Title: Here they come....
Rating: PG for now, because of slight swearing.
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. Good old-fashioned Mary Sue bashing. I'm taking requests for which character to do....
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. I wish I owned Faramir, but I don't. I only own Bob (yay!) and Aurora the Teal (the Mary Sue), but I don't want to. *shudder*
Chapter 2 Summary: Well, well, well. Denethor has a fangirl, who wrote a Mary Sue. Can't say much for her taste....but then, power is attractive, I suppose....
Author's Note: This one takes place after Boromir leaves, but a week or two before Gandalf and Pippin show up. My friend originally requested Aragorn, but kingmaker suggested Denethor, and it sounded more fun to do.... Oh, and if you've never seen/read "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins", you should. It's really funny.it's a music video done by Leonard Nemoy about The Hobbit. Cheesy, but that's what makes it so hilarious. Also, this one will have more of Krystal in it....and no, I'm not going to pull a Mary Sue and do a Faramir/Krystal love plot, no matter how much I'd like to. He marries Eowyn. End of story. The most that'll happen is her admiring him. *hears collective sigh of relief*
Review responses:
Pyro Faerie: I'd do Aragorn, but this is more of an unlikely-characters- getting-'Sued fic....maybe I'll post it as its own story....
Nringa Bleh: Thanks for all your reviews! I love your fic....No, he doesn't know Eowyn yet.... SO DO I! :D *glomps Faramir* Yeah, Sauron's daughter....I decided that it'll be my ME persona....Arwen? Hmm....I was thinking of someone different....it says who in this chapter. Bwahahahaha....
kingmaker: Thank you for your reviews on my stories! "Yes, it seems, that's all some fanfic villains can do well." LOL!!! Too true....Yes, poor Faramir. He does his best, though, and sees what she really is....go him! The Sue-banishing poem came to me at about two-thirty AM, like all my really good ideas....and I'll probably have someone figure out how to get rid of them on their own, but it's fun sticking myself in and dealing with the MSes personally.... BTW, when're you planning to update your fic?
littlegypsysquirrel: Theoden sounds good....I could do him next.... Haldir? Hmm....he gets MSes written about him, too....these are all supposed to be really unlikely....but I could post it under its own story, too....
"speaking" 'thoughts' *************************************************
As soon as the mysterious woman rode through the gate, everyone could sense her power. Her face was hidden by her blue-green hood. Although her matching cloak concealed her garments, there was no doubt whatsoever that she was female. She rode through the city on a magnificent palomino horse, carrying a staff made of cherry wood. She reached the Citadel, dismounted, whispered something to the horse, and strode towards the door that led to the hall, where sat the Lord Denethor. She entered and walked briskly to where Denethor was seated, her cloak billowing dramatically.
"Hail, Lord and Steward of Minas Tirith, Denethor son of Ecthelion," she said in a musical voice. Denethor immediately sat up. "I come to offer you my assistance in the fight against the Black Land," she continued, eyes glinting from under the hood.
"I would first like to know who you are, and why you offer me your help," Denethor said. The woman gave a laugh, a beautiful, musical laugh.
"Very wise, O Ruler of Gondor," she said. She removed her hood, revealing a beautiful, ivory face with large, turquoise eyes. Her hair spilled down in a long dark river, with teal streaks. "I am an Istari, the long-lost leader of the Council, Aurora the Teal." She took off her cloak. She was wearing a beautiful teal dress, trimmed with silver.
Denethor was speechless. Never in his life could he have imagined a more beautiful creature, except perhaps that Halithiena....no. This one was prettier. A dark shadow behind his chair that Aurora hadn't noticed sighed.
"Oh, no, not AGAIN!" it said. Denethor turned around, and dragged Bob out. He looked a little different from the last time we saw him-he wore the outfit of a Guard of the Citadel, and had bandages wrapped around his head.
Denethor frowned. "HOW many times do I have to tell you, Bob?" he shouted. "DON'T interrupt me when I'm talking!" He smacked Bob on the head with the stick that signified his Stewardship. Bob went back to hiding behind the chair, holding his head and muttering. Luckily, Denethor didn't hear it, because it went something like this: "Stupid Steward....oughta shove that stick up 'is ass....wait a minute, it already is....an' I thought ol' Vervaine was the only one oo'd 'it me on the 'ead...."
