Disclaimers and summary on first chapter
Notes: Aw, Collins is back and he's a lot nicer in this chapter. I rather like this chapter, I hope you do as well. Thank you all for reading/reviewing!
Chapter 11 -You Were Scared-
+Roger's POV+
I can hear Mark talking with Collins through the door. I lift an arm to rub my eyes and realize I'm again covered in sweat. I drop my arm, annoyed. Something tightens in my stomach and for a moment I'm almost sick. Although it's getting better, it's far from over. The worst thing about withdrawal is how my hands shake. They never seem to stop. I'm constantly rubbing my arms or holding onto something or to Mark to try to prevent it, but nothing seems to work. Sometimes their shaking gets so I can't hold a glass or feed myself. It's embarrassing, but then Mark will do it for me and I'll hate myself and wonder how I could ever have left him.
The door opens quietly.
"Roger?" Mark asks softly.
"Mark. . ." Another clench in my stomach.
He comes in and stands next to the bed.
"I feel sick."
"Oh Rog. . ."
He turns away and digs through a pile of clothes. He comes up with some new ones for me and sets them down on the bed. He pulls the blankets off of me and helps me up. Gently he undresses me and helps me put the new clothes on. He takes the extra blanket off of the bed and reaches for my hand, leading me out of the room.
"Come lay out here for awhile."
I nod and follow him.
Collins is standing near the door. He gives me a gentle pat on the shoulder as I pass him. Since I've quit he's been rather friendly. That other guy who lives here is a real asshole though. If I'm in the room he'll excuse himself and flee to the one he shares with Collins. If he does choose to stay around he'll often glare at me or gawk openly when my arms are in his sight. I hate most of all that he is never embarrassed when I catch him doing it. If his eyes ever meet mine he'll just sneer at me or shake his head and look away.
I found out Maureen and Mark used to share a room, but she's been opting to spend her nights at her current boyfriend's apartment since I now spend most of my life in Mark's bed. He won't sleep there with me; instead he'll usually take the couch or bring a chair into the room if I feel especially bad.
He leads me to the couch and sits me down. He starts to move away and I reach for him, but he only smiles gently.
"I'll be right back."
I nod and lean into the worn cushions. He returns with a glass of water and a pill. I stare at it blankly.
"What the hell is that?"
"AZT. Collins bought you a bottle."
"What is it?"
"For your HIV, it'll help."
"Oh." I have heard of it before, I never imagined I'd be using it.
"Isn't that expensive?"
I hear Collins laugh as he walks back into the room.
"Not where I get it."
I take the pill from Mark, look at it hesitantly, then put it in my mouth. Taking a drink from the glass I swallow it.
"Thank you." I say to Collins.
He gives me another pat on the shoulder, grinning.
"No problem. With what you're going through, you need all the help you can get."
I try to return his grin, however weak mine turns out. He doesn't seem to mind, however. He grins again, this time in Mark's direction.
"I think this couch pulls out." He tells him. Mark smiles. He motions for me to get up and I do, and lean against the wall.
"Help me." Mark says to Collins. They remove the cushions and open up the couch, revealing a small mattress.
Mark leads me back to it and I sit down, leaning against the cushions and stretching out my legs. Mark sits beside me and Collins spreads the blanket over us. He checks the cheap digital clock across the room and then turns back to us.
"Well I'm off, you kids have fun." He smirks at us on his way out, waving once more before leaving.
I move closer to Mark, despite the warm blanket I'm still cold. I press my body against his and lay my head on his shoulder. I feel his arm go around me and then he pulls the blanket tight around me with his other.
"How is it today, Rog?"
I sigh and feel a shiver go through my body.
"Worse than yesterday, but better than usual."
He sighs and I feel him hesitantly kiss my hair. "At least you're not threatening to kill me anymore."
I smile and move my head so I can kiss his neck. "You know I didn't mean it, Marky."
I know he's trying to politely move away from my lips so I stop and again lay my head on his shoulder. He starts to ask me something, but stops.
"What?"
He shakes his head slightly. "No. I don't know if I want to know the answer."
"What?"
He sighs. "Do you regret it?"
"Only when I'm not with you."
He shakes his head again. "Not what I meant, sorry. Just forget it."
I pull away and look up at him. He's blushing and won't meet my gaze.
