Stolen Child
Chapter 22
Gray Would Be the Color
(If I Had a Heart)
Hermione stepped back, eyes wide, heart pounding with both excitement and fear, her confusion over his malicious behavior fading quickly, lost in a flurry of new, unfamiliar emotions. "Sir.I..I." She nearly reached for the vial when a stream of sound and light came spilling out into the hall. Quickly she withdrew her hand, and he shoved the vial back into his pocket.
"'Mione? Oh, there you are, we were starting to wonder." It was Harry, looking as handsome and carefree as always, his black hair unruly, though his robes were perfect in every way.
Before he could approach them, Hermione stepped forward, taking Snape's hand into her own trembling one, meeting his eyes, looking past the bitter cold, down to the man she knew he still had to be. "Professor, can you meet me after the party in my quarters?"
Snape took only a moment looking into her pleading eyes, full of terror, excitement, hope, and curiosity; her cold, clammy hand grasping is own, before he nodded.
She offered him a faint smile, filled with mixed emotions before she turned to Harry who was glaring at Snape, as if he was something disgusting he had found on the bottom of his shoe. "Sorry.. I'm. err.feeling much better now."
Snape watched Harry and Hermione disappear into the great hall until the door closed, and he was once again wrapped in the darkness he so preferred, his heart pounding insistently, aching to let go once more, but his mind pushed the urges away, knowing that tonight any feelings she may have had for him would soon melt away, just like everything else worthwhile that had ever entered his life.
*~~*~~*
Hermione, thankful to have finally broken away from her rather pushy "friends", made her way back down to the dungeons, legs weak in anticipation. What would she see? It didn't matter, of course, she simply wanted to see, and know it all, no matter what the consequences would be. It wasn't until she was just ten feet from her room that she noticed the dark figure standing next to her door. For a moment she nearly bolted, visions of the cloaked figured of the Wild Hunt galloping through her mind, until she realized that it was Professor Snape, looking no less threatening that one of those terrible huntsmen.
"You're late, Ms. Granger." His voice was cold, even, but not nearly as cold as it had been in the entrance hall, he had only a few more minutes with her before she would surely turn him away, and though there was a boiling rage deep within him, the desire to keep her as near as he could for as long as possible was far more overpowering.
"Sorry, Sir. Harry, Ron, and Ginny would hardly let me go." Her nerves began to make her tremble more violently than before, her hand shaking as she opened her door. Tonight would be extremely trying, so much to deal with, but she simply had to, and there had been no moment of doubt since he had revealed his gift to her. His gift; Hermione paused, suddenly struck by his kindness, and the effort he had went through to help her, a gentle warmth spreading through her.
"Might I ask why you wished for me to meet you here, Ms. Granger? I'm a busy man, and I value my sleep." His eyes narrowed and he folded his arms, drawing himself up into a more imposing form, though ever fiber of his being ached to enfold her in his arms one last time.
Hermione was not watching, she was busy taking down her hair, a bit slower than normal due to her frazzled state, and her desire to keep him from seeing the brightness of her cheeks. Finally she turned towards him, her eyes filled to the brim with dread and anticipation. "Professor.I." Looking away, her face began to redden once more, flustering her even further. "I'm afraid." Her voice was barely above a whisper, and in her own ears, her pounding heart nearly drowned out the small sound. Admitting her fear was absolutely the last thing she wanted to do, not only to him, but also her self. She had gained so much strength over the past week, and here she was, begging for his help when he had already given so much.
A bit stunned, Professor Snape simply glared at her for a moment, before responding. "Ms. Granger, what on Earth could you possibly be afraid of?" He spat his words at her, feigning disgust, though he was honestly curious; she hadn't even feared death, either at his hands or those of her former tormenters- why would she fear something as benign as her own memories?
What was she afraid of? She really had no idea, but she knew that no matter how strong she might be, there would be no way she could take the potion on her own. "Sir, please." On a whim, she slowly approached him, grasping his hand before he would have the chance to pull away. "I just need you here." Her heart ached, the words ringing true and resonating through her. She needed him, needed him to comfort her, needed him by her side, no matter how much it hurt to ask.
His resolve melted at the touch of her cold hand, and before he could stop himself he silently grasped her hand with both of his, trying to warm it a bit, and nodded. "Very well. I shall stay, Ms. Granger." How he long to pull her to him, drown her fears in a passionate kiss, but of course, there was no sense in making this any harder than it had to be. Tomorrow life would resume as it always had been. He would be alone, bitter, hateful, drunk, she would be smart, funny, outgoing. Hermione Granger. The past week would have simply been a dream, and would quickly fade from both their memories, hopefully.
"Thank you, sir." Fear melting slightly from the warmth of his hands, Hermione smiled faintly. "May I have the potion?"
Reluctantly, Snape pulled away, feeling her smooth skin slide over his palms. A lump slowly formed in his throat as he wondered if perhaps that would be the last time he would feel the rose petal texture of her skin. If only things had been different, he could pull her to him once more, could taste the sweetness of her lips, he could have come to know her. Instead, he shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled the tiny vial and handed it to the trembling woman before him, terrible, intense emotions causing his heart to clench within him. 'Good bye, Ms. Granger.' His second chance was over. But it was for the better good, she was not his to keep in the dark, and it pained him to no end to see her struggle as she had been. Snape had always been a firm believer in self preservation, but for once in his life he wanted to make a sacrifice, wanted to better someone's life over his own.
Nearly dropping the tiny bottle twice, Hermione clumsily uncorked it, hoping she could keep the contents down long enough for them to do their job. "Are there any side effects I should know of?"
"It would be wise to sit, the effects can be intense." This time it was his voice that wavered, and he who refused to meet her eye, staring instead at her chin, afraid of what he might do if he looked into their vast depths so soon before loosing her.
Nodding, she took a seat in the nearest arm chair, and waited for him to sit across from her before suddenly looking up at him once more, tearing her eyes away from the vial. "Sir, why wasn't this given to me before?"
"Madame Pomfrey prefers, in situations such as yours, to allow things to take a natural course, but what she doesn't know, will not hurt her." He did not even bother to feign a grin.
Hermione mulled over it for a moment before swallowing and nodding. Taking a deep breath; and summoning an enormous amount of Gryffindor courage- she drank the bitter liquid in one swallow, her hand quickly wiping away a tear before it had time to slide down her face.
Snape, sitting across from her, watched with the grim fascination one would have at the scene of a train wreck. He watch her slender throat work as she swallowed, watched her face become tense in anticipation, watched her expression change as his potion began to work, and he found himself wondering what her first newly recovered memory would be. Would it work from start to finish, finish to start? Or would her worst memories come first, or her most important memories? What would be the first new person she'd see? He found him self so curious, that if she had left her eyes open, he would have probably used Legilimancy. But would he honestly want to see himself when she finally came around to him? Towering over her when she was just a child, constantly pushing her down, demeaning her talent- always the horrible, greasy potion's master. What would be like to see and feel her image of him shift from like to dislike to hate? No matter how curios he was, he doubted he would honestly want to see that first hand.