Denethor was busy talking to Aurora. She was telling him all the things she could do, including "controlling the weather, creating and controlling fire, helping growing things, healing, talking with animals, creating light, sewing, creating cookies out of thin air...." and so on. She had only just finished when Faramir walked in.
"Milord, Osgiliath is under atta-" he broke off when he noticed the Sue. "Oh no....not another one...." he said. 'Who will she be going after this time, I wonder?' he thought. 'Beregond, maybe. I hear Prince Imrahil will arrive in a few weeks....maybe she's waiting for him?'
Then he saw the way his father was looking at her. 'Oh no. No, no, no. No way. That's just scary.' He shook his head to clear it and brought himself back to the present.
"Send more men out to defend it," Denethor answered. "You know as well as I do that Osgiliath is the last defense of the city."
"There is need to defend Osgiliath?" Aurora asked. "Let me go. I will help as best I can."
Denethor nodded. "So be it. Faramir, please gather the men while I instruct Aurora about Osgiliath and our plight."
"As you wish, Father." Faramir bowed. Denethor, talking with Aurora, left the hall.
"Pathetic, isn't it?" a voice asked from somewhere near the roof. Faramir looked up quickly. Krystal was floating, cross-legged, in the shadows just under the ceiling.
"Yeah, sure is," Bob said, coming out of the shadows.
Faramir sighed. "You were right about me seeing you again," he said. "Although it's been a while, it hasn't been long enough."
"Well, how've things been going since I last saw you?" Krystal asked, floating down and landing lightly on the floor.
"Pretty well, in terms of Mary Sues at least." Bob and Krystal nodded sympathetically. Faramir continued, "The war hasn't been going too well. Boromir has left for Rivendell, but I do not know why."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't destroy the plotline for ya," Bob said, "But 'is reason fer leavin' is very important, an' you'll find out later wot it really was."
Krystal nodded at Bob. "Yeah, that's about all you should know," she said. "Now, however, I need some help from you two."
"What? Sauron's daughter needs 'elp?" Bob laughed.
Krystal glared. "Yes-I need to make a decision. I need to decide whether or not to get rid of the Mary Sue." Faramir was about to speak, but she cut him off. "I really hate Denethor," she said, "but I have to destroy Mary Sues. Also, I can't destroy the plotline. But if I send Denethor off to live out his days with the MS, I'll save a lot of trouble. What should I do?"
Bob spoke first. "I think ya oughta get rid o' that EB*. As far as I can remember, he's not that important, and besides, he nearly bur-"
"Sssssh!" Krystal said. "Don't destroy the plotline!" Bob muttered an apology. "Faramir?" she asked. "What do you think?"
Faramir thought. "I think your oaths to destroy Mary Sues and your duty to protect this 'plotline' are more important than your hatred of my father. You must keep your word."
"Oh yeah, you guys are a lot of help," Krystal pouted. "I personally think those two deserve each other, but Faramir's advice is wise. I'll think about it."
Faramir realized something. "I was supposed to be gathering the soldiers! I'd better hurry-" he said.
"Don't worry, I've taken care of that. They're all waiting for you at the gate," Krystal said, "But you should go out and meet them."
Faramir turned to leave, but he suddenly thought of something. "Krystal...."
"Yes?"
"If you are Sauron's daughter...."
"Yes?"
"Who's your mother?" he finished nervously.
Krystal grinned. "You really want to know?"
"Yes."
"Galadriel." Faramir's jaw dropped, and Bob burst out laughing.
"So, 'er an' Sauron, eh?" Bob said.
Krystal nodded. "It was the metal armor....she couldn't resist...." she replied, trailing off.
"I don't believe it, I just don't believe it!" Faramir said, beginning to laugh.
"You know, you really need to get out there...." Krystal said. Faramir nodded and left. Krystal watched him go, thinking what a lucky woman Eowyn was.
"So, what's it like, havin' a Dark Lord as a father?" Bob asked. Krystal shrugged.
"He's a bit repressive," she replied. "He still won't let me get my rider's license."
Bob laughed again. "Sauron is....repressive?"
"Yeah. Odd, isn't it. Being his and Galadriel's daughter has its benefits, though, like an endless amount of blackmail for both of them." She smiled evilly and turned to look out the tower window.
