Disclaimers and summary on first chapter
Notes: Saw RENT last night. All I have to say is, well, that was the peak of my existence. Collins was amazing, I was bawling during the 'I'll Cover You' reprise and Mimi was just awesome, and so hot. I'm such a loser. I cried so hard when she died, even though I knew she was gonna come back. Idiot, idiot. Joanne and Maureen, ah, PERFECT! And I want to marry the soloist #1 from 'Seasons of Love'. I loved Mark so much, he was so awkward and adorable, like I always thought he should be. And Roger's acting was awesome, and his voice was great, but I'm a wee bit too obsessed with Adam Pascal to say he was perfect. But they were all great. Definitely amazing. Speechless after the show amazing. I'll stop now.
Sorry I took so long to update, (and apologize for spontaneous review of show). Remember that I didn't know really what was going to happen, though now I have a fairly good idea (thanks for the people who suggested something in their reviews!), and I've otherwise been busy. It won't take so long next time. Thanks for everything guys, you rule!
Chapter 47 -I Feel Perfectly Fine-
+Roger's POV+
I watch him put his coat on.
"Where are you going?" I ask him.
"To buy food." He says with a small smile.
"Oh. Should I go with you?"
He shakes his head. "No, you're fine." He smiles. "You can stay here and play with your guitar."
He comes over to me and kisses me gently on the cheek.
"Take your AZT." He says.
I watch him leave and put my guitar down when he's gone. I go into the bathroom and stare at the AZT bottle in disdain. I poke it and it rattles and falls over. I sigh and pick it up and gaze intently at it some more. Why was I stupid enough to have to need them? I fill a glass of water from the tap and swallow the stupid thing. Are these really keeping me alive? Are they even worth it? Would it really matter if I stopped taking them? I've been feeling sick with them, sometimes just as sick as I used to be without them. I set the pills back down and walk back out to my guitar. C Chord. Disgusted, I put it back in its case. I'm sort of hungry, but I suppose I have to wait for Mark to come back with food. The phone rings and I stare at it expectantly.
"Speak."
"Roger," Comes a tired voice of a familiar woman. "This is your mother. . ."
I hear her sigh as I inch toward it. "Just thought I'd. . ."
I pick it up.
"Mom?"
I hear a short gasp. I know she wasn't expecting me to actually pick it up.
"Roger? Oh honey. . ."
"How are you?" I ask her, sitting on the table.
"Fine, I'm just fine. How are you? What are you doing? Where have you been?"
"I've been. . . around. But good. Yeah, I'm good now."
"Good, good." I hear her sniff, she's crying now. "God I've missed you, baby."
"Hey, it's alright." I tell her, smiling to myself. "I miss you too, mom."
"Well, uh, are you still in a band, are you with anyone?"
"Well, I, uh. You know, I'm gonna come see you, mom." I wince, remembering that we live on cereal and spend the rest of our money on my AZT. "As soon as I get some money." I promise. "I'll. . ."
"Oh! I'll send it to you!" She says eagerly. "If you're coming here." She sniffs again. "Oh God, are you really?"
"Mom, you can't. You can't afford. . ."
"Don't you go telling me what I can't afford, young man. I know better than you." She says jokingly. Her voice softens. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it, Roger. I'm fine here."
"Mom, settle down. It's ok. I'm ok." I tell her, knowing it's only half-true. The door opens behind me. Mark gives me a confused smile when he sees me on the phone. He's holding a modest bag of groceries that I eye hungrily. I tell my mom our address and she says she's going to send me money first thing tomorrow.
"Alright, alright." I smile as she sniffs again. "Mom, calm down. It's alright."
When Mark hears this he gives me a questioning look and stops unloading the groceries. I just smile at him.
"You'll be here by this weekend?" She asks.
"Yeah, I'll leave as soon as the money gets here, mom."
Now Mark looks concerned.
"God, it's so good to talk to you. Where do you get off not answering my calls? Never calling me? Roger, I thought we were closer than that."
I flinch at the hurt in her voice. "Yeah, I know. Look, uh, I'll grovel when I get there, ok?"