"What did you mean?"
"Do you regret leaving?"
I nod. "Yeah, I do."
He turns and his eyes find mine. "Why did you, Roger? Why did you do this to me, to us? Why did you leave me?" He whispers this, though his steady tone never falters.
I try to pull him back to me, I wrap my arms around his body and press mine against his.
"I love you Mark. I've missed you. I was so desperate to get out of Scarsdale, I didn't really think. Honestly, I wanted you to come with me. If there was anyone I wanted to run away to the city with, it would have been you."
"You never asked me."
"Would you have gone?"
He shakes his head, ignoring my question altogether. "Were you embarrassed of me? Of what we were?"
I push him off, angrily. "Me? You were the one who refused to let me hold your hand in public because you were afraid of what people thought. You were too fucking scared to tell your parents, you wouldn't even tell Maureen, and you were scared when she found out! The only time you'd let me touch you or acknowledge the fact that we were anything more than friends was when we were alone. And even then, even then Mark, you would find something to be afraid of."
"Fuck you, Roger. You have no idea. . ."
"What you went through? You think I didn't go through the same thing? Your problem was you focused too much on the fact that I was a guy and not enough on what really mattered; that we loved each other. You never grew up did you? You're still the only guest at your own personal pity party. Poor Marky, always poor Marky. Poor Marky is gay and loves his best friend Roger but is too fucking scared to admit it!"
He glares at me, his eyes wet and angry behind his glasses.
"I did love you!"
"What about now? Do you love me now Mark? Cause I don't need you to love me then, I need it now." I move close to him again and grab his arm. "I need to know you love me now, even like this."
"I do."
"Please. . ."
"I love you."
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him to me. He holds me close for a moment and then pulls away, but he's still near enough to share breath.
"I love you, Roger."
His lips find mine and we kiss gently for a few moments. When he again pulls away he lays his forehead against mine.
"I love you too." I whisper to him.
+++
Notes Continued: I might not update anymore till the weekend, I've got so much homework this week. I'll try to put up the next 4 chapters over the course of the weekend though. Thank you to my reviewers! You're sweet! How's this working for you? Not too weird with the different parts of time is it? Hope you're all enjoying it!
Notes: Aw, Collins is back and he's a lot nicer in this chapter. I rather like this chapter, I hope you do as well. Thank you all for reading/reviewing!
Chapter 11 -You Were Scared-
+Roger's POV+
I can hear Mark talking with Collins through the door. I lift an arm to rub my eyes and realize I'm again covered in sweat. I drop my arm, annoyed. Something tightens in my stomach and for a moment I'm almost sick. Although it's getting better, it's far from over. The worst thing about withdrawal is how my hands shake. They never seem to stop. I'm constantly rubbing my arms or holding onto something or to Mark to try to prevent it, but nothing seems to work. Sometimes their shaking gets so I can't hold a glass or feed myself. It's embarrassing, but then Mark will do it for me and I'll hate myself and wonder how I could ever have left him.
The door opens quietly.
"Roger?" Mark asks softly.
"Mark. . ." Another clench in my stomach.
He comes in and stands next to the bed.
"I feel sick."
"Oh Rog. . ."
He turns away and digs through a pile of clothes. He comes up with some new ones for me and sets them down on the bed. He pulls the blankets off of me and helps me up. Gently he undresses me and helps me put the new clothes on. He takes the extra blanket off of the bed and reaches for my hand, leading me out of the room.
"Come lay out here for awhile."
I nod and follow him.
Collins is standing near the door. He gives me a gentle pat on the shoulder as I pass him. Since I've quit he's been rather friendly. That other guy who lives here is a real asshole though. If I'm in the room he'll excuse himself and flee to the one he shares with Collins. If he does choose to stay around he'll often glare at me or gawk openly when my arms are in his sight. I hate most of all that he is never embarrassed when I catch him doing it. If his eyes ever meet mine he'll just sneer at me or shake his head and look away.
I found out Maureen and Mark used to share a room, but she's been opting to spend her nights at her current boyfriend's apartment since I now spend most of my life in Mark's bed. He won't sleep there with me; instead he'll usually take the couch or bring a chair into the room if I feel especially bad.
He leads me to the couch and sits me down. He starts to move away and I reach for him, but he only smiles gently.
"I'll be right back."