*************************************************
Faramir met up with the soldiers at the gate. Aurora was already there, mounted on her horse. Faramir turned his horse around, and rode through the gate. The riders followed, and were quickly galloping across the Pelennor towards Osgiliath.
*************************************************
Soon, Krystal's curiosity got the better of her. Invisible, she floated out the window and down to the fields, easily keeping up with the Riders. Once they reached Osgiliath she had to back off a bit-the orcs were shooting arrows, and she didn't want one of them to hit her. Aurora was fighting brilliantly, all the arrows that came anywhere close to the soldiers burst into flame. Every Orc that she hit with her staff or long, silver sword with a teal jewel on the hilt immediately died.
With her help, the Orcs were driven back beyond the river. The men cheered, and Aurora was about to lead a charge to retake the opposite bank, when they heard a shrill, bone-chilling scream.
"NAZGÛL!" Aurora shouted. Krystal rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Captain Obvious...." she muttered, turning to see which one it was. "Oh, it's Danny. Hey, Danny!" She flew over as fast as she could, giving the Seventh Ringwraith a hug. "I haven't seen you in AGES! Where've you been?"
Danny looked at her in surprise. "Hi, Krystal! Sorry about not being around....this little she-elf created this flood....and you know how I am about water...."
Krystal nodded sympathetically. Most of the Ringwraiths were hydrophobic, and Danny had it the worst. "You poor thing....it must've been horrible," she said. Danny nodded. "It was."
"Which one did it?" she asked. Danny thought. "She had really long black hair....blue eyes....curved sword....white horse...."
"Oh. Arwen." She groaned. Despite the fact that, technically speaking, Arwen was her niece, Krystal found her extremely annoying, especially because she stole Glorfindel's horse and his part in the movie. "I'd kill her for you, but if I did, I'd never be able to visit Rivendell again." She sighed sadly, then sat down on the dragon-thingy-Danny-was- riding's neck, crossed her legs, and asked, "So, any reason in particular you're here?"
Danny shook his head. "No, nothing besides the general capture-the- city bit. Why?"
"You'd better get out of here, Danny," Krystal said. "There's a Mary Sue down there. Danny gasped. "You're right....I'll go tell Sauron about the new one....in the meantime, do what you can. Okay? Oh, and if I can't convince Johnny not to come, try and keep her from heroically killing him."
Krystal nodded-Johnny Angmar was the leader of the Ringwraiths. He had a huge ego, and couldn't resist a challenge. "We'll both do our best," she said. "Now, go! The Sue's preparing a spell....get out of here before you're hurt!" She got off the dragon-thingy, and Danny flew off as fast as he could. Krystal watched the Mary Sue smile in triumph at supposedly driving off the Ringwraith, and continued to lead the soldiers in recapturing the east shore.
Aurora raised her sward into the air, crying in victory. A column of teal fire leapt from her sword into the sky, coruscating light illuminating the entire city.
*************************************************
"Oooh....fiiiiiiiire....preeeeeety....almost as pretty as she is...." Denethor said, leaning over the stone parapet at the top of the city.
"Stupid creepy old pyromaniac...." Bob muttered.
*************************************************
Aurora led the men back to Minas Tirith, Faramir riding behind, feeling a bit left out. Krystal hovered alongside, making herself visible to him.
"Sorry about her," Krystal said. "It happens to all of us. They take over. Hopefully, this one won't last very long."
Faramir nodded. "I hope so." They reached the city, where a large celebration began. Huge bonfires were lit, and everybody was being very happy and eating and getting drunk. In the middle of the celebration, Denethor found Aurora dancing in front of the largest fire. After watching her for a few minutes, he walked up to her.
"You were astounding today, Aurora," he said. She smiled.
"I did my best, Milord," she said. "I am just sorry I could not have finished that Nazgúl once and for all."
"Oh, fer cryin' out loud...." Bob muttered from the shadows. Aurora absentmindedly picked up her staff and thwacked him on the head. She was about to continue talking to Denethor when they heard a screech coming from above. Guess who it was?
"Oh, no...." Krystal moaned. She flew up, hands on her hips.