Hermione was lost in the sensations filling her body. It was as though the circulation to her brain had been cut off temporarily, and everything was just starting to reawaken. Her head was suddenly tingly, and then warm, and it was like a fog had been lifted, and she could finally see clearly throughout the entire expanse of her mind. She was a little girl having a birthday party, she was a young girl learning to swim, she was a first year on a boat crossing to Hogwarts, a student, a friend, a young woman. She was intelligent, witty, talented, honorable, and she loved her friends and family. Her life had been stolen, her parent's, and Dumbledore were lost, but she was not an animal, she was not some horrible beast- she was Hermione Granger.
Slowly she opened her eyes, only to find Professor Snape sitting across from her. She was startled for a few moments, before all the memories connected. He had been horrible, had spoken so harshly to her, and had even made her cry on a few occasions. But then she came to know him while working for extra credit- saw him smile and nearly laugh. He had become a man, instead of a monster; a living, breathing, man who smelled of spices and Lavender. She had grown to like him, then he began to invade her every thought, she had replayed the image of his smile a thousand times over in her mind, and she has desperately wanted to kiss him, but always knew it could never be possible, she was just a girl- a student, and he was a Professor. She had wanted to say that she loved him, but her mind had won over her heart and she denied it not only to her friends, but to her self. She was just a girl, what did she know of love? And then she had been taken, been destroyed, and then found a way home. She had known him, recognized him right away, her feelings followed shortly behind. They had kissed, they had embraced, the impossible had become possible, and he was across from her, clearly on the edge of his seat. "Professor, I remember you.I remember it all." Her amazement was written clearly across her expression.
"But.Oh Merlin." Amazement melted into sorrow in mere moments. Her parents, Dumbledore, Professor Sprout.Cedric, Bill and Arthur..so many people had died, had been murdered. Before she knew what was happening she was already to her feet, stumbling to the bathroom to purge the contents of her stomach into the toilet, tears streaming down her face, her world crumbling as she felt the cold tile bite into her knees while she hugged the porcelain bowl like a drowning woman clinging to a life preserver.
Never in his life had Snape ever felt so rejected, so disgusting, as he heard the unpleasant sounds of Hermione being ill. Slowly, shakily, he stood, and numbly left the room. Stiffly he went back to his quarters, and enormous void slowly opening within his heart. 'You never really know what you have until you loose it.' As always, his thoughts taunted him, and for the first time in many years, he felt the sting of them, and it was everything he could to do make it through the door to the potion's classroom.
He made it halfway down the aisle before he could go no further, his fists clenching into balls so tight they made his arms shake fiercely. His eyes began to sting suspiciously, but before he could break down and cry like a child, he exploded instead. The nearest chair was the first to go flying into the wall, an inhuman roar erupting from his throat before he continued tearing through the room like a madman, leaving no chair, no table, no cauldron untouched. If he had thought to reach into his pocket, there was no doubt he would have blasted the wall out of the room. As it was, within just a few minutes, the entire room was in shambles, and Snape sat limply on the floor, leaning against an overturned table, black eyes empty, his once completely collected mind now screaming.
Hermione lay against the wall of her bathroom, her sobs echoing on the walls. The fact that Snape had left still not having come to her attention, her grief leaving room for nothing else. Everyone was dead. Had she been there, maybe she could have saved someone, any of them. Never in her life had she cried so much. When she was a girl, a year before coming to Hogwarts her grandmother had died, when she was even younger her favorite uncle had died, but never had their been such a fathomless sorrow flowing though and from her. She made no effort to wipe the tear streaming from her eyes, spilling down over her cheeks, her jaw, and then her neck before catching in the collar of her robes, turning them a darker shade of purple. She cried until her tears would come no more, and without even considering leaving the cold tile floor for her warm bed, Hermione drifted off into a terrible, haunted sleep.
*~~*~~*
She was running through a forest- the forbidden forest, heart pounding, chest heaving, trying to keep up with her pace. Her hooves where sure as she darting between trees and brambles, and her pure white coat gleamed in the full moon light, graying in certain areas from her dripping perspiration. Hounds were baying, and she could hear the heavy hoof beats of enormous war horses just behind her. She could see the edge of the forest, could see the gleaming of the lake ahead when she felt her hoof snag on a protruding root. She was falling, falling down into an endless hole, screaming, crying; Snape had forgotten. He wasn't there to put her out of her misery.he had forgotten.
*~~*~~* "Hermione?! Hermione!"
Hermione jerked awake, painfully bumping her head on the bottom of the toilet, heart still pounding insistently from the nightmare. It took her a few moments to orientate herself, and actually hear the pounding at her door and shouting from the hall. Slowly, stiffly she rose, still confused, using the toilet as support. Absently she flushed it when she realized that she had forgotten to after being sick the night before. She felt hung over, and momentarily thought she might have drank to much wine at the party, until she remembered the events of the night before. Thankfully she had simply run out of tears. Looking around at her empty room, Hermione suddenly started completely awake when she realized that Professor Snape had left- but when? He hadn't said goodnight, hadn't even had the decency to ask if she was alright?
The shouting and pounding on her door have become incredibly insistent and she wondered exactly how long they had been trying to wake her- perhaps if she didn't answer they'd simply go away- but somehow she knew they wouldn't fall for it.
In the middle of one of the long series of knocks she unlocked her door and slowly opened it, not caring who or what was waiting outside. It turned out to be Harry and Ron, both looking extremely concerned, and yet excited, each clothed in sweaters, one with and H, the other with an R on it.
"There you are! Happy Christmas!" Harry seemed not to notice or care about her disheveled appearance, or the red, swollen appearance of her eyes, nor did Ron.
"Yeah, Happy Christmas, Hermione! Have you opened your presents?"
"Um." Her voice came out as a hoarse croak, "I have presents?" How could she have presents? Her world was crashing down on her- everything she knew was gone and dead or horribly wrong. How could she open presents with that knowledge weighing down upon her?
"Yeah, they should have been left by your bed, didn't you see them?" Anxiously Ron looked over her shoulder, standing on his toes, making it quite obvious that he, and probably Harry as well, wanted to see her unwrap them.
