Disclaimers and summary on first chapter
Notes: Sorry this took so long guys, this was a really hard chapter to write, cause I didn't know exactly how to do it. I didn't want to use a lot of dialogue from RENT, so the RENT chapters take place in breaks in time in the musical or when certain characters are offstage. This first one is right after Mimi leaves after 'Light My Candle'.
Chapter 35 -Alive-
+Roger's POV+
I close the door behind her and lean against it.
They call her Mimi.
I call her beautiful.
But no, dammit. I saw her smack, I held the bag, and for a moment I wanted it all, I wanted her. Good thing she's gone, I think, glaring fiercely at the door as I back away from it. She's the last thing I need.
I sigh.
Like the powder she held in her hand, I don't need it, but I sure as hell want it.
Another time, maybe, another place. If I wasn't sick because of what she's killing herself with now. If she wasn't so young and beautiful, her sweet little mouth curving in such a way that made me think of April before heroin. Maybe just if I wasn't me. And if I didn't still love Mark.
G chord. This guitar's shit. I set it down and rest my head in my hands.
Maybe it is time to start living again. What has it been? I calculate in my head, nearly 6 months. I stare at the door longingly. The secret of life is in that girl.
Huh. Right. Just like I used to think it was in April and the way she lived all those years ago in high school. Look what's happened to me anytime I got involved in it. Maybe those two can handle it, but I obviously can't.
April handled it well, certainly.
I cringe, thinking of the blood. Bloody water in the bathtub where she lay, her blonde hair floating out around her, the lips curved upwards into that horrible smile. Eternally seductive, forbidden, illogical and erotic. But dead.
Mimi's mouth, that lovely little pout she has. Alive.
Mark staring at me in hurt and disbelief when I told him we couldn't be together.
My own reflection, thin and sallow. Bitter and cold. What do I have to share with anyone anymore? I used to be alive. I used to be able to walk into rooms the same way that Mimi does, with that insufferable confidence. I used to pull everyone through life with me. My friends, my band, my mom, Mark.
Now all I do is hold everyone back.
It's not too late to start again. It's not too late for me. I walk toward the door and pick up my coat. I don't remember the last time I wore it. I start to slip it on, then drop it and kick it out of the way.
An unfortunate lack of faith on my part stops me. What if I go out there and fuck it all up again? What if I see The Man and start begging for smack? What if I see Mimi and I'm tempted? I'm so enthralled by the unfamiliar presence I wouldn't doubt it. What if I see Mark? He can't know that after months of trying to persuade me to go out for a walk, or out filming with him or to find another band or do much of anything, that a perfect stranger, a sweet little girl with a beautiful mouth, enticed me to resume my place in the world.
I pick up my guitar again.
I still love him.
I sigh.
And I hate myself for it.
+++
Notes Continued: Yeah, it's really short, sorry. And nothing really happened either! Mmm. . . pointless. All right, I promise more will happen for Roger next R POV chapter but for now indulge in a little Markness! Proceed to Chapter 36 and be enlightened!
Notes: Sorry this took so long guys, this was a really hard chapter to write, cause I didn't know exactly how to do it. I didn't want to use a lot of dialogue from RENT, so the RENT chapters take place in breaks in time in the musical or when certain characters are offstage. This first one is right after Mimi leaves after 'Light My Candle'.
Chapter 35 -Alive-
+Roger's POV+
I close the door behind her and lean against it.
They call her Mimi.
I call her beautiful.
But no, dammit. I saw her smack, I held the bag, and for a moment I wanted it all, I wanted her. Good thing she's gone, I think, glaring fiercely at the door as I back away from it. She's the last thing I need.
I sigh.
Like the powder she held in her hand, I don't need it, but I sure as hell want it.
Another time, maybe, another place. If I wasn't sick because of what she's killing herself with now. If she wasn't so young and beautiful, her sweet little mouth curving in such a way that made me think of April before heroin. Maybe just if I wasn't me. And if I didn't still love Mark.
G chord. This guitar's shit. I set it down and rest my head in my hands.
Maybe it is time to start living again. What has it been? I calculate in my head, nearly 6 months. I stare at the door longingly. The secret of life is in that girl.
Huh. Right. Just like I used to think it was in April and the way she lived all those years ago in high school. Look what's happened to me anytime I got involved in it. Maybe those two can handle it, but I obviously can't.
April handled it well, certainly.
I cringe, thinking of the blood. Bloody water in the bathtub where she lay, her blonde hair floating out around her, the lips curved upwards into that horrible smile. Eternally seductive, forbidden, illogical and erotic. But dead.
Mimi's mouth, that lovely little pout she has. Alive.
Mark staring at me in hurt and disbelief when I told him we couldn't be together.
My own reflection, thin and sallow. Bitter and cold. What do I have to share with anyone anymore? I used to be alive. I used to be able to walk into rooms the same way that Mimi does, with that insufferable confidence. I used to pull everyone through life with me. My friends, my band, my mom, Mark.
Now all I do is hold everyone back.
It's not too late to start again. It's not too late for me. I walk toward the door and pick up my coat. I don't remember the last time I wore it. I start to slip it on, then drop it and kick it out of the way.
An unfortunate lack of faith on my part stops me. What if I go out there and fuck it all up again? What if I see The Man and start begging for smack? What if I see Mimi and I'm tempted? I'm so enthralled by the unfamiliar presence I wouldn't doubt it. What if I see Mark? He can't know that after months of trying to persuade me to go out for a walk, or out filming with him or to find another band or do much of anything, that a perfect stranger, a sweet little girl with a beautiful mouth, enticed me to resume my place in the world.
I pick up my guitar again.
I still love him.
I sigh.
And I hate myself for it.
+++
Notes Continued: Yeah, it's really short, sorry. And nothing really happened either! Mmm. . . pointless. All right, I promise more will happen for Roger next R POV chapter but for now indulge in a little Markness! Proceed to Chapter 36 and be enlightened!