"JOHNNY ANGMAR!" Her eyes were blazing. "HOW many times do I have to TELL you?! You DON'T go after Mary Sues! They're more than you can handle! Remember, the "No living man can kill me" thing doesn't apply to them! WHAT do you have to say for yourself?"
Most of the city's inhabitants (at least, the ones still conscious and sober) were staring at the strange scene.
Johnny grinned. "I haven't fought one before. Besides, I'm the Witch- King of Angmar, greatest of the Nazgûl."
Krystal snorted. "Greatest of the Nazgûl....hah! A bunch of shrieking hydrophobes! Besides, you're gonna get your ass kicked by a girl....twice, if you hang around here!"
He shrugged. "No, I won't. You just watch and see!" With that, he swooped towards the Mary Sue.
"IT'S YOUR FUNERAL....AND I MEAN THAT LITERALLY!" she yelled after him. Johnny wasn't listening, however.
Aurora was already prepared to fight him. Denethor was standing a ways behind her. "Evil spawn of Mordor-prepare to meet your doom!" she shouted, swinging her staff. Johnny grinned, swooped down, and swung his mace at the MS. She vaporized it with a blast of teal light from her staff. She sent another blast of light at Johnny. Krystal snapped her fingers, slowing it down so it wouldn't kill him. He got knocked out, though, and Krystal had to grab the reins of his Fell Beast (A/N: I know what they're called now!) and sent it back to Mordor.
She decided she'd had enough. She alighted in front of Aurora.
"You!" Aurora gasped.
"Me." Krystal grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "You know, I thought I'd seen everything, but I must admit, I'm surprised. You went after Denethor."
"Anything wrong with that?" Aurora asked angrily. "He's the Steward of Gondor! Do you have any idea how much power he holds?"
"Do you have any idea how old he is?" Krystal sighed. I'm afraid I can't let you just stay, but that'd destroy the plotline." She took out the pen and recited the spell. When she finished, though, the Sue was still there, laughing.
"Don't you know? Halithiena was my friend. That silly poem won't work!" She laughed. All the people who were formerly celebrating were watching the confrontation.
Denethor suddenly walked in front of Aurora. "She may be a Mary Sue, but I don't care. I love her."
Krystal gagged. "Eww....Get out of my way." She knocked Denethor to the side. "Do you think I'm stupid?" she asked Aurora. "What kind of a Sue hunter do you think I am that I'd only have one way of killing them?"
With that, she began to sing.
"In the Middle of the Earth, In the land of the Shire, There's a brave little hobbit, That we all admire."
It was a silly tune, but Aurora's eyes were wide with shock.
"With a long, wooden pipe, Fuzzy wooly toes, He lives in a hobbit-hole And everybody knows him...."
Aurora began to scream at the tacky 70's-ness and collapsed. Krystal continued.
"Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins, Only three feet tall! Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins, The greatest little hobbit of them all."
The authoress paused, but the Sue wasn't quite gone yet. She began to stand up, murder in her eyes. Krystal hastily continued, and, just to be safe, she began to do the little dance that went with it.
"Now hobbits are peace Lovin' folks, you know, They're never in a hurry And they take things slow.
They don't like to travel Far away from home They just like to eat And be left alone."
Aurora was lying flat on the white stone. She began to dissolve. Krystal didn't stop; she was in full swing.
"But one day Bilbo Was asked to go, On a big adventure, Nah nah nah nah nah
To help some dwarves Get back their gold, That was stolen by a dragon In the days of o-old!"
The Sue was completely gone, and Faramir slowly walked up and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Um....Krystal?"
"Bilbo, Bilbo, Bil-what?"
"She's gone."
"Oh. Right. Yeah." Krystal blushed. "Don't make me do that again."
Faramir smiled. "Thanks again."
"You're welcome." Krystal looked at her watch. "Oh, dammit. Gotta go, guys....curfew."
"Curfew? You're Sauron's daughter, and you have CURFEW?" Faramir laughed.
"Yeah. Anyways, I'll see you later!" She disappeared. Denethor was standing up. It seemed he had recovered from his fall and the Sue-spell.
"Never speak of this again," he said in a commanding tone. "It never happened."
*************************************************
Finally, it's done! My writer's block has been conquered! Yay! This is long, I know.... R&R, please. I write this stuff for you, you know....
This is a link to a place where you can listen to "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins". Try it....it's hilarious.