"Oh.I.err.I didn't look." Slowly she turned and looked on the other side of her bed, only to find a large stack of brightly colored packages, their adorable, perfect paper and ribbons making her inexplicably ill even as she wondered how she had forgotten this morning was Christmas. "I guess I just missed them before." Her scratchy voice was strangely hollow, and she found herself wishing they'd simply go away and leave her to wallow in her misery. She could remember them, knew how much she had loved them, but what did that matter now when six years a million miles seemed to separate them, but they didn't seem to notice, and insisted on sitting with her while she gloomily opened her gifts, absently deciding to visit the Professor later to let him know that the potion had worked, and perhaps ask him for a bit of his fire whiskey to lift her spirits and drown her sorrow.
*~~*~~*
"Hermione?! Hermione!"
Snape cracked his sore eyes and gazed out over the classroom, which had already been straitened completely by the house elves. Cringing at the sound of banging and shouting from the hallway, he pulled himself to his feet, feeling his back pop at least a dozen times. Slowly he hobbled out of the classroom, into his quarters, mind blank, head aching, and he longing to feel the insistent beating of the water from his shower head, praying it would wash away the sickening feeling of rejection that clung to him like a foul odor.
Beneath the spray of water, he scrub his body and hair, scrubbed until his skin was glowing bright pink, the lather from his hair running into his already burning eyes, and yet he still felt as though he was filthy. And there was an aching, churning void within him than no soap could possibly reach, and no amount of time would ever be able to heal. Absently he thought of the few ingredients he could easily mix and simmer to create a potion that would be both instant and painless- all he'd have to do is wander off somewhere that no one would find him, drink it, and he could simply rest. But a small voice inside him, the one which delighted in tormenting him, reminded Snape that indeed, he had made his bed, and now he must lie in it.
Stepping out of the bathroom, he suddenly found he had no desire to dress, or even run a comb through his hair, and instead walked over to his bed and limply sprawled across it, still in his towel, his thoughts automatically straying to Hermione, a subject that made his heat clench fiercely, and his stomach roll over.
Was he honestly that revolting to her? He had expected her to push him away, but vomit at the very thought of him? That was not something he normally expected, but then again, he had never been even remotely intimate with a student, former or otherwise. Had he honestly been that awful to her? His tightly clenched heart twisted violently as he remembered the incident when Draco had enlarged her teeth and he had made a terrible comment about it. Why did he have to be such a cruel bastard? What on Earth compelled him to be this way? Was it honestly necessary for him to torment the children of those who had tormented him as a child? Whatever the answer, it no longer mattered, what was done was done, and nothing would bring Hermione back into his arms.
Compulsively he opened his hand, briefly imagining her soft skin beneath his fingers before forcing himself to ball it into a fist once more, staring blankly at the wall, and the air of his room cool and drafty against his bare skin despite the crackling flames in the fireplace. For the first time since he became a Professor he found himself longing for the students to return, simply so life could resume.
He wasn't sure how long he lay there, drifting in and out of sleep, mind ever wandering over the past week, over the imprint of her touch, her voice, and her sweet smile which was branded into the landscape of his mind. No matter how much he chided himself, forced the emotions away, they refused to leave, and in the end he chose to simply endure them until they eventually, in time, faded.
He was violently jerked from his thoughts, though, when he heard a faint knocking on his classroom door. Cursing venomously he pushed himself up off his bed and quickly dressed in slacks and a shirt before reluctantly leaving his quarters just as the waiting person knocked once more.
Violently he flung open the door, daring whoever was beyond it to not have a decent reason for disturbing him, his glare and rigid state momentarily faltering when he found Hermione, looking more bedraggled than he had ever seen her, staring up at him. Her eyes were red and puffy; her robes slightly wrinkled, though she had changed since the night before, even though she appeared to not have gotten nearly enough sleep, though her still damp hair and the scent of lavender wafting in his direction gave away the fact that she had at least gotten a bath. It did not matter, though, she was still beautiful, and he still wanted to enfold her in his arms, but she was lost to him, and he found himself wondering what on Earth she could possibly want. "What do you want, Ms. Granger?" He used his coldest, most disgusted voice liberally, knowing it no longer made any difference.
Hermione flushed at the harshness of his voice and stepped back slightly, "I...I.just wanted.to say. thank you." Her voice trembled, and she couldn't help but feel incredibly offended- it had been he who had abandoned her, not the other way around. Tears threatened to spring from her eyes once more, now that her eyes had had a chance to rest. She had so hoped that he would pull her into his arms, comforting her, knowing the pain she was feeling, instead he had pushed her away once more, further than arms length this time.
Thankful for what? Letting her see the error of her ways? Enlightening her as to how despicable he really was? Or simply for helping her regain her memories? It didn't matter any more, no matter what her meaning, and so he simply narrowed his eyes, nodded, and then turned to leave, only to have her voice, and the feeling of her warm hand upon his arm stop him dead in his tracks.
"Sir, wait..please." Her voice was still hoarse, made worse by the newly forming lump in her throat. "Why.why did you leave last night?" Voice filled with both anger, and fathomless pain, her eyes bored in to him. She had needed him last night, plain and simple, and he had abandoned her- why did he constantly have to be so fickle?
"Ms. Granger, I am no fool, and it's my general belief that only fools play childish games such as that." He clenched his jaw tightly, unable to believe her audacity- was it not obvious?
Hermione felt a chill run up her spine as he glared at her, eye burrowing into her own, the muscles of his arm beneath her fingers tensing to a point she knew had to be painful, but how could she fear him? "Sir, I'm not playing games, I just wanted to know." She hesitated for a moment, wondering if it would even help, but decided to add it anyways- "You may look if you wish." Deliberately she matched his gaze, wondering if he would take her offer and plunge into her thoughts.
Perplexed, Snape tentatively, against his better judgment, dipped into the forefront of her mind, and found many things, pain, grief, anger, curiosity, confusion, but nothing of disgust, hate, or deceit. His findings frustrated him greatly, and it took all his will to keep from plundering her mind with his own, and picking apart all of its delicate secrets. Instead he quickly began to formulate an answer. Should he simply tell the truth, or an outright lie to cover his tracks? "I did not believe you wished for me to stay, Ms. Granger." It was a half truth, of course, but the best he could manage.
Before any tears had a chance to escape, Hermione reached up and wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve, her face reddening at the thought of him seeing her cry. If only he had been there for her last night- she would have had someone to lean on, a warm shoulder instead of the bathroom floor. "I...I really wish you hadn't left." Roughly she wiped away another tear which threatened to spill. "I.I needed you."
Snape was completely shocked and taken aback by both her statement, and the incredibly crushed and yet furious look upon her face. If she needed him, and wanted him to stay- why had she literally vomited at the very thought of him? "Ms. Granger, I find that extremely hard to believe when you vomited as soon as you recovered your memories of me." There. He had said it. He had tossed it out in the open, and suddenly felt his heart begin pounding frantically at the prospect of laying things out so openly, but he was beyond dancing around the subject anymore, and even further beyond reason.
