Okay, here lies my most. . . er. . . retarded story yet. What would happen if the X-Men crossed paths with Crankyankers? Chaos and more chaos! Sheer stupidity is so cool. Sorry if I offend anyone. Have fun and beware the Creeper!
Thursday, 2 p.m.
EVAN—Mr. Logan, Mr. Logan!
LOGAN—What the hell do you want, porcupine?
EVAN—I baked some special brownies! Want some? holds up a container
LOGAN-- sshhhink Leave the container with me.
EVAN—AH!!!!! Yessir, Mr. Logan! turns around to run and smacks into a wall
Logan shakes his head
LOGAN—Sweetness! The delicious chocolatley goodness of- hey it there pot in this? COOL!! mmmmmmrrrrrrrccccccccrrrrrraaaaahhhhhhh stuffing brownies in his face as fast as he can
ring ring
LOGAN—Is anyone gonna get that?
all is silent. One of those dust things you see in western flicks rolls down the hall
LOGAN—Oookay.
ring ring
LOGAN—Damnit!! Someone answer the phone!! still eating brownies, and clearly stoned
picking up the phone and wiping his mouth with his shirt sleeve
LOGAN—mmmmmmmrrrreeeeello??
CALLER—Hey Lady! How much for two tickets?
LOGAN—Tickets for what?
CALLER—Hey Lady! How much for two tickets?
LOGAN—If you mean tuition, you'll have to speak to Hank or Chuck. (it's professor X! duh)
CALLER—YAY!!
LOGAN—Hold on a sec.
CALLER—YAY!!
Logan steps over Evan and goes to the Professor's office
LOGAN—Chuck?
silence
LOGAN—Hey, professor, want some weed?
FLUSH
professor X comes wheeling out of the bathroom as fast as he can and does a 180 across the floor. He can't stop and he rolls through the door
PROFESSOR—HELP ME!! AHH!!!
LOGAN—WATCH OUT FOR THAT- Professor falls down the stairs and somehow lands in a conveniently placed trashcan
LOGAN—OOH! cringes
PROFESSOR- OUCHIES! My poor bald head!
LOGAN—Yeah, well, here's the phone.
PROFESSOR—Ah, thankyou.
ahem ahem
PROFESSOR—Hello and thankyou for calling Professor Charles Xavier's school for gifted youngsters! Professor Xavier speaking, how may I help you?
CALLER—Hey, Lady! How much for two tickets?
PROFESSOR—Well, er. . . the tuition is 500 per semester, so. . . it's up to you.
CALLER—Hey Lady!! How much for two tickets?
PROFESSOR—Erm. . . for the karaoke contest? shudders
CALLER—Hey lady! How much for two tickets?
PROFESSOR—Ten dollars.
CALLER—YAY! How much for three tickets?
PROFESSOR—fifteen dollars.
CALLER—YAY!! I can bring two of my friends! Hey Lady, how much for four tickets?
PROFESSOR—Twenty dollars, and I'm not a lady.
CALLER—YAY! I can bring two of my friends! Hey Lady, wanna be my friend?
PROFESSOR—I'm not a lady, and I don't wanna be your friend.
CALLER- YAY I HAVE A NEW FRIEND!
PROFESSOR- DAMNIT I DON'T WANNA!! Who is this?!
CALLER—Ed.
PROFESSOR—Ed who?
ED—Special Ed.
PROFESSOR—Well Special Ed, don't you ever call here again you understand?! By god if you do, I'll freaking kill you with my squishy squishy brain!
slams phone down
Meanwhile, in the Professor's bathroom. . .
LOGAN—AH MY GOD!!!!
Scott is tied up, shirtless. He has black marker streaks on him, that say 'I am Charles' love slave, spank me! Handcuffs, a whip, and scented candles are laying on the counter. Scott is crying like a baby. Hell, I would be too. I almost feel bad for him
SCOTT—HELP ME!! THE PROFESSOR IS SICK AND TWISTED!!
LOGAN—Oh my god, my eyes!
SCOTT—Hurry up damnit, he's coming back!!
shhhhhhiink
Logan cuts Scott loose and they run away together. . . to the kitchen to make more special brownies
SCOTT—Thanks Logan.
LOGAN—Sure Scott.
SCOTT—Where's Jean?
LOGAN—Oh um. . . glances around She killed herself.
SCOTT—WHAT?!
LOGAN—Yeah. She heard you were gay, and killed herself because she couldn't deal with it.