She laughs softly. "Alright. I love you."
"You too, mom. See you soon."
When we hang up Mark continues unpacking the bag.
"You're leaving?" He asks me quietly.
"We're leaving." I tell him, going over to him and wrapping my arms around him. "You need a break." I kiss him gently.
He removes my hands. "Does your mom know you're. . . you know?"
Trying to avoid it I grin at him. "Gay? Yeah, you were there, remember?"
He rolls his eyes. "Does she know you have HIV?"
I hate when he actually comes out and talks about it. It reminds me of how real it is and how the inevitable isn't in the distant future. I sigh and shake my head.
"This is the first time I've really talked to her since I moved out here."
"But why? You were pretty close, right?"
"Yeah, well. . ." I shrug. "I don't know, Mark. Things change, I guess."
He gives me a funny look but says nothing.
"You don't call your mother. And you avoid her calls." I shoot back at him.
He rolls his eyes. "If you had my mother you'd avoid her too."
"She's not so bad." I tell him.
"She likes Cindy better."
My turn to roll my eyes. "Mark, don't be stupid."
He crosses his arms and leans against the wall. "Well it's true!"
I hold my arms out to him and he hesitantly moves into them. I let my lips brush against his forehead.
"Well, I like you better than Cindy."
"You don't like Cindy."
I shrug. "I don't like anybody. But I like you. Doesn't that make you feel special?"
"Will it crush you if I say no?"
"A minor ego bruise."
He kisses me quickly. "Well then, yeah, it does."
I pull him into a full hug and he wraps his arms around me too. The phone rings.
"Speak."
"Rent time boys! Be there in a few!" Click.
"Fuck." We both say. Mark gives me a hopeful look.
"Do you have any money?"
I go to my guitar case and dig into the pocket. I hold my hand out to Mark.
"Think Benny will take two dollars in change?"
He digs into his pocket. "Two forty in change, now."
We lay it on the table.
Not long after our money hunt there's a brief knock on the door and then it's flung open. Benny gives me a contemptuous look and talks to Mark.
"You owe me months, scratch that, years in back rent but since I'm your buddy I'll just take the last two months worth."
Mark sheepishly points at the table.
"That's it?"
"That's all we have." I growl at him. He ignores me.
"Mark! How can I keep letting you two live here for free?"
"We're giving you $2.40, Benny! You're not going home empty handed."
"Better get the bribe, Mark." I tell him.
Mark goes into the kitchen. He comes back and hands Benny a box of Captain Crunch.
Benny stares at it. "Two dollars and a box of cereal?"
"Breakfast of champions." I tell him. "And lunch, and dinner, come to think about it." He still ignores me.
"Dammit, Mark!" He says, his voice rising. "I thought we were cool! I don't mind a little charity, but this isn't a homeless shelter!"
"Don't yell at him." I warn, getting off my place on the table.
Mark waves me away, saying he can handle it, but I still move a little closer. Benny casts an arrogant look in my direction.
"Hey, I saw Mimi not long ago." He says.
I clench my fists, I can just see Mark shaking his head at me.
"She's living with her mother, called me for lunch."
I can't resist the urge to ask. "Is she clean?"
He looks mildly startled. "Well, yes, actually." He continues, his voice low and cruel. "Anyway, she told me how much she misses me, and how she felt so horrible for dumping me for that inconsiderate asshole, Roger."
I should know better. I should know that Mimi is better than that now, that she wouldn't say something like that anymore. I should know, but I don't and I lunge at Benny, my fist colliding with his face.
"Roger!" Mark yells, exasperation in his tone.
Benny works hard to get me off of him but I'm stronger, until Mark helps by pulling me off of him.
"Mark! Dammit! Let me. . ."
"Shut up, Roger." Mark says coldly, his grip tight on my arms. I could get away if I tried, but decide against it.
Benny stands up, holding his jaw that I got more than a few good hits on.
"Mark, you can stay here for free if you get rid of him!" And then he's gone through the door, slamming it behind him.
Mark lets me go and pushes me away from him and goes into the bathroom.