Amazed at his misconception, Hermione slowly looked up at him, brow furrowed, mouth gaping. No wonder he had left without a second thought, no wonder he had been so bitter and foul thus far. "Sir, It wasn't the memories of you.it was just.overwhelming. Professor Dumbledore. my parents." Her voice faded and she quickly looked away, clenching her teeth as a wave a sorrow first flowed and then ebbed from her.
Reeling, Snape stepped back from her, his anger crashing down upon him. He had been such a blind fool, yet again. What had he done? Warmth and feeling rushed back into him, and he suddenly felt as though he had just awakened. "I.apologize, Ms. Granger, for my assumption."
"It's alright, sir." Hermione could not contain her amazement- she had never seen Snape apologize to anyone, not even a fellow Professor. "Thank you." Her amazement faded slightly as she realized the gravity of any situation in which the dreaded Potion's Master would apologize, and her gratitude brought tears once again straining to break free and fall from her eyes. She paused for only a second longer before instinctively seeking the comfort of his embrace, her arms slipping around his waist, her head against his chest, feeling the loneliness of the previous night and that morning slowly drift away, and all the while praying he wouldn't simply push her aside.
Shocked into immobility Snape simply stood stiffly in the doorway, looking down at the top of her head, his eyes wide. This had to be a dream, or perhaps he was hallucinating- but her body was so warm and real against his own, and everything was far too crisp and honest to be a delusion; but this wasn't how it was supposed to be- she should be in Potter's arms, or Minerva's, or one of the Weasley's, not nestled against Severus Snape in the cold, dank dungeons. It was incredibly wrong, he did not deserve a happy ending, and yet he knew it would be the end of him if it was not real. His terrible, aching sadness settled heavily on his heart, along with a healthy dose of trepidation, but easing it was along the edge was a glimmer of something not usually found in such a dismal place.hope. Slowly, terrified of what could happen, he snaked his hands behind her back and pulled her to him.
There was a brief, tense moment, and then she sighed long and heavily, gripping him even more tightly, her pain and grief welling up within her like a great tidal wave, threatening to wash her away, and Snape was the only think keeping her grounded . "Please don't let go, sir.don't ever let go." The last part was added as a simple after thought, but the honest need in her own voice shook her too the bone.
It was a rare occasion for Professor Snape to care what a person said, and even rarer for him to do what another person asked of him, but this was an occasion for both. He held her tightly as she sobbed against him, his heart aching for her, and rejoicing at the same moment. She needed him, wanted his arms around her, and his comfort, and for the first time he knew that indeed, it was real. And even with her mind unclouded, she still saw him as he was, as he could be- a man, plain and simple.
*~~~~~*~~~~~*
Something I Can Never Have
NIN
i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.
[Chorus:]
come on tell me.
make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
make this all go away.
you make this all go way.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this thing is slowly taking me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.
i just want something i can never have.
in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.
[Chorus]
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
i just want something i can never have
think i know what you meant.
that night on my bed.
still picking at this scab
i wish you were dead.
you sweat and perry ellis.
just stains on my sheets.
*~~~*~~~*
JEEEEEBUS this was a hard chapter to right, and I have little or no idea why *LOL*.I changed it about a thousand times, I know that, and I've been extremely busy and tired, I know that to.but still! It took forever! Gah! Anyways.I seriously apologize for that! Work has just been draining me completely, so has the "spring" cleaning we've been doing at home, not to mention planning my wedding- only 4 months to go!- which is also giving me an incredible amount of frigging headaches.anyways. I finally finished, proofreading and all.though yet again I'm giving you a none beta-ed version due to my haste in posting, though I did print it and revise it as a hard copy (easier for me to find mistakes) BTW, the last chapter has been beta- ed and reposted ^_^ thank you Cristy AKA Flashy! You rule the school with an iron fist!. Really the only reason I got to finish was because of this ice storm currently going on *L* my fiancé and I got to go home early because of it ;).next chapter expect more drama, more romance, and hopefully there will finally be a purpose for that R rating!.alright, on to the replies.
Jordanz: Yup, I'm awful :P especially for making ya'll wait so long for a new chapter! (.As for a love triangle- possibly if I write a sequel, but I think I have enough drama for this installation :D thank you for reading! You rock! ^_^
Jazzlady: Heehee! Neither could I.but I must admit her grief was a big obstacle, how to work it in and yet not allow it to hinder the development of the story? I actually thought about having her refuse to potion.but we all know how curious she is ;)
Az: thanks! ^_^
Hawaii5063: *LOL* yeah, I was so tempted to leave the little buggers out, or kill them off or something *L* but *sigh* ah well. And yup, things will definitely be different now, much more honest :D
Jessica (THM): Killer name! no pun intended :P Johnny rocks.. *LOL* yeah, their relations ship is pretty dang rocky.but the sailing will hopefully be much smoother after this chapter ;).
Risi: Yeah, I know : / damn boys..and Ginny *L*..wasn't anyone's idea, they just showed up.ack..I probably should have pointed that at..sorry (.. And you have an awesome point, I mean hell, it's been six years! But pain and bitterness can make people think unclearly : / ah well, no more of that! At least not much *L*
Nataly Ravenlock: Thanks! ^_^ I was so worried it would be too mushy *L* this story started out so dark now it keeps getting fluffy *LOL*.someone needs to die...J/k, sorry, couldn't resist :P..annnnd, no complaints here! ^_^ it wasn't really the amount, they just kind of errr..lacked enthusiasm? *L* I can't blame anyone, though, and I'm amazed anyone is still reading this silly story at all :D
Baby Gid Gurl: thank you!
Defender of the Spiffy: Thank ye! :D Sorry of the delay! ^_^
Someone28 *L* Dun Dun duuuuun *dramatic music* yup! *L* hope you enjoyed this one as well :D
Theoretically Insane: ack! Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long! ( I hope this next one comes easier to me!
Sweetygirl420: *L* I sowwy! Both for the terrible cliffy and the long delay : / forgive me? ^_-
Chibidaima: I'm getting close! I hope I can finish it to-I have NEVER finished a story before.and I've never come this close, either..I know I'll actually be able to get this one, though ;) hopefully it'll open the floodgate and it wont be so hard to in the future ^_^ I'm really glad you're enjoying the story!