Scott begins to cry
SCOTT—I'm coming for you my love! runs and jumps out the window and over the cliff
LOGAN—Now to get rid of the redhead. Coool.
later on
KITTY—Hey Rogue, what are you doing?
ROGUE—I'm clipping my toenails.
KITTY- Why don't you just bite them? That's what I do, it saves time.
ROGUE—I'm not that flexible.
KITTY—Okay.
silence
ROGUE—You still in love with that Russian?
KITTY—Yeah. You still in love with the Cajun?
ROGUE—Yeah.
silence again. Frogs chirping in the background. Wait, do frogs chirp?No, they gribbit. Okie cue gribbiting in background
ring ring
ROGUE—hello?
ED—I got mail, yay!!
ROGUE—Wut?
ED—I got mail, yay!
ROGUE—Um, yeah, so do Ah.
KITTY- Like, who is it Rogue?
ROGUE—Ah dunno, Kit. Who is this?
ED—My name's Ed.
ROGUE—He says his name's Ed.
KITTY—Like Eddie's ice cream?
ROGUE—That's Edy's ice cream you dumb-ass.
KITTY- Oh. So like Ed who?
ROGUE—Ed wut?
Ed- Special Ed.
ROGUE—Oookay. Special Ed.
KITTY—What the hell?
Rogue is now angry mwahaha
ROGUE—Look here, ya yahoo! Ah'm sick of ya sayin' Ah got mail. Ah don't care! If ya got somethin' ta say, say it now!!
Ed- Guess what?
ROGUE—What?
ED—I got mail I got mail I got mail yay!!
ROGUE—Damnit shut up!
hangs up phone
ROGUE—Stupid prankcallers.
Kitty gets up with laptop
KITTY—Well okay then. If you like need me, I'll be downstairs working after I look up how to build a bomb on the internet.
ROGUE—What the hell?!
In the kitchen. . .
LOGAN—And the sugar is connected to the- egg yolk! Egg yolk's connected to the- flour! Flour's connected to the- chocolate chips! Chocolate chips connected to the- cookie pan! Cookie pan connected to the- wee-eed. . .
JEAN—Hi, Logan! Where's Scott?
LOGAN—He killed himself.
JEAN—You're lying!
LOGAN—No, I'm not, he killed himself because he thought you were dead!
JEAN—I'll prove your lying!
using telekinesis, twilight theme playing in background
JEAN—Oh my god he's dead! You're not lying!
rolls his eyes
LOGAN—duh, Jean.
JEAN—I'm coming for you, my little Scottie! runs out
LOGAN-- smiles my life is now complete.
Somewhere in the middle of the ocean. . .
Jean is standing on the railing of a cruise ship, arms outspread, wind flying through her perfect red hair. Suddenly, an iceberg appears and hits the ship, mainly Jean, and they all sink to the bottom of the sea
back in Magneto's lair
Gambit, Pyro, and Colossus are watching Ed, Edd, and Eddy.
PYRO- Hey Mate! Look a'em go!!
GAMBIT—Yeah, dat's amazin'!
COLOSSUS—Da, I wish I had such skills!
They are watching the Eds eat their beastly jawbreakers
ring ring
GAMBIT—Probably mah date.
picks it up
GAMBIT—Bonjour mon chere. Remy's at your service.
ED- I wanna go to Hawaii, yay!
GAMBIT—Eh. . . pardone moi?
ED—I wanna go to Hawaii, yay!
GAMBIT—Dat all ya can say, homme?
ED—Yay!
GAMBIT—Ya gonna say anytin' else?
ED—Yay!
Colossus and Pyro stare at Gambit, confused. He shoots them a nasty look
GAMBIT—Look homme, don' be callin' here no mo' 'stand? Ya be regretin' dis call.
ED—I wanna go ta Ha-
hangs up
PYRO—What the hell, mate? Sheila go crazy on you?
GAMBIT—More like Special Ed.
COLOSSUS—Who is this Special Ed?
GAMBIT—A pain in mah ass. grimaces Le's go harass de X-Men!!
They go to Magneto's office
Whhooommm
doors open
magneto is laughing like he's been smoking again
GAMBIT—Hey bossman, we gon' go harass de X-Men, kay?
MAGNETO—heehee okay have fun kiddies!
PYRO—eh mate, what's so funny?
MAGNETO—Nothing, go on, have fun!
Acolytes walk out
Pietro appears out of nowhere
MAGNETO—Pietro, you little shit, stop tickling me! Ahahahahaha. . .