I nod and lean into the worn cushions. He returns with a glass of water and a pill. I stare at it blankly.
"What the hell is that?"
"AZT. Collins bought you a bottle."
"What is it?"
"For your HIV, it'll help."
"Oh." I have heard of it before, I never imagined I'd be using it.
"Isn't that expensive?"
I hear Collins laugh as he walks back into the room.
"Not where I get it."
I take the pill from Mark, look at it hesitantly, then put it in my mouth. Taking a drink from the glass I swallow it.
"Thank you." I say to Collins.
He gives me another pat on the shoulder, grinning.
"No problem. With what you're going through, you need all the help you can get."
I try to return his grin, however weak mine turns out. He doesn't seem to mind, however. He grins again, this time in Mark's direction.
"I think this couch pulls out." He tells him. Mark smiles. He motions for me to get up and I do, and lean against the wall.
"Help me." Mark says to Collins. They remove the cushions and open up the couch, revealing a small mattress.
Mark leads me back to it and I sit down, leaning against the cushions and stretching out my legs. Mark sits beside me and Collins spreads the blanket over us. He checks the cheap digital clock across the room and then turns back to us.
"Well I'm off, you kids have fun." He smirks at us on his way out, waving once more before leaving.
I move closer to Mark, despite the warm blanket I'm still cold. I press my body against his and lay my head on his shoulder. I feel his arm go around me and then he pulls the blanket tight around me with his other.
"How is it today, Rog?"
I sigh and feel a shiver go through my body.
"Worse than yesterday, but better than usual."
He sighs and I feel him hesitantly kiss my hair. "At least you're not threatening to kill me anymore."
I smile and move my head so I can kiss his neck. "You know I didn't mean it, Marky."
I know he's trying to politely move away from my lips so I stop and again lay my head on his shoulder. He starts to ask me something, but stops.
"What?"
He shakes his head slightly. "No. I don't know if I want to know the answer."
"What?"
He sighs. "Do you regret it?"
"Only when I'm not with you."
He shakes his head again. "Not what I meant, sorry. Just forget it."
I pull away and look up at him. He's blushing and won't meet my gaze.
"What did you mean?"
"Do you regret leaving?"
I nod. "Yeah, I do."
He turns and his eyes find mine. "Why did you, Roger? Why did you do this to me, to us? Why did you leave me?" He whispers this, though his steady tone never falters.
I try to pull him back to me, I wrap my arms around his body and press mine against his.
"I love you Mark. I've missed you. I was so desperate to get out of Scarsdale, I didn't really think. Honestly, I wanted you to come with me. If there was anyone I wanted to run away to the city with, it would have been you."
"You never asked me."
"Would you have gone?"
He shakes his head, ignoring my question altogether. "Were you embarrassed of me? Of what we were?"
I push him off, angrily. "Me? You were the one who refused to let me hold your hand in public because you were afraid of what people thought. You were too fucking scared to tell your parents, you wouldn't even tell Maureen, and you were scared when she found out! The only time you'd let me touch you or acknowledge the fact that we were anything more than friends was when we were alone. And even then, even then Mark, you would find something to be afraid of."
"Fuck you, Roger. You have no idea. . ."
"What you went through? You think I didn't go through the same thing? Your problem was you focused too much on the fact that I was a guy and not enough on what really mattered; that we loved each other. You never grew up did you? You're still the only guest at your own personal pity party. Poor Marky, always poor Marky. Poor Marky is gay and loves his best friend Roger but is too fucking scared to admit it!"
He glares at me, his eyes wet and angry behind his glasses.
"I did love you!"
"What about now? Do you love me now Mark? Cause I don't need you to love me then, I need it now." I move close to him again and grab his arm. "I need to know you love me now, even like this."
"I do."
"Please. . ."
"I love you."
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him to me. He holds me close for a moment and then pulls away, but he's still near enough to share breath.
"I love you, Roger."
His lips find mine and we kiss gently for a few moments. When he again pulls away he lays his forehead against mine.
"I love you too." I whisper to him.
+++
Notes Continued: I might not update anymore till the weekend, I've got so much homework this week. I'll try to put up the next 4 chapters over the course of the weekend though. Thank you to my reviewers! You're sweet! How's this working for you? Not too weird with the different parts of time is it? Hope you're all enjoying it!