Levans: thank you SO much! Here I was thinking I was wallowing a bit to much in their emotions- thank you for boosting my confidence! I honestly needed it! *huggles*
Anyways, thank you EVERYONE who had been reading! And double thanks to those of you who have been reviewing or have reviewed! You all rock, and it tickles me to death that you all actually care about this silly little story! *HUGS TO YOU ALL*
Chapter 22
Gray Would Be the Color
(If I Had a Heart)
Hermione stepped back, eyes wide, heart pounding with both excitement and fear, her confusion over his malicious behavior fading quickly, lost in a flurry of new, unfamiliar emotions. "Sir.I..I." She nearly reached for the vial when a stream of sound and light came spilling out into the hall. Quickly she withdrew her hand, and he shoved the vial back into his pocket.
"'Mione? Oh, there you are, we were starting to wonder." It was Harry, looking as handsome and carefree as always, his black hair unruly, though his robes were perfect in every way.
Before he could approach them, Hermione stepped forward, taking Snape's hand into her own trembling one, meeting his eyes, looking past the bitter cold, down to the man she knew he still had to be. "Professor, can you meet me after the party in my quarters?"
Snape took only a moment looking into her pleading eyes, full of terror, excitement, hope, and curiosity; her cold, clammy hand grasping is own, before he nodded.
She offered him a faint smile, filled with mixed emotions before she turned to Harry who was glaring at Snape, as if he was something disgusting he had found on the bottom of his shoe. "Sorry.. I'm. err.feeling much better now."
Snape watched Harry and Hermione disappear into the great hall until the door closed, and he was once again wrapped in the darkness he so preferred, his heart pounding insistently, aching to let go once more, but his mind pushed the urges away, knowing that tonight any feelings she may have had for him would soon melt away, just like everything else worthwhile that had ever entered his life.
*~~*~~*
Hermione, thankful to have finally broken away from her rather pushy "friends", made her way back down to the dungeons, legs weak in anticipation. What would she see? It didn't matter, of course, she simply wanted to see, and know it all, no matter what the consequences would be. It wasn't until she was just ten feet from her room that she noticed the dark figure standing next to her door. For a moment she nearly bolted, visions of the cloaked figured of the Wild Hunt galloping through her mind, until she realized that it was Professor Snape, looking no less threatening that one of those terrible huntsmen.
"You're late, Ms. Granger." His voice was cold, even, but not nearly as cold as it had been in the entrance hall, he had only a few more minutes with her before she would surely turn him away, and though there was a boiling rage deep within him, the desire to keep her as near as he could for as long as possible was far more overpowering.
"Sorry, Sir. Harry, Ron, and Ginny would hardly let me go." Her nerves began to make her tremble more violently than before, her hand shaking as she opened her door. Tonight would be extremely trying, so much to deal with, but she simply had to, and there had been no moment of doubt since he had revealed his gift to her. His gift; Hermione paused, suddenly struck by his kindness, and the effort he had went through to help her, a gentle warmth spreading through her.
"Might I ask why you wished for me to meet you here, Ms. Granger? I'm a busy man, and I value my sleep." His eyes narrowed and he folded his arms, drawing himself up into a more imposing form, though ever fiber of his being ached to enfold her in his arms one last time.
Hermione was not watching, she was busy taking down her hair, a bit slower than normal due to her frazzled state, and her desire to keep him from seeing the brightness of her cheeks. Finally she turned towards him, her eyes filled to the brim with dread and anticipation. "Professor.I." Looking away, her face began to redden once more, flustering her even further. "I'm afraid." Her voice was barely above a whisper, and in her own ears, her pounding heart nearly drowned out the small sound. Admitting her fear was absolutely the last thing she wanted to do, not only to him, but also her self. She had gained so much strength over the past week, and here she was, begging for his help when he had already given so much.
A bit stunned, Professor Snape simply glared at her for a moment, before responding. "Ms. Granger, what on Earth could you possibly be afraid of?" He spat his words at her, feigning disgust, though he was honestly curious; she hadn't even feared death, either at his hands or those of her former tormenters- why would she fear something as benign as her own memories?
What was she afraid of? She really had no idea, but she knew that no matter how strong she might be, there would be no way she could take the potion on her own. "Sir, please." On a whim, she slowly approached him, grasping his hand before he would have the chance to pull away. "I just need you here." Her heart ached, the words ringing true and resonating through her. She needed him, needed him to comfort her, needed him by her side, no matter how much it hurt to ask.
His resolve melted at the touch of her cold hand, and before he could stop himself he silently grasped her hand with both of his, trying to warm it a bit, and nodded. "Very well. I shall stay, Ms. Granger." How he long to pull her to him, drown her fears in a passionate kiss, but of course, there was no sense in making this any harder than it had to be. Tomorrow life would resume as it always had been. He would be alone, bitter, hateful, drunk, she would be smart, funny, outgoing. Hermione Granger. The past week would have simply been a dream, and would quickly fade from both their memories, hopefully.
"Thank you, sir." Fear melting slightly from the warmth of his hands, Hermione smiled faintly. "May I have the potion?"
Reluctantly, Snape pulled away, feeling her smooth skin slide over his palms. A lump slowly formed in his throat as he wondered if perhaps that would be the last time he would feel the rose petal texture of her skin. If only things had been different, he could pull her to him once more, could taste the sweetness of her lips, he could have come to know her. Instead, he shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled the tiny vial and handed it to the trembling woman before him, terrible, intense emotions causing his heart to clench within him. 'Good bye, Ms. Granger.' His second chance was over. But it was for the better good, she was not his to keep in the dark, and it pained him to no end to see her struggle as she had been. Snape had always been a firm believer in self preservation, but for once in his life he wanted to make a sacrifice, wanted to better someone's life over his own.
Nearly dropping the tiny bottle twice, Hermione clumsily uncorked it, hoping she could keep the contents down long enough for them to do their job. "Are there any side effects I should know of?"
"It would be wise to sit, the effects can be intense." This time it was his voice that wavered, and he who refused to meet her eye, staring instead at her chin, afraid of what he might do if he looked into their vast depths so soon before loosing her.
Nodding, she took a seat in the nearest arm chair, and waited for him to sit across from her before suddenly looking up at him once more, tearing her eyes away from the vial. "Sir, why wasn't this given to me before?"
"Madame Pomfrey prefers, in situations such as yours, to allow things to take a natural course, but what she doesn't know, will not hurt her." He did not even bother to feign a grin.
Hermione mulled over it for a moment before swallowing and nodding. Taking a deep breath; and summoning an enormous amount of Gryffindor courage- she drank the bitter liquid in one swallow, her hand quickly wiping away a tear before it had time to slide down her face.
Snape, sitting across from her, watched with the grim fascination one would have at the scene of a train wreck. He watch her slender throat work as she swallowed, watched her face become tense in anticipation, watched her expression change as his potion began to work, and he found himself wondering what her first newly recovered memory would be. Would it work from start to finish, finish to start? Or would her worst memories come first, or her most important memories? What would be the first new person she'd see? He found him self so curious, that if she had left her eyes open, he would have probably used Legilimancy. But would he honestly want to see himself when she finally came around to him? Towering over her when she was just a child, constantly pushing her down, demeaning her talent- always the horrible, greasy potion's master. What would be like to see and feel her image of him shift from like to dislike to hate? No matter how curios he was, he doubted he would honestly want to see that first hand.
