Disclaimers and summary on first chapter
Notes: Sorry for my absence, I mentioned my vacation. Though my parents decided it would be fun to stay ALL of spring break, therefore I'm rather bitter about it. I have 4 chapters ready, I just have to type them so look out for all of them hopefully today but possibly tomorrow as well. :P Hope all you fellow schoolchildren had better breaks than I did! I only proofread each of these once so there might be a few grammatical mistakes. You can point them out to me if you'd like or I'll just find them myself later.
Chapter 31 -I Can't Give In-
+Roger's POV+ (a month later)
I watch Mark and Maureen bitterly, balancing my guitar in my lap. He knows she cheats on him and that she likes to stay out all night but he either doesn't care or just wants to hold onto her. I sit on the table, watching them in what we consider our kitchen. Maureen is trying to find something to eat in a cabinet and Mark moves to wrap his arms around her from behind. She shrugs him off.
"Marky, please."
She resumes her search and I look down at my guitar so I don't have to see the hurt in Mark's eyes.
"I'm gonna be late tonight." She tells him.
"Of course." He says, leaning against the wall and sighing.
She turns to glare at him. "What does that mean?"
He shakes his head. "Whatever." He smiles feebly before turning to leave. "Have fun."
He leaves her standing in the kitchen and goes into their room and shuts the door. I glare at Maureen.
"Why do we never have any food?" She asks, annoyed.
"Because we don't have any money." I tell her angrily. She had quit her job a couple weeks ago and since then finding food besides the now half- eaten box of Captain Crunch on the table had been difficult.
"Well why don't one of you get a job?" She says, exasperated, finally just filling a paper cup with water from the tap.
"You had a job, you quit!"
"It was interfering with my auditions."
I roll my eyes. "Then why didn't you say something then? You realize we have no money, no food and that fucker, Benny, turned off our electricity?"
"So get a job! I'm leaving!" She slams the door on her way out.
I shake my head at the closed door and squint down at my guitar. Though it's not entirely dark outside, it's getting nearly impossible to see well in here. I hear Mark's door open and turn toward the sound.
"Is she gone?" He asks quietly.
I nod, but realize he might not see it.
"Yeah, she told me to get a job and left."
"Oh." He comes over and sits on the table next to me.
"I get paid tomorrow." He says softly.
"Paid from what?" I ask confused.
"I got a job about a week ago. I get paid for the first time tomorrow."
"Doing what? Why? Why didn't you tell anyone?"
He shrugs. "I wanted to wait till I got paid."
"Where?"
"Washing dishes at The Life." He shrugs again. "It doesn't pay very much, but we don't need a lot. Just food and your AZT. . ."
I stare at him. How had he known that the half full bottle Collins had given me had run out two weeks ago? Is that really why he was working now? To pay for my AZT?
"Mark, you don't have to. . ."
"You need it, Roger. You should have told me sooner when you ran out. And you can't work or anything. . ."
"Why couldn't I work?"
"Well, you're still, I mean you still get sick sometimes, and you wouldn't want to do normal work anyway."
"I'm fine, Mark! Dammit, I don't need you to take care of me!"
He rolls his eyes. "Obviously you need someone to take care of you. Look what happens when you're on your own!"
I stand up with my guitar and start to walk away.
"Fuck you!"
I hear him sigh quietly as I slam the door to my room. Damn him for being right, for knowing me well enough. I put my guitar back into its case and fall onto my bed. I wish I could hate him, I really do. But I have no reason to. It's not his fault. He still loves me and would take me back now if I asked him to. I can't possibly hurt him anymore than Maureen is, can I? But that can't happen, I tell myself stubbornly. No matter what, I can't give in.
+++
I open my eyes when I hear a voice outside my door. It's Mark and for a moment I think he's talking to me. I get out of bed and stand with my ear pressed against the door.
"What am I supposed to do, Collins? I still love him! More than I could ever love Maureen, and believe me, I feel horrible when I say it because it's every bit as cruel as it sounds."
He pauses and I know Collins is talking, probably very slowly in his calming voice to urge him to settle down.
"Yeah, he's clean. He still gets sick sometimes, but he's better. But he won't leave the loft. He'll just sit on the table, holding his guitar, not playing it, just holding it and watching the floor or us if we're around. And. . . what?"
"I don't know." I hear him sigh. "I know Maureen cheats on me, I know that's what she's doing right now somewhere. . ."
"Yeah it bothers me, but what can I do about it? Having her there, knowing that I'm 'with' someone feels good, you know?"
"I do love her, just not in the same way I love Roger. God, I wish you were here."
He lets out a half-hearted laugh. "Yeah, I totally miss that passionate sexual encounters we've never had." He says sarcastically.
"What do I do, Collins?" He asks desperately, his mood shifting back to depression and anxiety.
"I guess. Thanks. When can you come back?"
I hear him sigh. "Alright. Bye, then."
I lean heavily against the door, hating myself. No matter what I do I end up hurting him.
I go back to my bed, with my face pressed into the flat pillow, hoping to suffocate. I find myself agreeing with Mark in wishing that Collins was here. I barely know him, but somehow that doesn't seem to matter and might actually help.
I suppose I can just sit here and pine for a while. I hear Mark knock on my door and softly call out my name but I force myself to ignore him.
He deserves better anyway.
+++
Notes Continued: The phone works if there's no electricity. . . right? It does on my planet. I think. I don't really remember. Wow, 10 days in Florida and I'm brain dead. Must be the sun.
