Disclaimers and summary on first chapter
Notes: Ok I lied. This chapter is actually post-RENT, not during RENT like I said it would be. Not that I think you're going to complain, you wonderful people. Have I mentioned your reviews light up my life? 50+ now too. Heh. Cool. It's kind of sad how excited I get when I see the bot@fanfiction.net notices in my inbox. Fucking review junkie I am. Heh. Kind of like Roger! Wow, too bad I'm not funny. Lol. Thanks you guys, you rule. :P
Chapter 41 -Look Into And Love Completely-
+Roger's POV+
Mimi rests against me, I run my fingers through her hair absently. She tilts up her head and smiles at me and reaches for my hand, that I let her take. She squeezes it gently and closes her eyes. I kiss her forehead and let my head rest against hers. An hour ago I thought I had lost her, and my world seemed to close in upon me. Watching her hand fall to her side, her breathing slow and stop. . .
It's best not to think about it.
She coughs suddenly, her hand going to her mouth as her body reacts. I instantly reach out to hold her but she pushes me off. When she leans back again she looks down into her palm and tries to inconspicuously wipe it on her pants. I grab her wrist and see the slightly smeared blood droplets. It isn't much, but it's there all the same. She pulls her hand away, roughly.
"Mimi, are you. . ."
"I'm fine, Roger." She says harshly, standing up.
I sigh deeply, standing, and try to put my arms around her again. At first she pushes me away, but then she lets me hold her. I rub her back gently. I look at her in surprise when I hear a muffled sobbing. She hesitantly looks up, her eyes wet and her lower lip trembling slightly.
"Mimi. . ."
"I don't want to die, Roger." She whispers weakly.
"Hey," I say softly, brushing her hair out of her face. "You're fine." I try to smile for her. "You're going to be fine."
"I'm sorry."
I kiss her forehead. "For what, baby?"
She sniffs and a couple fresh tears roll down her cheeks. "For everything." She shakes her head. "I'm horrible."
I pull her close. "No, you're not horrible. No one's perfect, Mimi. It's ok."
I feel her little hands on my back, gripping tightly to my shirt.
"It's alright. It's alright." I tell her.
She sniffs again and pulls away enough to wipe her eyes with one of her hands.
"I never cry." She says, laughing softly.
"Sometimes it's ok." I say, smiling at her.
She coughs weakly into her hand. "Not for me." She gestures toward the couch. "I need to sit down."
I sit down and she sits on my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and lays her head against my chest. I hold her tightly, whispering to her occasionally, telling her she's alright, that she'll be fine.
"I love you, Roger."
"I know, baby, I love you too."
Her arms slip from around my neck and she wraps them around her body. Her breathing is horrible, shallow and hoarse.
"Hey, Mimi?"
"Hm?"
I sigh and kiss her hair gently.
"Shouldn't you see a doctor or something? I mean. . ."
She sighs, annoyed. "I'm fine, Roger. At least that's what you keep telling me." She says bitterly.
"You will be, but you have to take care of yourself."
She pulls away from me and shakily stands up.
"I suppose you're gonna want me to give up smack and stop going out. Stop having fun altogether?"
I stand up too.
"Your idea of fun is seeing how many ways you can try to kill yourself in one night! Your idea of fun is leaving me here while you go out and fuck whoever you want. Your. . ."
"Fuck you!" She screams and starts coughing again, her whole body shaking from the force. I forget my anger and rush toward her.
"Mimi? Mimi are you. . ."
She pushes me away from her with all her strength, which isn't much, especially not now, so I hardly move.
"Fuck off, Roger."
I throw up my hands in frustration.
"What the fuck do you want from me?" I shake my head. "You know what? Never mind. Forget it!"
Angrily I rush out, slamming the door to her apartment on the way out. Upstairs Mark is sitting alone on the table, holding his camera. When I come in he looks up but doesn't smile. I start pacing back and forth in front of him, too pissed to speak.
"I heard you yelling, downstairs." He says softly, shaking his head. "And only an hour ago she was. . ."
"I know, Mark!" I yell. He cringes and I feel horrible. I go and stand beside him.
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just, well she gets me so mad." I look away, clenching a fist.
"Then why bother, Rog? She gives you far more pain than love in the end."
I look up at him. "I thought you thought I was happy."
He smirks. "C'mon, I know you better than that. I know when you're really happy and when you just think you are, or when you're pretending to be."
I climb up beside him. "I love her, I really do."
"I know you do, but think about what's really good for you. Drugs, clubs, that shit is in your past. You're above it now. She's not." He lays his hand on my shoulder. "I really don't want to lose you to that again, Rog. It'd be one thing if she wanted to change, but she doesn't."
Angrily I wipe away the tears that are forming. Is Mark really telling me to break up with Mimi? Am I really doubting that I should?