Rating: PG for now, because of slight swearing.
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. Good old-fashioned Mary Sue bashing. I'm taking requests for which character to do....
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. I wish I owned Faramir, but I don't. I only own Bob (yay!) and Aurora the Teal (the Mary Sue), but I don't want to. *shudder*
Chapter 2 Summary: Well, well, well. Denethor has a fangirl, who wrote a Mary Sue. Can't say much for her taste....but then, power is attractive, I suppose....
Author's Note: This one takes place after Boromir leaves, but a week or two before Gandalf and Pippin show up. My friend originally requested Aragorn, but kingmaker suggested Denethor, and it sounded more fun to do.... Oh, and if you've never seen/read "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins", you should. It's really funny.it's a music video done by Leonard Nemoy about The Hobbit. Cheesy, but that's what makes it so hilarious. Also, this one will have more of Krystal in it....and no, I'm not going to pull a Mary Sue and do a Faramir/Krystal love plot, no matter how much I'd like to. He marries Eowyn. End of story. The most that'll happen is her admiring him. *hears collective sigh of relief*
Review responses:
Pyro Faerie: I'd do Aragorn, but this is more of an unlikely-characters- getting-'Sued fic....maybe I'll post it as its own story....
Nringa Bleh: Thanks for all your reviews! I love your fic....No, he doesn't know Eowyn yet.... SO DO I! :D *glomps Faramir* Yeah, Sauron's daughter....I decided that it'll be my ME persona....Arwen? Hmm....I was thinking of someone different....it says who in this chapter. Bwahahahaha....
kingmaker: Thank you for your reviews on my stories! "Yes, it seems, that's all some fanfic villains can do well." LOL!!! Too true....Yes, poor Faramir. He does his best, though, and sees what she really is....go him! The Sue-banishing poem came to me at about two-thirty AM, like all my really good ideas....and I'll probably have someone figure out how to get rid of them on their own, but it's fun sticking myself in and dealing with the MSes personally.... BTW, when're you planning to update your fic?
littlegypsysquirrel: Theoden sounds good....I could do him next.... Haldir? Hmm....he gets MSes written about him, too....these are all supposed to be really unlikely....but I could post it under its own story, too....
"speaking" 'thoughts' *************************************************
As soon as the mysterious woman rode through the gate, everyone could sense her power. Her face was hidden by her blue-green hood. Although her matching cloak concealed her garments, there was no doubt whatsoever that she was female. She rode through the city on a magnificent palomino horse, carrying a staff made of cherry wood. She reached the Citadel, dismounted, whispered something to the horse, and strode towards the door that led to the hall, where sat the Lord Denethor. She entered and walked briskly to where Denethor was seated, her cloak billowing dramatically.
"Hail, Lord and Steward of Minas Tirith, Denethor son of Ecthelion," she said in a musical voice. Denethor immediately sat up. "I come to offer you my assistance in the fight against the Black Land," she continued, eyes glinting from under the hood.
"I would first like to know who you are, and why you offer me your help," Denethor said. The woman gave a laugh, a beautiful, musical laugh.
"Very wise, O Ruler of Gondor," she said. She removed her hood, revealing a beautiful, ivory face with large, turquoise eyes. Her hair spilled down in a long dark river, with teal streaks. "I am an Istari, the long-lost leader of the Council, Aurora the Teal." She took off her cloak. She was wearing a beautiful teal dress, trimmed with silver.
Denethor was speechless. Never in his life could he have imagined a more beautiful creature, except perhaps that Halithiena....no. This one was prettier. A dark shadow behind his chair that Aurora hadn't noticed sighed.
"Oh, no, not AGAIN!" it said. Denethor turned around, and dragged Bob out. He looked a little different from the last time we saw him-he wore the outfit of a Guard of the Citadel, and had bandages wrapped around his head.
Denethor frowned. "HOW many times do I have to tell you, Bob?" he shouted. "DON'T interrupt me when I'm talking!" He smacked Bob on the head with the stick that signified his Stewardship. Bob went back to hiding behind the chair, holding his head and muttering. Luckily, Denethor didn't hear it, because it went something like this: "Stupid Steward....oughta shove that stick up 'is ass....wait a minute, it already is....an' I thought ol' Vervaine was the only one oo'd 'it me on the 'ead...."