Later on at the institute. . .
Logan is getting stoned, Kitty is building a bomb to kill Scott and Jean, but they're dead already so. . . who cares. Rogue is eating lotsa lotsa candy, and is very hyper. Evan is covered in hot cheese. . . I don't know why. The new recruits are off doing something. . . who cares. Professor's in the bathroom, and Ororo is watching Recess
LOGAN-- spies Kitty Want some weed, man?
KITTY- No thanks, I'm building a bomb.
LOGAN—Who's it for?
KITTY—I think maybe I'll give it to Evan.
LOGAN—Okay bye. leaves
Tabitha appears out of nowhere
TABITHA—Have a beer! hands one to Kitty
KITTY—Thanks! downs it, and Tabitha walks away
ring ring
KITTY—I'll get it! picks up the phone
ring ring
KITTY- Why is it still ringing?
ROGUE—That's the doorbell, you silly-billy!!
answers it
ROGUE—GAMBIT!!
kisses him really good-like
steps back to look at him, he's blushing aww
GAMBIT—Mon deui- a dream come true!!
acolytes come inside
PYRO—we are here to harass- ooh pretty fire!
runs away somewhere
COLOSSUS—Is that a bomb, Katya?
KITTY- Yeah.
COLOSSUS—A work of art!
KITTY-- blushing thanks, Pete.
kisses him just because Rogue kissed her man, they are off making out somewhere
(In this fanfic, Rogue can touch so nanner nanner!!)
COLOSSUS—You kiss well.
KITTY—Yeah you too.
they work on the bomb together
ring ring
ORORO- I'll get it
ED—Hey Lady!
ORORO—Um hi.
ED- Bread makes me poop. Yay!
ORORO—Um okay. hangs up
ring ring
elsewhere in the mansion. . .
Amara is beating the crap out of Ray just because she can.
ring ring
picks it up and slams it down
AMARA—I heard about these calls.
RAY—AMARA STOP IT PLEASE! AH MY GOD. . .
AMARA—SHUT UP!! slaps him
Outside. . .
LOGAN—weeeee!! MARIJUANA IS MY FRIEND!! smoking a joint
Evan rides by
EVAN—Yo bitch! Gimme summa dat shit!
reaches for the joint when a tree falls on him
LOGAN—coool.
skips away into the forest to frollick with the forest creatures
in a closet. . .
GAMBIT—Mon chere, you're beautiful as ever.
ROGUE—HEEHEE you too swamprat. Have some pixie stix!
GAMBIT—No tanks, chere, ya already hypa as I dun know wut.
ROGUE—Coool.
ring ring
GAMBIT—Um why der a phone in de closet?
ROGUE—I dunno. they start making out again
In the main room. . .
Kitty and Piotr are finished with the bomb
KITTY- AWESOMENESS!
PIOTR—A WORK OF ART!
KITTY—Hey I'm bored.
PIOTR—Wanna make out?
KITTY- Maybe later. Let's solve the special Ed mystery!
COLOSSUS—Okay, da.
dials 69
OPERATOR—THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED IS 912- GAY-LOVE.
Kitty blinks
KITTY—Um okay. That explains the professor's weirdness.
flashback to Scott, ah my god! The deflected part is over
KITTY—Let's go find Ed!
they run off
In the Med Bay. . .
Empty.
Rooms?
Empty.
Kitchen?
Bobby and Jubilee making out.
Garden?
Rahne is marking her territory. Um, okay.
Balcony?
Ororo is standing on the railing, singing and holding a bottle of Jim Bean.
Rec room-
Hank is watching Baywatch.
HANK—woohoo! Look at dem crazy ass bitches!! (he talks like this when he thinks he's alone)
Cerebro room?
KITTY—Jamie?!
Jamie jumps up, startled
COLOSSUS—It is you has been prankcalling!
JAMIE—nah ah, him
points to special Ed in the next chair
ED- YAY I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS!
Kitty throws bomb and blows up cerebro room. Everyone flies out in different directions
John comes running out of nowhere
PYRO—ooh pretty fire!!
Kitty rolls her eyes
KITTY—DAMN SPECIAL ED!! MWAHAHAHAHA COME ON PETEY LET'S GET STONED!!
they run out together, hand in hand
The Moral: Screw the moral. But you did learn that special Ed shouldn't make friends with little kids and make mutant crank calls!! Mwahahaha the End