Chapter 17
Deepest Sympathy
It was instant and unnecessary popularity. Everyone in the whole school had found out what had happened, and seemed thoroughly and downright proud. And even though Lily didn't even want to think about it, she was the one people turned to, to find out the blow-by-blow details.
It was as though everyone in the school became best friends with Lily overnight, all for something she'd rather forget. She was constantly in the spotlight. Even when she was just doing her homework, people would rush up to her to talk, or just watch her from afar. Lily wasn't sure which was worse.
There were only the select few people who didn't seem to think that Lily had acted heroically behind the mirror-- Lily for one-- but Lucius Malfoy thought that she was just trying to sit in the limelight for once.
But the thing that made days at Hogwarts unbearable was the fact that everyone believed. Everyone-- including the small first years and the ghosts, and the teachers-- everyone believed that Voldemort was real. Nobody questioned that he was powerful. Nobody thought that it was over.
But most of all, nobody would say his name. People started to think that Voldemort would pop up out of the earth and kill you if you even whispered his name. It was cursed. If you said 'Voldemort', students would gasp softly and look away, as though it were a vile and sick swear word. Only Lily and the marauders and Belle felt comfortable using his real name. But when they did, people gave them strange and uncomfortable looks. One pupil even told them to shut the hell up.
But the weird and admiring looks only made Lily uncomfortable. Couldn't they just suck it up and back off? Why were they all acting like such babies?
Sure, it was scary—Lily now knew that more than anyone. But as Dumbledore told everyone one cold, crisp, rainy morning, "Fear in a name only increases the fear in the thing itself." Couldn't people take that advice seriously and stop calling Voldemort You-Know-Who and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?
But the one thing that bothered Lily the most was the fact that everyone thought she was like a bomb, or something, that was about to explode in tears. The teachers constantly were asking if she was okay, or if she needed to see the nurse. McGonagall was always reminding her that if Lily needed to talk, she'd be there. It made Lily want to puke. But when Sirius and Remus started asking if she was all right, she snapped.
"YES! I'm fine! Could you all just STOP?!" She hollered at them.
"Geeze. Okay." Sirius said, making a face.
The whole situation didn't even seem to be bothering Sirius. He had just shrugged the whole thing off. He answered the questions truthfully when asked, but otherwise avoided the topic and went back to being his ordinary, goofy self. He almost seemed to be taking it upon himself to lighten everyone's spirits. It worked, of course.
James, on the other hand, had gone into silence. He would perk up, but as soon as Voldemort was brought up--boom. He was off in no-man's-land. Lily got the impression that he was doing deep thinking at times like these, but as soon as the topic wore off, he was back to himself.
Something that did keep James's spirits high was the Marauder's Map. One night he brought it out to show Lily, and she was amazed.
He just tapped his wand on the paper, muttered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." And the map of Hogwarts materialized before her eyes. It spread out like a spider web, twisting and turning and drawing itself, until it was finished. There were at least seven passages to different places. All of them were clearly marked and Lily suddenly noticed that there were little ink people strolling through the halls.
"What's that?" She asked, pointing to the little ink person labeled Minerva McGonagall.
"That's Professor McGonagall." James said happily. "See, we made the map so it could show you where people were, as well as passages. It helps for sneaking out." He explained.
"Oh! I get it." Lily said. "So you won't run into people you don't want to?"
"Exactly." He said.
So, with the Marauder's Map nearly completed, James was looking happier and happier. And with the Hogsmeade trips slowly approaching, Lily was sure that James was hoping to test their invention then.
A few days later, another letter from Amos Diggory arrived in the owl post. Lily suddenly had a pang of guilt in her lower stomach when she remembered that she hadn't mailed a letter back all year.
To my darling Lily Evans,
I heard what happened at Hogwarts only but two hours ago. I can't express in words how horrible and afraid I feel. Are you all right? Those Death Eaters didn't hurt you, did they? You have all my prayers to a speedy recovery.