Denethor was busy talking to Aurora. She was telling him all the things she could do, including "controlling the weather, creating and controlling fire, helping growing things, healing, talking with animals, creating light, sewing, creating cookies out of thin air...." and so on. She had only just finished when Faramir walked in.
"Milord, Osgiliath is under atta-" he broke off when he noticed the Sue. "Oh no....not another one...." he said. 'Who will she be going after this time, I wonder?' he thought. 'Beregond, maybe. I hear Prince Imrahil will arrive in a few weeks....maybe she's waiting for him?'
Then he saw the way his father was looking at her. 'Oh no. No, no, no. No way. That's just scary.' He shook his head to clear it and brought himself back to the present.
"Send more men out to defend it," Denethor answered. "You know as well as I do that Osgiliath is the last defense of the city."
"There is need to defend Osgiliath?" Aurora asked. "Let me go. I will help as best I can."
Denethor nodded. "So be it. Faramir, please gather the men while I instruct Aurora about Osgiliath and our plight."
"As you wish, Father." Faramir bowed. Denethor, talking with Aurora, left the hall.
"Pathetic, isn't it?" a voice asked from somewhere near the roof. Faramir looked up quickly. Krystal was floating, cross-legged, in the shadows just under the ceiling.
"Yeah, sure is," Bob said, coming out of the shadows.
Faramir sighed. "You were right about me seeing you again," he said. "Although it's been a while, it hasn't been long enough."
"Well, how've things been going since I last saw you?" Krystal asked, floating down and landing lightly on the floor.
"Pretty well, in terms of Mary Sues at least." Bob and Krystal nodded sympathetically. Faramir continued, "The war hasn't been going too well. Boromir has left for Rivendell, but I do not know why."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't destroy the plotline for ya," Bob said, "But 'is reason fer leavin' is very important, an' you'll find out later wot it really was."
Krystal nodded at Bob. "Yeah, that's about all you should know," she said. "Now, however, I need some help from you two."
"What? Sauron's daughter needs 'elp?" Bob laughed.
Krystal glared. "Yes-I need to make a decision. I need to decide whether or not to get rid of the Mary Sue." Faramir was about to speak, but she cut him off. "I really hate Denethor," she said, "but I have to destroy Mary Sues. Also, I can't destroy the plotline. But if I send Denethor off to live out his days with the MS, I'll save a lot of trouble. What should I do?"
Bob spoke first. "I think ya oughta get rid o' that EB*. As far as I can remember, he's not that important, and besides, he nearly bur-"
"Sssssh!" Krystal said. "Don't destroy the plotline!" Bob muttered an apology. "Faramir?" she asked. "What do you think?"
Faramir thought. "I think your oaths to destroy Mary Sues and your duty to protect this 'plotline' are more important than your hatred of my father. You must keep your word."
"Oh yeah, you guys are a lot of help," Krystal pouted. "I personally think those two deserve each other, but Faramir's advice is wise. I'll think about it."
Faramir realized something. "I was supposed to be gathering the soldiers! I'd better hurry-" he said.
"Don't worry, I've taken care of that. They're all waiting for you at the gate," Krystal said, "But you should go out and meet them."
Faramir turned to leave, but he suddenly thought of something. "Krystal...."
"Yes?"
"If you are Sauron's daughter...."
"Yes?"
"Who's your mother?" he finished nervously.
Krystal grinned. "You really want to know?"
"Yes."
"Galadriel." Faramir's jaw dropped, and Bob burst out laughing.
"So, 'er an' Sauron, eh?" Bob said.
Krystal nodded. "It was the metal armor....she couldn't resist...." she replied, trailing off.
"I don't believe it, I just don't believe it!" Faramir said, beginning to laugh.
"You know, you really need to get out there...." Krystal said. Faramir nodded and left. Krystal watched him go, thinking what a lucky woman Eowyn was.
"So, what's it like, havin' a Dark Lord as a father?" Bob asked. Krystal shrugged.
"He's a bit repressive," she replied. "He still won't let me get my rider's license."
Bob laughed again. "Sauron is....repressive?"
"Yeah. Odd, isn't it. Being his and Galadriel's daughter has its benefits, though, like an endless amount of blackmail for both of them." She smiled evilly and turned to look out the tower window.
