Author's Note
Howdy, all. I do not own the characters of this story; in fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Press, Raincoast Books, and Scholastic, Inc (the punks who returned a manuscript that I sent for a children's book when I was eight years old—oh, I got your number. What? I had to come up with magic in order to get published? !& you!). Please note that I'm just a fan, trying to have a good time.
There, I said it.
Anyway, I'm Alisama, and I'll be your storyteller for today. Being a HUGE Harry Potter fan who happens to be 39% obsessed, ahem, I was trying to figure out a good way that I could write a humorous story about everyone's favorite boy/kinda hot movie wizard, while constructing other stories. And this is what I came up with. Please review at the end, and note that flames, praises, constructive criticism, and marriage proposals are all welcome.
This parody is a revised revised version of the one I posted in October. I posted four chapters, then got on with my life. I am a Cancemini, so that means I am sensitive, intellectual, caring, and I have the attention span of a fly. But I am working on that.
Now, I am working with a bit of competition with this parody; there are so many (like, three) good ones out there right now. I would give shout-outs, but I'd prefer if you read my story first, thank you very much. Please don't dismiss my efforts to be completely trite, like so many others. As the storyteller, I shall lay down some ground rules:
· No annoying-ass typographical mistakes: for example, Weasly, Hermoine or Hermonie; no calling Hermione "'Mione" (who else besides me hates that?), and no abbreviations.
· As a parody fic, I will have to step on some toes and there may be odd pairings going on. Who knows, right? Severus Snape is at least twice the students' ages, but it could make for some good comedy. Hey, I'm just saying…
· No damn Draco/Hermione or Ginny ships. None. Although these twelve year-olds like Tom Felton, I will not let his portrayal of Draco Malfoy fool me into thinking he's "not so bad". Screw him. Even in parody, he'll still be evil. I do not discriminate when it comes to "hateration", do you understand? I do not care that he is no longer wearing gel—he is not liked over here. Why the hell would Hermione go for someone who, a) calls her "mudblood", b) is so damn smug and annoying, c) clearly dyes his hair, d) hates her two best friends, and e) is just plain evil? I mean, really, don't let him fool you into thinking he's hot. He's really not.
· No cringe-worthy sexual crap (you all know what I mean, excessive use of the words "hott" and "sexy"; Hermione all of a sudden going from a prude to a girl who wears lip gloss and spaghetti-strap tank tops; all of the characters changing dramatically after one summer, et cetera.) unless it's done right. If it isn't, then you know how to let me know.
· And last, but not least, none of the Harry Potter characters that we know and love should transform into new people without humor added to it. That way, you know it's non-canon, and you can feel free to laugh your asses off.
And that does it. If you have committed these fan fiction crimes, don't be ashamed. You know who you are. Help is out there, and in many places, too! You can go to school, or maybe take a little trip to that veil in the Department of Mysteries…
CONSTANT VIGILANCE!