, pointing to a rolled scroll in Uncle Seredic's hand.
"That's what I'm here for," said Seredic. "A letter from your father. I'm sorry I could not get it here sooner. You were aware of your father's illness?"
"What illness?" said Merry.
"Did you not get the letters?"
"What letters?"
"Your fathers sent letters by way of messenger," said Seredic.
"Wait," said Pippin. "Who did you send?"
"Ilberic."
"You mean that dimwit who has never even been out of Buckland?"
"Yes," said Seredic. "Why does that matter?"
"Did he cross where the signs at Shire and Stock meet?"
"Yes."
"When was the last letter sent?"
"About two weeks ago. Why does this matter?" said Seredic, extremely confused.
"Merry..." said Pippin, tears coming to his eyes.
"Pip...It's ok. It's not your fault..." said Merry as he tried to comfort his friend who had begun to cry and sink to his knees in spite of himself.
"But it is my fault!" he yelled over his chokes and tears. "You didn't think it was a good idea, but I did it anyway! It got us business, but now Saradoc is dying! And you didn't know, all because I was too stupid to not listen to you!"
"It's just as much as my fault as yours," piped Frodo.
Merry and Pippin turned to stare at him.
"Several letters came to Bag End looking for you. I told them I would bring the letters when I came to visit you. They're right here..." said Frodo as he produced four letters from his trousers. He handed them to Merry. "I should have gotten them to you sooner."
Merry opened the letter with the most current date. Exactly two weeks ago.
~Dear Meriadoc,
Your presence is greatly requested by your father Saradoc, Master of Buckland, in his time of great need. His time is very limited and greatly wishes to speak to you before he passes away. Please do not disregard this letter. Your father's health diminishes as we speak. Make haste. Listen to what your heart truly tells you, not what the ales that are pickling your brain tell you as you grow fat with greed in your tavern. May the grace and speed of the Elves be with you.
~Your mother,
Esmeralda Took-Brandybuck
**************************************************************************** ** Well that wasn't as bad as I thought. I finally got some free time to get this chapter done. Actually I have a history test tomorrow that I have done absolutely nothing for, but I just had to get this done an out of the way so that I can bring in the good stuff that I have planned. Anyway, I best get to studying before my mom chews me out.
Love and peace,
Court