Hermione was lost in the sensations filling her body. It was as though the circulation to her brain had been cut off temporarily, and everything was just starting to reawaken. Her head was suddenly tingly, and then warm, and it was like a fog had been lifted, and she could finally see clearly throughout the entire expanse of her mind. She was a little girl having a birthday party, she was a young girl learning to swim, she was a first year on a boat crossing to Hogwarts, a student, a friend, a young woman. She was intelligent, witty, talented, honorable, and she loved her friends and family. Her life had been stolen, her parent's, and Dumbledore were lost, but she was not an animal, she was not some horrible beast- she was Hermione Granger.
Slowly she opened her eyes, only to find Professor Snape sitting across from her. She was startled for a few moments, before all the memories connected. He had been horrible, had spoken so harshly to her, and had even made her cry on a few occasions. But then she came to know him while working for extra credit- saw him smile and nearly laugh. He had become a man, instead of a monster; a living, breathing, man who smelled of spices and Lavender. She had grown to like him, then he began to invade her every thought, she had replayed the image of his smile a thousand times over in her mind, and she has desperately wanted to kiss him, but always knew it could never be possible, she was just a girl- a student, and he was a Professor. She had wanted to say that she loved him, but her mind had won over her heart and she denied it not only to her friends, but to her self. She was just a girl, what did she know of love? And then she had been taken, been destroyed, and then found a way home. She had known him, recognized him right away, her feelings followed shortly behind. They had kissed, they had embraced, the impossible had become possible, and he was across from her, clearly on the edge of his seat. "Professor, I remember you.I remember it all." Her amazement was written clearly across her expression.
"But.Oh Merlin." Amazement melted into sorrow in mere moments. Her parents, Dumbledore, Professor Sprout.Cedric, Bill and Arthur..so many people had died, had been murdered. Before she knew what was happening she was already to her feet, stumbling to the bathroom to purge the contents of her stomach into the toilet, tears streaming down her face, her world crumbling as she felt the cold tile bite into her knees while she hugged the porcelain bowl like a drowning woman clinging to a life preserver.
Never in his life had Snape ever felt so rejected, so disgusting, as he heard the unpleasant sounds of Hermione being ill. Slowly, shakily, he stood, and numbly left the room. Stiffly he went back to his quarters, and enormous void slowly opening within his heart. 'You never really know what you have until you loose it.' As always, his thoughts taunted him, and for the first time in many years, he felt the sting of them, and it was everything he could to do make it through the door to the potion's classroom.
He made it halfway down the aisle before he could go no further, his fists clenching into balls so tight they made his arms shake fiercely. His eyes began to sting suspiciously, but before he could break down and cry like a child, he exploded instead. The nearest chair was the first to go flying into the wall, an inhuman roar erupting from his throat before he continued tearing through the room like a madman, leaving no chair, no table, no cauldron untouched. If he had thought to reach into his pocket, there was no doubt he would have blasted the wall out of the room. As it was, within just a few minutes, the entire room was in shambles, and Snape sat limply on the floor, leaning against an overturned table, black eyes empty, his once completely collected mind now screaming.
Hermione lay against the wall of her bathroom, her sobs echoing on the walls. The fact that Snape had left still not having come to her attention, her grief leaving room for nothing else. Everyone was dead. Had she been there, maybe she could have saved someone, any of them. Never in her life had she cried so much. When she was a girl, a year before coming to Hogwarts her grandmother had died, when she was even younger her favorite uncle had died, but never had their been such a fathomless sorrow flowing though and from her. She made no effort to wipe the tear streaming from her eyes, spilling down over her cheeks, her jaw, and then her neck before catching in the collar of her robes, turning them a darker shade of purple. She cried until her tears would come no more, and without even considering leaving the cold tile floor for her warm bed, Hermione drifted off into a terrible, haunted sleep.
*~~*~~*
She was running through a forest- the forbidden forest, heart pounding, chest heaving, trying to keep up with her pace. Her hooves where sure as she darting between trees and brambles, and her pure white coat gleamed in the full moon light, graying in certain areas from her dripping perspiration. Hounds were baying, and she could hear the heavy hoof beats of enormous war horses just behind her. She could see the edge of the forest, could see the gleaming of the lake ahead when she felt her hoof snag on a protruding root. She was falling, falling down into an endless hole, screaming, crying; Snape had forgotten. He wasn't there to put her out of her misery.he had forgotten.
*~~*~~* "Hermione?! Hermione!"
Hermione jerked awake, painfully bumping her head on the bottom of the toilet, heart still pounding insistently from the nightmare. It took her a few moments to orientate herself, and actually hear the pounding at her door and shouting from the hall. Slowly, stiffly she rose, still confused, using the toilet as support. Absently she flushed it when she realized that she had forgotten to after being sick the night before. She felt hung over, and momentarily thought she might have drank to much wine at the party, until she remembered the events of the night before. Thankfully she had simply run out of tears. Looking around at her empty room, Hermione suddenly started completely awake when she realized that Professor Snape had left- but when? He hadn't said goodnight, hadn't even had the decency to ask if she was alright?
The shouting and pounding on her door have become incredibly insistent and she wondered exactly how long they had been trying to wake her- perhaps if she didn't answer they'd simply go away- but somehow she knew they wouldn't fall for it.
In the middle of one of the long series of knocks she unlocked her door and slowly opened it, not caring who or what was waiting outside. It turned out to be Harry and Ron, both looking extremely concerned, and yet excited, each clothed in sweaters, one with and H, the other with an R on it.
"There you are! Happy Christmas!" Harry seemed not to notice or care about her disheveled appearance, or the red, swollen appearance of her eyes, nor did Ron.
"Yeah, Happy Christmas, Hermione! Have you opened your presents?"
"Um." Her voice came out as a hoarse croak, "I have presents?" How could she have presents? Her world was crashing down on her- everything she knew was gone and dead or horribly wrong. How could she open presents with that knowledge weighing down upon her?
"Yeah, they should have been left by your bed, didn't you see them?" Anxiously Ron looked over her shoulder, standing on his toes, making it quite obvious that he, and probably Harry as well, wanted to see her unwrap them.
