Disclaimers and summary on first chapter
Notes: Happy Bunny Day! (If you celebrate that, I don't so I don't know why I bothered.) The first part of this is during the very end of 'La Vie Boheme', then it jumps around a bit. There will probably only be one or two more RENT chapters. Enjoy! And as usual, thanks for reading/reviewing!
Chapter 37 -No Day But Today-
+Roger's POV+
I kiss her gently on the lips.
With Mark still sore over Maureen's betrayal, Collins wrapped up in Angel, and Maureen's hefty mood swings, not to mention her new girlfriend, Mimi only wants me.
And I think I like that.
She's dying too. She's going through what I did. She understands in a way Mark never could. But how does she manage to live through this all? How can she dance around the room and flirt and laugh knowing she's dying? How can she not spend hours each day pondering how best to spend her final years? Her quest is to be known, mine to be remembered. I'm living in the future.
No day but today, after all.
She reminds me of how I was, and maybe, if I'm with her, she can help me change.
How strange. I'd forgotten how to live, how to love. I'd forgotten how to smile.
I watch her face, her little mouth spreading into the sweetest smile I've ever seen, better than April's. Mark never smiled enough. Sometimes I felt he was smiling only for me, and I didn't like that. I wanted him to be happy without me, I still do. I just want him to be happy.
And the more I think about it now, the more I know he's going to have to be able to live without me, because nothing I have is guaranteed anymore.
Mark hands me our coats. For a moment my hand touches his, our eyes meet. He's hurt, I know. Then, he gives me a small smile. It's small, and his eyes are sad, and it's a terrific effort for him, but it means he accepts it. He wants the same for me I want for him. I feel Mimi's hand in mine and look away from Mark and see her smile, her eyes and forget Mark. She pulls on my hand and I hand her her coat and follow her outside.
I don't look back.
+++
It's still snowing, and we're both covered in it. I walk with Mimi's hand in mine, listening to her talk. She has a nice voice. Everything about her is lovely. Her voice, her eyes, her smile. The seductive sway of her little hips beneath her coat, the snow in her hair, on her shoulder, her eyelashes. I stop her and she looks up at me.
That toughness, that ferocity is a cover. Her eyes are gentle, calm. Her grip on my hand is soft, a comfort. She has me now, she knows it. Her seduction games are over, we can just be together.
I lean over and kiss her again. She lays her other hand on the side of my face, her hand warm on my cold skin. She smiles at me and giggles when I pull away and I gather her to me, holding her little body against mine. She lays her head against my chest and I rest my chin on her curls. The snow is in my eyes, I can hardly see, but it doesn't matter. I just hold her and breathe.
Live.
+++
I wasn't ready for Mimi and I should have known it. In the wonderful times I had forgotten smack, how she used it. Often, carelessly. Her lifestyle is wild, her nights long. I wasn't prepared for it, and now I don't think I want it. That sort of thing is past for me. Nights I want to spend with her alone, she'll leave me for a club. I won't deny the effect she's had on me, but the sense of solitude I'm often left with is not what I had in mind when I first kissed her.
I never see her when she's high, but I'll see the mood swings after it. I know the girl that screams at me to leave her alone and get out of her business is not the one I followed out of The Life on Christmas Eve, that I had hoped would jumpstart my new life. I'm so in love with her it hurts, but nights I'm sitting alone in her apartment waiting for her to come home at 3 or sometimes 4 am, I hate myself for leaving Mark and putting both of us through this. He's basically alone in the loft now. I haven't seen him in over a week. It would be longer except that brief hello on the stairs before a giggling Mimi shoved me into our apartment.
I can't handle finding little bags of heroin next to her bed or on the table. I couldn't handle happening upon a spare needle when I opened the wrong drawer yesterday. What it does to me still frightens me, and I hate that she uses it. She's sicker than I am, she has less time. But no day but today and she plows onwards. Stop today so you can live tomorrow, Mimi. Enjoy today, Roger, it's all you have.
I want to talk to Mark, but I've forgotten how. Mimi has become my world, my life. My dependency on her and her lack of concern for her own well being killing me. I ran out of AZT weeks ago, but have no money to replace it. Mimi only takes hers if she feels like it. Most of the time when her beeper goes off she ignores it. I think about asking Mark for help to buy more, but he can't afford it either and I'm not his problem.
I'm almost more withdrawn than I was before I met Mimi. When she's not here I waste time with my guitar, waiting for the moment she comes back, hoping it's a good day and I won't get the bad end of a mood swing.
There's good, though. With her, there's good. In the simplest sense that she understands. Mark will never know, hopefully, what we know. That tomorrow's events could start our descent. Of course that's true for anyone, but knowing it, having to accept it like we do, that's not. Mark doesn't know, he doesn't understand. He's realized that I'm sick, that I'm not going to be around when he's older, but he hasn't accepted it. Mimi won't let me waste my life. When I'm with her I have to be 'living'. Not that I blame him, but that was Mark's only mistake. He asked me if I wanted to leave the loft, he didn't tell me to. If Mimi wants me to take her out, I take her out. If I say no we end up going out anyway. Mimi gets angry with me when she finds me sitting up for her at 4 am. You've been here all night? Waiting for you. Stop waiting, live a little.