"I can't, Mark. I can't." I rest my head in my hands. "I don't want to be alone."
He's silent for a long time.
"You don't have to be, you know." He says quietly.
My eyes meet his. "Mark. . ."
He looks away. "I mean, I hate that you do this to yourself! Instead of being concerned about what you'll do to me, think about yourself! What does Mimi do to you? You. . ."
I stand up. "You don't know what you're talking about! Don't talk about her like that!"
He sighs. "Roger. . ."
"No! What is it with all of you? What is wrong with Mimi?"
He stands up too, his fists clenched at his sides. "Other than that she cheats on you, she's still in love with Benny, she shoots up, she's never there for you. . ."
I push him backwards. "Stop it!"
He falls and winces when he tries to sit up. He glares up at me.
"Fuck you, Roger. Forget it."
He grabs hold of the table to help himself up and then starts to walk away.
"Mark, wait! I'm sorry, really, I'm. . ."
He looks back at me. "Just stop, Roger. Really." He sniffs and turns away quickly. I feel horrible, as usual.
"Mark? No, please. . ."
But he's gone, slammed the door to his room. I stare at it for a moment, then fall to my knees. Shit.
What am I doing? Why do I try so hard to protect Mimi? Why did I push him? I'm such an asshole. I watch his door, praying for him to open it. The only thing I can do is to knock and hope he answers. Apologize. Hopefully he'll listen to me, though I wouldn't blame him if he doesn't. Why should he?
Hesitantly I go toward his room and knock gently.
"Fuck off, Roger."
"Mark? Please? I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."
"Just leave me alone, Roger."
I put my hand on the knob. None of these doors lock. Taking a deep breath I push it open. He's sitting on the edge of his bed and he glares at me when I look in.
"I said to. . ."
"Wait." I come in and kneel next to him. "Please, just listen to me."
He continues his cold stare, but is silent.
I sigh and look at the floor.
"I'm sorry, Mark. I just, you, I love Mimi, ok? When you and Maureen and anyone say shit about her. . ." I trail off, not knowing how to say what I mean. "You know?"
"No, I don't Roger. You're not making any sense."
"I mean, you can't just. . ."
He cuts me off. "Roger, just listen to yourself." He looks down at my hands, gripping the edge of the bed. "Your hands are shaking." He gives me a hard look. "Are you on something?"
I pull back, hurt. "No!"
"Are you sure?"
I stare up into his eyes. I once thought they were the only eyes I'd ever look into and love completely. And now when I see that he's no longer angry, but concerned, I know I was right. I reach for his hands and he takes mine and slides off his bed to kneel beside me on the floor.
He looks down at our hands and then back up at me. "I still love you, Roger. I want you to know that." He sighs. "But I want you to be happy. If you love Mimi, I can. . ."
I kiss him suddenly, surprising both of us. He almost pulls back, but then leans into it, returning my kiss. I drop one of his hands and lay my hand on his shoulder, his goes to my cheek and soon we're in a complete embrace. When we finally break apart he looks up at me in a painful sort of hope.
"Roger. . ."
"I love you, Mark." I sigh and start to pull away from him. "But. . ."
He pushes me away and stands up. "But? Jesus, Roger! What do you. . ."
I stand. "No! I didn't mean that! I. . ."
"What did you mean? Don't bother, I know! You love Mimi! Of course! How could I even. . ."
I pull him to me and put my hand over his mouth. "Will you just shut up? I'm just trying to say that if this happens for us we have to take it slow. Not like last time. None of that 'we're not ready for this but fuck it, oh well' shit. I mean it, Mark."
He reaches up and removes my hand. He smiles shyly. "Well, yeah. I mean, I know. Of course we. . . yeah." I feel his arms go around my waist and I grin at him, then kiss him gently. He lays his head against my chest and I hold him, my chin resting on his head, my eyes closed, desperate for this to make life better than it's been.
Inwardly though, I sigh. This has to be what I want. But Mimi doesn't deserve this. What am I going to tell her? What can I possibly say? And how can I control that small part of me that still wants her, that will always want her? Her sweet little mouth, the deep eyes that can control me with a simple flicker of emotion, what do I do without them?
Breathe, hold him. Don't think.