*************************************************
Faramir met up with the soldiers at the gate. Aurora was already there, mounted on her horse. Faramir turned his horse around, and rode through the gate. The riders followed, and were quickly galloping across the Pelennor towards Osgiliath.
*************************************************
Soon, Krystal's curiosity got the better of her. Invisible, she floated out the window and down to the fields, easily keeping up with the Riders. Once they reached Osgiliath she had to back off a bit-the orcs were shooting arrows, and she didn't want one of them to hit her. Aurora was fighting brilliantly, all the arrows that came anywhere close to the soldiers burst into flame. Every Orc that she hit with her staff or long, silver sword with a teal jewel on the hilt immediately died.
With her help, the Orcs were driven back beyond the river. The men cheered, and Aurora was about to lead a charge to retake the opposite bank, when they heard a shrill, bone-chilling scream.
"NAZGÛL!" Aurora shouted. Krystal rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Captain Obvious...." she muttered, turning to see which one it was. "Oh, it's Danny. Hey, Danny!" She flew over as fast as she could, giving the Seventh Ringwraith a hug. "I haven't seen you in AGES! Where've you been?"
Danny looked at her in surprise. "Hi, Krystal! Sorry about not being around....this little she-elf created this flood....and you know how I am about water...."
Krystal nodded sympathetically. Most of the Ringwraiths were hydrophobic, and Danny had it the worst. "You poor thing....it must've been horrible," she said. Danny nodded. "It was."
"Which one did it?" she asked. Danny thought. "She had really long black hair....blue eyes....curved sword....white horse...."
"Oh. Arwen." She groaned. Despite the fact that, technically speaking, Arwen was her niece, Krystal found her extremely annoying, especially because she stole Glorfindel's horse and his part in the movie. "I'd kill her for you, but if I did, I'd never be able to visit Rivendell again." She sighed sadly, then sat down on the dragon-thingy-Danny-was- riding's neck, crossed her legs, and asked, "So, any reason in particular you're here?"
Danny shook his head. "No, nothing besides the general capture-the- city bit. Why?"
"You'd better get out of here, Danny," Krystal said. "There's a Mary Sue down there. Danny gasped. "You're right....I'll go tell Sauron about the new one....in the meantime, do what you can. Okay? Oh, and if I can't convince Johnny not to come, try and keep her from heroically killing him."
Krystal nodded-Johnny Angmar was the leader of the Ringwraiths. He had a huge ego, and couldn't resist a challenge. "We'll both do our best," she said. "Now, go! The Sue's preparing a spell....get out of here before you're hurt!" She got off the dragon-thingy, and Danny flew off as fast as he could. Krystal watched the Mary Sue smile in triumph at supposedly driving off the Ringwraith, and continued to lead the soldiers in recapturing the east shore.
Aurora raised her sward into the air, crying in victory. A column of teal fire leapt from her sword into the sky, coruscating light illuminating the entire city.
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"Oooh....fiiiiiiiire....preeeeeety....almost as pretty as she is...." Denethor said, leaning over the stone parapet at the top of the city.
"Stupid creepy old pyromaniac...." Bob muttered.
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Aurora led the men back to Minas Tirith, Faramir riding behind, feeling a bit left out. Krystal hovered alongside, making herself visible to him.
"Sorry about her," Krystal said. "It happens to all of us. They take over. Hopefully, this one won't last very long."
Faramir nodded. "I hope so." They reached the city, where a large celebration began. Huge bonfires were lit, and everybody was being very happy and eating and getting drunk. In the middle of the celebration, Denethor found Aurora dancing in front of the largest fire. After watching her for a few minutes, he walked up to her.
"You were astounding today, Aurora," he said. She smiled.
"I did my best, Milord," she said. "I am just sorry I could not have finished that Nazgúl once and for all."
"Oh, fer cryin' out loud...." Bob muttered from the shadows. Aurora absentmindedly picked up her staff and thwacked him on the head. She was about to continue talking to Denethor when they heard a screech coming from above. Guess who it was?
"Oh, no...." Krystal moaned. She flew up, hands on her hips.