"Hey, what?" I ask him angrily.
He comes back out with a small clump of wet toilet paper.
"You're such an idiot." He sighs. "Why do you do stuff like that? You know Mimi better than that, you know Benny well enough too. Why do you let him get to you?"
He motions for me to sit down and I do.
"What's that for?"
"You're bleeding." He holds it out to my head but I take it from him.
"Don't touch me. Where?"
"Above your eye. The other one."
I wipe at it and sigh. "I don't know, Mark. I try, but you know I don't like Benny."
"Right." He smirks. "You don't like anybody."
He sits down next to me. "Why do you still care what Mimi thinks of you anyway?"
"Dammit, Mark. . ." I hiss at him.
"Roger, you. . ."
"Don't. Ok? Just don't." The cold in my voice surprises even me.
"Fine. Whatever." He gets up and starts to walk away.
"I'm sorry that I loved her, ok? Is that what you want to hear? That I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry I gave you up to Maureen, I'm sorry I let her hurt you! I'm sorry I fell in love with Mimi and I'm sorry that I still love her!" I yell at his back.
He turns around and is about to say something fierce, I can tell. I cough then, suddenly and violently and it hurts my chest badly. I half- heartedly cover my mouth with the hand holding the blood stained toilet paper and see a couple very small stray drops of blood near where my fingers are holding it. Did I just cough out blood or were they just droplets from before? I try to just shake my head and forget it but Mark saw my troubled look.
"Roger? Are you. . ."
"I'm fine." I wave him away and go into the bathroom. I throw the little wad of paper away and stare at myself in the mirror. I feel perfectly fine.
+++
Notes Continued: my poor Roger. I love him to pieces. Thanks for reading/reviewing. Sorry again it took so long. It'll be sooner for the next update, promise.
I've posted a new chapter story. Two chappies so far. It's called No Need To Endure Anymore. It will eventually have some M/R in it though how and how much I'm not sure. It's kind of bizarre and totally different from this, but I'm enjoying writing it. However, this story is my first priority. Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging or anything else cruel and unusual.
Notes: Saw RENT last night. All I have to say is, well, that was the peak of my existence. Collins was amazing, I was bawling during the 'I'll Cover You' reprise and Mimi was just awesome, and so hot. I'm such a loser. I cried so hard when she died, even though I knew she was gonna come back. Idiot, idiot. Joanne and Maureen, ah, PERFECT! And I want to marry the soloist #1 from 'Seasons of Love'. I loved Mark so much, he was so awkward and adorable, like I always thought he should be. And Roger's acting was awesome, and his voice was great, but I'm a wee bit too obsessed with Adam Pascal to say he was perfect. But they were all great. Definitely amazing. Speechless after the show amazing. I'll stop now.
Sorry I took so long to update, (and apologize for spontaneous review of show). Remember that I didn't know really what was going to happen, though now I have a fairly good idea (thanks for the people who suggested something in their reviews!), and I've otherwise been busy. It won't take so long next time. Thanks for everything guys, you rule!
Chapter 47 -I Feel Perfectly Fine-
+Roger's POV+
I watch him put his coat on.
"Where are you going?" I ask him.
"To buy food." He says with a small smile.
"Oh. Should I go with you?"
He shakes his head. "No, you're fine." He smiles. "You can stay here and play with your guitar."
He comes over to me and kisses me gently on the cheek.
"Take your AZT." He says.
I watch him leave and put my guitar down when he's gone. I go into the bathroom and stare at the AZT bottle in disdain. I poke it and it rattles and falls over. I sigh and pick it up and gaze intently at it some more. Why was I stupid enough to have to need them? I fill a glass of water from the tap and swallow the stupid thing. Are these really keeping me alive? Are they even worth it? Would it really matter if I stopped taking them? I've been feeling sick with them, sometimes just as sick as I used to be without them. I set the pills back down and walk back out to my guitar. C Chord. Disgusted, I put it back in its case. I'm sort of hungry, but I suppose I have to wait for Mark to come back with food. The phone rings and I stare at it expectantly.
"Speak."