"Oh.I.err.I didn't look." Slowly she turned and looked on the other side of her bed, only to find a large stack of brightly colored packages, their adorable, perfect paper and ribbons making her inexplicably ill even as she wondered how she had forgotten this morning was Christmas. "I guess I just missed them before." Her scratchy voice was strangely hollow, and she found herself wishing they'd simply go away and leave her to wallow in her misery. She could remember them, knew how much she had loved them, but what did that matter now when six years a million miles seemed to separate them, but they didn't seem to notice, and insisted on sitting with her while she gloomily opened her gifts, absently deciding to visit the Professor later to let him know that the potion had worked, and perhaps ask him for a bit of his fire whiskey to lift her spirits and drown her sorrow.
*~~*~~*
"Hermione?! Hermione!"
Snape cracked his sore eyes and gazed out over the classroom, which had already been straitened completely by the house elves. Cringing at the sound of banging and shouting from the hallway, he pulled himself to his feet, feeling his back pop at least a dozen times. Slowly he hobbled out of the classroom, into his quarters, mind blank, head aching, and he longing to feel the insistent beating of the water from his shower head, praying it would wash away the sickening feeling of rejection that clung to him like a foul odor.
Beneath the spray of water, he scrub his body and hair, scrubbed until his skin was glowing bright pink, the lather from his hair running into his already burning eyes, and yet he still felt as though he was filthy. And there was an aching, churning void within him than no soap could possibly reach, and no amount of time would ever be able to heal. Absently he thought of the few ingredients he could easily mix and simmer to create a potion that would be both instant and painless- all he'd have to do is wander off somewhere that no one would find him, drink it, and he could simply rest. But a small voice inside him, the one which delighted in tormenting him, reminded Snape that indeed, he had made his bed, and now he must lie in it.
Stepping out of the bathroom, he suddenly found he had no desire to dress, or even run a comb through his hair, and instead walked over to his bed and limply sprawled across it, still in his towel, his thoughts automatically straying to Hermione, a subject that made his heat clench fiercely, and his stomach roll over.
Was he honestly that revolting to her? He had expected her to push him away, but vomit at the very thought of him? That was not something he normally expected, but then again, he had never been even remotely intimate with a student, former or otherwise. Had he honestly been that awful to her? His tightly clenched heart twisted violently as he remembered the incident when Draco had enlarged her teeth and he had made a terrible comment about it. Why did he have to be such a cruel bastard? What on Earth compelled him to be this way? Was it honestly necessary for him to torment the children of those who had tormented him as a child? Whatever the answer, it no longer mattered, what was done was done, and nothing would bring Hermione back into his arms.
Compulsively he opened his hand, briefly imagining her soft skin beneath his fingers before forcing himself to ball it into a fist once more, staring blankly at the wall, and the air of his room cool and drafty against his bare skin despite the crackling flames in the fireplace. For the first time since he became a Professor he found himself longing for the students to return, simply so life could resume.
He wasn't sure how long he lay there, drifting in and out of sleep, mind ever wandering over the past week, over the imprint of her touch, her voice, and her sweet smile which was branded into the landscape of his mind. No matter how much he chided himself, forced the emotions away, they refused to leave, and in the end he chose to simply endure them until they eventually, in time, faded.
He was violently jerked from his thoughts, though, when he heard a faint knocking on his classroom door. Cursing venomously he pushed himself up off his bed and quickly dressed in slacks and a shirt before reluctantly leaving his quarters just as the waiting person knocked once more.
Violently he flung open the door, daring whoever was beyond it to not have a decent reason for disturbing him, his glare and rigid state momentarily faltering when he found Hermione, looking more bedraggled than he had ever seen her, staring up at him. Her eyes were red and puffy; her robes slightly wrinkled, though she had changed since the night before, even though she appeared to not have gotten nearly enough sleep, though her still damp hair and the scent of lavender wafting in his direction gave away the fact that she had at least gotten a bath. It did not matter, though, she was still beautiful, and he still wanted to enfold her in his arms, but she was lost to him, and he found himself wondering what on Earth she could possibly want. "What do you want, Ms. Granger?" He used his coldest, most disgusted voice liberally, knowing it no longer made any difference.
Hermione flushed at the harshness of his voice and stepped back slightly, "I...I.just wanted.to say. thank you." Her voice trembled, and she couldn't help but feel incredibly offended- it had been he who had abandoned her, not the other way around. Tears threatened to spring from her eyes once more, now that her eyes had had a chance to rest. She had so hoped that he would pull her into his arms, comforting her, knowing the pain she was feeling, instead he had pushed her away once more, further than arms length this time.
Thankful for what? Letting her see the error of her ways? Enlightening her as to how despicable he really was? Or simply for helping her regain her memories? It didn't matter any more, no matter what her meaning, and so he simply narrowed his eyes, nodded, and then turned to leave, only to have her voice, and the feeling of her warm hand upon his arm stop him dead in his tracks.
"Sir, wait..please." Her voice was still hoarse, made worse by the newly forming lump in her throat. "Why.why did you leave last night?" Voice filled with both anger, and fathomless pain, her eyes bored in to him. She had needed him last night, plain and simple, and he had abandoned her- why did he constantly have to be so fickle?
"Ms. Granger, I am no fool, and it's my general belief that only fools play childish games such as that." He clenched his jaw tightly, unable to believe her audacity- was it not obvious?
Hermione felt a chill run up her spine as he glared at her, eye burrowing into her own, the muscles of his arm beneath her fingers tensing to a point she knew had to be painful, but how could she fear him? "Sir, I'm not playing games, I just wanted to know." She hesitated for a moment, wondering if it would even help, but decided to add it anyways- "You may look if you wish." Deliberately she matched his gaze, wondering if he would take her offer and plunge into her thoughts.
Perplexed, Snape tentatively, against his better judgment, dipped into the forefront of her mind, and found many things, pain, grief, anger, curiosity, confusion, but nothing of disgust, hate, or deceit. His findings frustrated him greatly, and it took all his will to keep from plundering her mind with his own, and picking apart all of its delicate secrets. Instead he quickly began to formulate an answer. Should he simply tell the truth, or an outright lie to cover his tracks? "I did not believe you wished for me to stay, Ms. Granger." It was a half truth, of course, but the best he could manage.
Before any tears had a chance to escape, Hermione reached up and wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve, her face reddening at the thought of him seeing her cry. If only he had been there for her last night- she would have had someone to lean on, a warm shoulder instead of the bathroom floor. "I...I really wish you hadn't left." Roughly she wiped away another tear which threatened to spill. "I.I needed you."
Snape was completely shocked and taken aback by both her statement, and the incredibly crushed and yet furious look upon her face. If she needed him, and wanted him to stay- why had she literally vomited at the very thought of him? "Ms. Granger, I find that extremely hard to believe when you vomited as soon as you recovered your memories of me." There. He had said it. He had tossed it out in the open, and suddenly felt his heart begin pounding frantically at the prospect of laying things out so openly, but he was beyond dancing around the subject anymore, and even further beyond reason.