Notes: Sorry for my absence, I mentioned my vacation. Though my parents decided it would be fun to stay ALL of spring break, therefore I'm rather bitter about it. I have 4 chapters ready, I just have to type them so look out for all of them hopefully today but possibly tomorrow as well. :P Hope all you fellow schoolchildren had better breaks than I did! I only proofread each of these once so there might be a few grammatical mistakes. You can point them out to me if you'd like or I'll just find them myself later.
Chapter 31 -I Can't Give In-
+Roger's POV+ (a month later)
I watch Mark and Maureen bitterly, balancing my guitar in my lap. He knows she cheats on him and that she likes to stay out all night but he either doesn't care or just wants to hold onto her. I sit on the table, watching them in what we consider our kitchen. Maureen is trying to find something to eat in a cabinet and Mark moves to wrap his arms around her from behind. She shrugs him off.
"Marky, please."
She resumes her search and I look down at my guitar so I don't have to see the hurt in Mark's eyes.
"I'm gonna be late tonight." She tells him.
"Of course." He says, leaning against the wall and sighing.
She turns to glare at him. "What does that mean?"
He shakes his head. "Whatever." He smiles feebly before turning to leave. "Have fun."
He leaves her standing in the kitchen and goes into their room and shuts the door. I glare at Maureen.
"Why do we never have any food?" She asks, annoyed.
"Because we don't have any money." I tell her angrily. She had quit her job a couple weeks ago and since then finding food besides the now half- eaten box of Captain Crunch on the table had been difficult.
"Well why don't one of you get a job?" She says, exasperated, finally just filling a paper cup with water from the tap.
"You had a job, you quit!"
"It was interfering with my auditions."
I roll my eyes. "Then why didn't you say something then? You realize we have no money, no food and that fucker, Benny, turned off our electricity?"
"So get a job! I'm leaving!" She slams the door on her way out.
I shake my head at the closed door and squint down at my guitar. Though it's not entirely dark outside, it's getting nearly impossible to see well in here. I hear Mark's door open and turn toward the sound.
"Is she gone?" He asks quietly.
I nod, but realize he might not see it.
"Yeah, she told me to get a job and left."
"Oh." He comes over and sits on the table next to me.
"I get paid tomorrow." He says softly.
"Paid from what?" I ask confused.
"I got a job about a week ago. I get paid for the first time tomorrow."
"Doing what? Why? Why didn't you tell anyone?"
He shrugs. "I wanted to wait till I got paid."
"Where?"
"Washing dishes at The Life." He shrugs again. "It doesn't pay very much, but we don't need a lot. Just food and your AZT. . ."
I stare at him. How had he known that the half full bottle Collins had given me had run out two weeks ago? Is that really why he was working now? To pay for my AZT?
"Mark, you don't have to. . ."
"You need it, Roger. You should have told me sooner when you ran out. And you can't work or anything. . ."
"Why couldn't I work?"
"Well, you're still, I mean you still get sick sometimes, and you wouldn't want to do normal work anyway."
"I'm fine, Mark! Dammit, I don't need you to take care of me!"
He rolls his eyes. "Obviously you need someone to take care of you. Look what happens when you're on your own!"
I stand up with my guitar and start to walk away.
"Fuck you!"
I hear him sigh quietly as I slam the door to my room. Damn him for being right, for knowing me well enough. I put my guitar back into its case and fall onto my bed. I wish I could hate him, I really do. But I have no reason to. It's not his fault. He still loves me and would take me back now if I asked him to. I can't possibly hurt him anymore than Maureen is, can I? But that can't happen, I tell myself stubbornly. No matter what, I can't give in.
+++
I open my eyes when I hear a voice outside my door. It's Mark and for a moment I think he's talking to me. I get out of bed and stand with my ear pressed against the door.
"What am I supposed to do, Collins? I still love him! More than I could ever love Maureen, and believe me, I feel horrible when I say it because it's every bit as cruel as it sounds."
He pauses and I know Collins is talking, probably very slowly in his calming voice to urge him to settle down.
"Yeah, he's clean. He still gets sick sometimes, but he's better. But he won't leave the loft. He'll just sit on the table, holding his guitar, not playing it, just holding it and watching the floor or us if we're around. And. . . what?"
"I don't know." I hear him sigh. "I know Maureen cheats on me, I know that's what she's doing right now somewhere. . ."
"Yeah it bothers me, but what can I do about it? Having her there, knowing that I'm 'with' someone feels good, you know?"
"I do love her, just not in the same way I love Roger. God, I wish you were here."
He lets out a half-hearted laugh. "Yeah, I totally miss that passionate sexual encounters we've never had." He says sarcastically.
"What do I do, Collins?" He asks desperately, his mood shifting back to depression and anxiety.
"I guess. Thanks. When can you come back?"
I hear him sigh. "Alright. Bye, then."
I lean heavily against the door, hating myself. No matter what I do I end up hurting him.
I go back to my bed, with my face pressed into the flat pillow, hoping to suffocate. I find myself agreeing with Mark in wishing that Collins was here. I barely know him, but somehow that doesn't seem to matter and might actually help.
I suppose I can just sit here and pine for a while. I hear Mark knock on my door and softly call out my name but I force myself to ignore him.
He deserves better anyway.
+++
Notes Continued: The phone works if there's no electricity. . . right? It does on my planet. I think. I don't really remember. Wow, 10 days in Florida and I'm brain dead. Must be the sun.