I'm not her world, why should she be mine?
+++ (Spring)
I can't control my jealousy.
I hate cheating. I've never cheated on anyone. It's quite possibly the only moral I've upheld entirely throughout my life. It's not even necessarily that Mimi cheats on me. I don't know if she does or not. What Mimi likes is to know she can. She'll flirt with someone until she knows she has them, then leave or find some excuse to get away. It's the chase she really wants, not the action. I hate it though. It doesn't fit with her mantra. Why go after what you don't have? Appreciate what you do. But no day but today and she goes out more often now.
And Benny.
I've never liked him, but of course he's never liked me. I don't want his old girlfriend, and I hate that I know they were once together. He uses her to try to hurt me. That crap on New Years was made up, I know now it probably never happened and knowing he tried to sabotage her to get at me makes me angry. Once, while we were talking, she asked me about my last lover. I decided not to tell her about Mark, and instead told her about April, the girl I had told her she reminded me of. I was brief, blunt. I didn't really want to think about it. But then Mimi started talking about this great guy she was with for a while a few months ago. I asked her his name and when she told me it was Benny I was furious at her and I can't exactly remember why. I recall asking that if she liked Benny so much more why wasn't she with him now? I recall being a real asshole about the whole thing, but then again, I've never liked Benny.
The only time I'm ever really angry with her is when she brings up Benny or if I catch her in one of her little seduction games. I don't want to lose her, but sometimes I think I might be pushing her further away every time I yell at her for this stuff. My mom once told me not to worry about stupid things in a relationship, or you'll never get far. I don't know where she gets off, giving me relationship advice, but I've always tried to follow it. I fail often, like in everything I do, but I've always remembered it. I try to write off Mimi's flirtatiousness as a quirk, just another characteristic personality flaw, but it's hard. I can't control the way watching her touch another guy's arm in the same way she'll lay her little fingers on mine makes me feel.
Angry.
+++
Notes Continued: Ok I sort of lied, really not much happened. Just more insight on their relationship. Maybe next R-POV? Hope you enjoyed anyway, thanks for reading/reviewing! (Don't worry M/R fanatics, adult M/R will be happily boinking again before you know it.)
Notes: Happy Bunny Day! (If you celebrate that, I don't so I don't know why I bothered.) The first part of this is during the very end of 'La Vie Boheme', then it jumps around a bit. There will probably only be one or two more RENT chapters. Enjoy! And as usual, thanks for reading/reviewing!
Chapter 37 -No Day But Today-
+Roger's POV+
I kiss her gently on the lips.
With Mark still sore over Maureen's betrayal, Collins wrapped up in Angel, and Maureen's hefty mood swings, not to mention her new girlfriend, Mimi only wants me.
And I think I like that.
She's dying too. She's going through what I did. She understands in a way Mark never could. But how does she manage to live through this all? How can she dance around the room and flirt and laugh knowing she's dying? How can she not spend hours each day pondering how best to spend her final years? Her quest is to be known, mine to be remembered. I'm living in the future.
No day but today, after all.
She reminds me of how I was, and maybe, if I'm with her, she can help me change.
How strange. I'd forgotten how to live, how to love. I'd forgotten how to smile.
I watch her face, her little mouth spreading into the sweetest smile I've ever seen, better than April's. Mark never smiled enough. Sometimes I felt he was smiling only for me, and I didn't like that. I wanted him to be happy without me, I still do. I just want him to be happy.
And the more I think about it now, the more I know he's going to have to be able to live without me, because nothing I have is guaranteed anymore.
Mark hands me our coats. For a moment my hand touches his, our eyes meet. He's hurt, I know. Then, he gives me a small smile. It's small, and his eyes are sad, and it's a terrific effort for him, but it means he accepts it. He wants the same for me I want for him. I feel Mimi's hand in mine and look away from Mark and see her smile, her eyes and forget Mark. She pulls on my hand and I hand her her coat and follow her outside.
I don't look back.
+++
It's still snowing, and we're both covered in it. I walk with Mimi's hand in mine, listening to her talk. She has a nice voice. Everything about her is lovely. Her voice, her eyes, her smile. The seductive sway of her little hips beneath her coat, the snow in her hair, on her shoulder, her eyelashes. I stop her and she looks up at me.
That toughness, that ferocity is a cover. Her eyes are gentle, calm. Her grip on my hand is soft, a comfort. She has me now, she knows it. Her seduction games are over, we can just be together.
I lean over and kiss her again. She lays her other hand on the side of my face, her hand warm on my cold skin. She smiles at me and giggles when I pull away and I gather her to me, holding her little body against mine. She lays her head against my chest and I rest my chin on her curls. The snow is in my eyes, I can hardly see, but it doesn't matter. I just hold her and breathe.