"JOHNNY ANGMAR!" Her eyes were blazing. "HOW many times do I have to TELL you?! You DON'T go after Mary Sues! They're more than you can handle! Remember, the "No living man can kill me" thing doesn't apply to them! WHAT do you have to say for yourself?"
Most of the city's inhabitants (at least, the ones still conscious and sober) were staring at the strange scene.
Johnny grinned. "I haven't fought one before. Besides, I'm the Witch- King of Angmar, greatest of the Nazgûl."
Krystal snorted. "Greatest of the Nazgûl....hah! A bunch of shrieking hydrophobes! Besides, you're gonna get your ass kicked by a girl....twice, if you hang around here!"
He shrugged. "No, I won't. You just watch and see!" With that, he swooped towards the Mary Sue.
"IT'S YOUR FUNERAL....AND I MEAN THAT LITERALLY!" she yelled after him. Johnny wasn't listening, however.
Aurora was already prepared to fight him. Denethor was standing a ways behind her. "Evil spawn of Mordor-prepare to meet your doom!" she shouted, swinging her staff. Johnny grinned, swooped down, and swung his mace at the MS. She vaporized it with a blast of teal light from her staff. She sent another blast of light at Johnny. Krystal snapped her fingers, slowing it down so it wouldn't kill him. He got knocked out, though, and Krystal had to grab the reins of his Fell Beast (A/N: I know what they're called now!) and sent it back to Mordor.
She decided she'd had enough. She alighted in front of Aurora.
"You!" Aurora gasped.
"Me." Krystal grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "You know, I thought I'd seen everything, but I must admit, I'm surprised. You went after Denethor."
"Anything wrong with that?" Aurora asked angrily. "He's the Steward of Gondor! Do you have any idea how much power he holds?"
"Do you have any idea how old he is?" Krystal sighed. I'm afraid I can't let you just stay, but that'd destroy the plotline." She took out the pen and recited the spell. When she finished, though, the Sue was still there, laughing.
"Don't you know? Halithiena was my friend. That silly poem won't work!" She laughed. All the people who were formerly celebrating were watching the confrontation.
Denethor suddenly walked in front of Aurora. "She may be a Mary Sue, but I don't care. I love her."
Krystal gagged. "Eww....Get out of my way." She knocked Denethor to the side. "Do you think I'm stupid?" she asked Aurora. "What kind of a Sue hunter do you think I am that I'd only have one way of killing them?"
With that, she began to sing.
"In the Middle of the Earth, In the land of the Shire, There's a brave little hobbit, That we all admire."
It was a silly tune, but Aurora's eyes were wide with shock.
"With a long, wooden pipe, Fuzzy wooly toes, He lives in a hobbit-hole And everybody knows him...."
Aurora began to scream at the tacky 70's-ness and collapsed. Krystal continued.
"Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins, Only three feet tall! Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins, The greatest little hobbit of them all."
The authoress paused, but the Sue wasn't quite gone yet. She began to stand up, murder in her eyes. Krystal hastily continued, and, just to be safe, she began to do the little dance that went with it.
"Now hobbits are peace Lovin' folks, you know, They're never in a hurry And they take things slow.
They don't like to travel Far away from home They just like to eat And be left alone."
Aurora was lying flat on the white stone. She began to dissolve. Krystal didn't stop; she was in full swing.
"But one day Bilbo Was asked to go, On a big adventure, Nah nah nah nah nah
To help some dwarves Get back their gold, That was stolen by a dragon In the days of o-old!"
The Sue was completely gone, and Faramir slowly walked up and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Um....Krystal?"
"Bilbo, Bilbo, Bil-what?"
"She's gone."
"Oh. Right. Yeah." Krystal blushed. "Don't make me do that again."
Faramir smiled. "Thanks again."
"You're welcome." Krystal looked at her watch. "Oh, dammit. Gotta go, guys....curfew."
"Curfew? You're Sauron's daughter, and you have CURFEW?" Faramir laughed.
"Yeah. Anyways, I'll see you later!" She disappeared. Denethor was standing up. It seemed he had recovered from his fall and the Sue-spell.
"Never speak of this again," he said in a commanding tone. "It never happened."
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Finally, it's done! My writer's block has been conquered! Yay! This is long, I know.... R&R, please. I write this stuff for you, you know....
This is a link to a place where you can listen to "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins". Try it....it's hilarious.