Amazed at his misconception, Hermione slowly looked up at him, brow furrowed, mouth gaping. No wonder he had left without a second thought, no wonder he had been so bitter and foul thus far. "Sir, It wasn't the memories of you.it was just.overwhelming. Professor Dumbledore. my parents." Her voice faded and she quickly looked away, clenching her teeth as a wave a sorrow first flowed and then ebbed from her.
Reeling, Snape stepped back from her, his anger crashing down upon him. He had been such a blind fool, yet again. What had he done? Warmth and feeling rushed back into him, and he suddenly felt as though he had just awakened. "I.apologize, Ms. Granger, for my assumption."
"It's alright, sir." Hermione could not contain her amazement- she had never seen Snape apologize to anyone, not even a fellow Professor. "Thank you." Her amazement faded slightly as she realized the gravity of any situation in which the dreaded Potion's Master would apologize, and her gratitude brought tears once again straining to break free and fall from her eyes. She paused for only a second longer before instinctively seeking the comfort of his embrace, her arms slipping around his waist, her head against his chest, feeling the loneliness of the previous night and that morning slowly drift away, and all the while praying he wouldn't simply push her aside.
Shocked into immobility Snape simply stood stiffly in the doorway, looking down at the top of her head, his eyes wide. This had to be a dream, or perhaps he was hallucinating- but her body was so warm and real against his own, and everything was far too crisp and honest to be a delusion; but this wasn't how it was supposed to be- she should be in Potter's arms, or Minerva's, or one of the Weasley's, not nestled against Severus Snape in the cold, dank dungeons. It was incredibly wrong, he did not deserve a happy ending, and yet he knew it would be the end of him if it was not real. His terrible, aching sadness settled heavily on his heart, along with a healthy dose of trepidation, but easing it was along the edge was a glimmer of something not usually found in such a dismal place.hope. Slowly, terrified of what could happen, he snaked his hands behind her back and pulled her to him.
There was a brief, tense moment, and then she sighed long and heavily, gripping him even more tightly, her pain and grief welling up within her like a great tidal wave, threatening to wash her away, and Snape was the only think keeping her grounded . "Please don't let go, sir.don't ever let go." The last part was added as a simple after thought, but the honest need in her own voice shook her too the bone.
It was a rare occasion for Professor Snape to care what a person said, and even rarer for him to do what another person asked of him, but this was an occasion for both. He held her tightly as she sobbed against him, his heart aching for her, and rejoicing at the same moment. She needed him, wanted his arms around her, and his comfort, and for the first time he knew that indeed, it was real. And even with her mind unclouded, she still saw him as he was, as he could be- a man, plain and simple.
*~~~~~*~~~~~*
Something I Can Never Have
NIN
i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.
[Chorus:]
come on tell me.
make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
make this all go away.
you make this all go way.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this thing is slowly taking me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.
i just want something i can never have.
in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.
[Chorus]
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
i just want something i can never have
think i know what you meant.
that night on my bed.
still picking at this scab
i wish you were dead.
you sweat and perry ellis.
just stains on my sheets.
*~~~*~~~*
JEEEEEBUS this was a hard chapter to right, and I have little or no idea why *LOL*.I changed it about a thousand times, I know that, and I've been extremely busy and tired, I know that to.but still! It took forever! Gah! Anyways.I seriously apologize for that! Work has just been draining me completely, so has the "spring" cleaning we've been doing at home, not to mention planning my wedding- only 4 months to go!- which is also giving me an incredible amount of frigging headaches.anyways. I finally finished, proofreading and all.though yet again I'm giving you a none beta-ed version due to my haste in posting, though I did print it and revise it as a hard copy (easier for me to find mistakes) BTW, the last chapter has been beta- ed and reposted ^_^ thank you Cristy AKA Flashy! You rule the school with an iron fist!. Really the only reason I got to finish was because of this ice storm currently going on *L* my fiancé and I got to go home early because of it ;).next chapter expect more drama, more romance, and hopefully there will finally be a purpose for that R rating!.alright, on to the replies.
Jordanz: Yup, I'm awful :P especially for making ya'll wait so long for a new chapter! (.As for a love triangle- possibly if I write a sequel, but I think I have enough drama for this installation :D thank you for reading! You rock! ^_^
Jazzlady: Heehee! Neither could I.but I must admit her grief was a big obstacle, how to work it in and yet not allow it to hinder the development of the story? I actually thought about having her refuse to potion.but we all know how curious she is ;)
Az: thanks! ^_^
Hawaii5063: *LOL* yeah, I was so tempted to leave the little buggers out, or kill them off or something *L* but *sigh* ah well. And yup, things will definitely be different now, much more honest :D
Jessica (THM): Killer name! no pun intended :P Johnny rocks.. *LOL* yeah, their relations ship is pretty dang rocky.but the sailing will hopefully be much smoother after this chapter ;).
Risi: Yeah, I know : / damn boys..and Ginny *L*..wasn't anyone's idea, they just showed up.ack..I probably should have pointed that at..sorry (.. And you have an awesome point, I mean hell, it's been six years! But pain and bitterness can make people think unclearly : / ah well, no more of that! At least not much *L*
Nataly Ravenlock: Thanks! ^_^ I was so worried it would be too mushy *L* this story started out so dark now it keeps getting fluffy *LOL*.someone needs to die...J/k, sorry, couldn't resist :P..annnnd, no complaints here! ^_^ it wasn't really the amount, they just kind of errr..lacked enthusiasm? *L* I can't blame anyone, though, and I'm amazed anyone is still reading this silly story at all :D
Baby Gid Gurl: thank you!
Defender of the Spiffy: Thank ye! :D Sorry of the delay! ^_^
Someone28 *L* Dun Dun duuuuun *dramatic music* yup! *L* hope you enjoyed this one as well :D
Theoretically Insane: ack! Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long! ( I hope this next one comes easier to me!
Sweetygirl420: *L* I sowwy! Both for the terrible cliffy and the long delay : / forgive me? ^_-
Chibidaima: I'm getting close! I hope I can finish it to-I have NEVER finished a story before.and I've never come this close, either..I know I'll actually be able to get this one, though ;) hopefully it'll open the floodgate and it wont be so hard to in the future ^_^ I'm really glad you're enjoying the story!
Levans: thank you SO much! Here I was thinking I was wallowing a bit to much in their emotions- thank you for boosting my confidence! I honestly needed it! *huggles*
Anyways, thank you EVERYONE who had been reading! And double thanks to those of you who have been reviewing or have reviewed! You all rock, and it tickles me to death that you all actually care about this silly little story! *HUGS TO YOU ALL*