If You Were Gay (Slightly Changed)
By Akari Van Halen
Disclaimer: I own no characters or rights to Law & Order or to Avenue Q.
I must say that this was way too insane the first time I heard it! Hope you like it!
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[Ed sits at his desk, apparently reading something.]
Ed: [to himself] Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, Famous Detectives of the 19th Century. No partner to bother me. How could it get any better than this?
Lennie: [bursts in] Hi, Ed!
Ed: [sulking] Hi, Lennie.
Lennie: Hey Ed, you won't believe what happened to me on the subway this morning! This guy was smi-ling at me and tal-king to me—
Ed: Hmm...[sarcastically] that's very interesting.
Lennie: And he was being real friendly. And—heh—I think he was comin' on to me! I think he might've thought I was gay!
Ed: [clears throat] So why...why are you telling me this? Hmm? Why should I care? I don't care! What did you have for lunch today?
Lennie: Well... you don't have to get all defensive—
Ed: I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE! [calms down] Why do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I am trying to read!
Lennie: Well, I didn't mean anything by it, Ed. I-I just think it's something we should be able to talk about—
Ed: Well, I do not want to talk about it, Lennie! This conversation is over.
Lennie: Yeah, but Ed, I—
Ed: OVER!
Lennie: Well, okay, but just so you know. [sings the following; Ed does not sing (sorry; I didn't write this!).]
If you were gay
That'd be okay
I mean, 'cause hey,
I'd like you anyway
Ed: Grrr...
Lennie: Because you see
If it were me
I would feel free to say
That I was gay
But I'm not gay
Ed: Lennie, please, I am trying to read!
[Lennie glares at Ed]
WHAT???
Lennie: If you were queer
Ed: Rrr...Lennie!
Lennie: I'd still be here
Ed: Lennie, I am trying to read this book!
Lennie: Year after year
Ed: [really ticked off] LENNIE!
Lennie: Because you're dear to me
Ed: AAH!!!
Lennie: And I know that you—
Ed: What?
Lennie: Would accept me too—
Ed: I would?
Lennie: If I told you today,
"Hey, guess what? I'm gay!"
But I'm not gay!
I'm happy just being with you
Ed:[trying to ignore by reading] Sherlock Holmes! And Watson!
Lennie: So what should it matter to me
What you do in bed with guys?
Ed: Lennie, that is wrong!
Lennie: No it's not! Ed:
If you were gay
Ohhh...
I'd shout, "Hooray!"
I am NOT listening!
And here I'd stay
LA LA LA LA LA!
But I wouldn't get in your way
AAAAHHH!!!
You can count on me
To always be
Beside you every day
To tell you, "It's okay"
You were just born that way
And as they say, "It's in your DNA!"
You're gay!
Ed: I AM NOT GAY!!!
Lennie: ...if you were gay!
Ed: AAAAHHH!!!