Everyone I talk to assures me that you're safe, and that they were after some James Potter. Lily, I must suggest that you stay away from that boy until these horrendous attacks subside and this crackpot You-Know-Who is behind the Azkaban bars.
The Ministry of Magic is trying to convince Dumbledore to allow Azkaban guards at Hogwarts, but he flat out refuses. He says they're untrustworthy and we shouldn't have them at Azkaban, even. Why he feels so strongly about this, I don't know. But with a little more convincing, we'll have Dementors at the school gates as soon as possible to ensure that this doesn't happen again.
I just want to express my deepest sympathy that this happened to you. It shouldn't have. You don't deserve to live in hiding… and I know that's destined to be the fate of James Potter.
To be honest with you Lily, I was worried when I didn't receive any letters from you this year. I hope that you still want to hear from me.
That stab of guilt again.
I just pray you GOT those letters. I know that if you give us a chance, you'd see. We're meant for each other, Lily Evans. I love you.
Hoping to hear from you
With all my love, now and forever,
Amos Diggory
Lily sighed. Strangely, the first thing she thought when she had finished was that he called Voldemort You-Know-Who. He was afraid, just like everybody else.
So he still loved her. Lily reread the letter again, and again after that. Did she like getting these letters from Amos? They made her feel strangely. But was that a good thing?
Lily wasn't quite certain, but she pulled out a blank piece of parchment anyway. Then she thought. Could she honestly tell Amos that she loved him? Should she say that she loved his letters… and wanted to marry him?
Did she?
She assured herself that she didn't. Besides, 17 was too young to get married-- even if she wanted to. Which I don't, anyway. And she most definitely didn't love Amos. Sure, she thought he was nice, but as far as a boyfriend goes, Lily was sure Amos wouldn't make a good one.
Dear Amos,
Yes, I got each one of your letters. To be honest, I thought that they were very kind and you flatter me.
Lily quickly crumpled that letter up. It sounded too formal… and Amos wasn't dear. And the letters didn't flatter her. She wasn't going to lie to him.
Hey Amos!
I'm doing all right, I guess. I mean, obviously, I'm not perfect. But everything's getting a lot better now. And no, the Death Eaters didn't hurt me-- only mentally.
But anyway, yes, I got all of your letters. To be honest, the first one surprised me so much, I didn't know what to write back. So I didn't. Then, when the second one came, I still didn't know what to say. I'm speechless, Amos. I still don't know what to tell you.
All I know is that I'm shocked.
Why do you love me? Is there a good reason? Because I know from experience that it's impossible to love somebody as goofy, and uncoordinated as me. And I know that you have high expectations for yourself… and that's good. But I don't understand how you could adore me as much as you do. Don't get me wrong-- it's sweet… but I don't get it.
But please don't say you love me. You really don't even know who I am, anymore. You haven't talked to me in over a year… how can you really want me? I mean, if you really love me, then you have to understand that I need time. I hardly even know you. The only things I know are what you've said in your letters.
As for marrying you! I really doubt that will work out, Amos. You have to be serious. You're 19, and I'm only 17. I don't know if you were only joking, but it sure sounds like it. You always think things through to the end… and that's what I like about you.
So think this through, and you'll see that it will only take us to a place that we cannot go. Especially now.
And as for staying away from James! I can't believe that you would even say something like that! James is amazing, and you've never even met him. It's not like he's leading me into danger… I just tend to follow him. He protects me, anyway. I'm sure you heard what happened in my 6th year, so I won't even explain. But you're not my parent… or my boyfriend, so don't try to be.
From your friend,
Lily Evans
Lily read over her letter. It was harsh, but that was how she felt. If he hated her for it, then so be it. Maybe it would be better that way. The thing that confused her was why Amos seemed to hate James so much. He'd never really met James before… unless you counted playing against him in Quidditch. It almost seemed as though he thought she and James were going to run off and get married… leaving Amos Lily-less. But that was just sad, desperate and pathetic.
Lily shrugged, and put her letter in an envelope and addressed it carefully in her best handwriting. Maybe now Amos would get a clue.