+++
Notes Continued: It seems almost rushed, like I'm just in a hurry to get rid of Mimi so we can have hot gay love once again. Although that sort of is what I'm trying to do, I just had hoped it wouldn't be this obvious. Oh well. Are you all going to complain? Lol. I have you deep within my slashy clutches now! J/k, of course you awesome people. Your reviews make my year, thanks so much. Hopefully I'll be able to post the next chapter tomorrow. I was gonna post it tonight with this, but I'm just too tired to finish it. Tomorrow, I'll do my best. ;)
Notes: Ok I lied. This chapter is actually post-RENT, not during RENT like I said it would be. Not that I think you're going to complain, you wonderful people. Have I mentioned your reviews light up my life? 50+ now too. Heh. Cool. It's kind of sad how excited I get when I see the bot@fanfiction.net notices in my inbox. Fucking review junkie I am. Heh. Kind of like Roger! Wow, too bad I'm not funny. Lol. Thanks you guys, you rule. :P
Chapter 41 -Look Into And Love Completely-
+Roger's POV+
Mimi rests against me, I run my fingers through her hair absently. She tilts up her head and smiles at me and reaches for my hand, that I let her take. She squeezes it gently and closes her eyes. I kiss her forehead and let my head rest against hers. An hour ago I thought I had lost her, and my world seemed to close in upon me. Watching her hand fall to her side, her breathing slow and stop. . .
It's best not to think about it.
She coughs suddenly, her hand going to her mouth as her body reacts. I instantly reach out to hold her but she pushes me off. When she leans back again she looks down into her palm and tries to inconspicuously wipe it on her pants. I grab her wrist and see the slightly smeared blood droplets. It isn't much, but it's there all the same. She pulls her hand away, roughly.
"Mimi, are you. . ."
"I'm fine, Roger." She says harshly, standing up.
I sigh deeply, standing, and try to put my arms around her again. At first she pushes me away, but then she lets me hold her. I rub her back gently. I look at her in surprise when I hear a muffled sobbing. She hesitantly looks up, her eyes wet and her lower lip trembling slightly.
"Mimi. . ."
"I don't want to die, Roger." She whispers weakly.
"Hey," I say softly, brushing her hair out of her face. "You're fine." I try to smile for her. "You're going to be fine."
"I'm sorry."
I kiss her forehead. "For what, baby?"
She sniffs and a couple fresh tears roll down her cheeks. "For everything." She shakes her head. "I'm horrible."
I pull her close. "No, you're not horrible. No one's perfect, Mimi. It's ok."
I feel her little hands on my back, gripping tightly to my shirt.
"It's alright. It's alright." I tell her.
She sniffs again and pulls away enough to wipe her eyes with one of her hands.
"I never cry." She says, laughing softly.
"Sometimes it's ok." I say, smiling at her.
She coughs weakly into her hand. "Not for me." She gestures toward the couch. "I need to sit down."
I sit down and she sits on my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and lays her head against my chest. I hold her tightly, whispering to her occasionally, telling her she's alright, that she'll be fine.
"I love you, Roger."
"I know, baby, I love you too."
Her arms slip from around my neck and she wraps them around her body. Her breathing is horrible, shallow and hoarse.
"Hey, Mimi?"
"Hm?"
I sigh and kiss her hair gently.
"Shouldn't you see a doctor or something? I mean. . ."
She sighs, annoyed. "I'm fine, Roger. At least that's what you keep telling me." She says bitterly.
"You will be, but you have to take care of yourself."
She pulls away from me and shakily stands up.
"I suppose you're gonna want me to give up smack and stop going out. Stop having fun altogether?"
I stand up too.
"Your idea of fun is seeing how many ways you can try to kill yourself in one night! Your idea of fun is leaving me here while you go out and fuck whoever you want. Your. . ."
"Fuck you!" She screams and starts coughing again, her whole body shaking from the force. I forget my anger and rush toward her.
"Mimi? Mimi are you. . ."
She pushes me away from her with all her strength, which isn't much, especially not now, so I hardly move.
"Fuck off, Roger."
I throw up my hands in frustration.
"What the fuck do you want from me?" I shake my head. "You know what? Never mind. Forget it!"
Angrily I rush out, slamming the door to her apartment on the way out. Upstairs Mark is sitting alone on the table, holding his camera. When I come in he looks up but doesn't smile. I start pacing back and forth in front of him, too pissed to speak.
"I heard you yelling, downstairs." He says softly, shaking his head. "And only an hour ago she was. . ."
"I know, Mark!" I yell. He cringes and I feel horrible. I go and stand beside him.
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just, well she gets me so mad." I look away, clenching a fist.
"Then why bother, Rog? She gives you far more pain than love in the end."
I look up at him. "I thought you thought I was happy."
He smirks. "C'mon, I know you better than that. I know when you're really happy and when you just think you are, or when you're pretending to be."
I climb up beside him. "I love her, I really do."
"I know you do, but think about what's really good for you. Drugs, clubs, that shit is in your past. You're above it now. She's not." He lays his hand on my shoulder. "I really don't want to lose you to that again, Rog. It'd be one thing if she wanted to change, but she doesn't."
Angrily I wipe away the tears that are forming. Is Mark really telling me to break up with Mimi? Am I really doubting that I should?