Live.
+++
I wasn't ready for Mimi and I should have known it. In the wonderful times I had forgotten smack, how she used it. Often, carelessly. Her lifestyle is wild, her nights long. I wasn't prepared for it, and now I don't think I want it. That sort of thing is past for me. Nights I want to spend with her alone, she'll leave me for a club. I won't deny the effect she's had on me, but the sense of solitude I'm often left with is not what I had in mind when I first kissed her.
I never see her when she's high, but I'll see the mood swings after it. I know the girl that screams at me to leave her alone and get out of her business is not the one I followed out of The Life on Christmas Eve, that I had hoped would jumpstart my new life. I'm so in love with her it hurts, but nights I'm sitting alone in her apartment waiting for her to come home at 3 or sometimes 4 am, I hate myself for leaving Mark and putting both of us through this. He's basically alone in the loft now. I haven't seen him in over a week. It would be longer except that brief hello on the stairs before a giggling Mimi shoved me into our apartment.
I can't handle finding little bags of heroin next to her bed or on the table. I couldn't handle happening upon a spare needle when I opened the wrong drawer yesterday. What it does to me still frightens me, and I hate that she uses it. She's sicker than I am, she has less time. But no day but today and she plows onwards. Stop today so you can live tomorrow, Mimi. Enjoy today, Roger, it's all you have.
I want to talk to Mark, but I've forgotten how. Mimi has become my world, my life. My dependency on her and her lack of concern for her own well being killing me. I ran out of AZT weeks ago, but have no money to replace it. Mimi only takes hers if she feels like it. Most of the time when her beeper goes off she ignores it. I think about asking Mark for help to buy more, but he can't afford it either and I'm not his problem.
I'm almost more withdrawn than I was before I met Mimi. When she's not here I waste time with my guitar, waiting for the moment she comes back, hoping it's a good day and I won't get the bad end of a mood swing.
There's good, though. With her, there's good. In the simplest sense that she understands. Mark will never know, hopefully, what we know. That tomorrow's events could start our descent. Of course that's true for anyone, but knowing it, having to accept it like we do, that's not. Mark doesn't know, he doesn't understand. He's realized that I'm sick, that I'm not going to be around when he's older, but he hasn't accepted it. Mimi won't let me waste my life. When I'm with her I have to be 'living'. Not that I blame him, but that was Mark's only mistake. He asked me if I wanted to leave the loft, he didn't tell me to. If Mimi wants me to take her out, I take her out. If I say no we end up going out anyway. Mimi gets angry with me when she finds me sitting up for her at 4 am. You've been here all night? Waiting for you. Stop waiting, live a little.
I'm not her world, why should she be mine?
+++ (Spring)
I can't control my jealousy.
I hate cheating. I've never cheated on anyone. It's quite possibly the only moral I've upheld entirely throughout my life. It's not even necessarily that Mimi cheats on me. I don't know if she does or not. What Mimi likes is to know she can. She'll flirt with someone until she knows she has them, then leave or find some excuse to get away. It's the chase she really wants, not the action. I hate it though. It doesn't fit with her mantra. Why go after what you don't have? Appreciate what you do. But no day but today and she goes out more often now.
And Benny.
I've never liked him, but of course he's never liked me. I don't want his old girlfriend, and I hate that I know they were once together. He uses her to try to hurt me. That crap on New Years was made up, I know now it probably never happened and knowing he tried to sabotage her to get at me makes me angry. Once, while we were talking, she asked me about my last lover. I decided not to tell her about Mark, and instead told her about April, the girl I had told her she reminded me of. I was brief, blunt. I didn't really want to think about it. But then Mimi started talking about this great guy she was with for a while a few months ago. I asked her his name and when she told me it was Benny I was furious at her and I can't exactly remember why. I recall asking that if she liked Benny so much more why wasn't she with him now? I recall being a real asshole about the whole thing, but then again, I've never liked Benny.
The only time I'm ever really angry with her is when she brings up Benny or if I catch her in one of her little seduction games. I don't want to lose her, but sometimes I think I might be pushing her further away every time I yell at her for this stuff. My mom once told me not to worry about stupid things in a relationship, or you'll never get far. I don't know where she gets off, giving me relationship advice, but I've always tried to follow it. I fail often, like in everything I do, but I've always remembered it. I try to write off Mimi's flirtatiousness as a quirk, just another characteristic personality flaw, but it's hard. I can't control the way watching her touch another guy's arm in the same way she'll lay her little fingers on mine makes me feel.
Angry.
+++
Notes Continued: Ok I sort of lied, really not much happened. Just more insight on their relationship. Maybe next R-POV? Hope you enjoyed anyway, thanks for reading/reviewing! (Don't worry M/R fanatics, adult M/R will be happily boinking again before you know it.)