"Roger," Comes a tired voice of a familiar woman. "This is your mother. . ."
I hear her sigh as I inch toward it. "Just thought I'd. . ."
I pick it up.
"Mom?"
I hear a short gasp. I know she wasn't expecting me to actually pick it up.
"Roger? Oh honey. . ."
"How are you?" I ask her, sitting on the table.
"Fine, I'm just fine. How are you? What are you doing? Where have you been?"
"I've been. . . around. But good. Yeah, I'm good now."
"Good, good." I hear her sniff, she's crying now. "God I've missed you, baby."
"Hey, it's alright." I tell her, smiling to myself. "I miss you too, mom."
"Well, uh, are you still in a band, are you with anyone?"
"Well, I, uh. You know, I'm gonna come see you, mom." I wince, remembering that we live on cereal and spend the rest of our money on my AZT. "As soon as I get some money." I promise. "I'll. . ."
"Oh! I'll send it to you!" She says eagerly. "If you're coming here." She sniffs again. "Oh God, are you really?"
"Mom, you can't. You can't afford. . ."
"Don't you go telling me what I can't afford, young man. I know better than you." She says jokingly. Her voice softens. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it, Roger. I'm fine here."
"Mom, settle down. It's ok. I'm ok." I tell her, knowing it's only half-true. The door opens behind me. Mark gives me a confused smile when he sees me on the phone. He's holding a modest bag of groceries that I eye hungrily. I tell my mom our address and she says she's going to send me money first thing tomorrow.
"Alright, alright." I smile as she sniffs again. "Mom, calm down. It's alright."
When Mark hears this he gives me a questioning look and stops unloading the groceries. I just smile at him.
"You'll be here by this weekend?" She asks.
"Yeah, I'll leave as soon as the money gets here, mom."
Now Mark looks concerned.
"God, it's so good to talk to you. Where do you get off not answering my calls? Never calling me? Roger, I thought we were closer than that."
I flinch at the hurt in her voice. "Yeah, I know. Look, uh, I'll grovel when I get there, ok?"
She laughs softly. "Alright. I love you."
"You too, mom. See you soon."
When we hang up Mark continues unpacking the bag.
"You're leaving?" He asks me quietly.
"We're leaving." I tell him, going over to him and wrapping my arms around him. "You need a break." I kiss him gently.
He removes my hands. "Does your mom know you're. . . you know?"
Trying to avoid it I grin at him. "Gay? Yeah, you were there, remember?"
He rolls his eyes. "Does she know you have HIV?"
I hate when he actually comes out and talks about it. It reminds me of how real it is and how the inevitable isn't in the distant future. I sigh and shake my head.
"This is the first time I've really talked to her since I moved out here."
"But why? You were pretty close, right?"
"Yeah, well. . ." I shrug. "I don't know, Mark. Things change, I guess."
He gives me a funny look but says nothing.
"You don't call your mother. And you avoid her calls." I shoot back at him.
He rolls his eyes. "If you had my mother you'd avoid her too."
"She's not so bad." I tell him.
"She likes Cindy better."
My turn to roll my eyes. "Mark, don't be stupid."
He crosses his arms and leans against the wall. "Well it's true!"
I hold my arms out to him and he hesitantly moves into them. I let my lips brush against his forehead.
"Well, I like you better than Cindy."
"You don't like Cindy."
I shrug. "I don't like anybody. But I like you. Doesn't that make you feel special?"
"Will it crush you if I say no?"
"A minor ego bruise."
He kisses me quickly. "Well then, yeah, it does."
I pull him into a full hug and he wraps his arms around me too. The phone rings.
"Speak."
"Rent time boys! Be there in a few!" Click.
"Fuck." We both say. Mark gives me a hopeful look.
"Do you have any money?"
I go to my guitar case and dig into the pocket. I hold my hand out to Mark.
"Think Benny will take two dollars in change?"
He digs into his pocket. "Two forty in change, now."
We lay it on the table.
Not long after our money hunt there's a brief knock on the door and then it's flung open. Benny gives me a contemptuous look and talks to Mark.