"I can't, Mark. I can't." I rest my head in my hands. "I don't want to be alone."
He's silent for a long time.
"You don't have to be, you know." He says quietly.
My eyes meet his. "Mark. . ."
He looks away. "I mean, I hate that you do this to yourself! Instead of being concerned about what you'll do to me, think about yourself! What does Mimi do to you? You. . ."
I stand up. "You don't know what you're talking about! Don't talk about her like that!"
He sighs. "Roger. . ."
"No! What is it with all of you? What is wrong with Mimi?"
He stands up too, his fists clenched at his sides. "Other than that she cheats on you, she's still in love with Benny, she shoots up, she's never there for you. . ."
I push him backwards. "Stop it!"
He falls and winces when he tries to sit up. He glares up at me.
"Fuck you, Roger. Forget it."
He grabs hold of the table to help himself up and then starts to walk away.
"Mark, wait! I'm sorry, really, I'm. . ."
He looks back at me. "Just stop, Roger. Really." He sniffs and turns away quickly. I feel horrible, as usual.
"Mark? No, please. . ."
But he's gone, slammed the door to his room. I stare at it for a moment, then fall to my knees. Shit.
What am I doing? Why do I try so hard to protect Mimi? Why did I push him? I'm such an asshole. I watch his door, praying for him to open it. The only thing I can do is to knock and hope he answers. Apologize. Hopefully he'll listen to me, though I wouldn't blame him if he doesn't. Why should he?
Hesitantly I go toward his room and knock gently.
"Fuck off, Roger."
"Mark? Please? I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."
"Just leave me alone, Roger."
I put my hand on the knob. None of these doors lock. Taking a deep breath I push it open. He's sitting on the edge of his bed and he glares at me when I look in.
"I said to. . ."
"Wait." I come in and kneel next to him. "Please, just listen to me."
He continues his cold stare, but is silent.
I sigh and look at the floor.
"I'm sorry, Mark. I just, you, I love Mimi, ok? When you and Maureen and anyone say shit about her. . ." I trail off, not knowing how to say what I mean. "You know?"
"No, I don't Roger. You're not making any sense."
"I mean, you can't just. . ."
He cuts me off. "Roger, just listen to yourself." He looks down at my hands, gripping the edge of the bed. "Your hands are shaking." He gives me a hard look. "Are you on something?"
I pull back, hurt. "No!"
"Are you sure?"
I stare up into his eyes. I once thought they were the only eyes I'd ever look into and love completely. And now when I see that he's no longer angry, but concerned, I know I was right. I reach for his hands and he takes mine and slides off his bed to kneel beside me on the floor.
He looks down at our hands and then back up at me. "I still love you, Roger. I want you to know that." He sighs. "But I want you to be happy. If you love Mimi, I can. . ."
I kiss him suddenly, surprising both of us. He almost pulls back, but then leans into it, returning my kiss. I drop one of his hands and lay my hand on his shoulder, his goes to my cheek and soon we're in a complete embrace. When we finally break apart he looks up at me in a painful sort of hope.
"Roger. . ."
"I love you, Mark." I sigh and start to pull away from him. "But. . ."
He pushes me away and stands up. "But? Jesus, Roger! What do you. . ."
I stand. "No! I didn't mean that! I. . ."
"What did you mean? Don't bother, I know! You love Mimi! Of course! How could I even. . ."
I pull him to me and put my hand over his mouth. "Will you just shut up? I'm just trying to say that if this happens for us we have to take it slow. Not like last time. None of that 'we're not ready for this but fuck it, oh well' shit. I mean it, Mark."
He reaches up and removes my hand. He smiles shyly. "Well, yeah. I mean, I know. Of course we. . . yeah." I feel his arms go around my waist and I grin at him, then kiss him gently. He lays his head against my chest and I hold him, my chin resting on his head, my eyes closed, desperate for this to make life better than it's been.
Inwardly though, I sigh. This has to be what I want. But Mimi doesn't deserve this. What am I going to tell her? What can I possibly say? And how can I control that small part of me that still wants her, that will always want her? Her sweet little mouth, the deep eyes that can control me with a simple flicker of emotion, what do I do without them?
Breathe, hold him. Don't think.
+++
Notes Continued: It seems almost rushed, like I'm just in a hurry to get rid of Mimi so we can have hot gay love once again. Although that sort of is what I'm trying to do, I just had hoped it wouldn't be this obvious. Oh well. Are you all going to complain? Lol. I have you deep within my slashy clutches now! J/k, of course you awesome people. Your reviews make my year, thanks so much. Hopefully I'll be able to post the next chapter tomorrow. I was gonna post it tonight with this, but I'm just too tired to finish it. Tomorrow, I'll do my best. ;)