"You owe me months, scratch that, years in back rent but since I'm your buddy I'll just take the last two months worth."
Mark sheepishly points at the table.
"That's it?"
"That's all we have." I growl at him. He ignores me.
"Mark! How can I keep letting you two live here for free?"
"We're giving you $2.40, Benny! You're not going home empty handed."
"Better get the bribe, Mark." I tell him.
Mark goes into the kitchen. He comes back and hands Benny a box of Captain Crunch.
Benny stares at it. "Two dollars and a box of cereal?"
"Breakfast of champions." I tell him. "And lunch, and dinner, come to think about it." He still ignores me.
"Dammit, Mark!" He says, his voice rising. "I thought we were cool! I don't mind a little charity, but this isn't a homeless shelter!"
"Don't yell at him." I warn, getting off my place on the table.
Mark waves me away, saying he can handle it, but I still move a little closer. Benny casts an arrogant look in my direction.
"Hey, I saw Mimi not long ago." He says.
I clench my fists, I can just see Mark shaking his head at me.
"She's living with her mother, called me for lunch."
I can't resist the urge to ask. "Is she clean?"
He looks mildly startled. "Well, yes, actually." He continues, his voice low and cruel. "Anyway, she told me how much she misses me, and how she felt so horrible for dumping me for that inconsiderate asshole, Roger."
I should know better. I should know that Mimi is better than that now, that she wouldn't say something like that anymore. I should know, but I don't and I lunge at Benny, my fist colliding with his face.
"Roger!" Mark yells, exasperation in his tone.
Benny works hard to get me off of him but I'm stronger, until Mark helps by pulling me off of him.
"Mark! Dammit! Let me. . ."
"Shut up, Roger." Mark says coldly, his grip tight on my arms. I could get away if I tried, but decide against it.
Benny stands up, holding his jaw that I got more than a few good hits on.
"Mark, you can stay here for free if you get rid of him!" And then he's gone through the door, slamming it behind him.
Mark lets me go and pushes me away from him and goes into the bathroom.
"Hey, what?" I ask him angrily.
He comes back out with a small clump of wet toilet paper.
"You're such an idiot." He sighs. "Why do you do stuff like that? You know Mimi better than that, you know Benny well enough too. Why do you let him get to you?"
He motions for me to sit down and I do.
"What's that for?"
"You're bleeding." He holds it out to my head but I take it from him.
"Don't touch me. Where?"
"Above your eye. The other one."
I wipe at it and sigh. "I don't know, Mark. I try, but you know I don't like Benny."
"Right." He smirks. "You don't like anybody."
He sits down next to me. "Why do you still care what Mimi thinks of you anyway?"
"Dammit, Mark. . ." I hiss at him.
"Roger, you. . ."
"Don't. Ok? Just don't." The cold in my voice surprises even me.
"Fine. Whatever." He gets up and starts to walk away.
"I'm sorry that I loved her, ok? Is that what you want to hear? That I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry I gave you up to Maureen, I'm sorry I let her hurt you! I'm sorry I fell in love with Mimi and I'm sorry that I still love her!" I yell at his back.
He turns around and is about to say something fierce, I can tell. I cough then, suddenly and violently and it hurts my chest badly. I half- heartedly cover my mouth with the hand holding the blood stained toilet paper and see a couple very small stray drops of blood near where my fingers are holding it. Did I just cough out blood or were they just droplets from before? I try to just shake my head and forget it but Mark saw my troubled look.
"Roger? Are you. . ."
"I'm fine." I wave him away and go into the bathroom. I throw the little wad of paper away and stare at myself in the mirror. I feel perfectly fine.
+++
Notes Continued: my poor Roger. I love him to pieces. Thanks for reading/reviewing. Sorry again it took so long. It'll be sooner for the next update, promise.
I've posted a new chapter story. Two chappies so far. It's called No Need To Endure Anymore. It will eventually have some M/R in it though how and how much I'm not sure. It's kind of bizarre and totally different from this, but I'm enjoying writing it. However, this story is my first priority. Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging or anything else cruel and unusual.